Okay, so this post is up a day(ish) early. My Thursday is a little busy this week so I thought I best be ultra organised. I wouldn’t want you to think I’m getting lazy in my middle age. Hope you’re having a great week by choice, doing what you need to do, and being the change. On with the show…
Poor Delusional Me
Being a single bloke in his forties draws all kinds of comments, suggestions, inferences and questions from a broad cross-section of people, with responses ranging from pity to surprise, through to outright jealousy. Apparently the most interesting thing about me (for some people) is my wife-less-ness (a Craigism). Clearly there’s something weird, dark and dysfunctional about me that needs to be explored and explained.
Or… I could just be a happy, single bloke.
Naaah.
Pity
Women periodically feel sorry for me (while simultaneously trying to hook me up with their sister, cousin, neighbour or girlfriend), while blokes have been known to ask if I’d be interested in trading lives with them. According to some people, I must be miserable, lonely, unfulfilled and emotionally inept. Apparently I just think I’m happy; I’m just telling myself that to make ‘me’ feel better about being tragically single. And lonely. Poor delusional Craig.
Gotta say, my delusion is quite the place. You should visit.
The Happiness Fraud
After all, we live in our head and we create our own reality don’t we? So if I think I’m happy and I feel happy then that would make me… happy. Wouldn’t it? Nope, apparently I’m in denial. Consciously happy but subconsciously miserable. All this time and I didn’t realise. So ignorant of me. I’ve been a happiness fraud without knowing it. I best start working on my frown. And my country music CD collection. If only I could find an unhappy married person to challenge the marriage-happiness correlation theory. As if I’m gonna find one of them.
Oh well.
Husband anyone?
A Rubik’s Cube with Hair
Last time I spoke about being single on this site I was inundated with feedback on the matter. I personally seem to go through cycles where my wife-less-ness is of greater or lesser interest to other people. For me, it’s a non-issue but it seems that some people are always trying to figure me out. Apparently I’m some kind of complex human puzzle that needs to be solved. Or cured perhaps. Someone raises the subject with me at least once a week. Never smoked, never consumed alcohol, never been married = weird. At least once a week I hear something like “it’s strange that someone in your position (my position?) isn’t married.” Okay, it’s official; I’m strange. If not me, my situation.
Ticking the Boxes
But this article is not about my marital status, it’s about pressure, standards, expectations and the unwritten rules. You know the rules. Living in Western Society there are certain boxes which (allegedly) need to be ticked if we’re going to fit in and be seen as normal. The irony of normal being that while it’s apparently desirable, it’s not necessarily where happiness lives. In reality, some people’s (version of) normal is actually what provides them with the most pain, frustration and grief. We think we want normal but perhaps what we really want is exceptional. Abnormal even. After all, take a look at society’s normal and it ain’t really that attractive. In fact, we could say that it looks kinda broke, a little chubby, somewhat unhealthy, not particularly happy and decidedly unfulfilled (miserable) with it’s career.
2.3 Kids
Of course there are the accepted (expected maybe) social standards and behaviours; kind of like a life TO DO list. It’s not always spoken of… but it exists. All the stuff us normal folk are meant to do over the course of our normal lives. Marriage (at least once), kids (2.3 of them), annual holidays (2-4 weeks, somewhere warm), buy a house (pay it off over two hundred years – can’t go wrong with real estate), a sensible job (large firm, good conditions, something secure, potential for progression), weekly attendance at a house of worship (keeping in mind the eternal consequences of non-attendance)… you get the point. Of course there’s nothing wrong (at all) with aspiring to marriage, a good career, financial success, a couple of rug rats or a respected place in the congregation or the after-life, but the problem lies in our (society’s) consensual thinking that ticking these boxes automatically provides an individual with a better (more balanced, more fulfilled, more worthwhile, happier) life than the person who ticks zero (of those) boxes.
The Enormity of Conformity
On some level we all want to fit in, but it seems that in trying to blend in with the landscape of humanity we often lose our purpose, our individuality and our sense of self. We lose, or maybe never discover, the real us. The us we could be. Should be. Rather than exploring our potential, our talent, our curiosities and our passion, we become what’s expected of us. We tick boxes. We keep parents happy. Bosses happy. We say the right things. Do the right things. We conform. We become another clone. And living in a world which so often punishes individuality, conformity is understandable. Sad, but understandable.
