Hi guys, CJ here (she at him-dot-com). Well, it’s been a very interesting time in my little world lately: some big lessons, some small lessons and some ‘I-can’t-believe-I-didn’t-know-that-I’m-so-embarrassed’ lessons. Wouldn’t life be boring if we already knew everything we needed to know? Not much danger of that happening around here, I can assure you. 
Because the Big Guy is having the day off, I get to announce the winners of the free stuff for your awesome responses to he at him-dot-com’s ‘Why I’m Not Married’ post. Yay! Could Mike, Adam and Laura please contact Johnnie via email with your postal addresses. Well done, guys.
Enjoy your week, everyone. On with the show …
A Slow Learner
I might be giving too much away but have you ever watched one of those awful aerobics videos from the eighties? They invariably have a fitness-guru-type out the front with a hot body, a fluorescent pink lycra leotard and some baby-blue leg warmers. Which always confused me – after all, who gets cold legs in the middle of an aerobics session? Miss Fitness Bunny teacher has been doing the exercise thing for years and is confident, engaging and in control. She oozes fun and enthusiasm all the way from her fluffy headband down to her glittery purple Reeboks. You can’t help it; part of you wants to be just like her. Well, maybe not the perm.
And then, awkwardly sandwiched between some other aerobics instructors, is the obligatory ‘normal’ person in the back row – slightly blurry and indistinct because the camera’s focus is on the pretty, coordinated folk in the foreground. Which is probably just as well. You can see that Miss Normal is still a little bit flabby in places, which is why she’s strategically located up the back. She doesn’t quite make the full range of the stretches and she’s always half a beat behind. She’s trying but it doesn’t come naturally. Having the gross motor skills of a new-born foal doesn’t help either. I know this for a fact. She takes a while to ‘get it’. It’s a little painful to watch but it’s somehow comforting too. She is there to show the viewers at home that one doesn’t have to be perfect in order to improve. Or perhaps she’s just the comic relief.
You know where I’m going with this, don’t you? Welcome to the back row. It’s where I live. It’s where many of us live. Personally, I don’t mind it. Mostly. We may not be in the spotlight but we get to have a silent giggle when Miss Xanadu gets a wedgie. Which ain’t hard when you’re wearing dental floss.
I share my flaws and short-comings with you not because I want sympathy or attention (because apparently that’s unhealthy and counter-productive) but because, like the ‘normal’ aerobics chick in the back row, you might be able to learn from my mistakes. At the very least, my patheticness (a word) might just show you how far you’ve come in your own personal development journey.
Two Steps Forward, One Step Back
Just when I thought I was starting to ‘get’ this whole personal development thing (as prescribed and taught by you-know-who), to walk the walk rather than just talk the talk, a little reality check comes along to show me that I still belong in the back row of the beginners’ class. Some of the time anyway.
It didn’t take much. I turned forty last week. And I let myself fall on my arse. Big time.
Yep, my pity party was bigger than a Hollywood wedding. Out of nowhere (seemingly), I became a self-indulgent, blubbering mess. It wasn’t pretty. Why was I feeling so sorry for myself? Do I have cancer? No. Am I struggling to feed my children? No. Do I weigh more than my couch? No. Do I have massive feet?
Shut up.
So, what was my frickin problem?
Well, I had hoped to feel better about myself by now. ‘Now’ being my forty-first year on the planet. That’s it. In a nutshell. I had hoped that by the time I reached this stage of my journey, I would somehow have magically ‘fixed’ my low self-esteem issues. That I would believe that I am good enough. That I would know that I’m just as valuable as everyone else in the world.
Faulty Thinking
We all have issues, insecurities and moments (maybe years) of self-doubt. It would be quite abnormal to not have them – that’s called being a scary psychopath. Or, a delusional egomaniac. However, I have always grown up with the belief that there was something inherently wrong with me. That I was somehow sub-standard. A manufacturer’s defect. I didn’t want to feel like that (obviously), I just did.
It felt like a fact: I am right-handed, I have blue eyes, I am faulty. Before you ask, there was no rational reason for the belief. As far as I know, I am not actually the spawn of the devil, a serial killer or an international criminal mastermind. I think I would have noticed that.
