Okay, so I’m a little concerned for some of the teenagers and young adults I meet in the course of my work who seemingly have everything handed to them on a platter.
It’s not all the things which are done for, or given to, them that concerns me; it’s the life skills, the people skills, the relationship skills, the coping skills and the practical skills they’re not developing, which worries me.
Kids who have never made a bed.
Kids who have never been disciplined.
Kids who have never had to work for anything.
Kids who don’t understand the meaning of no.
Kids who don’t ‘get’ that the majority of the world lives somewhere close to the poverty line.
Kids who don’t really have any perspective of a world beyond their front door.
Kids who have never had any consequences for their bad behaviour because mum and dad have always bailed them out.
Over the last few years I have been involved with an increasing number of interfering, meddling, over-protective, paranoid (yes, well-intending and loving) parents who have successfully produced kids with virtually no skills for life in the real world; not the synthetic, manufactured version of the world they were raised in; but the dirty, lumpy, bumpy, unfair, unpredictable world that most of us inhabit.
They love their kids and want the best for them but sometimes it’s more loving to let a child fall over, get a little grubby, dust herself off, get up and keep going, than it is to race her off to the doctor every time she gets a scratch on her knee.
Sometimes in an effort to ‘protect’ our children we actually make them more vulnerable. In an attempt to keep them safe we unintentionally put them in harms way because we raise them in an environment which doesn’t allow them to adapt, learn, cope, fail … and occasionally fall over and feel some pain.
We’re all familiar with the old Chinese Proverb:
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
This lesson has a multitude of applications and implications, with the obvious message being that when we teach someone something of value, and help them develop practical skills, we help them survive and thrive in the world.
We may avoid the quick fix, but we help them in the long-term.
A little short-term pain for some long-term gain.
We let them grow and learn by doing rather than having it done for them.
We open them up to a world of new possibilities.
We help them become adaptable, resourceful and independent.
We can teach them about the real world:
The one where there are consequences for bad behaviour.
The one where mum and dad don’t ‘fix’ everything when Junior stuffs up.
The one where kids learn invaluable, and often painful life-lessons, every day.
The one where kids develop values, standards and perspective because they actually have to work for things.
So let’s explore the concept of tough love.
What is loving?
Is it:
a) bailing the kid out of trouble every time, or is it
b) making the kid deal with the consequences of her actions?
Is it:
a) handing him a new car for his birthday, or is it
b) teaching him how to work, save money and buy his own car?
Is it:
a) rewarding her with gifts and prizes for doing ‘normal’ things (passing an exam) or
b) giving her a hug and telling her you’re proud?
Is it:
a) buying him the best cubby-house or
b) building a cubby-house with him?
Is it:
a) getting her the best lawyer money can buy or
b) letting her lose her license for speeding?
What do you think?
Love this article? Sign up for my FREE Email Newsletter today to receive more articles like this, and my FREE Ebook!
Post Footer automatically generated by Add Post Footer Plugin for wordpress.
{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
My six-year-old is constantly telling me that I’m mean, mainly because I force him to make his bed and dress himself in the morning (I know – who said child-labour was dead and buried!).
The temptation is always there – it would be easier, faster, a lot less hassle and more efficient if I just did it myself. But I try to remind myself that my job as a parent is to produce a functioning, capable adult. Any other course of action is likely to have me still cleaning up after him when he’s twenty-six.
And you really don’t want to be cleaning up after a twenty-six year-old…
Don’t laugh – I think if you conducted a quick poll you’d find there are plenty of twenty-six year-olds (and older) who are still living at home with Mum still doing all the cooking, washing and cleaning up. I just plan not to be one of them!
One of my friends is a thirty-two year-old tradegy; still being waited on by mum and couldn’t make piece of toast.
Sad.
Still love him though.
Excellent post Craig.
Ive just found your site through another forum. I’ll be going through some of your other articles also.
I’m 26, stay-at-home, BUT I do the washing, vacuming, gardening, cleaning the bathroom etc, I also pay rent and contribute additionally to grocery shopping when I get the chance. The only thing I cant do just yet is cook :p
So I was brought up pretty good then
Hi Anonymous,
Thanks for the feedback.
You sound very capable, responsible and aware… just need to learn how to cook!
Re tough love, are you saying Interfering meddling parents are ones who let their kids have a fair share of mistakes or ones who protect their kids from lifes mistakes?
I would like to see the other side of the equation that I dont see from those getting in on this issue, notably Dr P and son and others. That is, really how this “tough Love” will actually work? giving the parents the life lessions to enable them to deliver this love without sending some of these kids into a depressive state through continual nagging and worse, demeening sanctions because of a misconstruded outlook because of some publicised extreemes. I suggest we look at parents not the kids to try and get some perspective into the equation. Most kids appreciate a little help but unfortunately some parents lisening to the latest parenting sales job are getting a little carried away.
I believe there does need to be some guidance in the issues you are raising and a job well done but there also needs to be more balance to try and curb the assumption by some well meaning scared parents that their kids are on a road to oblivian. Life really isn’t that hard. Stay sober, don’t break the law and work hard. Most of us have it easy compared to the unfortunates of the 3rd world.
I have a dear friend that Is so kind and giving, Who has a doughter and son in law that are now living with him becouse they lost there Home to forcloseur They are in there 50′s and he is in his 70′sHis wife Pasted away 10 years ago and he was living by himself for the past 10 years, the kids came with a Dog that poops on the floor all the time., and a bird that screams all the time. My frend,l (ets call him John) likes to cook and prides himself on cooking healthy,and son in law likes to cook and when its his chance to cook he cooks things that “John” dosn’t want to eat and they critasize him and tell him that his food isn’ fit to eat,(and he is a very good cook and takes grate pride in it.) They fight about every thing and it gets my frend john all upset, when they argue they go off on everything from the past, present,and fueture they are putting him down all the time and he said he feels like he is always wrong and they are always right and in my opioun He is ver intelegant man and still has very much on the ball, they think the funiture should be the way that they want it and critasize him for the way he has it. I have known JOHN for close to two years and he keeps a fery clean origanised and lovely home. He would and dose everything for his doughter, and by helping them out financeualy he has put himself in det, and they think he should do more, what do you do when you have two 50 some year olds that treat ther father that way,now they are putting ME down and telling him that spends to much time with me I love having him around and we enjoy each outhers company, I am worred they will talk him into quit seeing me,What should he do about this or what I do to help, I do belive in tought love Please help! Hart is breaking in Howell MI