Now, before anyone gets offended by the following article, I will point out (for those newer readers who may not know me so well) that it was written with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. Having said that, you will also find plenty of insight, honesty and truth if you look past the sarcasm. Maybe a lesson or two. After you read it, you may want to print it off and pass it on to someone for whom it may be relevant. And then run away. 
We Aussies are very good at obesity aren’t we? Just take a look around. Yep, we’ve pretty much mastered the fat thing. Sure we have plenty of worthy competitors in the International Obesity Olympics, but we are rapidly climbing towards that gold medal position on that industrial strength medal podium. Go us. Sure our fat American and British friends have achieved some spectacular results with their own gigantic bodies, but when we Australians set our mind to something, watch out. We have the fastest growing rate of obesity of any country in the world. Who said we’re not high-achievers? Or should I say, fat-achievers. Being that there are so many of us who seem determined to embrace obesity as a lifestyle option, and keeping in mind that I’ve spent decades working with the obese (including my fat self), I thought it might be appropriate for me to write an instructional of sorts for all those wanna-be fatties; the Fat Warriors. Okay, pens poised, learning caps on.
A Lesson in Obesity:
1. Start early. If you want to create a huge adult, it’s important to start early by creating a huge kid. Bribing, rewarding and pacifying your children with food is always a very effective strategy for building a big, fat family. As much as possible, expose those little tackers to fast food early on so that an emotional connection is made before they can understand what’s happening to their arteries. Eat at shopping centres as much as possible and get them addicted to sugar before their second birthday. Also ensure that they have pictures of Ronald McDonald in their room and that they celebrate every birthday at the Golden Arches.
2. Be paranoid and neurotic about your kids playing sport. We all know that exercise is a high-risk activity for children and as a rule, should be avoided. There’s the ever-present danger of injury and of course, we wouldn’t want to put our kids in harm’s way; we all know how many kids die each day playing chasey in the school yard. Thousands. Fortunately for us, many Australian schools seem determined to drop sport from their curriculums in the near future so this should help the obesity cause along nicely. Keep in mind that every wanna-be fat kid should have a television and a computer in their bedroom, so as not to be tempted into some kind of physical activity by some of their thinner (wayward) friends. Of course things like skateboards and bikes are a definite no-no for the wanna-be fatty; far too dangerous and expend way too many calories.
3. Ignore the signals. Our body has an annoying ability to send us a message that says “hey, you’ve had enough food, stop eating now”. What a pain in the ass that can be. When obesity is your mission, this signal can be something of an inconvenience. Fortunately for us, we have an over-ride switch in our brain and with discipline and focus we can flick that switch, ignore those physical signals and keep eating way more than we physically need. With training, we can learn to ignore those ‘full’ feelings with little or no effort. If you want to stand out in the obesity Olympics, then being able to eat through that mild discomfort is paramount. When you think you can’t eat any more, stop for a second, remember your goal, visualise your fattest self, unbutton your pants and keep going. You can do it.
4. Don’t use logic. Some of the do-gooder, anti-fat brigade will do their best to sabotage your obesity mission by trying to bring logic and common sense into the picture. Dirty tactics I say. They may even try to convince you that how you eat is destructive and will shorten your life span. Ignore their research, their stats and their alleged good intentions; they clearly don’t understand the joy of food and they are simply trying to make your life miserable. As much as possible, turn the tables and criticise them for something. Preferably, a physical feature. Their nose perhaps. Be emotional, be reactive, turn nasty if you need to, but don’t let yourself get involved in a logical discussion with them. That’s how weight loss always starts. That’s their plan to woo you away from obesity. It’s evil. They’re evil.
5. Preserve energy at all costs. Calorie expenditure is the natural enemy of the Fat Warrior. If you have to move, do it slowly and infrequently but keep in mind that your preferred positions are lying and sitting. Fortunately many Australians now spend between twenty two and twenty three hours per day in those two positions, so we’re well on our way.
