“Sometimes success isn’t success, it’s just more of the same in a thinner body or a better house.” (C.A.H., 2009)
The Big Let-Down
Have you ever been excited about going somewhere – a restaurant, a new city, a concert, a ball game, a holiday destination, a movie, a personal development workshop – and then when you eventually got there, it was somewhat disappointing, if not, a total let down? Of course you have. Me too. And because the reality of the experience didn’t meet or exceed your expectations, the net result could be any one of a number of negative emotions ranging from disappointment to devastation. Yep, you finally got where you wanted to go, achieved what you set out to, and on some level you believed that things would be automatically different once you got there. Better. Easier. More fun. But they weren’t.
Destination Fraud
While the above story is always being played out in a practical sense – that is, people arriving at destinations which disappoint them – the same result is constantly unfolding as we individually pursue happiness, fulfillment, meaning and success via the setting of goals, the creation and implementation of plans and the chasing of our dreams. Think about it for a moment… we all have a story in our mind of what our personal reality will be when we arrive at our desired destination; that is, achieve our goals, realise our dreams. Sadly, the literal reality of the “arrival” doesn’t always measure up to the one we created in our head; our hopes, expectations and desires. Like the guy who buys his dream home in his dream location, only to find that all of his problems have relocated with him. Of course his happiness or lack thereof was never about house size, views or geography; it was about him. Specifically, his internal reality, not his external one.
Misguided Expectations
So often we have unrealistic, if not delusional, expectations of what our arrival at a particular place will translate to – on a practical, sociological, emotional and psychological level. People don’t pursue financial wealth because they want more money. No, they spend there lives chasing money because they want what they believe that money will bring them. On some level – consciously or not – they believe that money will be the vehicle to what they really want; attention, approval, security, less anxiety and of course, happiness. And while we all understand that money is neither good or bad – it’s a resource that only has the meaning and value we assign it - it’s the attitudes and behaviours which surround money that give us a fascinating and illuminating insight into how dysfunctional and misguided we can be about the true meaning of success. By the way, this post is not about money, I just use it as a common example because it’s something we all understand, relate to and deal with daily.
The Success Obsession
You and I live in a generation and a culture that is obsessed with success. And sadly, that collective mindset teaches us that success is largely – if not completely - about our external reality. Specifically, what we can accumulate and how physically attractive we can make ourselves. If you don’t believe the second part of the previous sentence, take a peek at the statistics on the ever-increasing number of people who are enhancing their bodies surgically in their quest to find happiness. *See figures below. If they didn’t believe that surgery would make them happier, then why would they do it? They wouldn’t. Who would spend thousands of dollars (money they often don’t have), subject themselves to significant physical risk and then endure weeks of post-operative pain if they didn’t believe they would be happier with the arrival of their new breasts, nose, cheeks, thinner legs…. and so on? Nobody, that’s who. If only you and I lived in a culture where the over-riding message was that happiness works from the inside out, not the other way around.
*The top four surgical cosmetic procedures in the US in 2007 were: liposuction (456,828 procedures), breast augmentation (399,440 procedures), eyelid surgery (240,763 procedures) and abdominoplasty (185,335 procedures). Sorry Aussie readers, I couldn’t find reliable Australian data but percentage wise, it’s similar to the States.
The Last Bit
“There is only one universal goal; happiness”
Of course there’s nothing wrong with making lots of money, living in a big house – or five, being wildly successful with one’s career or working out to get in your best physical shape. The problem will never be the pursuit or achievement of those things, it will always be our misguided group thinking that says when have enough stuff and look a certain way, then we’re successful. And not before. As I have shared with you previously, internal and external wealth don’t need to be mutually exclusive but perhaps it’s time for us (us the society) to acknowledge that our widely-held attitudes and thinking about success are in desperate need of review.
What do you think?
Ciao x
{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Great Post – I wholly agree. Peace or happiness is only found when I am okay with myself. If I observe myself doing things in order to make myself happy then sometimes I take a moment and think what does buying this new gadget or indulging on this trinket try to replace in me? Soon I am touching feeling that can be a little scary but with patience and friends I turn the fear into my own personal success. I see success as a matter of how I perceive myself in the world and not how I try and measure up to what I think others might be thinking about me – that, there, is called insanity. Thanks for the opportunity of sharing Craig. Jeff
you make life too hard sometimes Craig
Spot on.
