Giving the Jo story a break today. Overall, she’s doing great. Things are happening both physically and psychologically for her. There will be another detailed update on her progress tomorrow. For those of you who entered but didn’t win the comp (i.e. everyone but Jo!), don’t forget I am doing a free mentoring session / workshop for anyone who can make it to my Brighton centre at 11.00 a.m. this Saturday. If you’re not booked in give Johnny a call during business hours on (03) 9553 8857 or email him here.
The External Saboteur
Something’s bugging me today. In fact this something has bugged me for a while but the last few weeks it has become increasingly obvious to me that virtually all of us face similar challenges in one area of the creating-our-best-life process; support, encouragement and understanding from others. Or the lack thereof. You’ve heard me speak many times about the internal saboteur and our propensity to get in our own way (we all do that), well today I want to talk about the external saboteur; people who (for a range of reasons) aren’t really happy to see you succeed, achieve your goals, realise your potential or live your dreams. I could spend an hour or two telling you why they do this (jealousy, resentment, immaturity, revenge, insecurity, thoughtlessness, selfishness, stupidity), but I’d like to focus on a solution for you, rather than explore their motives and mindset.
How Dare You Succeed
You and I both know these people. Sometimes we live with these people. Work with these people. Socialize with these people. Care for these people. Even marry these people (shock, horror). Sometimes he/she is the last person anyone would suspect of standing between you and your dreams. Your ambition and drive bothers them because somehow they have created an association (in their mind) between your success and some kind of negative outcome or effect in their world. They say they care about you (and maybe on a level they do) but in truth, your happiness and success come a distant second to their needs and wants.
Human Speed Humps
You might be amazed at the number of people who become quite emotional (bawl their eyes out) when I talk with them simply because I show them more support, encouragement and belief in one hour than their family or close friends (I use that term loosely) have shown them in a lifetime. These external saboteurs are human speed humps determined to slow you down, if not, bring you to a grinding halt. They are not the reason we fail but if we don’t deal with them in a practical, realistic and possibly blunt manner, then we are letting them steer our ship, shape our reality and limit our potential.
Some thoughts…
1. Get them out of your life. Obviously this is not always possible, desirable, necessary or practical, however there comes a time, in some situations, with some relationships and some people, where the best option is to remove them from your day to day life. I know you know what I mean by this because we’ve all had that person in our life. I have walked away from several relationships over the years because I believed that’s what would be best for me in the long term. And it was. If people aren’t happy for you to succeed, then they ain’t your friend and you don’t need or want them in your world. If you want to know what (some) people really think, ignore ninety percent of what they say and watch one hundred percent of what they do.
2. Spend limited time with them. Obviously there are certain people who will (probably) always be in our life (family for example) but sadly, they are also often the people who potentially stand between where we are now, and where we want to be (if we let them have that power). Some parents (not mine) have never told their children how talented, creative, clever, capable, valued or loved they are. They have never encouraged or supported them because they want to retain power and control in that very lop-sided, unhealthy relationship. I know forty year-olds who are still seeking parental approval and still handing over their power to dear old mum (mom) and dad. Tragic.
3. Tell them what you feel. Sometimes a simple and honest discussion will change a situation or a relationship almost instantly. Give the person clear, specific, relevant and meaningful feedback. Don’t be vague, general or fluffy. Tell them exactly what you’re feeling and why. A little short-term pain for some long-term gain. If you don’t take charge of your life, someone else will.
4. Get some balls. Not literally of course. Sometimes we simply need to stand up for ourselves and stop being the victim, the doormat, the scapegoat, the people pleaser and the personal slave. Make some decisions about your personal rules, values and standards and then build your best life around those. Stop compromising and start living.
5. Be (very) selective about who you share your dreams with. For all of my adult life I have been a highly motivated, driven and ambitious person. By choice. Not particularly gifted but always striving to get the most out of my body, my career, my relationships and my potential; to maximize what I have. Several experiences early on taught me not to be overly enthusiastic about sharing my life goals and dreams with too many people. I learned to be selective and discerning about who I share my dreams with. When I established my first commercial business as a twenty four year-old with zero business experience and minimal skills, I encountered far more resentment, resistance and criticism than I ever did support or encouragement. The people who were genuinely and unconditionally happy for me to succeed were few and far between. By the way, this is not a woe-is-me story, but rather an honest account of my experience and I am not alone with a story like this. I have a few select people in my world, who will encourage and support me when it’s warranted and kick me in the ass when necessary. And I need both. I trust them, appreciate them and value their input in my life.
