Lessons on the Freeway
Like many of you, I went to see my mum for Mother’s Day. Being as it was an awesome day here in Victoria, I decided to ride my motorbike. It’s a two-hour trip (each way) and I figured that there’s nothing better than a little fresh autumn air, sunshine and horsepower between my legs before winter sets in. Stop it. Juveniles. Once the cold and wet arrives I (mostly) restrict myself to the (boring) confines of the car.
So there I was, cruising along the freeway at 110 kph (70mph) on my big, comfortable Suzuki, complete with the electric (up/down) screen to deflect wind and rain, full-face helmet (which covers the entire head, including face), waterproof jacket (with body-armour inserts) and waterproof gloves, when a guy on a Harley passes me doing around 120 kph (75 mph). Gotta say, he looked much cooler than me. Complete with open-face helmet (no face protection), a pair of teeny tiny sunglasses, no gloves, no screen (to deflect wind), some ripped jeans and an old leather jacket (not waterproof) with his gang symbol on the back. He probably thought I was just another big tosser on a Japanese bike.
He may have been right.
Commitment to the Cause
With the wind nearly blasting his head off (courtesy of his open-face helmet) , the cold giving him frostbite on his fingers, face and knees and the combined noise of a Harley with shotgun exhaust pipes (that means loud!!) and an open-face helmet at 120 kph deafening him, I had to respect his commitment to his gang, the uniform and the code. The code that says: no synthetic blue jackets with body armour (they are for sissies like me), no full-face helmets (also for girly-men) and gloves are only to be worn in snowstorms. The code that says, ‘this is our uniform’. Looking at his contorted face (courtesy of the wind) as he flew by, I began to think about the way we humans love to belong and the price we’re prepared to pay for that membership. To our gang. Our group. Our church. Our click. Our team. To something bigger than us.
The Cost of Membership
But what I really pondered as I cruised along (it was a long ride) was whether belonging was more likely to be a positive or a negative in our lives over the long term. Is it always good to belong? When isn’t it? What compels so many of us to ‘join’?
Part of it is that we’re social creatures, and on a level, we love being in a ‘family’. However, sometimes in our efforts to belong, we compromise our values and beliefs, we lie to ourselves and we do anything we can to be accepted. Belonging (to something) can make us feel better about ourselves. If only for a while. It can also make us feel trapped. Sometimes being a member of a group means security. Sometimes it means pressure. Sometimes it means ‘keeping up’, conforming and ticking the boxes. Sometimes belonging to a group can define us. It can also be where we lose ourselves. Sometimes in an effort to find ourselves we actually become a clone of others.
Many people want to belong to something, no matter what. The thought of not belonging terrifies them. Somewhere and somehow they have learned that they’re not good enough, worthy enough or valuable enough on their own. They’re deficient unless they’re part of a collective.
I’m not against belonging to a group (I’ve been involved in many) but I think once we all start to look, sound, walk and talk the same, alarm bells should ring. I don’t think my purpose is to be a replica, cyborg or mouthpiece for someone else’s ideas, message or mission. I think my purpose is to live a life in alignment with my core values. Whatever that means and whatever that requires.
If you belong to a group and you can honestly say that your life is better for the ‘membership’, then my advice would be to stay. If your membership (involvement in, or obligation to, the group) means something not quite so positive, then maybe it’s time for you to discover who you are beyond the group identity, the collective mindset, the gang rules and the weight of expectation.
It might just be the most liberating and empowering thing you ever do.
You’re welcome. 
Some Discussion Questions:
1. Have you ever ‘lost yourself’ in a gang?
2. Have you ever lost a friend or family member? (no naming of specific groups please)
3. Are you a member of a gang that makes your world a better place?
4. What should we consider when we’re thinking of joining a gang?
5. What advice do you have for people who feel stuck (trapped) in a gang (situation, group, organisation)?
* Feel free to answer as many or as few as you like. Or… just add your general thoughts on the post. :)
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Hey Craig,
I think you’re right that we all have a need to belong. From an evolutionary perspective, this is what helped us stick together and increased our chances of survival for thousands of years.
