Once upon a time… there was a kid.
A kid who loved to eat.
Not unlike many kids, really.
But this kid was different.
He didn’t just enjoy the occasional cookie or bowl of ice-cream.
Or burger and fries.
No, he lived for food.
And when he wasn’t eating… he was thinking about eating.
At school he struggled to concentrate in class because he was always fantasizing about his next meal.
Food equaled pleasure.. and who wouldn’t want an instant ‘pleasure fix’?
So easy, so convenient, so accessible and so… instant.
He was the poster boy for the quick-fix generation.
By the time the kid was five, he was fat.
By the time he was seven, he was really fat.
Fortunately for him though, it wasn’t real fat; it was puppy-fat.
His loving mother had taught him all about puppy-fat.
It was a temporary condition which affected some boys and girls.
She told him that when he got to a certain age, it would all go.
So that was kinda comforting.
Temporary fat… okay.
Nothing to really worry about.
Although… the kids at school didn’t really buy into his mum’s (mom’s) whole puppy-fat theory.
They came more from the… “hey-you’re-a-big-fat-pig-and-we-don’t-wanna-play-with-you”… school of thought.
While the taunting got him down at times, a chubby little finger in the peanut butter jar always proved to be somewhat therapeutic and relieve his pain.
Food was his escape.
“How do they squeeze all that pleasure into one little jar”… he would ask himself.
“So much peanut butter and so little time”… he would joke with his family.
They always laughed at his jokes.
Always supportive.
They loved him so much.
“He is so funny and creative…” his parents would tell their friends.
“And gigantic”… the friends would be thinking.
By the time he was twelve he was huge.
Morbidly obese.
And according to dear-old mum, still in the puppy-fat phase.
She still loved to cook for her “little boy” because it was one of the few things that “gave him pleasure”.
And making him happy, made her happy.
And a happy home, is a good home.
At school he was mis-understood.
His mother wondered why everyone in his class was so determined to make his life a misery.
Ironically, everyone in his class wondered why he was so determined to eat himself to death.
Yep, home was his refuge, mum was his protector and food was his only joy.
By the time he was fifteen he weighed over a hundred and fifty kilos (330 lbs), he was a diabetic, had joint problems, respiratory problems, high blood pressure and was the subject of constant ridicule.
But not at home.
At home the “F” word was never mentioned.
Too painful.
His family would ‘love him at all costs’.
His mother was always desperate to ‘protect’ him.
And feed him ten thousand calories a day… er, I mean… love him.
If anyone labelled him fat, she would bare her fangs.
The fact that he weighed as much as two or three of his classmates didn’t seem to register with her.
“Sure he’s carrying a little fat” she would admit to her concerned friends but “like his father, he’s big-boned.”
Her friends would roll their eyes and bite their tongues.
Mostly.
“The whole family are endomorphic; genetically predisposed to be… bigger”, she told her best friend one day.
“Maybe the whole family eats too much and moves to little”, her friend replied.
They never spoke again.
“How dare she attack my family like that… why do people need to be so cruel?”
“Bitch.”
By the time the Junior reached his final year of high school, he could barely walk.
He would struggle for fifty feet or so and then have to lean on something or preferably, sit.
He missed as many days of school as he attended.
And when he did make it to class, he had to sit at a specially built desk.
He looked like an animal in a special enclosure at the zoo.
He and his industrial-strength desk sat there like an island in a sea of ‘normal-sized’ people and desks.
His ever increasing mass meant that he now had a permanent wheeze, endured constant painful chafing where his massive thighs rubbed, sweated profusely and smelled like a yak.
A smelly yak.
He also had some practical challenges when he went to the toilet but I don’t want to ruin your lunch or dinner, so I’ll leave it at that.
More and more concerned people offered their support and help to the mother.
She told them to mind their own business.
“I know what’s best for my son”, she would snap at them.
One day the phone rang.
It was her son’s school.
The blood drained from the mother’s face, she dropped the phone and screamed a scream that only a mother could.
Her whole body began to shake and she fell to the floor.
Her husband picked up the phone and spoke to the person on the other end.
