Sorry about stealing Mr Wilde’s quote for today’s title but it seemed apt. So thanks, Oscar.
Not Good Enough
You know what makes me sad? The ever-expanding number of people who believe that they need to become a version of someone else to be good enough. To fit in. To be accepted. To find happiness. What a destructive belief. Take a look around and you’ll discover that this kind of thinking has become an epidemic.
Who We’re Not
Have you noticed how many people – both kids and adults – seem desperate to be anyone but themselves these days? Rather than discovering who and what they are at their core (beliefs, values, standards, drivers) and being that person to the best of their ability, it seems that many people are totally committed to becoming a replica of someone else. Someone who they perceive to be cooler. Prettier. Funnier. More popular. More powerful. More desirable. And sadly, in the middle of all their acting, pretending, imitating and self-loathing, they deny and reject the only person who can actually make them happy: themselves. Happiness, of course, being the universal goal.
“In our search for happiness, consciousness, meaning and personal growth, an important distinction needs to be made between self-improvement (trying to become a better version of me) and self-denial (trying to be somebody else).”
The Self-Destruct Button
I am both fascinated and saddened by the growing number of people who modify, distort and eventually mutilate their bodies via on-going surgery in an attempt to look like (be like) their idol or to achieve (their concept of) physical perfection. In no way do I mean this to be judgmental or critical but, rather, observational and sympathetic. Where and how did they learn that happiness will somehow be found at the end of a surgeon’s scalpel? And no, I’m not talking about the odd nose or boob job, I’m talking about people who put themselves into massive debt, have multiple high-risk procedures and are never content with their appearance. It’s an expensive slippery slope of self-destruction (financially, emotionally and physically) and it never ends well.
“Okay, now I’m finally content with my appearance.”
… is not something you’ll hear from their lips. If only they would realise that what’s missing from their life has nothing to do with their body. Clearly, a psychological, emotional and spiritual void can’t be filled with a physical solution.
Human Cloning
And then there’s the way that some of us feel compelled to dress, act, walk and talk. When, how and why did we learn that we need to be a clone of someone else? Who or what taught us that we’re not good enough? Smart enough. Anything enough? Sure, it’s healthy to admire, respect and learn from other people (some people), but it’s destructive and disempowering to want to be them.
The irony is that while some people will spend a lifetime desperately seeking the acceptance, respect, acknowledgement and approval of others, all any of us really needs is self-acceptance and self-approval. And no, self-acceptance and self-approval is not a manifestation of the ego but, rather, spiritual maturity, gratitude, consciousness and love.
Self love.
While we’re at it, I guess I should mention the whole people-pleasing aspect to this “losing us” epidemic…
The Human Doormat
As I’ve said many times before, it’s nice to be nice but it’s not nice to be a doormat. To be honest, we’ve probably all been a doormat at some stage (for partners, parents, bosses, siblings, friends). Good intentions don’t always produce good results and there are times when we simply need to resist the pressure, the expectation, the guilt (yes, guilt) and the group-think. To overcome the enormity of conformity as opposed to being overcome. To be us in the middle of them. Sometimes, in our attempts to be accommodating, popular, inoffensive, compliant and nice, we lose our way, our identity and eventually we lose ourselves.
In its purest form, loving yourself is not an act of vanity but one of kindness. So today, I’m encouraging you to be kind to you, by being you.
I think you’ll be good at it. 
As always, love to hear your thoughts on this topic.
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
So true..and once self is lost, it is so very hard to find again, if ever…even with real soul searching and effort..In accomodating others, for whatever reason, you actually start to loathe yourself.
I found one of the hardest aspects in raising my four children was to teach them that they are unique people and helping them find their unique skill set and then help develop it to the max was quite a challenge at times. Peer group pressure so much a part of daily life is difficult to resist particularly in adolescence. If you do not dress like everyone else, act like everyone else, talk like everyone else it can be very hard to be accepted by your peers. As a society we do not tend to encourage the individual to shine in their own light . We talk about it, even believe that we encourage it but in fact we feel safer hiding and teaching our children to hide within the group and mimicking the behaviour of others. I am saddened every time I hear a parent telling their child to do -whatever it may be -like some other kid or to make friends with the right kids or to get invited to the right party etc. Always comparing their child to someone else. Watch the face of a child during the comparison game – its not a pretty sight. I always maintain that being a copy is never as good as the original so why aspire to be a lesser version of someone else. Universal acceptance cannot happen so it is a useless persuit. Being a good person on the other hand is within the grasp of everyone and very much a worthwhile persuit. If only we all had the courage to try it.
People think I am strange but since I think they are crazy I can’t rely on their judgment, can I?
When I was teenage lad girl friends were few and far between, I was always refered to us ugly, then when I became folically challenged I copped all sorts of shit! I soooo wanted to be some one else, but I am who I am, its kind of funny but i only have a small circle of friends thats because they accept me for who I am, because I accept who I am, not what some one else wants me to be.
ditto what Jenny said!
cheers Kate, who is still trying to find herself again.
When I stopped trying to be the person everyone wanted me to be, I finally became the person I was always meant to be…
( …and this was good, so on the seveneth day, I rested
)
Nice post Craigo.
I think I am closer to ‘being me’ than I ever have been before. And it feels pretty good!!!
I’m glad you touched on the whole doormat thing. Yesterday my supervisor at work gave me a special gift in order to help improve my doormat “yes, I can do that” issues. It’s something that can be used it numerous situations. It’s compact, easily folded and carried (in my purse). I can use it at work, or in my personal life.
… It’s a small piece of paper with large red writing on it.
It says: NO.
When she handed it to me, she said: ”It’s a very powerful word. Use it as you see fit!”
Awesome.
All day, I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
(Sorry if I was a bit off-topic)
Em
x ( )
Hey Craig !
