Hi Guys. No major personal-development food from me today; just some food-for-thought. If you came in search of a quick motivational hit you might want to come back tomorrow. Today, I was asked for the eight millionth time (or there abouts) why I’m not married. In a rare moment of clarity and genius, it dawned on me that if I were to write an article about it, I could point all future inquisitors towards the relevant section of this site and save myself some serious explaining time 
.
Am Not, You Are
Clearly, if anyone should write an article on marriage, it’s me.
Yep, if there’s one person on the planet worth listening to (okay, reading) when it comes to this topic, it’s gotta be Mr Never-Been-Married-Commitment-Phobic-Am-Not-You-Are-Maybe-He’s-Gay-What-Do-You-Think…. Harper.
So, why on earth (you may wonder) would I even go here? There. Wherever.
Good question. I’m not really sure myself.
The Weekly Interrogation
Perhaps because for the last twenty years of my life I’ve been asked at least once a week why I’m not married. These days I even get (concerned) emails about it. And the occasional proposal. Over the last few years I’ve also watched (many of) my friends’ marriages crumble around me and witnessed the pain, chaos and fear that is, so often, the result.
On a brighter note (thankfully), there’s my best buddy Vin who has been happily married to the lovely Tania for a hundred years. Or so. I was their best man so I’m pretty sure I’m responsible for the success of that union.
The Theory Vs The Reality
Yep, the theory of marriage is a no-brainer (fall in love, get married, buy a Golden Retriever, have kids, live happily ever) but we all know that the theory and the reality don’t always align.
Of course there have been numerous theories regarding my singleness, including (but not limited to):
- I’m gay but in denial
- I’m commitment phobic
- I’m selfish
- I haven’t met Mrs Right (or should it be Miss?)
- I have too many issues
- I’m asexual – kind of like a plant.
- I have a teeny weeny peeny
- All of the above
Circumnavigating marriage for all these years hasn’t been easy. I almost went there once and I can assure you that my ex-fiancé dodged a bullet by not becoming Mrs Harper. Even I struggle to live with me and I am me.
Like most people, I went through a phase where I kind-of-expected that I’d get married sooner or later because that’s what we humans do. It’s the rule: (1) get educated (2) get a job and (3) get married. If you didn’t follow the three-step plan, there was (perceived to be) something wrong with you. Still is – in some circles. Especially if you happen to be a girl. Girls definitely do it harder than blokes when it comes to the whole matrimony deal.
And then there was my gorgeous mother (the desperate wanna-be grandmother) cheering loudly in the background at any hint of marriage. So it was difficult not to think about it.
The Marriage Ninja: Master of Evasion
In all honesty, it wasn’t that I ever intentionally avoided marriage; it’s just that it wasn’t high on my to-do list. If it happened, it happened. If not, no biggie. On some level, I guess I expected that perhaps one day I’d wake up and be all goofy with the marriage bug.
Whenever I start seeing a new girl (it’s happened a few times), I never size her up as a potential wife. It doesn’t occur to me. I simply don’t think like that. Sure, I wonder whether or not she likes motorbikes, working out and philosophy but I don’t really find myself daydreaming about what our kids might look like.
Maybe I am weird?
Now, before anyone misinterprets what I’m saying here, let me be clear:
I’m not anti-marriage. At all. I think that for many people, it works incredibly well. For some, not so well. My parents have been married for forty-seven years and have been great role models for me. Sure, they hate each other these days – but at least they’re married. And that’s all that matters.
Kidding.
If I was to (somehow) discover that in five years from now I will be happily married, I wouldn’t be (totally) surprised. Neither would I be surprised to learn that I’ll remain unmarried forever. After all, my goal is neither marriage nor single-ness: it’s happiness. If that turns out to be happily married or happily single, that’s okay.
I’m not sure that having marriage as a goal is an altogether healthy mindset. I think that in the pursuit of the ‘goal’, we might compromise a few hundred things.
The Arm-Twisters
What annoys me (not just with this topic but any emotive issue) is when people feel compelled to convince, coerce and control other people regarding their personal beliefs, decisions and behaviours. I respect the fact that you might believe marriage should be a forever-no-matter-what thing. I respect your position and, at the same time, I disagree with you. And that’s okay. You don’t need to change my mind and I don’t need to change yours. You choose your rules, values, beliefs, standards and reality and I’ll choose mine. Okay?
Thanks.
One of the challenges with exploring and discussing topics such as this is that most people come into the conversation with strong, pre-existing, non-negotiable and deeply-ingrained ideas. As such, the likelihood of having a genuinely open-minded and potentially-transformational discussion on the matter, is almost zero.
If we were to take emotion out of the picture (good luck with that) and look at marriage from a statistical, logical and purely analytical perspective, we might all wonder why anyone would ever consider it. If marriage was a car, it would be a very difficult product to sell when we consider how often it breaks down. Having said that, we can also find countless examples of people who have found true joy, love, happiness and security when they found their spouse. Like my folks.
Until Dad shagged the neighbour.
Stop it.
Sorry, didn’t mean it.
Now, I know you have an opinion on this stuff, so here are my questions:
*Please keep it civil and intelligent and Johnnie will send some cool stuff to the commentors who float my boat…
1. Should marriage be a forever thing?
2. Are we ‘built’ for long-term relationships, are we more suited to a series of shorter-term relationships, or, is it different for different people?
3. Should people stay in love-less, joy-less marriages if that’s what their religion demands? A miserable time on earth in exchange for a joyous eternity perhaps?
4. Is it healthy or unhealthy to have marriage as a ‘goal’?
5. If you could teach me one thing you’ve learned about marriage, what would it be?
6. Other thoughts, ideas, advice?
See you at the Altar. 
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Your approach to this subject makes me smile. To quote you ” strong, pre-existing, non-negotiable and deeply-ingrained ideas” … always a recipe for annoying behaviour! Live and let live. Evangalists always make me run for the hills.
Like you, i’ve been single my entire life. Never married, no kids. I’m used to it and I love it.
I’ve just read this. I laughed out loud. Very true!
Fantastic post! I’m a single 32 year old female with no desire for marriage!
My answers?
1. Marriage is forever – a commitment made to one another before God. I think the big problem with today’s marriages is that it’s taken on too lightly. If, prior to marriage we all told ourselves, and meant it: ” I will never leave this person” and “I will be responsible for this person’s well being forever” would we take the plunge?
2. Some have the ability to be happily single, some don’t. (See 1 Cor 7:1-40)
3. I bet that all marriages have times when they are love-less and joy-less, and others when they are totally exhilerating, and other times when they are just comfortable. Even a single person can have those times. Does that mean its time to call it quits? Nah – just try harder. (unless abuse is present, then make a stand or get OUT)
4. To have it as a “goal” might be pretty disappointing – unless the target of the “goal” has the same “goal” !! Maybe a wish would be easier..
5. One thing I have learned – you are only responsible for your own actions and reactions, not your spouses. If I can say to myself “have I done the right thing before God here?” – I can leave it up to God to take care of the outcome.
6. Treasure the time you have together as if each day is your last, because one day it will be. Best book we have ever read – “Trusting God – even if life hurts” by Jerry Bridges.
Thanks for being at the funeral Craig.
@Joh – I hope you don’t find my responses too “annoying”
Jenny
Hello Craig. Really liked this post! I am sick of people trying to pigeonhole me.
i was married but now i’m not. i was brought up to believe marriage is forever but i have since learnt that obviously it is not. marraige is one of the hardest things you could ever do. to live with someone from this day forward… but when it works the rewards outweight the bad stuff. but it is equally important to know that when it is not working you deserve happiness and this is the only life you get. i dont regret my decision to get married and i dont regret my decision to split up. it has made me in part who i am today. i am really lucky to still be great friends with my ex. which was one of the best things i got out of being married. my other lessons in life would be to never say never, and you attract what you fear for the learning. would i get married again…not in a hurry but like i say never say never
.
It’s great that there are lots of people out there who are single and happy. The whole idea of marriage does not appeal to me.
Excellent, works for you.
Advice to this considering marriage, from one who has regrets: spend the time to deeply understand your core values (not what someone thinks your core values should be, but what your core values actually are). Ethical, moral, attitudinal, economic, political, etc.. If your partner does not share the values you hold most dear, then get out while the gettin’s good. People may change their behavior, but they rarely change their value system.
Good luck to you all.
i love this! i got ‘this’ so wrong in both my 2 failed marriages!
Typo. I meant “Advice to those considering marriage…”.
@ Bob – well said!
Interesting post Craig. BTW days are changing and chicks certainly aren’t all about marriage and kids
My views on your questions:
1) SHOULD MARRIAGE BE A ‘FOREVER’ THING?
I can’t speak for every religion in the world but for what I know I think both parties need to go into the marriage feeling totally comfortable with each other, hopefully feel they really know and trust each other, obviously feel luv/passion, and a mutual feeling and view of confidence that marriage will be a lifelong commitment. The aim for marriage over a long term relationship is a ‘forever commitment’ in my view.
2) ARE WE BUILT FOR LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS, OR MORE SUITED TO A SERIES OF SHORTER TERM RELATIONSHIPS OR IS IT DIFFERENT FOR DIFFERENT PEOPLE?
I’d say one size doesn’t fit all! Some prefer lots of shorter term relationships, maybe different jobs, different homes, not feeling ‘tied down’. Others like long term relationships for the lifelong times and more secure feel, long term companionship they may offer. And someone’s suitability of either a long or short term relationship can change over the course of their life once………or a few times.
3) SHOULD PEOPLE STAY IN LOVELESS, JOYLESS RELATIONSHIPS FOR THEIR RELIGIOUS DEMANDS? MISERABLE TIME ON EARTH FOR BETTER ETERNITY?
I am not comfortable on commenting on other’s religious demands. I’d guess a miserable relationship could be better than being beaten up or something worse because of other religions.
Also I realise things may not go as planned, who you thought you trusted may have betrayed you big time and there are many valid reasons to end marriages……………….none less than your own happiness. I guess if things turn a bit sour………………if you thought there was any chance the relationship could be salvaged counselling etc could be tried. But if you know you have no interest in it and feel that and feel it’s totally over………………………you need to plan to move on then do it.
4) IS IT HEALTHY OR UNHEALTHY TO HAVE MARRIAGE AS A GOAL?
I reckon less than healthy. When I was single I never even made goals about being in a relationship by a date or anything. While I have made more structured goals about careers, fitness, saving money learning new skills I’ve always ‘gone with the flow’ about relationships with never any ‘major’ goals.
5) IF YOU COULD TEACH ME ONE THING YOU’VE LEARNT ABOUT MARRIAGE WHAT WOULD IT BE?
You can definitely have lots of fun and freedom without it or the worry of if! It is not thought of as a necessity to have a full or complete life anymore. I haven’t experienced but have witnessed people who’ve suffered dire consequences as the result of a marriage breakdown. It is a risk……………………..ideally will work out great but marriage is a lifetime commitment. If unhappiness, distrust or whatever come around suddenly one has some decisions to ponder!
6) THOUGHTS, IDEAS, ADVICE:
Don’t make committed ‘plans’ for the future of your relationship till married or the mutual decision to get married has been made. Go with the flow. Face your desires/challenges as they come in that field as it takes two to make mutual ‘coupledrom’ goals, not just one.
Also everyone is so totally different. A few years ago when I went of a few ‘first dates’ each person was so different from the previous so don’t stereotype. Go with what feels comfortable, sensible, fun and enjoyable at the time in regard to if there is a second or third date.
I loved this post. I’m divorced, I’m 41 with two kids and have been single for over 8 years. Dating hmmm…
So are you currently seeing someone?
I think it’s generally annoying when people expect everybody to follow the play book on life. I’m happily married but don’t assume everyone else wants to be married. Or, if they are married, you can’t assume a couple wants children.
I think this also spills over into parenting – parents who have expectations of their children. It really boils down to respecting people as individuals and letting them choose their own path.
If you do get married someday, you’ll be a great spouse I bet because it’s not something you feel like you have to do but something you want to do.
Hey amigo — nice post, but FYI, most plants aren’t strictly asexual.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plant_reproduction#Sexual_reproduction
Excellent column! I witnessed my parent’s 20 year marriage end in a painful divorce and as a result, decided to wait until I met someone I could be reasonably certain (I know, no guarantees) I could stay married to. We would need to have similar interests, similar life goals, enjoy each other’s company, etc and so on. As a result of this decision I didn’t get married until I was in my early 30′s. The pressure to conform was intense! But I was determined not to get married just to be divorced on down the road.
We’ve had our up’s and down’s of course, but I’m very glad I waited til I met my husband! So my advice for any single person is to wait until your meet your kindred spirit to marry and to have fun with your life regardless. I decided long ago I would rather be single, happy, and doing my own thing than married to the wrong person and miserable.
I was married for 20 years, now have been single for 5 years. I admit that I was way too young to get married (18 at the time), but we had a good life and a good family. Like some of the others, my ex and I are on very friendly terms. He is remarried with another family of his own. I found that I like my time alone. I’m not one to always need someone around and he is very much into always needing someone around him. I have found that I really like myself since I’ve found the time to live with myself! I also haven’t found someone that I want to wake up to every morning for the rest of my life. When I do, then things may change.
This is a wonderful article that i will be passing on. I am a 42 yo Black woman living in Chicago and I always identify myself as happily single because there is such a stigma to being single. Like you’re less than something. I’m not opposed to being married, I just don’t see it as a goal. If it happens, great. If not, great.
I think the only thing more debatable than the single/married argument is the parent/childfree one. Especially for women. I’ve known since I was 13 that I didn’t want to be a mother and you should hear the comments I get.
But I guess that’s a post for another time.
Thanks again for this great article, and all the other great articles.
