Back to the Future Past
Have you noticed how some of us seem determined to drag our miserable past (or elements thereof) kicking, screaming and bitching into our present reality? Despite an alleged desire for happiness, some of us seem to be strangely focused on, obsessed with and, even controlled by, aspects of our not-so-desirable history. Somehow, we keep finding our way (or, maybe, thinking and behaving our way) back to the place we don’t want to be. Constantly replaying, relaying and reliving our not-so-happy times day after day; much to the disdain of our long-suffering family and friends.
Getting Past Our Past
My observation is that some people appear to be more preoccupied with generating sympathy, pity and attention (about their past) than they are with designing, creating and enjoying their own fantastic life in the present (the only place we’ll ever live). Instead of consciously and methodically exploring their (largely untapped) potential, making some life-shaping decisions, getting uncomfortable and taking a few chances, they seem to be more inclined to gravitate towards the familiar, the habitual, the unfulfilling, the (seemingly) safe and the low (or no) risk.
A Prisoner of Our History
While I genuinely empathise with, and feel for, people who have endured hardship (isn’t that all of us?), I don’t believe it does anybody any good to ‘wear’ it for years like a miserable badge of honour. Yes, we’ve all experienced sadness, pain, injustice and even tragedy in our lives; it comes with the whole being human thing. However, the challenge for those of us seeking to create something better than our current reality is to find a way to let go (emotionally) of the hold (power, control, influence) those past experiences have on us in this present moment. In other words: to move on – mentally, emotionally and practically. Being a prisoner of the past ain’t where it’s at.
And that’s a fact Jack.
Deserving Happiness
I have worked with people who have felt compelled to be sad – for years. I had one woman share with me that she didn’t feel entitled to be happy five years (five!) after one of her children had died in an accident. The thought of moving on and letting go made her feel guilty. When I suggested she didn’t need to let go of the memories of (or love for) her child but rather the misery associated with his death, her response was “why should I be allowed to enjoy life when my child (who died at twenty) doesn’t have a life?” She had convinced herself that it would be disrespectful, selfish and insensitive to move on. On some level, not right. In truth, her misery (although understandable) was helping nobody (including her) and was destroying and damaging relationships all around her. Thankfully, she has since moved on and is now channeling her emotional energy into something much more positive, productive and empowering – helping others through the grieving process.
Emotional Anchors
Sadly, many of us will drag around fear, anxiety and pessimism like emotional anchors chained to our heart. We will allow our past to destroy our health, happiness and hope for what we might do, be and create in the future. Sometimes we will train ourselves to expect the worst so that when it happens, it’s not so painful. Expect misery and life will be more tolerable – what a sad (but popular) paradigm to inhabit.
Some people will even get defensive about their negative disposition (attitude, communication, reactions) labeling it as realistic and practical – while simultaneously blaming anyone and everyone (except themselves) for their less-than-desirable (current) situation. Then, for good measure, they might dismiss those who choose to find the good as delusional dreamers who give people false hope.
Yowzer – glad I don’t live there.
Fanning the Flame of Negativity
While our past experiences were real (of course) and many of them were painful (of course), the only way they can continue to exist or influence us in the now, is if we keep feeding them; if we keep them alive. The only place the (negativity of our) past lives is in our head. That is, our thinking, beliefs, expectations, standards and fears – the window through which you and I view the world. It (the negativity of our past) only survives because we continue to hand over our power and potential to it. For a range of (fear-based) reasons, we (some of us) don’t allow ourselves to move on.
- What if I expect good and get bad?
- What if I open my heart to him/her and get hurt – again?
- What if I try to exercise and I injure my back again?
- What if go to the party and nobody talks to me?
- What if I enrol but I’m not smart enough?
Being Defined by Our Past
Consciously or not, intentionally or not, many of us will allow our previous negative experiences to shape, if not, determine, us in the now. This is the ultimate betrayal of our natural state (happiness). Of course, past events (good and bad) will influence who we are and how we roll (function, think, perceive, react, cope) in the present; that’s called being human. But, when our past negative experiences totally define (control, limit, paralyse) us in the now, it’s time for a new strategy, some cerebral renovation and a little re-programming above the shoulder region. Unless, of course, life-long misery is your goal.
Now, I’m the first to acknowledge that the theory of moving on and letting go is easier than the practical reality of it but I would remind you that all lasting transformation starts with (1) a moment in time (a realisation, an acknowledgement and a level of awareness), (2) a decision (don’t over-think it) and (3) the taking of a first step (like the one some of you are about to take).
Here’s a few suggestions that might help shift your thinking and your reality:
1. Do a treasure hunt on your life. Find the good; it’s there when you choose to shift your focus.
2. Ask better questions. When we ask solution-focused questions (as opposed to why-is-life-so-unfair questions) we put ourselves in a more resourceful, creative and empowered place.