I stole that quote some time ago and have used it regularly as my sig tag in my emails !
I had dreadful inferiority issues from childhood until about 20 years ago. I truly believed everyone else was better than me. I never tried to join in conversations because “no-one would be interested in anything I could add”. If anyone tried to start a conversation with me, I was so terrified of making an idiot of myself that I probably did anyway, with my single word responses !
I never had any confidence in my abilities, even though I was often complimented on them. Sometimes I wouldn’t attempt something I wanted to do, just in case I failed. When my music teacher wanted me to sit for exams (particularly when it came to professional performance, organ) I told him I couldn’t do it. He said “What’s the worst thing that could happen ? You fail, and then you try again”. I actually passed, first time, with a high score !
But somewhere along the way, I suddenly realised that I liked myself, and that was all that really mattered. I didn’t like the way I interacted with people though (or didn’t !!) so I gradually began to change that, always keeping in mind that “this is me, this is the way I am and if you don’t like it, bad luck” !! Oddly enough, I discovered that people really did like me after all, once they realised I could actually speak !
I’m still sometimes a little hesitant when it comes to starting a conversation with someone I don’t know, but I’m getting there. It’s been a long haul !
{{HUG}} Tina
PS… I think you got through to Mr Old Fart on Monday night… he said he was convinced you were talking about/to him !!
Hi Craig
I don’t disagree with this post to a point.
However if those things make you feel good about yourself then so be it. As long as you are not hurting others than that is your will.
It only becomes an issue to me when others who are not mentally there start following
We all need role models and good mentors and sometimes you need to learn from your peers and copy them.
I hope this makes sence.
Ps my wigwams I enjoyed Monday night
Many thanks
Chris watt
Hi Craig, These are global issues! Thank you for all the awareness your’re sharing. Love from Buenos Aires, Argentina,
Virginia
Something else has come mind.
My dear mother had a saying……
I am not trying to keep up with the Joneses….
I am the Joneses!!!!!!
Hi Craig,
Thank you for reminding me and others of this
I’ve spent my whole life until this year trying to be someone else, no one in particular but in honestly, ANYONE BUT ME!
This year I have embraced self love, self trust and the knowledge that I am, as is everyone, exceptional no matter what.
The best thing I’ve done is to write my experiences so I can see how I’ve grown, and then I faced a fear and decided to make the public so others could related and share my journey as well as their own.
We don’t need to change ourselves, we need to love ourselves and show ourselves compassion.
Letting go and accpeting who we are, flaws and all, is the best decision I’ve ever made.
Here’s to being us!
Much love xoxo
Love this! Sometimes I just want to scream it outaloud at work.. I just seriously cant believe how people consistently try to imitate… its not only annoying but they look ridiculous!
My mother always said ‘honey there will always be someone smarter, ugler, hotter and dmmer but there is only U!
Im facebooking that quote…
just to COPY Lol – but dont worry I will copyright it…
And remember, no matter where you go, there you are. ~Confucius
I am what I am, so long as I am myself
-Wombat
Interesting thoughts here. Is it ok to consciously take attributes / traits we like from our role models and apply them in our own lives? I think so…At least I do… but it then begs the question of perception and interpretation – consider the person undertaking physical augmentation may truly believe this is genuine self improvement – ie. they are an unenlightened mind who is focused more on the outside than the inside in which case ignorance is bliss even if it does perpetuate the shallow end of how we judge beauty….and then if it truly does make them feel ok about themselves and they function better as people because of it does that make it wrong? In the absence of information they may not be taking the best path to fulfilment but if they can get there without it then maybe we need to reconsider the complex nature of the journey we are on and learn from the diversity that we are presented with.
I am.
Have a great day all.
Hi craig,
I love your writings but may I ask if you believe in GOD? just a “yes” or “no” will do. Many thanks,
Janet
hello Craig. Beautiful.
Hugs to you my friend.
You say the `walk on me gently so`s you don`t hurt your feet` attitude is curable? thx. I`keep that in mind when washing my doormat WELCOME t-shirt
This is such a powerful blog on such a pertinant topic. I have many struggles with this very battle but as I have matured I have found it easier to be myself. When we compare ourselves to others it is easy to fall in to the trap of focussing our attention on what we are not doing and what we lack instead of focusing on what we can do and enjoying what we have. Great post Craig!
This body of mine is but a vehicle that somehow became attached to the ‘me’.
It is not me.
The opinions of others and myself are not me.
But I can go through life breathing and thinking away, with a belief that I am separate from the force that married the breath of this body with the breath of this soul.
It is that sense of separation that may drive me to become someone that is one with an emotion, a feeling, a description… that are engendered by an interaction with this physical reality that has human desire and fear and control as a template for the social being of living.
It is only when I am able to see honestly the dishonesty of human beings patently attempting to become one with illusory stature, that I will let slip the sense of separation that the conflict of separateness inflicts.
Sorry, society does not want who we are, only what’s useful and acceptable to them. To get on in life, to get the plasma, the ‘friends’, the money you have to be who you are not. It’s the only way. If it turns out we only have one life to live I would rather on the deathbed have these things then be individual and alone. Please others, have the surgery, sacrifice yourself. Do you want to be alone, because if you are not what others want that is what you will get. Get real.
I know this is a late comment.
I love my new body that I created with my PT/coach, but not everyone who is meant to love me does.
I have new (3 yrs) legal activities which I totally love & lose time in, but not everyone who is meant to love me does.
I want to continue to be the new me that I’ve become, but not everyone who is meant to love me does.
I know that people can’t make you feel emotions it’s your reactions to they behaviour. But it’s not easy.
To Anon above if the choice was that easy. Right now, the way I’m feeling I would choose to be alone instead of married.
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