Fairness: What an Interesting Concept
In life, sometimes stuff works out and sometimes, it doesn’t. Of course it does. And doesn’t. Sometimes, things go exactly to plan and sometimes, our plan kicks us in the nuts. Sometimes, we manage our situation and sometimes, our situation manages us. Sometimes, bad things happen to good people and sometimes, good things happen to bad people.
Don’t ask me why, it just does.
Sometimes, in the middle of all our good intentions, positive attitude, responsible behaviours and logical choices, we still find a way to hurt people we care about. Including ourselves. Sometimes, we land on our feet and sometimes, we fall on our head. Sometimes our kindness and generosity are met with criticism and skepticism.
So not fair. 
The Reality Fairy
Sometimes, we are pleasantly surprised by certain people and sometimes, the Reality Fairy takes a dump on our unsuspecting head. Sometimes, life opens a door of opportunity and sometimes, that door breaks our nose as it slams shut.
To be honest, of all there is to know about life, I know virtually nothing. The older I get, the more this becomes apparent. I’m more of an observer than I am any kind of expert but what I do know is that life is a messy, dynamic, amazing, terrifying, beautiful and unpredictable ride. I also know that you and I constantly create our own personal reality (moment by moment, day by day) and therefore, our lives mean whatever we decide they mean.
Our Self-Created Reality
If I truly believed that my life was unfair, then that would be my literal (self-created) reality. Consciously or not, intentionally or not, you and I are constantly giving things (experiences, events, conversations, situations, relationships) labels and therefore, meaning and power. Good, bad. Hard, easy. Lesson, problem.
Fair, unfair.
For most of us living our comfortable first-world lives, our personal happiness level has little to do with the situation or circumstance we find ourselves in and a lot to do with how we act, react, process and interpret the goings-on of our world. In other words, it has a lot to do with what transpires in that space between our ears.
In a very literal sense, life is what we make it. And think it.
The Fairness Fallacy
In the context of this discussion, fairness only exists in our mind. It’s a personal interpretation. An interpretation that varies greatly from person to person. It’s a label. An idea. An opinion. And, for many people, a barrier to happiness and progress. Some people are so obsessed with how unfair their lives are that they actually forget to live. And sadly, in the middle of all their woe-is-me-ness, they surrender their power, their potential and, ultimately, their happiness to a self-created injustice.
Somewhere along the way, some of us have convinced ourselves that life owes us something. It doesn’t.
A Few Thoughts To Finish:
1. The ‘fairness of life’ mindset is a dangerous and destructive place to live.
2. Labeling a life fair or unfair serves no positive or intelligent purpose. It helps nobody and invariably leads to nothing more than self-pity.
3. The notion of life owing anyone anything is a ridiculous concept because ‘life’ (in this context) is a philosophical construct. Some people talk about it (life) like it is some kind of conscious entity or intelligent being that somehow makes decisions about you and me, thereby determining our destiny. Good grief. Get a grip.
4. Life is not in charge of your destiny, your future or your outcomes. You are.
5. If I said to you “hey, that banana is unfair” would you think I was an idiot? Well, that’s how helpful and logical it is for you to label your life unfair. The “my life is unfair” mindset is nothing but a waste of emotional energy. Which invariably leads to a waste of mental and physical energy.
6. Should I tell my twelve year-old paraplegic client (Issy) that her life is unfair? Will that help her on any level? If anything, it will distract her from what matters: exploring her potential, learning new things, making progress and having fun.
The pertinent question today is not “is my life fair or unfair” but rather, “in the middle of all my inevitable trials and tribulations, what will I do with my life.” 
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{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m sorry, Craig, but I strongly disagree with this post.
If we’re talking about random act of illness, accident or misadventure then life is clearly not fair and we all know that. Bad stuff happens to good people. Good people get cancer. Children are born with disabilities or diseases. One’s father may be killed crossing the road when he’s 52 but a serial killer will sit in his prison cell until he’s 98. Fair? Of course not. But dwelling on the random nature of life is completely pointless and paralysing.
However, if we look at fairness in terms of everyone having the opportunities and resources they need to create their best life, then I feel that the concept of fairness IS a legitimate one. It is what makes us human. And humane.
To a certain extent, life DOES owe us something. We are all part of a global community. Every person on this planet has some basic needs which must be met simply by virtue of being human. These were set out in the Universal Declaration of Human Rights. If we don’t believe that we all have a right to have our needs met (with, of course, associated responsibilities) then we lose part of our humanity. I’m not talking about the sense of entitlement that some of us feel to always have the latest ipod, I’m talking about basic needs such as the right to safety, the right to earn a fair wage, the right to go to school, the right to marry whom we choose.
