“Wow, that’s a stressful situation.”
Really? Then why isn’t everyone (in that situation) stressed? If being stressed was about the situation (as opposed to some kind of individual response to that situation) then everyone would experience the same emotional response at the same time. Clearly, they don’t. Situations don’t create stress, people do.
“That woman stresses me.”
No she doesn’t; you stress yourself. But she’s your trigger.
“He makes me angry.”
No, that’s all you. The only person who can control your emotional state is you. He only has the influence (control, impact, power) that you allow him to have.
Being Stressed
The emotional state of ‘being stressed’ (as we know it) is a self-created one. It is a reaction (to something) and you are the reactor. The moment you say “this or that makes me (insert negative emotion)” is the moment you hand over your power to a situation, a circumstance, an event or another person.
You have two choices:
(1) Consciously control your internal environment.
(2) Be controlled by your external environment.
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{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }
You are like a mind reader…..
Something happened to me today…. which could have changed my awesome day to well…..a shocker.
Yep finally…. I did not let him influence and control me. It is kinda a nice feeling i will enjoy more often.
Thanks
This is so true, easier said than done but worth the effort in learning when and how to recognise that it definately is a choice. Great post!
I’m lucky that I learned this lesson early as I’ve been able to face pretty big so-called stressful situations (I’d say being told you have a large brain tumour, that you’ll lose your hearing completely on one side, and that your face will never be the same would come under that heading) but I looked the doctor squarely in the face and said I wanted as many drugs as he had in his pocket so I could give them to my husband who was about to walk through the door LMAO
I chose to act instead of react.
If anyone wants a lesson on how to laugh the biggest tip I can give is to take a deep breath, put hands on belly, and let one rip!
We aren’t in control of what other people or situations dictate to us, we only have control over our reactions to them.
Soap box is packed away LOL
Hmph! You make it sound easy.
I agree with what you said, I just don’t think it is anywhere near that simple, nor easy.
the stress response has important uses but I think the trick is to know how when and where to use it to your best advantage. i find it empowering and often very necessary when focused but there are days when switching down the volume a tad is very difficult. there are times when as a result of too many stressful events the stress hormones go into overdrive and stay switched on long after the events have passed.
Craig,
I do agree with what you say on so many levels, except sometimes no matter how hard I try to keep my power in a situation I still walk away feeling adverse effects. I wish I could go into situations and not take things personally, as I always seem to think that the world is against me when so often it is not. How do you gain back that power and that confidence?
Wow!!!! This is MASSIVELY POWERFUL Craig! I have been sharing a few of your ‘pearls’ with my kids now and then and this one will be our new mantra for 2012! My 12 year old has developed an auto immune disease which threatens to take her sight. She is now on triple doses of oral steroid, eye injections of steroid AND steroid eye drops …. and specialists tell us severe stress is the biggest trigger. I have been trying to find the words to help her ‘shake off’ her imaginary fears in the world. After reading the blog?… Giddy Up !!! Thanks
A big part of me healing from incest has been to change from reacting to stressful people and triggers to choosing how to act or not to those same people and triggers. It takes time to change our reactions and behaviors that we sometimes learned in childhood. When you can look at what your triggers are and look at your reactions, you can start to change and take responsibility for your actions as an adult. That is what reclaiming your personal power is all about. Thanks for the reminder.
Another piece of reality.
Thanks Craig
The word that comes to mind here is RESPONSIBILITY. however this word seems to have lost its meaning within society …. not many people are prepared to take responsibility for their own actions / thinking / behaviours. Very sad.
Is a starting point for this the language we use in our own heads????
hmmm. are you disregarding the valid role that stress (or unpleasant emotion) plays in life? surely, we’re not meant to be vulcans. by suggesting we ‘control our internal environment’, are you saying people can control how and what they feel, i.e. their ‘negative’ (don’t like that word, sorry) emotions? it’s the differentiation between the expression of, and response to our emotions that we can choose by our behaviours. but the emotion (unpleasant as that may be) is not the enemy here.
Craig, you are exactly right and it was exactly what I needed to hear!! I have been going to a Naturopath dealing with issues to help me get healthier, but I was still getting my stress headaches and always in the same situations – NOW I KNOW WHY!!! Thanks!!!!
Jen F
Ah Suu, you crack me up!
Yep, we can’t control what people say or think about us, but we CAN control how we react to that.
Jordo.
Ahh Suu, you crack me up!
We can’t control what people say or think about us, but we CAN control how we react to it.