6. Lie. Telling the truth about your eating and exercise habits will only draw criticism and engage you in discussions that you don’t want to have, so lying is always your best option. Not everyone will understand the mission of the Fat Warrior so you need to be cunning like a fox. A fat fox. Some of history’s most successful people have been incredible liars. “I did not have sex with that woman.” Honesty only gets in the way of potential. Avoid it. The totally committed and delusional liar will fib to everyone, even themselves.
7. Hypochondria. It’s always a good idea for the Fat Warrior to create a fictitious medical condition or injury that will (1) genetically pre-dispose them to obesity – always great to be able to say it’s a genetic thing, and (2) preclude them from any form of sport or physical activity; “I’d love to play tennis with you Sally but I ruptured my Adductor Longus muscle at speed skating practice last Tuesday.” The professional hypochondriac should carry an asthma pump, a crutch, a sling, a neck brace and a medical dictionary in their bag of tricks.
8. Ignorance. Education is another notable adversary of the Fat Warrior. They don’t say that ignorance is bliss for no reason. Fortunately, the current overload of obesity-related education seems to be having no impact whatsoever; we’re still getting fatter by the day. Phew.
9. Join a gym but actually don’t go. Eighty five percent of Aussies have mastered this skill. That’s right; only fifteen percent of current gym members in Australia actually work out at the gym that they are a member of and many people actually see out less than six weeks of their twelve month membership! For the Fat Warrior it’s always handy to be able to say “Yeah, I have a gym membership at….”. Always have your gym membership card handy for proof.
10. Finger pointing. A True Fat Warrior must be an expert at avoiding responsibility and to be frank, making shit up (see point six). The only game they should typically play is the blame game and fortunately, that burns very few calories. However, it can get the most hard-core, goody-two-shoes, health freak off your back for at least a day or so. Two very important weapons in the Fat Warrior’s arsenal are the excuse and the allegation. Always be ready to rationalise, justify, explain, deny and blame. And remember, your best defense is always attack.
Well, I hope that little slice of inspiration helps.
One way or another.
If you have any tips for getting fat and staying that way, feel free to add to the discussion or just click on the comment thingy and say hi.
Ciao x
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{ 73 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Craig,
My tip is to never eat any fruit or vegetables and don’t drink water. They have all these annoying “health” benefits and they fill you up so you don’t have room for the second and third high fat, high sugar dessert. Water can easily be replaced with fizzy drinks full of sugar and HFCS and these babies pack the calories on your lardy arse quicker than you can say Fatty Boom Bah!
As always, love your work Craig!
Hugs,
Jo
Hi Craig,
It took a while for me to read this because I was laughing so much I was almost in tears! Thanks that was so funny!!!!
What about being driven everywhere because walking could burn off some of those hard earned kjs/cals…can’t have that now can we???
Hi Jo, loved your tip!!!
Thanks Craig for making me laugh I needed it. (Ooh may have burned a kj or two…I won’t make that Olympic Team!
Hugs
Michelle xx
Hi Jo
Nice tips!
You good?
( )
Hi Michelle
Yep, keep walking to a minimum unless it’s to the pantry.
( )
Always PLAN to start you’re lifestyle change,(better word than diet ‘tomorrow’! You know you will, you know once in the healthy ‘groove’ all will be good. That’s the ‘intention’ but lets enjoy ONE last day of stuffing ourselves to the brim with various icecream flavours, gelato, ‘shitlato’, caramel topping, thick smoothies, a couple of blocks of diff flavoured fav choc, then the potato wedges, pizza and thick hard cheese and wine to end it all…………and start tomorrow.
THEN one wakes up feeling………..groggy, demotivated, still overfull, have a horrid ‘sweet pit’ in stomach and puts the getting in shape idea off till ‘next Monday’, and so on till one plops dead with good intention but no lasting action.
To all comfort eaters/yoyo dieters……..STOP it if you are sure you want to achieve more than this!
