No Philosophy Today
If you came here today in search of some potentially life-defining philosophy, some mind-altering insight or perhaps some state-changing motivation, you’ll be disappointed. You may wanna come back tomorrow. No, today is for those of us who like to laugh at ourselves without finding reason to get all offended and precious – which seems to be very popular these days. Anyway… a few months back we explored a bit of fun and silly-ness, as we do on occasion here at me-dot-com, with an amusing little article article called “Twenty Three Things You Ladies (Probably) Won’t Hear From Your Bloke”. Well, it seems that I’m not the only one who likes to laugh at myself or take the piss out of my own gender. I have had numerous requests (mainly from women) to explore the female version of the concept. So I thought I’d open the door on the discussion and let you all finish it with your hilarious, clever and insightful (I hope) comments.
Okay, here we go blokes…… words you will never hear from your lady.
1. Hey Champ, pull my finger.
2. You’re right Sweetie; it is handy having your mother around to point out my faults and mistakes. Do you think if I ask nicely, she might move in with us?
3. Honey, I really think you should cut back on those vegies and eat a little more meat.
4. Of course I want you to go on a two-week hunting trip with the boys. Good for you, you really deserve a break. That’ll give me some quality time with our nine kids.
5. No Sweetie, I really do love your big fat, white, hairy stomach. Can I touch it again?
6. Sure I’ll clean your ears… let me just grab my wax tray and my hot water syringe.
7. No, I don’t find Brad Pitt attractive at all. He’s a little effeminate for my liking. I like the fuller-figured, alpha-male warrior type; like you.
8. I love your farts; they’re so funny. Do another one.
9. Of course size doesn’t matter Honey. Have we started yet?
10. You’re right; your shoulder hair is totally sexy. Can I comb it?
11. Honey, can we please get some twenty inch wheels on the Ford? And perhaps a turbo and some darker window tint?
12. I know you wanted to paint the spare room this weekend but can we pleeeease go to football instead?
13. Wow, our new neighbour really does have a great body doesn’t she? She seems so nice and I love that teeny weeny skirt she’s wearing. You should go over and introduce yourself.
14. You’re right; that TV simply isn’t big enough. More beer Honey?
15. I know you wanted to take me dress shopping to thank me for building the fifth bedroom, but honestly Sweetie, I already have too many dresses. And what’s a girl gonna do with more than four anyway?
16. I really think we need to eat more pizza.
17. Honey… I’m off to the gym to do some heavy squats; I really need some more size on my legs and butt.
18. Wow, you really are the strongest man in the world.
19. Honey, instead of watching that stupid “Grays Anatomy”, do you mind if we watch “Blood Sport” again?
20. Hey, your feet really are attractive.
21. (Walking out of the bathroom) Wow, that was some dump. I nearly dislocated my pelvis.
22. You are so much funnier that Adam Sandler.
23. Bathroom scales? What are they?
24. Have you seen Jim’s new leaf blower… I so want one of those.
25. I really like my body just the way it is.
Okay, for the two most amusing additions to our silly list I will send a copy of Fattitude (anywhere in the world). The philosopher and educator will be back on Monday. Probably. Enjoy your weekend Groovers.
Ciao x
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I LOVE driving around aimlessly for miles and hours. Please don’t stop and ask for directions.
I LOVE driving around aimlessly for miles and hours. Please don’t stop and ask for directions.
Ooooh I have so many to add, I could be here until daylight.
5 Extra Things You Blokes (Probably) Won’t Hear From Your Lady…..
* Yes sweetheart, I insist you leave the toilet seat up from now on!
* Of course, leave your dirty clothes scattered all over the floor. I’ll pick them up. The extra exercise will do my buttocks some good.
* I’ll change the toilet rolls from now on – you just leave the finished rolls on the floor.
* You just sit there nice and relaxed – and I’ll lift your beer up to your mouth for you.
* Here’s your $500 spending money – now you go and have a really nice night out with the boys. See you in the morning darling.
…..
