I’m Who?
So, it appears that yesterday’s post got the cogs turning. For some, melting.
The “who am I” question is one that’s been asked (and will be asked) forever. It can be a tricky one because our life experience invariably provides us with mixed messages. We’re often ‘taught’ that what we do, own, know and achieve is who we are but when we take those things away, we still exist (don’t we?). So, in reality, we can’t ‘be’ any of that.
Maybe we discover who we are when we let go of who we aren’t and what we’re not? Or, perhaps we just get a little closer. Confused?
Deep breaths.
Road Blocks
Maybe one of our road blocks is that we try to discover who we are in stuff? Perhaps the epidemic of insecurity and emotional dysfunction (the one many of us inhabit) has arisen out of our need to identify with, gain confidence from and find self-esteem in ‘things’? Think about it: if I can only find my sense-of-self or my identity in what I own, what I achieve, what people think of me (my reputation) or, even, my looks, then I’ll always be insecure because all that stuff is temporary. It can all be ripped away in a heartbeat or, as is often the case, eroded away over time.
People who believe that who they are can be found in what they do, own, earn or look like give away their personal power and delude themselves that their identity is nothing more than a commodity; something to be purchased, acquired or earned. And that my friends, is a very slippery slope to be on. An unwinnable race. Will we ever be rich enough, successful enough or pretty enough?
Typically, no.
Winning Through Losing
Ironically, some people only seem to really discover who they are when they lose everything they thought they were. Which reminds me (yet again) of the Buddhist philosophy of finding happiness by letting go, rather than chasing, acquiring, building and accumulating.
Perhaps trying to find ourselves in the external is our biggest mistake? Perhaps I’ll never find ‘me’ there? Could it be that ‘who I am’ has nothing to do with the three-dimensional world in which I reside?
What We’re Not Seeing
Off the back of yesterday’s article, someone told me “Craig, I am the person I see in the mirror every morning”.
But tell me, Grasshoppers, is that true? Is she really looking at herself or merely a reflection of the body she inhabits? Maybe we don’t actually see ourselves in the mirror? After all, we’re not a reflection and we’re not a body so what we see in that piece of glass can’t be us, can it? Maybe all we see is a reflection of the vehicle that transports us around Planet Earth for eighty years. Or so. Even then, two people looking at the same image in the same mirror at the same time will see different things because we all view the world through our own unique filter.
There is no universal reality.
This morning someone asked me to explain the last line from yesterday’s post. Here’s the last seven lines (to set it up):
“So, maybe your career isn’t who you are at all? Maybe it’s just what you do?”
“Why do I need to know who I am anyway?”
“So you can be you of course.”
“But I am me!”
“And who is that exactly?”
“….. I’m not sure.”
“Now we’re getting somewhere.”
So, the question was, “why were you ‘getting somewhere’ when he/she finally got to the point where they realised that they didn’t actually know who they were any more?”
The ‘Me Myth’
The truth is, they never knew who they were. They had bought into the myth that their identity (their true self) could be found in their achievements, appearance, reputation and their ‘things’. It was only when they realised who and what they weren’t that they began to experience a shift in consciousness, awareness and understanding.
Just being able to be is, for most of us, a relief. It’s liberating. And it’s empowering.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you and I should be without goals, purpose, drive or motivation on a practical level in our very practical world. Neither does it mean that we should spend our days meditating in a Kaftan and reading people’s auras. Although that might be fun. For a day.
No, it means that perhaps it would serve us to have an ever-present awareness and understanding of who we are beyond the events, situations, experiences, circumstances and physicality of our world.
When we let go of the pressure, the anxiety, the fear, the discomfort and the self-imposed misery that comes with trying to be ‘that person’, a door to a new reality opens and on the other side we find…
us! 
It’s a beautiful place to visit and an even better place to live.