If those needs aren’t met by our society, then our life IS unfair.
We need to be able to feel righteous indignation at the unfairness of the world in order to want to change it. To protect the victims of abuse. To find solutions. To seek better ways. To make small changes and to make mammoth changes.
The suffragettes in the early twentieth century felt that it was unfair that women didn’t have the vote.
The Australian Aborigines (and lots of non-Aboriginal supporters) felt that it was unfair that even in 1967 they were not counted in the census of Australia’s population. (yep, you read right. They weren’t counted as people until after 1967).
Dr Catherine Hamlin felt that it was unfair that women in Ethiopia weren’t given adequate medical treatment for terrible physical problems caused by childbirth (usually because they were young girls who had been married off to much older men).
Sometimes, of course, life is unfair for no discernible reason. That’s when instead of saying ‘Why me?’, we need to say ‘Why not me?’ Tragedy and challenges can’t always happen to someone else and we need to make the most of it.
But sometimes life is unfair because of the insensitivity and selfishness of those in power (political power, economic power, religious power). Sometimes, we need to be able to object and protest. Sometimes we need to be able to shout that it’s not good enough and change things. Because many, many people don’t have a voice. It’s not their attitude; it’s their situation.
We have to recognise that sometimes there’s a bloody good reason why things aren’t fair. That’s when the able amongst us need to get angry and do what we can to change situations for those who are powerless. In little ways and big ways.
Ok. There’s my two cents’ worth. I know that you’ll say that you weren’t discussing fairness in that context and that is true. I just think that the concept of fairness is a biggy and is about much, much more than attitude and perspective.
With respect
Christina
Hi Christina – With respect huh – start showing Craig some ……..why do you bother posting
Christina,
A beautiful and eloquent description of life! I couldn’t agree more. I understand your passion for human rights and the fact that life isn’t fair in certain circumstances – this is the reason why we fight for a better vision of the world.
Craig – I think her post has everything to do with what you have said but it looks at a wider vision of humanity. Yes, people need to change how they view life and attitude has a big impact. I also agree with your comment about what you do with your life is what matters, not whether it is fair or not.
Yes, there are many individuals who feel sorry for themselves and need a good kick up the backside. There are also many who need a reality check and a reminder that there is more to the world than themselves. However, acknowledging that life is unfair does not mean it is a bad thing to say so. It’s okay to say that. It’s okay to acknowledge what a person perceives as their “reality” and helpful for them to move forward with the attitude of how can I make the world a better place.
For the person who wrote that Christina wasn’t showing Craig respect, then my dear person, the degree and level of your depth and understanding of life and humanity is quite visible and limited.
Christina, I think you have summarised the whole debate beautifully.
Craig, philosophical viewpoints can take many people round in circles but that is the beauty and joy in life – diversity in its element!
Hi Christina. You strongly disagree huh? Ok.
I could reply to your comment in some detail but we might end up going around in circles and boring everyone – so I won’t. I actually agree with nearly everything you said but as you pointed out, most of it wasn’t specific to this post. Nonetheless, interesting and passionate.
Thanks
Craig this post sounds like it is CJ writing ?
AWESOME article Mr Harper. So often you seem to deliver exactly what I need to hear. Are you magic? xx
My husband needs to read this. But he won’t. Oh well… Funny thing, we experience mostly the same things together, at the same time. But I don’t tend to bitch about “luck”, “fairness”, or ask why “this always happens to me”? He does and it drives me nuts.
My best friend lost her husband and her sister in a car crash when her daughter was 9 weeks old. Over the past 20 years, I’ve never once heard her complain about unfairness. She’s just lived her life, taught her child good values, gone out and enjoyed herself, worked hard to pay for what she needs, and savoured every moment. Of course it’s unfair, but life goes on and you have to make it the best life you can.
Indeed. Just like how some people say “Awww, you’re so lucky, I wish I could [insert whatever here].”
Apparently “I worked hard and am still busting my ass off to create opportunities that led me here and will hopefully get me where I want to be. That, and I try not to be an asshole, which means people are occasionally willing to help me obtain my goals” isn’t what they want to hear. ;P
Like you said, it’s all down to labels and how you view the situation/world etc. S’not always “polite” to say so though I guess.
Which is why your posts are great! ^^)b
Everyone doesn’t start in the same place which could be considered unfair and it is.
But complaining about it won’t change that situation.
People from all walks of life have changed their fortune and become very successful.
If a situation feels unfair you have 2 choices, give up or work to change it.
Whatever you choose, you have to live with it.
I don’t think it’s unfair that people start at different places. That’s just the way it is. Each of us is born within the context of a social system that has been created by decisions made by our ancestors.