The problem with marriage is that, over time, as people experience life,they grow (hopefully). If your partner doesn’t grow at the same rate or in the same direction, you drift apart, and find yourself living with a stranger.
Great post Craig.
5. With one failed, and one happy (current) marriage one thing I could offer would be this: It’s not all about me! Shocking, I know. Sounds pretty simple but applying it in the form of regular compromises, apologies, forgiveness, gratitude and kindness is nothing like simple. It takes work.
6. “Kate’s 70% Rule”. Mr/Mrs Perfect exists only in your head. If you get 70% of what you are looking for in a mate, you’re doing really well. The trick is to know yourself well enough to figure out what’s in that 30% you’ll compromise on.
Dear Craig -
Loved this one.
Do you think you are the only one?
I was a young widow (OK a while back) and tormented by people that I had to get married again.
I wrote a book about it. This poem is the prologue. Says it all.
At the risk of being banned from your site, I am including a link in this comment.
http://www.personal-growth-with-corinne-edwards.com/are-you-seeing-someone-yet-a-poem-for-widows/
You neglected one thing. Big advantage.
No one says, “You are buying another motor bike???? You have one”
I have been following your articles for a while and they always make me stop and think, though admittedly I still have to work on the “act on it” part. So now I decided to step out of the shadows an leave a little reply. Being a Catholic theologian “the marriage is forever” doctrine is something I get questioned about regularly. So here are just some thoughts, as I have not not come to any all conclusive answer and frankly I don’t thinl there is one: Regarding question 1, 2 and 3:
I personally don’t think that marriages have to be forever. If a marriage becomes poisonous to one or both partners life presevation, physically, mentally , emotionally and spiritually, is an imperative, even more so when there are kids. Also I don’t think that marriage is a must for everybody. I grew up in a wide circle of a family clan with quite a number of unmarried great-aunts who were perfectly happy with their life and probably, because of their fierce independence, the most impressive and also most scary women I have ever met.
Another thing to be considered is that marriage was once a way to provide social security and not so long ago, like 19th century, the average marriage in the Western world lasted about 7 years and in many developing countries it still does. So forever was most of the time a rather short time span. Nowadays forever might well mean 40-60 years. This changes the scope of a marriage significantly. Societal and religious concepts of marriage mostly don’t reflect the world we live in. Women are no longer dependent on man. Marriage is nowadays not only about procreation but also about the realisation of the potential of each partner. Given all the religious and societal images and concepts with which many people go into a marriage, consciously or subconsciously, problems will arise for many from the gap between these images and the reality of married life today. Perhaps it is time to rethink what marriage means under these altered circumstances. I have the feeling that the Catholic Church in my country fails at this point. You have marriage preparation classes, but little support on how to make it work. One author I deeply appreciated on this issue is an Irish theologian who wrote about the seasons of a relationship, of life and death cycles. So if a Church proclaims that marriage is forever, they also should provide the necessary and vital support structures to live through such cycles.
A last point, it is easy today to get married and divorced. To a small percentage of people divorce is the easy way out. I think a lot of what you wrote in your articles also applies here, that some people like the theory, or perhaps in this case the hollywood, societal, religious images of marriage, but are hit hard when coming face to face with the rocky patches which are part of reality. I don’t say that these people don’t take marriage seriously. But to love another person is as much an adjective as a verb.
In conclusion, being an academic, I think it would be time to see and to gather why people made it through 40 years of marriage and more and why others failed – in terms of the failed marriages looking beyond the typical reasons as infidelity, abuse, etc. – and from there to see how marriage can be redefined and support structures be created.
I hope this mix of thoughts has not been too long.
I was one of those great-catch-doomed-to-be-forever-single guys, convinced that it was just my life’s path not to have a beautiful bride. Then I met my beautiful bride, and we’ve been ecstatically married for ten+ years.
When we met it was by accident. Not a real accident, just happenstance. There was no flash of OHMYGODITSTHEONE, no chorus of hosannahs, nothing — just a guy and girl talking. But our chat had one difference that I noticed right away: there was no uncomfortable feeling, no getting-to-know-you questions. We just picked up talking as if we’d known each other forever. Maybe in another life we had, who knows.
So don’t give up hope on the wife and golden retriever (hopefully they’re not the same individual). Trust me, or at least trust my female friends’ opinions: the guy is always the last to know when the relationship is the Real Thing.
On to your Q’s.
1. Should marriage be a forever thing?
The state and church have fought for centuries over who has supremacy in marriage: is it a religious institution, with real-world implications, or is the social contract superior, with the religious side a nice-to-have? In Western society, marriage is a social contract between two people with legal ramifications. Contracts are not forever. Contracts can also be rescinded. In some cases (such as my parents), this is a very, very good thing.
2. Are we ‘built’ for long-term relationships, are we more suited to a series of shorter-term relationships, or, is it different for different people?
Different strokes for different folks. Both nature and nurture play a role; ultimately it’s how the person acts towards relationship that matters. Some are content have a stable of babes/himbos on call, while others settle into monogamy as if they invented it. The best thing is be aware of what fits your personality.
3. Should people stay in love-less, joy-less marriages if that’s what their religion demands? A miserable time on earth in exchange for a joyous eternity perhaps?
Hell to the No. Contempt for a partner is one of the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” that indicates the relationship has failed or is failing. God wants us to be happy, joyous, and free, not depressed, suicidal, and enslaved. Get out of bad situations pronto.
4. Is it healthy or unhealthy to have marriage as a ‘goal’?
Unhealthy. The joy of having a best friend, lover, and life partner has to grow on its own. It can’t be forced into being by ritual or ceremony. If you’re not content with who you are before marriage, you won’t magically be content after it.
5. If you could teach me one thing you’ve learned about marriage, what would it be?
Marry your best friend! My bride and I have the best freakin’ time together because we share many interests, have similar outlooks on life, and love just hanging out talking about nothing. It keeps us young and makes the tough times bearable.
6. Other thoughts, ideas, advice?
Say “I love you” every day. Do small things for your partner every day. Laugh a lot. Talk about the heavy stuff like money, family, and health, don’t hold it in. Never go to bed angry; reconcile before you turn in.
Two is the most unstable number, according to physics, …I think. This applies to marraige. When two people attempt to “merge”, friction inevitably follows. To ease the tension a third person is “recruited” into the marraige: This might be a child, a parent, a friend, etc. Or it may be a thing, a substance, an occupation. What we have then is an emotional triange, which is more stable, but more often than not it’s also dysfunctional. (Note: Emotional triangles can be functional, but often they’re formed for the wrong reasons).
For two to survive a marraige, both need to be committed to doing an awful lot of hard, confronting work. Most people of are too immature, hedonistic, narcissistic and lazy to survive a marraige.
Harsh, maybe. True, yes.
Sometimes being single is the more responsible and mature option.
Ill put my hand up and say Ive been happily married for 8 years now, but with my partner for 15 years of my 34 year life. Ours certainly wasnt a religious ceremony , more of a way of celebrating our commitment to each other in the company of family and friends.
I am as happy now as I was before I met my husband. He was my best mate who grew into something more.
I was never really bothered by singledom, I actually enjoyed the time to myself!
Each to their own I say.
I just wish this country would be more flexible on allowing same-sex couples to celebrate commitments to each other in the same manner. Why are those relationships not seen as ‘as valid’ in our laws?
Well, this is my 8th anniversary… Happy years, difficult years… but when I imagine what my life would be like without my wife, I realize that I would be far less responsible than I am now.
So, to the questions:
1. Should marriage be a forever thing?
No. It should be a deep commitment, something that both people work hard, daily, to maintain… but if the relationship is harmful for whatever reason (abuse is obvious, as is dishonesty), then the relationship should end.
2. Are we ‘built’ for long-term relationships, are we more suited to a series of shorter-term relationships, or, is it different for different people?
Different for different people.
3. Should people stay in love-less, joy-less marriages if that’s what their religion demands? A miserable time on earth in exchange for a joyous eternity perhaps?
My personal belief is that a religion which demands a person stay unhappy, be abused, etc., is not a good religion.
4. Is it healthy or unhealthy to have marriage as a ‘goal’?
Probably unhealthy. It’s not a reward to look forward to, it’s a challenge in itself, and any happiness is the result of meeting those challenges with the right attitude.
5. If you could teach me one thing you’ve learned about marriage, what would it be?
COMMUNICATE! Have open, honest discussions… cry a little (for an alpha-geek, this is hard for me), laugh a little, apologize a lot, fix problems, and realize that most of the time, just being an open ear to be talked at is one of the best ways to fix problems.
6. Other thoughts, ideas, advice?
Marriage is personal, between the people who are married. It is individual and unique, and sometimes it isn’t good for either person involved. In my marriage, I made a personal commitment to make it last forever (well, for as long as my consciousness is intact), yet I know that it is possible for my wife to leave me… and that has been a driving motivator in the past, during my worst hours… If not for that fact, both my wife and I would probably still be in hour darkest hours. And while the threat of leaving is a good scare tactic, knowing that now, my wife chooses, of her own free will, to stay with me because she finds joy with me, and not because of some illusionary sense of duty nor threat of some possible afterlife, also gives me joy.
Then again, that’s my personal relationship with my wife, and I make no claims to know what would or could work in other people’s relationships. Just because my relationship gives me joy and peace when it isn’t guaranteed “forever” doesn’t mean that others wouldn’t find my situation uncomfortably stressful. For a lot of people, the very thought that their spouse could choose to go their separate ways frightens them to their very core.
I am single and 36 years old. I’m an athiest and don’t believe in marriage because I see it as a religious tradition.
I too am a believer in happiness – not ‘OMG – you just bought me a pair of Christian Louboutin’s!’ happiness but a feeling of happiness that stems from living a life where I am true to myself and my core values and I enjoy my time and the company of people who I truly consider to be friends. I’ve only just found this in the last twelve months after a fairly arduous and taxing personal journey that was kind of forced upon me – but was an absolute blessing in disguise.
I have changed so much in my 36 years and who I was at 18, was different by 25, different again by 30 and as I stand today I really don’t have much in common with that girl I was all those years ago – other than my big feet – so if you are shouting me a pair of Christian Louboutins – they’re gunna need to be big-uns! So the ‘forever’ option is something I don’t have an answer to????
I nearly got married many years ago (pulled the pin with a month and a half to go) – just a note for any future brides out there (and perhaps grooms?) – if you’re ‘union’ is making your hair fall out, skin break out, sleep is unheard of and ‘that time of the month’ hasn’t turned up in almost a year – you are distressed and something needs to be either attended to or changed. It took me some time to see that my pending marriage was a disaster waiting to happen – and the reason why was me – I just stayed with whoever picked me because I didn’t value myself. And this was diametrically opposed to every part of who I actually was – but I had no clue about that at the time.
I realise this isn’t everyone’s path to marriage – I know of a few shining examples who seem to have it pretty much sorted (but to be honest, not that many). But I have trouble believing that every married person is in a respectful, supportive balanced relationship – and until I find that I’ve crossed paths with someone where all of that seems possible – my life as it is right now is pretty damn sweet
And the remote is all mine, my big bed is all mine & my water usage quota is all mine too ….. for those four minute shows I’m taking of course !!!
So refreshing to hear such honesty.
[...] Why I’m Not Married [...]
Well done, but I reckon it won’t stop the question…
Ps for me, I prayed about it, my folks prayed about it and I married my best friend
Sure there are compromises etc but its a ride I’m enjoying every day and the kids are a blessing. CYA soon.
Sent via BlackBerry® from Telstra
Once a person gets past a certain age, marriage isn’t such an attractive option. You’re used to doing things your own way and not being answerable to anyone. That is really hard to give up. Marriage is about compromise, and that’s often unbalanced (and can make you unbalanced!). Men are less used to giving up or giving in, or working at it.
For all of you who are happily single, yaayyy for you! I’m working on my marriage but there are days when the good bits don’t outweigh the pain-in-the-butt bits. As for having kids, Toni, you stick to your guns. I wasn’t cut out for it either, and should have listened to my gut feeling.
Thanks for the article, Craig. I have people asking me that all the time, but I get “Why hasn’t a girl like YOU been snapped up yet?”. What I take from that is that I haven’t had a choice in the matter, according to the people who ask that (ridiculous!) question. I find it pretty annoying that people think that I’m only single because some dashing knight on a white steed hasn’t come along and swept me off my feet.
It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with the fact that I have a say in deciding who I do or don’t spend my time with, could it?
To be honest, I love being single, although yeah, it would be nice to find someone special to cuddle up to with a bottle of wine and a DVD. But I have a bigger power tool collection than ANY guy I know, fitted my own kitchen, plastered walls, sanded floors, laid a new wooden floor, fitted my bathroom, fitted a new ceiling, and a whole load of other stuff, and I think it would take a pretty strong guy to be with me, and I’ve pretty much figured out he doesn’t exist.
But being single just shouldn’t be aproblem for anyone these days; you have all the freedom to do what you want, when you want to. And you don’t have to say no when a gorgeous guy does ask you out for a drink.
What’s not to like about that?
Wow. Double wow – what great comments, incredibly honesty and interesting stories. I just sat here and read every comment (to this point) and I want to thank you guys for revealing so much of yourselves. I would love to reply personally to each of you but I’d be here for hours. Know that I read and appreciate every one of them. A big warm hello to our Newbies – thanks for stopping by.
A few quick messages:
Corinne – no prob – you rock
x
Nicholas – Who knew! That’s why I’m not a plant guy
Adam – happy anniversary
Randriel – awesome. Thanks.
Pip – good work.
Jenny – you’re welcome
Mike – nice
Allyson – love your honesty
Craig, it’s my first time on your website and I expected to find great motivational reading and education. Unfortunately the first thing I stumble on is this questionable article. To be honest, you sound like an arrogant pig that is so focused on himself. None of your questions on marriage are worth answering as they are all relative and I’m sure you would brush away any comments that differed to your opinion. I’ll keep coming back to your website in the hope of finding some smarter reading about your true love, health and fitness.
ok, so after lurking for ages it is time to actually comment.