A few things happened recently and I hit the pause button on my goals – my racing, my career, my life – I’ve been trying to sort out what I really want. The truth is, I don’t know what I want – and it’s really got me in a state of turmoil.
We want to be happy – I want to be happy. But what does that look like? What is the magic formula that I need to be happy? Is it a major change – or some minor tweaks? Sometimes it’s just easier to pursue the superficial things because I keep digging and digging and it’s only making me irritated. And tired.
Hi Craig, another great post.
The journey to your destination is most often the most exciting part and it’s the journey that keeps us alive with energy. When the detination is reached it’s often a let down,as you said.
I would consider myself extremely successful just now as I love what I am doing with my life and love my family for sharing my journey and that’s really all that’s important to me. The earning of money is the driver, but the journey to the pot of gold is the fun part.
Yeah………..Let’s hope everyone who reads this gets it.
This is what I have been thinking about quite a bit lately. As I approach my weight loss goal, I am pondering maintenance and ongoing health and fitness. Not as exciting as losing all the weight, getting all the accolades and watching the scale go down. Wow, what a great week, I maintained my weight! Yee-Haw!
I think you are so right though, that getting where we want to go doesn’t necessarily bring us happiness. I suppose we can really be happy anywhere. But I also know that I couldn’t reall live life to its fullest while I was so fat. From that sense I now have the ability to enjoy my life more and be more active. Of course if I didn’t have any friends or family – it wouldn’t really matter.
For me, happiness or Joy comes from doing what I’m passionate about, being around people I love and trying to stay in the moment. Enjoy each day. Appreciate how much I’ve been blessed. And like you say, remember that I have intrinsic value, not just based upon money, accumulating things and other external wealth.
Thanks for the reminder………….
Cheers!
- Steve in CA
Thank you for this Craig. I am (slowly) coming to understand: I am already “there”. The truth and happiness I have been chasing from different filosofies, nutrition, career, relationships, can be found from within.
Love your posts. Thanks.
I know what you mean….. Recently I have been stressing over getting another job because I am feeling unfulfilled in my current one and have been out buying clothes I really cannot afford in order to look great at interviews. Mean while I lie in bed at night picturing how much happier I will be when I get my “new job” with “more money” and then I will feel better…….. or will I?
This morning my 9 year old son climbed into my bed and snuggled up to me and as I lay there stroking his hair (which smelt of cool things like grass and dirt etc) I realised that THIS, this basic feeling of joy and contentment and happiness, was the real thing.
Not the job
Nor the clothes
Nor the money.
What a wake up call
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Jeff
Good topic today Craig.
Happiness = content and appreaciation for where we are now.
I am still working on this one myself.
Heres the thing. There is nothing wrong with setting goals and wanting to achieve them. But its a matter of what is the reasoning behind them. Is it because we believe it will make us happier?
Everyone should have goals. They can keep us motivated and on track. Lets face it no one is perfect.
But we should still be content and happy with what we have now. It is what we have now that will help us to get to where we want to be. It is what we had before and the experiences that we had that made us into the person we are today.
My next line is for myself as much as it is for anyone else.
Be happy with what you have now and use it to achieve the goals you want to achieve. But for the right reasons. Not to become happier.
Amanda
Hi Michael
The only person who can make my life hard is me and the only person who can make your life hard is you..
Hi CDn Friend
You want what we all want; happiness. You just need to get clarity about where it will come from – for you. And keep in mind that sometimes happiness coming from letting go, not chasing.
You’re right Steve, most of us spend our life on the journey – so we may as well enjoy it!
Let’s hope Sharon
Nice thoughts Steve in CA – thanks for dropping by
Hi AM, Finland.
You’re welcome
This was just for you Sharleen
Thanks for dropping by Amanda
Wow, .. I was actually thinking about this the other day… when I was reassessing my goals and decided I am so happy with everything in my life even though I dont have the house etc..It is funny though people actually ask what is wrong with me… Anyway…with this in mind decided I am here once and I am not wasting anymore time on the things I dont love so I … re set my goals in these areas in alignment with Kate’s passions!