Well said and yes, it is very difficult to implement that sage piece of wisdom sometimes, but, like with so many other things …. practice, practice, practice…. that was a great reminder that I’m always at choice even though in the moment I might not understand how. Thanks.
Again Thank You Craig. Your words always seem to arrive when needed most xx
So true, Craig, and I disagree with some of your correspondents: it is as simple as that, and we are always in a position to choose our reaction to any situation.
I had a conversation with someone yesterday who is feeling major stress over a family member’s false accusations. When I suggested she ignore them, she wasn’t prepared to do so, thus giving away her power and creating stress for herself.
It’s a very valuable post, indeed. Thank you.
Wow Craig, you generally have some good advice make valid points. But this one came as close to simplistic bullshit as I have read on your site. As someone who has just ordered from work to take stress leave I can tell you it is rarely as clear cut as you make it here. While it is true that I am reacting to the environment I find myself in. My own values of hard work, honesty, perseverence and achievement do not let me simply walk away, or decide that not being effective in what I doing does not bother me.
I think you need to be careful that you do not let you well earned and admirable reputation as a pragmatic, no nonsense motivator. Lead you to oversimplify some of your good work. I think your statement about stress being a myth is probably correct in some cases, but there are plenty of people who got to a state of undiagnosed depression via the ‘myth’.
Hi Shayne,
I’m sorry that you’re going through a difficult time, but I can’t agree with your comments about Craig’s article.
I think the first part says it all: if stress was situation-based, then everyone would feel stressed in certain given situations. They don’t.
If, for example, I lam sacked from my job, I can see it as a source of stress or an opportunity to find an employer who really appreciates my contribution.
The way any situation affects you is totally determined by the meaning you give it: it’s always your choice.
Hi Shayne. I have never said that stress is a myth. Perhaps the title of this post was misinterpreted by some or maybe I just worded it poorly! Anyway, this article was not about whether (or not) stress is real (clearly it is) but rather, how it comes about.
The fact that some people require stress leave from work (no offence or judgment intended here) and other people in very similar situations don’t, indicates that the stress response is more about the person than the situation – which was the point of the article. That, by the way is not a criticism but rather, an observation.
Also, was you labelling my well-intended article ‘simplistic bullshit’ a personal reaction (your reality) or a universal truth?
Shayne, I am well-aware that stress is a serious, complex and multi-dimensional issue and I sincerely wish you well in the future.
Craig
As Craig Said: Getting offended is optional. As is getting off your fat arse. See how that works?
Shayne (and Craig),
as one who also had to take time off from work – almost a year – due to stress (resulting in severe depression and an anxiety disorder) I can tell you I learned the very point that craig is making.
The situation I found myself in was born entirely from my own ability to cope with (or not) the environment and influences I was faced with in the work environment.
Many were in the same boat as me, but some were able to just ‘not care’. Others were able to ‘buy in’ and others were able to even make it work for them and move ahead.
My personal work ethic and belief in certain values meant that I was unable to take any of these viewpoints. But on top of that, I also didn’t have the personal ‘toolset’ to either find a way to reconcile the growing frustration and anger I felt about the situation, or recognise that I had set myself up solely as a ‘victim’ rather than someone who had the power to actively make changes to the situation.
Yuo are 100% right, Shayne, when you say that stress is never simple…but (as any good psychologist will tell you) the first step on the path to dealing with it is to accept that the source of your stress is you. The catalyst for the creation and building of the ‘stressful’ feelings may very well be external – but the root causes are internal.
I ended up having to visualise myself as having a ‘bucket of coping’. everything I had to cope with in life was in there. Family, bills, the future, the past (big point there) and – of course – work. when the bucket is full (no matter what is making up the most of the contents) anything else you add overflows – and that leads to stress and all the other wonderful associated stuff.
When your bucket overflows, your ability to be rational and in control diminishes dramatically.
There’s only two ways to stop that happening – learn how to empty your bucket a bit – or learn how to make your bucket bigger.
It doesn’t change the external environment one iota, but it increases your ability to cope with it, and also your ability to recognise what you can control – and take action on it.
Ok, really sorry if that sounded ‘preachy’ – but I’ve been there, and came back a better person for it…so I hope you find a positive out of it too….
hi Craig. Just wanted to say I love your posts. Even checking in to read them while on holiday. Controlling my emotions is definitely something I need to work on, especially my excessive worrying over the kids. Your 15 minute still time challenge was an eye opener to me. I’m going to include a yoga class this year in my exercise program. Anyway thanks again. It’s nice to be able to have a say X
Good little reminder that we have a choice in how we react to events, and that a lot of negative emotion is a waste of energy. But stress isn’t all bad. A bit of stress can be a good motivator. It stimulates us to do things differently or at all.