He too dropped the phone and began to sob uncontrollably.
The woman lifted her head, turned to her husband and moaned “how could this have possibly happened?”
The end.
*While this story is just that, a story… for an increasing number of people, this tale is a tragic reality. I have seen this story (or similar) in the flesh many times over the years.
Scenarios like this are playing out more and more every day, despite us being more educated, informed and equipped (to fight obesity) than ever before.
As long as we choose to call our fat kids anything but fat, we’re doomed.
It’s not about being offensive or insensitive, it’s about being real, practical and honest.
It’s not about inflicting emotional damage, it’s about preventing physical damage.
It’s about creating forever change.
It’s about helping, not hurting.
It’s about changing thinking, culture, habits and bodies.
Forever.
It’s about being less concerned with political correctness and more concerned with doing what’s right.
And to the ‘expert’ who argued with me on radio last week that we should never weigh kids because of the potential emotional damage, maybe you should be more concerned with finding a practical, physical solution for our fat kids… because based on our current trajectory, some of them will be dead from obesity-related conditions before they have a chance to really embrace all those ‘emotional issues’ anyway.
* Let us know your thoughts on this emotional and provocative subject (either way)… and tell us where you’re from.
Peace.
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
I just recently started to read your blog but you always put the things that I think about so perfectly in words! I love it!
Now if only more people are opened to all these great thoughts and ideas, instead of thinking “bithch/ass/jerk” about the honesty that’s much needed in this world.
I haven’t blogged for that long, but please check out some of my writings on personal development. I’d love to hear your comments!
I was thinking, this is such a horror story. If someone makes it into a movie, it will be a very controversial one. Such a movie, if received enough attention, can scare people into having better eating habits, but it might also push some people to become anorexic, the other extreme. But I’d still think it’s worth it, since there are more fat people than anorexic ones. Then of course, some people would say it’s totally insensitive.
What’s my point? I am kinda just babbling here.
Some experts (by the name of Bobby and Moostifer) once told me, “When you’re eating lots of fatty food, you ass just grow so big.” I am just going to leave it at that…
Hi Kin.
Glad you like the blog.
Checked yours out… Good work; keep it up.
Take care.
Big Kel.
I love it when you babble.
Later Dude.
Hi Craig,
What’s the debate? Either we educate our children on the importance of a healthy body at the risk of the potential of causing an emotional scar OR don’t say a word and guarantee that society (school mates, the opposite sex, TV, magazines, etc) will leave not just a small scar but a gapping wound inside him that no amount of jell-o will ever fill. Hmmmm, someone start the jeopardy theme song while I debate this choice in my head…. Good grief! Shame mum, overeating is not hereditary, it is a learned behavior. She needs learn herself, food is food, it offers nothing more. Only love, caring, and nurturing will ever fill the voids. Show him you love him by taking him to the park, read to him at the library, draw pictures with sidewalk chalk, see a movie- but for Pete sakes, get out of the kitchen (didn’t some of us burn our bras in the 70s to get out of the kitchen)? Ok, way before my time!
Anyway, this is a no brainer! My son is very knowledegable about the importance of fitness and he is 8! Why? Not because I put my obsessive compulsive issues of staying fit on him, I hope! But because he plays baesball, football, and now soccer. I explain to him how important proper nutrition is. Chips, cheesecake, and candy, hold no nutritional values to the athlete, they are the occasional treat not a staple!
As parents, we set the standard for our family, so tone up your a** and quite complaining about sorry role models like Britany, Lindsey, and Paris, and take a look at the example you are setting… it just maybe the kick in the pants needed to put down the meat lover’s supreme pizza and try some grilled chicken and zuccini skewers. Better decisions make healthier bodies! If you have any doubt in the honesty of this “parable” then try watching one episode of Inside Brookhaven Obesity Clinic on the Discovery channel, your eyes will open and your heart will break.
Ok, I’m off my soap box… Craig, you know how I am about this topic… I blame you for my ramblings!
Peace.
Tami
bein healthy is one thing, and an important thing; being ‘hot’ is another… and not so important as society might have us think. we need to learn the difference.