I grew up partly believing I was crap because that was the message I often received from my parents. It may not have been the message that they intended to give me but it was how I interpreted it – being the shy, sensitive, insecure, over-thinking middle-child I was. Sometimes parents can say negative, hurtful things because they are tired, unhappy, frustrated or bitter. Sometimes it can be because they don’t want you to become ‘too full of yourself’ or ‘too big for your britches’. Or sometimes it can simply be because that’s how they were parented and they don’t know any better.
Many of us (perhaps all of us) can replay in our minds phrases from our parents. The ones I hear are:
“When you were born, you screamed so much that you had to be put in the linen cupboard at the hospital so you wouldn’t wake up the other babies.”
“You think you’re so smart but you’re not.”
“You’re not the sporty one. You’re too clumsy. You could fall over in an empty room.”
“You’re not a pretty girl, CJ. You can look all right with some makeup but don’t ever think you’re pretty.”
Of course, different people deal with their low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness in different ways. I (perhaps unconsciously) believed that if I gathered enough evidence to the contrary, then I would feel better about myself (okay, I didn’t say it was a good plan!). I hoped that if I worked very hard and notched up enough achievements, then one day I would wake up and know that I was actually okay. Sadly, all the logic and evidence didn’t really have much of a positive impact on my emotional state or my feelings.
On my fortieth birthday I realised that my cunning plan hadn’t worked. And it would never work. Hence the pity-party. And the tears. And the embarrassingly self-indulgent pathetically sobbing response to he at him-dot-com’s ‘Happy Birthday’ phone call. He probably wishes he’d just sent a text.
What I know in my head (that I’m not a total loser) wasn’t reflected (at all) by how I felt about myself. In other words, I couldn’t talk myself into, or rationalise my way to, a better self-esteem, confidence or happiness.
Have You Learned Nothing?
Craig was surprisingly nice (yes nice) to me on my birthday. Strange, I know. Although every muscle in his body (phwoar) was probably screaming ‘Suck It Up Princess’, not even he at him-dot-com was going to break the be-nice-to-someone-on-their-birthday-even-if-they’re-being-a-complete-idiot rule.
The next day, however, the gloves were off. The Big Guy was back. Put it this way, there were a lot of sentences beginning with ‘The problem with you is …”.
He made me see that I had two choices: I could continue to believe in my faultiness (and give away my power), play the victim and spend the rest of my life with happiness just out of my reach. Or I could choose to recognise that my perception is my reality, that a feeling (my faultiness) is just a feeling – it’s not a fact and it never was.
It took a while to sink in (I’m as sharp as a bowling ball sometimes).
Me: “So, are you saying that you think that if I want to change that belief, I can?”
CH: “No, I’m saying that I know you can change that belief.”
All In My Head
I have always felt that my childhood emotional scars were like war wounds that were irreparable. To me, they felt almost physical and tangible – like a piece of shrapnel stuck deep within. No-one could see it but I could feel its impact and I would let it affect my behaviour. It manifested in my need for approval and validation, my self-doubt, my desperate people-pleasing and my vulnerability to criticism.
I now understand that the shrapnel does not exist. It has never existed. Because I believed in it, it seemed very real to me but it never actually existed.
Whatever has happened in the past, we choose its impact. Because, in most cases, it exists (lives on) only in our minds. We can choose to believe that we are damaged, faulty and unworthy. We can choose to sigh, whine and talk like a victim (guilty). We can choose to use our less-than-perfect background and experiences as an excuse to never reach our potential. We can choose to waste our emotional energy replaying the past in our minds and regretting mistakes or missed opportunities. We can choose to let things which ‘happened to us’ rob us of our power not only for our growing-up years but for the rest of our lives.
Or not.
As I head into my forty-first year, I now choose not.
About time.
A New Perception Becomes a New Reality
One thing I have learned over the last year or so is that change doesn’t happen overnight. I am not naïve enough to believe that one phonecall can ‘fix’ my self-esteem issues forever. However, I am committed to consciously, courageously and strategically changing my perception of myself. I’m prepared to be honest, to get uncomfortable and to unlearn.