What happens between my partner and I is what is important and neither of us feel that there is any need to have a piece of paper that tells us how we feel about each other, or the need to make any promises we cannot guarantee that we will keep, or the need to spend any money on telling everyone else. The main thing is that we are happy with the way we are and we have a great relationship built on respect and deep bonds and we are the absolute best of friends.
I think that society in general should all be a little more tolerant and understanding of those who make choices that fall outside of traditional thinking and expectations. afterall, we are all in control of our own lives and we do have the choice to live our life in the manner that rings true for us all, whether it is being married, “living in sin” or being “single” and we shouldn’t be forced into doing something we are not truely accepting of just because other people have differing expectations for us. We also shouldn’t be judged as any less of a human being because we choose to not be married. I may not fully understand the reasons why people crave marriage but if it works for them and makes them happy, it can only be a good thing. People come into our lives and then go from our lives, and whether the relationship was good or not so good, we can always learn something from the experience that will help us grow and we should try and take something positive from it. My comment is really just to be happy with the person you are, whether you are comfortable with marriage or not. It is an individaul choice and regardless of our choices at present, we can all change our minds if circumstances etc change in the future. Just be true to ourselves and happy.
Thanks Craig, had me laughing out loud, you are truly one of the funniest people I kind of know
My thoughts on marrige equate to a mental state of happiness. If I find the perfect lad, marry him and have some children I will fit in, with my current neighbours, friends, community, world. It’s a strong belief for me to hold and one I grapple with consistently when my reality is I am shacked up with a woman, and have been for the last 7 years. I see your wedding photo on your post and I smile a mile wide, because my mind equates this with happiness, those two people look so happy and perfect. Is it what I want? I want happiness… is it possible to have happiness in a relationship outside this, yes! I am happy in my current relationship, which leads me to my hearts equation of happiness? Being challenged, living adventurously, respectfully, gently, laughing, playing. I have many friends in beautiful marriages with wonderful kids but I wonder if it is created freely or from a mental state of this is what I must do. Sometimes I wonder if we have families to create our own community because as a humans I know I want to interact with others, share my life, but somewhere I have moved away from community and into my boxed up house sitting in front of the telly or computer, feeling a little lost and lonely. Marriage to me is community. What is community? I am reading M Scott Peck’s The Different Drum at moment, here’s some of his words – A group of individuals who have learned how to communicate honestly with each other, whose relationships go deeper than their masks of composure, and who have developed some significant commitment to “rejoice together, mourn together, and to delight in each other” This sounds like the best marriage ever… I hope I may be a part of a community like this in my lifetime
I learnt don’t do it! Humans are not designed for marriage. It was HELLLLLLL!
1. Should marriage be a forever thing? — Personally, I believe marriage to be for the rest of your life. With the exception of infidelity or abuse, there should be no issue that you cannot overcome with earnest effort, even if it takes years to work through.
2. Are we ‘built’ for long-term relationships, are we more suited to a series of shorter-term relationships, or, is it different for different people? — I don’t know that anyone would be naturally happy with one person for the rest of their life, that’s why it takes so much effort to stay in love and lovable.
3. Should people stay in love-less, joy-less marriages if that’s what their religion demands? A miserable time on earth in exchange for a joyous eternity perhaps? — People should follow their own convictions and conscience.
4. Is it healthy or unhealthy to have marriage as a ‘goal’? — Maybe not “marriage’ as a goal in and of itself – does that mean that once you attain your goal, you’re finished and don’t have to try anymore? Maintaining a happy marriage and family life is a healthy goal.
5. If you could teach me one thing you’ve learned about marriage, what would it be? — Marriage is not a 50-50 relationship. You give 100%, focusing on meeting the needs of the other person. When you focus on making the other person happy and/or successful, they generally respond by trying to meet your needs. They won’t succeed all of the time (maybe not even most of the time) and you won’t succeed all of the time, but this basic principle biuilds a relationship of giving and love. Be lovable and you will receive love.
6. Other thoughts, ideas, advice? I don’t see anything wrong with staying single at all. Much better to be happy and single then try to follow the trend and make your life (and someone else’s life) miserable because you’re not compatible.
Hey Craig
Just read your article. I was knocked off my feet several years ago when my daughter asked me “Mummy…What do you want to be when you grow up?” I was nearly 40 and it floored me! Seriously.. My knees had never struggled so much. My jaw maybe had to work harder ‘coz it had further to fall and get back up again. My little girl was 6 and I was embarressed. After I finally caught my breath it occurred to me…What I want to be when I eventually grow up is to still be your mummy. I never craved a career. I never thought I could possibly be anything even slightly great. But if I could raise an amazing human being who thinks that other human beings are amazing..what else could I ask for. Since that very disturbing tribulation I have moved on. I have found an awesome job and I still want to be her mummy. I want to be her Mummy even more than ever. I have assessed and re-assessed. I was never qualified to be a great Mum…but my kids think I am. I was never qualified for the job I now have, but I’m doing it. How awesome is that?! It’s never too late, if I can prove it..anyone can!
Thanks Craig
Craig – You and I are approximately the same age, so I can understand your point of view on things. Additionally, this is my first time responding to one of your questions. I am NOT an expert on marriage, but have been married for 17 years. I’m going to take two different lines of thought in my reply.
Line one: I recently listened to a book on tape (CD) titled “Overcoming Life’s Difficulties”. It was written by a Rabbi and based on the life of Moses. I am not particularly religious individual and am not Jewish, but the Rabbi talked about marriage and believed the marriage vows are intended to be life long and part of the vow is not to split at the first sign of difficulty. Part of marriage is the process of growing with another person and working through difficult situations, etc. However, the rabbi did not believe in staying married just for appearance sake. So in response to your first question, I think marriage should be entered into as a forever thing.
Here’s Line two: What if I came to you and asked the same questions you posed at the end of your post but substituted the word marriage or relationship(s) with the word fitness? How would YOU respond? I think you might respond in some respects in the same way I view marriage.
I don’t look at marriage as a forever thing, but I do look at it as a lifestyle choice and a way of living. There are times (maybe day(s), month(s)) where things are wonderful and times where things are not so wonderful (ok, they suck!). But is it an excuse to give up when I consider my investment in the relationship?
You asked about having marriage as a goal. That is setting yourself up for failure. If you had a client who weighed 500 pounds come to you say they want fitness as a goal, what would you say? Would you say – “let’s define fitness – do you mean healthy eating or better self image, able to do 3 sit ups without being out of breath, or running a marathon one year from now?” I guess I view fitness (marriage) as an outcome, not necessarily a goal.
If I could teach you one thing about marriage – First of all, you won’t understand what it’s all about until you are married. Can you really (I mean really) tell someone about fitness who is just struggling to climb a flight of stairs? It’s like having kids – I hear married people say “oh no, we have three dogs and they are our babies – we treat them just like they are our kids” – they don’t and won’t get it until they have kids – you can’t put your kids in a kennel when you go on vacation (insert comment here).
In closing, I would like to hear your responses back to your questions but I will substitute the word fitness.
1. Should FITNESS be a forever thing?
2. Are we ‘built’ for long-term FITNESS, are we more suited to a series of shorter-term FITNESS PLANS, or, is it different for different people?
3. Should people stay in love-less, joy-less FITNESS PROGRAMS if that’s what SOCIETY demands? A miserable time on earth in exchange for a joyous eternity perhaps?
4. Is it healthy or unhealthy to have FITNESS as a ‘goal’?
5. If you could teach me one thing you’ve learned about FITNESS, what would it be?
6. Other thoughts, ideas, advice?
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and not hesitating to ask the questions. As for me, I continually bounce back an forth when it comes to fitness and weight loss. I can use a lot of excuses, but what it comes down to is fear – there is something inside of me that is fearful of being hungry, or taking that extra step, of doing that additional workout, of disappointing others. Let me ask you – is there a fear of marriage? It’s really not that bad and my daughters make everything worth it – I would never know unconditional love if it were not for getting married and having two daughters. I had to stop the second guessing (what if someone “better” comes along) and make a commitment. I could ramble on further, but this is enough – Thanks again for your writing – it does make a difference!
Well, I am late to the party today. I am not going to answer any of the questions. Couldn’t improve on the ones you already received. At age 20, I had just decided that I was going to be single my whole life. Then this silly, make me laugh out loud guy walked up to the dining room table and asked if he could sit down with my college roommate and I for lunch. We said yes and the rest is history. His wonderful sense of humor is what first attracted me to my husband. We have been married for 37+ years. Some of the years have been hard money wise. We were college students the first year we were married and then we traveled looking for the right jobs. Then we had 2 kids and traveled some more following jobs. We finally settled in Hot Springs, Arkansas, USA 22 years ago. I got into counseling for incest and several 12-Step groups and got in touch with my feelings and things got really hard for awhile. During this time we were also building a small parking lot striping business in a new city so times were hard financially too as the business grew. Through out all of this my husband and I have continued to love each other and be committed to our relationship. I am blessed that he is as patient as he is. He must really love me because he has been by my side through all of the years. Today, much of my incest issues are resolved or at least healed enough that I am at peace some of the time. If I had to pick one reason why we are still together after all of this time and after the struggles that I have gone through to figure out who I am, it would be the sense of humor that allows us to laugh at life and at ourselves. One thing my husband has taught me is to not be so serious about everything. Today life is worth living with my husband by my side.
Craig, GIVE ADAM THE PRIZE!!!
Adam, you crushed it!
Hi,
Try being of Italian background, 41 and single….lol Everything you’ve described gets multiplied by 17 million!! I have been asked why I work?? Why do anything if you are not married??. It seems like everyone can rest easy after youre married. Your whole life reaches some sort of pinnacle once youre married…so they tell me. Doesnt matter what sort of person you are or what you have done in your life aslong as you are married. Everything else is of no consequence unless you are married ! My brothers 48 and not married. Theyve given up on him. Am I bitter… maybe just a little
. Im not against marriage ofcourse. Lots of my friends seem happily married and some are divorced and will never go down that road again. I like to let live and let live. If peole want to get married great !! Single Great! Breed Canaries great! If youre happy great !! 
As you said the theory is a no brainer.. but its just like getting a great body… eat less, work hard, buy some awesome clothes and woolah! But I suppose marriage is the same hard work but the pay offs to share your journey with someone on all levels would be pretty awesome!
I relate to being harassed and to be honest I am sick of it… as matter of fact in the last month I have felt like an alien! Just because I am not married, even the trusted gym fellows said ‘Kate you are just so different to the other girls here, they want kids and marriage – you should move to the city’ gee one way to make me feel loved.
Its not that Im different I just think that given my life experiences and age I see that it is possibly one of the hardest thing you could really commit to and unless you find the right match for you it isn’t right to JUST do. I mean after all if the goal is marriage and NOT divorce shouldn’t I really weigh up what it is going to take?
I don’t have anything against marriage all of my family are very happily married and by that I mean faithful (traditional) marriages and honestly you can see they meet there soul mate, not perfect but mate and I love them all!
Yeah I think us women must get it harder all of my friends yep married with kids.. are like I haven’t given up on you yet (as if there is something I haven’t achieved), when in reality I could have settled lots of times or had kids to different guys… I mean there are men that actually offer to father your children! Call me old fashioned but if I was to ever go there it would be in the confines of marriage and personally I think that marriage is something you do commit to for life otherwise (like me) just don’t do it! After all it is a legal contract. With that said I do realize that life happens and BY NO MEANS do I mean stay if it is horrible..
What I get at work is Kate’s a cougar, is she gay, she must be getting around, or they are just plain confused… My mum started collecting cots about six years ago… but thank god I was saved as my sister is NOW pregnanat with TWINS – so mum can finally put it all to good use … you are not so lucky Craig your mum only has you to come through!
But I still get the call every week from one of my siblings hey remember ‘such and such’ would you go back there, hey what about ‘that guy’ you brought to the wedding… I have had enough of explaining myself ..
In answer to your questions:
1. I think the intention for marriage to be forever should be there but if one party doesn’t live up to contract…. Ie infedility then NO you don’t stay its like a bad job – You resign from it and move on.
2. Are we ‘built’ for long-term relationships, are we more suited to a series of shorter-term relationships, or, is it different for different people? I think it is different and depends on where you are in the lifecycle and your spirituality, I have long term friendships, family etc so yes
3. NO WAY Should people stay in love-less, joy-less marriages if that’s what their religion demands? A miserable time on earth in exchange for a joyous eternity perhaps? NO WAY – and in actual fact not that I am a master at religion but I know only one religion (and I studied 6 at school) that might demand this the rest if the person doesn’t live up to the contract do have a way out and it is not called a divorce similar to the sale of a house not going through.
4. Is it healthy or unhealthy to have marriage as a ‘goal’?
I don’t know… Am starting to think people actually did and when I think about it more if I did have a long term relationship I would have to work on it like I do my body so PROBABLY
5. Havent been married, but from observation don’t just get married for the sake of it
6. Other thoughts, ideas, advice? Nope Im sure you will find her if you havent already.
I supose Im not married because the work I see involved just hasnt out weighed the pros, maybe when I meet the right person or if it just sort of fitted I would consider it but for now.. Dont even have that person so I dont need to even consider if I would or wouldnt…
[...] Why I’m Not Married [...]
Don’t worry … you’re not the only one who thinks this way.
It’s true that we have been somewhat programmed to think that once we get an education we are supposed to get a job, buy a house, get married and live happily ever after. That clearly does not happen for a lot of people yet we continue to expect it to. Look at all the people that end up on Oprah and Dr Phil for crying out loud!
I don’t think that it is consciously done it’s just that no one has thought to try anything else.
