So yesterday’s post pushed a few buttons, generated some interest and I’m sure was the catalyst for a little discussion and debate. Good, that was the goal. Someone also requested that I write a ‘Day in the life of Craig’ post. The idea seemed to appeal to a few people (not sure why), so I’ll do that next week. You’ll either find it really interesting or mindlessly boring. I guess it depends on how much detail I divulge, what interests you and where you’re at in your journey. My life is kinda busy, a little unconventional and periodically hilarious, so I’ll do my best to provide you with a completely honest, warts-and-all eighteen hour Craig day.
On with today’s instalment…
Ever noticed how some people seem desperate to hold on to hurt? Yep, curiously some of us appear to be totally committed to our misery, our fear, our anger and our less-than-desirable existence. Somewhere, somehow, someone has done something to hurt us (intentionally or not) and no matter what, we’re gonna find a way to hang on to that emotional crap for years. And years. Even if it kills us. Some of us inhabit misery by choice. We think we don’t, but we do. There’s no way we’re letting go of that stuff; we have a very good reason to be bitter, twisted, resentful, paranoid and of course, dysfunctional. So we will be. Just stand back and watch. Yep, some of us revel in our emotional baggage. The trade off being that it provides us with periodic attention and sympathy. And as deals go, that’s a crap one.
What Would You Know?
“It’s easy for you to be smug Craig, but you don’t understand what he/she/they did to me!” And my question to you would be, “But do you know what you’re doing to yourself? You’re doing more harm by handing over your power, your potential and your possibilities to another person or to some historical event, situation or circumstance… than anyone or anything could ever do to you.”
Maintaining the Rage
People who won’t let go and move on are actually hurting themselves more than they will ever hurt anyone else. In truth, the only thing we can change about our history is what we let it represent in our life (mind, thinking) today. That is, the meaning (the power) we give it now. Many people are living in a self-created and self-perpetuated emotional prison, holding on to baggage that they should have dumped years ago. And in their mind they keep justifying the rage, the misery, the negativity and the debilitating attitude. Yes, it (the pain) may have been triggered by another person or event, and yes it may have been tragic and very real… but the hurt can only be maintained by us. And we do. Sometimes forever. The lifelong victim. Poor baby. “But you don’t understand my situation, my story.”
Tragedy is Relative
Well, I do understand that shit happens to all of us. Welcome to the very large club. The human experience is frequently uncomfortable, people will treat you badly, you will get hurt, the world is not a fair place (just watch the news or visit a cancer ward) and bad things happen to good people. I also understand that we can inhabit misery, fear and rejection, or we can choose to do what many won’t and let go, move on, forgive, find the good and become solution oriented rather than problem focused. Go and spend a week living in abject poverty in the Sudan without food or water and then tell me how hard your life is and how unfair your world is. Tragedy is relative. Perspective is an interesting thing; sometimes it’s the difference between self-pity and joy, and sometimes it’s the difference between prison and freedom. An emotional and psychological shift can take us from misery to happiness in a matter of minutes – without anything changing in our external world. That’s power. That’s potential. And that’s available to all of us every day.
Sorry, too Busy Finding Food
In many places in the world (right now as you’re reading this) they don’t have the time or energy to spend feeling sorry for themselves, to be a victim, or to go to therapy because they’re too busy trying to stay alive. That whole ‘trying to find water and food thing’ will certainly take your mind off those hurtful words someone spoke about you ten years ago. By the way, the real problem is not our history (what has or hasn’t happened to us), our situation, our circumstance or the people in our world… it’s how WE LET those things/people affect us today.
Emotional Growth
When we let go of the anger, the fear, the jealousy, the resentment, the arrogance and the ego we begin to find freedom, joy and even relief. We start to discover who we are and what we can become. It’s liberating and enlightening. It represents a shift in our consciousness and is a sign of emotional growth and maturity. We may even begin to like ourselves. When we let go of being the incessant, insecure people pleaser and the human doormat, we begin to find our own voice and inner strength. And when we let go of the desperate, at times pathetic need to be loved, liked, wanted, noticed and valued, we instantly become more attractive, desirable and lovable.
Sometimes less is more and sometimes we just need to let go.
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
I have found the biggest stumbling block to letting go of pain and anger is my erroneous belief that it somehow protects me from future hurt and pain. It somehow feels logical, although it’s a total lie. But it FEELS like: “If I stay angry at you, that wall keeps you far enough away that you can’t do it again” or “I’ve been cheated on before, so my belief that ‘no man can be trusted’ will keep me alert so I don’t get bamboozled again,” etc. We believe the lie that hanging onto these attitudes will protect us from further hurt, when in fact those very attitudes practically guarantee more hurt and a lot LESS joy in life. So much of what we do is based on ill-conceived ideas of protecting ourselves, and it’s sad. If you can confront that lie though, it’s a lot easier to let go.
Kristi Holl
Writer’s First Aid blog
Hi Craig,
Damn right words which find way to my heart. We all should let it go. For sure.
