This might seem like an unlikely discussion coming from a bloke who has spent the best part of his (working) life owning and running gyms and helping people create their best body, but working along side thousands of people for a quarter of a century (good grief) has taught me many (many, many) lessons and reinforced many pre-existing beliefs. Lessons that some people desperately need to learn.
This message might also seem ironic coming from a bloke who was, for a while there, obsessed with building his own freaky body. I was young and dumb. Forgive me.
It’s a good thing that we have the capacity to learn, adapt and change.
Some of what I’ve learned…
Myth: When I get in shape, everything will be okay, or at the very least, much better.
Truth: An amazing body doesn’t equal an amazing life.
As a rule, what we look like has little or no correlation to happiness, fulfilment or the absence of problems. The media won’t tell you that, but I will. Being in shape physically doesn’t mean that you are emotionally or psychologically healthy. In fact, the majority of people who invest a disproportionate amount of time into their body and their appearance often have significant emotional and psychological issues (in my experience).
Myth: When I lose this weight, my self esteem will improve and I won’t have the same confidence issues.
Truth: Not Necessarily. Some ‘beautiful’ people are the most insecure because their sense of self-worth and identity comes entirely from their looks… and we all know looks are temporary.
Myth: Losing weight will ‘fix’ my unhealthy relationship with my partner.
Truth: Nup. It may help a little, but your problems with your partner extend way beyond your butt, your gut and your bodyfat.
Myth: I will be satisfied when I reach (insert desired weight).
Reality: Ain’t gonna happen. Often. Most people are forever moving the goal posts.
“Only ten more pounds… then I’ll be happy.”
“Okay… just five more.”
Myth: Getting in shape is essentially a physical process.
Reality: Getting in shape (that is creating forever physical change) is more of an emotional and psychological journey than anything else. The physical change is a consequence of that journey. If we don’t change emotionally and psychologically, we will never create lasting physical change. If the fitness industry understood this and operated from this paradigm, we would consistently see much better outcomes.
Myth: Body = Identity.
Reality: As I’ve shared before “my body is not who I am, it’s just where I live.” It’s how I get around! I am an emotional, cerebral, spiritual and physical being.
Myth: My mindset and attitude will change when I lose the weight.
Reality: I will lose the weight when my mindset and attitude change.
Myth: Pretty = attractive.
Reality: Some people who may not fit the stereotypical ‘pretty’ mould (guys and girls) are incredibly attractive. And some of the ‘prettiest’ people are actually quite ugly. You know what I mean.
And so…
Working hard to be in good physical shape is a good thing; a healthy goal. But not when it’s to the exclusion of developing ‘all’ of us. Not when it distracts us from who we really are, who we might become and what we might achieve beyond a six-pack and some perfect teeth. And not when it turns us into unbalanced, self-absorbed, insecure obsessives.
We are multi-dimensional, wonderful, amazing, complex creatures; not one-dimensional bodies. We are much more than a bunch of muscles, bones, fat, organs and facial features. Much more than an image. More than something to look at. If success, significance, influence or happiness was dependant on being physically attractive, I’d be one very unsuccessful, insignificant, miserable puppy!
Over the years I have watched many people turn a healthy endeavour (getting in shape) into an unhealthy, even destructive obsession and I have never met one single person who is obsessed with their appearance… and happy. Not one in all the thousands.
There’s a lesson.
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Craig
Captain my Captain
Bravo, Bravo, Bravo….
(apart from that one self depreciating comment you snuck in….’If success, significance, influence or happiness was dependant on being physically attractive, I’d be one very unsuccessful, insignificant, miserable puppy!’) So not true.
Gold Jerry. You nailed it Mr. Harper. So annoyingly right and clever – Again.
Great lesson! I agree with most points for sure. I only question a couple of your points:
* ‘you are always moving the goal posts, – never satisfied’.
A few years ago, (OK, – when 21) I was training intensely, – watching what I ate, had an active job and keeping away from junk and getting way fit loving seeing the all round improvements. On my 21st birthday I was about 86kg, (1.71m) and not happy about that then, or my control, had bulges galore! I set a target of 62kg, (allowing for some muscle). I remembered I was 58-60kg at around 17-18 years old before gutsy eating and really LOVED that size!
