Hi guys, it’s CJ. Well, there’s not long to go until the RYB extravaganza on Sunday. How exciting! Don’t forget, if you won’t be there in person, the whole day will be on DVD for you sometime soon. So you can watch Craig do his thing in your own loungeroom. Or somewhere else. Whatever floats your boat. Enjoy your week everyone. On with the show…
Don’t Count Your Chickens
Have you ever met someone who seems to have embraced pessimism with such gloomy zeal that they could reduce the Wiggles to tears within minutes? Or perhaps turn them into emos – which could be both disturbing and cool (hmm, black skivvies). Of course, none of us who hang out at him-dot-com would ever be a pessimist. Especially yours truly (oops… wait a sec… I think I just set off my smoke alarm) but we may have met one. I certainly have. I was brought up with the idea that it is wise to expect the worst so I could be ‘pleasantly surprised’ when it (the worst) doesn’t occur.
What a great idea. Not.
I don’t think there was any cultural or religious basis for such a strategy; it was just one of those beliefs that somehow gets handed down through the generations like an ugly old vase that lives on the mantelpiece. Its place in the house has never questioned because it has always just been there, becoming literally part of the furniture. It’s only when you have been away for a while and then come back that you suddenly notice it and think ‘What the hell is that hideous thing still doing here?’
Some people consider the psychology behind the ‘expecting the worse’ strategy to be quite smart: to avoid a nasty shock, be miserable now. It’s a little like a pre-emptive strike against the universe “Ha! Mere circumstances, events, people and disasters have no power to make me unhappy – I’ve already done that myself! I win! Because I’m, er, depressed …”
Yep. Superpessimist, you’re really onto something there.
To me, the flaw in the pessimist’s cunning plan is that the ‘pleasantly surprised’ part of the deal rarely seems to eventuate. Actually, I can’t remember ever having witnessed such an event. If anything, the most joy I have seen is self-righteous satisfaction when the Voice of Doom’s most dire predictions have been proven correct. Because, evidently, it’s far more important to be right than happy. Of course it is.
Coincidence? I Think Not.
Apparently, one of the most common mistakes scientists make is to confuse correlation with causation. Fortunately (for everyone) I’m not a scientist so I can say with impunity that (to me) pessimists seem to be right more often than the average self-deluded optimist. Lucky them. 
They expect a journey to be long and tiring and that’s exactly what they get (create). They believe that they’re going to have a bad time at a party and they do. They expect life will be horrible and naturally, it is. They know that they are going to find it difficult to make new friends and (incredibly) that’s exactly what happens.
So, do pessimists have amazingly accurate predictive powers? Or could it be that they are walking, talking self-fulfilling prophesies? Perhaps the pessimist’s mindset influences their choices, responses, readiness to embrace opportunities and other people’s reactions to them? Call me crazy (and bear in mind that this is based on no empirical data whatsoever) but I suspect there might just be a causal relationship there. Could it be that their thinking (more than the events in their world) determines the ‘quality’ of their day-to-day experience?
Perhaps the pessimist’s reluctance to count their chickens before they are hatched actually ensures that very few of them make it out. Spend a day with a pessimist and you might just lose your enthusiasm, motivation and energy. For a while anyway. Spend a week with one and you might well lose the will to live. No wonder the poor little chickens want to stay safely inside their shells. 
This Is Gonna Hurt
One of the apparent selling points of pessimism is that it helps us to cope with disappointment. That is, if we are careful to not get our hopes up, if we expect bad things to happen, then it won’t hurt so much when they do. However, I’m not convinced that it actually works like that.
I can remember years ago when I was happily in the early stages of pregnancy. The ‘Voice of Doom’ (or voices, actually) in my life kept warning me about the risks involved and reminding me that many pregnancies don’t make it past the first three months. When the pregnancy did actually end in miscarriage in its ninth week, the emotional pain was not at all lessened by the fact that I had been half-expecting it. If anything, I was kicking myself for not making the most of that lovely period of hope and expectation.