P.s. How are you doing? I wasn’t for some time. Soon will catch up.
Loving it,
Saulius
Craig I so want to implant this message in the brain of my ex husband – and even his dad too…but you know what…It’s not my problem so I will not even try. I am glad to be out of that place that’s for sure.
BTW I have met some of those goals…I have been back to gym, drunk water, started some stuff I enjoy other than sitting on the computer…I just have to make it all stay that way:)
Hugs
Hi Craig,
wow another fantastic message from you!!!!
This would have been fantastic a few years ago as I was hanging on to way too much emotional baggage. I found it exhausting, so I decided to move on. I immediately felt better within myself and my whole outlook on life became happier and healthier. I can’t change anything that happened in my life I can only make what’s to come more positive.
Looking forward to the Day in the life post…..it’s always good reading about other people and how they live especially when they are teaching us how to be our best.
Have an awesome day
Hugs
Michelle x
Hi Kristi – thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences…
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Hi Saulius – I’m great
Thanks from dropping by
Cheers
Hi Enuff – you sound like you’re on track – good for you ( )
Hi Michelle
Day in the life post… on it’s way
Maybe
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Hi Craig,
This was the perfect article for me to read. I have a personal goal to stop the self-sabotage I seem to inflict on myself! So far , so good & I am a much happier person.
Cheers
Tracey
Hi Tracey – yeah, that whole self-sabotage thing doesn’t generally produce great results!!
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Dear Mr Harper
We most definately become more attractive when we let go of that ugliness of negative emotional baggage.
So, I do believe, forgive, set yourself free & stay beautiful.
Blessings
I did my MER (minimum effective response) to the idiot who bashed me during for 7 years of my first marriage.
I wrote it all down, forgave him (yes,forgave him) then screwed up the pages and flushed them down the loo.
It was liberating and now I don’t have that as an excuse to keep stuffing my face.
I smile a whole lot more now and losing weight is an added benefit.
Cheers and hugs everyone.
Suu
Speaking of perspective, i had a bit of a wake up call recently. Well not really a wake up call but it did make me see things differently about the way i’ve been treating my body and my attitude towards changing it.
A few weeks back i bought a 3 month gym membership (can never stick to those 1yr memberships) and my personal trainer said if i want to speed up my results i had to go to the gym every weekday first thing in the morning for 3 months. My reaction to that was ‘no freakin way’. I can’t even wake up on time to get to work. I went on and on to him about how i can never stick to a routine for more than a week, how i don’t have enough discipline to be consistent, how i was too tired to wake up that early to workout etc etc. He was like ‘nope you have to do it, if you want the body i think you want that’s what you gotta do. One hour in the morning, 30minutes in the evening. no excuses. Look, your paid up for 3 months so you may as well just go for it and see what you can achieve in that time. Either do it or spend another 10yrs sitting on your ass bitching about what your body and how you never achieve anything.’
So 3 weeks ago when I started ‘project ange’, i needed 3alarm clocks to help get me up that early. After the first couple of days of this routine i’d had enough and was ready to chuck it all in with a ‘who gives a shit, i don’t have to put up with this crap blah blah blah’. Then i started thinking about all the horrible stuff out there in the world. Poverty, starvation, war, landmines. I thought about all the things that could happen to a person in a lifetime. Stepping on a landmine, losing your family in a freak accident, getting a terminal disease. And then i thought all that’s being asked of me right now is to get up at 5am every morning for 3 months to sweat my ass off and eat lots of vegies. That’s all i have to do. These are good things right? Of all the things a person will have to go through in their life, that they will have to suffer through, the tough decisions they will have to make, moving your butt and eating well has to be the easiest thing you can. Don’t you think? If this is as hard as my life will get then i’m lucky. Since i realised this i have had no problems waking up at 5am and doing my workouts or eating my salads. I’m going into my fourth week right now and i’m not struggling with this as i have in the past. It’s funny cause in the past i used to have such a hard time sticking to any routine for more than a few days. It all just felt too hard. I made it that way. But now it feels like the easiest thing in the world. And I don’t see myself running out of steam any time soon. I don’t even think ‘will i make 3 months’ I know i will because there is no reason for me not to. Now that my mind thinks this is easy, i can never complain again how hard it is to exercise and eat right because i will know it’s not true.
Sometimes when i do struggle with the workouts and get those self doubts like ‘what’s the point i can’t do this any more’ i think about how easy this is compared to whatever the hell is waiting for me in the future. As bad is this sounds i sometimes get this image of how hard it will be to bury my parents and compared to that 30mins on the stairmaster at 6.30am is nothing to compared to the other pain.
i know i’ve been rambling. Have i confused you? I’m trying to describe to you how my attitude has changed about this whole fitness thing but i feel my comments are all over the place.
Well have a nice day anyway and when you write your ‘a day in the life of craig’ don’t forget the dirty bits ok. I’ll be looking out for those. I know you have them craig it’s just a matter of letting them out.
