Are You Wearing Cheese… or do You Always Smell Like That?

So…. I deviate from the Personal Development theme for one day, I write some mindless, silly, inane, comment on human behaviour and inappropriate kissing….. and I get inundated with comments and emails!

On the other hand, I write some deep, philosophical, life-changing, hugely insightful(?) masterpiece (it’s my delusion; stay out of it) and I get donuts, zip, nada…. but chat about the smelly, kissy lady with the fish lips and you guys come out of the woodwork!

You should be ashamed.
Clearly you all need professional help.

And to get out more.

A hobby maybe.
Sailing perhaps.

Or archery.

Okay, so you have a penchant for ridiculous social commentary this week… well who am I to let you down?

So there I was today, minding my own business, when a lady that I trained ten years ago came into the centre.
You know what I’m gonna say right?
I know you’ll think I’m fibbing to make a funny post.. but I’m not.

Not only did she try to kiss me on the lips but she held my wrist as she did it.

What the heck is that!!?

I felt violated.

I implemented my aversion tactic with limited success.
I was chatting with my PA earlier today and she told me the key was the rapid head turn.

“Give them the cheek-only option”, she told me.
I didn’t remember until the last minute and then it was almost too late.

She successfully kissed the corner of my mouth.
Weirdo.

Sure that was freaky… but not as bad as what followed.
As she talked to me she reached over and wiped off (with the side of her thumb) the lipstick that she had apparently left on my face…. and kept chatting.

What am I… six?

Anyway, it seems that the inappropriate social behaviour discussion is of interest to some folk, so let’s finish this weird little tongue-in-cheek mini-series by taking a look at a few social habits that seem to annoy the crap out of most of us.
Well, me anyway.

In no particular order, here they are:

1. People who constantly make the conversation about them.
You might be talking about the weather and they come out with; “Oh yeh, that reminds me of the time when I was trekking across the Arctic circle….”
They have an amazing skill to be able to somehow relate every discussion (no matter what the subject matter) back to themselves and their incredible (mostly fabricated) achievements.
They’ve always done it bigger and better and they have a gift for making you feel like… you and your stories are somehow insignificant and inconsequential.

2. People who don’t listen.
They feign interest and even nod mid-conversation. They say things like “oh really”… but have no idea what you’re talking about….. and you know they’re totally looking at the girl who’s getting into the taxi or they’re looking over your shoulder at the game on TV.

The eyes always give it away.

3. People who talk louder than is appropriate for the situation.
We know drunk people do this.. so we can kind of excuse them because they’re a little out of control but I’m actually talking about those people who just don’t get it. It’s like they’re the only person in the whole world who doesn’t know how annoying they are. Unfortunately this is usually men.
Why is that?

4. Inappropriate mobile (cell) phone use.
The other day I was in an elevator with about ten people when a guy’s phone rang. I wondered what he’d do… I didn’t have to wonder for long; he answered the phone and proceeded to the talk at the top of his voice for thirty floors about his social life.
I can’t even begin to understand how someone can be so stupid, unaware and socially inept.
He was.

5. People who talk with their mouth full... and periodically spit little projectiles (saliva or food) and just keep on talking. A few years ago I was at a party and was cornered by an overly enthusiastic fitness bunny who was just getting a little too excited telling me about her weight-loss and her life transformation. While I was happy for her success, I wasn’t digging the combination of her masticating (look it up) and talking simultaneously. Needless to say, a rain coat and goggles would have been advantageous.
For the entire conversation I could actually see what she was eating in various stages of breakdown.
At one stage she actually lobbed a little ball of slag right on my bottom lip.

Charming.

6. People who can’t smell their own body odour.
ARE THEY KIDDING!!?
I can smell the stench from fifty feet, yet they can’t smell their arm pits from six inches.
Do they have some massive sensory dysfunction?
Do they spray Parmesan cheese under their pits instead of deodorant or what?

One of the down sides of owning a gym is the numerous stinky people who obviously missed that class on personal hygiene in grade seven.
It’s like something died inside their workout gear but nobody told them.

“Hey Dude, when’s the funeral?”

“What funeral?”

“The one for the dead rat in your training shorts”.

7. Guys (it’s always guys) who think they’re funny and amusing… when they’re clearly not.
At all.
When some guy pipes up with “hey you guys, I’ve got a funny story”… run out of the building and don’t look back.
If you do get trapped, you’ll notice that invariably they will start laughing at their own crap humour before the story or joke is complete in a pathetic attempt to encourage others to join in.

It never works.

8. People who always talk about how much things cost or what they earn.
So not cool.

Embarrassing and sad.

“Okay your shoes cost five hundred dollars… that just makes you an idiot!”

9. People who know everything about everything.
No matter what you’re talking about.. they know all about it.

“Nuclear fusion?… sure no prob.. take a seat, I’ll explain it to you.”

They’re strangely compelled to establish some kind of (perceived) intellectual superiority…

“Cellular physiology… sure, gotcha note pad ready?”

Well there you have it groovers; a few little social annoyances to ponder. Let us know your thoughts and feel free to add to the list.. (tell us where you’re from too).

* Panic not you hard-core Personal Development junkies and seekers of truth, these past two posts are but blips of mirth and frivolity on the Self-Help landscape. The Personal Development police have contacted me, told me to stop being silly and to get on with the job of helping you all create your best life.

Tomorrow normal, responsible, grown up, ‘Personal Development’ Craig will be back….