A Letter From the Commander of Men-Central
Dear Brethren, just a quick note to address a few issues raised at the last meeting and to inform you that new regulations stipulate that you’re no longer required to be the chest-beating, hunter-gatherer, alpha-male of the species. The pressure is off lads. You can breathe easy. It appears that some of you missed the previous memo and are still a little confused regarding what does and doesn’t qualify as acceptable behaviour for a penis owner in 2012.
So listen up.
Well, despite what your dad and granddad may have taught you, these days it’s quite acceptable (desirable, even) for men to have conversations with other men about things other than sport, politics, cars, business and how much you lift at the gym. Despite group thinking, social programming, our multitude of insecurities and our somewhat poor track record, new research suggests that it is possible for us males to discuss things such as feelings, fears, hopes and dreams without compromising our manliness. There have even been reports of well-adjusted, fully-functional men hugging and crying. Together.
Who the f*ck knew?
Whoops. Sorry about my language. I was just trying to impress you. Because I’m needy. And a little insecure. And I want your approval. Wow, I feel strangely liberated.
Yet vulnerable.
F*ck.
Also, the latest intell coming out of the Men-Central research centre is that your ability to intimidate, hurt and kill other male members of the tribe is not quite as important as it once was. In fact, until further notice, you are hereby instructed to avoid all intimidating, hurting and killing.
Thankyou for your compliance.
So, rather than making this some long-winded monologue (we all hate those), today we (at the Agency) thought we would provide you with a basic point-form summary of what is and isn’t okay for the modern male of the species.
1. Pilates. Surprisingly, okay.
2. Being scared and admitting it. Fine.
3. Saying “I don’t know”. Fine.
4. Having zero fighting skills. Fine.
5. Watching Desperate Housewives. Not fine. We have limits.
6. Subscribing to a personal development site. Fine. But rare.
7. Making a stupid man joke whenever the conversation gets serious. Not fine.
8. Being wrong. Fine. (I may have to double check this).
9. Being able to construct shit from Ikea. Preferred but not required.
10. Telling dick jokes. If you must.
11. Laughing at farts. Compulsory.
12. Seeing someone about your stuff. Recommended.
13. Saying “ditto” when someone tells you they love you. Not okay.
14. Starting any sentence with “Don’t take this the wrong way but…”. Not okay.
15. Owning a 300 kph car in a state with a speed limit of 110kph. Optional.
16. Singing in your motorbike helmet. Fine.
17. Using the acronyms LOL and OMG. Not okay. Ever.
18. Asking another bloke how he feels. Fine.
19. Going to the doctor for regular check-ups. Fine. Apparently.
20. Telling another bloke he’s in great shape. Fine. Yep, fine. No, really. Fine.
Now, keep in mind that this letter is a preliminary document only. The full report and list of recommended behaviours will be forwarded to you in early April.
At ease men (LOL).
Oops.
The Commander.
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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
A man said the F$&k word to me today but he was just a frustrated male in a Sim Metal Truck. Not ok to swear at a lady, ever
Can we add to the list the following for consideration by the brethren;
* telling your kids you love them regularly and not just when they do something at their chosen sport that makes you proud.
* when you can tell another bloke is in a bad way (for any one of a variety of reasons), help him out without needing to be asked so that he can just say thanks – it makes it easier for him to accept the help.
* on that point, let’s add thanking someone properly when they do something that deserves recognition.
Just my initial suggestions on what should be added to the list. What do you reckon?
So glad I was born and stayed female … too much pressure to be a man, whatever that is! Heaps of great role models out there and lots of others who’d be better off living with like minded mates in some prehistoric cave. The day might come when a lot of females stop trying to prove how tough they are too when acting out the worst male behaviour. Pity it’s such a constant war of the sexes. We can’t seem to just appreciate the best stuff and control our hormones. Well, pigs might fly! Good luck fellas!
Mr Harper, you never fail to write brilliant pieces – this one is gold… I hope when I forward it to my Husband he agrees!
Thankyou for making me smile.
This is soooo funeeeee.. not one comment from the fellas?? I am shocked! c’ommn guys, I would have thought that at least a few of you would have had something brainy to say… after all, Craig has put a lot of thought into this blog and deserves some intelligent conversation from you young modern men of today! of course I agree with everything he said, it is of course true and correct … except, OMG Craig, what IS wrong with an occasional LOL?