You are also right when you say that sometimes the sacrifices we make to belong are not worth it. I think that when we have practical reasons to do something in a different way than the gang, it’s best to resist our impulse to conform and do it in the way we think it’s best.
In a world with over 6 billion people, we can always find a gang to belong to which accepts us as we are. This is something our ancestors did not have.
Belonging is a basic human need! Membership a way to help meet this need!
You must sacrifice part of yourself to belong to a certain group.
Group identities give us common ground with new in-group people.
“Personal identity is about difference, belonging is about some sacrfice.”
I would ask why it is so important to be “unique and different”?
Comfort is for the middle-aged! It’s all about how you look!
I really appreciate your posts, especially those that help us understand our sense of self worth.
Hi Craig,
Thanks for the excellent post (am not sucking up). I just wanted to add the following passage from ‘Queen Bees and Wannabes’ by Rosalind Wiseman. The book examines group dynamics for teenage girls but (I think) it’s relevant to all of us. She describes the ‘Floater’ (unfortunate term) which, according to Wiseman, is the happiest role to have within a group:
“You can usually spot this girl because she doesn’t associate with only one clique. She has friends in different groups and can move freely among them … She’s more likely to have higher self-esteem because she doesn’t base her self-worth on how well she’s accepted by one group … Girls want to be the floater because she has confidence, people genuinely like her, and she’s nice to everyone. She has the respect of the other girls because she doesn’t rule by meanness … She’s less likely to sacrifice herself to gain and keep social status.”
Cool, huh?
Christina xxx
[...] Which Gang Do You Belong To? [...]
I think the most important question here is: what to consider when ‘joining’ a gang. Personally I think that if it is in alignment with your core values, makes the world a better place and keeps you strong it is a great thing.
Just recently I was involved in an organisation and whilst there has been a lot of pressure for me to stay I felt that it was No longer in alignment with what it stood for nor for what I do, so I have had to walk away. Yes I feel a little scared but I also feel liberation!
I figure you can always go back but hay who would want to, sometimes things just serve a purpose for what they were for. I do however like to feel like I am part of something bigger but for me it doesn’t need a gang name anymore.
In regards to advise for people stuck or trapped – walk away and if it honesty is a very ‘hostile’ environment – play smart to get away! As a physcologist once said honesty is not saying it!
cool banana’s…… I was watching some OSHO 2 minute meditation’s on You tube and one that resonates for me after reading this posting is on Maturity. Osho teached that maturity means accepting responsibility of oneself whatever the cost. Imitation doesn’t fit reality as reality is always changing. This has asked loads of questions of myself and the groups I am in, and how much do I really fit in them and am I being honest with myself. This cyber gang makes my world a better place, along with a meditation group, and all the friends I call my family and the family I call my friends
Hi Craig and All … this post is very cool, and I am writing from my experiences in the Army. It’s a gang for sure (even though there are a lot of us, it’s amazing how small it really is!)
In the hugeness of a lot of pressure, bad bosses and self-imposed ‘stuff’ I have lost myself more times than I would have liked. Funny how as a mature (40-something) adult I could be so dumb, but as we all know, applying the practice is always harder even when you know the theory! I have allowed the people involved (the gang) to control me (my daily schedule, my outputs, my conversations …).
What did it cost? It almost cost me my marriage and I have compromised my health. Until I woke up to myself and realised this was not how I wanted to live. I realised that I was spending too much time with people I didn’t respect, let alone like. I had cut back on the time with good friends till I hardly saw them at all. Wrong way round dopey!
I think it’s important to establish your own standards and stick to them. Don’t compromise. It’s going to take a lot of courage (especially if you haven’t much power in the situation/relationship) but it’s worth it. Surround yourself with positive people who share your values and yeah, that might involve a gang or group or even an individual. So if there are nasties out there (riding without a helmet and making fun of you for being a wuss) knowing that you’re doing the right thing and that like-minded others think you are too, then that’s a really powerful position to be in. We’d call this the “high ground”.
