Lessons on the Freeway
Like many of you, I went to see my mum for Mother’s Day. Being as it was an awesome day here in Victoria, I decided to ride my motorbike. It’s a two-hour trip (each way) and I figured that there’s nothing better than a little fresh autumn air, sunshine and horsepower between my legs before winter sets in. Stop it. Juveniles. Once the cold and wet arrives I (mostly) restrict myself to the (boring) confines of the car.
So there I was, cruising along the freeway at 110 kph (70mph) on my big, comfortable Suzuki, complete with the electric (up/down) screen to deflect wind and rain, full-face helmet (which covers the entire head, including face), waterproof jacket (with body-armour inserts) and waterproof gloves, when a guy on a Harley passes me doing around 120 kph (75 mph). Gotta say, he looked much cooler than me. Complete with open-face helmet (no face protection), a pair of teeny tiny sunglasses, no gloves, no screen (to deflect wind), some ripped jeans and an old leather jacket (not waterproof) with his gang symbol on the back. He probably thought I was just another big tosser on a Japanese bike.
He may have been right.
Commitment to the Cause
With the wind nearly blasting his head off (courtesy of his open-face helmet) , the cold giving him frostbite on his fingers, face and knees and the combined noise of a Harley with shotgun exhaust pipes (that means loud!!) and an open-face helmet at 120 kph deafening him, I had to respect his commitment to his gang, the uniform and the code. The code that says: no synthetic blue jackets with body armour (they are for sissies like me), no full-face helmets (also for girly-men) and gloves are only to be worn in snowstorms. The code that says, ‘this is our uniform’. Looking at his contorted face (courtesy of the wind) as he flew by, I began to think about the way we humans love to belong and the price we’re prepared to pay for that membership. To our gang. Our group. Our church. Our click. Our team. To something bigger than us.
The Cost of Membership
But what I really pondered as I cruised along (it was a long ride) was whether belonging was more likely to be a positive or a negative in our lives over the long term. Is it always good to belong? When isn’t it? What compels so many of us to ‘join’?
Part of it is that we’re social creatures, and on a level, we love being in a ‘family’. However, sometimes in our efforts to belong, we compromise our values and beliefs, we lie to ourselves and we do anything we can to be accepted. Belonging (to something) can make us feel better about ourselves. If only for a while. It can also make us feel trapped. Sometimes being a member of a group means security. Sometimes it means pressure. Sometimes it means ‘keeping up’, conforming and ticking the boxes. Sometimes belonging to a group can define us. It can also be where we lose ourselves. Sometimes in an effort to find ourselves we actually become a clone of others.
Many people want to belong to something, no matter what. The thought of not belonging terrifies them. Somewhere and somehow they have learned that they’re not good enough, worthy enough or valuable enough on their own. They’re deficient unless they’re part of a collective.
I’m not against belonging to a group (I’ve been involved in many) but I think once we all start to look, sound, walk and talk the same, alarm bells should ring. I don’t think my purpose is to be a replica, cyborg or mouthpiece for someone else’s ideas, message or mission. I think my purpose is to live a life in alignment with my core values. Whatever that means and whatever that requires.
If you belong to a group and you can honestly say that your life is better for the ‘membership’, then my advice would be to stay. If your membership (involvement in, or obligation to, the group) means something not quite so positive, then maybe it’s time for you to discover who you are beyond the group identity, the collective mindset, the gang rules and the weight of expectation.
It might just be the most liberating and empowering thing you ever do.
You’re welcome. 
Some Discussion Questions:
1. Have you ever ‘lost yourself’ in a gang?
2. Have you ever lost a friend or family member? (no naming of specific groups please)
3. Are you a member of a gang that makes your world a better place?
4. What should we consider when we’re thinking of joining a gang?
5. What advice do you have for people who feel stuck (trapped) in a gang (situation, group, organisation)?
* Feel free to answer as many or as few as you like. Or… just add your general thoughts on the post. :)
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This is my first read of your terrific website. I dont think there was ever a time in my life where I felt like I belonged. Now, I have come to terms with it and embraced my differences.
When we let go of the need to belong and stop seeking validation, life becomes more enjoyable.
[...] Which Gang Do You Belong To? [...]