Confusion to Enlightenment
I am acutely aware that this discussion is one that generates responses ranging from confusion, curiosity and intrigue to enlightenment, amusement and relief. It’s not my goal to confuse, it’s my goal to arouse (emotion) and stimulate (thought and exploration). The point of yesterday’s post was not so much to categorically answer the ‘who am I’ question but, rather, to help you discover and understand who, and what, you are not.
From the moment you and I could walk and talk (okay, earlier) we were being programmed. Groomed. Conditioned. Influenced. And, at times, manipulated and controlled. Some of us have been told who we are for decades but somewhere beyond the noise of our world, the busy-ness of our lives, the expectations and opinions of others, the labels we’ve been given and the exterior shell, we know there’s more. We know we are more.
Much more.
And that my friends, is what excites me.
Whoever I am. 
Let me know your thoughts…
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It’s all too hard where are the donuts
@Michael LOL!!
This is very Zen Craig!
I think that in the world we live in, most of us learn to define ourselves by what we own, the job we have, the results we get. But there is also a deeper layer of our identity, which is not dependent on any of these. Our sort of deep, inner core. Once we realize this, we get in touch with it and realize the power it has, we can do and experience all sort of positive things.
Awesome post Craig, as usual…:) I love that there is no universal reality! You are so completely right. What is right for one person isn’t right for another. But yet, we somehow jump on some bandwagon of what a collective few deem as right and wrong…and when we aren’t that picture perfect person, we are not as good or are somehow behind the crowd.
We get so caught up in clinging to some ideal image that even if we somehow manage to lose that 20 pounds, there will always be something else to desire. I’ve learned that it’s the clinging to some perceived end result that causes our suffering. It is more resourceful to prefer an outcome and take action steps towards it. This leads us to being non-attached in the process. This frees us to be who we are and accept whatever is happening. If we like the end result, cool. If not, we change course, learn from the situation, and move on.
Enjoyed this post thoroughly!
You summed it all up. I love and am excited about this. In my blogs I do tell of your posts. It is a wonderful feeling of knowing.
Thats power. It gives great peace.
Thankyou. Hugs to you my friend.
He he he. Don’t you like to shake people’s perceptions frist thing in the morning! As a long time fan of your posts, I must say there is an almost cosmic connection between what you are writing about and what I am experiencing (if you believe in that sort of thing). Following six months of counselling and a long term follower of your thoughts, my perceptions about myself have been explored, challenged and are gradually losing their hold. The person I was groomed, programmed and told to be is no longer. So who am I? This is the point I am at now and although uncomfortable, not having an answer, confused, because noone can tell me, I was surprised to discover that my initial reaction to not knowing who I am was to reach out and help others. I donated time and money and sought to help others for the “greater good” because I no longer had a sense of my own importance being more important than helping someone else. Maybe that is what you mean by looking through the door to discover “us” on the other side, the better version of ourselves. The version that is not wrapped up in protecting our sense of identity at the expense of our fellow man or woman. The version of ourselves we all want to be but are too afraid to go for it because we don’t know how to be that person. That has been my stumbling block for the last few days, I don’t know how to be my “true self” so what do I do? Be.
Make that 2 dozen donuts Michael.
Craig you’d better clear this up for me (please) in the next post because I’m getting frustrated after reading these 2 articles and I rarely (if ever) get frustrated at reading your stuff.
I think I understand that you’re trying to tell us to let go of, or, stop chasing all the things we ‘want’; the pretty face, the perfect body, the designer’s handbag, the farrari, etc, because these things are just temporary, they don’t make you who you are. But I still don’t understand who I am when I’m striped of everything that I once thought would make up who I am (my face, my temperament, my job, my dreams, etc).
I always try to avoid this discussion because it always make me confused and frustrated. I kept telling myself, I’m just me, I want to be happy in life, I want to have a job I enjoy working, a dog I love, a partner I love (and love me of course), a lifestyle I love, end of story. Craig I used to adopt a simple approach to life but now that you’ve got me all confused you’d better fix it for me!! Are you able to give me some examples, or maybe a story of someone who’s been through this? Thank you, this may really change my life, as I’m going through a stage where I feel crap in all aspect of life and that my future is just miserable.