Now, I also think it’s important to know that being with someone/a group/a gang doesn’t have to involve life membership! We all need to accept that this might be good for now and be happy in that. Some folks might not want you in their gang! But take it for what and when it is and be happy. If it’s not working for you, say so and move on. Keep to the high ground (the view is better from there anyway)
When you’re leaving a gang or even just not hanging out with them so much, it’s just like quitting anything – you can go cold turkey or wean yourself off a little at a time. I reckon it’s a personal thing and dependant on the situation/people involved. But if you’re clear about your standards, your goals or your time, you’ll be true to yourself and do the right thing.
It’s also important to be clear about why you want to belong/hang out with this gang. When you know what your standards/goals are, you will have a clarity of purpose that makes it easy to understand when it is/is not working. Trust yourself; you’ll know if you need to move on. If your gut tells you that riding without protective gear isn’t a good idea, it probably isn’t.
Thanks, Craig, for another thought-provoking post. I must admit that I find it hard to understand the “gang” mentality because I guess I’ve always been a bit of a non-conformist. It started really early on, too. I distinctly remember being at primary school in my preteen years and all the girls seemed to think you had to like either Sherbet OR Skyhooks. (Yes, OK, I’m old.
) And I can remember thinking, “Who says I have to like either of those?” and I liked TMG and AC/DC. I’m also probably the only person I know who’s never read a Harry Potter book or seen a movie because they don’t interest me, no matter how popular they might be.
I don’t necessarily think that my non-conformist streak is a great personal characteristic to have, but it certainly stood me in good stead in high school. For instance, it was still considered very cool to go and smoke behind the tennis courts in those days, but even if I was considered THE most uncool kid at the school (and I may well have been!), nothing on earth would have induced me to try a smoke because from day dot I always found them horrible, smelly things and I could never fathom why anyone would choose to do that. And that’s not to put anybody down if they see things differently and they have tried it, but I’m just saying a lot of people who take up smoking later regret having started because, like most bad habits, they’re harder to stop than they are to start, so I’m just glad I never WANTED to start!
There is a part of me that would love to really feel like I belong in a group, but I just don’t know that I’m prepared to change who I am in order to do it. Ah, well, I’ll keep searching.
Craig i think this a great post and something to really ponder. For myself i prefer to visit groups but not really belong to them. Sometimes when people have the same goal like losing weight it helps to join a group fpr suuport. unfortunately there are a lot of cliques inn school and I don’t always think that is good for the kids because a l0t of time just to beloong they will sacrifice the values they grew up with. Anyways Craig have a great week!!!
Sandy
Craig – that Harley rider?……would look sorta cool up until the time he rides into a swarm of locusts……LOL….I’ll stick with my full face helmet! Have a great day!
Hi. I’ve been in multiple religious groups which turned out to be soul-destroying for me. They tend to be a sub-culture in themselves and the ones I was involved in highly valued making everyone do, think, even feel and look the same. Everyone in the group socialises together and so your whole life sort of revolves around group activities. One big happy family. Since leaving, which was extremely traumatic because it messed with my head, I have discovered who the real me is! And I actually like who I am! But I am also lonely.
I come from a highly dysfunctional family. Alcoholic father, martyr mother and one of 6 kids. I was molested by 2 family members from a young age, right up until my 20′s. I knew no better. One family member was still trying it on in to my 30′s. I am now 47 years old.
I was in a relationship in my 20′s when my sister broke up with her boyfriend. I invited her to stay with me and as a consequence she and my partner started an affair. I stayed in the relationship for 2 years after I found out and kept in contact with my sister. Long story short, they were still carrying on so I left.
In all this time I kept in contact with my family until about a year ago. My mother passed away and I feel somewhat freed. So your questions about whether it is worth being in a gang is an important one.
It is such a driving force and I still feel lost and abandoned with my family. I have to force myself not to pick up the phone.
Love your posts, they are a life line to me.
xx
Hi Craig,
when you talk about ‘group’ I think about our group of friends. The friends you have before you marry and the ones you make when you marry. My husband and I had always done the right thing to fit in with the group. When it was to get together and our babies were tiny our friends would always ask us to visit because they didn’t want to inconvenience themselves in arranging their babies to bring along. When it was which venue to go too we were happy to fit in with them even splitting the bill when most of it was theirs. We didn’t feel it was an issue or problem because we all got on so well.