Rules Schmules
I often think about the impact that the great unspoken TO DO list has on our lives. The rules, the expectations, the pressure, the confusion, the embarrassment and even the shame of not conforming, not ticking all the boxes and not living up to society’s standards or the expectations of others in our world. Some of us have spent far too much time, ticking way too many boxes. Perhaps it’s time to stop.
{ 57 comments… read them below or add one }
Craig
I just wanted you to know that i will not be making any comments about this post. Well i guess i just did but you know what i mean. Now that you know this you can relax…breathe easy.
Ange
Hi Craig. After your recent observation that I never leave any comments I am boldly making the the first one. Very daring of me!
For the first time in my life I am not making decisions based on what I think I should be doing according to society’s idea of happiness. I have an elevated awareness all of a sudden of who I am and what I want and it’s not what I have struggled to be at all. I don’t feel like I tick any of the so-called boxes and I love that. But…if I want to tick a box I will!
You go Harper! Nice work with Jo too. Seems you have a fan there! But then again, why wouldn’t you!
Hi Craig,
The words, can of worms, come to my mind, I wonder why?
I’m also wondering if Mary hasn’t been on the phone to you today? You can tell her that you know at least ONE person who would be unhappily married if she didn’t know that she lived in her head and has to choose happiness everyday however damn pissed off, with the situation she has created around her, she becomes. ‘Cos being pissed off would be a total waste of my limited emotional energy, right?
I accept that I am less balanced, less fulfilled and quite possibly less happy than you but I’ve already asked to swap lives with you and for some “weird” reason you didn’t jump at the prospect. Maybe you just don’t find my husband that attractive, I don’t know?
I would gladly trade places with your wonderful system of non conformity but I made a rash decision based on my needs at the time to find a solution to the problem of recreating my wonderful self, numerous times as it turns out, and although I find your style of non conformity gorgeous in theory, was it really an option for me to inflict that choice on my unborn kids? I’m not being sarcastic, it’s a question I ponder, often! It’s a question I asked myself before I got married, but I couldn’t find one good example of an overly fulfilled, happy or balanced single mother raising a pack of bastards and was too scared, yes I know that’s a terrible reason, to test the theory all by myself. My bad! My bed and all that!
Normality may not do much for my personal inner happiness but in my experience my kids are pretty pleased with the whole deal. Now that probably makes me a people pleaser or worse, but it’s tough to negotiate with lives that aren’t your own, or maybe that’s just me too.
Singleness suits you, I hope you never change it. I also think for your “situation” hanging onto that whole sexy single image doesn’t hurt you in the least. I honestly believe that you are just a happy single bloke (damn you…LOL). I do wish you’d have kids purely cause the world needs more Craig or Craigette Harpers, but then look at all the trouble I’ve caused myself from trying to populate the world with people I like.
Hugs,
Human Incubator #436214
No way I’m gonna sign my name to this, but you know who this is anyway, right?
Too late, too late. I could have used this column 20 years ago before I started down the typical to do list instead of making my own much more interesting one.
Thanks.
In my experience all the unhappily married men tend to be married to the unhappily married women
Labas, Craig
What is wrong with you Craig!
)) Okey, I’m joking. I believe, if you are living with this stupid hidden global to-do list in your hands, you are losing yourself.
Manhug ( ),
Saulius
I say that convention, much like fashion, is something that you should only follow if it looks good on you.
So as long as you’re like me and don’t mind the occasional befuddled look thrown your way, you’ll be fine.
Well Mr.Harper, you’ve certainly just pushed a few buttons for me. I think I’ve been way too busy trying to tick everyone else’s boxes though, without even giving my own a second thought… Best I work on that… Thanks for the gentle nudge!!
Amanda B
Okay Ange…
Good work… Anon!
( )
Hello Human Incubator
I’m confused but it’s late. I’ll figure it out…
( )
Never too late Joy… ( )
We’re on the same page Saulius – ( )
I’m with you Bean Jones..
Cheers
you mean you're not married … how weird ?!? … just kidding, if you're happy with how you are living your life (and you seem to be) what business is it of anyone else (well accept for those with unmarried daughters, sisters & aunts) … serioulsy i think people who get hung up on how others "should" be living their lives need to find other things to do …
Keep up the good work.
i understand human incubator well! it is so hard to bring up kids and not tick boxes.. the boxes get ticked for them. non conformity can be a very selfish thing when you have children, Everything you do affects them.
JC
Where exactly do we draw the line between ticking everyone else’s boxes, and our own…. in fact i’m sure there’s a cross-over point there somewhere….
If we never have (create for ourselves) an opportunity to create our own boxes, how would we know what we wanted to tick????