Ha! Thanks for the great read Craig! I sent this to my husband just after reading the title
Maybe he will drop the weights and come to pilates tonight? I’ll keep you posted!
You forgot to add that it’s okay to ask for directions
a great blog in quintessential Harper style. Love it.
Finally! A guy saying it’s alright for a bloke to be a woman! OMG and LOL
Absolutely brilliant!
. In addition to being privy to a Men-Central missive, I just got a husband manual,
Commander, I feel the need for your wise counsel on a very personal dilemma.
If I purchase a man-bag will it change my sexual orientation.
Yours,
Scared and worried of Sydney
Dear Scared and Worried of Sydney. Great question.
Current research indicates that purchasing, owning and even using the afore-mentioned accessory will not change one’s sexual orientation. However, there are indicators that it may impact somewhat on reputation.
See you at the next meeting.
The Commander
Hello CH, about 30 years ago (1984 I think) there was an interstate transport driver from SA who had a small handbag which he carried everywhere, at the time we nicknamed him “Handbag”. Also in 1960s in the shearing sheds of NSW as a teenagere, I noticed a number of shearers carried there shearing gear/tools in bags that looked very much like a ladies’ old handbag. So some men’s behaviour is not realy all that new; but probably attitudes have changed in some ways.
Heres 2 more very important ones:
You can let someone else have the remote control (just for a moment or two)……totally fine.
Walking into a room and changing channels without consulting with the person watching tv……NOT OK EVER.
I think this list will be very long by April
Classic!! Thanks for the smile Commander
)
Thanks Craig,
Awesome article! Straight forward simple advice that even a bone head like me should benefit from…..
Once I learn to share the remote, get my own beer, (or pass on it) and avoid trying to look over her shoulder to the TV when a welcome home kiss is required.
Major work in progress!
What about the Beta & Gamma males?
We epsilons are a pretty happy lot.
Another good question Martin.
While the same recommendations apply, it appears that the Beta males of the group are a little ahead of their alpha counterparts (emotionally), while the Gammas are a needy bunch at the back of the evolutionary pack.
As you were.
The Commander.
I can hear all the ladies cheering with you Craig but I’m a bit iffy on this topic.
Firstly I like a man to be a man! I like a woman to be a woman! Hey it’s been working for centuries but now we’re in this big human experiment that is changing the structure of society. But I refuse to allow myself or my children partake of this experiment.
Before all of you think I am backwards please understand I am not a traditionalist, a feminist, I do not identify with macho men or any group. Rather I believe in God, nature, biology, humanity, morality and how you are reared. My father always taught me to be a strong woman and I am.
I believe both parents, girlfriends, wives (especially mothers) are at fault of raising their boys/men into ‘mummy’s boys’ who become ‘wired’ to be inconsiderate, insensitive, spoilt, single-tasking drones who are comfortable in not having to deal with dishes, ironing and feelings. I’m sorry for coming off as a know-it-all, I am open to saying ‘I was wrong’, humility and ideas – I love learning.
When I say I like a man to be a man – I believe I am genetically wired to find a strong intelligent man who I can team with for life. I have my husband (leaving myself open here?) and we are both working on the consideration, love, respect, and the talking feelings part. He is ‘my rock’ and I am his.
As a woman I have been known to show these ‘manly traits’ or as it is more commonly known being a “bitch”. In growing within my relationship with my husband I have found that to retaliate to his selfishness is a waste of time but to speak with love and respect it is (eventually) reciprocated – it does take time to break from immature habits but it is worth it. I believe these ‘manly’ traits are not solely restricted to men but rather are renamed or reclassified for either brotherhood or sisterhood to find common ground.
As humans we like to identify with groups to satisfy our ulterior motives of comfort or convenience. I come from a European background where I have noticed many people who would not identify with each other in their own country identify with each other here in Australia just because they feel comfortable that someone can understand where they are coming from (but then they bitch about each other anyway). Most smokers identify with smokers, drinkers with drinkers, sportspeople with sportspeople etc etc but then you have people like Craig who can look from outside the bubble in and see where most people are coming from.