As the years passed and the children were growing up ,we had our normal colds/flu and committments , we realized this group of friends (about three couples) barely made the effort to keep in contact by phone or visit. It was after my mother’s passing (about 7yrs ago) when I finally decided that I was not going to fit in with people any more. It was like a wake up call because not one of these couples (the group) even made the effort to visit or call during my time of need.
When fitting in is about stepping back or down,missiing out or being taking advantage of, thats not fair to yourself.
A group should be about being accepted for the person you are. For the qualities you have to offer and be treated with respect.
Aren’t we all in a group, we all meet at different times at your website, we put comments, sometimes we feel good about ourselves from your posts, sometimes we feel stronger, sometimes stupid. But at the end of the day we all get something out of it. We didn’t pay money, sign an agreement, committ to anything. So sometimes we just end up in a group without even think about joining, basically because we have an interest. Any group or gang you join should always be because it’s of interest and fun.
Craig, you often talk about core values, for some of us who married early, kids etc we take on others core values. Do you have an exercise which will clear up what my core values are
1. Have you ever ‘lost yourself’ in a gang?
Yes
2. Have you ever lost a friend or family member? (no naming of specific groups please)
Yes
3. Are you a member of a gang that makes your world a better place?
They are nasty and I am glad to be rid of most of them
4. What should we consider when we’re thinking of joining a gang?
See Vicki’s comment
5. What advice do you have for people who feel stuck (trapped) in a gang (situation, group, organisation)?
Get out no matter what and realise that the pain of being lonely or being an outcast far outweighs the self-loathing when you go along with group think
3. Are you a member of a gang that makes your world a better place?
YES! I’m a member of the ‘secret society’ that is called the Ironman Triathlon Club/Family. Eligibility criteria: complete a 3.8 km swim, 180 bike, and 42.2 km run in 17 hrs. Then, you’re in. You’re a member for life whether you never do another one again, or if you do 49 more. It is the coolest club to be in. I love it. I feel safe and supported.
The other ‘gang’ I’m a member of is known as ‘Jammers for life’ – a bunch of fun-loving and crazy people who love Les Mills dance based group fitness program that is BODY JAM!
***
5. What advice do you have for people who feel stuck (trapped) in a gang (situation, group, organisation)?
Just leave! Take the emotion out of it. Its clearly served its purpose and now you’re ready to move on. Leave all the crap behind, and take the good with you. Look after #1 – you. You’ll find a new ‘gang’ again some time, and will once again feel joy and happiness of ‘belonging.’
***
“But what I really pondered as I cruised along (it was a long ride)…”
What is your longest non-stop ride, Craig? Mine is 8hrs 10min. How many km’s could you cover in that time. [thinks it'll be many hundred more than my 180km on my carbon road bike!!!!]
Jules
RYL1 Graduate May 2009 (shite – almost a year ago already??? Time for a 12 month follow up post???)
Belonging to a group or community at times can decide our sense of identity and character, where we as individuals find the need to adapt and change in order to find a sense of connection and affinity within our group/community. Although belonging can bring a great deal of happiness and positively impact upon one’s life, it also can impact our lives in a negative way. Conflicting values are clearly shown to weaken a person’s sense of individuality and sense of self.
The process of belonging to something should not always involve people and groups. You must belong to your own principles and dreams before all.
What a great post on the topic of belonging? I think this is something most people think about (whether they realize it or not) and you’ve done such a great job of addressing the topic here. Thanks for this great post!
This is my first read of your terrific website. I dont think there was ever a time in my life where I felt like I belonged. Now, I have come to terms with it and embraced my differences.
When we let go of the need to belong and stop seeking validation, life becomes more enjoyable.
[...] Which Gang Do You Belong To? [...]
Alarm bells ring…I’ve got brown eyes not blue, I’ve got brown hair not blonde….so where do I belong? I like Jazz, yet find myself occassionally listening to hard rock. I like speed yet I hate careless drivers. Where does that put me?
