Over-Talking… Not Cool
Here at me-dot-com, we’ve already explored the close-talker and the over-thinker in previous posts. So, off the back of a mildly-exhausting recent social encounter of mine (and as a supplement to one of CJ’s posts), today I thought we’d take a further look at the over-talker: he or she of the excessive word brigade.
Let’s be honest, some people simply talk too much. Blah, blah, blah. After a while, their words become meaningless noise. An annoyance. A distraction. Something to be avoided. You’ve met them, worked with them, dated them (married them!) and, at times, been them. And while the consequences of being excessively and inappropriately verbose on a regular basis are typically not life-threatening (unless you’re in the Mafia), they might very well be social-life threatening, love-life threatening or work-life threatening.
There was a time when I may have been a little ‘wordy’ myself (hard to believe, I know). As a young kid, there seemed to be a recurring theme in my primary (elementary) school reports. Here’s an extract from my grade five report:
“While Craig is a likeable and friendly child, he has a propensity to be somewhat loquacious (he talks too much) in class. Unfortunately, there are times when he proves to be a distraction to the other children.”
Who’d have thought?
The irony being that, while I once got in trouble for talking, these days I get paid for it. 
Although, in her defence, I’m sure Sister Mary probably didn’t envisage the fat, goofy kid in the third row becoming a professional motivator or corporate speaker.
Having said all of that, there are times when words are more or less appropriate, more or less valuable and more or less effective. So, let’s take peek at the mechanics of the over-talker.
Why We Do It
1. We’re nervous.
2. We want to impress.
3. We want to be accepted (to fit in).
4. We’re unaware.
5. We’re uncomfortable with silence (we need to fill the gaps).
6. We’re excited.
Signs We Could Be Over-talking
1. Our friend list is shrinking by the day!
2. Our words seem to create more disconnection than connection.
3. People’s eyes glaze over when we’re talking with (at) them.
4. People start to look around the room (hoping to be required elsewhere).
5. People avoid us.
6. We can’t remember what anyone else (in the conversation) said.
7. Our family wears earplugs around us.
Potential Benefits of Talking Less (and listening more)
1. We create greater connection and engagement.
2. People love to be listened to (not talked at).
3. We appear more confident (over-talking makes us seem needy, desperate and insecure).
4. It makes us more attractive - in the sense that people want to be around us more (over-talking is socially repellant).
5. When we talk less we see more, hear more and learn more.
6. Connection with our inner intelligence – greater consciousness, awareness and insight.
7. Spiritual growth - which is why (some) spiritual types spend a great deal of their lives in silence.
Remember, boys and girls, there are many effective ways to engage and connect without uttering a single word. Sometimes, talking is not connecting. Sometimes, it’s just noise.
As always, love to hear your thoughts, ideas and feedback on this post. 
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Craig,
I work with a few ‘over-talkers’ and I loathe having to go to meetings that I know that will be attending because it’s going to be an hour of time that I will never get back. I totally zone out with them and I truly don’t think I can help it.
In saying that, I am guilty (a lot of the time) of ‘over-typing’ and while I know it’s not quite the same I also know it can still be a pain in the butt. As someone who finds it difficult to express myself verbally the written word to me is a godsend. Does that make me annoying too?! Oops.
As a wise lady once said to me before a job interview, “speech is silver, silence is golden”. This is certainly applicable in far more situations than just job interviews.
Nicola
I sometimes feel that I am an overtalker, although I have been assured by my partner and friends that I am not! Sometimes it just feels like I am the only one that does the talking. My measure of talking too much is actually speaking just to speak and the speaking to fill the silent (I am not that bad yet).
I have learnt a number of things from your site; silent is grand, be aware of your actions and the reaction of others particularly body language, listening is a rare skill (to be worked on) and fewer words can command more respect.
A major talking habit that I have worked on my habit to compete with others in a conversation (aka impress or self promote). I now ask two questions when I adding my story into to the mix (1) am I really just trying to self promote (2) does ‘my’ story add value to the conversation and not take away from the other side of the conversation. If you really what to learn about someone ask them questions about themselves, remember small details for the next encounter and truly listen. This goes from the coffee lady at work to your partner at home.