To me, a great reason to avoid becoming a member of Pessimists Are Us is that they seem to miss out on some of the great joys in life: anticipation, excitement and hope. I know it’s important to live in the present moment and to choose to have an excellent day everyday – as he at him-dot-com wisely reminds us. However, I also love looking forward to things. That delicious, child-like excitement when imagining how fabulous something will be is precious and I don’t think it should be tempered by ‘You know it will probably rain …’ or ‘That course will be more hard work than you expect’ or ‘George Clooney is getting on in years, you could be disappointed’. Nope. I’m quite happy to entertain my naïve fantasies, thanks very much.
Choose Optimism
Mr Harper often talks about choice and the fact that we can choose our interpretations, our responses, our attitude and, therefore, our reality. That is, the way we see (and interact with) the world around us. Yep, even if we were raised by Mr and Mrs Gloom in Lower Doomsbury, we can become more positive and optimistic in our outlook. Pessimism can be strategically unlearned and optimism can be learned.
The following list is by no means a definitive ‘how to’ guide but some of these suggestions might help you kickstart your journey towards optimism (or help you to stay there if you have already arrived):
1. Appreciate the present and imagine a positive future. Gain some perspective about the abundant ‘good’ in your life. For the most part, the grass is always greener paradigm is a crock. If you’re sitting in front of a computer, if you ate breakfast this morning, if you have an education, if you have people who care about you and if you don’t live in abject poverty or a warzone, you have much to be grateful for. Becoming positive doesn’t mean being irresponsibly deluded – investing in waterfront property on the slowly sinking island of Kiribati probably isn’t a great idea – but it is important to allow yourself to be excited about and thankful for future possibilities, present blessings and past lessons.
2. Feed your mind healthy ‘food’. Just as your body responds to a nutritious diet, so too will your mind. Fill it with crap and you’ll make it sick – just like your body. Read and listen to quality material that will challenge your mind and stimulate your intellect. Choose to enjoy the process of learning.
3. Mind your language. The words that we use to describe a particular situation can determine our response to it. They can affect us emotionally, psychologically and physically. You may have noticed that he at him-dot-com invariably chooses positive words such as ‘challenge’, ‘lesson’ and ‘opportunity’ rather than negative words like ‘problem’, ‘disaster’ and ‘crisis’. Okay, giving a situation (event, circumstance) a different label may not immediately change things on a practical level but it does put us in a more creative, resourceful, solution-focused place – which equals changing our internal reality (where we live). Good grief; I think I’m sounding like you-know-who.
4. Surround yourself with positive people. We’re often reminded (on this site) to hang out with people who will drag us up rather than down. As far as possible, consciously and strategically arrange to spend your time with optimists rather than pessimists. To a point, we become who we hang out with. So, who and what do you want to become?
5. Intentionally find the good. Again, this is one of what’s-his-name’s favourite suggestions. Which (I’ve heard) can be really annoying when one is enjoying a self-indulgent pity party. I know, I know, ‘find the good’ works. If we can remember to search for the good (lesson, value, potential benefit) in (almost) any situation, we will find it.
As I said, the above suggestions are just a few tips to set you on your way from a regular girl (mum, history teacher, part-time comic) who is not a psychologist but rather, a student of human behaviour, like you. If you’re interested in learning how to change camps (not for yourself, of course, but maybe for someone you know) then you could read ‘Learned Optimism’ by Martin Seligman Phd. It’s a little heavy (ok, a lot) but it’s well worth the effort.
So…
Do you think you are an optimist or a pessimist (or perhaps a little of each)? Have circumstances dictated whether or not you are an optimist or a pessimist or have you strategically chosen your way of seeing the world? Do you think it’s really possible to learn to become an optimist?
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. CJ xox
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Great post CJ. I wish one of my flatmates would stop seeing that glass half empty all the time – it’s very draining as I attempt to pour optimism from my full glass into hers! And…sorry to burst your bubble…but I saw George Clooney in person last summer and he looked like his older, thinner brother! (But maybe this means he is, reassuringly, human after all, and no one is out of anyone’s league?)
