Fifteen Things You Won’t Find on My CV

The Impressive CV

Most times when I do a speaking gig, a representative from the organisation I’m working for will introduce me to the audience. The company in question will invariably contact Johnny leading up to the event and ask him to send them through a brief overview of my professional history for the introduction. Obviously, it’s in their interest (and mine) for my CV to sound impressive because that tells their attendees that they have secured the services of a quality speaker for their conference.

As I sit there being introduced, I often wonder how much work I’d get if I actually put my entire work history into the Craig Harper Corporate Profile…. I’m guessin’ not nearly as much! Take a peek at what Johnny sends out to most organisations (see below). It’s not a CV as much as it is a brief professional profile. Excuse the overt cheesey-ness of it all; it’s what companies expect.

Don’t Trip on the Cheddar

“Craig Harper is one of Australia’s leading presenters, educators, motivators and commentators in the areas of health, fitness and personal development. Craig has been an integral part of the Australian fitness landscape since 1982. In that time he has worked as a personal trainer, corporate consultant, personal development speaker, university lecturer, AFL conditioning coach, radio host, TV commentator and host, writer and successful business owner. In 1988 Craig established Harper’s Personal Training, which over the last twenty years has evolved into one of the largest businesses of its kind in the world, completing over 80,000 personal training sessions annually. Craig can be heard regularly on the ABC, GOLD FM, SEN and LIGHT FM radio stations in Melbourne. He can also be seen weekly as the host of Foxtel’s Living Life Now and as the fitness expert for Network Ten’s 9AM morning show. As well as having authored four books, Craig is also the driving force behind Australia’s most successful personal development website – craigharper.com.au.”

The Real Story

Now I know that profile wreaks of cheese (sorry) and I get uncomfortable every time I hear it, but I thought you might be interested to read the ‘official’ version and then contrast it against some of my not-so-glamorous-or-successful work history. Here we go…

1. I owned a beauty salon for three years in the mid 90’s. Clearly it didn’t help my head. I didn’t actually lose money but I didn’t make any either. My business partner (the beauty therapist) bought me out in a mutually beneficial arrangement. I had no idea about beauty therapy so I kept well clear of the salon.

2. About ten years ago I was asked to do a brief (twenty minute) talk on Stress Management at a national conference for a large Australian company. Even though I’d never done a (specific) talk on the topic (my speaking career was just getting under way) and it wasn’t really my field of expertise, I accepted the gig knowing that I would have adequate time to prepare. The woman who booked me told me there would be “a hundred or so” people in the audience. On the day of the talk, I arrived at the venue a little more nervous than normal, knowing that I was presenting on a topic outside of my normal area. I walked into the auditorium and there were twelve hundred people in the audience. I nearly vomited. For two weeks I had been visualising an audience of one hundred. Instantly I was the most stressed person in the entire building. Probably the entire suburb. Walking to the stage my heart rate was seven hundred and fifteen, I was drowning in my own sweat and I was SO nervous that I could hear my heart beating in my ears. My presentation was complete crap.

3. In my early twenties I worked for a few years as a bouncer in various pubs and clubs around Melbourne. Three nights a week until four in the morning I had blokes trying to knock my block off for twelve bucks an hour. In the first hour of the first night that I worked I got head-butted and had my nose broken by a large angry man. It hurt. A lot. Aaaah, those were the days.

4. When I was eighteen I worked at McDonald’s for seven hours as a trainee manager. I resigned on the first day. I probably stayed six hours too long.

5. When I was nineteen I set up a screen printing business from my bedroom complete with printing carousel, stock (clothes), paints, and a vast range of equipment. I had several corporate clients and I did everything from meeting with prospective clients, to buying the garments, to designing logos, to printing and heat-treating, to bagging and delivering, to invoicing and chasing money. None of my clients knew that I was the only employee in the company and none of them knew where my office was. I sold the business to a friend about two years after I set it up. I had lots of fun with that project and learned heaps.

6. In the 90’s I did a community radio show every Saturday morning for two hours with my friend Patrick. The show was crap, I had no idea what I was doing and we had about seven listeners. I did learn a little about radio and gained a few skills though.

7. When I was in my how-big-can-I-get-for-no-sensible-reason bodybuilding phase, I was hired a few times to stand next to skinny little scared blokes who were going to court. They all thought that they might be at risk (of being attacked outside of the court room). I never really had to do anything. Just stand there and look large and unfriendly. Easy money.

8. I worked at McEwans (a hardware chain in Australia) between midday and 4 p.m. for a year when I was twenty (ish). I wore a snappy red jacket and kissed the girl from the lighting section in the staff room as often as possible. It broke the monotony of selling door knobs and hinges. She looked much better in her red jacket than me. We never went on a date. I probably didn’t need to share all that. Oh well.

9. On my thirtieth birthday I was working at the gym (my gym) when a surprise ‘present’ arrived from one of my (female) clients; Miss Nude Australia. I nearly died. You can probably guess how Mr. Professionalism and Mr Customer Service (me) felt as my present started to unwrap herself. Initially I thought she was only a dancer (what I was told) and she was only going to dance for me. I (honestly) didn’t want her to dance, let-alone take off her clothes. As I realised what was happening I told her to stop and shuffled her politely off the premises, much to the disappointment of my male trainers and amazingly, most of the female clients in the gym. They all wanted to see the show. All I wanted to do was mentor the girl into another career. I don’t think she was too interested.

10. I owned a solarium centre in the early 90’s. Yeah, I know; you don’t need to tell me. This was before we all knew how bad they were. I lost plenty. Yet again.

11. The first year that I worked as a Trainer I made about fifty people throw up. I trained most of them as hard as I trained myself. Seemed to make sense at the time.

12. My second ever professional speaking gig was at a big timber yard and hardware business which employed about a hundred blokes. My presentation was after work and was an optional training session for all the employees. Of the hundred staff, three came to hear me speak. One was the boss who organised the talk. I got paid seventy five bucks. They got ripped off. I was pretty bad.

13. A couple of years ago I interviewed a very well-known Australian athlete on the radio (as I’ve done many times). That’s the good bit. The bad bit is that I called him the wrong name on air. Twice. He wasn’t happy.

14. A few years ago I was training a stinky male client who accidentally spat as he was lifting a relatively heavy weight. Sadly, that’s the good bit. The bad bit is that I was standing in front of him and speaking at the time. The slag left his mouth (I feel sick just writing this) and flew in a perfect arc… into my mouth. Yep, the glamorous life of a Trainer.

15. At one stage I had five separate businesses and over a hundred staff. My overheads were massive, my profits were minimal, my people issues were constant, my business challenges were constant, my staffing problems were numerous and my fun factor was zero. I sold everything except for one business. I was thirty five. My life got instantly better.

So things aren’t always as they seem are they? People often say to me things like “as if you’d know what it’s like to struggle…” That’s when I wheel out my alternate CV. The unofficial one. The truth is that most ’success stories’ have been preceded by many (many, many)…. lessons. I’m no exception.

We don’t deserve success, we earn it.

Share with me (and a few others) what we might find on your alternate CV…. click on the comment thingy and spill yer guts.