5.5 months after my 21st I hit 62kg and felt so damn proud of myself! Of course I didn’t wanna be 63 the following week so kept up the same habits, – ie running faster, (not further) and still kept losing a kg a week, – so a month later hit 58 and was REAL proud, no podge tyres, strong, performing great, 27.5 inch waist, size 10! I think I looked great and felt fab!
I was sensible enough not to allow myself to entertain the idea of going below 58, – if I wanted to get leaner, (was happy though) I would have needed to increase muscle. I kept up the activity made sure I at least ate 1500cals of balanced meals a day, (but healthy/controlled) and did maintain 58-60 for a few months which was awesome.
These days it feels far-fetched, – first weight target is 68 these days. Then will evaluate after that and compare running speeds LOL
And being in shape, – or even feeling in control DOES make me feel happy, more confident, just positive, fun and nice to be around!
I totally agree with all your other points though, – it doesn’t change EVERYTHING! I think it’s only part of our make-up, – not everything!
Pip
My six pack is in the esky right now! Good thing I’m not in a hurry for it.
I’ve lost eight kilos in the last few months and countless inches all over and I have to confess I thought I was pretty awesome when I finally managed to fit into my new jeans.
Until someone told me that I was awesome BEFORE I lost the weight and eight kilos or eighty kilos, it wasn’t anything other than being me that made me awesome.
After reading this, I’ve thrown away my piece of paper that was stuck on the fridge detailing what I decided a long time back was my ‘ideal’ weight.
I’m thinking its time to work on the attitude a little more than the outer shell. Maybe then I’ll have a little more success.
50 people so far Craig.
Kalgoorlie here you come?
One of my most favourite words of all time is…. “GORGEOUS”
Being pretty, or good looking, beautiful, etc etc… whatever you want to call it, only goes as deep as your skin (or fake tan!!!)!!!! GORGEOUS is to the bone…!!
You know how you can look at someone, and they may not have blonde hair and big boobs, or a six-pack or whatever it is people think good looking is….. But… they have that certain ‘something’ that no matter what they look like, or what size they are, or how tall they are or how muscley (yep… a word!!!) they are, they are incredibly ‘attractive’…. or GORGEOUS!!! I guess it happens when you stop looking at or thinking about the physical and look to every level beyond that (emotional, mental, and soul level!)
At the end of the day, we are all made up of exactly the same ‘stuff’!! Like you said buddy… cells, and muscles, and blood and tissues and skin and hair!!!! We all have issues and problems and challenges and emotions, etc etc…. It is what we hold inside us that makes us stand apart from everyone else…. OUR SOUL!!! This is where the real beauty is held…..
Making the choice to be beautiful on the inside will be reflected on the outside…..no matter what you look like….
Whilst I may never be deemed ‘Beautiful’…. I’d rather choose to be seen as ‘Gorgeous’ any time!!!!!
So… for all those ‘Beautiful’ people out there…. Did you know you can actually fall into both categories!!!!!!
Thanks for great post ch….
KK
XXX
P.S. Message for Elroy…. How’d you go on Sunday???? Been hangin’ to find out….
xxx
Hi Anon.
Thankyou for the vote of support re my appearance.
Maybe you need a lie down and a cup of tea.
LOL.
( )
I do my best to annoy you Seb.
Cheers.
Hi Pip.
I do think there is often a relationship between being in shape and happiness, what I meant was that we can’t fix emotional and psych problems with a physical solution… and that being in good shape doesn’t necessarily equate to happiness……….
Enjoy your day.
Lisa Jane.. you are awesome irrespective of what you look like or how much you weigh.
It’s still okay (smart even) to have fitness and weight loss goals.. just not to hang our hopes for a ‘better life’on how much fat we have!!
50 people! I’m gettin’ out my sunblock!
Cheers.
Hi Kate.
I agree; I’m handsome on the inside!!