Wow. That was my Dad’s motto for me and my sibs growing up: “Expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised.” I’m still trying to reprogram that one. (love the image of the ugly vase)
Why can’t I just expect the best and be confident I can deal with disappointment should it come my way? I think my father had a huge fear of us suffering any disappointments. I’ve gone back to study this year at the age of 42, and one ordinary mark in and I’ve gone into complete gloom. Good thing is now I’m much better at getting out of it and stopping the catastrophising that was part of my upbringing. I know I function a lot more effectively and achieve a lot more when I am looking forward with enthusiasm and faith. Thanks for the food for thought. Very apt for me today. Cheers,
Hi CJ, a great post!
I remember my wise Granny used to say to me as a kid/teen that ‘if you don’t expect too much you won’t be disappointed’. I think she meant if something better than expected happened……………..be grateful and surprised, appreciate and be pleased with the good…………………..and don’t get too despondent if the not so good happens, it’s more normal, – and there are always people worse off than us! She isn’t a pessimist at all but I think would rather we really appreciate and value the good or even slightly better than expected things that happen (rather than expect them out of self right). She doesn’t believe in dwelling on it if things aren’t as good as hoped! I guess she knew she had to work hard for a keep in her days and is worried about current generations who may feel a sense of entitlement compared to her thoughts on her generation.
I even think of Granny’s advice with my job. It’s OK in many ways, could be better, (like everyones employment prob could be). So I always think it…………………could be lots worse, (and it could be as well). My boyfriend says it could also be lots better. Ho hum, a bit to consider but it always comes down to personal choice…………..and the grass isn’t always greener. Attitude as well as the facts also plays a big part!
Pip
Great post CJ! One a step from The Little Pink Booklet of Aloha (by Serge King) that has helped me tremendously is to “bless” trough’s that have what I want. I find that by appreciating what other have or accomplish in the same areas of my goals keeps me very optimistic. If one can do something, anyone can do the something. Thanks again for a great post.
I can’t remember how many (somewhere in the thousand and million) times my optimistic belief were shot down (mainly by situation) but I believe there’s more than being optimistic. I have even tried to find reason + evidence to support my optimistic belief and yet didn’t work out. The solution I have came up with is faith. My definition of faith is totally unrelated to God (which most people seem to tie faith with God). My definition of faith is the following:
1. Belief that whatever you want will happen…
2. Ignore the possibility that it will not happen…
3. Work hard
4. Be flexible (meaning willing to change and make the necessary sacifice)
Without the last two, you are delusional, meaning you sit on your butt hoping that somehow it will work out (many would refer to their God). And what I have found out (the hard way) is the hardest part is being flexible. Meaning I have to work on the daily feeling (To be or not to be, to do or not to do) and have to compromise my situation and belief. Luckily, we human is equiped with a super computer. If we intrepret our feeling correctly, somehow, things will work out. These days, I have relied more on my feeling to guide me what to do, rather than logic. And I am still in conflict with myself because in order to get to the other side, I have to make some hard decision… At this point, the only thing I can rely on is faith (by my own definition)
This couldn’t have come at a better time–I was just talking about this subject with a friend of mine-
!. Do you think you are an optimist or a pessimist (or perhaps a little of each)?
I used to be a huge pessimist–always whining about something going wrong in my life, not willing to make it better, blah blah blah.
Within the past 2 years, however, I have gotten rid of the “toxicity” in my life and have found this huge breath of fresh air just come streaming into my life, removing all of the negative bullshit.
2. Have circumstances dictated whether or not you are an optimist or a pessimist or have you strategically chosen your way of seeing the world?
I think it’s a bit of both for me. I was with someone for 15 years who was the most negative person you’ll ever meet (a real “Debbie Downer”)–his attitude was adopted by me after being with him (I realize this now after removing myself from that environment). It truly is amazing how much someone elses attitude on life can affect how you perceive things as well. Now, I am happily single, very optimistic (I see the glass half full instead of half empty), see the beauty in everything and not the negative crap. Sure, shit’s gonna happen, but you either stay laying down in it and wallow, or pull up your bootstraps and march right through it…the choice is yours.
