In 2009 we are indeed a global community infected by disconnection. On many levels and in many ways. And as a planet and as a tribe living on that planet, it’s safe to say that the Disconnection Epidemic is killing us. Or perhaps should I say, we’re killing us. Metaphorically and literally. Just take a look around at the consequences of our global disconnected-ness. You and I live in a time when mankind is hemorrhaging on many levels; physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually and environmentally, and yet despite our condition, we seem to be resistant to learning. We have managed to both progress and regress at the same time. Quite the achievement. It seems that the more educated, informed and equipped we become (as a population), the more selfish, short-sighted, illogical and destructive we become also. For a species which regards itself as the intellectual superior to all others, we have an amazing knack for stupidity and irrational behaviour. I don’t know of any other species that has the ability to wreak havoc on it’s own kind like we Homo Sapiens do. Modern Man; what an ironic term. If only the dolphins were running the show. Not only are we seeing disconnection between individuals in homes, schools and workplaces but also on a much larger scale, between cultures, countries, religions, generations, governments, political groups and so on. And no, I’m not talking about normal healthy ideological, philosophical, theological and political differences here, I’m talking about large-scale attitudes, choices and behaviours that continue to create division, devastation, destruction and mass disconnection.
When I’m the boss of the world, I’ll address it.
That may take a while, so in the mean time… what can you and I do to create a greater level of connection with the inhabitants of our own little cosmos? Of course we probably won’t create a global shift or be the genesis for some kind of cosmic awakening in the next week or two (although… ), but in the interim there’s a bunch of stuff you and I can do to create a much greater level of connection, understanding and harmony with those lucky enough to be in our own personal orbit.
While there are many variables that will impact on and affect the kind of connection we do or don’t create with the people in our own atmosphere, there is no more important “connection tool” than that of effective communication. And as obvious and fundamental as this sounds, it is often our inability to communicate effectively with those in our world (family, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and even strangers) which lies at the core of the disconnected reality that so many of us inhabit. Effective communication happens when we have a genuine desire to connect with people in a meaningful and productive manner. For too many of us, talking regularly equates to neither communication nor connection. Some people want to create a deeper level of communication, understanding and connection, while others simply want to talk at people and massage their ego. Ever seen what happens in parliament? Gold. Talking at people will create disconnection while talking with people will create connection – or at the very least, open the door on a healthier and more productive relationship. One is all about being heard and imposing one’s thoughts, ideas, beliefs and will, while the other is all about listening, understanding, empathising and of course, creating connection.
Here are some no-brainer “connectors”…
Work to build trust and respect. If there’s no trust or respect there can be no real connection. What often appears to be connection is in fact acting and/or manipulation on one person’s part. Simulated rapport I call it. We learn this kind of stuff in basic retail sales training. It’s not connection; it’s role-playing.
Ask the right kind of questions. Ask questions that will generate meaningful dialogue; open-ended questions, not yes-no questions. Ask questions which demonstrate that you’re interested in what the other person has to say.
Work to increase your awareness and to become an active listener. If you are serious about creating connection with someone then give them one hundred percent of your attention in that moment. Yep; all of it. Don’t be anywhere else (mentally). This is not always easy for us as our cerebral landscape tends be a very busy “place”. However, it is a very valuable skill to develop. Do your best to understand the other person’s perspective and thoughtfully consider the intended meaning of their words. Don’t be like many who simply wait for a gap in proceedings to launch their own self-indulgent monologue. As a general rule, listen more than you speak.
Read the non-verbal communication. In any conversation, the words are only part of the message and sometimes, a small part. What people don’t say will often tell you more than what they do. Listen with your eyes as well as your ears.
Speak their language. All the talking in the world will result in zero connection if you’re both speaking different languages. And we see this all the time; the boss and the employee, the mother and daughter, the teacher and the student, the tech-dude (Johnny) and the non-tech-dude (me). Lots of words but no understanding, no connection and no positive outcome. While most of us understand English, we all speak our own “language”. What will motivate one person will intimidate another. What will make me laugh will offend my neighbour. What will make complete sense to you could be totally confusing to your parents (think computer). Know who you’re talking with and learn their language if it’s connection you’re after.
