Some Momentary Mirth
It’s been mentioned that some of the more recent instalments here at me-dot-com have been a little intense and heavy and it’s been suggested (thanks Ben, et al) that I should periodically lighten the vibe with some occasional mirth, frivolity and silly-ness. Being as I have a Master’s in Silly-ness (Ms.S) and a PhD. in Sarcasm, I thought that sounded like an easy addition to the roster. I’m only too happy to slip out of my coaches cap and into my yellow woolly wig and my big red shoes for a day.
But We’re Perfect…
Knowing what amazing communicators we blokes are, how many issues we don’t have, how completely honest we are, how emotionally evolved we have all become (thanks Dr. Phil), how great we are with feedback and direction and how willing we are to learn, I knew it might be a tough assignment to try and poke fun at the males of the species, but I’ve given it a go nonetheless.
Okay, here we go…
Twenty three things you’re not likely to hear come out of your Bloke’s mouth:
1. Would you like to drive Honey?
2. Sex? No – thanks for the offer, but I really want to finish this vacuuming.
3. I’d really like to talk to you about how I’m feeling and where this relationship is going.
4. Sorry, it was totally my fault.
5. Wow, you’re absolutely right; he really is good looking isn’t he?
6. Can you please turn that sport down Sweetie, I’m trying to meditate and focus on my breathing.
7. Gee, I wish I was as smart as your Father.
8. What’s that? You crashed my new car into the garage wall? That’s okay, as long as you’re not hurt. It’s only a stupid Porsche.
9. How about you sit down for a while and let me make dinner?
10. Hey Honey, see that guy over there? He could totally kick the shit out of me.
11. Sorry about that fart; totally not funny and completely inappropriate. It won’t happen again.
12. Have you seen my Louise L. Hay book? I think I left it lying around with my Eckhart Tolle CD.
13. Darl, I’m off to the doctor for a prostate exam. Would you like me to do the shopping for you on the way home?
14. I want you to tell me all about how you’re feeling… and I have all day.
15. I just realised what a big ego I have. How embarrassing.
16. Is it okay if we just cuddle tonight?
17. You’re right; I really am insecure.
18. Do we have any more of that delicious tofu?
19. A three-way with your hot girlfriend? No way, that’s disgusting.
20. Do you want to watch Pretty Woman again tonight?
21. Cage fighting? What’s that?
22. Did I mention what a loser I was at high school and how bad I was at sport?
23. I know I’m bad at sex and I’m really sorry about my small penis.
Okay, I’m sure you have at least one addition to add to our silly list. Perhaps a little gem that will make us fall off our computer stools in fits of laughter with severe abdominal cramping. For the clever-ist addition (yep, a term), I will get the bald man to send you a T-Shirt. Even if you live in Siberia. And a big… er… warm(?) hello to my Siberian readers.
As always, leave your hilarious, witty and entertaining contribution by simply clicking on the comment thingy. If you’re not sure how to leave a comment, click here. Also feel free to share something completely unhilarious (I often do).
Ciao x
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{ 60 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Craig,
Lol this is hilarious….love it!!
How about (one that was NEVER said to me) Honey how about you look after the remote control and of course you can choose what we watch tonight.
Never heard most…ok all of the ones you have already listed.
Have an awesome day
Hugs
Chelle xxx
ps welcome to Melbourne Jules!!!
Hey Craig ! Wow… I only just left my comment about yesterday’s post and here’s today’s already !
OK… my contribution…
24. Yes, dear, you’re right, I am hopelessly lost and will stop and ask for directions.
We had this little scenario (once again !) last week trying to find our way from the carpark at the convention centre (E. T. seminar). Dunno how many staircases I followed him up and down, round and round, he all the time insisting we were in the right building. We weren’t !! “Nup… don’t need to ask anyone… I know where I’m going”. It was good exercise anyway !
{{HUG}}
Tina
That was actually 24 – number 13 was definitely two separate things. Here’s my contribution:
- Of course I’ll sit down to pee, darling – I didn’t realise I made such a mess. And if I forget, I’ll clean up the mess myself.