So instead of slowing down for the speed humps or going around them today, perhaps it’s time for you to change down a gear, hit the gas and drive straight over them.
Works for me.
Love to hear your thoughts on this topic…
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{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey Craig
Funny I had a similar revelation on the week end, when a close friend of mine was teasing me and repeatedly saying “Runnings bad for you, you need to stop running blah, blah, blah” and accused me of being evangelical about running!?!? I laughed it off at the time and responded with wit (well I thought I was witty!?!?!)and said “I have heard the unmotivated call the disciplined, obsessive before, but evangelical is a new one on me!?!? Praise the running god!!”.
I thought long and hard the next day about why his teasing had pissed me off and I realised it was because there are plenty of reasons why I should/could stop running….and most of them are to do with me overcoming my sense of ‘why bother’ when I am at absolute best only a moderately average runner, but I do combat that sense very effectively…..but I don’t want to then have to carry any additional baggage about it! So I rang my mate and explained this as best I could…..lucky he is a good mate and he understood what I was saying and he even recognised that it is actually his way of deflecting his own insecurities about him not overcoming some of his self limiting beliefs!! So hopefully no more external sabotage from him!
Cheers, Tania
PS Good work to both you and Jo – you for your generosity and Jo for her truly inspirational hardcore attitude!!
Hi Craig,
Ok firstly, I did email Johnny and I hope he got me booked in because I am really looking forward to coming to meet you on Saturday.
Right, my speed hump was my ex-husband…sounded like he was supporting me but was subtly undermining my self confidence and would then try to fix it (sounding and acting really caring especially in front of other people)…took ages after he left to get my self back on track….can I still run over him??? (lol)
So many people “think” they are helping when in fact they are doing exactly the opposite. I am so very lucky with my family, they have been there for me and are always very supportive of me. They are always asking how the weight loss is going and telling me when they see me how much better I am looking. I also only tend to associate with people who are helpful and supportive of me(and of course me of them too) Ex put me through too much to go through that again.(Anyway, can’t keep running people over can I? lol)
Thanks for another fab message.
Hugs to you
Michelle
Hi Craig
I’m wondering about those pessimistic people who are trying to save you from heartache and wasted time. For example, I knew this supremely fit, but very short guy who wanted to run in the Olympics. He was very fast, for his height, but just couldn’t win at state level because he didn’t have the reach. His parents were very encouraging and supportive. Would he not have been bettered off encouraged in a different sport where his size was not a handicap?
(Of course most naysayers don’t have a good reason, I agree with you. I have encouraged my son to study his passion (history) even though neither of us can think of a job it fits, and my daughter to aim to be an anime cartoonist, though there’s few female Australian role models).
Most of us deal fine with relative strangers or mere acquaintances who sabotage. It’s when close friends or family don’t want to see you change that it’s hard. Sometimes I think it’s because if YOU change (lose weight, run a race, get published, succeed at a home business), then their excuses don’t hold so much water anymore. And side by side, you might “make” them look bad. Quiet persistence toward your goal is needed. You don’t need their “permission” to change–no matter how much they might think so!
Writer’s First Aid
Hi Craig – this was an excellent one!!! Loved it!
Hugs from far north.
Mia
Hi Tania – good story – thanks for sharing it..
( )
See you Saturday Michelle
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Hi Joy – there’s no point trying to steer someone away from their passion – even if they don’t ‘make it’ to the highest level they’ll still learn and grow from the journey (it ain’t all about the destination)
( )
Thanks for your thoughts Kristi… I agreee
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Thanks Miamia ( )
Hi Craig. In the early few weeks of my journey I became so focused and determined (and still am) to finally get the body I want and the life I want to enjoy that the people around me were a little freaked out. Some are just waiting for this ‘phase’ to let up. Any negative comments I received, I shot down in the very first instance and gave indisputable facts as to why I was going to succeed. I guess I just shut them the hell up. lol
Now I surround myself with people who will support me on my journey and ignore those that won’t. I seek out simular people (like your star Jo) to walk with me on this road instead of stand in front of me like those damn speed humps. Its makes the journey so much more fun.
Thanks Craig,
Joanne.
Hi Craig
I have been a avid reader and “lurker” for some time, but I thought it about time I showed my “face”
This article really hit home for me….I had one of those parents who I could never please….they always managaged to put me down and disapprove – even of my choice of hair colour! I only chose blonde not a crazy blue or pink by the way. When I ventured into the world of figure competing I was met with absolute disgust that I would parade around of stage in a bikini….no mention of a well done for the shiny trophy I was awarded!