In order to be happy, I need to believe that I am okay. I’m not awesome or amazing. Well, maybe a little bit. :) I’m not even particularly above-average at many things. But I now know that I am not faulty. I am all right. I may be a complete pain in the arse sometimes but I am all right.
Phew. There’s the (very heavy) story from the back row today. So, are you carrying around any emotional shrapnel? Could it be that what seems very real to you may only exist in your mind? Have you successfully let go of emotional shrapnel? How did you do it? I’d love to hear your stories and your thoughts.
CJ xox
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I suffer from the “I’m not good enough and I’m just waiting to be found out” version myself.
While I don’t claim to be “cured” my technique has been to let the thoughts happen, but not give them any weight. The thoughts still come (especially when I REALLY want to appear confident and self-assured) but I tell myself that it’s just a thought, with no more significance than any other random thought that pops into my head a million times a day or more.
We’re ALL amazing at times … and stupid, and clumsy, and graceful, and witty, and clever and demented, and sometimes all in the space of 10 minutes.
I think it helps when we realise that everyone else feels faulty too! It’s actually not a bad thing to be faulty, it’s just if you let that stop you.
When you think about it, it’s the flaws in the ones we love that makes us love them, not the perfections
How about the people like mewho are told as a child that I am unique and outstanding and enlightened and brilliant… all the other crap that is nice but isn’t *really* true? Or earned. What’s my problem if I believe all these positive things?
How about grappling with the astounding fact that I’m NOT the best at everything and I’m not entitled to success by just showing up. Oh, and I have a severe problem with being considered average.
Having a little too much self esteem from the get-go can be damaging,blinding and allows a person to be completely selfish and arrogant enough to like that fact…but the idea is to find the balance. Here’s to hoping that both of us have.
Hi CJ
This is something I think about a bit. Do I let myself be a victim/survivor or get on with life. After the marriage breakdown, property and children custody issues sorted, I took myself and two children on an overseas trip. I chose New Zealand. Not far from Australia, same language (mostly) recognizable customs and a place I wanted to visit for years. Planning and going placed me out of my comfort zone in a big way. I look back on that first.trip and know that if I can do that I can do much more. Since then my boys and I have been back to NZ with me booking the whole trip myself. I know for some people those trips would be easy, for me they were a challenge.
For me, it’s only my thoughts that stop me and I can choose the direction I go and as we read so many times here with Craig and CJ we need to get out of our comfort zone. Something I try to do.
hi cj
i did a personal development course called “landmark education” it was fabulous. i think of my life as before landmark and after. it gave me the abilitity to let go of my emotional shrapnel. not to say it doesnt try and re emerge every now and then, (often) but i have tools to manage it.
tracy
Understand the turning 40 thing, I discovered I have bone degeneration in my neck and suddenly I was 85 and ready for a zimmer frame. I lost my ability to play golf and walked realllll slow. Then my dear hubby said, harden up (which is his version of suck it up princess) you’re a fit strong woman, do you what you always do. That helped, took time though! Six months to get back to the 52 I actually am – I’ll put the 85′s off for a while longer yet. I also find fault with myself always and have to work hard to overcome that, everyone thinks I’m confident and have high self esteem, hmph I’m clearly a very good actor. Thanks for the post.
Hi CJ,
Self Esteem is such an amazing powerful tool…..either low or high. I have been through, over the last 5 years, an extremely bad marriage breakdown. At the beginning I thought & was made to believe it was all my fault. I was too fat to have sex with ( I was 65kgs ) & everyone’s says I’m very good looking, I don’t see that though. I was told I was a victim, pathetic. I was told everyone who works for the government is a loser…..on & on & on it went. I have continually seen counsellors & even attended an “improve your self esteem course”. I’m seeing a fantastic counsellor now who is taking me back to my childhood, family background my entire relationship with my ex all 27years worth. I am now nearing the end of this journey & am a happier & better person, although I’ve always been a good person! Nothing was my fault. I am worthy of everything i have achieved. I am a fantastic Mum & I’m even starting to believe people when they say I’m good looking ( I just don’t find it all that important)….. The important thing is I am HAPPY!!!!! People ask why I’m not dating…..I don’t want to yet. I’m getting to know & love myself. I’m happy to be on my own. It will be good to meet someone but I don’t NEED to meet any one…… I often wonder why people who have come out of a bad relationships have to rush back into another?????