- No darling, I don’t prefer your hair long .. it looks fantastic short.
- (HER: Where have you been?) I went into the kitchen to get a drink but it was such a mess that I cleaned it up first.
- Yes, babe .. that pink floral doona cover makes the bedroom a haven of comfort! And all those cushions on the bed look great.
- You’re right … the 52” screen would be too big for the loungeroom. And yes, surround sound would be a waste of money.
- You treat me like a sex object! There’s more to me, you know.
- I’m looking forward to your mother coming to stay with us.
- Oh, I’d LOVE one of those fluffy little white dogs that fit in a handbag .. they’re so cute! Let’s get two. With little coats for them to wear outside. And matching collars and leads.
And my personal favourite…
- You are right.
Suz (Sydney)
Ohhhh Craig. You know not what you ask. You should soooo not get me started on this one:
25. Your mother called while you were out and we had a lovely long chat.
26. Your job is just as important as mine. I’ll stay home and look after our sick children.
27. Would you like the remote?
28. I think I might get a professional in to take a look at that broken rooftile. It’s really not my area and I’m a bit scared of hurting myself.
29. I was totally speeding. The speed camera was 100% accurate.
30. Your hair looks fabulous. That hairdresser is worth every penny.
31. I think I may have got us a little lost. I’ll just pull over and ask that man for directions.
32. I could see that there was only a tiny bit of milk left in the bottle so I rinsed it out and put it in the recycling bin.
33. I’m so glad we had children.
34. Boy, I’m looking forward to that marriage enrichment course I booked us into.
35. A car is just a machine to get me from A to B. How about we take another look at that Hyundai?
36. I wouldn’t dream of asking you to organise my mother’s birthday present!
I told you not to get me started! There’s one addition for every year I’ve been married.
Scary.
EG xxx
Oooooo! Yippee!!
One thing you will NEVER hear from a guy, because it will endanger his life, is, “Honey, those jeans make your butt look really fat.”
Hey Craig great post… Hilarious!!
Of course you would never see your bloke walking on the beach having a yack with a mate … Even if it is a great way to get some much needed exercise… NOOO… People might think he were gay!
( )
Amanda B
Cheers Chelle ( )
Nice addition Tina – he ain’t gonna ask that!
“That was actually 24 – number 13 was definitely two separate things.”
Well… excuuuuuse moi number police lady Suz
BTW – I’d rather give up the 52″ screen that tolerate that pink floral doona…
Icky.
Hey Liesl.
Nope, we’re not gonna say that.
Ever.
Hi Amamda B
You mean two blokes can do that?
Shit.
I can see you’ve had a busy day. Let’s not order take-away pizza. Why don’t you rest/watch tellie/read a book while I whip up a nice, healthy, low-fat meal that even the kids will love.
You do far too much in the way of domestic duties. I want to do my fair share.
I’m so stressed. You have to help me decide on what to wear to [enter name of friend]’s wedding. Is this shirt okay? Or that shirt? What pair of shoes goes with it? When did you say we’re leaving? In 8 mins? I still have to do my face an hair yet.
Gosh Craig…I’m thinking you must be gathering Data for a new book…LOL!
“Men and why Women need to vent about them – the energy involved”…I did find myself going…yes, oh, so I’m not the only one then..ha ha …funee tho’ how it changes once you get married…and then have children…hhhmmm, another study in that purhaps Mr Harper…x
Yeah, me too, Craig. I’ll keep my 50″ screen, my surround sound, my Monaro (that no one else is allowed to drive), my ridiculous fascination with farts .. and even my illusion that I could totally kick the shit out of that guy over there. Oops … testosterone showing again!
Craig darling, I am only up to #15 and have tears dripping down my face….
LOL to EG, I need a tissue!! Suza.. the description you're painting sounds like your bloke should be wearing a dress (not saying I don't agree with what you're saying though!!!).
