A Lesson in Aisle 8
What is it with me and supermarkets? I always (okay semi-regularly) find myself in the middle of some kind of totally unplanned, abstract life-lesson in the most ridiculous of locations. This time it was the long-life milk section; aisle 8 next to the Tupperware (type) stuff. Yep, it happened again today when I headed down the street to pick up a few staples and I bumped into a lady that I trained about fifteen years ago. For the first five minutes of the conversation I didn’t even know where I knew her from, let-alone what her name was. Then when I did figure out who she was (an old client), I spent another five minutes fossicking through the cerebral abyss that is my mind, for her name. To no avail. Fortunately she gave it to me as she relayed one of her many stories.
This Milk is Getting Heavy
It’s fair to say this lady has had a dramatic and tragic decade or so, and lucky Craig was given a blow by blow description of the vast majority of it. I even put my milk back on the shelf after the second divorce story. Which was just before the bankruptcy story. And way after the “I nearly died from a post-operative infection” story. That was a belter. And let’s not even mention the ugly family feud that has seen her become an outcast of her own clan… story. Oh the joy of family. In the forty five minutes(!!!) we (er, she) chatted, she didn’t ask me one question about me. Not one. Potentially traumatic for an only child. And in case you’re wondering, no, she doesn’t know that this site exists, so I doubt she’ll stumble across this literary masterpiece any time soon. And if she does, she won’t be offended.
I…er…aah…pfft..
As she wheeled out one tragic story after another, I began to feel somewhat inept as I didn’t really know what to say. It seemed like any words would have been inadequate, so I just listened intently, nodded, maintained eye contact and occasionally came out with some profound personal development gems like “wow” and “gee, that must have been horrible”. Oh yes, that’s why I get the big bucks. Have you ever felt like that? You know, when someone’s life has been so challenging and their story so tragic, that you almost feel it’s inappropriate to be Mr/Mrs Positivity? In that moment I was compelled to say nothing. A new experience for me. I was compelled to not be the ‘Fixer’ for once. It almost killed me to not be the solution guy but my feminine self (oh yes, she’s there) said “shut up you big alpha-male dickhead and just listen for once.” And who am I to argue with a woman?
So that’s what I did; listen. And listen. And listen.
The Dud
As we parted company we shared a brief hug and I wished her well. I had spoken twenty words and she had spoken twenty thousand. To be honest, I felt like a bit of a dud as I walked away. Considering what I do for a living, I thought I could have done more… but as I said earlier, I didn’t want to piss off you-know-who.
As I walked up to the register, I was wondering how I could have been more helpful and made that conversation more ‘productive’. I honestly felt like I had let her down in some way. A few minutes later I was walking to the car park, groceries in hand and still deep in thought when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
A Time to Say Nothing
“I just wanted to say thanks Craig, I really appreciate you spending some time with me and listening to my crap. I know you didn’t need to. You are an amazing listener and I feel so positive and uplifted after chatting with you. Somehow I feel stronger and more motivated, so thanks again.” I was speechless. I had honestly said nothing of value.
But then it wasn’t really about what I had to say, was it?
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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Craig,
Yes, sometimes it is better just to listen as often people don’t want answers they just need to talk and often that is enough to give them the answers. You should feel very good and she was lucky to have met you!!!
Hugs for being you!!
Chelle xxx
WOW! Going back to the comment I made on Friday about not knowing what to say when someone is clearly suffering intense emotional pain – just being there, and listening can really be of help. Possibly a lot more than you’d ever realise. Like you said, you said all of a dozen or so words and felt ‘helpless’, ‘inadequate’, and almost guilty for not being able to do/say more. Seems the roles are reversed today, Coach Craig. You learned something. Good for you. You don’t always have to ‘fix stuff’ for others. Yes I know, you are a grasshopper too, like us – a student of life.
Craig, how great was it that the lady came up to you afterwards and said thanks for listening. How often are we in that fix it mode when we aren’t really listening to the other person because we are too busy listening to our own mind chatter that wants to tell the other person how to fix or stop doing whatever it is that causes their problem. Often that is how we escape our own problems, by fixating on the problems of others. The world needs more good listeners. Good thing she couldn’t read your mind as you were listening to her. Have a glorious day. Thanks for listening.
I hear you on this Craig. And you’re right – don’t argue with a woman.
You gave a lot to that lady; it was more than listening to her. You gave her your attention and just by doing that shows caring. That you didn’t interrupt her gave her space. Having nothing to say but your few words is absolutely of great value. More is not better. Good for you; I bet you really did make a difference.
Ah Craig…
It is a well known fact and proven, (by you very recently) that most women dont want you to fix it (the male thing to do ) they just want you to listen.xx
Oooee, no comments yet. I feel lonely here all by myself (though I know for sure that won’t be for long).
My thoughts – supermarkets are definetely great places for social connection but Craig, they are like magnets for life lessons for you!! I’m glad you listened and listened ….you did better than those of us who are 100% of ‘the feminine’. In fact I think you put us to shame – you did not interrupt, nor make up excuses to leave, nor come up with some false appt you had just rememembered you were late for.
