Alone

A Need to Belong

The thought of being alone terrifies most of us. It seems we have an inbuilt need to be part of something (a group, an organisation, a team, a tribe, a religion, a family, a gang) or someone else. We have an overwhelming urge to be loved, needed, wanted, valued, desired and appreciated. To belong. Without being attached to someone or something many of us feel incomplete. Invisible. Less valuable. Less worthy. Confronted with the possibility of being alone, many people will do strange, desperate, irrational, embarrassing and even dangerous things. We fear isolation; social, emotional, psychological and physical isolation. We crave to touch and be touched; both literally and metaphorically. Before a baby can understand anything, it understands and craves touch. It also understands isolation. We carry that into adulthood.

Robinson Crusoe

I don’t believe we’re built to be alone; to live an indefinite life of isolation. We’re not particularly good at it. And it’s not always healthy for us. Having said that, I also know that periods of isolation can be an integral and valuable part of our personal growth journey; life changing even. While we don’t want to live a life apart (understandably), being constantly attached to someone or something (I am not necessarily talking about a romantic relationship here) is also unhealthy and potentially destructive over the long term.

What Terrifies us Teaches Us

Sometimes the thing that scares us most is exactly what we need to learn, grow, adapt and gain strength (but not what we necessarily want or appreciate at the time). In many cases, what terrifies us teaches us. It can help us discover who we really are (and aren’t) beyond our attachment to, or relationship with, someone or something else. In a sense, it can allow us to stop being a part of something (for a while) and to start being an all of something else; all of me. All of you. Some of us have been a part (only) for so long, that it can feel like we lost us long ago.

Noise and Distraction

Some of us love to immerse ourselves in constant busy-ness, mayhem, noise and people; it allows us to keep our head in the sand for just a little bit longer. To numb the pain. To ignore what our heart has been telling us for a long time. Note that I said heart, not head. Although our mind is an incredible computer with infinite ability, it also has the capacity to deceive, lie and mislead. To sabotage our potential. To get in our way. To stand between us and fulfillment, peace, happiness, nirvana, success; whatever that means for us personally. If we don’t control it, it will control us. You know what I mean because it’s often busy in your head isn’t it? Too busy. Our heart, on the other hand, speaks only truth. And while the truth can set us free, it also scares us. And of course, we don’t like being scared.

Silence

We can all benefit from regular silence, space, solitude and serenity; the four S’s. Sometimes a dose of ‘alone’ is the best medicine. Many of us live in the middle of mayhem. Periodic mayhem; okay. Constant mayhem; not okay. What our mind wants and what our heart and body need are often poles apart. Being away from the busy-ness, the crowds and the mayhem means listening to that still, small voice; the one we’ve been so good at ignoring for far too long. The voice of our heart. Whenever we’re alone, really alone, it commands our attention. Being alone scares some of us because it makes us feel. Deeply. It makes us face up to… us. The entirety of us; the good, the bad and the dysfunctional. For many people, silence is completely terrifying; something to be avoided. It’s too confronting. It makes them feel and feeling hurts, so noise it will be. Their eternal companion is the distraction of the TV, radio, iPod or anything loud enough and constant enough to eradicate the silence. Anything that will drown out that still small voice. Personally, I love silence. I crave it. I miss it when I don’t have it. It nourishes my soul, gives me perspective, calm and balance.

Not Sexy

One of life’s ironies is that the more desperate we are to be loved, needed, accepted and wanted, the less attractive we will be to anyone (person, group, organisation) and the more disconnected we may ultimately be. And I’m not just speaking about personal relationships here. Note to self: desperation; not sexy. Over the years I have watched many of my friends, colleagues and clients do stupid (I mean ridiculous) things to impress family and friends, to belong to a group, to attract someone or to keep a hold on a person. Anything from telling major lies, to compromising their values and beliefs, to getting pregnant, to feigning illness, to threatening violence, to major cosmetic surgery. And as you would imagine, those tactics always work out well. Not.

Getting to Know You

In reality those people don’t need anyone or anything else to be complete, or worthy or amazing or beautiful. Neither do you. As long as our self esteem, our sense of self-worth, our happiness, our confidence and our identity are totally dependant on any relationship (person, organisation, etc.), we will always be insecure because all relationships are temporary. The only question being, how temporary? You on the other hand, you will always be in your life, so maybe you should spend some quality time with you, sooner, rather than later.

When you get to know you, you may even like you.

If you don’t know it already, I’ll tell you right now – you are an amazing, spectacular and beautiful person with more potential than you know. And no, this is not some feel-good, mumbo-jumbo hype; this is absolute truth. If it’s not your truth, it needs to be. I know these words won’t sit well with some of you (what with that crappy self-esteem and destructive self-talk), but once again, that’s just your mind sabotaging your happiness, your potential and your future. Stop it.

Enjoy your Friday.

And your own company.

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