Enjoy your day.
Preach on Rev!
I love it when you go against the grain…
The truth shall set you free!
A spoonful of sugar may help the medicine go down…
But what if it dilutes the remedy,
Maybe it’s not worth masking the taste, after all.
What if the road to feeling better sometimes just tastes bad…
What it all boils down to anyway is;
who you are on the inside…
what connects two people for eternity is not pecs and glutes…its their souls!
Thus the term Soulmate!
Ya know, it’s what you see in their eyes past the green or blue hues…
Example… I have two “star” crushes…
Matt Damon (sorry Craig, I know he’s yours) and Kevin James (The King of Queens)
Yeah, I know my “type” is all over the place.
Matt, because thanks to the Bourne movies, I would feel incredibly safe with him…
Kevin, because he makes me laugh, he just seems so fun…
If I could mesh these two together…
I don’t care what they’d look like…
All I know is, they (he) would need a restraining order!
()
Tami
Ps— you are a cute puppy…
Mr Harper… Mr Harper… Mr Harper….
The sooner you just accept that you are ‘Gorgeous’…. the better!!!! hehehehe (hey… If I pass for gorgeous… then so do you!!!!)
I love it how it makes you feel soooo uncomfortable when someone calls you a ‘great big spunk’!!! LOVE IT!!!! hehehehe
Get over yourself… and get used to it!!!! It’s all a matter of perception…. Perhaps you need to look at how you perceive yourself????? AND CHANGE IT!!!!!!
Be good to you…
Have a great day
KK
XXXX (Here’s some love for you cos I know you can use some!!!! hehehe… and I know Captn Johnnie isn’t very forthcoming with the hugs!!!! heheheh)
Tami.
Get your hands off Matt.
You know I have a man-crush on him.
( )
KK.
Okay, I’m hot.
There.
( )
It’s not good looks that make certain people happy. It’s the good looks (by good, I mean good by the standard of the society at that point of time and geographical location) that make people go “wow, you look good” that boost the self-esteem of these people that make them happy. Vain, but such people do exist.
If you are drop-dead gorgeous and you are in a forest where there’s no one to see it, are you still gorgeous? Something philosophical to think about, eh?
Lisa Jane, – I’m in Perth, – would say I could possibly make it to Kalgoorlie one weekend if flights left from Perth on Fri nights and returned on Sunday! Have never been to Kal, – but would sure have an excuse if Craig surfaced!
Unless you got everyone coming to Perth of course LOL!
Pip
Hiya Pip, there is indeed flights that leave Friday arvo and return on Sunday.
Bring your hat and your sunblock. Its about 43 degrees as we speak.
How do you think all the Western Australians would deal with a dose of Craig Harper truth? I think there would be a few shocked Kalgoorlians (ummm thats a Lisa word).
Perth could be a plan. We could go to the beach and I could socialise with REAL people (haha) and after the beach we could have a Sunday session. At the gym of course Craig (unless the pub sounds better!)
Could be awesome!
I’m confused.
Until a few weeks ago I thought I was in fairly good shape. I train regularly, cardio & wgts and am in my healthy weight range. As far as nutrition, there is definately room for improvement.
In the past few weeks I have had a few things happen that have made me ask the question ‘Am I REALLY in shape or kidding myself?(I’m talking physical shape). Maybe I’m living in denial. Maybe my perception of what I see in the mirror is far from reality. I could lose 3-4kg and be leaner…would I be ‘in shape’ then?
How do you know when you’re in shape & when you’re not?
Hi Kel… this is very funny:
“If you are drop-dead gorgeous and you are in a forest where there’s no one to see it, are you still gorgeous?”
Nice.
Hello Pip and Lisa Jane,
Should I pack my togs?
Hello Anon.
If you don’t have excessive bodyfat, you exercise regularly and you’re near your ideal weight… you sound like you’re in shape to me.
Yep, pack your togs.
Perth here we come!
Me thinks… if your NOT drop dead gorgeous and you’re in a forest with no one to see then you definately just became gorgeous… he he he.