In these time rushed times, that is sadly what a lot of people might have been tempted to do. I know I would have listened for awhile, tried to commisserate and also would have felt genuine sympathy and concern, BUT…. perhaps not lasted the 45 mins….of ‘just listening’.
I think that most of all you gave that woman the gift of your time – something we are rarely ready to share in an impromtu situation like yours.
You worked your magic without a word – yes, us females appreciate a ‘listening heart’.
Have a great day,
Mon ( )
Sometimes all we need someone to just LISTEN, not give half hearted answers, just listen. Although after that long…45mins… ahh.. I would have drifted off into my own twisted mind. You really are a gem Craig, and that lady clearly needed someone to off load on. Have a great day.
TinaQ
Thanks Chelle
Yep, I’m always learning Jules…
( )
You’re welcome Patricia – happy to listen!
Thanks Laurie… ( )
Is that ‘the’ Narnie?
I’m honoured.
However… you do know I’m built to fix stuff right?
( )
Not quite first Mon – when you took a peek at the comments the others hadn’t been published… but now they have! And you too.
Thanks for your kind words
I think 45 mins was my threshold TinaQ!
( )
What a fabulous insight for you Craig. When its our ‘job’ to ‘fix’ we often overlook the amazing value of doing ‘nothing’.
What a wonderful gift you gave her.
OK Harpie, recently, you wrote a post about negative whiners who want to burden the whole wide world with their negative whining.
Boo hoo, woe is me, nay nay nay. That sort of thing. You told us to give them a wide berth.
Could you please define the difference between those people, and this woman you encountered at the dairy cabinet.
I am officially confused.
Cheers Nicole…
Good question Kitty.
I think we need to make a judgement call as to whether the person we’re chatting with is an attention seeking, career whiner or someone who genuinely needs a little unconditional care.
And no, we won’t always get it right – it’s not always easy to separate the two. I’ve been trapped many times… but far less these days.
I just don’t know which way to go on this one! Do I give you shit about you actually being reduced to linguistic doozies like “wow” and “gee, that must have been horrible”? Or do I give you shit about how even when you don’t try to be a star, you’re still a star .. and were completely oblivious to your stardom?? (Noting, of course, that it was the female you that was actually the star here!)
I’ll have to get back to you. And no, I’m not gender competitive. Much.
But I do have to say, for someone who likes to lift heavy things, I’m disappointed that the wee li’l carton of milk got a bit much for you!
Suz (Sydney) ;-P
Yeah but did I mention that it was a fifty litre carton of milk Suz?
That’s right; alpha-male.
Never let the facts get in the way…
Oh I know this one, I know it!!!
I spent Saturday and Sunday in a very similar predicament. I shared a ride with a buddy to a hen’s night in Akaroa, about and hour and a half away from where we live.
All the way there and all the way back (3 hours just in case you are no good at maths) I heard about her situation with a psychopathic ex husband and the dramas unfolding in the family court regarding custody and his ability to be around a 2 year old child unsupervised. Unfortunately in our extremely overly politically correct days, the bugger does get the child three times a week and every time it is a mindstuff for my buddy as she is constantly in fear for the safety of her child.
I listened and listened, at first I would offer the odd idea or opinion but after a bit I just listened. I was emotionally exhausted by the end of it and we said your goodbyes, to meet up again soon. Yesterday a niggle in the back of my subconcious mind made me call her mother and let her know that I was a bit worried about her maybe being on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Her mother said that funnily enough, after dropping me off she had gone around to her parent’s place and told them what a fantastic friend I am and the only one who understands her.
So, as you and I have learned and which has been the quote on my blog header for nearly a year and a half now:
Sometimes one creates a dynamic impression by saying something, and sometimes one creates as significant an impression by remaining silent – Dalai Lama.
Oh that was me Jewels/Jules2 or whatever we are calling me these days!!
wooooooooo that's powerful. I do agree with what Kitty said.. but there are ppl that whinge & even if you listen, they don't give a rats whether you listened or not. Then there's folk like this woman, that really got something out of being listened to. Ok.. it's hard to tell at the time whether they're a waffler or a geniune case, but it depends on what "time" you've got on your hands to work that one out. Option B is give them a Card & say you left the tap running at home, gotta go.
I feel so many ppl these days are trying too hard to be Hero's … we want to be the one "with the answers". Any time my sis, complains & I give answers, she gets FURIOUS! As per yr story Craig, she just wants to talk about the disasters in her life. Not fix them. Just tell the story. Share the pain. Not fix how she's feeling – but share emotion.
Think of the opposite – when you get off an exciting ride at the show, you can't bring someone to that excitement immediately. You tell them how it started, what happened when you got to the top & how your stomach flipped when you got turned upside down! It's a story of emotion – and it's something you share.