I am so grateful today that my insides where ripped apart …. as change and happinesss never happended for me prior this even when I ‘did have it all on a superficial leve’. I prefer to have lost that and gained what I gained as the reality I live today cant be bought… it is amazing and so god damn magical that I can get lost in it ( have to remind myself of the general respon)… but I am so happy!
I feel so blessed I have found what I love… and have decided (of course with a push from this blog)..to meet with my boss today and tell her I dont want to be groomed for Director anymore.. I hate studying why the hell would I want to waste any time doing this when I can make my own beat on my bike. …and work with people I love.
AHh big breathe… so nice to breathe!
Once again thanks guys for being here and sharing!
I found your site via the stepcase lifehack site, and I must congratulate you on a fantastic “When Success Isn’t Success” page, I must have nodded my head throughout the entire article. Absolutely fantastic.
I liked Sharleen’s post.
I agree with Amanda wholeheartedly about goal setting.
Wasn’t it Souza that said “Happiness is a journey, not a destination.”
We need to “get happy” in the now….not think that if we get our goals it will make us “happy.”
Souza also said “that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.”
If you haven’t guessed, this is my all time favorite quote and is on a magnet on my fridge!
Rock on people.
Are there two types of success?
I see it that there is my attempt to manifest success on the a physical, human level, and the other form of success is to do with my inner, spiritual and religious experience, where I may delve into developing a rapport and connection with my Creator, the Universal Spirit or God, or for others who do not want to label…the nothingness.
Both are tied to achieving a desirous state-of-mind.
It is a given that all of us who are conscious have a desirous state-of-mind, a success state, to portend to. So what is this inner driver of success, this wanting and striving for the different state?
It is comparison, and the comparison is driven by the feeling of lack, of not being enough, whether it be for beauty or spiritual peace or health or wealth or power over others, or love.
So my inquisitiveness does pose the next question for the conundrum of why should I, and do I, feel lack?
Why do I experience lack when I am immersed in the abundance of joy and miracle of a life, my life?
It is some miracle that I am even able to think!
It is some miracle that I am able to breathe and draw oxygen from the atmosphere to support my physical being!
It is some miracle that my consciousness is attached to my physical body!
So do I become immersed in some feeling of lack that has been created by ME, or do I immerse myself in a feeling of the miracle of overwhelming abundance, created by something or someone, that is incomprehensible to my limited thought and awareness, of which I am certainly the living proof?
Ditch the measurable feeling of lack, so to as become one with the immeasurable feeling of abundance!
That is success!
And it will cost not much….just a feeling of lack!
My only thoughts on this are when I lost 30kg+ after my seperation surprise surprise it didn’t ‘fix’ everything else or make me instantly happy.
And my friends are always telling me how much they admire and look up to me for being single parent/working/keeping fit etc but i find that hard to take in cause i look at what i don’t have – successful relationship, my own house etc. well thats my problem no one elses! they see me as a success and i think ‘ha, they don’t know the real story’. so obviously still alot of GMST to work on here. Loved the comment about her son smelling like grass/dirt. i do that all the time and didn’t think anyone else got it!
Thank you, thank you, thank you Craig for putting this in words. I have lived a lifetime of destination fraud and thought it was me that was letting myself down. I always lived in the future and always had the expectation that it would turn out a certain way and of course, it never did, which meant many life disappointments.
I have done a lot of work in changing these patterns and now make a point of living in the “now” and being mindful of what I am doing in the present. I am so much happier now and have let go of the “hitler style” planning. I am just so happy to get it in my early 40s rather than not at all.
Sue, Melbourne
Hi Craig,
Do you mean the boy with the most toys doesn’t win? I’m so confused…
Love your work!
Hugs,
Jo
Sharleen -I was moved too by your description of smelling your son’s hair. I also watch my children sleeping and thank whoever is up there for my beautiful children. Children live in the moment – when and how do adults lose that ability? Makes me wonder what children consider success to be? Or is it a label adults make up?
) The best I’ve come up with is that all the self-help books and seminars etc can help but I need to trust myself to find MY answers, my definition of success. I now question everything and test and trial ideas, if they leave me with that ‘content in the moment feeling’ then they’re in!
I also agree with CDn Friend, chasing happiness leaves me irritated and tired too. I wish I could turn to the back page and look up the answers! (my smartass therapist tells me I couldn’t afford them anyway!