Craig wrote:
And to the ‘expert’ who argued with me on radio last week that we should never weigh kids because of the potential emotional damage…
Jerk!
In the last 6 months I have been challenging my daughter who needed to lose a few kilos to be of a healthy weight and fit into the clothes she has and this culminated in the goal of fitting nicely into her expensive deb dress which was tight when we bought it – we had time – about 8 weeks. 5 weeks later she had convinced herself she was doing well – I didn’t fully agree though a kilo all two seemed to have dropped and let her know she was still not eating and exercising correctly for it to fully happen – She was doing things right at home but out there…well..
I encouraged good eating, served healthy food, encouraged walking (didn’t happen) and she still insisted on needing her ‘coke’ and ‘takeaway’ fix. She wasn’t hearing me. The test came – time to try on the dress and check the length – it was as tight as before. We had 3 weeks to go so we went on quick fix strict low carb regime for a promised 3 weeks with the intention of maintaining a new menu and eating plan after that. She lost 4 kilos, inches from waist and bust and had to go without ‘coke’ and ‘takeaway’. It was really hard. I supported and encouraged – yes it is hard but you will find the sacrifice worth it – She complained. I said I hope you can see now – losing weight is hard – it takes real effort and sacrifice and doing without some of the things you love – do you see now that before now you really were not trying if you were still having ‘coke’ and ‘takeway’?
‘Oh maybe…’ she would not admit it and before we were halfway through this she promised herself the reward of going back to the old habits. *sigh* I have done my best to discourage this too but I am too ‘pushy’ and she left home before the big night. The dress fitted nicely – those kilos and inches made a difference but I’ll bet in 2 weeks time she won’t be able to wear it. I was hoping there would be a lesson learned in this but I doubt I succeeded – for now at least. One benefit from this – the other daughter took all this in and has stopped snacking poorly after school and is happily working at keeping her weight under mine – she is realistic about what it takes to ‘lose weight’.
So here it is…I did not protect her emotionally sensitive self by saying yes dear you are doing well losing weight by yourself – I was critical of what she was choosing to eat and failing to exercise and thus put pressure on our relationship – this I am sure is one of the things that made her leave home in this time as I was ‘too pushy’. (The weight was not the only issue – there were others) I had a choice – protect her emotionally and give her all she wants or try and teach her to be realistic.make good and healthy choices and to have some resilience. I chose the latter. We are now at loggerheads (Two taureans in a china shop!) and she lives elsewhere. But I know I have tried to teach her to help herself and be real about weight- one day the light bulb might turn on. I am not sorry I was tough – I hurt sure -there is loads of ‘emotional damage’- but somewhere one day she will remember that to have success in losing weight requires real sacrifice and support. I have to remind myself I was being a responsible parent.
Oh…BTW I lost 3 kilos in this time as I cooked and ate what she ate to support her. I am still maintaining better eating habits.
Sorry about the mini essay response but that jerk commentator needs his head read!
I was the fat kid. Now I am no longer the fat kid, I am desperately trying to control the underlying emotions which made me that way; every minute of every day.
I was bullied during school which let to an eating disorder among other things. Now I may look skinny yet the obsession with food and being healthy puts more pressure on you and you go to the comfort of food; vicious cycle.
The issue is not only nutrition and not being precious but being told what to do will never work. It must be intrinsic; the forever, big, exciting change Craig speaks of that are the REAL transformation.
In my case, I will battle the bulge for the rest of my life because food to an ‘inner fat kid’ will always be a weapon; we know what does the damage (sugar, processed, saturated fats, preservatives, additives, carbs, transfats…we know the High GI foods, the carcinogenics, the simple carbs…we have Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, the Atkins Diet, The Low GI diet, the South Beach Diet, we have diuretics & eating disorders, the magazines & bogus experts claiming to have a ‘cure’, the impossible to achieve bodies of the celebrity pin-ups (who may still be in rehab) and we also have the plastic surgeons…Craig is right we have more options than ever and that list is not even close to exhaustive) but we as a society aren’t dealing with the cause – Why was your daughter really overeating? Why is he really gambling? Why is he really overworking? What am I avoiding or fearing to turn to food for comfort? Hmmm
If we were able to get uncomfortable within ourselves, to feel the bad times and be able to rationalise our actions, than we would be fine…but by the time we reach for the chocolate (whatever your vice is), we’ve already let it get too far.