Ange
Thanks Anon ( )
Hi Suu – great work by you.
Taking back the reins of your own existence…
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Hi Ange – even though we’ve never met, I can tell you’re changing – good for you. The wheels are turning – keep it up
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Great post Craig! And so true!
I recently separated from my husband because living with him was literally making me ill from constant stress. I decided I would do this with some integrity, and apart from a couple of close personal friends and a counsellor, I am not speaking about the details of our separation or the problems that led to it to anyone else who asks.
He on the other hand is now playing the “victim” game. He is putting me down to the point of telling lies just so he won’t look like the bad guy.
For a few days I really let this get to me and I was very, very angry. Then I had a wake-up call! I thought about all that cortisol being produced in my body because of the stress of anger and the damage it was doing. And I thought how foolish I would be to give the man who stressed me so much when we were together, the power to stress me out this much now that we are apart. So now I let it go, forgive, and direct my thoughts towards something better. I have so many other things to be grateful for. You are so right, hardship is relative.
Have you read a book called “Radical Gratitude (and other life lessons learned in Siberia)” by Andrew Bienkowski. Well worth a read.
A “lurker” ()
Hi Craig,
Must say great article, it's really helped me in my current situation.
I’m taking an emotional shift to have the power & potential I no I have within.
I'm letting go as of today, anger, fear, resentment & arrogance to find the one thing that I’ve been looking for is peace & freedom in my life.
Will be dumping the emotional prison that I’ve been in & have realised that the hurt is maintained by me, & yeah life can suck but as you said shit happens!!!!
I’m so moving on, that’s for sure to forgive & find solutions rather than focusing on my current problem.
No more being a people pleaser/door mat!!!
Hugs
Hello Lurker
Thanks for sharing – will check out the book..
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Hi Craig,
I am new to this website!! Through message boards of Weight Watchers your name came up and the praise that came with it prompted me to check your website out.
Thank you for your insight into Letting go… It’s a topic that I am very familiar with and have had to acknowledge.. And the hardest is finding the strength to let go instead of hanging on ‘cos hanging only makes me turn to food to make me feel better!
Far easier to let go than hang on and end up with extra baggage which I am still in the process of getting rid of..
I look forward to getting your copy of “Fattitude” to read!!
Thanks!!
Cheers Annie
Hi again Craig,
Here's a link you (or anyone else who's interested) can check out to find out a bit more about the book "Radical Gratitude".
http://www.allenandunwin.com/default.aspx?page=94&book=9781741754223
I couldn't work out how to make it an active link so maybe you can copy and paste it into your browser?
Unless one can get Marty McFly and Doc Brown to bring the Delorean around, one can never physically change one’s past. Craig is right on the money about one being able to change how one allows themeslf to react and feel about the past.
I used to tote the heavy luggage about my upbringing and that bought me nothing but a one way ticket to “Bummedoutville”.
Once I let that luggage go for good. it was a huge weight off my shoulders and life became much more enjoyable. Occasionally a light backup of the emotional baggage slips onto my shoulders, but that bad boy gets flung very far away.
It’s a cliche but being a father has made me a better person – because it’s given me many reasons to leave that baggage well and truly behind.
I’ve never experienced the grind of third world poverty first hand, but I know that we Australians have it pretty good and we need to express more gratitude about living where we live.
Cheers
Hey CH….
I work in a field where I get to see people’s emotional baggage manifested into aches and pains (or worse) in their bodies.
By letting go of the baggage, we can sometimes also let go of physical pain!!!
KK XXX
I’m reading this post(late) and really want to thank you Craig for bringing a breath of fresh air my way. It would be nice not to let things bother me.
However, every day I feel that the emotional baggage that I carry around is like a heavy iron coat.. maybe I just got used to it and this is the way I have forever chosen to live my life…Every time something negative happens, I just add it to the heap!! How do I change? Can I learn to let go and start to live a happy life? (my life purpose) Whatever that means?
You’re welcome Annie…
Cheers
Thanks for the URL Anon…
Thanks for dropping by KK… x
Hi Anon – over the last two weeks I have written articles on Life Purpose – take a peek. I also wrote an article called ‘Emotional Investment’ (May 19) check that out too – … cheers
thanks for my wake up call!!!
I have a co-worker, friend , we work at a daycare center in the same room. She was accused of spanking a child and a cps complaint was filed. after investigation by the center’s commitee and cps, she was cleared. the center gave her the person’s name who did this to her. she was off for 2 months during this investigation. now she refuses to be any where around the person so they moved this person to a different part of the building. She is fine at work as long as me or someone else is around her and is refusing to be left alone for even 2 minutes, says she is uncomfortable. Since she works later till closing , this is hard to arrange without moving the children aound or another staff person when i leave. help us out. i think she is letting this other person win the situation, and she needs to find a way to move on. what can i say to help her.