I have to share something with you; something you may find hard to believe. I think it’s best that you sit down for this. Oh, you are. Right. Okay, ready then? Here it comes…
Some people don’t like me. My thoughts, my ideas, my communication style, my writing, this site… me. Shocking I know.
Sorry, had to whisper it. I’m embarrassed. And a bit hurt.
Hang on, that’s not all; there’s more.
Some people don’t like you either. I do, but amazingly, not everybody does.
It’s hard to believe I know. How is that possible? You and I are so ace. What’s not to love about us; we’re fantastic. I think you’re great, you think I’m mildly amusing. Can’t everyone else recognise our undeniable fabulousness (a word) and simply embrace us for the champions of humanity that we are? Apparently not.
To my absolute astonishment, it appears that I’m f-f-f-f-lawed. Periodically offensive, politically incorrect, blunt, insensitive and occasionally, w-r-r-r-r… ong. Who’da thought?
There I said it. It’s out.
And I thought I was the poster boy for ‘adorable’.
My mother so mislead me.
Moving from complete obscurity to someone with a profile (of sorts) and a public voice (at times) has taught me many lessons, but none more important than that of being able to deal with criticism in a constructive way. And to deal with it on every level – emotionally, psychologically, professionally, publicly, privately and practically. For many of us, our inability to deal with criticism, or even constructive feedback, is what stops us from moving from mediocre to amazing. It’s what stops us from fulfilling our potential and becoming a ‘better version’ of us. However, the irony is that if we actually choose to learn from, and use that criticism (instead of cracking the sads and sulking for a year), it can be the catalyst for real growth and often proves to be one of our greatest teachers.
One of the other ironies of personal growth (in terms of us personally learning, growing and adapting) is that people who are constantly and exclusively surrounded by people who only tell them what they want to hear are actually being handicapped (not empowered), and will invariably come crashing down to earth. They will learn less, grow less and be deprived the opportunity of developing crucial life and coping skills because they aren’t living in reality. And then one day when reality steps into their world (and they discover that they are in fact, not perfect or universally loved and accepted), they won’t cope.
Publicly putting your ass on the line (via radio, TV, magazines, speaking, this site) and sharing your thoughts, ideas and life-philosophy with the masses has proven to be a high risk activity for me. As it is with anyone who does what I do. When I first started out in the big wide world of public speaking, I must admit that I was naive. I stupidly assumed that if my motives were good, I was passionate and sincere about my message and it was my objective to have a positive impact on people, then I would be universally embraced because clearly, I’m adorable.
And lovable, hilarious, irresistible and totally captivating.
Good theory Dumbo.
And as for my mother’s “don’t worry, they’ll all love you” theory – seriously Mary, what were you thinking?
I quickly learned that I had the ability to both ‘engage and alienate’ different people in the same audience at the same time. I had to learn that the very same words which motivate, challenge and inspire one person may alienate, intimidate and even anger, another. I’m still learning this lesson.
While I have had much support, encouragement and love over my journey, I’ve also had my share of critics. And to be completely honest and transparent with you, sometimes those critics were right, or at the very least, had a valid point. Sometimes I need a reality check, a kick in the ass and a different perspective. I have had to learn that not everyone speaks ‘Craig’ – a very obscure and at times, difficult language.
Last week I gave a presentation. It went reasonably well. Not amazing, but okay. I’ve done better, I’ve done worse. As I left, people came and thanked me, shook my hand and told me that they had enjoyed it. Yesterday I received an email from a man who was also in the presentation. I could share some of the specific contents of the email with you but I’ll save us both some time and condense it for you:
“Dear Craig, you’re a big tool and your presentation sucked….”
Fifteen years ago feedback like this would have killed me. I would have been emotionally wounded for days because I had a burning desire to please everyone and to be universally liked (two stupid and impossible objectives). These days, I read the letter thoughtfully and I genuinely consider the writer’s perspective and feelings. Rather than ‘react’, I choose to de-emotionalise the process and see what I can learn.
Here’s what I have to teach you about Criticism:
1. If you’re alive you will have critics. And the more ambitious you are, the more you will be criticised. If you don’t want to be criticised then don’t speak, don’t have an opinion, don’t disagree with anyone and preferably live somewhere remote; a small island or a cave perhaps. Maybe one of those weird-ass subterranean bunkers with some tinned food and a big heavy door.
