The Unwelcome Evangelist.

About twenty years ago I took my first trip to the States. I had lots of fun, met some cool people, did some touristy things (a word) and of course, worked out in as many gyms as I could, keeping in mind that I was in the middle of my ‘how-big-can-I-get-for-no-sensible-reason’ phase (don’t try and understand it girls; it’s a stupid boy thing). Anyway there I was one day, a million miles from home, pumping iron in some strange gym in a foreign land and generally minding my own business, when I noticed a lady doing some dead-lifts (essentially a lower back exercise) with the worst technique I’d ever seen. Not just moderately bad form, it was horrible. Dangerous even. FYI – If you want to destroy your back quickly, do some dead-lifts with terrible technique and you’ll need new discs by tomorrow.

For a few minutes I watched her out of the corner of my eye and hoped that one of the ‘ever-observant and caring’ gym staff would help her out. They didn’t. Both male instructors seemed to be preoccupied with some other… responsibilities. Nineteen year-old responsibilities with blond hair.

So much for those good intentions.

Anyway, not wanting to see someone get injured, I walked over and politely and discreetly offered Mrs. Ruptured Disc some advice as I had done thousands of times before to other people in my own gym. As the words were leaving my lips she just glared at me with disdain. Not happy. Indignant even. I won’t repeat the whole conversation but let’s just say that my ‘advice’ wasn’t appreciated or well received. Apparently she had been training for over twenty years and “didn’t need some stupid f***ing meat-head with a stupid f***ing accent to tell her what to do in a gym.”

How dare I want to help.

To me, I was just a nice bloke trying to stop a lady from hurting herself. To her, I was some self-righteous, arrogant, sexist Neanderthal out to teach a helpless woman a lesson in a man’s domain. Er, okay Mrs. Too-Many-Issues-To-Mention.
And as far as each of us knew, we were both right.

I learned a few things from that brief encounter.

1. My truth won’t be everyone’s truth.

2. Not everyone wants to be taught something by me, even if I have the best intentions and even if the information could be extremely valuable to them. I can’t teach someone who doesn’t want to be taught and neither should I try. Thinking back on that experience now, I probably didn’t read the situation well at all.

3. Nobody likes having someone else’s beliefs or ideas shoved down their throat – no matter how well intended the shoving is.

4. Trying to teach an unwilling student will typically result in the opposite of what I hope to achieve (resentment instead of enlightenment, disconnection instead of connection).

5. Uninvited and unwelcome opinions and lessons will invariably cause problems and even destroy relationships. We often see this in families.

The Convert.

Have you ever noticed how ‘evangelical’ and annoying some people get once they’ve seen the light and changed their life in some way? And I’m not talking about your bible-thumping, scripture-quoting evangelist types either. No, I’m talking about the reformed smokers, drinkers, over-eaters and non-exercisers who have changed their ways and for some reason, feel compelled to impose their new-found values, thinking and behaviours on everyone within striking distance… no matter how unwilling or disinterested their ‘students’ are.

The truth is that sometimes even the best intentions will produce the worst results. Some fitness/health ‘evangelists’ even drive me crazy because they have no awareness, no ability to read people, no sense of timing and no understanding of what is and isn’t appropriate to say in a particular situation. They just blurt out their version of the truth. And as a result they often come across as self-righteous, judgmental, condescending tools. They do more harm than good.

I have a person in my life who smokes. Plenty. I’m very close to this person. I hate smoking with a passion. I understand what it does to a body. For years I tried to ‘teach’ this person about the perils of smoking – to help them change a destructive behaviour. My motives were noble, my information was accurate and I was desperately trying to do some good because I care. Every time I raised the topic, it ended disastrously. There was no revelation, no enlightenment, no behavioural change and no joy.

Just stress, tension and an emotional brick wall.

For a while I tried different approaches, different ways to communicate the same message. I only created a bigger and bigger gap and was met with more and more resistance. I realised that my ‘lessons’ weren’t welcome and I was probably doing more harm than good. I stopped my evangelising and the smoking continues to this day. It makes me sad but that’s life; we make our own choices. I will teach people who want to be taught. Other than that, I will know when to be quiet.

So what about the religious types?

In their attempts to enlighten and convert the masses, some (not all) religious types actually push people further and further away from their religion because they don’t know how to relate to, or connect with, people who are not like them. Having an important message is one thing, knowing how and when to deliver it is another.

In fact, it’s often not the message but rather the ‘messenger’ who alienates people.

Some people blurt out their message like some kind of weirdo and rather than creating a connection with someone, they actually create a massive disconnection because they haven’t read the person or the situation at all. They are good at talking but terrible at communicating and creating rapport. I’m not so sure that the “if you don’t listen to me you’ll burn in hell” message is all that effective at engaging and connecting with people. Maybe those people who ‘represent’ the various religions which are apparently all about ‘love’ should simply be more loving (to everyone) and less evangelical. Talk less, do more. Maybe the act of loving people (being generous, kind, caring, understanding, forgiving, patient) would be more of an effective ‘evangelising method’ than some judgmental words from a soap box.

Just a thought.

Knowing what to say isn’t nearly as important as knowing when to say it.

Sometimes connecting with a person is all about timing. It’s about reading the signs and finding the appropriate moment and the right communication style. Sometimes there isn’t a right time and sometimes it’s not our job. The last two decades have taught me that what I don’t say is sometimes more helpful in a relationship or situation. I’ve also learned that sometimes, how I live and what I do will have more of an impact on others than what I say – my behaviour rather than my words.

Sometimes teaching isn’t.
And sometimes ‘not’ teaching is.

You’ll figure it out.

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Craig.

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