Thanks for making me laugh Craig.
I’m tired and over a few things whilst also staring at my pile of washing and ironing; (
I’m up late doing some last minute fundraising stuff for our yr 3 Liver-transplant student, we (p&f me treasurer) are helping Anthony and his mum go to the first world transplant games being held in QLD. its been some hard work over the past month but all worth it as our little primary school (no high school) have raised $1000……I’m so chuffed with that.
Its a nice feeling
Hey Craig…….pull my finger! Not! : )
Mel
xox
Of course I would love to have you manage my accounts, honey! Oh, and while I’m driving, could please grunt everytime a car seems to be heading towards us? It would save you the effort of pressing down on the (oops) non-existent brakes on your side of the car!
How about:
You’re right, hon — ‘monogamy’ is too cruel a rule for men! It goes against nature.
Hey Craig, Hope all is well with you and you have a great weekend!!
Well…..I have a couple to add to the list
I don’t care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for
a designer dress.
What do you mean today’s our anniversary?
Can we not talk to each other tonight? I’d rather just
watch TV.
ohhh!! This diamond is WAY too BIG!
Talk to you soon! Take care…..
Sheila H in South Carolina
G’day Craig
How’s this one.
You’re right dear, all these other road users are dickheads and have no idea what they’re doing.
Yell at that one again and see if you can get closer to the arse end of that one…that’ll show him!!
Alan
You know, I’ve been complaining a lot lately. I don’t blame you for ignoring me.
Honey feel free to leave your stuff on the floor, it’s an honor to pick up after you….
Honey, I went ahead and removed the toilet seat. It really just gets in our way, I’d much rather use the straddle method!
Or
Yes, you’re right honey, the news anchor woman would be more respected if she a had a bigger rack!
()
Tami
LOL, that was hilarious!!!!!
Gave me a good laugh to start my Friday thanks!!!
Can’t think of any to add though
Have an awesome weekend,
hugs
Chelle xxx
Morning All,
Ah, what a way to start the day. I had a good giggle! But I confess to being a bit of a tomboy at times…I probably would hot up my truck/4wd if I still owned it {actually it was pretty hotted up when I sold it! see 11.}; I do love pizza {16} and do watch a fight show on Fox {can’t think of the name of it}.
Hmmm and I wonder why I’m single…{not really, love the single life!}.
So here goes in my quest for Fattitude.
Yes honey, I would like to undress for you while standing in front of that blinding 2000w fluorescent light! or if you didn’t like that how about the reverse…Could you undress closer to the blinding flourescent light….
Have a rockin’ day everyone!
I bought you some Speedo’s for our trip to the beach. You’ll look great in them.
Honey, let me know when your next wax appointment is. I could use a bit of a tidy up myself.
Kirsty
Wow. I’m not sure whether to laugh or barf!
But thanks for reminding me how much I like being single!
Sandra in Virginia, US
No honey, Im not sick Im just making more room for pizza and beer.
Of course i dont mind if you pick your nose and rub your butt it looks so manly on you.
Im so glad you told your workmates about our sex life, hope i measure up to their standards.
No, I dont want children, I want to spend all my time looking after your needs, afterall, your the most important person in my life
Okay Craig, I’ll join in the sillyness – how about:
26. Oh honey can you please cook baked beans on toast every night I love the farting competition!
27. I just love having your dogs sleep with us on our bed, it takes our relationship to another on who snores the loudest!
Regards Cheryl
Some of these have been great! My “contribution” is…
No honey it’s fine, as long as you had an orgasm that is all that matters!!
Cheers,
Chris
ROFL…!
Oh I know how perceptive you are! Ive only had a hair cut, gone blonde, got a new boob job, lost ten kilos… yes there is something different about me tonight.
Your a cack Craig!
Hi Craig,
I have to amend #17 for you as I say that one often (amateur figure competitor who needs a bigger butt!):
“Yeah I know my legs aren’t really that muscular, they’re just covered in a nice thick layer of fat, which I think looks great!”