Alarm bells ring…I’ve got brown eyes not blue, I’ve got brown hair not blonde….so where do I belong? I like Jazz, yet find myself occassionally listening to hard rock. I like speed yet I hate careless drivers. Where does that put me?
I’ve watched family torn apart by “being part of a gang” steeling and drugs. I’ve watched other family help rebuild. We can survive by being alone yet is being part of a group/gang/organisation just part of our own insecurities?
I must say I’ve felt some aspect of conforming quite silly really. I can’t explain yet it seems when I look around we are all part one! So why not just be ourself. – Sorry I’ve been a bit cryptic x
We need to learn to accept each other for who we are, limitations and all. This gives us the chance to help each other without letting pride get in the way.
[...] Which Gang Do You Belong To? [...]
I’m going to use the term gang to refer to any social group to which a person can belong, officially or not, through initiation or not. The definition is even broad enough to include religions, though I won’t talk about religion.
1. Have you ever ‘lost yourself’ in a gang?
Being a computer programming, decidedly non-Alpha male, who played with dice during school lunch with my pals… yes.
Surprisingly, I had more power among my peers when I felt the least significant. I was the trend setter who figured out what games were fun to play, who included others without prejudice, and who got all the girls… but was too nerdy to realize that he had a chance with any of the girls.
When I set out to try to find myself, to be an “individual,” I turned to the Goth scene. No, drugs weren’t a part of my life, then or at any time. In trying to be an individual, I just copied everyone else, and alienated some of my better friends.
To try to fit in with the programmer class, I tried growing my hair long and tried growing a full beard… My wife said no, so I settled for a goatee. I’ll say, facial hair is a pain. More of a pain than shaving daily with a dull razor.
There were other groups that are more socially acceptable to belong to, that I decided hurt me in the long run, but I’m already on the fifth paragraph of answering the first question, so I’ll cut off here.
2. Have you ever lost a friend or family member? (no naming of specific groups please)
Due to my involvement with a group? Yes.
Due to their involvement with a group? Yes, after I had left that group we had in common.
3. Are you a member of a gang that makes your world a better place?
I suppose… I’m a vocal supporter for Hackers for Charity, a group that helps charities by volunteering technical skills, and that is pushing hard to “hack” education in Africa for the better. (Our “gang signs” are syn/ack)
4. What should we consider when we’re thinking of joining a gang?
Is the group more concerned with making its members feel superior to other people, or is it concerned with helping others outside of the group? (Are they “masters” or “servants”?)
I’ve found that while being told how awesome you are for being “one of us” may feel good in the short term, it’s really meaningless. It’s better to prove your self worth through clear, demonstrable achievements, than through wearing a certain color of hat, a piece of jewelry, or walking through a door at a certain time of day or day of week.
5. What advice do you have for people who feel stuck (trapped) in a gang (situation, group, organisation)?
Find out what the Ego is, in terms of human and societal evolution, its need to identify the person through external influences, and its tendency to tear other people down in order to increase your sense of self-worth.
Don’t just quit the group cold-turkey, or you’ll just find another group that feeds off of the same emotions; take time to identify your ego-centered behaviors, and find out who you really are when you take away the car, the house, the clubs, the job, or whatever else is temporary.
My philosophy is that I am (obviously) not my car… nor is my car me. It’s simply the vehicle I use to travel around in. I am not my job… my job does not define me. My job is simply a way that I can be creative and practice my personal development skills, all while getting paid, so that my body can have a bed, food, water, and I can buy diversions when I just don’t want to be responsible. My wife doesn’t define me… she’s way too busy being her own person. My body doesn’t define me; it is temporary, will eventually break down and cease to exist… I care for it, because the longer it is in good shape, the more enjoyment I can get from it, but the fleshy bits aren’t me. My thoughts aren’t me… thoughts come and go, thoughts can be based on incorrect information (just look at an optical illusion: the tricks aren’t in the eye, they’re in the mind)… so it would be foolish to base my sense of self on my thoughts.
My sense of self is in the fact that I can observe. As long as I exist, in whatever form I may find myself in, I will be conscious, and so I am that consciousness, and nothing can diminish that. Because of that fact, I don’t need things, groups, events, awards, recognition, etc., to feel good about myself… I can just do what gives me joy.
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