What’s that definition of insanity – “repeating the same behaviour and expecting different results”???
I’m 31 and am spending my energy on ways to improve myself. My ultimate goal is to achieve happiness. I would like to try to achieve that through education, trying new things, putting myself out of my comfort zone, learning more about myself. If along the way I happen to find someone that I can share that with, well that’s just another nice thing I can add to my life.
Marriage is for the gutsy.
This is going to sound mean but i’m glad there are so many singles out there now. It means i won’t have any problems renting out my 1 bedroom unit.
No i’m not married although i probably should start thinking about it as i’ve hit the hag side of 38. I’ve reached the point were i’m quite happy to have my family & friends arrange something for me. As i don’t believe in fairytales I’ve no problem with it. i know many marrieds that have met up that way and are happy. They see marriage as two people building a family, a decent life together, partners in crime. I like that. To me marriage is about companionship and survival. I know i know maybe 100yrs ago it may have been about survival but let’s face it people still need one another, especially in this sick-ass world. Besides man cannot survive on his right (or left) hand alone. Honestly i’m not too desperate to get married but i like the idea of getting married because it would be something different in my life. Maybe something exciting. A new adventure. Scary. With the right attitude and a good sense of humour about the whole thing, who knows it could be fun. So long as both people have the same core values and the attraction is there i don’t see the problem in marrying someone who isn’t ‘the one’ or even someone your not madly in love with because even that kind of luv doesn’t always last. And if you do get married only to meet ‘the one’ while your already married..well you make your choices and you stick with it. Just because someone is ‘the one’ doesn’t mean they are necessarily good for you or that you can live with them. No, marriage isn’t always forever but it shouldn’t be disposable either.
You know who i feel bad for? All those decent but lonely single men out there that want the relationship or marriage but have been by-passed by women for the executive accountant guys who drive the fancy cars. Ok so these men might not be high up the social status ladder but so what. To these men i say ‘i’m here baby, come on over and let me show you your worth’. haha.
And Craig, if you want to keep that nice white backyard lounge setting of yours, don’t get married. Wanna keep your nice lifestyle? Stay single. Otherwise it will all end up hers. HERS!! That’s women for you. They can be like spoiled 2yr olds ‘mine mine mine Bwahhaahh!
A
Hi Craig,
Thanks for sharing about you…good idea about referring everyone back to this post ..it will save you heaps of time!
People fall in love and make commitments when they are in that “lovey dovey all is bliss” stage of the relationship, before they have really got to know each other…often people do not even know themselves yet….because they have not separated from their family of origin and their family values enough to explore what they really like, love or think about stuff. People change over time. I think some people are suited to long term relationships in that they like the predictability that brings, a sense of safety in knowing that they are not alone… not everyone can handle long term relationships, that’s why it is important that you know yourself before you commit to marriage…then is the issue of children…..should everyone have them? It ties into the long term short term question and has huge implications for the innocent little one who does not get a choice in the matter. When the love / joy is gone, staying in a relationship like that is very unhealthy – toxic even to your health and wellbeing to live like that. I think that people have complicated that and through RELIGION– the religions of the world have been designed by IMPERFECT PEOPLE who wanted to promote their point of view – after much searching in my life I have developed a faith in a loving presence who accepts and loves me imperfect as I am and would not expect me to endure a loveless joyless and damaging relationship – my short time on this planet is precious – ENDURING and LIVING life are two different things, in exercise endurance may be a good thing but enduring stress, physical or emotional abuse that often goes hand in hand with broken relationships is not healthy for anyone. Having marriage as a goal is a little bit like going fishing with someone who is so intent on catching something that they complain and annoy you and deprive everyone of the joy of sitting quietly holding a line listening to the birds and feeling the water and the breeze on your face – a partner should complement your life, add another dimension to it, if you need a partner to be happy and feel “complete” Tom Cruise said – you have a problem with you that you need to look at before you hitch up with someone. One thing I have learned is that M. Scott Peck was right – life is difficult sometimes and we are complex creatures…..for any partnership to be successful you must first know yourself and then learn to listen…
Laura
God you lot are depressing. Recently I decided there is no one for me and I will be alone. It’s horrible.
Craig, marry me, blokes might as well marry each other they spend more committment to their mates at the pub then the Mrs. Besides marriages are sexless
I’m just not going to move to Melbourne no matter how much I love the place, your weather is hideous and worse it’s closer to Sydney 
It’s funny Craig but with every single blog entry issue you bring up EVERY ONE, something the hours or days before preceeds this. Yesterday my boss and I discussed this very issue. Now, it might sound unprofessional, but as I only work part time and have known her for years and this was said, which is going to sound strange but. They have been married 4 decades! They are both not monogamous but do not have affairs because ‘neither of us can be bothered”.
Now the next comment was interesting “I don’t know why young women bother getting married”. And this from someone married for 40 years!
Craig – this is what I believe:
What annoys me (not just with this topic but any emotive issue) is when people feel compelled to convince, coerce and control other people regarding their personal beliefs, decisions and behaviours. I respect the fact that you might believe marriage should be a forever-no-matter-what thing. I respect your position and, at the same time, I disagree with you. And that’s okay. You don’t need to change my mind and I don’t need to change yours. You choose your rules, values, beliefs, standards and reality and I’ll choose mine. Okay?
EXACTLY
People use marriage and partnerships so they won’t be alone and will feel whole. Such crap. My neighbour had 40 grandchildren and no one visited her not even her ungrateful children. So much for marriage curing loneliness.
As for people asking you about size of genitals etc Craig, or wanting to marry you, you are good looking and hot, but I would run a mile if anyone even said that to me. Maybe it’s a Melbourne thing because in so called more conservative Brisbane I don’t get asked why i’m not married and i’m not out either
Here are my answers – Lisa gets my vote for the best post so far.
1. Should marriage be a forever thing?
Ask Elizabeth Taylor.
2. Are we ‘built’ for long-term relationships, are we more suited to a series of shorter-term relationships, or, is it different for different people?
Both actually. There is an element of choice here I think. But these days I would say shorter because people don’t like committing. We have in society now I believe with so many choices I think we are mostly so self-absorbed and have so much we don’t give time to others. It can be different for different people, but I think what’s the point of having a short-term one?
3. Should people stay in love-less, joy-less marriages if that’s what their religion demands? A miserable time on earth in exchange for a joyous eternity perhaps?
In Western Society no, however, the partnership might have gone from love-less to friendship and they don’t want to split due to court costs etc. I’ve seen that more with gay couples, they split but live in the same house.
4. Is it healthy or unhealthy to have marriage as a ‘goal’?
Well is it healthy or unhealthy to want to be thin? That’s tough because it is up to the individual. I think that if you have marriage as a goal to not be lonely, please the parents, you want a little one or two even though you still want to go to the pub or any other reason that is ‘negative’ then no. But if you do want to share one’s life with another then that’s ok.
5. If you could teach me one thing you’ve learned about marriage, what would it be?
It DOES NOT cure loneliness. When will my ex friend Stephen get that through his thick head?
6. Other thoughts, ideas, advice?
Craig, have you thought of saying to anyone, including males, when they ask why you are not married to joke “well book the church, get the bridal registry, organise everything and I’ll turn up”. It freaks them out
Craig – you are not married. Nor am I. Nor is Lisa. Nor are some others on here. We have different reasons. We live in a society where only really some care. The majority could not care.
Thanks Craig – awesome post. And some thought provoking replies from different view points from the gang – well done. As an amazingly happy and certified singleton for a good 15+ years (I think, not counting…), I am definitely well over “that question” too. Hey, if I could, I would love to have business cards with a web link address to THIS article on it, that I could hand out when asked for the billionth time – that would rock. Thanks again and keep the great articles coming.
S
Michael LOL
Hmm interesting comments from everyone (some a little hard to follow admittedly)
I was married once (20 yrs ago) for 2 years. It was a disaster. I was deeply in love with this guy and didnt feel I deserved him (mistake #1). He had HUGE issues I wasnt aware of until after we were married. I have learned heaps since and dont regret lessons learnt.
Two engagements later (no marriages) I too am happily single at present, and enjoying playing the dating game. You could say I am slightly allergic to marriage, but not totally adverse to it. I am a romantic at heart, and believe we all have a soul-mate.
If and when I meet mine, and he feels the same way, I would be happy to ‘hook-up’ for a long-term commitment. If that involves marriage, so be it! Nothing would give me more pleasure than to share my life with my ‘best friend’.
BUT I agree Craig, happiness is my goal too…no other matters
This topic reminds me a lot of something I always get asked – “why don’t you want to have kids?” It seems that the view of a lot of my friends/family is that because I am a woman in my early 30’s then having a child is something I should be seriously thinking about now. However, I have no desire to have children at all. I haven’t ruled it out completely but for the most part I can’t imagine it happening. People are shocked when they hear me say this. It’s like they look at me differently, like I must be abnormal because I am a woman and don’t want a child. Drives me nuts. Anyway…
I think the view of marriage being a forever thing is a romantic notion but not necessarily a realistic one. People are/can be difficult to get along with at the best of times but people also change – often dramatically – over years. Keeping this in mind I find it difficult to comprehend that two people in a committed relationship such as marriage are able to coincide their life changes in such a way that they don’t begin to want different things or think in different ways. It surprises me (and strangely inspires me) to meet or hear of people who have been married for many decades and are still completely committed to each other and genuinely in love. My parents have been married for 32 years and they are just one of those couples who mystify me because they have changed with each other… they have moved with each other in the same direction and I think that it’s because they are still headed in the same direction, that their relationship is as strong as it ever was. I think they are lucky though and without sounding pessimistic I think they are an exception – at least it seems that way these days.
I probably would like to get married but at the same time I’m not pinning all my hopes and dreams on it. Like you Craig, if it happens it happens. I think I want to purely because I like the romantic idea of it, but not because I think it’s an essential part of life and growing up. If I don’t get married, I won’t be disappointed. My grandma will be, but not me!
I know from personal experience in “bad” past relationships that there is simply no chance I could stay in a love-less or joy-less relationship, much less a marriage. I’m not wired that, but I know people that are and I just don’t get it. But more than that, I don’t know how they do it! I am a bad liar and I don’t pretend very well – I wear my heart on my sleeve and my emotions are usually written all over my face. It’s who I am and as a result I could never pretend to be happy in a situation where I am not. But I have friends who have been miserable for years in an empty relationship but still agree to getting married! I have no great insights on this but I guess it’s just each to their own isn’t it. I mean is the idea of marriage so important to some people that they would rather have the wedding, the certificate, the hoo haw, than actually seek true happiness? Clearly it is.
I believe ultimately marriage is something that can’t be looked upon with one set of rules. Each person will have their own thoughts and ideas on it and there is nothing to say that each person is right in their thinking. The point is, it’s right to them and surely that’s all that matters?
Great post
I wont lie Craig….Marriage is very hard work and I have oftened thought of bailing!!! But we have been together for almost 15yrs and have 4 beautiful kids and you loose yourself amongst ‘responsibilites’ of being parents.
That ‘in love’ feeling only sticks around for 2yrs (its called the honey moon period) and slowly deminshes. But like anything new…its exciting and then you get used to it, it gets a few scratches, doesn’t work aswell as it did, looks aren’t as appealing anymore, a newer version comes out….SO you have to work for anything you want to maintain……love,body, relationships with family & friends, education, house, car etc
1. Forever?? Only if your happy & thats why divorces happen!
2.Short or long term is up to the individual…some people just cant do one person for the rest of their life.
3.NO, did not stay in a marriage that make you miserable!! Not even for the sake of the children as you r probably doing more damage to them by staying. Not for your religion either!!
4.Goals are again an individual thing & if marriage is what you want then who r we to say it unhealthy for you.
5.Marriage has taught me flexibility…….I’m not always right (though I really like to be!!) and I have to some times go without to get some in return.
6.There is not one ONE! Yes thats right, may people will make your heart flutter in your life time.
Each to their own…Your life your choice….
Well, what a well timed email Craig.
I am smack bang in the middle of a disgusting marital separation as we speak and from where I sit, right now, I certainly won’t be going back for seconds and nor will I be recommending it to anyone soon.
My beliefs on marriage are this:
I don’t believe that the traditional marriage ‘set up’ works for our society today. Why…..I don’t have enough time to sit here in front on the computer to answer….
And tell me this, how many of us have the same friends forever & a day??? Not many of us, why? Because we change…. and then to think we get married and live with someone for the rest of our lives and believe it will be ‘happy ever after’ umm thats about where the fairy tale ends Im afraid……sorry if I just killed it for anyone…lol.
My goal in life is to be happy and if that means excluding people from my immediate social circle, no matter the cost – emotionally or financially well then that shall be so…..I am sorry for any discomfort that I am causing to those around me but hey come walk in my shoes for a day. And ultimately I have to take care of ‘yours truly’ cause who else will. Dont get me wrong, Im a fighter and haven’t given up easily but there comes a time when you have to say enoughs enoughs.
So, for me, I’m giving the whole marriage thing the thumbs down…..but if it works for some, thats great & I’m happy for ya!!!
Cheers
Hi Craig & everyone else, Wow! I couldn’t help reading your blog about marriage. It seems to be a HOT topic for you. Hmm, I am not sure why but I thought I’ll share my thoughts with you. I was married for 13 years, so I guess I know what it is like to be married….and I also know how it is to be divorced…and I know how it is to date….and I now know how it is to be in a “partnership”.