Cheers Kim
Hi Geekgirl,
Loved this:
“We’re ALL amazing at times … and stupid, and clumsy, and graceful, and witty, and clever and demented, and sometimes all in the space of 10 minutes.”
Great work. xox
Thanks, Kathryn. That warms my heart because I have no shortage of flaws
xox
Wow and thankyou! Wow because I thought I was the only one who grew up with the undeniable feeling that I was faulty. And Thankyou because I am also so afraid of being found out and you bravely laid it out for everyone to read which is a very generous thing to do, to reach out to your peers and let them know the facade that everyone else is perfect except for you is totally false. See that is another belief that I carry around with me, not only am I faulty, but everyone else is perfect!
On my personal development journey I tried denying these feelings that I was faulty, denying I felt them because to have them made me feel more broken. I tried positive affirmations and then self destructive habits of avoidance of eating and drinking alcohol, lots of it. When I accepted I felt that I was faulty I then delved into my past experiences of growing up, relationships with friends and family trying to find what “broke” me with the idea that if I could find out what broke me, I could fix it. Needless to say I know have a mental catalogue of horrible experiences that could have caused my broken feeling, in fact I have blown up some past experiences that ok were bad but I wasn’t carrying them with me, because now they could be hurting me on a sub conscious level and I had to keep an eye on them. More depression ensued and I started to despair. My personal development journey was reinforcing my broken belief!
I went to see a counsellor and have been steadily working through identifying beliefs, thoughts and feelings and choosing which ones to give attention to. I still have the feeling that I am faulty, I just don’t buy into it anymore. I accept that it will pop up occasionally, and it may not and I get on with my life without studying it. I give it no more time than any other unhelpful thought and I can honestly say I can feel myself hitting my strides again. I’m engaging in activities that I enjoy again, which I had given up because I wasn’t good enough, and I’m seeking out friendships again because I was so afraid that they would find out I was broken I had isolated myself from people that love me. I’m even dating again which is very exciting! I had been waiting to be fixed before I entered into a relationship and now I know that I do not need to be fixed, I can enjoy a partner’s company again. So thankyou, thankyou thankyou and I wish you a very happy 41st year!
Hi Athena. Wow. I’d never considered the impact of the opposite problem. Thanks for enlightening me (I love learning new stuff).
xox
Happy Birthday CJ…I think most people would relate to low self esteem and being no different from you I too was told varying messages from my parents…. if you weren’t as big you would be pretty, if you weren’t s loud you would be ok, what is wrong with you?… Look at you something is wrong….
Well I wondered for a really longtime what was wrong with me and I tell you now it was never the size of my pants. Possibly I was human?
I searched for years and years relying upon a scale to dictate to me if I was happy, sad, could get a job.. etc I had now way of expressing who I was nor how I felt bar through a number ..and guess what it never worked!
Funny how a number on a scale is there to measure a size NOT my brain, NOT my attributes, NOT my self esteem and definitely NOT me as a person.. but I didn’t get it. ….And boy I tried everything from a size 6 a size 16 and somewhere in between ….I realised there had to be more!
I suppose in the tears, emptiness and sadness … someone said to me what is wrong with you..? and all that childhood rebellion came back NOTHING.. and I powered on… and found that I am not here to stay in the physical this is a spiritual program.
Thankfully today I know that the moment I go into ‘im not good enough’ etc I am totally in the wrong place .. Sign post…
Today the view of myself is more like .. well attributes …so today looks like… 5.30 man its cold.. get up MOTIVATION – tick to me, exercise and take the time to look the best I can – E No nothing like Elle McPherson but my best with what I was given…see staying on my path: Ahh another attribute – FOCUS– gee thanks.. So what about that lack of control.. mm when it is only 8.30 and you have already eaten morning tea… LACK OF CONTROL – ok sign post a lot coming up I need to slow down just a tad – BUT BOY IM FAST… (slight smirk).. Look its not eagertisical but just a much gentler way to live than in self hatred….
