25 Things You Blokes (Probably) Won’t Hear From Your Lady

No Philosophy Today

If you came here today in search of some potentially life-defining philosophy, some mind-altering insight or perhaps some state-changing motivation, you’ll be disappointed. You may wanna come back tomorrow. No, today is for those of us who like to laugh at ourselves without finding reason to get all offended and precious – which seems to be very popular these days. Anyway… a few months back we explored a bit of fun and silly-ness, as we do on occasion here at me-dot-com, with an amusing little article article called “Twenty Three Things You Ladies (Probably) Won’t Hear From Your Bloke”. Well, it seems that I’m not the only one who likes to laugh at myself or take the piss out of my own gender. I have had numerous requests (mainly from women) to explore the female version of the concept. So I thought I’d open the door on the discussion and let you all finish it with your hilarious, clever and insightful (I hope) comments.

Okay, here we go blokes…… words you will never hear from your lady.

1. Hey Champ, pull my finger.

2. You’re right Sweetie; it is handy having your mother around to point out my faults and mistakes. Do you think if I ask nicely, she might move in with us?

3. Honey, I really think you should cut back on those vegies and eat a little more meat.

4. Of course I want you to go on a two-week hunting trip with the boys. Good for you, you really deserve a break. That’ll give me some quality time with our nine kids.

5. No Sweetie, I really do love your big fat, white, hairy stomach. Can I touch it again?

6. Sure I’ll clean your ears… let me just grab my wax tray and my hot water syringe.

7. No, I don’t find Brad Pitt attractive at all. He’s a little effeminate for my liking. I like the fuller-figured, alpha-male warrior type; like you.

8. I love your farts; they’re so funny. Do another one.

9. Of course size doesn’t matter Honey. Have we started yet?

10. You’re right; your shoulder hair is totally sexy. Can I comb it?

11. Honey, can we please get some twenty inch wheels on the Ford? And perhaps a turbo and some darker window tint?

12. I know you wanted to paint the spare room this weekend but can we pleeeease go to football instead?

13. Wow, our new neighbour really does have a great body doesn’t she? She seems so nice and I love that teeny weeny skirt she’s wearing. You should go over and introduce yourself.

14. You’re right; that TV simply isn’t big enough. More beer Honey?

15. I know you wanted to take me dress shopping to thank me for building the fifth bedroom, but honestly Sweetie, I already have too many dresses. And what’s a girl gonna do with more than four anyway?

16. I really think we need to eat more pizza.

17. Honey… I’m off to the gym to do some heavy squats; I really need some more size on my legs and butt.

18. Wow, you really are the strongest man in the world.

19. Honey, instead of watching that stupid “Grays Anatomy”, do you mind if we watch “Blood Sport” again?

20. Hey, your feet really are attractive.

21. (Walking out of the bathroom) Wow, that was some dump. I nearly dislocated my pelvis.

22. You are so much funnier that Adam Sandler.

23. Bathroom scales? What are they?

24. Have you seen Jim’s new leaf blower… I so want one of those.

25. I really like my body just the way it is.

Okay, for the two most amusing additions to our silly list I will send a copy of Fattitude (anywhere in the world). The philosopher and educator will be back on Monday. Probably. Enjoy your weekend Groovers.

Ciao x