If we can solve this one, we solve addiction – overeating, ice, smoking, gambling etc…I don’t know one truly happy morbidly obese person; not only because of the hurtful stigma but because they feel the health pressures. No painkillers or food can block out the emotional damage those spiteful comments from others DO cause! Even those throw away comments; I was eating a salad, practically lettuce, a standard bowl of garden salad with some chicken…“Wow you must be hungry”. Please just leave me alone, why would it possibly matter to you? Why must we be so critical and judgemental, even when it is not our business?
Tough love works if the person is open to it and some people never will be, there is also the chance of a relapse which is likely when it was a learned behaviour. If unlearning it was easy, we would have done it by now and we wouldn’t resist. Jen, your motives as a responsible parent and your personal weight maintenance is admirable but from my perspective (similar to your daughters) I would have rejected it. In a way you were trying to change her as a quick-fix, it never dealt with her underlying issues and behaviours; the reasons she was eating. It may take her a while to see what you were trying to do and the support you gave but although you may ‘know what’s best’ as a parent (that being healthy and the confidence she’d have looking amazing in her deb dress), it may not always be displayed in the way parents go about things. This was alluded to in a previous Blog by Craig.
When it gets this far, it is no longer about the food (especially when you are eating it for the sake of it and not for the taste or the company), it is about the coping strategies and the pressure we are putting on ourselves; take for evidence the exponential admissions in young children with eating disorders or the enormous prevalence of antidepressants (which are totally justified if they are required and should not have a stigma attached). There is so much being asked of each of us and the pressure to obtain perfection is ridiculous; especially the cuts it makes to our self esteem, our self image, our confidence in ourselves and around others – the deadlines, the stereotypes, the rapid rate of society, the high standards we must achieve and maintain – and for what? Do we even know why we do most of the things we do now? Sat back to ask what it is that drives you? “Getting really quiet” I could quote The Man but he does it so much better than me. I think society has just as much to answer for as the parent depicted in this story…we also cant take the onus completely from the child, because they need to want to be helped.
Enough! Go Craig xo
(Posted before, too many names, Melb currently)
Hi Tami.
You go girl.
Get on that soap box whenever you like…
Thanks for your thoughts.
( )
Hi Piper…
I’m aiming for healthy.
Hot?.. not a chance.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Hi Jen.
Now we know why I’m not a parent.
Not grown-up enough…
Good luck Jen.
Nice essay
Hi Anonymous…
DUDE!!
That’s some serious work you’ve put in there.
Well done.
Thanks for your honesty, your thoughts and your insight.
I don’t need to write a post today; you did it for me!!
Later.
Hmm, what a post. You make us realise one needs to address the control issues NOW!
It would be twice as hard for parents of teens, as teens are moody and seem to want to do the opposite of any ‘helpful’ parental suggestions!
Am reading Fattitude by the way, – terrific book! AND tomorrow will get my current cardio fitness level shown up when I run the City to Surf tomorrow, – 12km.