You know CJ in the short time you have written for this site you have achieved much more than many do in a lifetime .. the easy part is dismissing this….and missing the journey .. Lets get started… How about.. great communicator – Tick – who cares if you know the knowledge is you cant communicate it is useless, Good form _ TICK – I have meet you so it probably all is in your head – FINANCIAL SECURITY – Tick – I could go on but really this is an inside out job…Oh and what about stand up comedy one of the HARDEST things to do in life. (well almost.. you do put up with Craig). X
Enjoy your forties apparently they are the new 30’s.
Hi CJ,
I recently was able to let go of some emotional shrapnel being childhood sexual abuse and bullying. The consequences of these events were forever defining me and I allowed them to dominate my perception of myself. Any achievements that I have reached were never enough to rid myself of my perception of weakness.
In recently addressing the behaviours that flowed from these doubts and perceptions (with help from a brilliant psychologist), I realised that I had beaten greater challenges in the past while I was focusing on my problems. I completed high school, graduated from law, maintained constant employment, married, fathered a wonderful child, and kept myself very fit.
Now I just accept that the past events do not define me now and are no excuse. I have ultimate control over my actions now, not the person who abused me as a young boy or those that bullied me at school.
I rarely think about the sexual abuse, the nightmares are less frequent and I am preparing for a marathon in 4 weeks. This year I have already done the half ironman, two other small triathlons and the run for the kids. I guess you could say that I have parked the past where it belongs and am driving myself into the future.
You have achieved great things in your life despite of or because of your insecurities. For me, I have accepted this truth too. It is liberating to know that there are still endless possibilities that await me in the future.
Good luck. I turn 40 in 566 days.
Michael
CJ,
You are a beautiful, witty, intelligent mother who has a career in teaching and helping others. You are the kind of humble woman that I look up to. Thanks for your thoughful and funny posts.
I feel less self concious these days thanks to this website and thanks to working on myself everyday. I had glasses as a kid and a face full of freckles, so you can imagine the names I was called.
Good on you, Barbara. Travelling with children (even just to the supermarket) is quite the achievement. You should be very proud of yourself.
xox
Thanks for the tip, Tracy. I’ll keep it in mind.
xox
Hi Colleen. Hubby sounds very wise. Well done for ‘hardening up’ and getting back to your not-so-old self.
xox
Hi Kim. It sounds like you’ve been through the wringer – I’m so glad that you have now found happiness. Enjoy this precious time getting to know yourself again. Well done.
xox
Hi CJ,
Ciao!
Tops post, thank you!
2 years ago I found it necessary for me to own a kombi, I thought it would bring me so much happiness to drive around in a happy car, waving at strangers and smiling at everyone…… it turned out to be all that and a lot more, it showed me my emotions, and the responses I try to control. Every time the kombi brokedown (present count 34 times) I verbally remained positive, spoke positively even though inside I felt like taking to it with a sledge hammer!! I haven’t been so aware of my emotions before this, as I have done this for years, remained verbally positive whilst inside I am churning with emotions very opposed to this. The gift Paz the Kombi gave me was to move inside and see what’s feeling in there… and express it regardless of where I am, who I am with, listen to these feelings and let it go, be honest…. no more suppression, feel into any situation, check in that there is good intention, then let it go, Ow! The adventure of freedom, happiness and humour I always wanted has now become real, the ability to laugh at myself is now with me
Hi
Its like wow every morning to read the blogs, a friend at work sent me the link so now im kinda hooked.
I don’t want to sound simplistic but all of us have some kind of trauma real or believed we could easily dredge up at the drop of the hat but heres the thing
I have decided to live in the present and make the best of each day that I am given seeing as its another opportunity to enjoy life.
Yep I could drag out those stories, but best not to go there, I am conciously making an attempt to be the very best person that I can, I find that philosophy works well for me.
Anyway that was very enlightening, and I just thought I would take this opportunity to say thank you so much for the enlightenment!
