Simulated Relationships

Hi Guys, CJ here. Long time, no chat. Hope you’re being good. If not, good at it. He with the biceps and short hair is having a day off.

Mr Grumpy?

The other day I had a conversation with a bloke who said he was a little frustrated with all the ‘bullshit relationships’ in his life. Not having heard the term before, I had to ask: “What’s a bullshit relationship?” He is accustomed to having to explain things to me. Often very slowly. Sometimes more than once.

So, I learnt that (in his world) the term relates to a relationship that we find ourselves in purely as a result of our situation or environment. It’s not that there is anything necessarily wrong with the other person; they are just not someone with whom we would normally choose to spend vast amounts (or perhaps any) of our leisure time. Nevertheless, we do so because we are expected to – and, of course, we don’t want to be unfriendly or hurt anyone’s feelings. So we go through the motions of regular superficial interactions. These relationships can last for years or even decades but as a rule, they never develop beyond the perfunctory level.

Well, I thought, isn’t that just called being nice? Isn’t that a normal part of life? I wanted to suggest that perhaps he was becoming a Grumpy Old Man but I thought better of it. He is The Master when it comes to witty comebacks whereas I am The Apprentice who is limited to: ‘I’ll text you my clever response when I think of it– probably in September’. Yeah, I know; not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Social Niceties

Of course, it’s natural to have different levels of intimacy with the various people who come into our lives. We might discuss the weather with Stu the Butcher but we wouldn’t tell him about our new boob job – although it’s probably self-evident anyway. We might like and respect our co-workers and perhaps choose to become friends with some of them but mostly we’ll maintain a professional distance.

At the other end of the spectrum are the people we love – and love to be with. They are our close friends (new or old); the ones with whom we can completely be ourselves. We are sincerely interested in their lives and they are interested in ours. They know everything about us (okay, almost everything) and they love us anyway. It’s pretty cool.

According to my friend’s (pseudo) theory on social psychology and behaviour, somewhere in the middle (of the above groups) are those who fall into the ‘bullshit relationship’ category. Perhaps they are the partners of our close friends. Or maybe relatives with whom we feel obliged to socialise. They could be the parents of our children’s friends or members of a church or organisation to which we belong. We may have known them since we were four years old but it does not necessarily mean that we really know them. We could have been having the same, superficial, sugar-coated ‘How was your week?’ conversation every Sunday for the past twenty years. Or longer. We know that they don’t really want to hear about our week so we don’t tell them. It’s like an unspoken social contract. ‘Simulated conversation’ I call it.

So, What’s Wrong With Bullshit Relationships?

But surely there is nothing wrong with that? Surely, it’s okay to not want everyone to become our close friend? Not everyone will click with us or want to be our bestie anyway. In fact, around ten percent of people won’t like us at all. Yep. Really. I read it somewhere so it must be true. And now you’ve read it too. So there. And they don’t need a legitimate reason for not liking us either. That’s depressing. Perhaps we remind them of that annoying girl at school who always smelled of stale oranges. Or maybe there’s just an indefinable something about us that irritates them. In the past (okay, last week) there have been some individuals who didn’t like me. Shocking, I know.  It doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with them, it just means that I’m not their cup of tea. And that’s okay. Really. I just need to buy a dozen eggs and find out where they live …

Having some superficial ‘duty’ relationships is arguably an unavoidable part of life. Sometimes, however, the upkeep of such relationships can begin to have a negative impact on us. Our time and emotional energy are finite so perhaps we need to be a little prudent about where we invest them? If we are career ‘people-pleasers’, so often we can find ourselves chasing our tails placating the people with whom we feel (for whatever reason) obligated to interact whilst simultaneously neglecting the people we love. Weird I know.

Freedom of Choice

When we were kids, our choice of friends was based largely on age, geography and situations. We may have bonded with our new best friend because our mothers were friends or because we were in the same preschool class and we shared a common interest in fingerpainting and picking our noses (occasionally at the same time).

As we become older, we are allowed to choose our own friends. Unless we are in prison, we have the luxury of selecting with whom we spend our leisure time. Which is a good reason to stay out of prison. Like we needed another reason. Ultimately we are all the Human Relations Managers of Us Incorporated and it is our job to do the hiring and firing to ensure the overall health and happiness of the company.

Although we are all grown up now (maybe not him-dot-com), many of us still feel compelled to be the accommodating, conflict-avoiding, people-pleasing, agreeable and helpful person that we have always been. Maybe sometimes we need to be a little more selective and discerning. To let go of the ‘shoulds’ and start choosing how and where we invest our time and emotional energy.

Do It Anyway

If we find a way to overcome this (people-pleasing) fear and let some of our obligatory relationships go, we may become more available to the people who genuinely love us. Our real friendships may deepen because we would have more time to return phone calls, catch up over coffee or just hang out together. We may also find ourselves more open to developing new friendships. If we are stretched to the limit dutifully and joylessly fulfilling the requirements of our obligatory friendships, perhaps we’ll miss the opportunity to develop some amazing new ones. And that would be sad. Take it from a girl who spent decades playing roles in simulated relationships.

And you think Sandra Bullock can act. Pfft.

The Facebook Cull

My friend Daniel recently sent a message to my Facebook page which said: ‘If you can read this, you have survived my Facebook friends cull’. Just as well, Daniel, I thought, or you’d soon be finding a bunny boiling in a pot on your stove. Then again, probably not. I hate cooking.

Although we may not be as blunt brave as Daniel, perhaps we could begin to stick up for ourselves a little more. To be able to say “No, thanks” when we need to. Maybe then we might just be able to free ourselves from that big people-pleasing ball of resentment that lives within us. You know, the one that sometimes makes its presence felt in headaches, overeating, sleeplessness or a general state of piss-off-ed-ness (a psychological term). Or maybe that’s just me.

So …

Do you have any relationships that might be past their use-by date? Or have you adopted a policy of spending your spare time only with those people whose company you enjoy? If you were to make a decision to implement a cull, how would you go about it? As always, looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

CJ xox

Love this article? Sign up for my FREE Email Newsletter today to receive more articles like this, and my FREE Ebook!

Post Footer automatically generated by Add Post Footer Plugin for wordpress.