I think I was saved from all this group identification because growing up I could not find a group identity. I have immigrant parents, I was born in Australia and at the time neither culture would accept me as their own. I eventually grew comfortable in my own skin and identified with the human race
Whilst on the topic of backgrounds, men in my culture are very open to kissing or hugging each other when greeting or offering support. The no kissing and hugging social norm in Australia I’m pretty sure has been brought about from our ‘tea-drinking, hand-shaking, convict’ background.
Oh and I really really despise this “women can multi-task and men cannot” business. I will say it again “CHILD REARING”. There are great documentaries on Neuroplasticity – the mind is an amazing biological machine (for lack of a better word) – showing how the brain can rewire itself (akin to building a new message pathway) and if a girl with literally half a brain can learn and function to full capacity and accident victims can learn to use their limbs again surely a man can be rewired to multitask if he wanted to.
Yes we live in Australia and men and women have rights compared with other 3rd world or male dominated societies but a woman can command respect with presentation of self just as a man can. If you present yourself as a weak individual (man or woman) it is obvious that you will be taken for granted. No I don’t mean go out and be a bitch but rather learn to listen to others, respond with intelligence, ask questions when you don’t understand, admit when you’re wrong and in general conduct yourself with dignity, respect and politely stand up for yourself when you need to.
Let me finish by saying that I am human, I am not perfect and sometimes I can forget these ‘rules’ especially when I allow myself to succumb to anger – which I am learning let go of. Oh and apologies for the long winded comment
Hehehehehehe
I. Loved. It!
LOL]
(especially #5)
Thank you Craig.
[OMG I finally posted after 3 years!
I feel liberated
‘acceptable behaviour for a penis owner’ ~ friggin hysterical- definately LOL’d at this!
hahaha love it, except NOOOO I need my man to be able to unpack and assemble furniture. None of seems to come whole anymore!!
20. Telling another bloke he’s in great shape. Fine. Yep, fine. No, really. Fine,
Generally I would say I agree to this Craig but there is a time and a place, BUT! the other morning I was at the gym having a shower after workout, getting ready for work, the showers are the footy club communal style shower, when fully soaped up a fellow gym user commented on the fact that he thought I was looking in great shape! as he was stepping into the showers, well you could have heard a bar of soap drop, a few other patrons in the change room jokingly questioned our sexuality! so in response to you comment I think its OK to tell another bloke that he is looking great PROVIDING he at least has some form of clothing on!
I had to pick myself up off of the floor from laughter after reading this. Loved it!
I assumed the article was written by a woman!
OMG I am so LMFAO over this totally hilarious post.:P
what?….
I’ve been married 20 years. I don’t even own my penis any more..
Seriously since I decided to come down from the trees a couple of decades ago, I’ve dragged my knuckles on the ground til they bled and then worked out that standing upright is really OK.
Man hug to you craigo (that o makes it ok right?)
Yes Damo; research suggests that the ‘O’ (on the end of a man’s name) makes a manhug 43% more acceptable and 78% less awkward.
Can’t argue with stats.
The Commander.
Dear Master and Commander,
Is this really what guys want? or what they think chicks want?.
I already have gender confusion. I like my 2 boys being boys and my 2 girls being girls and my hubby being a bloke. is this another issue?
Why cant boys be boys and do boy stuff and girls be girls and do girl stuff? If boys get too in touch with their feminine side dont they risk losing all their wonderful male traits that girls love and vice versa.
Dear Miss Chebbieanne,
A better question is: Why are you reading a men-only document? This is your first official warning and you are hereby placed on a twelve-month probation.
The Commander.
OMG now I am afraid LOL, dont know what to do and need a hug. hahahahaha. LMFAO. I must have missed the “for penis owners eyes only disclaimer” Warning noted.
I understand that your warning is not an attempt to intimidate, hurt or attempt to kill me for my clumsy transgression into the sacred man cave.
Dear Master and Commander I throw myself at the mercy of the Agency as a female without a penis who shall forever remain that way.
Hmm.
Mercy? Wrong agency. I’ll reduce the probation period to six months but that’s it.
As you were.
The Commander.
My most humble thanks Master and Commander. It is so much more than I expected or deserve.
I want to make it quite clear that I do not own a penis.
My penis owns me.