2. Someone who criticises you is not automatically an idiot. Yes, some people are vindictive, nasty pieces of work… but some people actually have a point. Here’s a crazy notion – what if they’re right?
3. Thoughtfully consider constructive criticism and feedback. Genuinely try to understand their point of view. However, always ignore mindless, angry abuse. There’s a difference.
4. I can choose how I react to any situation and to any feedback – positively or negatively. So can you. I will de-emotionalise the process to the best of my ability and I will consciously find the lesson. I will react different(ly) to most, because I want to be different to most.
5. Considering someone’s critical feedback doesn’t mean that you need to agree with them. I often ‘understand’ someone’s point of view while not necessarily agreeing with it. That’s okay. Smart even.
6. I can get grumpy or I can get enlightened. I can learn that we don’t all share the same reality or perspective and that’s okay. In order for me to be able to connect with people, I need to find the lesson, rather than perpetuate the problem.
7. I can transcend the ugly, common practice of engaging in back and forth mindless, destructive criticism (pointless arguments). I will offer feedback (constructive criticism) only when I genuinely believe that a) it will be received in the manner I intend it and b) I believe it can be of real value to the recipient.
8. As difficult as it may be, I can embrace criticism as a part of my development. I can make it an opportunity to learn, grow, improve, develop and change for the better. Rather than experience and process it as a setback or a trauma.
9. I can get self-righteous and defensive, or I can get humble. Sometimes I need to pull my head in. You too.
10. I can be a precious, sooky, la-la (see, I just offended fifteen people right there) or I can toughen up and get a little practical. Some people won’t like you – deal with that. Some people will disagree with you and be offended by you even when you’re busting your ass to do the right thing. Welcome to life; it’s messy, it’s lumpy, it’s bumpy and it’s definitely not fair.
Okay, lesson over.
I gotta go and vacuum my weird-ass subterranean bunker.
Photo by vidrio
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
This is something you have obviously thought a lot about. My first instinct must be primal. My first reaction is always anger. That may have something to do with the way critism is delivered to me.
Hey Craig,
THis is the first time I have come across you. Sorry if it disappointed you!eeks!
Now, the post remnded me so much what Gandhi said. I have been tryig to work on point no. 4 from your list: ‘I can choose how I react’:–But man its hard, when somebody upsets you big time and you are helpless. ANy tips?
Hi Geoff.
Anger is totally understandable and pretty normal. I have been known to have the occasional outburst myself… hard to believe, I know.
The problem with ‘anger’ as a reaction is that it usually doesn’t create good results or positive outcomes over the long haul. It usually creates more problems.
Emotion is good but only when it’s attached to a little logic.
Cheers.
Craig,
Is there room for one more in that bunker?
Seriously, i cannot stand criticism purely because of the physical effects…. stomach bottoming out, face burning, rush of blood to the head. I hate to feel like im being chastised. I always say… ‘I understand what yr saying’. Its a deflecting thing. However, i nearly always disagree and of course the other person is an idiot. he he he
Have a great weekend.
: )
Hi Hersh.
How dare you not visit my site on an hourly basis. Where have you been?
Choosing our reaction is tough because at our core, we are highly emotional, reactive beings.
The more secure and confident we become in our own ’skin’ (not to be confused with arrogant or self-righteous), the less likely we are to react innapropriately.
Gandhi had learned this lesson.
It’s not so much ‘trying’ as it is ‘being’.
Peace.
Sure Friday, you can come. I have bunk beds. And company is always good. Can you bring some games and maybe a torch?
Cheers.
Hey man… just think if you were always right, and everyone agreed, your blog site would have died in it’s infancy!! I for one am glad it didn’t die!
It’s taken me some time accept critism and not over react. And I agree with geofffromoz it does depend on how it is delivered.
I know I am not perfect (shock….horror!!) and neither is anyone else for that matter! So I have learned live with critism and get on with life.
A motto I live by is:-
You can’t please everyone all the time…..only some of the people most of the time!
Cheers Bud!
SkaterBoy
Craig
I wouldn’t mind living in a cave so long as i had a hot guy (a cross between the body of hercules with the personality of Robert De Niro’s character in The Deer Hunter)with me who didn’t mind killing things to eat. Don’t like tinned food, makes me feel like a cat.