3. Invest your emotional energy wisely.
4. Find some perspective. Last month I visited a children’s cancer ward. If an eight year-old with a terminal disease can smile and laugh, so can I.
5. Hang out with people who will drag you up, not down. Don’t spend time with people who will feed your negativity.
6. Keep in mind that the difference between a catastrophe and a lesson is YOU.
7. Recognise your thoughts for what they are: concepts that only have the power and influence that you allow them to have in your life.
Our history can be a stepping stone to an amazing life or it can be a millstone that keeps us weighed down. 
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You’re quite the smarty pants, aren’t you. ;p Seriously, though Craig, your clarity of thought is quite astounding.
I spent about 3/4 of a decade living in the past, and I was a complete pain in the arse because of it, and mostly to my family and friends. I still get “flash backs” every now and then (about how horrible some people can be, imo). I then feel momentarily angry and regretful because I wish I’d been wiser and less naive “back then”. Fortunately, I now quickly move on, as I try to live by the decision of learning from the past, which is, after all, where wisdom comes from.
Outstanding as Robyn says.
I think one of the things but is the concept of moving on and letting go. These two sayings are so overused it is not funny. I don’t believe we really can. We are told so dismissive by society and others to do those two things but what do they mean.
You quote the lady with the child in the accident. You cannot just expect her to go waltzing around town with a beaming smile. However, I do agree not wearing anything is also good.
BUT BUT BUT – you mention the MOST crucial thing humans can do – yes it can be difficult in work and family situations, but stay away from those that FEED negativity. See that’s what I did and I paid a very very very heavy price for it because I listened to others who had agendas and were negative. That Craig, is the bst piece of advice for not letting the past shape our present and our future.
Craig you make some good points. I particularly like ‘Emotional Anchors’. I have tried to move on but my thoughts of the past follow me wherever I go. I want them to be gone.
I remember in a previous post about how you use music to find peace. I find that focussing on music helps me to be in the now. Listen to or play some music every day to stop you focussing on the past or the future.
Live in the present.
Be aware of where you are now, not where you were then.
Grow from your experiences.
“Do your best, pray that it’s blessed and He’ll take care of the rest”
- Keith Greene.
This is one quote that reminds me of how small I am in comparison to the big picture, and yet I may just be one important cog in the Big Wheel of life. Each trial that comes my way may be real hard to deal with at the time, but once the lesson is learnt and the hurdle jumped, the next one doesn’t seem so huge.
I remember after my father died (suicide) I was very angry with anyone who smiled – didn’t they know what pain I was in? Yet time and wise counsel has softened the blow, and given me tools to bear up under two recent deaths – one of my best friends and my hubby.
Tears are good, fears and other negative emotions are not.
As an incest survivor, for years I lived in denial that the incest was still affecting my life. I buried my feelings with food and just pretending that I wasn’t hurt by the events of my childhood. The rage inside me grew.
Letting go of the past for some of us isn’t that easy. For me, I had to reclaim my feelings. I had to admit that the incest was still very much affecting my life. I had to feel all of the anger, rage, hurt, sadness and pain. I had to grieve all of the losses. None of that happened overnight. It was a lengthy process. I got professional help and went to 12-Step meetings and did a lot of talking. I talked non-stop for 10 years. People probably wished I would just shut up. Some even told me so. Breaking the silence of incest, opened a flood of feelings and words that needed to come out. I wasn’t stuck in the pain or in the issues. I was moving through them by talking and writing about them and feeling what I felt.
I know some people would use my incest background to stay a victim. I didn’t. I am now outspoken about my recovery from incest to help other survivors who may still be in the abuse or in early recovery from abuse. Nobody has to stay the victim and be in the “oh poor me” stage unless they want to. Some people do stay in that stage because of the rewards of attention that being a victim gets them. To me, the downside of being a victim isn’t where I want to be. That is what I hear you saying with this post. Thanks for the encouragement.
Tough one. I am struggling to fully agree with you. What about events in your life, especially in early age that leaves one, for example, to some extent emotionally impaired, as sexual abuse. In my experience letting go only takes one so far and the healing process is a long one. At the same time every day occurrences can be recurrant reminders of the past abuse.
Mr Harper,
Just interested in what brand flannelette shirts you wear, and where do you get them. I’m a big muscled guy, and have never found them with enough room around the arms and chest.
Thanks
Jim
PS This is a serious question, not a p*ss take!
All I can say is that the past is in the past. Put it behind you or else you will end up making your relationships toxic.
Putting the past in the past and having it stay there really isn’t that simple. I wish it were. Feeling the feelings from the past is what heals, not being in denial that you have a past. I don’t have any toxic relationships.
Patricia: two words … thank you.