3. Do you think it’s really possible to learn to become an optimist?
Absolutely! You can “re-train” yourself to see the positive things and not try to pick out the negative things or dwell on the crap in your life. It’s when you wallow in it that it consumes you….
Great article, CJ!
Of course optimism can be learned! Its like “Fake it till Ya Make It” thinking..
I come to work at 4am each weekday morning to stand out the front and greet every person that comes to work, and to thank every single person that leave night shift, for their efforts…
think that goes down un noticed? By Management.. yes, but not by any of the people that get greeted by a smiley positive face every morning.. and they are the ones that count to me.
Positivity makes an obvious difference in my work place.
And do you really think I bounce out of bed each morning excited by coming to work in the dark, smile automatically in place? Of course not, it is a behaviour that was forced to start with, but as i see this behaviour making a positive difference, it gets easier each day… now I am awake before the alarm at 3am, looking forward to talking to the people that are fast becoming members of a kind of extended family to me, rather than nameless men working in the same location to me…Making these people happy, makes me happy.
These men work in various locations around Qld, and each have commented that they miss the enthusiasm and positivity when not on “My” sites.
So yes, optimism and enthusiasm, and positivity can be learned.. and it makes a difference.
i have always been an optimist but when my daughter HAD cancer I learned how to go to a different levl of optimism and HOPE.
Hope is now my favourite word.
Sorry I forgot to tick the box
Thank you CJ. I consider myself an optimist in practise at the moment
posts like this provide me with the gentle reminder to remember that I have the choice. Cheers!
CJ – love this post! You got it right …
I think there’s a lot to be said for the baggage that we bring with us to each and every decision point / opportunity in our lives. And it’s how you are feeling at the time that will determine how quickly you can march through it (as one poster put it). Some things will take us a little longer to get through or over and they might involve a lot of lessons along the way or only a couple. Some days it’ll be easy and other days you’ll be really working hard to get that negative dude off your shoulder. But hey, that’s life. The only person who can change it though, is you.
I think that the optimists are the ones who say “This is important to me and I’m going to really work hard at it” whereas the pessimists say “this is all too hard”. Realists are probably sitting on the fence, neutral, more likely to say “it is what it is”.
Now to me, two of these three “types” are missing out on all the fun and excitement that comes with being optimistic, hopeful, and “good” things that are out there.
So yeah, just as we can learn about how to train our body, learn what foods are good for us, I reckon you can learn to be optimistic. Just depends how important it is to you.
Hi CJ,
Your post is fabulous and I do agree that optimism is by far the healthier option and certainly results in more effective outcomes for most of us.
I am a long time lurker, but today I just couldn’t help myself. I wanted to let you know that in this case the science actually is up to speed with this. The Positive Psychology movement (ie study of human wellbeing, happiness and excellence as opposed to understanding mental illness any more than we already do) has been investigating optimism and hope for a number of years now. There is in fact considerable evidence of 2 key things:
1. Pessimists are more realistic (ie they evaluate themselves and the likelihood of certain outcomes more accurately); HOWEVER
2. Optimists live longer, do better in life, are less likely to be ill, have happier marriages (and the list goes on).
It would seem that people develop an inclination to one or the other (and here the nature nurture people are still arguing) but there is considerable support for the fact that we can learn both optimism and helplessness. One protects us from depression and the other will almost certainly guarantee a date with depression.
How can we learn Optimisim? Well this subject is the topic of two books written by Dr Martin Seligman – Learned Optimism and Authentic Happiness. The first has been around a while – but still points clearly in the direction of the key thinking tools that help people to overcome the particular traps of the pessimistic world view. Authentic Happiness further explores the additional research, and techniques around building the positive side of life – enhancing our sense of hope, experiencing in the present moment and embracing our strengths rather than constantly harping on about our weaknesses.
Oh, and Dr S is a self proclaimed reformed pessimist. So he walks his talk.
Cheers – and here’s to living optimistically and demonstrating by example that while the pessimists might be “right” that right isn’t always the solution to a happy human existence.
Love it, love it, love it CJ!!!
