Welcome to Craig’s Crazy-ass Cult.

*Before the complaints start rolling in, the following was written with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek. It is (essentially) a bit of (thought-provoking) fun.

But if yer wanna join my cult.. lemme know and I’ll send you a form.

So my last post generated a fair bit of interest in my (potentially) new cult.. err sorry, country retreat.
My friends have been speculating that if I do relocate to the bush, I might be likely to start my own cult… being as I’m a little weird (allegedly).

Which got me to thinking that… maybe a cult is not such a bad idea.

Perhaps I could call it something that’s a little more socially acceptable… like a club.
Club, cult, group, organisation… doesn’t really matter, does it?
It’s just a name for a (semi-formal) gathering/collection of weirdos, eccentrics and seekers of (my version of ) the truth.

A place where everyone hands over their money, hangs off every word that comes out of my mouth, is constantly amazed by my insight and wisdom, rubs my sore neck and shoulders on demand and constantly caters to my too-many-to-mention psychological and emotional issues and insecurities.
Sounds great really.
I figure as long as I’m transparent about how I squander people’s money and how I manipulate their minds.. nobody can accuse me of being deceitful or misleading.

So I guess the whole… “you’re a cult, you’re a cult!!” ‘accusation’.. could be dispensed with up front.

My press release would look something like this:

“Yes, we are a cult; we’re kinda weird and like it that way, that’s why we have those really high fences and live way out here in the woods. We may or may not want your money and your mind.. and we may or may not force you to discard English and speak our own language (Harperese)… we’re not sure; we’re making it up as we go.”
(end quote).

I’m not sure exactly what it is about cults that I find particularly alluring… but there’s definitely something.
For some people I guess it’s all about the power and the money… not for me… although the power might be sexy.
And sure, the cash could be handy… but nah, that’s not it… there’s easier ways.
It could be the funky outfits and the folk guitars… after all, I do love a good caftan and some occasional Sonny and Cher action.
Perhaps it’s the thought of hanging out with a bunch of people who are as weird as me… now that’s a real possibility.

Or maybe it’s the likelihood of having a bunch of journalists trying to break into my ‘compound’ to expose me on some controversial TV program or write about me in some cheap, tacky tabloid… doubt it… but I do love attention.

Or… it could be the possibility of nights around the campfire with my devoted followers listening to my delusional stories of grandeur and my weird-ass theories on life and the universe.

Yep, that’s it for sure.

Or perhaps the chance to live in a ‘world’ where I make all the rules and I’m always right.. yeh, that would be cool too.

Whatever the individual attraction, ya gotta admit that having yer own cult would be very cool.

In my cult we’ll all work till lunch time.
Well, not all of us (someone’s gotta be in charge), eat a bunch of healthy food for lunch (possibly the numerous gigantic fish I catch in my creek), followed by a post-lunch snooze, an afternoon life-lesson in my state-of-the-art teaching auditorium (my cult, my delusion) and then some general hanging out and fun (possibly volleyball)… followed by dinner and more fun.

And I’m not sure.. but I think in my cult I could be married to a girl who’s an obsessive-compulsive shoulder and foot massager (er… masseuse).

All I need is to come up with a marketing strategy and some kinda pseudo-spiritual, meaningless name and we’re in business.
So to speak.

I think where many cults are inherently flawed is their culture of secrecy and their ‘you-don’t-understand-us-and-we’re-so-misunderstood’ mind-set. If they actually told the world what they’re really about then there would be no need for allegations, investigations or kicking down of doors… because there would be no mystery.

If only the cult leader held a press conference and came out with something like:

“Okay, here it is; we actually do want your money and your mind”… or

“I really just wanna hang out in dresses with my buddies and play Bob Dylan music”.. or

“We’re all chillin‘ together while we wait for our inter-galactic brethren to return for us to take us back up to the mothership“.. or

“Just to clear it up for you all… yes, I am a delusional, self-centred, money-driven, insincere, manipulating, pathological liar… but everyone’s got issues right?”
(press conference ends)

..”Alright guys, thanks for coming.. on your way out make sure you buy some beads from the kids and be careful not to get too close to the Rottweilers…”

At least then there would be no more debate, speculation, accusations or hypothesizing.

Okay… now, all I need is a catchy name… Hmm.. waddabout Craig’s Crazy-ass Cult?
Nah, probably not.

Maybe I could use one of those meaningless (made up) names like ‘Norgen Vaaz‘ or ‘Ikea‘.

“Hello and welcome to Camp Norgen Vaaz“.. hey, that is kinda catchy.
Maybe I could get a sponsorship deal on some ice-cream.

After all, I can’t catch fish all day.. I’ve got a cult to run.

* If you can come up with something better than ‘Camp Norgen Vaaz’… lemme know.