Perhaps by ticking a few of the ‘normal’ boxes we find that eventually creating our own is a far better option!
Single can be fantastic for those who have created that box…. (A wise man once told me…. Why be with anyone, just to have someone!!)
Choice is a very gorgeous thing!!!
Hope you’re feeling better CH
KK…
XXXXXXXXXX
Hi Craig, (warning..long one)
I have been reading your emails and bloggs for the last year or so.. an Australian, moved across to the USA (in pursuit of happiness?
) no…just a great opportunity in a global Finance company I could not resist. (I also have an exercise physiol background) so quickly realized I could not be stuck in the corporate finance world for long…I have since left)..
I really enjoy the challenge and thought provoking comments you have on your site. Many bring a smile to my face or at least a chuckle at the realization that your point struck a cord within me. I go through my waves of “deep, reflection” and really resonated with your analogy of “building a house” the other week.
I couldn’t agree more with your comments about people trying to “pigeon-hole” you into a category or group. Society tells us to get married, get a job, all that good stuff.. but I see so many people who check all their boxes (before 30) (including getting married – at least once!) and are still the most unfulfilled, miserable souls in the world! They have not thought more about what they want to achieve out of life (but in society’s definition of “complete”) they have it all, Married, 1.4 kids (or 1 kid if you are in China), white picket fence etc.
Your true friends will appreciate you for all you are and just want you to be happy, whatever that means for you. I am sure they will send along a few friendly females if they feel they can add fun and love into your life – but I figure they are acting upon their own impulses…if they were single, they probably would expect/want match matching…or something
Anyway thanks again for all your insight..and humor!
Don’t blame the boxes!!!
It is up to each one of us to make our own “list”
And yes, we all do!
Some look like this:
_ Kind husband
_ Good hair
_ Lovely home
_ etc
And some look like this:
_ Successful gym
_ Awesome website
_ Massive pecs
As long as we remember the important stuff,
that we are not measured nor defined by any of these;
They are solely for our enrichment and enjoyment.
But you can also tick really important stuff like:
_ Integrity
_ Sincerity
_ Healthy
_ Optomistic
So, I ask you… is our happiness based on random events or it is part of some gallatic task list?
Just remember… to establish your boxes for yourself, don’t let anyone else choose them for you!
()
Tami
(Just trying to stop the senseless violence against the boxes
Erm Craig, I’ll marry you, just kidding (no I’m not) Loved the You Tube posts when are you doing more, I miss your lovely face of inspiration,
22, blonde, English….. nope ahh well at least I tried. Just cos you’re single doesn’t mean ppl don’t fancy you
Laura
-x-
Cheers Jigsaw ( )
Hi JC – I’m not suggestion we shouldn’t tick boxes, I am suggesting
1) We don’t all need to tick the same boxes
2) Ticking certain (universally endorsed) boxes doesn’t necessarily equate to happiness
Cheers
Thanks KK x
Hi Runningfree – nice to hear from you and thanks for sharing your thoughts and saying hi – enjoying the States?
( )
Hi Tam – you mean people have a list with ‘good hair’on it?
Too funny.
Hugs Tam ( )
Hi Laura – Marriage it is – just email your details and we’ll settle on a date and venue! Do I need to speak to your Dad first? Maybe we should start with coffee? Thanks for the vote of confidence Laura..
Too kind.
I’ll do my best to produce a video post over the next week or two.. enjoy your day
( )
Hi Craig. I think people are interested in your single status because we like to define people. I am from the country and if you aren’t married right out of high school, you are ‘left on the shelf’ (my favorite expression) and a label is firmly placed on your head. I was the ripe old age of 23 when I met my husband and was widely thought of to be ‘one of those lesbians’. I have no problem with the gay lifestyle, I just happen to like men.
Ok the point of this rambling is that people have to define you as SOMETHING. Let them. Its how you define yourself that really matters.
I look forward to the workshop in Adelaide!!
Never smoked, never consumed alcohol, never been married = weird
If you’re weird then I’ll take weird over normal any day!!
()
Suu
Hi almost-left-on-the-shelf Joanne! Too funny. See you at the workshop
( )
Thanks Suu! ( )
Hi, i just poured my heart to you and lost the comment. damn it.
Lurve you emails craig
Naomi
Hi Craig
Great post…….are you still wandering out for your barefoot late night walks?! Totally unrelated to the post but the thought crossed my mind
Cheers
Di
I hate to bring up the unmentionable but I must admit that I am both intrigued and impressed by the fact that you are happily single. It sounds like the perfect choice… for you.