I have given you plenty of shit in the last year and i have criticised a lot of things you have said and not all of it has been constructive. In fact most of it was unnecessary. I just wanted to fight against every opportunity i had to get help and improve my life because it’s easier to be angry at everyone and everything.
Like geoffromoz my first reaction is always anger. Even if i knew deep down that you were right in a lot of your opinions, i was still fighting it by criticising you because i was fighting myself and the goodness in me. By being critical of you i was keeping myself down because agreeing with you, really listening, taking your advice and making positive comments about your thoughts and your talent would mean that i would have to start making decisions and changing my life for the better. Keeping myself down is the only thing i have ever known. You get what i mean? Everytime i said ‘who the hell does he think he is to judge, he thinks he’s so smart, big head blah blah blah’, i was just confirming to myself that “I’m just a lazy, born loser and it’s easier to stay this way’. There was no way i was going to give you the satisfaction of feeling good about yourself by complimenting you. How presumptuous of me to assume that ‘I’,a total stranger to you, was capable of spoiling your day by making you feel bad just because i was feeling bad.
You may think that the bad criticism you get is constructive but i have a feeling that more than half of it is said in anger cause the truth angers people, they don’t want to change for whatever reason so their way of fighting is by bringing you down off your ‘high horse’. People don’t like to be provoked into thinking cause that would make them face their shit.
In some ways i’m loathe to admit that a think your ‘kinda ok’cause i’m still part of that anger group of people but it’s time to accept the good things people have to offer, be nice and lighten my anger load by giving people a chance to teach me instead of just assuming they are being holier than thou. It’s time to get over it. So for the first time ever, i’m saying thanks.
Ange
How could you be called a tool??!! You really are tops.
I get called a tool all the time but these days I prefer to ignore my children.
Maybe one day you can do a post on how to give constructive criticism as opposed to destructive criticism because there seems to be alot of people out there who just don’t seem to know how. I think how we react to criticism sometimes depends on how that criticism is delivered.
Hey Ange,
Welcome back!! I have been worried about you, wondering where you were, cos I just worked out that we hadn’t seen a comment from you since December 20 (is that right or did I miss some?). Seriously, I was just about to post a comment asking you to come back and participate. I was hoping that we hadn’t heard from you because you’d been off on some wonderful holiday far from computers and blogs, but I was concerned…
So… it looks like you’ve come back stronger than ever. That’s great! Ange, I know you’ve had your struggles but I for one always loved your complete honesty and your “no bullshit” comments and your humour (albeit it “black humour” at times).
You have soo… underestimated yourself in the past. For one, without knowing anything else about you I know you are a seriously good writer. I was so hoping that you would enter the writing project before Christmas. And if remember rightly there were several other people who wanted you to have a go.
Next time pleeease do it! You only have to be yourself and write the way you do in the comments. I always look forward to what you have to say, and that IS because of you’re honesty. I believe you put into words what others think but are not game to say.
Welcome back and hugs () () Hope 2008 is your best, happiest and most fulfilling year ever!
Oh, and I guess I better say “hi” to you too Craig, since it is your blog after all. And a hug too ()
Anne C
Thanks Craig,
Great reminder. I needed to hear those exact words, especially point number
“6. I can get grumpy or I can get enlightened. I can learn that we don’t all share the same reality or perspective and that’s okay. In order for me to be able to connect with people, I need to find the lesson, rather than perpetuate the problem.”
AMEN! I’ve got some lessons to learn to transform my situation to enlightenment, I have to say I’ve been grumpy. Enlightenment is always the best choice, but I forget sometimes.
Jewels4ever
Craig – ok I melt and cringe when receiving with criticism but I am so good at giving it.
Thanks I needed this.
I get angry too …I will learn from now not all criticism is and except from tools.
cheers.
Hi Skater.
Nice to hear from you.
Thanks for yor thoughts and for dropping by.
Hi Ange.
Nice to hear from you.
Firstly, you’re welcome.
Secondly, I’m glad you wrote that comment – not for me, but for you.
I believe that:
1) You’re highly intelligent (can be good and bad).
2) You know exactly what you need to do.
3) You need to be ready to do it and you’re very nearly there.
Humility and honesty is the beginning of wisdom and you’ve displayed both. Nice work Ange.
Let me know if I can help.