Pip
Craig
At first when i started to read the story i thought you were writing about yourself.That was until you said ‘150kg’. You weren’t that big where you? I too was told it was just ‘puppy fat’ and i would ‘grow out of it’. I did grow out. Sideways. Having been a fat kid myself, then a fat female teenager (from observation i assumed it was ok to be a fat male) and then a fat young adult. most of my life has been nothing but a big embarrassment all because of my fat. Yes my fat! I put it there. Why? Who the hell knows and to be honest i don’t really care to find out why anymore because my mission now is to keep the fat away. Growing up i always felt dumb and was a poor student.I always thought the reason i failed high school was because i was just dumb. Wrong! I failed because i was fat. Being fat keeps you from trying at anything because it’s too much effort. Your too fat or too tired to even bother. As a child relatives and friends tried to help me lose weight but it never worked. Overweight (and ugly) relatives used to enjoy commenting (loudly)to a room full of people that i really shouldn’t be eating cake. I never did understand why all the kids are allowed to eat cake but i’m not. It was especially embarrassing since it was my birthday cake. I come from a european family. Europeans tend to be very honest, they think nothing of publicly telling someone “jesus you’ve put on weight, your ass looks like liverwurst’. Sometimes it’s rude but sometimes,like now, it’s really funny. whenever my parents tried to help me lose weight by criticising me it just made me angry and made me want to eat even more because i thought it was unfair. The more everyone told me to lose weight the more i rebelled. No matter what my parents said i refused to listen. After awhile they gave up. Now i wish they would have shipped me off to the fat farm. As i got older and realised how much time and opportunities i had wasted, i started to become angry at my parents for not trying harder to help me. It was their responsibility as a parent to push me and not give up on their child. But what could they do? They did the best they knew how. I think that no matter what they did it wouldn’t have helped because i was determined not to be helped.
I don’t think that all the information of the dangers of obesity will stop people from eating rubbish. Sometimes you just think ‘what’s the point, i’m gonna have to die someday, may as well enjoy myself and have fun’ But they don’t have fun because they don’t have the energy for fun. I know really skinny people who shove fatty, sugar crap down their throats everyday and their not having fun because their too tired. Feeding and treating your body well is a struggle, it takes effort. Most people, including myself at times don’t want to make the effort because we feel, or allow people to make us feel like we are missing out on something because we don’t go out for a piss up after work on Fridays.
For me, food will always be a struggle and that’s ok. Accepting this keeps me from walking around like a zombie. The hardest thing about losing weight for me is the physical emptiness i feel inside. It’s not emotional, it’s an actual physical emptiness. It’s called hunger and it makes me feel vulnerable, especially being female i find that feeling a real struggle. It’s that vulnerability that makes you binge on a loaf of bread every now and then. When the fat starts melting away and people start commenting on how good your body is starting to look, you have nowhere to hide. That blanket of fat is gone and the only thing you can do is accept the way you feel and sit with it. Or take up a self defense class which is what i did. I thought that maybe if i did something like a self defence class, which is supposed to make you not feel so vulnerable, then maybe i wouldn’t have that empty feeling all the time and maybe it would stop me from eating. Does it work? Sometimes yes and sometimes no. I’m a work in progress ok.
Craig- your story must have hit a nerve because after i finished reading it, my face went very red and hot. So hot in fact that i had to take out the blood pressure machine. My pulse is way way up! Obviously still some unreasolved childhood issues. ha ha.
Ange-Sydney
This is the first post I have read where the comments are nearly as long as your original article. As a minimalist I would just like to say:
Awesome Post Craig. More parables please.
Mim, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania
Bloody hell Jen. Get a load off your chest! LOL!!!
Maybe we should rename the blog to Craig and Jen’s personal development blog.
As parents we do our best based on what we think is right.
Craig, when are you going to do your bit to add to the population?
Nik, Sydney.