Just in case if anyone senses aggressiveness, I am a loyal reader of Craig’s stuff and I enjoy most of his posts.
Kristine – I wanted to back up what you say.
One of the reasons I am alone at the moment, and this is in a few self-help and addiction books, is my staying away from my peers who smoke, drink but above all when they tell you what to do. On a few of Craig’s posts the same issue comes up; we all have a view on something but when people start tellings others their view is right that annoys me. To be a self in this world can equal being alone but then again to follow others when you know it’s harming yourself on some level, even say sitting with your smoker friends, then it is time to go it alone. Good post Kristine.
Let me share something. 18mnths ago I lost all my possessions, my beloved animals and some friends all in one afternoon. But when the sun came up the next morning, as it always does, I was still the same me. For awhile afterwards my career went into hiatus. I was still me. People started to tell me I looked great because I lost lots of weight. I was still the same me from before I just looked differrent. The people around me felt sorry for me and tipytoed around me because my whole life from before had changed. BUT I WAS STILL THE SAME ME. A little more worldwise and shell shocked from the experience but essentially still the same person. In fact a stronger, more resilent person in many ways. I still dont think the situation warranted sympathy because in a short afternoon everything that was really important was bought home to me in a big way. Im kind of grateful that my children went through the experience because they have learnt at an early age that who they are inside and their loved ones around them are the most important thing to focus on. If only there was a way I could make others see this truth without the trauma.
Aye carrumba!!
Michael, I’ll bring coffee when you get the donuts in. Dont get cheesecake cos then that nutter will turn up ;-p
PS Yeh! I dont know who I am anymore, thanks Craig!!
Ahh Craig..you know how to make our collective heads hurt! But I get it.
At least I think I do. Are we not all ‘spiritual beings having a human experience’ ? I think the trouble is though that the ‘human experience bit’ can be pretty distracting most of the time, unless we take time out to explore beyond it….no kaftans or aura reading (although I agree, it could be interesting !) but some time to just allow ourselves to broaden our ideas about who we are and where we came from.
Thanks for doing just that. I love what you said about the epidemic of emotional insecurity and dysfunction – I tried to address that problem on my blog today, in a small way, by writing about self belief and self doubt… but I anyhow, I digress. Loved today’s post !
Much food for thought. Thanks…
Mon ( )
I am as you call a “Lurker”. I love reading your posts but I have to agree with Chloe, I am confused as well. Maybe i am trying to hard to work out who I am!!!
Hi Chloe. Sometimes things are not so clear or simple. Sometimes they are. Sometimes certain information, ideas and concepts don’t really ‘fit’ into our way of thinking, understanding and seeing.
While there are many truths to be taken from these last two posts, one of the key messages is that there is much more to you and I (who we are) than the purely physical (what we can see, touch, own and earn).
This more philosophical way of looking at the world (and us in it) is not always something that will ‘make sense’ straight away. I believe that, on a level, we’re all trying to discover who we are (beyond our ‘things’) and these posts were written to stimulate people to consider a different ‘model’ or ‘concept’of self.
If you feel inclined to explore this notion further, I’d suggest you read ‘A New Earth’ by Eckhart Tolle. I know it can be confusing and frustrating – I’ve been there. The first time I read one of Eckhart’s books, I thought it was rubbish. The second time, I thought it was incredible. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the book that changed.
Anyone else got any advice for Chloe?
Excellent post Craig…. It is a well crafted introduction to these issues for those who may not have been down the “who am I ?” path. I commend you for floating these concepts to a wide audience.
You are a person who has put a lot of time into self development and I believe that the territory you are now traversing is the ultimate evolution of such a process. Without looking at this issue there is a real danger that all of the other self help work, whilst very necessary, can lead to a perpetual cycle of insecurities temporarily alleviated by achievement, more insecurities temorarily alleviated by more achievement, and so on….A slippery slope as you say.