Suz xox
Hi Brigitte (lovely name, by the way). Isn’t it amazing how we can believe everyone else is perfect? That nobody else in the world feels the way we do? It sounds like you’ve made real progress – thanks for sharing.
xox
Thanks for this, Michael: “I have parked the past where it belongs and am driving myself into the future.” I love it. You’re an inspiration.
xox
Hi Louise. Thanks for your comments – you’re very kind. Whenever I hear about childhood teasing, I always remember a point from a Margaret Atwood novel. It went something like: “Little girls only look like sweet little girls to adults; to other little girls they can be full-sized and monstrous.” It’s not surprising that it can have such an impact at the time but we choose how we let it affect us now – good on you for having the courage to embrace the personal development journey.
xox
I dealt with some emotional shrapnel about 5 years ago. Nobody ‘gave’ me this shrapnel… I made it all up myself.. and then buried it deep in my subconscious.
I believed that relationships meant getting hurt. I also believed that being fat kept me single and ‘safe’. These beliefs were completely subconscious. For 20 years I tried (and failed) to lose weight. I went on speed dates, blind dates, flirting workshops and everything in between to try and meet ‘Mr Right’.. and sabotaged my every effort.
When I finally became aware of my subconscious beliefs they were easy to discredit. The hard part was changing 20 years of behaviour! When I got scared I stopped and told myself I was ‘just practising’. That took away the fear and allowed me to behave like I wanted a relationship.
And it worked. I have been in a very happy and healthy relationship for 3 years – my first proper relationship! And even thouigh it took me until I was 36 to meet him he was definitely worth the wait!
Kim I love the comment you said “everyone was telling me I was a victim’. That is often thrown in your face and I believe a major reason why we don’t complain and share our issues. Someone always has something worse and your issues get discounted. Then we wonder why people go on shooting rampages.
The other Michael – yes the past does not define who we are, though some things do take time to move past and having people dismissing it as just get over it in my view sometimes makes it worse.
CJ – this was easily the best post you’ve ever written. Thank you a hundred times. And happy belated birthday
Hey CJ,
I know most of my life I had very little self esteem even with praising parents (who thought nothing of themselves) but somehow no I have plenty. I haven’t a clue when it happened, how it changed but I think my daughter was a pretty big part of it.
I kind of figured that I hadn’t thought much of myself because my parents didn’t think much of themselves and it didn’t matter what anyone said. So when it came to my girl I didn’t want to be saying you’re beautiful and at the same time think how ugly I am, so I, well I stopped, I guess. It was a fight at first and occasionally still is but I hope it ends up being worth it for her.
Then somewhere in the last few years I had an avalanche of self esteem. About a month ago I decided I wanted to start doing ballet, so I did. At 27, 5’4″ and 107kgs I undoubtedly don’t look like I should be doing ballet but I LOVE it, it’s hillarious good fun. When I started my mum said to me she was proud of me because she thought most mums that wanted to take up (insert anything here) they’d push their kids into it too scared to go themselves but I just go and do it. It had never occured to me to get someone else to do what I wanted to do myself, my daughter does go to ballet with the same teacher but if she wanted to stop it certainly would stop me from going. The whole thing so opposite to how I was growing up.
I find I am much more gregarious and happy within myself then I can ever remember being up until the age of 20 something. I’ve discovered that I’m funny and that people do actually enjoy my company, things I had never considered before.
Because I’m not sure how it happened really or what I did to change exactly I guess I don’t know if it will last and if it doesn’t how I’d get it back but I have firmly decided to not worry about something that hasn’t happened yet…lol
Maybe the key is to do things that scare the crap out of me (like so many do that subscribe to this site, who the hell is advocating that idea?!?! lol) Doing them whilst pretending that they don’t bother me at all, getting to the other side and the world having not ended regardless of success or failure…lol If that process doesn’t teach you a thing or two I don’t know what will.
Aaaahhh, If I could bottle whatever it was I would but alas it will have to remain a secret recipe.
Hope everyone has a lovely day, I’m going to go and enjoy some sunshine.
Celia
Hey CJ
I swear we were separated at birth because I have been like that my whole life, and I don’t know why. The difference being I had the big 50 last year sigh!
I’m with you on the klutz,lack of balance/very un-co, the shyness,sensitivity, the can’t see how attractive we really are thing. I too lost 15 kgs 3 years ago,looked fantastic, and slowly put half back on and now just can’t get my head in the right space- in my case I couldn’t handle the attention positive and negative and found it easier to fly under the radar.