Acknowledge their feelings. You don’t need to agree with people to understand them, to respect their point of view or to create genuine connection. Having the same philosphy on everything is not a pre-requisite for connection; if it was, we’d all be in a bunch of trouble.
The disconnection chat, is indeed a much bigger one than the mere morsel I’ve given you to chew on today. It is something that impacts on virtually every area of the human experience (great and small), and something that I believe needs to be addressed in a practical, humble and honest fashion if we are serious about undoing some of the damage we’re living in today. One individual can’t save six billion, neither can she change the mind of the global power brokers or single handedly steer the S.S.Humanity. However, when enough individuals get together, the few become many and we begin to see a shift in power and a practical, positive consequence in our physical world. That is, real change. So if you’ve been impacted by disconnection on any level (and welcome to the club), my suggestion for you is, rather than allowing yourself to be a victim of disconnection (yep, it’s a choice), work to become a connector. Genuine transformation and connection works from the inside-out and today (like every day) is an opportunity for you to become part of the solution, rather than a perpetuator of the problem.
Every day I choose to create connection and to be part of the solution because I have that choice and that power. I encourage you to join me.
As always, love your thoughts. Yep, even you Hesitators and Lurkers. Go on….
Ciao x
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
You could blame the internet for this Craig. Whilst not a scapegoat, there is no doubt it has been a communication media where we don’t really communicate with each other, barring this blog of course
I lost one of my best friends and potential life partner because of miscommunication. I wish I had seen those words of wisdom on your blog earlier.
I also think there is one word that sums up what you might be saying Craig – empathy for others, which does not imply agreeing or supporting, but understanding, or even admitting you don’t understand when it’s a criminal act for example, why others do what they do. Once you see their point of view, without always changing yours, then you can communicate with them.
It’s a tall order Craig but I’ll certainly take up your views on this one, have in the past.
Craig
My view on disconnect actually extends wider. I think it has extended to the upbringing of kids. Years ago everyone had an uncle Bob or aunty Ursula, (not necessarily family but close friends anyway). I have seen some of this disappear over the years, very unfortunate. These people I believe contributed to the upbringing of children in such a big way because sometimes our children need to hear our messages or variants of them from someone other than us.
I am very grateful my kids have extras around them like, aunties, uncles, step dads, sports clubs etc etc….It has all contributed to the community that has helped raise my kids. (And I have had some healthy influence as well I think)
I am also a big part of a sports club that I refer to sometimes as Uncle Bob for all the people that are part of that family.
We can’t do it all ourselves, connected people create communities and this we need more of.
Hey Craig,
Great post today,
I have been guilty of listening only to myself speak and I saw my personal relationships flounder because of it, in my case it was nerves most of the time, I used to prattle on to fill in the blanks so to speak but that just made it worse lol. These days I am a much quieter and confident person. I enjoy hearing others stories.
I also feel that in today’s society the disconnection comes from the styles of communications of today, when I was a kid (I am 34yrs young) we had to either ring each other or talk face to face, or you could wait for the mail man ha ha ha lol, if we wanted to talk we actually had to and we could tell from body language and voice tone so much of the conversation. Text messages and email do not have those qualities and can lead to easy confusion and also fake intimacy where you will say things via electronic means that you would never say face to face (a good and bad thing I guess).
We seem to be loosing the art of talking to each other, I email my friend across the road more than I talk to her in person, we are both busy but I find it sad. I also wave to the old man up the street every morning as he has his walk when I drop my Husband at the station to go to work, maybe I should stop one day (in all my glory, lady bettle dressing gown on, hair everywhere, I get up at the last minute lol) and ask him to come over for morning tea with myself and Miss 4 & Mr 2, who knows maybe he is just waiting for someone to ask him his story.