I’m only after inner peace and world peace, that’s all.
Sue H,
I have lived a lifetime of destination fraud.. love it., was so true but in truth we never get there.. wherever that may be.
Hi Craig,
I have been thinking about issue this a lot lately. I completed a degree over 7 years; I really thought that as a mature age student with plenty of practical experience it would be fairly easy to get myself into a job that not only allowed me to do things I enjoy (like teaching about health and fitness) I might even start earning more money. Five years and many detours on, I’m still looking for that elusive wonderful new job. I’m beginning to think I have more ‘issues’ than before I did the degree. It’s not the outcome I was looking for. I am working through things – now with the help of a psychologist – and starting to have a more cogent idea of where I can head next, but it’s taking so much longer than I ever thought possible.
Anyway I enjoyed your post. Thanks.
Little boys that smell of grass and dirt – love it Sharleen! Nothing like it. I also love to watch them (the little tikes) as they tell you that they can ‘fly’ and then leap off the nearest loungeroom chair and say ” I did it, I did it !”
I think we can all learn a lot from them about moment to moment joyful living – they seem to be experts at it.
Sorry, kinda got off the point I think – there was something else I was going to say, but got caught up in thinking about those wonderful moments such as those that you described Sharleen. Thanks for sharing it.
See ya all – as always loved the post, Craig.
Happy weekend all,
Mon
Aww Craig!! You mean, when I finally look like a Barbie doll, live in my massive mansion with my 7 boyfriends (one for each day of the week), drive a Porche and am universally loved by all … I still won’t necessarily be happy?
What a gyp!!
Better go cancel my boob job ….
Em
( ) x
I have been thinking about this topic a lot ever since I started working ( a few years back) . I have realized that happiness is not the same as material success. In fact material success can only give us momentary happiness. Happiness comes only from “internal success” , i.e. being a good parent , being good to the kind and needy , gardening , photography , exercise , social service , doing nice/good intangible acts. Some of the things that make me happy are –
a) Making my parents proud of me.
b) Listening to good music
c) Observing nature
d) Playing with a dog
e) After a very heavy workout
f) After complimenting someone sincerely and making the other person feel good
For the first ten years of my working life I chased the externally located success thing avidly and rather quite deliriously.
This kind of success was all about brand and label clothes, fashionably expensive shoes, a high profile job (working for someone extremely important), driving an European car, an apartment in St Kilda … oh and of course the designer-thin body to match. Ironically none of them ever really fitted and all of them I wore rather poorly.
When success is so outwardly located, so flimsy a garment, it becomes increasingly transparent and progressively revealing – and not only to others.
Fifteen years on I feel moderately and modestly unsuccessful and I’m loving it! My inner world now bears more weight and carries far more importance than any temporary or externally achieved things (though these are nice little flag-posts which mark certain points of destination along my journey).
And by the way, I drive a Holden, earn less than I did in 1996, shop for comfort and style rather than fashion, have an amazing husband who loves me unconditionally, and work for one of the most important people in my world … me!
You guys that share on these blogs are amazing! May conscious success shine upon you all.
Sharonm
Growth is incredibly slow. Did you know that an avocado tree grown from seed takes 5-10 years to bear fruit? Yet we seem to expect so much more of ourselves.
In terms of that elusive job or special professional niche ‘hold in there’. An education is an education for life and while the benefits of a tertiary education are long-term (and may arrive in an unhurried way) they are also unparalleled.
Like you, I undertook a degree as a mature age student. It has taken me another ten years and postgrad studies to sort out what is right in terms of career/job/work and what I am meant to be doing (if there is such a thing).
Some people seem to come into this world knowing their vocation. Others–like me–find it a real struggle. But there is wisdom to be gained from the struggle and many pots of gold which serendipitously line the unplanned path.
And just think, every issue you are currently dealing with will enable you to perform that job/role/business venture with greater strength, determination, compassion, empathy and higher-self intelligence.
I really appreciate the view expressed by everybody over here. Thanks to all for sharing.
I think “going-too-fast” lifestyle is partly to blame. nowadays, people seldom stop to count their blessings and when they fail to do so, they would think they lack something when in reality they don’t–they just failed to see.
great post by the way. thanks.