People Pleasers

Dear People Pleaser,

Hi. It’s your loving alter ego here; the antithesis of your very accommodating self. Your polar opposite. The one who’s happy to offend, speak the truth and step on a multitude of toes. So how are you? Actually, don’t answer that. I already know; frustrated, sad, lonely, unfulfilled and at times anxious and confused. That’s why I’m here. I know I scare you a little, but too bad. I’m the only one who really understands you and knows what’s going on.

Anyway, I’ve been watching you and that big dumb, rude, ignorant, arrogant, self-indulgent, self-righteous, sexist, lazy-ass husband of yours for quite a while now (wow, that feels better) and I gotta tell you, he’s definitely got the better side of the whole marriage deal. I know that I’m the unwelcome, black sheep of the relationship and he doesn’t enjoy my company but seriously, you and I need to talk. I know I make you uncomfortable and a little nervous but it’s only because you know I’m speaking the truth. You ignore me at your own peril.

I’ve also been watching you at work with your colleagues and socially with your friends. What is it with you and the ‘keeping-everyone-happy’ thing? That’s gotta be kind of exhausting and humiliating yeah? Don’t you get a little tired of trying to be the uber pleaser? It’s probably a good thing that you don’t let me out because sometimes when your boss speaks to you that way (you know the way) I wanna staple his eyelids to his forehead. And then hurt him a bit more. And as for your ‘girlfriends’ who are always telling you what to do, when to do it and how to do it, could I please have ten minutes alone with them? I’ll be gentle. Mostly.

I know that you like being nice and we all know that it’s nice to be nice, but honestly you may wanna back off a little; you’ve pretty much nailed the nice-ness thing. It’s kinda tragic and at times, disturbing. For me, who’s the hidden part of you, it kills me to see you compromising yourself every day. Or is it our self? Hmm. Sometimes ‘nice’ is stupid. Sometimes ‘nice’ is destructive. I understand how important it is for you to be liked, loved and accepted but the irony is that in trying to be everything for everybody, you seem to be losing you. That young hopeful, excited, independent woman I grew up with has disappeared and it makes me a little sad.

I understand that you don’t want to make waves, step on toes, hurt feelings, bother anyone, get in the way or cause trouble, but you have to understand that some people will get grumpy, bothered and upset no matter what because that’s just what they do. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how hard you try or what you do because it’s not about you, it’s about them.

However, you do contribute to the problem.

People walk all over you because you’ve been walking around for about twenty years with a big sign on your head that says ‘doormat’. They treat you badly because you let them. Maybe people like you but they certainly don’t respect you. They see you as weak and someone who can be controlled. I hate this. It hurts me to see them do that to you. By not having a voice or an opinion, by not standing up for yourself, you are inadvertently telling people “it’s okay for you to treat me badly”. And to be honest, I’m kinda sick of it. I know you are too because I see the tears when nobody is around. I know what you think and feel and I know that you pretend it’s all okay. Well listen up girly…

It’s NOT okay!!

Stop making excuses for people’s bad behaviour and stop living a life of compromise. Sometimes people don’t need more understanding or tolerance, sometimes they need an ass-kicking… and if I have my way, I will be kicking some asses soon.

It’s time you shared some of those thoughts and feelings. You know the ones; the ones you have every day of your life. The ones you try to ignore; the ones where you feel under-valued, unappreciated, unfulfilled, frustrated and abused. And maybe sometimes you should get a little crazy and say “no” to someone (I’ll help). Go on, I dare ya! You may find it liberating. Perhaps you should look after you for a change. There’s an idea.

I’m not saying be selfish or inconsiderate, I’m saying look after you. Simple.

Being the poster girl for compliance is great for everyone around you, not so good for you. It’s gonna kill you. Maybe not literally, but emotionally, psychologically and creatively, you will continue to die a little bit more each day. You know that. You’ve known it for a long time.

As I said, it’s nice to be nice (to a point) but maybe now and then, instead of trying to be so nice, you should try being you; the real you. Not the actress desperately trying to keep everyone happy at the expense of your own happiness. You might like the real you. You might learn a little about yourself. You might surprise yourself to learn how strong you are and what you can achieve when you deal with your fears head on.

Imagine living your own fulfilling, amazing life, learning, developing and achieving as a gifted person in your own right, rather than being a personal slave and under-appreciated accessory for your husband. Just a thought. Marriage is meant to be a loving partnership, not a dictatorship. Maybe you should point that out to Mr. Potato Head. (Sorry, I know you love him but he annoys me). Imagine actually telling your boss what you think. Or better still, imagine having no boss because you have your own business; the one you’ve dreamt about for twenty years.

You know that you’re actually kinda smart and talented right? Well maybe you should do something about that. I remember when you were a little girl you wanted to be a writer, singer, dancer and performer and a million other things. You had so many ideas and dreams, so much hope and ambition; now your only goal is to survive each day and to not make waves. I am going to help you find that little girl again.

Tell Mr. Potato Head I’ll be over for dinner.