How to Operate a Bloke

G’day Kids. I thought it was time for a little fun and frivolity at me-dot-com today, although some of you may find the following information moderately educational and insightful. Or not. This article is for you girls – call it my gift to you. Of course it’s written tongue-in-cheek. Mostly.

An Age-Old Problem

The communication, connection and understanding barrier between the sexes has existed since the dawn of time – which could either be six thousand years, or several billion years depending on which camp you fall into – Creation or Evolution. Anyway, it ain’t a new phenomenon and it’s as much of an issue today as it was when Ogg dragged his first kill back to the cave for Mrs Ogg all those millennia ago. And of course she was pissed because he forgot the diet coke.

An Operating Manual

The interesting and often frustrating thing about us blokes is that we don’t come with an instruction manual. And if there was one single ‘how-to’ guide, it would be insufficient because while the majority of men have much in common, we don’t all work exactly the same. I know you girls think we do, but we don’t. For example, I have some of the more typical traits – I like to lift heavy things, I own an unnecessarily fast motorbike, I like food, girls and sport, however, I don’t like to hunt, I don’t drink alcohol and I do love a good theological and philosophical debate. See – different.

Some Universal Truths

However, putting aside our individual idiosyncrasies and differences, there are some universal truths that apply to the majority (not the entirety) of bloke-dom. Truths which if understood, embraced and applied by the females of the species could potentially lead to relationship nirvana and world peace. In fact, this article and your application of the relevant information, could change the landscape of humanity as we know it, so put your hand on your heart ladies and read on.

In an effort to distill what could be millions of words on the topic down into something which is more reader friendly, concise and practical, I have decided to summarise my extensive research (forty five years of being a bloke) into a few simple recommendations, thoughts and suggestions…

1. Say what you need to say briefly and get to the point quickly. We males can only maintain concentration or simulate interest for so long. Apart from the fact that our attention span never improves beyond the age of six (except where sport or work is involved), we get confused and disinterested when you girls go the ‘long way’ with any conversation. When it comes to verbosity, less is more. Just give us the facts.

2. We don’t get offended often. Or if we do, it’s not for long. Diplomacy doesn’t work with most men. Be blunt, straight and specific. Don’t allude to my ’slightly tighter jeans’ – just tell me that I’m turning into a fat pig. I’ll understand that.

3. Don’t infer or be subtle. We’ll miss the point and you’ll get hurt. Don’t wait for us to notice something or read between the lines, you’ll die of old age and frustration first. Unlike many women, we blokes don’t generally read into things. We don’t walk away from conversations and ask ourselves questions like, “I wonder what she really meant when she said…” Nope, not how we work.

4. Learn to think like a bloke. This doesn’t mean ‘become’ a bloke, it simply means know how we’re wired. To be honest, we men generally consider thinking to be somewhat over-rated as it invariably leads to problems. Especially in relationships. Contrary to popular belief, in many ways the typical male of the species has evolved ‘beyond’ thinking and is capable of putting himself into a meditative state in a matter of seconds. Very Eckhart Tolle. And you thought we weren’t deep.

5. Fragrance. If your bloke is not taking enough notice of you, it may well be your fragrance. Despite what you think, we hate floral smells; they remind us of our creepy old Aunties. Vanilla and musk are generally good options for blokes (they remind us of food) but if those two don’t prove to be effective, you might wanna wear something with a hint of petrol (gasoline), beer or steak. If all else fails, dab a little Dencorub behind both ears (my personal fave) – that should do the trick.

6. We like to fix things. If you don’t want us to fix it, then don’t complain about it. If you want sympathy, ring your girlfriend.

7. We don’t do doctors. We blokes have our own health-management strategy and it mostly doesn’t involve doctors. It’s a little known fact that merely being in the presence of a doctor will typically induce a stress response in the average male of the species – seeing an elevation in heart rate, respiration, blood pressure, cortisol production and an increased risk of stroke and heart attack. For the average bloke, a doctor is a last resort and we may need to be unconscious to see him.

8. Keep in mind that size matters. Car engines. TV screens. Meals. Bank balance. Biceps. Penis. The obvious exception being the mobile (cell) phone. And for some of us, the penis.

9. We lie. A lot. We are masters of exaggeration, embellishment and omission – all fancy words for telling fibs. We never let the facts get in the way of a good story and the older we get, the better we were. We are inherently insecure and needy so we make stuff up. If other people think we’re better than we actually are, they’ll like us more. And that’s very important.

10. We don’t get movies with a complex story line. And we all wanna be Jason Bourne. If you don’t want us asking stupid questions the whole time then don’t take us to those stupid movies. If we have to think, we’re not interested.

11. We are emotionally challenged. So stop asking us how we feel – we don’t know.

12. If you want us to be more interested in you, then act less interested in us. If you want us to be less interested in you, then act more interested in us. We want what we can’t have. We find desperation a turn off and indifference sexy. I know… it confuses me too.

13. Watching sport is healing. Unlike visiting a doctor, watching sport – either on TV or live – will add years to the life of a male. Only now is medical science beginning to understand the numerous therapeutic benefits of being a sporting spectator. Some of the more enlightened physicians are now actually prescribing sport watching as a treatment for a range of conditions – for everything from chafing to cancer – with outstanding results. When the male is watching sport his body is producing happy hormones and we all know, happy hormones equal good health and long life. It is estimated that if the average bloke could consistently watch between eight and twelve hours of sport each day, one day we could see a sports fan live to three hundred years of age.

14. Don’t discourage farting. Men who hold in farts have been known to explode. There have been several cases of men spontaneously combusting at the kitchen table because their partner was unsupportive of their flatulence. So selfish. I actually know a bloke, who knows a bloke who’s next door neighbours’ uncle blew up holding in a fart at the kitchen sink. They found his DNA in six different rooms. Now if that’s not proof, I dunno what is. Just remember girls, a farting bloke is a happy bloke. Apart from the obvious health benefits (better out than in), the fart can also be a great ice-breaker in certain social settings. But then again, maybe that’s just me.

15. Don’t ever ring us and tell us that “we need to talk” when you get home. We won’t be there.

16. Your tip? I was going to leave it at fifteen points but then I thought, why waste all that collective genius (I’m talking about you) out there in cyber-space. Whether you’re a bloke or blokette, I’m sure you have something to add to this most serious of discussions. Just click on the comment thingy at the bottom to add your thoughts and we’ll send out a book or shirt (your choice) for our most insightful and clever contribution.

Okay, no need to watch Doctor Phil any more girls, just simply apply this invaluable information and enjoy the incredible results. Remember, this is all cutting-edge research and of course, you can’t argue with science. So do it for you, do it for your bloke, do it for your relationship and most importantly, do it for humanity. The world will be a better place.

You’re welcome.

As always, let me know your thoughts on this topic. If you’re not sure how to leave a comment, click here. Yes, even you chronic Lurkers.

Ciao x