And because #21 nearly made me spit out my coffee, how about:
(yelling from bathroom) “Honey, you have to come and see the length of this one I just did, its like… Mr Whippy!”
Hehehehehe! Steph xx
26. Honey, I understand that your man-cold is so much worse than mine. You must really be suffering, my big brave soldier.
Hi Craig, long time lurker here, love the site and books. Been living with a terminal case of man cold at home at the moment with my husband, so felt it was time to speak up!!
Cheers Kelly
Hi Craig,
I love this! Hilarious. The email went all around the office … people giggling everywhere!!
I must say though – not that I am complaining – I have noticed a difference in titles: “Blokes” and “Ladies”. I’m sure you’re just being polite to us “Ladies”. Personally, I don’t think of myself as a lady, I’m more a “Chick”. Shouldn’t it be “Gentlemen” and “Ladies” and “Blokes” and “Chicks”. Seems to be a double-standard.
Just don’t change it to “25 Things You Blokes (Probably) Won’t Hear From Your Bitch”!! Not funny.
I have but one addition (hey, I’ve only had one coffee today okay?)
- “Baby, I think it’s about time you bought another boat. After all, two just isn’t enough.”
Have a top weekend (I know I will!)
Em
( ) x
Thanks for the jokes, man.
“Of course I’m not too tired hunny, let’s do it every night this week”
Oh I was rolling on the floor with Alan’s -get a little closer to the arse of the other driver- that is so my hubby! lol
And number 10. shoulder hair cracked me up too, last year we were at a family gathering (ah hem, party aka bunch of silly people) and hubby decides he’s had enough of his back hair so waltzes across the road to woolies and buys some wax strips, back at his aunties house lies on top of some pillows on the floor and gives me permission to do the first wax.
Well I read the directions very carefully and followed them to the word, except for the one that said place along the “grain” and pull against the “grain” well I get the grain thing with wood, and to an extent when cutting up meat, but his hair is curly and ALL over the place, I figured there was no grain so rubbed the stip going straight across his back. OOOOPS…. Apparently it should have been going straight up and down so it hurt like hell and really didn’t pull much hair out. His cousins completed the job.
I can remember not so long ago I would have been able to add plenty to this list (funny or not) but I am so much more chilled now, I tend to laugh and accept more often than not because anything else is a waste of time.
I can only think of two.
- No darling, nothing would make me happier than you granting me the honour of doing all the dishes for the rest of our lives.
- Oh honey, let’s just not pay this bill, it will sort itself out, how about we go to the drag races tonight with the money instead, it’s nearly freezing, with a cold track there might be some crashes!
What a crack up, have an awesome day peoples!
CJ
Hi Craig,
That post should have come with a warning. One should not laugh with a mouth full of Special K. – almost had to perform the Heimlich Manoeuvre on myself (not good!).
There is so much that I could add after nearly thirteen years of marriage but I will restrain myself to:
26. How do you remember every single word I say? You’re like a court-reporter. It’s just freaky. Lighten-up already!
27. I love it when you fall asleep when: my family is visiting, your family is visiting, you’re meant to be spending quality time with the kids, we’re having a conversation, we’re at the movies, we’re at church, we’re in the car … It’s just like I’ve married someone with narcolepsy! It’s amazing!
Have a wonderful weekend.
Christina xxx
(Sydney)
ps. Have to agree with Em about the term ‘lady’. It reminds me of some desperate guy on RSVP who wants to meet a ‘noice laaady to treet loike a princess’ (urrgghhhh, shudder).
Great comments Guys. Very funny. Keep ‘em coming. I have a question for the group..How come no matter which angle we take (what guys or girls won’t say) the blokes seem to come out worse? (I know, I did it too in my post). It seems that it’s okay (funny even) to call a guy an insecure, fat, unnatractive, idiot but not a woman… Hmmm… Maybe it’s more socially acceptable and politically correct to make fun of the males of the species.