I look forward to seeing where you take the next post on this topic.
Thank you for bringing a regular soothing balm of “reality” (at least what I identify as reality) to my awareness. It is uncanny that it seems to arrive when it is needed most.
For Chloe – I’ve learned that as we have grown up, our family has shaped our values and belief systems, or what Bill Harris calls our map of reality. We, as kids, don’t question it, and take it as truth. We identify with this map of reality, and when something new or unfamiliar challenges it, we resist to change.
The thing that has helped me is that we are not this map of reality. It’s just our map that we developed that has helped us thus far navigate life. The cool thing is that we have the opportunity to change how we view ourselves and the world.
When you encounter danger, chaos, or stress, you’ve reached your threshold for what you can handle from your environment. What may help is to raise that threshold higher to better handle these situations. Meditating is a good way to do it, and the confusion and frustration will melt away. What I have been trying to do is raise my threshold so high, that it takes a lot to push me over the edge.
I would look up Bill Harris’ work. He is a really great teacher. Hope this helps.
My head hurts!
Hi Chloe,
Firstly I don’t see anything wrong with being aggressive it is a good a trait as being loyal…if not better if your loyal to meJ
Personally, I understand frustration Chloe as for me when I try so ‘hard’ to get something and I cant I usedto get angry with myself when now I realize that NO ONE ELSE, AND NOTHING ELSE can fix this for me… it is just how it is…and all I can do is ask for it.. and when it comes it come!
I was once fairly unhappy with my life and a the time I honestly did think that if I was perfect (definition for me back then size 6-8, designer clothes, acted in the prefect marketing role, hot boyfriend) you get it I would be happy…
I actually remember I was 24 and interviewing for this awesome marketing role – everyone wanted and the guy interviewing me said “What do you want” and I responded to be happy … I got the job…
For me what I didn’t understand at the time was that in order for me to be happy I had to START doing what made me happy(which is different for everyone) ie. My partner loved partying – I HATED it – My head wanted to be a size 6-8 – and in order to do this I HAD TO eat organic and run 10kms a day I HATED THIS, To be successful in my role I HAD TO BE FAKE, I HATED THIS as I am a straight forward person…
After DENYING me for so long I ended up in hospital with anorexia and had to take time off.. TODAY
I am SOOOOOOO happy people generally ask if IM on drugs…and well No I wont even take a panadol.. I have always known that I value loyalty, honesty and I also love helping people, exercise, and business and guess what – today I do all that MY STYLE – which is IN YOUR FACE and possibly a little ‘aggressive’ but its me… and I love it .
Kate
Who am I?
Being at one with spirit (god / all / nature) is my purpose; my purpose gives my life meaning; meaning informs my values; my values guide my goals; my goals determine my actions; my actions nourish my spirit; spirit is who I am.
Simply – yet complex. Yes, that feels right for me.
“If you feel inclined to explore this notion further, I’d suggest you read ‘A New Earth’ by Eckhart Tolle. I know it can be confusing and frustrating – I’ve been there.”
So have I Craig, I read the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle for the first time this year. Half the time I thought what the …. is he talking about. But for me half way through it just clicked.
“Just being able to be is, for most of us, a relief. It’s liberating. And it’s empowering.”
This is the most amazing feeling if we allow it to happen. I’m still working on it, but after years of depression and self loathing and trying to define who I am but what I did or looked like, I am letting go and trying to just BE and live in the NOW. It’s great. Happiest I’ve been in my life.
Perhaps this book may be a good suggestion for Chloe, it’s a bit hard going but worth it by the end…..
A really genuine, big thank you to everyone who tries to help a total stranger! I love this place!
I just quickly ‘flicked’ through ‘A New Earth’ by Eckhart Tolle on Amazon and, wow, it feels like rock in the stomach. I think it’ll take me a while to digest, but I’ll try my best. I’ll explore ‘The Power of Now’ as well, thanks Ekka for the rec!