Pip
OK… my hubby has mastered the art of shoving half a dozen lollies (preferably of the jelly baby type texture, raspberries, fruit gums etc) in his gob at once, and practically swallowing them whole so as to avoid tasting them (what do we eat lollies for anyway ?) thereby necessitating the consumption of at least half a bag in the one sitting, to achieve the desired effect… which is, of course, retaining that excess weight he’s grown so attached to. Does he qualify ??!!
{{HUGS}} Tina
How about spend lots of money and time going on all sorts of different diets and getting advice from lots of different people so that you have the excuse that you have tried “everything”. This gives more cred to the “fact” that you are just genetically supposed to be fat.
The sad part is I know I am guilty of over half of these things
Time to start working on that!
um i’m skinniest in my…
And don’t forget to spend twenty minutes (and 10 litres of petrol) driving around and around the shopping centre to get a parking space 10 metres closer to the door.
You must have been reading my mind last night, Craig. I did a blog post on people in writing classes and their reasons/justifications for not writing!
Sherryl
http://www.sherrylclark.blogspot.com/
Yes Pip… Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow?
( )
But Tina… Lollies have no fat – aren’t they healthy?
( )
Isn’t that why we have cars Sherryl?
( )
Oh Craig, you are so funny,
You also must always make sure that you eat your children’s leftovers and anybody elses that has dared not to lick their plate clean.
Also eat as much as you can as late as you can so that your body can have the fuel for some really great snoring throughout the night.
Go Aussies go!
Dee
I’m impressed, Craig. But you left out some real important stuff.
Fluid intake: Forget the weight in kilograms divided by 20 = how many litres of WATER you should have DAILY. Have the equivalent volume in a combo of caffeine, alcohol and regular (never opting for diet or zero sugar) soft drink.
Incidental exercise: Whenever you have the opportunity to take the lift or the escalator, take it. Never walk more than you need to. If you live a 5 min walk away from the nearest milk bar, jump in the car and drive there and buy that family size block of chocolate or ice cream or 2L bottle of coke!
Personal training: All the gyms advertise that personal training is the fastest and most efficient way to achieve your goals. Without further delay, rock up on the doorstep of your gym (that you have a prepaid *24 month* membership at because you are that committed) and approach the head personal trainer. Say, with confidence: ‘I want to gain weight- please tell me what I can do to achieve my goal in the shortest amount of time.’ Ensure they know you are 110% committed and if they say they can’t help you, keep asking all the other trainers until someone will. Transfer gyms, move interstate or even overseas if you have to. Surely someone will be willing and able to help?
Health checks: Visit your doctor only for prescription repeats. When you’re on a concoction of two dozen different medications including antihypertensives, oral hypoglycaemics (later to be put on injectable insulin), cardiac (heart) drugs galore, antidiuretics, blood-thinners ignore all advice from the doctor and dietician and the exercise physiologist that you see all as part of the federal governments GP Extended Care Plan (that’s right- go ahead and waste as much of tax payers money as you can). After all you know what you’re doing, its working and you’re happy. Jump at the chance to have a quadruple coronary artery bypass graft (using MORE public money in the PUBLIC hospital system) and when you need internal pacemakers and defibrillator inserted jump at that too.
What is the last straw? What will be the MASSIVE ‘wake-up’ call? When both your lower limbs (aka, legs) need to be amputated because of feral gangrene because of YOUR failure to manage YOUR diabetes? It’s now totally over to you.
What a great way to start the day.
“I’ve just got to go and eat everything in my fridge and pantry so I don’t waste it before I start my diet.”
This is what I’m told by soooooooo many people that it makes my head spin.
Loved all the comments today as well.
()
Suu
haha that’s funny craig. I really like that. If there was a fat olympics i would have 100 gold medals by now.
Don’t forget that secret binge eating doesn’t count towards your daily calorie intake. If noone saw you eating it than it doesn’t count. And pushing yourself away from the kitchen table does count as a pushup and don’t let anyone tell you different.