Not being presh here – completely happy to make fun of myself, my numerous flaws and my innept counterparts – just wondered what you all thought about this… 
Craig, Craig, Criag
Its got nothing to do with being socially acceptable or politically correct. – its a law of nature, blokes just simply (and I mean simply)supply more ammo.
Hi Craig,
Ok, you did ask …
Having given this about 5 minutes thought and based on my extensive sample of, well, one bloke, I would suggest the following:
Blokes don’t get upset about being made fun of because they JUST DON’T CARE! They think they’re ok and just fine and it’s only women who set unreasonable standards that are fine to ignore.
For example:
Most blokes think they’re fitter and more attractive than they actually are. Most women think they’re fatter and less attractive than they actually are. Therefore, women are more sensitive to criticism about their looks.
Most blokes cannot see the point in having a clean and tidy house anyway so it’s ok to criticise them for being messy because that’s just their little way of asserting their view of the priorities of life. Being messy is a symbol of their independence, that they’re not completely under the thumb and have far more important things to do.
Being completely gross (eg: picking feet, publicly clipping toenails, digging out ingrown hairs and other unsavoury acts) is, again, his way of reminding himself and those around him of his masculinity and is, therefore, nothing to be embarrassed about.
Only paying attention to the things/people that he deems as important (eg: work, sport) is, again, the man’s way of declaring his independence. He likes to avoid conflict (it wastes time) so he won’t demean the woman’s priorities (children, house, family), he just won’t give them his full attention. Pretty smart, yes?
One can see, therefore, that it is indeed more socially acceptable and politically correct to make fun of the male of the species because women have sensed that all our criticisms of men and their ‘special’ little ways are actually related to things about which they are secretly proud.
If we really wanted to hurt a bloke’s feelings, we’d tell his friends how beautifully he makes the bed every morning and praise the the gorgeous upside-down pear cake he baked last week. Get the point?
Hope this clears it up. Very interested to hear the other readers’ thoughts on this.
Christina xxx
Your a brave man!
26. I think it is so cute you give your penis a pet name. It’s so important to know the person who is runnng your life.
yes Craig, interesting how men come off worse. I notice when I’m around larger women, they put themselves down / say they’re fat etc quite openly- and we spend most of our time consoling them. But when it comes to men, they never put themselves down or talk about their weight as a problem/issue.
My husband has such a HUGE ego that he doesn’t think his fat is much of an issue. He considers his personality overrides his 130kg figure ; )
So, my interpretation is… the reason why men come off worse than women when we discuss “weight” is because we think men are ignoring it (where women constantly discuss it) ..so ridiculing men+weight is our way of giving it some attention & telling men in a roundabout way that they should get off their ego’s & acknowledge it. Sure, it’s rude and we shouldn’t make jokes about it, but tell me.. when have you ever sat next to a bloke scoffing a custard tart & 2.5 sugar latte & heard them say “oh dear, I shouldn’t be eating this. it’s going to ruin my figure”. NEVER!
They have completely different values than women & don’t place the same importance/”stress” on how they “look”, which is fair enough (they’re not brainwashed as many women are who read those horrific girly mags don’t forget) so to many they appear “careless” and therefore are open to ridicule by many. I therefore think it’s just a way of society stupidly hinting to these ‘big blokes’ to somehow let them know it’s ‘not ok’ & they need to worry/concern/talk about it (where in fact, I’m quite sure they are VERY aware of their weight problem, would you agree?)
Now now honey, no need for any foreplay. 2 minutes of missionary is all I need!!
Agree with you completely, Christina. The bit about how a bloke declares his independence was insightful.
Cheers!
Hi Craig,
I have never posted before, but today!
These were very funny! I am in the process of moving house and they have brightened up my day for sure!
Here’s one……
Darling, can you please drink more red wine tonight, I have had sooooooooo much sleep I really do need to be up all night listening to the sound of you sleeping like a baby, snoring, …. oh and don’f forget to add that little whistle at the end of each breath in there too….just when I think it is safe to relax and close my eyes!!! he he he
:)
Have a fabulous weekend everyone
Karen
Can we please have your mates over again on grand final day, I loved that they were so pissed, they spilt the beer and missed the toilet on several occasions.
