About a hundred years ago when I was a young, fresh trainer (hard to believe I know) I had a meeting with a lady and her morbidly obese thirteen year-old son to talk about some training for him. The kid was about 160cm (five foot four) and 100kg (220lbs). In the first two minutes of our meeting the mother informed me that Junior was not in fact fat, but a big boned boy carrying ‘a little’ weight. At that point I asked Junior to let Mum (Mom) and I have a private chat. He left the room and the ensuing conversation went something like this:
CH: “Mrs _______ unless that big, soft lump spilling over the top of your son’s pants is a bone, I’m pretty certain he’s fat; really fat.”
Mum: (sporting a look of disbelief) “Sure he has a little puppy fat, but that’s mostly his large frame.”
CH: “No, it’s not his frame; he’s morbidly obese.”
Mum: “I find that offensive.”
CH: “I find it honest.”
Mum: “What are you saying?”
CH: “I’m saying your son is not carrying a little puppy fat, I’m saying he’s dangerously obese and you don’t want to acknowledge that. I’m not trying to offend you, I’m giving you honest, accurate feedback and advice.”
Mum: “I don’t think you’re taking into account his stocky body type.”
We went back and forth for a few minutes but she wasn’t remotely interested in the reality of the situation. She had created a story in her head which allowed her to feel more comfortable about the fact that she had a teenage son who weighed more than most adults; a child that she had enabled to be morbidly obese. She didn’t like my version of the story. And I don’t think she liked me. I get that a bit. She left and continued her search for “someone who would understand her son’s situation.” Clearly I didn’t understand her big boned boy.
It is What it is.
I have been working with obese people for twenty seven years. On all levels; emotionally, psychologically, physically and practically. There’s nothing I haven’t seen or heard when it comes to the issue of fat people. I’ve even been a fat people (er, person). So I get it, not only theoretically, but experientially too. I understand how tough it is (on all levels) to lose weight and maintain results over an extended period of time. I know it hurts to be fat. Been there. I also know that many insensitive and uncaring people misuse and abuse the word fat in an attempt to hurt others and create some kind of negative outcome. We all know that idiots who taunt or insult obese people for entertainment need a smack in the head but… at the other end of the scale we have another group who are so politically correct, misguided and occasionally deluded that they consider the use of words like fat and obese to be unwarranted and potentially dangerous under any circumstances.
What Fat Isn’t.
By the way, for the purpose of this article, the term fat is not an insult; it’s a physiological state. But even having made that clear, I know that some people will get offended because that’s what they do; they find a reason to complain rather than a reason to change. They want attention and sympathy, not a solution. After all, the solution to obesity involves discipline, self-control and hard work; not high on some people’s list. If there’s a way to get hurt, defensive or angry some people will find it no matter what. And then milk the crap out of it.
You can get mad at me or you can change your body. Your choice.
In a futile attempt to keep everyone’s feelings intact, we have integrated terms like big boned, full figured, stocky, thick set, voluptuous, puppy fat and solid into our vocabulary. “Hmm, he’s a solid lad isn’t he.”
Nope, he’s fat.
But What About Their Arteries?
I’m confused as to why we (the society) seem to be so concerned with, and vocal about, people’s emotional welfare (surrounding their obesity) but not nearly as concerned with, or vocal about, their fat bodies and the potential physical consequences of that obesity. It’s like, “whatever you do, don’t hurt their feelings… sure they might be heading towards heart disease, diabetes, respiratory issues, back problems and a range of related conditions but if you must talk to them about ‘you-know-what’ (shhh), please don’t mention the ‘F’ word. Call it something else.”
When I was a fat teenager, I was f-a-t. Not solid. Not big boned. Not stocky. No, I was morbidly obese. Large. Huge. Whopping. I ate too much and moved too little and the result was one very fat kid. Sure, I could try to make this story sound slightly less confronting and possibly more reader friendly, but do I really need to? Why must we avoid stating the obvious? The truth. The practical reality of our fat culture and population.
A Little Short Term Pain for Some Long Term Gain
I’m not for one moment suggesting that any of us should be insensitive or uncaring when dealing with people who are battling obesity, neither am I saying that creating real change is not a tough, emotional and at times, painful process. I know it is and I am mindful of this when I talk to people. I care about people’s feelings very much but I care about their physical health more. I would rather hurt someone’s feelings for five minutes if there’s a chance it might lead to a longer, healthier, happier life. Of course my preferred option would be to not offend them at all and get them in shape physically. For years I struggled with my body but it wasn’t until I stopped the pity party, ditched the destructive behaviours, changed my mindset, de-emotionalised the process (as best I could) and got very practical and honest about my fat self that things started to turn around.
We can continue to make obesity an emotional soap opera or we can roll up our sleeves, step into reality, make some tough decisions, be honest and practical… and then do what needs to be done to create a healthier population.
Or we can continue being big-boned and full-figured.