When i was a kid we used to go to macca’s maybe once every 6-8 weeks. I had a skinny cousin who did nothing but run around and eat junk food and just loved macca’s. She loved it so much she almost used to hyperventilate whenever we got near the golden arches. She used to say that when she grew up she wanted to marry ronald macdonald. Now she’s in her 30′s still eats heaps of junk food, sits on her butt watching tv yet isn’t overweight. I know lots of skinny/normal looking people like this and here i am sweating my butt off 8hrs a week eating frickin saw dust to shift the belly fat. But i’m not mad at them, really i’m not. I used to be though but now i just think well in a couple of weeks time i’ll be onto doing proper ‘manly’ pushups instead of the whimpy girly ones while these skinny friends of mine would pass out if they ever had to lift anything heavier than a remote control.
Ange
Nice tips Dee… thanks ( )
Hi Jules – did you really need to include that last sentence? I feel queezy! ( )
I wanna see a video of one of those ‘manly’ push-ups Ange… ( )
Hey Craig, I’m obviously missing something….where’s the sarcasm???
LOL
I know this was “tongue in cheek” but for some it’s more than being a warrior of weight, for some it’s a slow suicide. I know anyone who’s obese is killing themselves but I’m talking actually thinking of it as a means to an end, literally.
My mum who has been suicidal more times than I can count actually uses her weight (and diabetes) and smoking as methods of slowly killing herself, nasty hey?
I was headed down the same path and unfortunately got to 114kgs before I was old enough to realise why she was doing what she was doing and that that really didn’t suit me. I’m heading back under 100kgs and still working on it, I don’t want to get diabetes or any of the other nasties that comes with obesity, I am living a healthy life now and showing my daughter how to do the same so that she doesn’t think that what I grew up with is how it should be.
I thank you very very much because almost all of what you wrote and some of what the other comments have said used to be me. I didn’t understand that what I was doing was an intentional thing, but reading that today has shown me just how much I have changed, just how much I am intentionally doing the exact opposite.
Cheers CJ
()
Here are a couple of more tips – after much laughing on my part.
Go on a quest to eat a “Quad Stack Burger” from every Hungry Jacks in your city. Then complain to Hungry Jacks’ management if they aren’t all consistently greasy – that way you might score some freebies.
Always go the ends of the supermarket aisles, so you can stock up on biscuits, chips, chocolates, lollies and soft drinks when they are on special. This way you get value for your grocery dollars – and isn’t that needed in these tough economic times.
Drink plenty of “Vitamin Water”, it’s water and it has vitamins so it must be better and healthier than regular water (don’t worry that it’s sugar content is roughly 2/3rds of Coca Cola).
@Jules – I’d throw diet and zero sugar soft drinks in with your fluid intake guidelines – artificial sweetners aren’t as beneficial that they are made out to be.
Cheers
Well no, I didn’t HAVE to include that last bit. Sorry Craig. I hope that didn’t put you off your lunch! But seriously, that happens. People let that happen. If you don’t want it to happen to you, take action TODAY, now. Tomorrow might be too late (if tomorrow ever comes).
I just had another idea. You know how on cigarette packets there are graphic images of various lung conditions and yellow teeth and what not (I’m actually not sure, I’m just going by the tv compaign- I have NEVER, EVER smoked – not even a single puff, seriously! Does that make ME sound mega weird??). Can you imagine such images on a block of cadbury’s chocolate or on a burger from the Golden Arches? With an associated line such as: “consumption of a high fat/sugar diet has serious health risks”. I doubt all the cigarette companies found themselves suddenly out of business.
Jules
If you want to get scientific about it one highly effective method is to find a table telling you how many kilojoules you should consume (obviously use the ‘highly-active’ category – you are a gym member after all) then divide it by three to get an average meal size.
Now eat the equivalent of six of these a day. Three of them are snacks so they don’t count so it’s ok.
Alternatively, if you want to become truely horizontally gifted but have a tendency to feel guilty about it, simply eat one healthy meal a day. This gives you justification for rewarding yourself with all remaining meals (and snacks) being served out of a drive-thru window.