Hi again,
I just wanted to say to Jen, try not to worry about being pushy or it being a quick fix, as parents, we are all amateurs. I know I am, i have 2 children a wonderful 8 year old and a frightening 17 year old. My 17 year old daughter is beautiful, really! She models, wins beauty pageants, cheerleads, the whole lot. I was a size 14 for most of her remembering life 8- 15 years old. She has always had the worst eating habits, the worst! Lazy girl, if she is home alone instead of making soup or a sandwich, she will eat chips and dip and nutterbutters. A straight fastfood junkie. Well with yearround competition training and being a flyer (girl on top of the cheer stunts) she always was in good shape, abs and all. So at a size 14, how can you tell your size 0 daughter with any creditability that she was unhealthy on the inside because of food choices (obviously mom wasn’t choosing wisely either). Her sophomore year she decided she was finished cheering… and mom was in the gym 5 days a week and taking care of herself simultaneously. I was dropping the weight and her muscle tone was depleting. Don’t get me wrong, Mandi has never passed a size 2 (alien genes I think… definitely not mine) . But her body was changing and she had always ate like a football player due to her metabolism. I warned, that metabolism changes with those hormones, don’t wait until you have to do a complete body overhaul to take care of your body… in her head I was Charlie brown’s mom “wa wa wa, waa,wa”! Skip to this summer, she decides to do the Miss Alabama local pageant, and she has to wear a bathing suit on stage…. and she comes to mom, how can I get my body tone again??? Well, I am thinking, much easier than me, dang it! And she listens, no cokes, sweet tea (southern thing), no ben&jerrys, no fries, add crunches, add cardio, and so on, she does this for about a month drank nothing but water. She looked great, she won photogenic and bathing suit! Three days after the pageant, right back to the way she was eating. Don’t even think about exercise. Yes, I nag for her health not for the looks but one day, if life is fair at all, she will see a double cheeseburger on her thigh or hip. But the one thing i do know and so does Jen, we taught our daughters how to do it right and they felt first hand the rewards of their efforts. Teaching them and allowing to feel their success is of the best tools in a parents tool box. In 5 or 10 years, she won’t remember all the pushing but I bet she will never forget how she looked and felt in that dress. now, it is their stubborn will that it is their life and body, and it is, but in the end, way, way, way, down the road. They will remember their was success and rewards in the end.
ok, sorry for the second blog but jen your story was close to home. And with that I am off to the gym and you have all motivated me!
peace()
Tami
Hi Pip.
Enjoy the book and the ‘City to Surf’… good for you.
Peace.
Hi Ange… but what do you really feel??!! (LOL)
It would seem that this post has struck a chord with many…
Thanks for sharing Ange and I’m sorry for elevating your BP!!
Hi Mim.
Just for you… more parables it will be.
Peace.
Hi Nik.
Craig and Jen’s blog…. has a ring to it.
( )
Hi Tami… again.
Wise words Grasshopper.
( )
Hey Jen.. you’ve got like fifty therapists and friends… cool huh?
Craig, I know you’ve moved onto the next topic and may possibly not get to read this but I wanted to add my piece anyway.
My daughter was always an average size until she hit puberty. Then overnight she put on loads of weight. Her diet hadn’t changed. We eat healthy though we have treats occassionally. She exercised. In that year she represented her school playing squash and swimming, so there was a fair amount of training involved. We walked together alot. Still the weight wouldn’t budge. What more could I do, I was frightened to put too much pressure on her. Its hard enough going through puberty without adding weight issues to the mix.
I think the weight was due to hormonal changes, and it took a long time to shake that weight.
Now at 21 she has a lovely figure though she would say she wants to lose 5kgs….like every other female I know! She knows about eating healthy and she goes to a gym on a regular basis.
Unfortunately she carries alot of hang ups about her weight which comes directly from her “fat” stage.
I guess I’m just saying, don’t be quick to judge EVERY parent, its not always black & white.
Congratulations on being included in the NutritionFrenzy.com’s Health and Fitness Forum. I have a similar post called “Top 10 Reasons to Exercise” that can be found at http://marylandpersonaltrainer.com/wordpress/weight-loss/top-10-reasons-to-exercise.
Hi Debstar.
I’m hearin’ you..
And I agree.
Thnks to all my therapists and freinds – it’s great!
anonymous – Thanks – I hear you and yes it is more complex and far deeper than what I said – I know that. I have lived it myself with yo yo weight issues. I knew it was a quick fix for a purpose but it was an opportunity to educate and get something started – it was a ‘do it don’t talk about it thing’. Cause she is one who will talk and not do. Enuff said.
Thanks Tami and others who have offered support and encouragement – I have ‘got over’ some other things with her and am trying to move on – I am in Craigs challenge – see you there!
Craig n Jens blog has a nice ring to it……need a bit of yin to go with the yan Craig? LOL
Sorry Nik…Most of what I write is at my own blog.
I love your style, am delighted to discover your work. I’m reading you in Washington, D.C.
Diana Christine
Hi Diana.
Nice to meet you.
Peace.