Ciao x
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Craig,
My name is Michelle and I am morbidly obese!!!(yes I can admit it) Ok well you’ve met me you know that! I am doing something about that and have come a long way so far and have already made huge improvements to my health. I got my blood test results following a glucose tolerance test and all is really good. Even my Bp was good…ok I am on meds for that but was the best it has been in a long time!
I am only annoyed that I took so long to make the decision to lose weight and it took a diabetes scare to do it. Maybe if I had met you a couple of years ago you could have told me ….. but then again was my head in the right place to listen to you? Though I must say I have never considered myself big boned or any of the other terms you used…always overweight.
Great post as usual Craig….the good thing (?) is you have been there done that and are talking from experience so you know what you are talking about.
Hugs
Michelle xx
I’m currently on clinical prac with NSW Ambulance. One of our jobs today was an indigenous male having a hypoglycaemic episode. What a wake up call! Craig, remember that ‘how to get fat’ article you wrote recently and my comment about limb amputation? Well this guy was in a bad way. He had renal failure and had a fistula in his right arm (for his renal dialysis), and his left leg was amputated at the knee (no doubt from poor diabetes management). My two ambos couldn’t get an IV line (a drip) in to give him dextrose, and the Emergency Dr’s at the hospital couldn’t even find a damn vein with aid of ultrasound! (They went for a central line as a last resort- but they really didn’t want to have to). He was mega shut down. This is the sad reality of NOT being in control of the things we CAN and should be able to control.
We really are addicted to pleasure hey. De-emotionalise the process of eating. Food is for energy and recovery from exercise.
Jules
Hear hear, couldn’t agree more. Wish we were all more honest about many things, political correctness and mamby pambying for the sake of feelings drives me to dispare at times. Sometimes I wish we could all maintain that child like honesty.
I would rather hurt someone’s feelings for five minutes if there’s a chance it might lead to a longer, healthier, happier life. Yep I would rather you hurt my feelings and helped me than left me to suffer the long term consequences of being fat.
cheers Kate
Craig,
How many times does something have to occur before it can be labelled a pattern? I’ve only been around a week or so, but this is the second Wednesday in a row (at least) that you have put your foot squarely in our (metaphoric) asses. Is there something (or someone) that you encounter on Tuesdays that bugs you? Or do you just save that “I’m-all-out-of-patience-and-nicety” pill to have with dinner on Tuesday night?
No complaints from me though. I like it straight down the line. As we’re taught in karate, “if it’s going to be, it’s up to me” .. along with the occasional “suck it up, precious!”. Excellent advice, methinks.
Cheers,
Sue
Like you mentioned being offensive just for the sake of being offensive is not going to help anyone.
With that in mind sometimes being offensive is one of the only methods that offers a glimmer of hope for the possibly knocking someone out of a self-destructive routine.
The saddest part of that story is that it seems like the mother’s denial of her son’s condition is standing in the way of his condition improving.
It’s been a while between comments … This mother is not in denial about her daughter, just lost as to how to tackle the issue without causing long term psychological damage. She is 10 and her body follows her father’s rather than mine. I have never struggled with being fat, so do not have experience to work from. I know the basics – eat balanced, eat less and get active. And I know how for myself, but what about the nutritional needs of kids? Any tips anyone??? I want her to love life, be confident and of course, be healthy!!!
But Craig, this has triggered me … at her age (10) I have to take responsibility for her.
Craig I have been receiving your blogs now for probably nearly a year and everyday I look forward to hearing my “You’ve Got Mail” ping on my Inbox and seeing an email from the “Motivational Speaker” The blogs that you are writing these days are fantastic. For me and probably many others they hit a nerve. They are in your face, they are honest, they make me hurt, they make me cry, they make me laugh. Most of all they make me sit back and think and think really hard. I have been following a program called the Gabriel Method for over two months now. Okay it is doing good things…kind of…., but there is just something about you Craig, that really gets under my skin. You really keep in touch with the people. One thing we don’t get from The Gabriel Method. There is a mother whose son swims in my kids class swimming class every week. He is morbidly obese. He would be no more than 7-8yrs old. But that doesn’t stop his mother giving him a chocolate bar, a can of coke and a bag of chips after every swimming lesson. I can see the horrified looks of other parents when she does it every week. I have to admit I did it too. Your story today made me think of this mum.
Keep sending through the honest blogs Craig. They help keep all of honest and true to ourselves even if we don’t want to.
Hey Craig, I wonder what happened to that poor kid? Hope he’s still alive.
Like Michelle (Hi Michelle – good work girl keep it up!) I can say that I’m fat. Took me a bloody long time though. I do have hormone probs and I guess I had to truly accept the fat fact before I could do something about it. I very nearly gave up trying until I finally found a program that is actually working for me. 9kgs less later I’m really excited to think that I might one day be a ‘normal’ size and be able to manage my weight for the long term. For me – that’s serious excitement!
