Talking vs. Communicating

Lessons From Big AlIn my second year of high school I had a teacher named Mr Ryan. I went to an all boys college and us blokes called him ‘Big Al’. While other teachers would reprimand us if we even dared use their first name, Big Al seemed to revel in our respect and affection for him. He was my all-time fave teacher and was universally loved. By us students anyway. Interestingly, for a teacher he wasn’t particularly academic. Or even very articulate. He often wuddled his mords. I mean, muddled his words. He always got the job done but his methodology was different to that of his counterparts. His teaching style was… no style. But it worked very well. He was the only teacher that my buddies and I actually wanted to be around and wanted to work for. He had a skill of balancing work and play; what we had to do (academically) with what we wanted to do (be teenage boys).

Rules SchmulesBeing a private boys college, we were subjected to an inordinate amount of rules, regulations, standards and codes of conduct. Unlike his uptight, stuffy, by-the-book colleagues, Big Al viewed the rules as… open to interpretation. Somewhat restrictive perhaps. Within reason, he allowed us to express ourselves. We loved that about him. It was his flexibility, his normality and his communication style which connected him to us stinky teenage boys.

Talking to, not atWhile all the other teachers lectured us, Big Al spoke to us and with us. He understood how us teenage boys were wired and he tapped into that. He was still the boss, but he spoke our language. And because we liked him, we didn’t want to disappoint him, so our schoolwork actually improved. The irony being that some of the most educated, academic and articulate teachers at my school, were the worst communicators. Plenty of talk but no communication. Their attitudes, their personalities and their teaching style got in the way of our learning and development. And any meaningful communication. Many of them had no idea how to connect with, interact with or even hold a normal conversation with us teenage boys. And if you’re teaching at an all boys school, you’d think that ability to communicate might be a desirable, if not prerequisite, skill. Call me wacky.

Without doubt, the most important day-to-day life skill is communication but the crazy thing is that many people who should be connecting, teaching, directing, motivating, encouraging and leading on a daily basis (that includes you and me) are horrible communicators. Who cares if you’ve got an I.Q. of three hundred and a PhD. in everything, if you can’t communicate effectively with your audience, team, employees, family, partner.. etc.

Back to Big AlWhen class was finished and the official stuff was done Big Al would hang around and talk to us boys about anything and everything; sport, girls, career, parents, cars… life. He didn’t simply clock on and off. Before he became a teacher, he was was a cop. He had seen plenty and done plenty and while he wasn’t as academic as most teachers, in many ways he was much more educated. He understood people. He knew how to create rapport, trust and understanding. He knew how to engage people. He knew how to read people. He knew how to build relationships. He knew when to be tough and when to have fun. He knew when to talk and when to be quiet. He knew that talking a lot didn’t necessarily translate to effective or meaningful communication and teaching. He understood how to get the most out of us teenage boys because he knew our language. He spoke with us, not at us.

Over the years I have thought about Big Al often. And while I appreciate what he endeavoured to teach me about geography and biology (sorry Big Al, I forget it all), what I really appreciate is what he unintentionally and unknowingly taught me about communication.

A Summary of What I Learned From Big Al…1. Talking ain’t necessarily communicating or connecting. Some people have a gift for alienating, confusing and intimidating people. They disconnect far more than they connect. Every day I ask myself this question ten times… “how do I need to communicate with this person, in this situation to create connection, understanding and a positive outcome?”2. Sometimes listening is the best way of communicating. What we don’t say often has the most impact in a situation. We don’t need to speak to convey a message, change a situation, make a point or have an impact. Sadly, too many people have verbal diarrhea and love the sound of their own voice. Like any other skill we need to work at it. It’s amazing that many of us will enrol in a course to learn how to build a website, start a small business or massage a body… but we won’t consciously and methodically work at becoming more effective communicators.

4. Speaking perfect Chinese to someone who’s from Italy is a waste of time. Kind of amusing to watch… but ultimately pointless. Effective communication is not about how articulate we are, it’s about whether or not we’re speaking the right language. Just because you and I speak English doesn’t necessarily mean we speak the same language or we’re communicating effectively.

3. To be able to consistently create rapport, understanding and connection we must consciously and practically develop our communication skills.

5. Learning to make others feel good (important, valued, loved, wanted) ain’t the worst communication strategy! Some people have an amazing ability to turn every conversation into a monologue about themselves and their fabulousness (a word). If you know how to make people feel valued (etc.), you’ll have connection and you’ll have their attention. “Tell me again how good I am Craig….”

So Big Al… If you’re still about and you happen across this article, I just want you to know that I didn’t end up in the big house making number plates, I haven’t killed anyone (recently), I still haven’t figured girls out and you made a big difference in my life by speaking my language.

Thanks Mr. Ryan.

Leave a comment or tell me about your ‘Big Al’ by clicking on the comment thingy.

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