Or
Who’s ya mumma?
Hey Craig !
Based on current living conditions:
26. Yes, dear, now YOU’RE retired, I’m perfectly happy for you to sit and read the newspaper all day while I take care of all the household chores myself. After all, if you helped me, you’d be depriving me of much needed exercise and we can’t possibly allow that to happen.
{{HUG}}
Tina
I’m loving Corinne’s.
My No. 26 contribution is:
you’ve worked really hard today love, stay on the couch and I’ll put the bins out.
xx
Christina, you said it all perfectly! Spot on in my opinion.
Wowza!!! Well, I did ask didn’t I? I could explore and discuss most of the above comments but I’d be here till Tuesday – so I’ll just enjoy them all… Nice insights and some hilarious stuff. Now… if only we could get another bloke to comment! Big “HI” to our comment virgins; Kelly and Karen – welcome girls
Thanks Pooja and Sue. Blokes are so easy to work out. Most women just like to think there’s more going on in there than there actually is.
One guy was quoted as saying:
‘Blokes have simple needs. If I’m not horny, make me a sandwich.’
Noice, huh?
Christina
ps Sorry, Craig. Yeah, yeah, I know, your site. I’m going now …
Do you want to warm your feet on me tonight?
Wow, guys .. you have all kept me entertained all day! Well, the few times I’ve had a minute to slip in and check out the action, anyway.
Christina – you nailed it, my dear. Spot on in your analysis. Although I will add my two-bob’s worth (just for something different!). We CAN rib women as much as we rib men .. just not about the same things. Things like the totally unjustified pairs of shoes we have to have, the addition to shopping, the neurotic over-thinking tendencies, the nit-picking, anal-retentive, clean-freak tendencies, the memory-like-an-elephant weapon and loads of other stuff. We (generally) laugh at men for their self-absorbed, egocentric neanderthal tendencies .. because most of them are spot on! Whereas all those things about women? .. All myths……
OK, my additions to the humour:
26. Can we PLEASE have a 3-way with my hot friend? I’ll owe you big-time!!
27. Wanna hear me burp the alphabet??
28. Your hair looks so sexy when you haven’t washed it for a week.
29. Fully sic, maaaate.
30. Foreplay? Totally overrated.
31. It’s so cute when you wake me up by dutch-oven-ing me!
32. ‘Course I don’t mind you ogling that young chick with the fake rack and short skirt! I understand that you’re driven by “nature” and that I’m very lucky you choose to be with me…….
Er, I have to stop. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth. Ugh. If men really had the power to choose, I wonder what their perfect woman WOULD be like??? Or our perfect man, for that matter!
Suz (Sydney)
so loved all 25 comments! Made me laugh after finding out my son has lost his licence for 6 months!
I do have one to add though:
Just slow down love and try doing one thing at a time!
Couldn’t let you down mate, so here is one from a bloke.
Only half a dozen, No buy a slab.
Alan, you cracked me up. Laugh-out-loud funny.
My offerings:
Hon, it’s great that you keep your clothes in a heap on the floor – it frees up space in the wardrobe for me!
How about we go to Bunnings and look at power tools? I think it’s about time you upgraded the angle grinder.
Twenty bucks for an air-freighted car magazine? Sure! Is that the one with the Bugatti Veyron feature? Can I read it after you’re done? Better still, can you read it out loud to me? Now THAT would be romantic!
oh well!! I give up even trying to go with all of that!! as a single woman I think .. thank goodness I dont have to put up with all of that…
however…. as someone who experiences aloneness… I think … I could so put up with a lot of that!!!
suz…. you are an amazing woman…. stay true to yourself!!!
at this time in my life…
1stly it would be… sure ‘dear’… I will put the toilet seat down for you…
or gee… I will be more careful where I shake my drips… so you dont need to wash the floor after I have been in the toilet!!
a little insight… after being single for a year or two… I dislike immensely (cant use the work hate) splashes on the floor … from a bad shake!
warning to all prospective, would be partners in ANY relationship…
no matter where your drips fall… always wipe them up!!
ok… that is my soapbox done…
craig… I think suz deserves the book!!