Here’s one of those hugs you hate ( )
Hi Debstar.
Thanks!
I’ll give your suggestions some thought.
Cheers.
Hi Anne C.
I’m more than happy for you to use my blog to encourage Ange.
Nice work.
Hi Jewels4ever.
We’ve all got plenty to learn.
I forget to respond the right way too – !~!
Cheers
Hi baby~amore’ – you’re welcome.
Peace.
You seriously ARE a tool CH!!!! There’s no doubt there. And a chicken, and you are sooooo full of yourself!!!
BUT….. you have also been around the block a few times, and have managed to turn a lot of accumulated knowledge into wisdom!!! Not often achieved by many people!!!
Each person will perceive what anyone else says to them depending on where they’re at in life. So, say what you will…. people will take it how they want….
And by the way….
PULL YOUR HEAD IN!!!!
KK
XXXXXXXXX
P.s. You know I love ya heaps!!! XX
PPS….
Embrace ‘toolism’ buddy….(a word!!) You have taken it to new heights.
heheheheheheh
xxxxxx
Rightio, I’m going off to your bunker to be a sookie la la cos I didn’t get a hug.
I’ll bring you a copy of my manuscriAnpt and I’ll even dedicate it to my favourite tool!
Anyway, tools are useful.
I put my weights up tonight and I made it thru the week with awesome eating.
Can I post your points on my blog? I have some people who can benefit from it.
LJ
I reserve the right to be a precious, sooky la-la for a minimum of 2 minutes BEFORE I have to get over it
Craig, I see many similairities between you and I and the way we deal with other people. You may be a little more blunt than I am. Because of that trait in me, people either like me or hate me. I am ok with that. I am ok with the criticism that my bluntness (another word for honesty) brings my way. A lot of my growth has come from that criticism. Sometimes I still get hurt or angry but for the most part, I can put those feelings aside and look at the criticism to see (1) Is it true? and (2) Is it mine? or (3) Is it theirs? If it is true and mine, then I decide (4) Is it something I want to keep? or (5) Is it something that I want to change? When I am on the giving end of the criticism then I ask myself the first 3 questions. I have one friend that I think she keeps me around because she knows I will tell her all of the things that she doesn’t want to know about herself. I don’t mean to but I even make her cry sometimes. I think she knows that I am so honest because I love her. Maybe she doesn’t know. I think I will tell her.
The great thing about people like you is I know exactly where I stand around you. The people that don’t like that are the ones that leave.
Have a glorious day to everyone reading this.
Patricia from Hot Springs, Arkansas, USA
I read the first three lines of the first anon and said “Ange!”.Wondering where you were. You write very distinctively.
Nice to see you back.
My hubby is trying to send me to a course on how to develop a thicker skin! Relationships Australia do run one on how to handle criticism better. It’s not that I don’t believe what people say, I just hate hearing it out loud.
I think criticism is the hardest for the people-pleasers…
Being a card-carrying member of that club, I know, trust me.
You’d think I’d be used to it by now,
as a corporate trainer, I have had to endure 6 years of bi-monthly 360 degree surveys… by over 400 employees (collectly).
Honestly, the first year, I only took value in pro-Me comments!
Then, I tried to be everything to everyone… muy impossible!
So, then I had to get real… and began to “root cause” analyze…
Was the criticism something I could or should correct?
Whether I changed or not, it always taught me something,
about me or people… or both!
The truth of the matter is, as people we hate criticism so much that we surround ourselves with people that think like we do, act like we do, and share our interests.
But if we really want to grow, then we have to go to someone that we respect but that is not necessarily a close friend to mentor or advise in a difficult/development opportunity.
just some thoughts…
nice to hear from you Ange….
()
Tami
Now Kate…
I don’t know that the kisses at the end of your comment will make up for this:
“You seriously ARE a tool CH!!!! There’s no doubt there. And a chicken, and you are sooooo full of yourself!!!”
No kisses for you.
Yes LJ, you can post those points on your blog.
Here, have a bonus hug ( )… ( )
See you at the bunker.
Okay geekgirl but not a minute longer!!
Cheers
Hell Patricia (girl Craig).
Thanks for dropping by and for sharing.
( )
Hi Michelle.
I’d like to hear your feedback on that course if you do it.
Lemme know.
( )
And yes, Ange is a rock star.