We all have wants, beliefs and opinion about things in life. I think it all comes down to what YOU want….does not care a bit what anyone else thinks does it?! You are lucky if you want someone who want to be with you for a long time – or forever without wanting to be married – if that is what you want. And you are also lucky if you want someone to marry you if that is what you want. Maybe not so easy if the person you fall in love with wishes a different things than you- then you have to “agree” on what is going to work. Marriage should not change anything in my opinion. Why would you treat your partner different if you were married or not? I believe in a happy marriage both partners support each others growth – let each live their passion, you support each other fully, you pick each other up when you are down & vice versa! It’s really a balance thing! Marriage does not make you happy – only you can make you happy. I do believe though, that if you are prepared to love and be loved and share life – You will have double as fun! It’s all about sharing…and love. When the lust for sharing and love goes and it effects your relationship (married or not) – I personally think it is time to “get out”. I think only “weak” people, who are not willing to be true to themselves stay in so called “bad” relationships. Once the desire to be there for the person and the love is not there anymore, there is not point of keep trying. If people were “brave” enough to agree that they are not “happy” in the relationship anymore – isn’t it just time to Thank the person for the time they had together and then leave. What a great thing if you both can wish each other well in the future adventures. I can certainly say that Marriage is not meant to be just “sunshine” – it is not going to be easy all the time – BUT what is in life?! Life is all about balance, sometimes things got the way we want them to go and sometimes things happen to balance us. Hmm, sounds like I am some kind of relationship expert?! Ha, Ha (laughing at myself!)
I honestly don’t think this really has to do with marriage – the question to you Craig – do You Want to be in a relationship?? If you do, just enjoy it when it happens and see where it takes you. Remember there are 2 people involved in a relationship and if it ends up being love….who knows where it brings you…..maybe the altar. Whatever love will end up taking you….I wish you all the Happiness you deserve. Believe that you can have whatever you want….and enjoy as it arrives on your doorstep.
Keep Smiling! Be Happy! x
As a newlywed, I have thought long and hard about similar questions. My position is that marriage is a choice. A daily choice. I don’t know if it’s influenced by my upbringing or societal-convention about commitment, I just know I don’t have to be married to be happy. It’s a choice to marry one man and commit to that relationship for life.
Hope this was of some value!
All good Kate
I liked your posting.
Brenda that’s fine what ever makes you happy
and re Denise
And tell me this, how many of us have the same friends forever & a day??? Not many of us, why? Because we change
Yes we change but the reason to me why we split from partners, spouses and friends is they don’t. It is a choice to me to stay with someone until death on any level but sadly this society values Facebook over real life.
Hey there Craig
I think I remember that wedding you mentioned!
Interesting topic of debate. Being one who has chosen not to marry I often find other people make judgements based on their own list of criteria – What do you do for work? Do you have any kids? Where do you live? and the dreaded are you married question, finally gets dropped into the discussion. It is in the moment of this response that all the other tick a box successes goes out the window and I become a case study, or as they announce the “Oh”, all the respect for my other accomplishmets go out the window.
Most of the time I do my best to navigate around the dreaded question by visiting the loo!
Anyhow I have come to realise nothing is what it seems so I cannot comment on marriage, as some things can look worse than they do, while other marriages can look fantastic, but hell to live through, so I am out for the count! Putting that one in the too hard basket.
Being a high freedom kinda gal I think I will stick to chillin and enjoying the people I meet in the loo!
Reading all of the posts, another thought occured to me. I think problems arise when people see marriage as an achievement, as a point of arrival. This ties in with your question if it is good to have marriage as a goal. In fact it is a point of departure. This would be the same as if one says once I begin going to the gym I be fit and once I step through the door I have achieved it. In both instances it is about creating a new reality and reality itself is dynamic, changing, evolving. Marriage is more than a static, defined societal parametre which determines life style, status, income or taxes. Like any relationship it is something dynamic to engage with. The concept of relationships has drastically changed ove the past decades; there are ,multifaceted concepts now ranging from friends with benefits to being exclusive. I think this was in part possible because it was a religiously and socially undefined area as sex before marriage was a no go for so long. This gave space to experiment, to define and redefine what relationships are about. To bring all the insight from these changes and learning to a loaded and defined concept as marriage will take time, but is necessary if marriage is to be more than a societal and religious form of confirming a long term relationship. Those people who kaept a marriage alive for a long time are pioneers in adapting marriage to today’s world and it is from them that we can learn a lot.
Those bulk emails that circulate the internet also provide some insights (sorry if this has already been mentioned):
1. Why buy the whole cow when you can get the milk for free.
2. Why purchase the entire pig when all you want is a little sausage.
Let’s not over look the fact that people have historically laughed at these questions because they provide voice to an unspeakable truth.
Questions that partially answer questions.
You deserve to be happy and you deserve to have success. Keep that mindset and never give up until you reach your destination!
Craig, I have been pondering this a lot. Certain cultures have a lot to answer for!
What a great article, Craig! Very refreshing perspective. It’s something you never hear nowadays. Well thought out!
Great web-site, Craig !
I agree with all that what you wrote. Indeed, we are a fear-based society. People would rather stay in an unhappy ralationship than be alone.
Hi Craig,
I agree with your observations and most of the responses! To provide some balance I also think there are many negatives associated with being single for a long time!
Hi Craig,
1) There is no “should´´ in being married forever.
I interviewed long term – married couples about their secret.
It is communication and respect.
The longest married couple I know, was it for 72 years.
2) Depends on willingness.
3) No
4) Neither healthy or unhealthy.
I don´t see marriage as a goal.
There are lots of unmarried couples with a strong connection between heards and souls. And they don´t see a wedding as neccessary.
5) It´s wonderful to say: This man/woman belongs to me. We want to share our lifetime and take the responsebility for each other.
Without knowing the end of the story.
It´s kind of an adventure.
6) Next time I marry I´ ll answer “the question´´ with: “I´ ll give it a try:)
Men shouldn’t get married and women shouldn’t have children. Life would be so much simpler then! I know, what life? It would have died out long ago. After almost 20 years of marriage, I sum it up on one word….Com-”promise”…everyday, sometimes every minute. i applaud those who stay in a marriage when it gets tough and I applaud those who leave because it’s too far broken. Yes, sometimes, it is too far gone. I know marriage so I am comfortable-I don’t really know another way. But I think it’s great to really think about it first.
Craig,
If you weren’t such a high profile great catch, you wouldn’t be getting badgered all the time about being single.
Reading your post and all these insightful comments has made me realize I need to get some therapy about my own situation.
Great Article!
You rock!
[...] Why I’m Not Married [...]
Hi Guys. So it seems there’s zero interest in this topic..
I’ll (probably) be posting something tomorrow. I thought we’d let this instalment be dissected for another day… sorry I can’t reply to all the questions today – I’m kinda busy at the minute…
Keep up the great discussion – it’s most illuminating!
Enjoy your day
hey Michael want to be a facebook friend of mine?
So interesting that this post gets more hits than any other.. Obviously it is one of the biggest choices we make!
LOL Kate – and then you share my secrets in there
I’m boring hence why I am single. And will be in this lifetime.
Roxanne – the voice of reason
My Opinion.
1. Should marriage be a forever thing?
I think should is relative. I think couples have to have good communication and a great foundation. There is nothing more frustrating than telling your spouse or fiancé your upcoming plans and when asked about it later they have no idea what you are talking about(works both ways). Google calendar has helped me a BUNCH; I shared my calendar with my fiancé. Before, we would get in little arguments about scheduling when we didn’t remember what we said.
2. Are we ‘built’ for long-term relationships, are we more suited to a series of shorter-term relationships, or, is it different for different people?
I don’t think we are built for long term relationships; I think the average is seven years(my opinion). It’s a normal thing to get bored with a partner and want to move on, get someone new, and be excited. Although, I think if you are going to commit to marriage you should make the extra effort to keep yourself interested. For example: A guy starts looking at porn; He stops looking at his wife. After some time, his wife won’t do it for him anymore. Also, it helps if your spouse works out.
3. Should people stay in love-less, joy-less marriages if that’s what their religion demands? A miserable time on earth in exchange for a joyous eternity perhaps?
I don’t think it is worth it. The ‘key’ to life is happiness. People don’t like to speak up at the start of their problems/unhappiness. In my opinion, Marriage is day to day, everyday(24/7/365). It is NOT 9am to 5pm Monday through Friday. After all the ‘new’ has worn off ,people stop working at it. Think of it as a ‘job’ with the amount of effort you put into it. Your boss would fire you if you stopped doing your job; Your wife will leave if you don’t put in effort in your marriage.
4. Is it healthy or unhealthy to have marriage as a ‘goal’?
Happiness should be the goal. If it makes you happy get married, if not, don’t. If you are not happy alone, marriage will not make you happy. It’s not a quick fix. Everyone has their ups and downs, everyday.
5. If you could teach me one thing you’ve learned about marriage, what would it be?
Not married.
6. Other thoughts, ideas, advice?
After I proposed to my fiancé, we had several nights that we stayed up really late in the morning talking about everything the proposal involved. Yeah I know mush mush. I told her, “I only want to do this once.” She said, ” same. Befor I met you, I was anti-marriage and have said no to a couple guys.”
Just some out of order, random thoughts…
Thanks
What is marriage?
First….
define: what is life?
Life is about the rolling continuous moment of creation, and at the same time, the inevitability of the demise and destruction of that creation.
In the natural world, it is survival of the fittest that ensures that mostly the strongest and fittest genes are passed through the creative chain.
Hey Craig, you are top of the fittest pile!
How is this survival of the fittest played out? It is through DRAMA!
The drama of eat or be eaten.
It is through this drama that creation ensures it’s continuation and strength of enduring.
But humans have short circuited this process, and we are breeding ourselves into extinction with the weak gene pool that modern day values (marriage) and medicine are enhancing.
It is drama that sharpens the gene pool in the Serengeti.
It is drama that sharpens my mind.
It is drama that pushes my envelope to realise that drama does not matter.
It is drama that makes me realise that what I make out to be big, should be kept small.
It is drama that I avoid that stunts my progression in life.
I need drama to realise the pointlessness of revelling in drama.
And marriage is the ultimate in drama.
Go for it Craig…don’t avoid drama…embrace it to the point that it becomes pointless.
Could that be enlightenment?
It would be drama if I thought it was!
Marriage is not natural!!
It was constructed long ago to ensure the man had axcess to regular sex and the women (and their children) were ‘protected’ from other men.
In a perfect society we would all take care of everyones children and each other and this union would not be necessary. Although, many would choose to spend many years with a particular person it would be no tradgedy when it was over.
Eventually, we will all grow to love ouselves and each other and not live in so much fear in our lives and therefore not afraid to be alone.
(We are all so fortunate to be existing at this time of evolution and living in this most wonderful part of the world).
In an ideal world yes marriage should be forever, but people change, its only natural to change over a lifetime and sometimes in marriage you grow apart from your partner, have different ideals and goals.
No I don’t believe in staying in an unhappy marriage and I don’t think you need to be married to be happy with your partner. We are all individuals and we all have different ideas of what makes us happy, I don’t think anyone should judge anyone else either on their marital status, sexual orientation or wether they have children or not.
How do you really know if when you marry its going to last, day by day you need to connect with each other, talk about the day, spend some time apart dont overcrowd each other, laugh alot, go on holidays together, have the same morals and goals. Your partner should be your best friend.
Thats my thoughts anyway.
If you are not happy alone, marriage will not make you happy. It’s not a quick fix.
Yeah but most of the world DON’T AND WON’T get that and then wonder why things go wrong.
My favourite post @ craigharper.com.
The real secret of healthy relationships is developing a feeling of oneness.
You change a lot once when you leave high school or uni. Some people grow together, some grow apart. I for one am still an advocate of marriage.
I was with a guy once & from day dot told him I wanted marriage & kids….he never said then, that he didnt…..until about a year or so later. I was pushing Four OH & decided that I liked this guy & perhaps I was getting on a bit for kiddliwinks & didnt feel the need to get married so much. A year or so passed & he proposes!!!!! A year later, he wants kids. BUT……in his mind, he thought this is what I wanted & the bit of paper was enough…..the kids would keep me happy….the new flash (BIG) house would keep me content…..um no!! He never wanted to work on our relationship, cos really…..it was super hard work & I stayed in it far too long, as I thought there was enough there to keep me happy….ISH!! In the end it was “What more could I do? I proposed didnt I?”
He’s now my ex & is a good friend & we can still have a laugh……yes I learnt a lot from that relationship!!
I also was married…..after a 10 year relationship, my best friend & I married…..& I left after 6 weeks. OOPS!! My fault! I thought “Ive put up with him for this long, I can keep going” We both admitted we were young & naive & thought being best mates would keep us going. But I wanted lotsa loving…mushy sloppy hugs & kisses…..so I got a dog!!
GOSH!! I’ve learnt a lot!! ;-p
Every time I think I’ve found mister right. I am inevitably disappointed. Staying single is the way for me.
KAY
Failing marriages happen when one or both partners give up trying or caring about the other partner’s needs.
Well, I see you understand how a woman feels when she is asked by dozens (hundreds?) of people why she has no kids (‘poor thing, she must have issues’). People love to teach others how to live. It makes them feel smarter than yourself.
Are there any negatives to being single???
I think a lot of people are missing the point of Craig’s article. He is not asking if it is better to be married or single. He is saying that we are all seaching for one thing – HAPPINESS. Whether that is with a partner or not is irrelevant. Stop asking him why he is not married. Who cares!!!!
What did your dad say when he read this.
Pet want to marry me
Craig by now do you realise if you put more controversial topics you will have more blog postings
So now I can’t make up my mind if to find someone or not – thanks all for confusing me!
@Michael – Why don’t you start you own forum elsewhere so that you can interact with all of the ladies over there. It would free up some space on Craig’s blog.
Loved your quote “God you lot are depressing. Recently I decided there is no one for me and I will be alone. It’s horrible”.
How depressing are you!!! No wonder there is no one for you.
Marriage is a-must thing and ups and downs are a part of it. The pre-marriage/engagement period defines the whole quality of marriage later as how the ups and downs will break or make the marriage stronger.