It isn’t as simple as it sounds though. I reckon it takes heaps of practice and self dicipline to get it right and I for one am still a work in progress!
Jo – it’s not simple but it’s so worthwhile that if you can manage to try it (not reacting to things you have no control over) then you may find yourself less stressed, less distressed, and certainly a lot calmer in situations that crop up ready to take us head on into maybe a food or alcohol bender.
I absolutely agree that stressors sure can get the heart going.
Cheers,
Suu
Hi Craig I agree wholeheartedly and it sounds logical and easy but why can,t I do it? I take the deep breath, count to ten, be in the moment but still let things get the better of me, there just seem to be moments when it (husband with two cancers, shift work, mortgage, bills, doctors, hospitals, rude people) it just doesn’t,t go away. I work in healthcare and try to not be the “professional victim” that I see regularly and I know life is not fair, it just is, but some days are just too hard to bear. So now I have that off my chest, thank you for making me think and counting my blessings, today is going to be a good day!
I was not offended, I was making a statement about the article as I saw it just as Craig does.
I did not attempt make judgements about other people’s situations and whether they deserve to feel the way they do. or the size of their arse.
I see Craig has well trained followers and that I am only welcome to comment as long as I am ‘on message’.
I am genuinely interested in Craig’s views and methods and will continue to subscribe. But i won’t bother commenting.
btw Craig thanks for your measured and reasonable response. I can always use a different perspective.
“I see Craig has well trained followers and that I am only welcome to comment as long as I am ‘on message’.”
Shayne you only devalue your otherwise valid insights with comments like this. Perhaps a useful approach may be to write your comment, leave it a few minutes, read it again as if it was written by someone else and then reconsider it. If I have learned anything reading these posits it is that an emotional response, while instinctive and often unexplainable, is usually the wrong one.
Perhaps the “followers” have reaached a different level of understanding on a particualr topic to you? If you read most of the articles you will know that there is often disagreement and to be frank I think it often adds weight to the articles, especially if the opposing view is not well researched and argued….and often I think the articles are presented in a provocative tone to evoke thought….and action!
If you are a regular that every day presents a new lesson. It would be a shame if you did not comment any more….especially if you are not a “well trained follower”
stick around Shayne. and it would be a shame for you not to contribute. you are obviously a reflective and sincere person, articulate and caring. i, for one, would highly value your input to discussions.
Agreed. Stick around. We always welcome conflicting thoughts.
Hi Craig this for me had also been well timed. I am in a relationship where I have recently realized the other person will not change. They are the way they are, what I can change is how I react and I think this is what you are saying.
Last weeks challenges were a real eye opener also in letting me see myself as a ‘gunner do’ I let other things fill my space where I am too busy for me. Thank you for this
You know you wrote a great article when you can cause intense responses that people feel personally about. And Craig, chances are it wasn’t worded poorly at all, you wrote a clear and concise article …. it’s most likely they failed to read past the title, internet reading and intelligence at its finest. Have a great one.
Hear, hear!
rofl
Thanx, Craig –
My husband’s just had a major accident withe life-changing potential and I was beginning to let all the negative possibilities drag me away from the most important task — finding and acting on the positives and being strong for him.
Good on ya Peg!
Hugs to both you and your hubby and I hope all turns out well for both of you.
xxoo Suu
Good job peggy.
Best of luck to you both
Well, having a loved one die or a beloved leave you or falling over a cliff I think most people will find stressful.
Individual responses vary and situations are real.
I like that – Individual responses vary & situations are real
like they say no two people respond to the same situation the same way. When a loved one passes, I like to think that the people can still look inside themselves and realize that that person will always be with them
XoXo Sohn
HI Craig,
Thank you for this article its very relevant to me right now. I have foudn myself very stressed over ongoing abuse from my mother however i sat back the other day and thought…hang on i am the only person who can control whether i let this stress me or not. It doesnt not diminish the abuse but what it DID do was stop me from becoming sick and withdrawn. The abuse, or situation, was still the same….its just that i decied to take BACK my power and make some necessary changes to the situation (cut all contact from her so as to shut down any opportunity i was giving her to abuse me) and now…..MIRACLE….i feel 100% better!! I am getting on with enjoying my lfe.