My Mum died 2 weeks ago yesterday and I have spent the last two weeks in that land, finally looking in the mirror and seeing the adult I have become, Mum has moved on, she taught me well and now it is my turn to teach my kids. It is one of lifes events that has crystallised many things for me.
Let us make this world a place a lot more like I remember as a kid, it wasnt perfect, we still had our issues but man did we laugh and talk and roll around on the grass and know everyone is the street and their stories good and bad lol.
Life is short, live it, love it, slide in sideways at the end yelling woo hoo.
Sorry Craig that was long, now what was that you were saying about letting others speak…oh yeah……lol
Have an excellent day all.
Love Mel
Blue Mountains NSW
Craig, let people be who they want to be. If that grates me, then there is something within me that needs attention. Why am I feeling the disconnect? Why should I live by dos and don’ts? Will that not create conflict about who I should be? Why not just be content with who I am? Why not be content with eliminating potential sources of conflict, such as “I should say this” or “I should listen to that” to be a sensitive person? How can I live and react spontaneously and intuitively, if I am running a constant juggling act in my head about what I should or shouldn’t do or be? Perhaps if I analyse any thought, belief or action to devoid my being of conflict, then I am truly listening, truly aware of the present moment, no matter what egotistical dance is taking place in my vicinity. The noise is part of me, I must allow it…not be consumed by it…then I hear the roar of the heavens!
Hi Craig,
Great post. Your bit about talking at, rather than with, others resonated with me. Hit a nerve there.
Guilty. I know I talk at my son. I need to be better at talking his language. It seems to me I’m always telling him instead of letting him go, and listening to him with my eyes! At 2 and a half years old, he doesn’t have a huge vocabulary, but I’m sure he still has a story to tell!
And, in our day-to-day life, I know hubby and I probably talk at eachother. Hmm, time to reconnect methinks!
I guess it goes with the pace of society now. Everyone is time-poor, so quality communication gets shaved down to the “bare minimum”. We are poorer for it. If we don’t make time for our loved-ones, what do we have?
Have a nice Monday.
Em
( ) x
Craig,
I really love this article. We have more opportunity to communicate and interact with a greater number of people globally than any other time on Earth and yet we see increasing polarization and disconnect. Personally, I believe that the rapidity of information and stimulus due to an increasingly technologically dependent world creates a desire to disconnect from information overload. At the same time it feeds a discontent to have more , better , faster. We keep grasping at new sensations to feel satisfied and none of it lasts longer than a nanosecond before we are on to the next.
To better communicate I would add ; Slow Down. Take the time needed to actually take in and grasp what the other person is
saying. Drop the ego long enough to hear what is being said rather than formulating how to respond.
We have enormous potential right now to be able to break through previous barriers of distance, culture, language. It is exciting to be able to communicate globally on an instantaneous level.
The basics still apply.
Thanks for this
Craig,
Here is a key question. How do we find the right balance between online life and offline life? Physical connection and virtual connection? It’s not as though we can expect the draw of online existence to disappear from our global culture. If we can’t resist it then we have to find some way to ride the wave of change gracefully. I am not sure how this will happen but certainly the fate of human beings is now tied to these conundrums. I think one important thing to keep in mind is that time is deceptive. The Internet is only 15 years young, so perhaps we need to give it a little time. We may find that things come back around full circle so that the Internet, in the end, is essential to a new type of satisfying human connection. Right now things seem very much in a transitional state. The future remains hard to see. I keep my fingers crossed.
Thanks for your excellent commentary and work,
Paul Crik
Hi Craig,
I was born where “disconnection” already exist. So true as I quote you “we live in a time when mankind is hemorrhaging on many levels; physically, emotionally, socially, spiritually and environmentally, and yet despite our condition, we seem to be resistant to learning.” but in contrast, we are now in a century where high- end technologies surround us. Nothing is impossible. Life became easier and more convenient. We are now connected to development if we are open and ready to embrace the changes.