1. Marriage, or should I say the relationship that makes us feel we need to confirm our feelings by getting married should only be forever if the relationship is working.
2. It’s all to do with the relationship itself. Some work only for a short time, and may go longer if either or both partners feel obligated to drag it on. Some couples seem completely compatible, which means to me that both people sit in their roles well and it works so that both people get what they need for this partnership. That doesn’t necessarily mean they have to have that marriage certificate. I think we are all built for any combination of those things, we need to take on what suits us best.
3. I have to be upfront and say I am not a religious person, but I guess for someone to stay in a love-less relationship because of their god, then that says to me that they are not just married to their partner, but also to their god so they are not giving themselves completely to their partner anyway. What I mean is they have a fall back guy. They never truly feel alone.
4. Marriage itself should never be the goal. To aspire to have a great life, one that you might want to share with another person, along with those things that come along with it, whatever they may be, like kids, dog, house whatever.
5. Marriage should be a work in progress, not one sided. Sometimes it is a bit of hard work, but as long as the work you put in is improving things for you both, than it’s worth it.
6. Marriage or even a relationship is not something you should be searching for. I believe there are three equally important parts to being in a relationship. Most importantly you should be friends, you should have chemistry or be physically attracted to each other, and you should share a love and mutual respect for each other. Anything less than that, it’s a waste of time. More is better.
Shar
1. Marriage, or should I say the relationship that makes us feel we need to confirm our feelings by getting married should only be forever if the relationship is working.
2. It’s all to do with the relationship itself. Some work only for a short time, and may go longer if either or both partners feel obligated to drag it on. Some couples seem completely compatible, which means to me that both people sit in their roles well and it works so that both people get what they need for this partnership. That doesn’t necessarily mean they have to have that marriage certificate. I think we are all built for any combination of those things, we need to take on what suits us best.
3. I have to be upfront and say I am not a religious person, but I guess for someone to stay in a love-less relationship because of their god, then that says to me that they are not just married to their partner, but also to their god so they are not giving themselves completely to their partner anyway. What I mean is they have a fall back guy. They never truly feel alone.
4. Marriage itself should never be the goal. To aspire to have a great life, one that you might want to share with another person, along with those things that come along with it, whatever they may be, like kids, dog, house whatever.
5. Marriage should be a work in progress, not one sided. Sometimes it is a bit of hard work, but as long as the work you put in is improving things for you both, than it’s worth it.
6. Marriage or even a relationship is not something you should be searching for. I believe there are three equally important parts to being in a relationship. Most importantly you should be friends, you should have chemistry or be physically attracted to each other, and you should share a love and mutual respect for each other. Anything less than that, it’s a waste of time. More is better.
Shar
Michael ya floozy!! You proposed to Craig first…..hmph….. ;-p
Interesting stuff. thanks for making life clearer/fuzzier for me.
Very interesting post. As a single women of a mature age, one thing that annoys me is that people suggest/think you cant be happy or content until you are married or have children. I know for a fact that that is not true! The “oh, its not too late” “it might still happen one day” statements are rather annoying!
Interesting. First time I am speechless. On marriage you have to do whats right for you. Personally I am married. Cause I choose to be. What makes my marriage good is having good communication between the two of you. There is nothing wrong with not being married either.
Errr no Pet I did not propose to Craig I am not marrying anyone of any gender thank you very much
Nor did I propose to CJ.
I revisited this post today because over the long weekend this issue came up in a debate we had. It seems that more, according to the ABC Radio program I listened to, more and more are choosing this new thing called, I don’t know it’s trendy name, but you are married or in a partnership but the two of you live elsewhere.
I don’t know if that includes monogamy or not but some claim they are monogamous but they maintain seperate houses etc.
I am sort of thinking that this is actually fantastic. At first I thought what you want the best of both worlds, but then again that’s human nature. Maybe it is the way to go.
I hope you decided to revisit this topic in the future Craig, it is interesting to speculate why we shun marriage, why we, or some of us, just were brought up with being coupled and we want someone to be there, but for some reason it ain’t happening. As soon as you find out the reason I’ll nominate anyone for the Noble Prize.
Hey Craig, Am seriously behind on my He-dot-com reading so I hope you receive this one. I am always amazed when you say how often people ask about your marital status and ‘progress’ in the area. As if it’s anyone’s business? Do you bowl up and ask them how their marriage/relationship is going and why they bother hanging around in it? Don’t think so! I think we should be focussing more on whether we’re leading great lives married, unmarried or otherwise. But to answer your questions:
1. Should marriage be a forever thing? Who says it should be? I would like to watch those who say it should be tell a woman being beaten to a pulp every week or subjected to standover tactics or ongoing emotional abuse that that’s her lot in life because she’s married and has to now put up with it. (and vice versa) Marriage is a rule created by society and is also a legal status. One gives us a framework to operate in legally and the other is something that has grown up over time that is beneficial to some with not much regard for human-ness. (in my opinion anyway).
And you decide that what you want is to actually commit yourself to this relationship like you would to anything else in your life like say… proper training 
2. Are we ‘built’ for long-term relationships, are we more suited to a series of shorter-term relationships, or, is it different for different people? I believe it’s different for different people. Family is important. (blood or otherwise) Having constants and a ‘tribe’ is important. We are pack animals and we need our pack and I don’t know that we can ignore that innate part of ourselves. We are capable of long term relationships otherwise the life long friendships that people have wouldn’t be happening. But is marriage the model for it? Who has the authority to say?
3. Should marriage be a forever thing? If it can be, why not? But again, who has the ultimate authority to say so? For some it’s joy, for some it’s a jail. Who chooses to lock themselves into a cell and remain there miserable forever and why should they have to?
4. Should people stay in love-less, joy-less marriages if that’s what their religion demands? A miserable time on earth in exchange for a joyous eternity perhaps? I truly do not understand that concept. I believe we are here to learn. If we learn that our relationship is unhealthy and this is not a way to live life, then learn from the experience and know what to avoid. Desperation to simply be married can often lead to poor partner choice and I’ve seen many a friend so desperate to be married by 30 or thereabouts make a disastrous decision simply because they think they should be married. Needless to say they then have to go through the heartbreak of divorce.
5. Is it healthy or unhealthy to have marriage as a ‘goal’? It can be unhealthy if you pick the wrong person. And it can be unhealthy for more than you. It can be unhealthy for your siblings, parents, future children ….
6. If you could teach me one thing you’ve learned about marriage, what would it be? That you never get married because you think you should or because that person seems ok and it might work out. You get married because you adore that person, that you want to see them and share with them every single day of your life. You get married because together you are a unit, a great team, wonderful friends, each others champions and no else will put up your irritating faults and foibles
7. Other thoughts, ideas, advice? It is actually possible to get so used to being either single or married that adjusting to the opposite state can take some time. But along the way you have to remember that you are making a choice for a reason and if that choice is still what you want, have courage and faith in the situation and the other person and it will turn out how you want it.
I dated a number of wonderful women, but didn’t get married until I was ready to have children. Then I married the wonderful woman I was dating at the time. If I had been ready for a family sooner, I probably would have married one of my earlier girlfriends. My genetics are geared for survival (both my parents are Holocaust survivors), and if I’m not going to live forever, at least my DNA will survive for at least one more generation (I have two kids – no grandchildren yet). And guess what the awesome side effect of passing my genes on to the next generation is – the existence of two kids who are amazing individuals. The love I have for them is indescribable. And guess what, they love me a whole bunch too – symmetry is nice! Have I made a ton of sacrifices throughout my marriage (as has my wife)? Yes. Was it worth it – absolutely!
Craig, I think you would be a great father, you would love being a father, and you would raise some incredible kids. So my advice to you is pick one of the many wonderful women you probably already know, marry her, have a kid or two, enable your DNA to outlive your body, and experience the bliss of fatherhood (oh yeah, and marrying a good woman has its upside too).
I’m not married. I guess I missed on something big. But many days now, I’m somewhat relieved I never did. Life is easy when you’re single. I don’t know how a married guy makes it to the finished line anymore. I recently lost my job. And now every day I think – geez what if I had to support a wife, kids and a mortgage? I’d be six feet under. Or in the worst case scenario-alimony? A marriage a person never wanted but has to pay for. So while there’s definitely benefits of a marriage, there’s a downside too. You definitely have to be in it for the long term, and accept the nicks and bruises which come with da territory.
Marriage isn’t a ‘goal’, no one cares if you are married or not, or committed to a relationship or not, or happy or not – unless there’s a child involved. Then you are advised to take some responsibility. Although children are capable of surviving dreadful upbringings, lack of adult protection can kill them. So far from being a matter of your personal happiness, commitment to a relationship (at least to the child, if not to your partner) becomes a matter of life or death. NB romance (s/he’s nice, plenty of fish, no such thing as the ‘one’) is not the same thing as marriage (a piece of paper) is not the same thing as commitment (work, responsability). Sorry for late post, just discovered this blog last night – really like your attitude to people, hence commenting rather than customary lurking!
I was married for 16 years and produced 2 beautiful children. I have been on my own for 14 years and have been very happy. My children( grown ups ) live with me quite harmoniously. When relationships are not good everything is effected, it can be liberationg to be out of a bad one. However i still believe in marriage, i now know it is hard work and constant negotiations and considerations. As a Christian it became hard when my faith and love of the Lord was being compromised and this created a huge difference and rift between us. I am a much happier person, more altogether and sure of wht i want and what is important in my life, I don’t need a man to assist me with this. however i enjoy having men as friends and if God wants me to commit to someone in the future, then that may happen. I have bnot been out with any men in the last 14 years and am sane and happy!
I understand what it’s like to be asked this. I have had my fair share of short and long term relationships, there really are no guarantees in love. I felt I was going to marry my last serious boyfriend only to have it fall apart and find that I had to rediscover ‘me’ again. I think the moment we place expectations (goals for marriage etc..) on love is when things can become a bit strained. Most of all life can 360 at any time, one day happily married the next divorced? who knows, so why do people still feel this need to push such a conventional way of life onto us?
I got tired of my couple friends giving me pitying looks or the constant ‘so are you dating anyone new?. harmless sure,but it would be nice if they just treated me the same – instead of behaving like single is some kind of disease which needs to be cured by another person! I’m not a sceptic of love, in fact the opposite. I do belive we are happy sharing our lives with a special someone – but that’s not always a partner. Sometimes life requires you to be alone, other times it doesn’t. I have seen friends stay in loveless relationships out of fear of being alone, this really saddens me. The next time someone asks if I’m dating anyone special’- I’ll reply yes I am – myself!
Gee, a kindred spirit. Being single and in my 50′s, I still get the question(s). My parents were continually at war. It was horrible and it was nothing I wanted. So marriage has always been a non-event with me. I always had my own money so I didn’t need to get married. I’ve had my share of relationships and I have no regrets. I love to travel alone and I like to have fun. When I’m alone, it’s because I choose to be. What I really want is to go to camp this summer, like kids do. I want to play dodgeball and Red Rover and play volleyball in the water and make a wicked clay ashtray! I’m not sure there’s another living soul who thinks like I do and that’s OK.
I personally like the idea of marriage with a 5 year renewable contract
1. Should marriage be a forever thing?
NO!
2. Are we ‘built’ for long-term relationships, are we more suited to a series of shorter-term relationships, or, is it different for different people?
Different for different people.
3. Should people stay in love-less, joy-less marriages if that’s what their religion demands? A miserable time on earth in exchange for a joyous eternity perhaps?
Exactly. Unhealthy too. Murder/suicide is often opted when in that position….
4. Is it healthy or unhealthy to have marriage as a ‘goal’?
It’s nice to think about it, but I don’t believe you should hope for it too much, because a let-down is a b*tch.
5. If you could teach me one thing you’ve learned about marriage, what would it be?
Stay unmarried, like me!
6. Other thoughts, ideas, advice?
If your mother still wants to be called grandma, I suggest adoption:D.
Marriage is the norm but not everyone gets married. There are some fulfilled singles. They are not gay, not weird and certainly not abnormal. Because we all die does not mean we stop living. Because a marriage hits the rocks does not mean we stop marrying. People should stop thinking about marriage and start thinking and finding someone they will commit to living with for the rest of their lives. Those who are not prepared to commit themselves to the one they decide to marry for better or for worse are not suitable for marriage. That is why everyone needs to know what a marriage entails before they get married. Many marriages that result in divorce could have been saved. When I hear divorcees say “Oh, we’re still good friends,” that’s hypocritical and weird. If they can be good friends after their marriage why couldn’t they have been good friends in their marriage? A marriage requires real sacrificial love not just romantic love. People are too selfish today.
1. Should marriage be a forever thing? I believe that marriage as an instituition was meant to be a forever partnership, but society and values have changed over the years and the idea that every marriage will last forever and always is now just a myth in a fairy tale that many may wish to believe in, but realistically should be considered.
2. Are we ‘built’ for long-term relationships, are we more suited to a series of shorter-term relationships, or, is it different for different people? Unfortunately, I think it is different for different people, and I say unfortunately because too many times men and women who have different views of marriage will hook up and instead of being honest about those views, will say whatever the other wants them to. Honesty is hard to come by these days, and when we say we want that, we should be ready for the consequences of that simple little phrase.
3. Should people stay in love-less, joy-less marriages if that’s what their religion demands? A miserable time on earth in exchange for a joyous eternity perhaps? This is a difficult question for me because my faith does lead me to believe that divorce is not an option. My belief is that if both people are of the same mindset and want to work and find that spark that led them to get married, then it would no longer be a love-less, joy-less marriage. However, I also do not think that is possible without God. (no judgement on anyone, just how I feel about this). Our creator is able to help in so many situations and as you grow closer to him, you also grow closer to each other. I do not see a love-less marriage in a couple who is willing to work together and trust their faith to keep them strong.