I feel sorry for Shayne who cant see the actual meesage in your article and resorts to putting her feelings onto us “your well-trained follwers”…..WTF??? Mmmm anyway i dont want to get bogged down in others issues. Just wanted to say thanks and YES i GET your message.
Cheers
Good job Beach Bear. I am very proud of you. It takes a lot of effort to come to a realization like this, and I hope your mother does stop the abuse too. I always think that something like some type of family intervention might help solve things like this
I thought this was an interesting topic so I did a little more reading on stress. What I found is the very strong circular link between the emotional stress (as described in this article) and physical stress.
The most important points from this extra curricular reading was….for prevention not cure
PHYSICAL
drink water
eat regularly and well
get a good 7-8 hours of sleep as often as possible
exercise (regularly and with a friend or friends)
listen to your body’s needs
EMOTIONAL
know your values and try to live in a lignment with them
know you are not perfect
have good conversations with people – ones you know and ones you dont
dont always put yourself first
work out what factors you can control and what you cant eg. your attitude, your bosses attitude, the angry neighbour, the weather, getting up early, putting things off, making that call…
do things – new people, new places, new experiences all add to the richness of life and give you a reason for being.
I did have a bout of depression and I think seeing a psychologist was rubbish, I was insulted when all they did was ask very textbook questions and try to get me to solve the problem…which was obvious. I just let shit build up and didn’t deal with it. I got through it by building some genuine personal relationships with people, having brutally honest conversations, writing stuff down, eating well and all the other stuff above. Bottom line is there is no magic pill just a lot of little steps in the positive direction and an understanding that it took time to get into a lousy state and it would take time (and loads of effort) to get out of it.
Stress is real and while it only exists in the individual it can have a detrimental effect on other things in that individuals environment (work, family, friends…) and it can also be overcome if the individual is ready.
Thanks for another thought provoking offensive
I forgot to add laugh..and laugh lots
Great great input Dragon, really. And I also post in here with a fake name. I don’t know why I think its just because we are able to help more people and be honest if we are sure that noone can track our real name down.
Xo Xo Sohn Xo Xo
I also loved this quote:
“Stress is real and while it only exists in the individual it can have a detrimental effect on other things in that individuals environment (work, family, friends…) and it can also be overcome if the individual is ready.”
I got stressed just reading the comments
While I agree with Craigs two choices, I also think the word “stress” is over-used these days. Almost everybody is stressed about something. I often remind myself to work on the internal and the external will take care of itself…I too, like Jo, am a work in progress.
Very nice point. The ‘external will work out itself’. Thats an awesome way to put it.
I also got stressed reading the comments so I had to turn on music haha. IT helped a lot to calm down
Thanks Craig. As always your timing is impeccable.
Thank you for your continual motivation and inspiration.
This is so true! We have to take responsibility for our emotions instead of living under the facade that other people and situations control us.
Thanks for the post!
There are external stressors that do affect everyone at the same time.
Take the Christchurch earthquakes – there is nobody that was in the city from 4 Sept 10 that has not had a physiological response that still impacts them no matter what they are doing or where they are living now. I lived in the quake zone for 13 months, and despite the fact I haven’t lived in Chch for 4 months I still get some physiological response to similar situations. For example, a strong wind gust causes my house to shake and the sns has flooded my system with adrenalin regardless of my conscious mind recognizing that it is just wind. It’s not a choice, unfortunately it’s just something we all live with (no matter where we are now living), and it impacts our bodies and our decisions in a thousand different ways.
i do choose to live as normally as possible, regardless that walking through some parts of the CBD gives me the heebees – older parts of town with lots of older building with unreinforced masonry, new buildings with huge glass panels – both make me uncomfortable. I evaluate and have a plan for getting out of any building I’m in. When relocating I chose a suburb, even a house, by whether it’s likely to be impacted by liquefaction or how likely it is to be damaged by a quake (no brick, no tiled roof, no unreinforced/brick chimney, no edge of cliff, no tucked into hillside, no seafront). To outsiders it probably makes me sound like a paranoia riddled basket case, but to any Chch folk it sounds like damage limitation and just being prepared. My new city is on a major faultline.
I wish we could choose to turn it off, but it’s not that simple. We just have to get on with life the best we can in our new normality.
Looking at stress from the other way is also important.
That is, how we pass our own stress onto others. Generally the people closest to us suffer the most.