Marty
Nice one Craig. A very good guide to how to get fat haha. Great post!
Cheers
Vincent
Personal Development Blogger
Well done CJ – keep up the great work ( )
All sound(!) advice Ben…
Cheers
“Can you imagine such images on a block of cadbury’s chocolate or on a burger from the Golden Arches? With an associated line such as: consumption of a high fat/sugar diet has serious health risks”.
Ain’t gonna happen Jules….
( )
Snacks aren’t meals are they Marty?
They are calorie-less aren’t they?
Cheers
Thanks Vincent… cheers
i wanna get fat im tired of being skinny big time…pls help me to get a little fat…
Thanks for the tips Craig. Finally a sure-fire way to become a Fat Warrior
Deb.
graig please help meeh to get fat…cus honestly im tired of being skinny…i dont wanna be really fat only like a little fatness in meeh…
Like you, I can’t stand to see small children being fed junk. But what can you do!
Les.
This is awesome. No where do you see people blaming other people or circumstances for their problems than with obesity.
It is hard to stay thin. Our bodies are designed to save up food because having an abundance of food constantly is abnormal. But renovating your life is all about doing hard things like not eating. Life isn’t supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to be a challenging adventure.
You can actually stay thin and eat all the time. Eat salad, nuts, legumes, fruit, and other goodies. Don’t eat meat 21 times a week. Drink water, not soda.
At the very least, stop blaming others. Say “I’m fat because I choose to be fat.” That’s a huge step in the right direction.
So true, so true. Loving the reverse approach to advice! I find that the holiday season is a biggie for reminding readers to stick with extra alcohol, no gym-time, and plenty of late party nights. Or, of course, you could just do the opposite and stick with what you’ve spent the entire year achieving, and hey, maybe even move forward!
Thanks Craig!
I’ve added your blog to my own, http://www.shinewellbeing.com.au
A great sarcastic article that will hopefully wake some people up!
Lauren
;D
i want to be fat, but i only have a little blurp.
lol, thanks for the tips, IOU.
signed
Fat Dude
Hi Craig,
If your a kid whats the best path to take, im a 14 year old, please tell.
i,m sorry i want to be fat and thers alot of us out there
One of the surest ways to gain weight (I’ve done it), is venture onto a fat-admirer website, hang out, talk about the joys of obesity…before long you will find yourself believing that “fat is fun and fantabulous.”
Thankfully, I had a lovely heart-scare that got me out of that mindset and I’ve dropped about 10 lbs since Christmas! Yay
i was 853 and gained 23 lbs! i am so fat that i can’t even touch my belly button!
It’s funny
D
I wanna get a little fat. My sis want’s to be skinny. But i wanna be a little fat. Just like my old female cat,Fatty. We called her that cause she’s soooo fat. I called her “Grandma” cause she’s old. even in my Diary. Hehe
Anyway, thanks for the explanation about how to get fat. I will use this when ever i wanted to. Nice comment-ing!! Haha
Hi im Jo Jo im 100 pounds and 45 and i want to be fat. I have blonde hair and im awsome! I CAN’T WAIT TO Use your helpful list of how to get fat. Woot Woot i love fattness..or you maybe are in denile.. Are you FAT? im not….yet
I am 593 lbs and i want to reach 900 lbs! I can eat 3 turkeys because my belly is the fattest part of my body. One time i put the scale on the table and i let my belly on it the scale read over 200 lbs! My biggest meal ever i are until my stomach hurts were: 2 and a half turkeys, 1 large pizza with 8 toppings, 7 doughnuts, 2 burritos and one quart of 2 cans of coke. After that meal, i went to sleep and gained like heck!
one time i ate so much my shirt popped up and showed my belly.