4. Is it healthy or unhealthy to have marriage as a ‘goal’? I would not say it is either. Each person is different and if they are not meant to marry, how can we say they should be. Some people are better suited to be alone and will do their best work because of it. Not to say that they will not ever marry, because perhaps their purpose cannot be fulfilled if they are distracted by someone else in their lives, and once that purpose is fulfilled they will have more time to spend on another person.
5. If you could teach me one thing you’ve learned about marriage, what would it be? It is not easy, no matter how much you love someone. I hear all the time that marriage should not ‘be this much work’. Why not? We are two people coming together from completely different backgrounds, beliefs, values and here we are trying to build a life together that satisfies both of our wants, needs and desires. It takes work, it takes responsibility, and for me above all else, it takes faith.
6. Other thoughts, ideas, advice? I wish you the best of luck in your search, or non-search, as it may be. You are helping so many people and have made a success of yourself without being married. It is not always true that behind every great man is a woman, and vice versa. I wish you all the happiness you are able to achieve, with or without a spouse. Take care and God bless!
1. Should marriage be a forever thing?
This is completely relative. It should be a forever thing, if it works. It should end, if it doesn’t. “But what about the kids” , “what will the community think”, “what if I never find someone else” , ” Dating just may be more exhausting then this actual marriage”– IT DOES NOT MATTER. If it’s not working, then you are unhappy. Period. And when you are unhappy, typically, the people around you will become unhappy, i.e. your children. Then, you have a home full of unhappy kids, an unhappy spouse, and an unhappy you. Is that arguable?
2. Are we ‘built’ for long-term relationships, are we more suited to a series of shorter-term relationships, or, is it different for different people?
I truly believe we are ‘built’ for both. Relationships are chapters and paragraphs throughout our lives. Most of them come and go (I’m talking any relationships- friends, teachers, bosses, spouses, whatever). As humans, we want to learn, grow, get better, and that is the place where we are ultimately happy. And it’s very possible someone might get those results from creating constant new relationships; learning from each one and moving on to the next. But, I believe there are people in the world that will care about you unconditionally, and will share your beliefs and values on a level that you will never want to let that relationship leave your life.
3. Should people stay in love-less, joy-less marriages if that’s what their religion demands? A miserable time on earth in exchange for a joyous eternity perhaps?
I love this question because I grew up around the concept of dating for only weeks before marriage/arranged marriages. I personally think it’s a no-go
However, I’ve seen it work and I’ve seen it fail. If it in-fact STAYS love-less and joy-less, as stated before, this is a “little” red flag, that you should get out of that relationship. BUT I also know people who feel so strongly about their religion and about their religious community, that if they were to get out of their “miserable” marriage, they would in fact be even more unhappy being rejected by a community or feeling guilty because of God over their misery in their marriage…
4. Is it healthy or unhealthy to have marriage as a ‘goal’?
YES. Having marriage as your goal is unhealthy. This leads to settling and allowing your happiness to become dependent on finding a life partner. I DO believe that having a goal such as, finding someone to share your life with that will make you HAPPY and enhance your life experience, is in fact a healthy goal
5. If you could teach me one thing you’ve learned about marriage, what would it be?
Never being married, I can’t share from my own experience, but from observing and my close friends from walking down the aisle to having their first kids, I see that marriage is in fact a completely unique relationship apart from anything else. But just like you always say Craig, doing and action is what takes you places. And there is definitely work and doing and taking action involved, to experience that picture perfect marriage that we all want….
I loved this post and totally agree! I am a 34 year old female, single, and happy! Like you say, I won’t rule marriage or a relationship out but I don’t see it as the be all and end all to life. If I meet the right person maybe I will consider it, I haven’t yet and why would I give up my independence for second best just so I can get married and satisfy society’s expectations? What I get tired with most is other people’s attitudes and constant comments. They can’t believe you can be single and happy or have a full life – I do. I am fed up of being made to feel less of a woman simply because I am not married and have no children. I think in fact we should be congratulated for not over populating the world.
If people are happy being married and having children, good for them but as you say why do people feel the need to push their views on others?
I am not anti children either which is often how childless women are seen. I’ve worked in childcare and like children but right now have no desire to have any of my own.
I am not lonely or anti marriage. I have a very full happy life with wonderful friends. I am not less of a woman just because I am singe with no children.
What intrigues me more is the way that ‘marriage and kids’ is strung together like ‘gin and tonic’.
I like the idea of marriage, but I decided long ago that I didn’t want kids.
For me one does not inveitably follow the other. Though there are a lot of people who will never understand that this decision is central to my happiness.
Society doesn’t like it’s norms to be challenged. People tend to view these kind of decisions as a personal affront.
Plus I think lot of parents (and probably married people for that matter) need the collusion of society to keep themselves persuaded that they made the right choice…with kids its irreversible.
Great Post!
All big questions. So many variables. I’ll just concentrate on the first. Marriage can only be a forever thing where there is good communication mutual respect. If you lose those key ingredients you lose everything that is good about being a couple. Of course there are other things that are important to any union – but good communication and respect are at the top of my list.
Having been there and done that, my best advice is to stay where you are happy. If that is being single – then stay single – if that’s in a committed relationship then stay in the relationship. Being happy is the key and if you are miserable then it’s time to reassess and identify what truly makes you happy and what you can do to remedy the situation.
A friend once told me “If the relationship feels good, keep it – if it stops feeling good – fix it or leave – life is too short to be unhappy”
Also, don’t be pressured by anyone to “Get Married” – it’s only a piece of paper and it can be very expensive to get in to and much more expensive to get out of. I’m not anti – marriage, it works well for many people, I just believe that people should not be pressured to marry to fit in with family or societal expectations.
I think “common law marriage” is on the rise for good reason – it is a commitment but is not recognised by state or federal laws. If you choose to part ways down the road it can be done more amicably without involvement from the government or costly court room battles – avoiding the “who did what to whom” scenario.
Just my 2 cents worth!
Dear Craig,
As a married mother of 5 (3 biological, 2 step) one would consider that I would run from hill to hill screaming the wonders of marriage and bliss and fairytales and so forth. However, I am not sure that marriage is for everyone, and I am absolutely sure that marriage has nothing to do with being happy (I think that stems from finding yourself and learning to love who and what you are).
Maybe that is the problem, so many people couple it with happiness that I think they forget it is about partnership, something like a business relationship were people commit to certain ideas, and while love is apart of it – and yes, it absolutely should be – or it becomes even harder, it is not the ultimate part of it – and I am (quite frankly) tired of movies and books implying that it is.
Especially the 2 people and 2.5 kids part of it, since there is really no such thing as a half kid. I can’t tell you how many family vacations we have not gone on because the advertisers made sure that family meant 4 or less – don’t they know that if they threw business to more large families that they would get more business??? I digress…(sorry about the soapbox).
I am sure my answer is not going to be a popular one, but I have been married twice, my first husband used his hands to say what he had to say and I used to my feet to say good-bye. I was surprised at how many people verbally abused me for not being willing to take the abuse because I chose to marry him (prior to the abuse I might add). I had a woman tell me she put up with cheating, lying and domestic violence for 17 years, and that is what being a wife was based on the Bible. I have never read that part of the Bible, can’t find it, and it was not apart of my vows, so I felt comfortable enough in myself to let her delusion be only her delusion.
And while I love my second husband, I find myself more impressed at the life I watch my daughter lead when it comes to the males in her life. She is ok with an emotional connection, but when she finds that he is not going to turn out to be someone that makes her happy, she calls an end to it – WOW! What freedom!
Now, I am not pushing for a divorce, I am just trying to say something that most people who are married are scared to say – and after talking to a large number of women my age who are married, depressed, LONELY, HURT, unhappy and strapped to the notion that a marriage is like the crap we see in romantic movies, I am more then ready to address this issue, with frankness.
I made a vow to love, cherish, honor, and uphold my spouse, until death did us part. I knew that at times he would break my heart and I his, and I prayed that neither of us would hurt the other by sleeping with someone else. I talked about good times and bad,but my minister never said happiness. Happiness is an option that we can choose to have or not and we can have it weather married, single, hermit, regardless of sexual orientation, gender, or race.
I consider your idea of if humans can love for a lifetime, and I kind think (though obviously I have had other partners so I can’t be sure) that it might be easier to do that if you have only had one partner in your entire lifetime. But only a person who has only had one partner can speak to that. I have found that most times, I struggle to forgive my spouses humanity and often consider the worth and value of it. I then think about my commitment to him, and go back and figure out how to make it work.
I don’t stay married for my kids, because one day they will be off on their own and I will be left with the man I chose (all the reason to choose wisely if marriage is your choice).
I applaud your singleness! I hope that if you ever do choose to take on marriage it is your own way, for your own reasons and without pressure from the one(s) you love.
My ultimate advice: None – I mean really, how can a married woman really give advice to a single man???
Your’s
A new blog reader!
Hi My Simple .02 – loved your thoughts – thanks for taking the time!
I’m going over a couple of older posts, having a mini solo self development session. Thanks
In 3 days time I celebrate being married for 9 years. (We were together for 7 years prior) I’m sitting here wondering where the hell did I go wrong. I’ve never been so miserable in my life. But I already know the answer to that.
When we started going out he was exactly what I needed at the time. (after 2 bad relationships – & 1 was VERY bad) I had low self esteem, low self worth, I don’t think I knew what I wanted, I think I may have even lost myself. Then he comes along doing the whole knight in shining armor, perfect gentleman, how can a girl not get swept off her feet. He even ended up being my ticket out of my small home town.
You know in 16 years together we have never had any common interests, except the odd TV show (but I’m not obessive about TV) & some music tastes (& I listen to almost anything with a beat).
Yesterday I caught myself thinking that a ex & I had more common interests than my hubby & I. (But he is my EX for a reason that trumps all his good qualities – so don’t worry I’m not going back there).
I’ve had 2 main interests in the time I’ve been with my hubby & he hasn’t supported either of them. After 15 years it’s beginning to hurt, yes he knows that & I’m the bad wife for not putting him first anymore. (I put fitness/health (triathlon training) & my new job (I’m still on trial) first)
Timing has alot to do with success & failure of lots of things including marriage.
1. Should marriage be a forever thing?
I think the word should has a lot of pressure on it. If you change the word should to can. Then I’ll say yes. IF both parties, are fully aware of who they are & what they stand for.
I read somewhere that you only marry the wrong person if you treat them like they are the wrong person.
2. Are we ‘built’ for long-term relationships, are we more suited to a series of shorter-term relationships, or, is it different for different people?
It depends on the person(s).
3. Should people stay in love-less, joy-less marriages if that’s what their religion demands? A miserable time on earth in exchange for a joyous eternity perhaps?
I’m not religious so don’t understand the additional pressure that would create for someone. I can only imagine a living hell that person would go through.
However loveless & joyless marriages can be very lonely, more so than being alone.
4. Is it healthy or unhealthy to have marriage as a ‘goal’?
No, I don’t believe it’s heathly.
5. If you could teach me one thing you’ve learned about marriage, what would it be?
I think timing is everything. For better or worse.
6. Other thoughts, ideas, advice?
They say to marry your best friend. I’m not sure about that. My best friend & I are not very alike at all. But she supports me in whatever I do & I support her. We are there for each other when we are needed & cheer & encourage each other. I still wouldn’t marry her though (aside from the whole I’m not into chicks thing), as we have different interests, values & beliefs. I don’t even think I could live with her.
You need to know who you are as far as values & beliefs go & marry someone who has the same.
I agree so much with this article. I got married because I thought that is what you do. Or is it? My wife walked out two years later and stomped me into the ground. Looking back, I see that it was totally the wrong thing to do but I did what I thought was the next step in life. I am not against marriage either but when it comes down to it, I don’t see it as a high priority either. Being a Christian, marriage means till death do us part so if I am going to marry someone, it means for good. I don’t like the idea of being in a loveless marriage but at the same time, I think that everything can be worked through if you really want it to. I would have liked to work it out with my wife (ex) but she had different ideas. Maybe one day I will get married again. Till that day (if it ever happens), I am going to make my own decisions as to what I want.
I am going to decide whether marriage is good for me.
I am going to decide not to eat meat.
I am going to decide what I work as.
I am going to decide whether to travel.
I am going to decide whether to masturbate or not.
I am going to decide.
We have the ability to choose so it is about time that we stopped listening to others who just follow tradition and be real to ourselves.
Choice is the only thing that is free. It is our actions that cost.
Cheers
Murray
Hello, I’m a random, married Finnish person with two cents to offer!
1. We humans don’t have the ability to see the future – things tend to change a lot, and life goes on. There’s no good reason not to simply define a marriage as something that’s worth keeping for as long as the relationship is meaningful.
2. People are different, with different needs and different priorities. We’re not “built” for anything – we’re really diverse, and for the first time in history we’re in a situation where we could start giving people more freedom to choose what suits them the best, without forcing everyone in one mold or another.
3. Hell no! Suffering is not holy, misery is not blessed, and have you ever met people who’ve spent a lifetime in an unhappy relationship? There is -nothing-, in or out of the world, to heal those scars. It’s a terrible tragedy to behold, and by now we as a culture should be beyond forcing people in that appalling state of mutual hell.
4.In my opinion, not really. As an odd paradox, the more desperately one wants to get into a relationship, the less likely they are to get in one. Their time would be better spent figuring out -why- they need to get married so desperately. Often it seems to be a matter of “but that’s what people -do-” instead of anything healthier.
5. A lot of guides always tell you to “communicate”, without defining what that means – it’s become a mantra instead of advice. Most think it means you need to talk about your problems, and sure that’s a part of it, but a lot of folks forget to listen to the other person talking about -their- problems. Communication is a two-way interaction, and it doesn’t limit itself to words either. Your actions are also communication, and speak louder than words.