I have been divorced and single for over 3 years. This decision was influenced by the realization that I had checked off a lot of boxes on the golden list and still felt empty. (I’m sure this is not unusual.)
Sometimes being single can feel pretty lonely (at least for me). How do you find the right level of companionship to satisfy that need? Friendships and family don’t always provide the same type of companionship, especially when they have lives of their own.
I don’t have any children, but I often wonder what it would be like to live a long life without them. Who will provide companionship for you then? Are nieces and nephews enough? They say that the people who live the longest are those with the strongest sense of community. I am curious if you have answers that work for you. If they work for you, maybe they’d work for me too!
Thanks for the post Craig! I hope I didn’t pursue an inappropriate topic.
-Steph
Hi Craig
Really loved your post! so sick of people always trying to pigeon-hole me when I’m completely happy with how I am and living my life as I want ! think it may be a case of ‘misery loves company’!
Rachel
I love you loving them Naomi! ( )
See you in ten sleeps Pet!!
( )
Hi Dianna – I do the occasional barefoot walk these days – about one a fortnight… still fun. ( )
Craig, I am a 35 year old woman running a successful fitness business who happens to be single and happy. (NO WAY I’m not fishing for a date!!
). I have no plans for children and this does not make me a Cruella DeVille child hater! My parents and friends have never questioned my choices and love and support me, so once I hit my thirties and started getting disapproving questions, comments and snide remarks from clients and acquaintances I was stunned. One client even called me “barren”. Seriously.
We all just need to keep our “eyes on our own work”. The beauty of this era is choice, and we need to make much more of an effort supporting others choices, even if they don’t match our own. As long as we make choices that increase our own happiness and don’t cause suffering to others we can never be wrong.
Keep up the great work Craig. You’re changing lives one word at a time x
Hi there..
Oi Anonymous at 6.57pm.. look here!! You just found a very fulfilled, very happy, way way balanced single mother of 3 awesome kids (ok well the 2 teenage girls arent all that awesome at the minute but im smiling through). Id rather you didnt refer to them as bastards, k? thanks!!
Yr post rocked but is everyone seriously freakin out over this topic?
If youre weird cos yr single, then yay to weird.
I like it also, im happy here.
How does live and let live sound? It bothers me much when people judge others, however it tells me way more about them than it does about me.
Boxes, schmoxes… I have only one. Follow yr heart.
Im getting off track…
Enjoy yr Thursday…
Hugs
xx
Hi Steph – my life is full of great people – so I guess I get a lot of my needs met that way.
By the way, I am not trying to ’sell’ singledom – I am merely suggesting that we learn what works for us individually rather than conforming to the generic TO DO list….
( )
Cheers Rachel ( )
Thanks Anon.. ( )
Hi Craig,
I wanted to make sure you knew that I didn’t read your message as a “sales-pitch” for being single. I truly admire you for living in your integrity. I thought I would try to learn something new from your perspective. I can definitely see why you are surrounded by a lot of great people.
Thanks for listening. Hugs back.
-Steph
Go Friday…~!
( )
Cool Steph.. ( )
I have my very own “tick list for life”. And I am on a mission to get as far down the list as possible… I think its the labelling that ‘they’ apply to you if you dont conform that is the issue. I am a single mum of two, I am training for a body sculpting comp, I work as a PT, Practice Manager and Life Coach, I am studying and I have a much younger partner. I have been labelled everything from selfish to inspirational. I guess it depends who’s tick list I am being measured against.
Stick with your own list and be true to yourself and tick whatever bloody boxes you want – or dont???
Jen
Goal Power
Hey Craig….interesting stuff as usual.
I am your age and never thought I would find a partner or have kids. Had all the ups and downs for 41 years.
Have now been happily married for 1 year and just recently found out that well have to buy some nappies next April
Have never been one to tick boxes but they seem to be ticking themselves lately.
Best part for me is starting and ending the day with an “I love you” to each other. (soppy I know but sorta does it for me.)
Enjoy each day….
Source (man hug 4 u)
Sounds like you’ve got it sorted Jen… good for you.
Cheers.
Hey Source – thanks for sharing man. Very nice. I wish more guys would do that on this site… good for you
Congrats
Manhug ( )
What you did not mention is the poisonous question – (just after someone inquires about your family) -
ARE YOU SEEEING ANYONE?????
There is nothing more miserable and lonely than being unhappily married. Ask around. You will never question again!