I read this article earlier and some of it had me squirming in my seat. It was like looking in a mirror. Other bits of it had me smiling because I know I’ve made progress. I know I still have some way to go on the journey but I AM getting there.
Thought of the day: I can’t change my past but what can I do today to make tomorrow a better place?
Hi Guys. Thanks for sharing.
I knew this topic would push buttons. Just in case I wasn’t clear – I didn’t suggest (for one moment) that letting go of the past was a quick or simple process – in fact, I know it’s not. And yes, I know we will always be influenced by our past. The key message of this post is not ‘instant change’ but rather, to not be controlled or defined by our history.
Patricia, I value your wisdom, insight, honesty and courage. Thanks for being part of this chat and for sharing so honestly and openly. Hugs for you.
Also, I will say that when it comes to healing, moving on and reclaiming our life, different things work for different people.
Hey Jim. I buy them from a range of places but mostly, Target. Usually the ones that fit me in the chest, back and arms are a little long…
Hi there, I’m one of your ‘lurkers’, but today’s message on our past has prompted me to overcome the technical ‘stuff’ that prevents me from the usual response/comment/feedback. I need to say that you have a wonderful capacity for writing about something that is so relevant at a specific time. Perhaps it’s the ‘when the student is ready the teacher will appear’ and if that’s so, it’s ok. I what is commonly referred to in my family as a ‘bottom drawer’. It’s stuffed full of all my emotional baggage over the significant number of years I’ve been around (my past), and of recent times it’s been soooooooooo overflowing that some has started to escape – to be dealt with and hopefully no longer be a part of my future. Thankyou – your emails are so motivating.
Dear Craig,
I do agree that if you don’t let go of the past it becomes toxic in the now. It’s amazing your post has come at a time where I have decided to separate after 26yrs of marriage because I cannot let go of the past, the damage which caused me soo much pain and suffering. This pain,loss which has changed me as the person I once was caring and loving. Some of us can let go,forgive,move on and live. Others like me the impact making me not want to give anymore.
We search for help to heal, to be happy now but for some the only way out sometimes is to end what has such a hold over you.
Exactly what I needed to hear today Craig. Thankyou, thanyou, thankyou. I’m always amazed (not in a bad way) how the same words (your words) mean so many different things to different people. We all personalize it don’t we? Anyhoozle (as you say), thanks again. Kaz x
artemis I can’t let go of my one I split from, everyone goes on and on that once you let go of someone, a job, or anything, a magical fairyland of newness arrives and you dance in the fields of tulips with the one and the career and everything is coming up roses, ….absolute crap. I have tried this letting go of someone and some things, I found I could only do it very very slowly and I am advanced from when I started posting on Mr Harper’s board but I have a long way to go. Like Patricia says, sometimes one, me not you, or anyone who agrees, has to go ok well look X happened it did I cannot let go of it..that is the way it is. People just expect others to snap out of things. At the same time, there is much merit in accepting and being kind to yourself. All I can say is, sometimes things that cannot be change cannot be moved from. People should not be forced to do so.
Craig,
I really like the part about being defined by our past.
“Consciously or not, intentionally or not, many of us will allow our previous negative experiences to shape, if not, determine, us in the now.”
After all if a person somehow labels themselves as a victim, they create circumstances in their life to keep this belief alive. Who would they be without this label?
This is where Time Line Empowerment and Shamanism comes in very handy. By helping a person go back in their time line…their past, these processes allow them to change the emotions attached with the event. Once the emotion is released, they effectively have crated a new personal history. The individual can now move forward with out bring the garbage of the past with.
Sure, we all have baggage, but if the contents are cleaned and neatly folded the impact will be minimal.
Great post, thanks for bring this subject up.
A message to Michael who responded to my email and to others about healing the past or letting go and are trying to move on.
The latest book I happened to pick up from the library- BURIED FEELINGS STAY ALIVE is worth reading if someone is searching to let go.
This author believes the only way you can get rid of past feelings is to bring them to the surface,realize why you still have them or they are a trigger and have them REPLACED with new thinking or with action.
Apparently if we choose to ignore,cover up or move on (as long as we can) they will continue to re-appear sometime in our lives until they have been replaced. Which means once replaced they are disposed of.
I’m trying to learn this technique but it isn’t easy to find a permanent replacement.
I thought I would share this if anyone was interested.
For me, there’s no such thing as the past. They only exist in our memory. These days, I started to question the idea of the past. What if what I remembered was merely a childhood fantasty? The past or the future are nothing but thoughts.
People talk about acceptance. However, acceptance also has another meaning in a negative sense, surrender. At some point in some people’s lives, they surrendered to the situation. At the same time, they surrendered to their emotion. Consequently, they surrendered and just responded to their emotion.
To start move on to the past, one must work with their emotion and not surrender to it.
Great post Craig. You have to face the unpleasant feelings/emotions. If you bury them they will fester over years and become toxic and irrational.