That's interesting – if we are attempting to have the Males take on such characteristics of the female species, then shouldn't the females commence taking on characteristics of a male? That would be fair, right? What gives us females the right to be "right" in the way of behaviour? Maybe your male would like to see you plonk yourself on the couch, scratch your bits and let out a big one. Now THAT would be impressive.
You're a very smart bloke Craig. You massage our brains. Sure you weren't a female in your last life? Ok ok …. you have made me realise I am not alone in this adventure… this journey of "what is this man thinking!!!!" .. We females must remember you blokes are NOT FEMALES. The wavelengths are deliberately far apart. I'm sure I already knew that.. but it completely escapes me when I go about my day… that must be a female thing. We were created to exist in different 'zones' and complete different 'missions'.
Today I will try on the concept "it's okay, it's not his fault, he's just a male" ; )
Having said all that, here is number..
24. Oh sorry honey, I wasn't listening to you throughout that whole time you were trying to connect emotionally with me – I was thinking about how I could get the pods to link the connectors from the outputs of the desk to boost the stereo image of the SPL via the LMNOP to allow the SM58 to go out of phase with the PZM.
followed by….
25. Let me make it up to you and buy you some flowers and genuinely massage your feet while you tell me all about it.
completed with….
26. Let me pick that mess up for you.
oh no hang on, one more..
27. I'm sorry
vicki lee xox
PS…….!!!!!
In light of today's blog, I am going to try this on with my husband today and see how the day pans out & how the evening ends…
* It's okay honey, I'm NOT going to complain about anything for 24 hours. NOTHING! I am NOT going to gossip, chat just for sake of chatting, narrate every move I make, tell you about my pain (again), talk talk talk etc. That will allow your mind to go where it wants, whether that be creative or relaxing, and you will not be interupted in your thoughts. You will have *peace*.
PLUS…… I will put the bins out tonight.
xox
A couple were sitting on the lounge watching telly. The woman thought she needed to spice things up a bit. So she went to the bathroom & tidied herself up….& her nether regions. Donned the bat mask & cape & a pair of high heeled looooooong leather boots. She came back to the lounge cracking a whip & yelled, "Super Pussy" To which her husband replied, "Soup thanks"
Surely not??
Cheers,
Pet
xoxo
Priceless Craig.
Here’s my oh so funny addition to the already hilarious list.
What’s a G spot?
Hi Craig,
Thanks for putting a huge smile on my face (I woke up in "bummed out" mode this morning).
Here's my contribution – 24) I can't wait to sit down with you and watch the episodes of "Days of our lives" & "The young and the restless" that have been recorded on the Foxtel IQ box (when I'm really hanging out to watch the recorded episode of "Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles")
Cheers,
Ben
P.S. – To be fair to my wife, we're both equally excited that Channel 9 (Melbourne) is showing the Storm v Broncos match at 8.30 pm on Friday night and not at midnight.
Him “Those silicon breasts look so fake. The just don’t do it for me.”
Sorry, rephrase mine!
It should read “Sure I know where your G spot is”.
Nice One Craig very funny, although i found a couple of things on that list that my man has said! Hmm… What does that mean?
Nice Deb
Nope, ain’t gonna happen Jules.
Oooh…this could be fun. Possibly no real danger of you falling off your computer stool but here’s my contribution anyhow….
24. I’ll be home early today,’cos I cancelled that late meeting. I work too much.
25. The gym was great today. Oh… and did I tell you I’ve been smoke free for a month!
26. The doctor said my cholesterol test was great. I realise now that all that low fat eating you keep talking about is so important for my health and well being.
27. I hugged the boss today. It was great. I think we really connected.
28. Yes, I am listening.
29. Ly down and relax. I’ll give you a massage. And no 30…I had some spare time today, so I lay down in the park and focussed on my breathing for awhile. It was great!
hugs,
Mon ( )
"In light of today's blog, I am going to try this on with my husband today and see how the day pans out & how the evening ends…"
Let us know how you go Vicky G ( )
Funny Pet…
If only food wasn’t one of the options.
Hi Stavy.
There’s a G spot?