6. A marriage will fail (either through a long, joyless, loveless journey to misery or by a painful divorce) unless those involved trust each other implicitly, and are mature enough to solve problems instead of compounding them. There’s a lot of practical advice, but one of the more important ones is to know that most arguments in a relationship stem from plain old misunderstanding. Simply clarifying what you mean can smooth things before they ever raise anyone’s temper.
I want to find one person to grow old with who I deeply care about and respect and love rolling around bed with…lol…
Problem is in finding a person on the same wavelength, who grows in the same direction, at the same speed as you do FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Heehhhee..still can’t get over the teeny-weeny peeny bit….as opposed to those guys who stuff socks down there….I dunno, people love coupledom. It’s nice to navigate pooville with someone if they “get it” with you. I think its historical and hysterical that gals have a tougher time at singledom.. “the old maid”, “left on the shelf” ..I used to have a music agency where I had to go out and check on venues, see if music was okay…ya know that kinda deal. If I sat on my own, and that was very often..(business is business) the amount of people who would say…cmon join us… don’t be shy…or
are you ok? (the assumption was that someone stood me up) or would you like us to join you? That was a no, no, no and no. It seemed odd to them. I could feel the sympathy dripping from their pores…heh heh..poor girl… all alone in a big bad nightclub..she needs protecting… Even in my own venue…just takin care of business… some poor sap (told you I was old…people don’t use the word sap anymore) would try and pick up..(as if being alone was an open invitation) until a very astute and cute waiter would say…”no man…don’t…she’s the boss”… Remember the sock solution…I’m not saying you want it to work… perhaps someone reading might….
Have a great one!
“After all, my goal is neither marriage nor single-ness: it’s happiness. If that turns out to be happily married or happily single, that’s okay.”
this is great, this is exactly my thoughts…it doesn’t need to be one or the other…
I am happy Craig is not married. It means he can spend more time with his website, business and well… us.
I am so selfish.
Stay single Craig, it is working for me.
Interesting debate, its all down to ones personal taste I expect – like anything in life its not one size fits all!
Awesome. I used to think of marriage as a goal. but I was young and romantic. now I kind of wonder what all the young people are in such a hurry for? really, how long do we live for these days… 80..90 years? ok, if we believe in “soulmates” who says we are going to meet them when we are 18yrs old???? isn’t it possible that the first half of our lives is for having fun.. experimenting… fooling around so to speak? whats wrong with meeting your soulmate at 40..50 even? Thats still another 30-40years to spend with someone presumming you are both in good health. maybe thats whats wrong with marriage. people get married before they are old enough or mature enough to really KNOW what real love is… they think as young people do (or anyone under 35) that lust, infatuation, crushes… are the “real deal”. Maybe it should be law that if you are willing compromise yourself or your beliefs for another person then you are not ready to marry. Only when you are mature enough to be yourself… and like yourself.. without seeking the approval of others, or more importantly a spouse, are you ready to marry. I think thats the problem with with marriage.. too many couples and not enough individuals.
Life is about learning to love. Unconditionally. I used to believe that being married forever was the indicator of that eternal love. After two marriages, I now know that unconditional love is the constant…it is eternal…and it is a worthwhile process to aspire to. It is a process of learning, of accepting, of letting go. I understand that learning to love myself unconditionally is the end game. Marriage is a valid symbol of that. It is an excellent choice for people to learn unconditional love this life. If it works that way for them. All power to free choice, and the learning that inspires us along the way. Facebook does not allow one to “be in a relationship” with oneself. (I tried it!) Perhaps this is a sign of our current core values, where people are looking outside themselves for love and acceptance instead of commencing that journey inside and working it out.
Congratulations for staying single and there will be many more in the future. The main reason people stay single is because marriage is not taking lightly. They do not think of all the glitz and glamour they will have for one day only, they focus on the whole package deal. Many people, today are also more intelligent and they know its their mind that needs to be stimulated not whats below the belt line. Too much emphasis is put on marriage when in actual fact, you are signing a contract that states, I no longer own anything. For many it gets even worse, because they are admitting to spending the rest of their lives looking at a face they may not even really love but will marrying because its the right thing to do. If two people hate each other enough, then marriage becomes more like a life time sentence which ends up in divorced and the kids are often on something along the lines of prozac. Marriage is no bed or roses and it isnt for everyone. Strong minded confident people especially, have difficulties finding a spouse, because they intimidate others. Intimidation comes from knowing what you want. Also if you have respect for your body and sex is not the only thing on your agenda you can bet your life, you may be single for some time yet taking into account how people are being educated and brain washed today. If you are single, enjoy it, because there is nothing better than spending time with yourself and getting to know who you are instead of someone else telling you what they think you are or should be! Very few people really know or want to know themselves and they are often the first to get married, know it was a mistake, stick it out anyway, and discuss everyone elses status.
Its ok for some people to say, I use to agree to most but now Iv met someone I would love to marry, hes married but separated, weve been together a year soon, yes, i did fall in love that quickly even tho shes
(the wife – seperated,BUT NOW SHE IS engaged to some-one else
) already . its just not how u imagine it to be when your younger, oh well, I guess Its never gonna happen for me, shame but what can I do, I am confused only to why other people meet someone and get married but not me,thats what I want b she wont letit happen I want iv always said no , and now I know it will never happen for for me.
I personally can see the pro’s and cons having lived out of All of the Baskets. Being in a 9 yr relationship, 7 years married. Then a 6 year relationship where I was engaged 4 times and still didn’t take the plunge and now single for nearly two years and enjoying what that has to offer and the lessons it holds.. I think this has a little something for everyone to relate to!
thanks for Sharing your humerus point of View on the Subject!
Craig not sure how I got to this page, but the journey was worth
it : )
Definitely one of the most honest rants I have heard in a long time.
Back on the dating round in my forties is kind of torturous in the amount of game playing and guess my real agenda stuff that goes on. If your up front and honest, your seen as needy and lacking mystery, and if you enter the game zone…..you find 8 months later he is still stuck playing games with you…you walk/run out of there, suddenly he wants you again…WTF !! Excuse me.
Totally get the direction you have chosen….Happiness first …..the bliss of it……be it single or married…. By the way…Can a man ever greet me at the end of my day as well as my dogs can ??? They just love you because you are YOU !! Pretty smart really : )
Ahhh marriage … I have successfully ducked and dodged, tucked and rolled from that trap. Not sure how the heck I got here reading about it … but I like what you say Craig, you got the right idea!
Marriage if you think about it, is really just another term for a relationship, a long term one with complicated legal implications. Pain in the a** really. Society has shoved the institution of marriage down our throats as the only normal way, and frankly they sacrificed happiness for it. I have seen so many of my friends start a marriage with a strong relationship, years old, only to have said marriage crumble. The very word marriage changes the expectations of the relationship and thus the very core of the relationship itself.
My partner and I wake up every day for the last 20 years and make a conscious decision to be together and to take together what comes our way. We do not see ourselves as common-law, we wont benefit muchly from being married in the legal and tax sense, we are not religious … but you know something, since the age of 16 years, we have been making it work, I know he’s here cause he WANTS to be and same for me, its not cause he HAS to be here. You could say we are married, but I might bite your head off and give it to the old man for soccer practice. Together we have choosen the state of happiness, not the state of married.
Question: What does unconditional love feel like? (Like from a guy perspective).
I know what it feels like as a Mum with my children and family and friends.
I visualise to have someone love me/me them “without condition or reservation.”
That is to “give love” without any physical, emotional, and especially moral judgments.
Am I delusional?
Just asked husband of 34 years for you.
He said he doesn’t know! This may well be the topic of conversation whilst he is trying to sleep tonite.
However he does not verbalise judgments be they physical,moral or emotional. This of course could explain why we are still married and he remains alive!
I think guys and girls feel things differently not less or more just different. Does that help?
Thanks Chebbieanne you make me laugh….wow husband of 34 years – you rock !!! .yeah us girls feel things differently
strange creatures those boys….
And it was lovely to meet you a while ago at ‘The Spare Room’
Take Care
Fi xx
Lovely meeting you too Fi. Remember boys are simple in many ways – simple needs, simple pleasures and simple thoughts. My simple guidelines are rules, boundaries and limitations.
I used to wonder if long-term marriage was for me. I hadn’t been lucky in relationships when I was young. Then I began praying about it and asking God. I know that might not work for all, but it did me. In my 30s a man I was working with asked me out, I nearly said no, but then decided to say yes. Best thing I ever did. We married two years later, blending our families totally 5 daughters. We just celebrated our 20th anniversary last month and are looking forward to the next 20 years or more. Whatever God gives us. Love is beautiful when it really exists.
Hey Craig,
I read this article last year and I am surprised by some of the comments your have since received – especially the comment from a reader that basically said that you didn’t have a perspective that was valid. I take firm issue with that line of thinking. What I read was you expressing your right not to be questioned about being who you are. You have a job, your male and you are single – and because of that people assume things that have nothing to do with the facts at hand. They presume that something is wrong with you if you are either not searching for what they believe is right or if you don’t have it or hadn’t expressed a particular point of view on it.
Because I am married, I would like to use a different experience to share. A friend found out that I send my kids to summer school over the summer. This friend would go into debt every summer to take her kids to Disney or on Cruise Liners or to Hawaii. She was absolutely upset, “How could I?” “Didn’t I believe that kids deserved a break?” “Didn’t I care about their mental health?” “Shouldn’t I be finding money to spend on lavish vacations and showing them the world or helping them to experience anything outside of the four school walls?”
I hadn’t shared that my kids attend summer school to change her perspective on what she did with her kids over the summer, I was simply stating a fact, that my kids attend summer school.
She asked me “Why?” But before I could explain, she had already determined what a proper answer should have been. And it seemed to her that I was a BAD mother for NOT taking my kids to things that in her opinion defined what being a kid (including how kids have fun) was all about.
I have felt judgment before, but this was especially memorable to me.
I haven’t done much in my life in the traditional way. I have suffered the impact of being sad and single and the impacts of being happy and single (cause there are impacts – because people are sometimes relentless), and I have been in bad marriage and good marriage. And all with what feels like a huge list of side talkers (kind of like having a passenger in the car who tells you how to drive it).
I commend you on writing about this particular situation. And I can see from all the writers that people have a lot of experience with being in the same position and from my perspective that one writer who spoke out with such distaste before, it only serves as proof of the thing you originally wrote about.
Have a great day!
LOVED this post. Love the way you write and the personality that comes through. This is the kind of writing that gets my attention – and it takes a LOT to get my attention. So I just needed a laugh. And you gave it to me. Sorry I don’t have any deep thoughts on marriage. I took the plunge. I don’t regret it. And I don’t spend the remainder of my sentence (I mean journey) convincing others they should take the plunge too. I guess I just don’t care what my neighbor does. I’m sharing this post right now on my blog: http://www.motivational-speaker-review.com. Thanks for the post. Keep writing. You’re great. (Not that you need my encouragement)
Another request to have a link to this post put on a biz card on your web store – sck to a death of having to verbalise…sheesh :-/
SymoneinOz
First of al I love this article. I for one have been divorced for 14 years. Every serious relationship and there were only 3, wanted marriage. Im am in a commited relationship now, and he wants marriage. Now my thought on this is, Its a wonderful thought and I am open to it, but i never made it my goal. Ever. I never made it my goal to even be in a relaitonship. I am believer in letting things happen as they will. Goals are ok, but to me its more, traditional . I believe it takes more than 1, 2 3, 4 years to know someone, i also believe living with that person is alot different than dating and spending hours and days upon days together…so in answer to your questions here is my own opinion.
1. Should marriage be a forever thing? Nothing is forever, promises get broken, but teh promise to try and keep it forever is important. People change, unfortunately, or people rush in. Its a beautiful thing to say it should be forever and i for one would do my utmost to keep that. But i wouldnt stay in a loveless unhealthy relationship either.
2. Are we ‘built’ for long-term relationships, are we more suited to a series of shorter-term relationships, or, is it different for different people? Some of us are and some of us arent. I see more people break up ,, get back together and break up again for years.. Whats the point to this? Move on.
3. Should people stay in love-less, joy-less marriages if that’s what their religion demands? A miserable time on earth in exchange for a joyous eternity perhaps? Absolutely NOT.
4. Is it healthy or unhealthy to have marriage as a ‘goal’? I believe it is up to the individual, we are all different. Just be smart about it.
5. If you could teach me one thing you’ve learned about marriage, what would it be? Wait…….as long as you need….if you lose that person becasue you wait, then its not meant to be right. Dont marry young, wait, grow up, take care of yourself first, find who you are, take your time…get to know that person because you will be living , eating, sleeping, breathing that person, sharing everything (lets hope). Thats not easy and if it is then you found your perfect mate
6. Other thoughts, ideas, advice?
I think your articel said alot. I could go on and on about this topic. I htink I said alot!
I wonder Craig, if you’ve unconsciously taken on your parents issues and are afraid to commit. I don’t want to date guys from divorced families anymore, they seem to believe relationships are extendable and have less faith and role models in resolving issues and planning for the future and also bringing up stuff. I personally believe in the fairy tale and hope for that for myself. I know there are no guarantees but I met a guy from an African country. They have different issues to the west. His dad was polygamous and it screwed his family however he has traditional beliefs about commitment and virtuousness. There culture also mentions the work of marriage much more and the spiritual side.
I was so moved by their faith and religion I feel I want to save myself and make a life with him. He inspires me. Of course we’ve had great conflicts and we are taking our time but it is lovely to have something to aspire to and a standard to uphold which in modern Western society seems to be eroding in favour of moods and freedom of choice. It’s each person’s choice but I believe in life commitment and therefore maybe have attracted opportunity to find love several times and hope that I will get there soon.