I don’t know how overtalkers do it.
I had a 90 minute job interview for a promotion this morning and had to yap on about myself for the whole time. I was sick of the sound of my own voice after the first 15 minutes.
If I had to talk solidly like that every day I’ll pull my ears off!
1. Our friend list is shrinking by the day!
2. Our words seem to create more disconnection than connection.
3. People’s eyes glaze over when we’re talking with (at) them.
4. People start to look around the room (hoping to be required elsewhere).
5. People avoid us.
Yes spot on. But by the same token some don’t like it if you never talk. You can’t please anyone.
mmmmm….
Good Lord! Would it be rude to print this out and place it strategically on a co-worker’s desk??
I doubt I could have REALLY identified with this post if it wasn’t for a work-situation change recently. It’s put me in close-quarters with the most needy, insecure, talkative (usually about how much they know and how good they are at their job) person I have ever met! Yep, my eyes (and everyone else’s) glaze over when the monotonous drone begins.
Total social unawareness.
Most of the time, I just wanna slap them until they stop telling me how good they are.
But that would be wrong, yeah?
Hmm … maybe I will print this out!
Em
( ) x
Gas bag or Trappist, nobody’s perfect. Either way, intent (attitude?) makes a difference.
Craig, this reminds me of something that the comedian George Burns once said…
“the secret to a good sermon (or talk) is to have a good beginning and a good ending. Then having the two as close together, as possible”
I’m thinking, with over-talkers, if we actually listened to what they are saying…how would they know?
Got to say I love the word “loquacious” – my teacher wrote on my report something about a garbage truck meaning I talk allot of garbage!! I still do sometimes but I can catch myself and stop mid-sentance and think wow what was that about. It is a pinch of nerves and yes trying to impress! I think the main thing for us talkers is to acknowledge that yes we do get carried away and yes just STOP and breathe! Thanks Craig!
Ange
Michael, thats it not everyone is gonig to like us but some LOVE us!
Great to be aware of your strengths and weaknesses but really at the end of the day you have your make up … may as well make the most it!
Like you Craig my reports read.. she is distracting, talks to much and is outspoken..There was always a deal at school ‘if you represent us in debtaing and sport you can stay’…
today I am still the same but I get paid to focus people, perform and negotiate in meetings.. So what Im not shy .. so grateful for that as I have meet the most amazing people and just tend to wherevery I go.. I realise how this is sounding but in truth the point I am making is we are ‘born’ with different make ups… and just think of the load you take of the shy Craig…
A few OT’s in close proximity to this very location ….
I’ve found the “know it all” is often in the same category as “the over talker”….sometimes also known as the self rated self appointed expert who feels it is their duty to pass on their worldly knowledge for your benefit. Adding value wherever they go….(they should wear a cape)
And just as challenging is for the person who says little but has a lot to say.
I like these 2.
6. Connection with our inner intelligence – greater consciousness, awareness and insight.
7. Spiritual growth – which is why (some) spiritual types spend a great deal of their lives in silence.
Thanks Craig
Yes I know a few of these over talking self promotors.I put it down to low self esteem. We have one that never tires of telling anyone who will listen how wonderful and professional and what a good job she does, while the job doesn’t get done.
Some of these people are so lacking in insight that even being told that they dominate the conversation and talk over people by numerous people they still need to spend hours defending themselves as good communicators!
Its obvious people listen to over talkers they even ‘buy’ there CD”s…
G’day, Mate:
OMG, Craig, we are more similar than I had at first thought. When I was born, I’m told, my tongue was connected to the bottom of my mouth meaning I would be unable to move it, thus talk. The pediatrician merely clipped the flap and the day, as they say. was saved, My father, as I grew older would say that the doctor went too far and my tongue wagged on both ends. I was nicknamed Gabby.