I’ve watched family torn apart by “being part of a gang” steeling and drugs. I’ve watched other family help rebuild. We can survive by being alone yet is being part of a group/gang/organisation just part of our own insecurities?
I must say I’ve felt some aspect of conforming quite silly really. I can’t explain yet it seems when I look around we are all part one! So why not just be ourself. – Sorry I’ve been a bit cryptic x
We need to learn to accept each other for who we are, limitations and all. This gives us the chance to help each other without letting pride get in the way.
[...] Which Gang Do You Belong To? [...]
I’m going to use the term gang to refer to any social group to which a person can belong, officially or not, through initiation or not. The definition is even broad enough to include religions, though I won’t talk about religion.
1. Have you ever ‘lost yourself’ in a gang?
Being a computer programming, decidedly non-Alpha male, who played with dice during school lunch with my pals… yes.
Surprisingly, I had more power among my peers when I felt the least significant. I was the trend setter who figured out what games were fun to play, who included others without prejudice, and who got all the girls… but was too nerdy to realize that he had a chance with any of the girls.
When I set out to try to find myself, to be an “individual,” I turned to the Goth scene. No, drugs weren’t a part of my life, then or at any time. In trying to be an individual, I just copied everyone else, and alienated some of my better friends.
To try to fit in with the programmer class, I tried growing my hair long and tried growing a full beard… My wife said no, so I settled for a goatee. I’ll say, facial hair is a pain. More of a pain than shaving daily with a dull razor.
There were other groups that are more socially acceptable to belong to, that I decided hurt me in the long run, but I’m already on the fifth paragraph of answering the first question, so I’ll cut off here.
2. Have you ever lost a friend or family member? (no naming of specific groups please)
Due to my involvement with a group? Yes.
Due to their involvement with a group? Yes, after I had left that group we had in common.
3. Are you a member of a gang that makes your world a better place?
I suppose… I’m a vocal supporter for Hackers for Charity, a group that helps charities by volunteering technical skills, and that is pushing hard to “hack” education in Africa for the better. (Our “gang signs” are syn/ack)
4. What should we consider when we’re thinking of joining a gang?
Is the group more concerned with making its members feel superior to other people, or is it concerned with helping others outside of the group? (Are they “masters” or “servants”?)
I’ve found that while being told how awesome you are for being “one of us” may feel good in the short term, it’s really meaningless. It’s better to prove your self worth through clear, demonstrable achievements, than through wearing a certain color of hat, a piece of jewelry, or walking through a door at a certain time of day or day of week.
5. What advice do you have for people who feel stuck (trapped) in a gang (situation, group, organisation)?
Find out what the Ego is, in terms of human and societal evolution, its need to identify the person through external influences, and its tendency to tear other people down in order to increase your sense of self-worth.
Don’t just quit the group cold-turkey, or you’ll just find another group that feeds off of the same emotions; take time to identify your ego-centered behaviors, and find out who you really are when you take away the car, the house, the clubs, the job, or whatever else is temporary.
My philosophy is that I am (obviously) not my car… nor is my car me. It’s simply the vehicle I use to travel around in. I am not my job… my job does not define me. My job is simply a way that I can be creative and practice my personal development skills, all while getting paid, so that my body can have a bed, food, water, and I can buy diversions when I just don’t want to be responsible. My wife doesn’t define me… she’s way too busy being her own person. My body doesn’t define me; it is temporary, will eventually break down and cease to exist… I care for it, because the longer it is in good shape, the more enjoyment I can get from it, but the fleshy bits aren’t me. My thoughts aren’t me… thoughts come and go, thoughts can be based on incorrect information (just look at an optical illusion: the tricks aren’t in the eye, they’re in the mind)… so it would be foolish to base my sense of self on my thoughts.
My sense of self is in the fact that I can observe. As long as I exist, in whatever form I may find myself in, I will be conscious, and so I am that consciousness, and nothing can diminish that. Because of that fact, I don’t need things, groups, events, awards, recognition, etc., to feel good about myself… I can just do what gives me joy.