I used to wish I could just get my brain rewired to the “normal” setting until I discovered the only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well!!
Look at you- you’re smart -attractive-great writer-fit-popular-have done stand up comedy successfully and get Craig Harper calling you on your birthday………a lot of women would like to be you (the you we see, you know the other woman with the “perfect life”)
Sue
Ahhh, Kate. You always crack me up but there is a lot of wisdom in your words too. Thank you.
xox
That’s a great story and lesson you’ve got there, Megan. Thank you. I’m sure you could write a song (or a poem? a limerick?) about Paz the Kombi.
xox
So glad you’re hooked, Suzi J. Thanks for the comment – it sounds like you have a great attitude about living in the present. Well done.
xox
Hi Fiona. I love the ‘just practising’ idea. What a great way to overcome fear. Thanks for sharing.
xox
Thanks, Franklin. I’m glad you found something in the post that resonated with you
xox
Hi Celia. Guess what? Your self-esteem changed because you made a conscious effort to change it and you were prepared to get uncomfortable. Thank you for sharing your fabulous story.
xox
Hi CJ,
When I read those “quotes” from your childhood It shocked me.. i thought they would be the “normal” ones that we all got during that era.. but they were pretty bad.. so i don’t blame you for feeling like you do/did! the one i always got that sticks in my head is “i love you but i don’t like you”… great for the self esteem..!
As a mother of a 3yo it’s very confusing trying to get the balance between the good self esteem, but not overdoing it and having them become arrogant like someone in your post comments said.. i wish there was a rule for this! i think our generation are all trying to be better parents than our parents, in order to not have them go through what we did/do, but what is the right balance!?
Happy birthday! i’ll probably be crying next year on my 40th like you did!
Hi Sue. Yep, we do sound very similar but you know what? We are both going to change those faulty beliefs about ourselves. Craig said it could be done and he’s always right (except when he wears ugg boots with army shorts).
xox
Hi CJ,
I am very good at making sure the emotional shrapnel I carry in my mind manifests itself in my life. Just when I think I’m letting it go, I allow myself to be stuck in a situations where the shrapnel is reaffirmed and added to. I keep proving to myself that what’s in my mind is right because that is what I end up with
It’s me, I know, I’m a work in progress. One step forward, two steps back. I just need to pick myself up again and keep foccused on the courageous steps I have taken in the past and not to be so hard on myself. Getting out of the fear cycle when things start to go wrong, that’s half the battle.
You’re right, Kyles, it’s a balance. That’s one of the challenges of being a parent, isn’t it? You don’t want your child to have poor self-esteem but neither do you want them to be so deluded that they make a complete git of themselves auditioning for Australia’s Got Talent when they, well, don’t.
Enjoy your last year of being 39
xox
CJ – clearly you have the day off!
Nice work everyone. See you on the morrow. x
Hi Teresa. Thanks for your honesty. Sometimes it can be very confronting to realise that our emotional shrapnel doesn’t actually exist. Because, although it may hurt, at least it’s a safe and familiar pain.
You know what to do now – you said it yourself: pick yourself up, focus on your past successes and don’t be so hard on yourself. Hugs for you.
xox
Hey CJ,
Fabulous post!!
I’m about to celebrate the 21st anniversary of my 21st birthday and only recently came to the realization that what other people thought of me was, well, really none of my business… this was a big help in picking out the shrapnel!!
Happy Birthday…xx
Hi CJ
I loved your post. I really understand where you are coming from and I found some relief in seeing that I am not alone. I am in my Fourty sixth year (god, I can’t believe I am that old?! – I feel 20!!!) And I have said to myself far too many times of late – why aren’t things/life/work/fincances/everything getting easier? It seems we all know what to do but far too many of us simply don’t do it! We are great at giving advice to people yet we still suffer alone. This is something I am studying and hope to write about one day (something I already expect to fail at and not follow thru – shush!!!)
CJ I am curious. Does this weekly post motivate you to follow through on anything on your to-do list?. I would imagine that you would be obliged to ‘walk the talk’ when working with the man. Accountability can be a wonderful thing. Has this made a differance to CJ? Your response will help me with my research.