Thanks for the article on how to be fat I am so skinny and am tired of being called a shrimp,I am going to get fat and call the person that called me a shrimp a shrimp
i am not 876 lbs anymore, i have gained weight and have reached 895 lbs. Almost 900 lbs! I can eat 7 pies and a turkey and a fried chicken.
my friend challenged me last week at a buffet to see who could eat the most food. U c, all my friends are fat and i’m the fattest. I eat 31 plates of food! I am 895 lbs because last month all i ate on all my meals were : jellos,ice creams,pies,cake,cookies and 12 bottles of coke everyday. Then i would always go to sleep then. My belly is so fat that i can’t even touch my belly button. My belly scrapes the wall as i walk sideways through the hallway!
ok so i have been eating alot in the past few weeks. last night i ate five pices of pizza,
four cans of mountian dew and a hamburger and a fry. but instead of gaing weight, i lost twelve pounds! somthings wrong! HELP!!
i have even seek a medical advise about me becoming really,really fat and big.if there is any medications or what i need to eat and how to eat if possible how many times i need to eat a day.pls,help
i am so fat when i was eating dinner(13 pies, 9 fried chickens,48 doughnuts , 3 bags of family sized bag chips and 3 pizzas) i broke my chairs! I need to sit on two chairs because i am 923 lbs. I can barely tie my shoes and cannot zip my jacket due to my gigantic pot belly even when i push my belly inwards.
Whoah.. This is great.. i am starting now to be a warrior in the future..
Thank craig
ur soooo funy
thank you craig naice advise
yesterday i tried to skip breakfast and brunch but i couldn’t so i was so hungry i ate 7 turkeys 6 pizzas and 15 bottles of coke! I sat on a steel bar and i broke it!
You guys are such idiots. Do you know how unhealthy you will get if you become obese. The only good thing about being fat is if you want to die early!!! Jerks!!!
no matter how much food i eat i’ll never be fat.
Whatever I do… I can’t gain weight. I’ve learned that it takes 3,500 calories to make a pound and I basically gain and then lose the pound. Darn my metabolism!
good job, good ideas
I wanna get fat but just a tiny bit!!!!!!! How do I do it without overdoing it!!!!!
i just need 13 more pounds to be 1000 lbs! Should i just keep myself at 987 lbs or go to 1000 lbs and keep gaining until 1600 lbs and maybe one ton! But i gotta do it fast like eat a ton of food til my belly is filled with so much food that its tighter than a drumhead! Like that guy that killed a pig when he tried to eat a morsel and fell of his bench.
hey 987 lbs me-
I wanna get fat so far I’m only @ 358, how did u get 2 987??? Plz help!
-hillary
Hey, thanks a lot, i am gonna get a round belly and hopefully some nice moobs and i will be about maybe 300 pounds see ya then
finally i weigh over half a ton at 1046 lbs! Should i gain weight up to 2000 lbs?
go us!
yeh fat… uh not TOO fat… im 5’5″ and 150lbs… another 7 lbs should do it for me! i HATE being called skinny too! it sucks! :p
a good twist..
had 6 boxes of bacon[drank all the grease], 3 pizzas, 13 bags of marshmellows for breakfast!!! I can’t even zip my pants now. Went to a buffet ate so much my stomach felt so heavy when i tried to lift it!!! When i got home i drank some soda and my belly was so big it loafed out of my shirt!
Actually I do all of these things in real life. I’m 13 and enjoy getting fat. My family is outside while I am sitting here looking up how to get fat. I’m working on getting a fatter midsection. I pull up my pants and tuck in my shirt. Lots of teens are doing this and this isn’t funny at all.
I think you should actually look up how to be skinny on google for two reasons.
1. You can prove to your friends that you have done reasearch.
2. Find out what not to do.
I feel fatter already
yea, I tried this and it didn’t work. its been like 2 months now and I have only gained like 2 lbs.
Lol, loved this article!
My tips are, limit your movement, being on the computer all day is a good thing!
Eat as much as you can, never fruit, BLARGH. Cheese, chocolate, biscuits, all that.
you’ll put on a stone a month ;P
im 17 and 15 stone. 5ft 5. Still gettin bigger