I did chatter a lot. Eventually I found my self before large groups; HS graduation class of 400 plus parents etc., large congregations whilst in the pulpit ministry for a few years, and finally, large university classes until retirement. I don’t recall ever having stage fright. Engagement with Toastmasters was a lark.
As I’ve advanced in years, I’ve retreated in verbosity (I hope) and listen a whole lot more. Suffice, I got a lot out of your ‘sermon’ for today. Keep coming at me, especially with those Aussie-isms that spice up your messages. Tell CJ “Hi” for me.
Until anon, Cheerio from America.
Gary
Those who abraid the most act the least… So easy to be criticial of those who will put themselves out there.
Silence is one of the greatest arts of conversation-GK Chesterton
I have never forgotten that quote. It has served me well because the next best thing to being loved is to be listened to.
Perfect timing with this post, Craig: I’m going for a job interview on Friday and if the past is anything to go by, I’m likely to babble from nervousness.
Does anyone have any techniques which I can use to remind me to listen, answer questions and give relevant information, rather than the usual raving???? I’m desperate!
Wise words Lorwai
Hi Craig,
I love listening to people and I enjoy being listened to. What I have learnt over the years is there are the talkers who have no meaning and the ones who have something meaningful to say.
We all have had times when we need someone to talk to regarding our pain and this can go on for a while. They always say that discussing your problems helps you deal with them.
Over the years I have learnt to stop stepping into situations (social events) to create conversation when there are many that can’t be bothered making an effort. I would rather spend my time amongst bubbly and alive people.
While I agree with the reasons for and signs of overtalking that Craig has listed, I also feel that there are those people who just are bubbly and enthusiastic in conversation. A few people here have called such people know it alls but isn’t that very attitude about others being judgmental and unaccepting. At the end of the day does it really matter if others overtalk? We should set aside our own egos and just accept people as they are while making sure we ourselves do not overtalk. It’s funny – on one hand we want people to be confident and share their knowledge and experience but then on the other we don’t want people to seem clever than or better than us when they share that knowledge…unless they have a certificate, degree or life coach experience.
As someone who is invariably always talking too much I can testify to the negative impact it can have on one’s life. My working days were a continual nightmare for me what with my constant talking about anything and everything that was going on in my life to anyone who would listen. The habit spun more and more out of control and drained me of both physical and mental energy as well as personal confidence. I used to be forced to retreat to my own room in the office just to recover from my exertions. How different it was when I made a conscious effort to listen to others rather than try to dominate conversations. I found I was able to come away feeling so much more relaxed, content and at ease with myself.
I personally feel there should be a balance. Acquiring effective listening skills is most important. It is a skill to be a good listener. Not everyone is even aware they are overtalkers or overscreamers.
When does it become too much and when is it too little.
There is a hairdresser I hate going to, because she talks so loudly. She is verbose and screams and sreeches and it is so stressful, can’t wait to get our of there. It definitely is not the most relaxing place…
I would like to know how do people become aware of their TONE of voice. Obviously certain people are hard of hearing and speak loudly but do you think it is an unconscious “loudness” within themselves that they have to screech and scream at people… it is the most off putting thing.
How does one tactfully make them aware of this…the woman is also extremely large in size, so not only does she talk non stop but “larger than life” noisier and overpowering and overbearing and she wonders why she is single and can’t find a business partner or a nail technician? Who would in their right mind want to spend any amount of hours working in that environment?
I, for the past 2 years have been in an office and close quarters to an over talker. Tolerated the blah blah about his wife, the gossip of around town, how good a truck driver he was (please go back to the truck) etc……repeating himself as if you did not hear him the first 3 times. And then he has to laugh at himself on top of it. And he is loud!!!!! Oh, can’t forget the lies to beef the story up to make it better.
After I found out he was running his mouth outside of work and putting words in my mouth. I stopped listening and talking to him and told him why. I no longer am his audience, they need an audience to survive:)
Harmony in the office, peace and quiet:) He still has Facebook to keep his nosiness going. This is a 52 year old man!!??
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