I will bookmark this website for future reference. Keep it up!
Mel – your mum hasn’t moved on, she’s just gone to where my mum went last year and all pets and people are, that’s what i believe anyway.
Your point Mel in the first paragraph is wonderful, that has helped me manage what has gone in my life, that is, I used to prattle on and fill in the blanks, disconnected from other’s views and myself not listening. Hence I am not over my loss (if it is that) of the person I would have at a minimum liked to have been friends with.
Littlejohn, great comments again from you. The issue for me is, there are shoulds or should nots in this world. I can’t shake the ‘i shoulds. I hope i do one day.
And Paul, yes give the internet time, I meet a lot of people professionally and socially off the internet is but a medium of communication. Disconnection seems to come from humans, not machines (again my view).
How bizarre! My bestfriend and I were having a conversation about this last night.
Half of the problem is that we live in a very time poor society and the other half is people are just too lazy. The internet/sms has certainly helped people become lazier in communication. We had a kindy meetup today and one Mum is adding me to her facebook and going to sms about catching up. What happened to the phone where humans speak to one another? I so miss it. Luckily my bestie and I feel the same and chatted for 2hrs on the phone.
Craig for President of the World. You would get my vote on the proviso that all this stuff gets taught at schools so the next generation grows up with a much more positive well balanced self esteem. I reckon it is more important to teach kids about looking after themselves andeach other than all the history in the world.
( )
Jac
An ex employer told me, “you have 2 ears and 1 mouth. Use them in that ratio.”
Great post as always Craig. This is something I must act on here at home at the very least.
Full marks for this post, Craig. I read all of your posts and enjoy them, but this one has moved me to reply. Excellent!
Hi Everyone. Sorry I couldn’t answer any questions or explore your comments today… kinda busy but as always, read and appreciated your thoughts…
Hey Craig !
Lagging behind here… been kinda busy myself… but wanted to comment anyway… just briefly. I’ve spent over 30 years trying to create communication with someone who seems to believe that yes and no are the answers to whatever topic I come up with… and generally they’re used inappropriately even if a yes or no would be adequate ! When he was working, I used to ask how his day had been, only to be told there was no point in talking about it because I wouldn’t understand. I ask how he went at golf… the response is usually one word… s**t ! Doesn’t matter what type of conversation I try to draw him into, I barely get a word out of him. Yet put him in a room with his “mates” and his voice is heard above all the others. Sometimes I think it’s time to give up………
{{HUG}}
Tina
My ex-husband didn’t communicate with me .. there was a massive disconnection. So eventually I disconnected too. Him. From my life. Permanently.
The moral? I may not be able to control whether there’s a disconnection or not within individual circumstances or relationships, but I sure as hell CAN control whether I’ll keep putting energy into it or whether I’ll move on.
Because what this community (both online and through RYL) has shown me is that there ARE still plenty of people willing to connect and listen and support. And they’re where I’d rather put my energy.
Suz (Sydney)
Hey Craig, great post there,
You have made a great point here, & plus I’ll admit I have been a huge vitim to disconnecting with people lately. However a lot has happened to me recently in my life so this is proberly the reason why.
But I have noticed that recently I have become a better listener, and this has had a major beinifit to my friendships. I also believe if your a good listener it also helps to build trust in relationship you have with people. This is what has definately happened to me
Craig, thank you for such heart-felt post. I agree with everything you said, this disconnection had turned people into isolated individuals… only to lead to more hostile behaviors we have with everything around us. Simultaneously, the deep yearn for connection is still there, consciously and subconsciously driving our [destructive] behavior because we don’t realize it and then choose to connect. Instead, we completely miss the point and choose to gain more control, more power, more everything in order to defend our poor isolated self…
There were some writings and research into another aspect – the science of touch… as a subcategory of connection, we are seriously lacking also — genuine and sincere touch that is. That can make a nice follow-up topic to this post, yes?
- Kin