My remedy lately is asking questions instead of giving answers. eg "what did you do after that" or "how did you feel that night". In that way, I'm not helping or giving answers, but I'm prompting movement for the disaster to take direction (to clarity). After reading your post, I'm also going to try-on listening without trying to 'do' or 'be' anything. In other words, I won't "try". I'll just give my ears. And attention.
Lately I've asked friends when they were younger & a sibling received praise for doing something, how did they feel? .. Some admitted jealousy + they craved that attention…… Later in life, when a friend has a problem & someone else fixes it FIRST, do we feel that same jealousy – should WE have got in first & received the praise? Do we still crave that attention as adults? Are we in too much of a hurry to be "winners" with advice? "oh thank you so much for the answer – you're amazing".
The woman that returned to you Craig & said thanks was incredible. I say thanks every day (or to Superiors if it's a workplace) .. on the phone, at a shop, even restaurants if a waiter acknowledges our (messy) children! People deserve to be given a big THANKS just for being there.
As long as they're not punching you in the stomach or don't have a gun to your head, we should be thankful for every day and every person that is in front of us – for we're in the lucky country, huh?
Good on you Craig.
and THANKS for being there.
Hugs, Vicki xox
Hi Craig,
Have been reading & enjoying your blog for simply ages and am finally coming out with a comment! Many years ago when I joined AA I came across these words of wisdom and thought I'd share them with you, as I think they're brilliant.
LISTEN
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving advice, you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as it may seem.
Listen. All I asked was that you listen, not to talk or do, just hear me.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But, when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and get about the business of understanding what's behind the irrational feeling; and,
When that's clear, the answers are obvious, and I don't need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what's behind them.
So please listen and just hear me. And, if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and I will listen to you.
Keep up the good work, cheers Ann. PS. I have met you at one of your workshops, am still off the drink, smokes, wild men and doing really well with healthy choice food!
Hi Craig
It sounds like most mornings for me at work. One of my collegues repeats all the woe’s in their life, just about exactly word for word each time and I get to listen again and again…. but unlike you I don’t get a ‘thank you’.
Hey Craig ! Not quite on topic, but on the subject of listening, nonetheless, we spent two hours tonight (well, last night really, as it’s now after 3am !!) absorbing the wisdoms of Eckhart Tolle at the Melbourne Convention Centre. Wow… what an amazing man ! I came out of there totally in tune with accepting the in-ness of now… not too sure about my dear other half though. He said the chair was uncomfortable !
Oh, and I’ve been trying to get around to letting you know (didn’t want to be disrespectful of the more serious conversations) that my “not the boss” shirt arrived safely… thank you ! It’s a little on the large side, as I expected it would be, and I toyed with the idea of wearing it as a nightshirt. Hmmmm… “You’re not the boss of me… in bed… ” Interesting concept !!
{{HUG}} Tina
Yes Jules2 – sometimes less is more. And other times ‘nothing’ is even better…
You’re welcome Vicki and thanks for sharing… ( )
Hi Ann – thanks for making your debut here at me-dot-com…
Well done with the wild men.
And the rest
( )
Hi Tina – I was there last night also. He was fantastic and surprisingly funny. He held 2,000 (or so) people in the palm of his hand for 2 hours – no hype, no fist pumping, no razzle-dazzle, no logic, no PhD. – just amazing wisdom and insight.
He is rare
Is’nt there a saying about a problem shared? How nice of that lady to actually acknowledge that you made her feel better, that may be what separates her from career whiners who seriously are like addicted to whining.
Sometimes by letting it out it does provide a relief like a weight lifted off your shoulders, whereas a career whiner is looking for another hit.
I have a friend who for a very long time went through a lot of shit in her life in a similar vain to another comment with an ex husband and custody issues, and similar to the other comment I found this extemely emotionaly draining and it was happening on nearly a constant basis. I felt helpless as I could not do anything, so I cut back on contact with her and of course felt guilty about that. She was in a bad place and there was nothing I could do, not for the lack of trying. It felt like I was just enabling her to dig herself deeper.
Ginny
Make sure you don’t let people “take” too much energy from you Craig – you are an amazing listener, and a great life coach, but there is only so much that can be asked of you, without feeling very depleted. People are great at taking their energy requirements, and as that lady said, she felt motivated and strong afterwards, while you probably felt like a mack truck had run over you at high speed! I am sure though you have developed great ways of restoring all your energy… big hugs to you. Emma
“But then it wasn’t really about what I had to say, was it?”
Hear, hear! (boom boom)
If you really care, conversations are rarely about what you have to say
Hey Craig… had a feeling you were there but couldn’t spot you in that crowd !!
{{HUG}}
Tina
Hi Craig,
I’m used to be a “Fixer” but after being carer for an individual with a mental illness , I have realised how much I helped just by listening. She has now fully recovered
Also, when I go and see my counsellor just for a general talk, all he does is show me the various models and I speak the question and the answer!!!! How rude is that , just as well he doesn’t charge 100$ an hour.
Vinay