I’m in my late 30s and studying to be a chef in my part time. At school last week one of the guys stuffed up a praline mix. He was sooooo upset – yet all I could say was ‘this is brilliant’!!! He looked at me oddly and I explained ‘where else could be learn to stuff something up and rectify it!’ How else do we learn…
There is a good side to EVERYTHING. Hard to believe and imagine (as I explained to my friend who just lost her baby at 20 weeks in utero) but there HAS to be.
Life is what we make of it. My motto “it’s all good”. After all, is has to be, doesn’t it?
Great post CJ.
I used to be 100% optimistic to the point of driving everyone nuts a little! Now I am about 75% optimistic. I can always see good in the future and can always find the silver lining if I look for it… the 25% pessimistic is sometimes I get bogged down in the things in my life that stress me and forget to look for the good.
In my blog I used to write a daily ‘I am grateful’ list which helped enormously in reminding me how much in my life was fabulous. You have inspired me to go back to doing that!
What a great focus point CJ! Optimisum vs Perssimium the Yin and Yang of life.
To be honest I just don’t hang with people like this…I may come across them at a family event or in a meeting but that is the extent of it, as i choose it.
I think there is big difference between a realist and a pessimist but the one thing I find so contradictory is those people who when you are ‘being human’ say think of the starving people or send you emails of people with NO legs I mean really HOW PESSIMISTIC! I mean what gets them to do that… if you want to be positive – how about some action and supporting someone… anyway (a Kate opinion) that.. its just some sick twisted notion that if I don’t deal with my problems they will go away! Oh welcome to real world!
For me being optimistic is… Living your life now and being grateful for all it, unconditionally.
I think it is all a choice.. and yes Science is right – our chemicals do play a part – and hence get up get the endorphins and EXERCISE!
I don’t think it really matters how large or small your issues are it really is mind set… many of my friends grew up, fell in love, had the perfect, kids, perfect home and feature in numerous magazines but you know what…. They are so negative and nothing can buy a change of state!
I often hear people say you are so positive and happy Kate and in a way I feel almost guilty because I am.. I am not sure if its because I exercise every day or the fact that I get that this is how it is … whatever it is doesn’t really matter because this is the only reality I will ever know. Great post! So looking forward to the weekend – excited..
Another pearl CJ. It was great to get home from work and have this post the first thing to read. Great start to my week off. Great comments as well. Positive vibes to you all.
The pessimist sees danger in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every danger
Hi guys,
Thanks for your comments. It’s always great to hear your opinions and perspectives.
Welcome to our first-time commentor, Louise. Yep, Martin Seligman’s ‘Learned Optimism’ is awesome; I must look up his second one too. Thanks for the tip ☺
Enjoy your weekend, everyone. Can’t wait for Sunday!
CJ xox
This is brilliant stuff, it’s amazing when you read this stuff and can immediately picture the person that it relates to. I really need to show this post to a few people I know.
This is brilliant stuff, it’s amazing when you read this stuff and can immediately picture the person that it relates to. I really need to show this post to a few people I know.
Hey there loving the blog! I was wondering if you would be interested in exchanging links? I am looking add more great self improvement blogs to my blog roll. Let me know if you wanna exchange links
Success Demands Action: A Self Improvement Blog
I really enjoyed your post, CJ, and love your sense of humour (not taking yourself too seriously!).
I was lucky to have an optimistic mother who was definitely a ‘glass half full’ person, and I have passed that attitude on to my daughter.
I have read a lot of books on optimism and staying positive, and read somewhere that positive thinking is like exercise: you can’t expect to get fit and then stop exercising, you have to keep working on it. Optimism is the same. You need to keep reinforcing a positive attitude, especially with the media so obsessed with reporting (and predicting) bad news. I find dipping into to my inspirational books from time to time helps keep me focused on the good things in life!
I do not even watch the news anymore unless its a specific kind of news, i.e. reading about music and sports news, that sort of thing. Reading or watching the “regular news” just creates a negative feeling.
Pessimists are always creating doubt in their lives, so they don’t enjoy life, or even live it. I chose the other direction in order to live a better and healthier life