And good thoughts they are Tam.
Thanks…… ( )
I love reading the comments almost as much and sometimes more than the post itself.
Not meaning to be “critical” with this comment…. love your blog Craig and the way you engage the readers…who then leave such an intersesting array of comments.
Hug free welcome back Ange.
Leanne M
You guys are good for my ego. You actually missed my bullshit? thanks. I think a lot of people where probably glad i wasn’t making comments anymore. In case you hadn’t notice i can be a little….annoying,down, negative, depressed, angry, stupid, violent and all the other good stuff. And all the opposite of what Craig’s trying to get out there, and that some of you people stupidly go along with. Just kidding.
I’d love to say i was on some wonderful holiday AnneC but the only trips i have taken lately are the ones in my head.
To be honest i’ve been away cause i was trying to take craig’s advice and keep my mouth shut. So you can blame craig. You see i’ve always suffered with verbal diarrhea. I didn’t want to be like that anymore. I wanted to be a better, nicer person. Someone calm, mysterious, cool, smart and blonde and with an ugly husband. No wait, that’s Cate Blanchett.
I realised i need to change so i decided to start on the thing that annoys me (and others) the most which is my mouth. I couldn’t stand the sound of me anymore. I was giving me a headache. Everytime i talked i felt like i was really loud and annoying. Like standing next to church bells. Craig, you know how your always going on about stinky people who’s body odour could probably force bin laden out of hiding? Well that’s how i felt about my talking. I could finally hear, really hear myself and i didn’t like it. When you can smell yourself than you know that you really do stink and when your talking and can hear your own voice in your head (if that makes any sense) you realise how annoying you sound.
So i’ve been trying to talk less,type less (just failed that one), slow my brain down, listen more and try and refrain from making stupidass comments. I thought it would be a good challenge for me to read posts and not say anything, just listen to what others have to say, contemplate, sit under a tree and pretend i’m friggin big buddha or something.In other words, trying to be everything except myself.
But shit it was so hard. I’d find myself sweating from the effort of not saying anything. It’s been a couple of months and i think i’ve made a good effort but jesus i can’t take it anymore. It’s just not in my nature. I will always make stupid comments (and regret it), a part of me will always get really depressed and negative and i will always make jokes and laugh at the expense of others cause that’s just the kind of jackass i am. And honestly, at this point the only thing that will keep my mouth shut would be jaw wiring and a plug up my butt to keep me from talking through my ass.
Ange
Hey Leanne.
Like you, I ony come to this stupid site to read Ange’s comments!
Ange,
You’re not alone on an iceberg…
I think we all get tired of being in our own skin from time to time.
kinda like being typecast as the same character day in and day out in the sitcom of life.
I think periodically changing a thing or two keeps us evolving and growing, not to mention it can keep us from boring ourselves to death.
Glad you’re back, you were missed.
()
Tami
Great post Craig, – and oh so true! I think I’ve got better at taking constructive advice than I used to be.
Pip
Hey Ange. You’re makin’ me insecure over here!
Great list, I like it!
Hey Ange,
You should keep a journal. One day you’re going to feel a whole lot better about who you are and a whole lot more comfortable in your own “skin”. Then you can turn that journal into a book that will help squillions of people and make you a heap of money to boot!
You are a seriously funny lady and you have quite a few devotees already, as you can see from the comments.
Anne C
Hi Craig, what about when the comments/actions are nasty and vicious – that’s what makes my tummy fall, mouth dry up and sweat break out. Esp now in the cyber bullying age (just look at YouTube to see that in action) How can you react positively to that esp when it’s delivered personally?
thanks as ever!
Hi Java.
Glad you do.
Cheers.
Hi Anon.
Point 3. “Thoughtfully consider constructive criticism and feedback. Genuinely try to understand their point of view. However, always ignore mindless, angry abuse. There’s a difference.”
If it ain’t logical, constructive and well-intended – ignore it.
Peace.
I haven’t laughed out loud at the PC for AGES (since I’m reseraching consumerism on the internet its a rather depressing subject), so THANK YOU.
Loved what you wrote and you can count me as one you engaged. Thanks for the tips.
Absolutely appreciated.
I’m just visiting your site for the first time..I have to say…thanks for using the word Ace..haven’t heard it in years..I shall be using it daily from now on!