Don’t worry about it darling, I often mistake capsicum for pumpkin, they both have p’s in them.
Craig, you’ve got us all going.
Honey, you are so sexy first thing in da mornin, scatching your arse with a morning mongrel, a cockatoo crest hairdo, and sweet smelling breath of bourbon from the night before; it’s such a turn on!
That’s naughty!
I Liked Suza’s comment…..at the end when she said I wonder what the answer would be if men were asked what their version of a perfect woman.
You should really do a post on that and see what comes out of it.
Sheila
Oh Suz & Christina !!
You must both be in cahoots with Craig to generate more business at RYL.
I was going fine and now….(sob!)….I just can’t…. you were so (sniff!) mean to we males…..we’re just, well, you know misunderstood creatures (sob!). WAAAAAHHHHH !!!!!!
Please Craig, please …bring forward RYL to next weekend, I can make THAT one…I’m damaged goods again.
In the words of Kamahl …(incredibly deep voice) “Why are people SO unkind!”
You wait until RYL 3 you 2
Very funny girls
Alan
PS…That’s not THE Kylie is it ???
Thanks, Jane! Is that Jane H-H? If so, I think a couple of us single girls had a bit to drink last night, eh? .. he he .. Hope you’re going to RYL II!
(And I totally agree … the drips? .. HORRIBLE!)
Bella … oh, you made me laugh! Haven’t experienced that beautiful male phenomenon for quite a while, but can still remember it. Naughty, yes .. but oh, so funny!
Sheila .. that could be a dangerous topic … although, probably no more so than this one. But would we go overboard and choose “perfection”? I’d like to think .. not. Where’s the fun in that, eh??
Alan .. bring it on, sunshine. We can take you … poor, abused, hard-done-by male that you are. Truth hurts, eh?? Ahhh, suck it up, princess!
Yes it is also my dream to have a 3-way with another woman, how about Megan Fox?
I really do love it when you insult me, you really are my dream guy who treats me so well. I know you can always do a better job than me!
Yes my feet are shorter to get closer to the sink, so I can do all those dishes you didnt make.
Honey who needs hugs and kisses when we have sex, beer and footy?
Yes honey, I was born to serve you!
I would also rather that we ignore it instead of talking about it.
My contributions…
Also, I agree Craig, I feel we are delving into pretty shallow territory sometimes but isnt that a two way street? Women seem to be so harsh on themselves due to a perception that its what men want…but we’re probably only basing this on a minority of guys? (I wish…)
Craig – these are a riot… I think I have to share them with the husband…
Here are a couple more…
Hi Honey, no I didn’t pick out a kitten at the animal shelter. A bunch of them were really cute, but I was so worried that they’d leave cat hair on the chair in your man cave.
Thank you so much for doing the family shopping today. You picked out all the right things!
New addition,
She’ll be right babe, it’ll fix itself.
Strangely i would actually say most of these things, bar wanting to comb the shoulder hair!!!!… and yes i am a woman!!!
Hi Craig,
That was amusing. No. 21 in particular worked my facial muscles (almost unhinged my jaw laughing).
A few more suggestions:
1. Wow! That was a loud, juicy one. Now try to burp out “I love you, woman” in one go.
2. Let me tuck you in, Honey, and read you some “Dear Penthouse” letters to help you fall asleep.
3. Welcome home, dear, but I’m afraid you’ll have to head back out. Your secretary just called, she needs you to fix something around her house. Don’t worry, though: I’ll make it up to you with a lovely dinner when you get back.
4. Don’t mind me.
But, but, but…I really do want a new leaf blower!!! And I could use some muscle on my legs and butt.
I doubt I would have said it to my husband, though.
Sherri