I mentioned this to a long time friend once who always complains to me that she wants to lose weight and she can’t. Well – what a bollocking I got for being offensive and bringing her down and that it was hard enough to maintain self esteem without people saying things like that. Huh? I thought I was being helpful but perhaps not. Later she told me she couldn’t do it because she wasn’t disciplined like me (remember that bit?)cos, you know… discipline always gets you a body like mine – NOT!!!
I think unfortunately we associate weight and body size with personal worth – you know, fat = bad person, skinny = good person when it has no reflection on a persons worth at all. If we acknowledge we’re fat are we actually saying we’re bad people? Maybe Mum thought that if she acknowledged her son was huge, it meant that not only is her son bad but she could be too?
Jules – You have to wonder if people really knew what was in store for them, whether that would make them think twice? Here – choose that soft drink or choose to have your leg chopped off? Dya reckon that might work?
Thanks for the great article Craig.
Brillant article Craig, it stirred my own emotions reading it; you know that passionate side of me and my career! I wish I could print this in every major newspaper in the world for all to read….Can YOU do that?
Keep Smiling
Fi
Love the line “they want attention and sympathy, not a solution”. I used to listen to people carry on with their crap and be really concerned for them and try and offer up some solutions, but there was always reasons why they could’nt do things. Notice I said used to listen because I have better things to do with my time and I think it would be less painful to go and bash my head against a brick wall (not that I have actually tried that) than feed thier addiction for attention and sympathy.
Ginny
You’re on your way now Michelle… x
Cheers kate – thanks for dropping by… ( )
That’s what happens Sue after having the same conversations about the same issues and hearing the same BS for nearly thirty years…
( )
Too busy (right now) to do the tips thing Karen but you know the drill… look after her!
Cheers ( )
Glad I get under your skin Jackie… kind of like an infection.
( )
You’re welcome Kat – good work by you. ( )
I’m hearin’ ya Ginny.. ( )
Hi Craig
Great post. It took me to get to rock bottom before I realised that I would be dead in 5 years without drastic action, but as you know your head has to be in the right place to get you to action. I have no trouble with the fat word – that is what I am! I am now 60kg lighter and no longer obese – 16kg to get to the normal BMI range. I am no longer on insulin for diabetes and will stop all medication by the time I get to goal weight in 3-4 months. I now love exercise and found an incredible local gym that is not for ‘gym people’ and spend 5 hours a week at the gym and I love my new bike which I ride for about 50km a week – for fun. There are a lot of people in their 70’s and 80’s at my gym and they are my inspiration as they are happy, fit and very active. Exercise is now just part of my life and I feel great. I love your saying about ‘nothing tastes as good a being in shape feels’ – I am a tragic and have this saying on my fridge! Food is no longer a big part of my life – something about eating to live and not the other way around.
I get very upset when I see fat parents with their fat kids at the supermarket and they trolley is just full of junk. I can’t understand people subjecting their kids to the same problems that they have, when even on a tight budget, good food is available.
The other thing that is concerning is that fat is becoming the new norm. Many people tell me that I shouldn’t lose any more weight. Although I am tall, I am still in the overweight BMI range and really need to lose more! Our body image is sadly changing, so that fat is a new normal.
Cheers
Karen
Hi Craig,
This issue is really important particually with kids. I am a grade 6 teacher and I have a few students overweight and one that is morbidly obese (don’t know exact weight but looks to be over 85kg+ with a height of 160cm). I try to make sure that we do fitness everyday and encourage the whole class to make healthier food choices for play lunch and lunch.
I really worry about this student. He is a wonderful boy, but I am literally scared for his life and future.
He comes from a family of obesity, he recently told me his 24 year old sister had lap ban surgery.
I honestly want the best for him, but I don’t know what I can do apart from sharing my weightloss success and fitness success with him and my class(recently started making better food choices and exercising and have lost over 8kg in 6 weeks and have managed to jog continuously for 25 mins on the treadmill – my world record!)
I feel parents have a major responsibility to provide their children with healthy food. The junk that students eat just astounds me sometimes – crisps for breakfast, doughnut for playlunch…
Your advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Craig,
This blog put me in mind of a couple of years ago. I had not long been treated for thyroid cancer and had been warned about checking for any lumps on my body which could be reacurring cancer (this is a happy story I promise!),anyway I had found a distinct lump on my side and was absolutely terrified. I made an urgent appointment with my oncologist and he diagnosed it as …a rib! That’s right I had lost weight and my ribs had appeared where before they were covered in fat. I told him I would come back for another check up when my hips became visible!!
I had never thought of myself as overweight before this but clearly….
Nice work…
Hi Craig,
When you said “some short term pain for some long term gain,” I couldn’t agree more.
I have, at some point in my life, been called fat because, well, I was fat. I wasn’t always that way but in my early 20s, I became an emotional eater. It wasn’t until someone actually called me the F word that I realized what I had become. And it wasn’t just once that I was called fat. That hurt. A lot.
But I remember that that comment was what got me moving to get myself out of that cycle of overeating when I was sad or very happy.
I’m glad someone called me fat.