Going to a counseller may help some people. Speaking to someone who has come out from the other side is also great as they can understand where you are coming from. Along the line a new way of thinking has to be implemented otherwise the mind wants to go down the old worn track of negativity. Also, staying away from those who want to feed that negativity is a good thing, even if they are family members.
However, it is a fact that what happens in a childhood can have a profound impact on how we function as adults. Sexual abuse, emotional abuse and parental neglect push us into troubled adult years without good tools to cope in life. It is not easy to just do the “jolly hockey sticks” approach. And even if it is managed well, it is a life long work in progress. Patience and taking things day by day are helpful.
The most important thing is to never give up working towards being a better person.
I buried my infant son at the age of 21. Now at 47 coupled with negative events and a lack of good psychological councilling in between, it’s been a daily battle with finding something to live for. Let me tell you – it is F****** hard to come back from this and the whopping great scar that is left. I guess I’m you’re poster child for your post – living in the past and I hate that! Its a dark dark place that I can’t find my way out of…….
Anonymous, please get counseling. Talking your pain out does help you come out of the darkness into the light. I have never lost a child so I can’t know where you are coming from and the pain that entails. I am not minimizing your pain. I know it is real. If it is too much to handle on your own, find help in whatever form you can, even if it is just a loving friend who will listen and hold you when you need to cry.
It is very easy for someone who has never experienced deep pain and hurt to tell you to just get on with your life. It is never that easy. My experience is that until I am willing to feel the feelings of loss or abuse, that they do not go away. You can bury them for awhile but they always resurface.
Thank you Craig for your wonderful words of support. Having a good support system is what has allowed me to work through most of my incest issues and come out the other side to be able to offer my support to other incest survivors. I feel compassion for myself and for them because I have been there. I blog about my experiences because I don’t want any other survivor to feel as alone as I did when I was working on my initial incest issues. Today my life is affected to a much smaller degree by the incest. I don’t know if they will ever be completely resolved but today there is joy and peace and laughter in my life.
My husband who has been with me every step of the way hasn’t always understood or liked where I was in my journey and he has always offered a shoulder to cry on even when I couldn’t tell him why I was crying. He has shown infinite patience and love over the years. In August we will have been married 38 years. Because of the incest, two of those years were pure Hell when I finally opened up to my feelings, the biggest being the rage that I had stuffed for so many years.
I think it is great if you are someone that has never felt any kind of loss or abuse in your life. You are truly blessed. Unless you have felt abuse or loss, don’t presume to tell me or any other survivor what they should feel or how they should just get over it. Don’t you realize that if getting over it was that simple, I would have already done just that. I don’t like to suffer any more than you do.
Yes, as Craig’s post said, I do have the choice to move on in my life. Moving on entails going through the pain of incest and the pain of loss before I can release it from my life and that takes time. I was abused for at least 6 years that I have memories of from the age of 11-16. I have clues that tell me I may have been abused as early as 3 years old.
It takes time to heal from that abuse and loss of childhood. I am not stuck in my issues. I know that some people do get struck and never move forward. Those people are the ones that I see Craig’s article aimed at. I don’t see it being aimed at me at all. I am moving forward every day. I do know people that seem to be stuck in the past. I feel sad for them and that is their choice. We all have choices.
I become glued to the past when circumstances happened which I felt I was powerless to stop.
I remain stuck to the ill feelings of the past while I seek a resolution, by bringing back a return of my control, to control others who caused the bad stuff to happen.
They controlled me when I was powerless, now I want to control them.
But I now I have become them, when that is the course of resolution I am seeking.
The only thing I CAN control is myself!
And what I CAN do right now, is to give up trying to control and rectify that bad past stuff which happened, with the memories sitting and residing happily in my brain, like a toxic tick gorging itself on that continual supply of negative emotion that attempting to resume control and rectification of the past engenders.
So this calls for me to allow people to be what they were, for they were doing only what they ‘knew’ to do…no matter how negative their actions. They did not ‘know’ better, for if they did, they would not have impinged negatively on the pure blank slate I was.
So, it becomes about forgiveness, not of them, but of myself.
I forgive myself for attempting to control and rectify the past, and those who participated negatively in it. It is not about them now, it is about me, and they do not matter.
They do not matter, and I forgive myself for allowing them to matter, for they absolutely were NEVER worth it!
When they mattered to me, THEY were in control of me!
Now, it is I who is in control!
That is, that I matter from here on….not them!
Now that I have regained control of myself, by letting go of my attempt to rectify the past, I am now worthy to myself… not of worth to anyone else….and not of worth to that negative entrapment of the past!
Now that I allow the forgiveness of myself (as I only knew how to deal with the negativity of past happenings by maintaining the resentment)…. I am great, now I am a clean slate in a pure state!