Kate thanks so much for sharing your story with me (us). If you could also share the process of your transformation that would be fantastic! Craig that’s what I’m after. Remember you mentioned that storytelling is a very powerful tool?
Craig, just want to thank you for creating such an awesome cyber-place!
hi chloe , your right it is g8t that craig gives and allows this free service..i would gladly share my process with u but with the disclaimer i am no awesome story teller like craig. I mite make u or me cry.Do u have an email? R u in sydney? (craig is this legal?)
Chloe:
I have been reading a book by Rocky Warren who compares the game of life to a boxing match. His rantings are tiresome as he brags about his Sydney Apartment and expensive cars without one sense in the book of feeling they are wrong.
I agree that the self is the most important thing we have, it is always there. I also agree that it is all temporary, but is it? There is nothing wrong with you wanting all that stuff. I think it’s pointless to go through life with the attitude that its all temporary. It is realistic, but then the new age gurus rant how you deserve it all. I wish they would make up their own minds.
I too was, and still am, pretty confused about a lot of who I am etc but I will say one thing. When I chase something with so much energy and forget other things it helps put things in perspective to know some things are temporary so why bother chasing them.
Just go for these things, even if someone says a flood can take it all away tomorrow, they are the words of people who are jealous. It may be realistic to know the road does end somehow but why were relationships and material possessions created. For us. We can’t all be living like Mother Theresa with nothing but ourselves as noble as that is. If you are stripped of everything, as I found out, I am still who I am as I view myself.
I know a lot of this is abstract but it is your choice, but in terms of wanting things, maybe not identify your car with who you are, but we still have a right to that stuff.
Craig, who are YOU???
chloe , i totally agree
Excellent post Craig,
I knew who I was before I became a wife and mother. I was brought up to believe my purpose in life was to be the best mother and wife (and daughter in law) I could be, and thats what I worked on. But unfortunately amongst these roles I lost me, I lost my identity.
I couldn’t see or did see it until I collapsed(because of health issues) and my counsellor asked me why I waited 23years in my marriage to go and do what made me happy. This pain and hurt I felt broke me. I couldn’t see or feel me.
It was then I realized I had been giving all my energy to my roles and nothing to myself. I didn’t even know what my hobbies were because I had never made me time.
It’s been nearly four years since then and I’v really tried hard to get back on my path and start learning about me. I am a completely different person today I have dedicated my life in finding out who I am and what makes ME happy.
I have always been a bit baffled by the Buddhist goal of having no ego (related to job, status etc) and so I have been thinking about this post for a couple of weeks because it kind of relates to that. After reading Helen from Kinglake’s comments, I think it’s starting to become a bit clearer.
For example, sometimes, if someone is having a hard time of things, that person might think “if I get a new job”, “if I find a new partner”, “if I move to a new city”….etc…then life will be better. But the problem with that is, wherever you go or whoever you are partnered with, you are the constant. You will go with you (does that make sense?!). So maybe some things will be better, especially if you had a nasty partner or your boss was horrible or you lived next to awful neighbours, but the essence of who your really are deep down, your habits, your patterns of behaviour, your temperament etc will still be there.
So, if you really want to make changes, you need to work out who you are and work on making changes to those aspects you’re not so keen on.
I guess I got off the track a bit but maybe there is something in that?!
Wow Craig.
You are a very interesting man. I have recently read some of Eckhart Tolle’s stuff and also some friends have introduced me to some of the Buddhist philosophy. I am and have been always quite slim and reasonably fit, however never really pushed myself. I do have my vices and am facing them whilst endeavouring to take in middle age and get really healthy and fit. Trying to live in the now – or just being- is hard. The inner chatter is amazing once you bother to recognise how much you listen to some of the rubbish in your head. I wonder if you can perhaps, in your role, simplify some this info for your clients and readers. I feel a little bit, like we are really starting to wake up and be more aware- the human condition. I have to read the next Tolle book on how to practice “Just Being”