Those who believe in reincarnation will argue that each of us is born with karma that we have created based on decisions we made during previous incarnations.
I agree that perceived unfairness is a relative concept formed by comparing one person with another. It undermines one’s uniqueness, inner strength and beauty. Everything comes back to subjective values.
I often define my actions on what is “fair” in a given situation.It is easy to confuse this notion about actions and behaviour with life itself. I want to be fair, and be treated fairly. This is a concent restricted to people and not life.
It is similar to concepts such as “getting what you deserved”. Does a person who has lived a healthy life deserve to get Cancer? No. What about a person who has been a smoker?
Fairness is a value judgement, not a concrete absolute. There is nothing wrong with people wanting to be treated fairly by others but once they start alleging that life itself is not fair, what is the point?
Craig you are spot on everytime. Love the real story, that you tell, the story that is everyones. Keep up this great exchange.
First thing, I agree. Bananas are NOT fair. How can my favorite fruit be $12.98 per kilo!?
Second thing, I agree with Lisa, when I broke my wrist (badly) at a shopping centre a friend of mine actually told me I was LUCKY because eventually I might receive some compensation! and that when ever something not-so-great happens to her, well she is so unlucky that she would never be compensated! Good Grief!! (LOL there’s a Craigism)
Thanks Craig. Another inspiring post.
I love that statement: ‘Life is not in charge of your destiny, your future or your outcomes. You are.’
I remember a line from a psychiatrist on an American sitcom saying ‘Fair is a place where hogs win ribbons’ and I feel that sums it up.
As you observed, a great deal of energy is wasted railing against perceived unfairness, when that same energy could be harnessed to make life the brilliant experience we want it to be!
Hi Craig,
Life is what you make of it. Fair or unfair, you choose to do your best or not,
Be good to yourself
David
I have taught my children (the baby is 21 this year) that life is what you make it – every single day I hear people complain about their life, their job, their paths, their lack of choices and yes their partners. And, I sit there and think to myself – surely you are in control of your own life. Life is what you make it. Not many of us live unscathed by the bad things. My story is as bad as some and yet I am a give you the shits kinda person cause I am 97% of the time positive (3% downtime to remind myself life is what I make it) life is a journey and still have a long journey ahead of me. I have had good, bad, ugly and sad but only I can make the decision on how I feel – no matter what happens in my life – and if I am silly enough to give other people permission to make me feel good, bad, ugly and sad then I just have to pull my shit together myself. I understand not everyone is the same – but life is for living no surviving and the choices we make can help us survive to live.
Rock on Craig
Reality -It is what it is…all we can do collectively or individually if we have a beef..or three is dispense with the bla…and jump in and DO.
.. change your/our corner of the world.. People like gorgeous Issy make that as clear as crystal… I agree with Christina (first post) so many examples of unfairness you could you crazy thinking about them… I have a real beef with the treatment of indig people in this country..too… so I got off my arse, gave three years in one horse town…nearly got arrested many times… for being “an aboriginal lover” but I did what I set out to do… this ain’t the American south in the 60′s ..only a wee few years ago….but racist shit at un precedented level it all still exists… now a lot of people I know talk about the indig questions having never met an indigenous person. yep..true…and extraordinary…when I left this town…driving down the main drag…not knowing if I had made a difference..and with the smell of sheep shit filling my lungs…. I noticed on the side of the road one of the Aboriginal elders standing there waiting for my car to pass…and as I did… his arm went up high above his head…and he made a fist..and held his arm there until I was out of sight….a sign of respect…ahhh..still makes me cry just thinking about it……. I got my answer…
Love yous all… xxx ( thanks Mr. Fenech)
We humans have two major flaws – we whine and we judge. If we could delete these flaws how different would life be for all living things on the blue dot. The things we say we value fairness, honesty, truth, justice and equality are the very things we whine about most and practice least. Life is an opportunity to travel through a relatively short space in time and create our journey. Good, bad or indifferent will be influenced by many things so we can control many that we cannot. Ultimately our experience can benefit ourselves,mankind and other life forms or we can waste the opportunity.
I woke up today in the morning , whining and bitching about how unfairly I have been treated by “Life” . I was in a foul mood ; and the fact that today was a Monday did not make my mood any better. I come to office and the first thing I come across is …. your post
…what a coincidence… !
Maybe that was nature’s way of asking me to look ahead , stop whining/judging and telling me gently – “Shit happens”..stop cribbing and do something…if you can’t do something , then endure it till you can do something..
Thanks a lot Craig …
KM – from India
I have been a bit down lately and this is a post that I needed. I heard once before that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do about it!
Our lives mean whatever we decide they mean…
Very powerful statement – will remember this one!
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