Another thing for me to google…
You know what it means Beth…
Hi,
I will definitely NEVER hear these words…”Thank you for asking but I have had more than enough to drink”
Cheers! Lyn. X
Would make a good read Jacinta
Nice work Ben.
Glad I made you smile.
Enjoy the Storm on Friday
Hi Lyn…
Hmmm. Partial to a drink is he?
Hi Craig
Number 24. I think we should go to counselling what do you think about that?
Cheers
Sue (Perth)
Ain’t gonna happen hey Sue?
Speaking from experience I gather.
( )
Hi Craig,
What about,”Actually honey that new dress really shows off your muffin top”.
OR
“Those stilletos look really uncomfortable, shall I get your slippers?”
Grunting at you/the kids DOES mean I’m not listening, it’s a dreadful habit and I will never do it again.
I DO snore, I’m going to lose weight and cut down on the drinking, and if that doesn’t solve the problem I will see the doctor.
I DO snore, and I am more than happy to go and sleep in the other room so that you can get a good night’s sleep.
You will never see my toenail or fingernail clippings anywhere ever again.
Lisa … *nudge, nudge* .. wake up, sweetie. You’re dreaming again.
Craig,
Great blog, Hilarious. Here is my no 24
Honey, when your not busy can you please wax my back and bum (can I say bum here?)
Hello Craig,
How about this;
24)Hey sweetie, I won't go straight to the pub after work, Instead I will come home & take you down to the beach for a romantic walk….
25)I'm sorry we had a disagreement, I just want to hold you all night instead of make up sex….
Funny as post!!!
Hugs
Charlotte xxxx
Nice work Mudge…
You paint a beautiful picture of your Bloke Lisa!
Yeah Kimbo – you can say Bum.
Funny
Love your work Charlotte
( )
Hi Gary (Hall)
Loved your comment but couldn’t publish it. Clever and R Rated.
“You are right honey, your farts do smell like rose petals”.
Ha…Ha..Ha…great post…lots of laughs! I noticed ‘asking for directions’ seemed to be very popular.
Okay…here’s my contribution…
“Honey…I’ve just finished reading this great book called ‘Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus’, and I realise how right you are, and what an ass I’ve been.
I just want you to know that I’m here just to listen and give you support, that I respect your feelings, and that I’ll try to be more understanding. And honey…I love you – you are so special to me.”
Ciao…KerryW
Heres one for us girls,
I have taught my boyfriend how to compramise. He wanted a dog and I wanted a cat. We got a cat!
pssst Craig,
Try Google Maps.
EG xxx
Funny JB…
Nice contribution KerryW
Hi Anon…
That’s quite the negotiation
Hello Vincent – loved your comment but it didn’t get past the resident censor… some love for you anyway ( )
As usual, you missed some.
Are you through in the kitchen, I want to put out the garbage.
I love going shopping with you.
Just wait until I unload the dishwasher
I think Sex and the City is a great show.
You really need a new fur coat.
and
THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE -
I have plenty of airlines miles – take all that you need.
Haha. How about:
Of course I understand why you feel the need to wear a dress with no pockets and take an impractical teeny-tiny purse just because it matches your shoes. And obviously I’d be happy to hold all the extra stuff that your purse doesn’t fit all night.
Or:
Yes, it takes me about two hours to get ready, too. Go ahead, take your time.
(I can actually believe I’ll hear the last one — pity it’ll be in a tone of dripping sarcasm.)
You taped over which football match? Oh well, it was the last one and I already know the score, don’t I?
Easy points Craig… for a real test of your courage put together a list of things that you won’t hear women say… hang on, cancel that, neither of us need ‘that’ much trouble in our lives!
Cheers,
Gb
Wow, this house looks spotless, you must have been working hard on this all day. My mother never got her house this clean.
C – Sydney
Hey Craig, dying to know which comment won?
I would never cum in there!
Hello there, I could not see any way to contact you, and so I really hope that you see this comment. I have a website about leather purses, and thought you might like to swap links with me. I have submitted my contact address if you would like to get in touch. Thank you.