At the age of 34 I made the decision to cut all contact with my Mother……….I couldn’t give a shit if I’m related. The relationship was negative and toxic and I feel like a different person with no regrets for the decision I made for my own well being.
I’m looking forward to meeting you at your Brisbane seminar in October.
Cheers
Di
I guess it’s between running over them at getting run over by them, eh?
I think one reason that some of us allow these human speed humps to get to us is that we didn’t recognize them as human speed humps. And most likely it’s when we don’t know ourselves and our goals and dreams well enough, because if we did, we would just dismiss those people’s opinions instead of internalizing those opinions and generate more self-doubt.
Great post!
I came across saboteurs by the truckload back when I started to lose weight and had to make the decision to either stay fat with them in my life or get healthy without them. I chose the latter.
We have to realize though that they have seen it all before. “Going on another diet love? OK love. Right love.” We have to show them in actions that we mean it. We have to make it glaring obvious that we have made dramatic changes.
It will take awhile for them to get it.
Keep persisting and be consistent and you will get people on your side.
Thanks for this one, Craig.
Hugs to all of us losers.
Suu
Wow – love it, love it, love it. Those external sabouteurs can be somewhat a drain and/or a distraction sometimes, but I am learning to minimise their effect by spending less time with them or at least expending less energy on them. Your advice to share your dreams with a select few is so valuable.
Thanks for your support. To all those other unique and special people out there, pursuing your dreams – go for it ! Ride those speed bumps!
M
PS Sometimes I don’t think people mean to be ‘unhelpful’ – it’s just a bad habit of theirs and they’ve never considered another way of being.
Hi Craig
Another great post I really look forward to getting the emails.
Can you please list what Melbourne radio stations and the times you are on.
Murdoch
Craig
Thank you for todays blog, its blown me away more than a little I must say, which is surprising considering its all stuff I’ve been thinking lately and believe it or not working on. I think seeing it written by someone else really makes it hit home.
Only recently I discovered that some people around me seemed to like it better if I’m not doing to well, and when I am doing well its like it makes them feel inadequate and insecure, this really shocked me, needless to say I have really limited my contact with these people.
I am a work in progress and progress I shall.
Keep up the good work.
Ginny
Hi Craig
thank you for todays post
“If you want to know what (some) people really think, ignore ninety percent of what they say and watch 100% of what they do”.
Amen
This was a beautifully clear article Craig. It is so relevant for me at the moment and has given me that extra push to drive over the human speed bump in my life.
Life is too short, not to spend it with people who understand ‘the 2 way street’ in friendships.
It’s all about sharing the love
Hope you’re having a great week
triple g
Sucks when you want to run over your mother in law! Its a shame when you know you are better off shutting up or else there would be hell to pay. Makes my life easier just to ignore her self obsessed crap and only see her when I have to! Its not always the answer to speak up, could make life very unpleasant especially when it comes to the in laws
GRR
Hey Craig and Crew, Speedhumps? Oh yes! A few years ago I lost 40kg and managed to get back to my pre-child weight after a decade! It took a complete change to my mind-set (as you often tell us), my lifestyle, my habits, and yes… my friends and family. The resistance I came across truly astounded me! The people I thought loved me and wanted the best for me didn’t seem to want to see me succeed.
When the weight finally started shifting they would ask if I was ‘sick’ (because that’s the only reason anyone loses weight right?), and when I was out pounding the pavement or saying no to junk food they said I was ‘going over the top’… it was a little heartbreaking. Every time they threw temptation my way and got mad at me for not indulging with them I would repeat in my head ‘no one can take this away from me!’… It was my own personal mantra!
The key to my change was education. I didn’t know about proper nutrition and exercise and I went on a learning rampage! And once I started learning it was easy to say no… because the penny had dropped and I was enlightened (in more ways then one!). Nowadays some of those same people who ‘speedhumped’ me even ask me for advice!
I didn’t have your articles when I was going through my big change but I value them now and I even print them and post them overseas to a friend with no computer access! And after reading (or re-reading) an article a few weeks back I was inspired and finally did what I have wanted for years and joined a Karate club. I faced my fear… and I’m loving it. I spent my 20’s larger than life and now I’m enjoying my early 30’s as a fit and active person… you name it… I’ll do it!!
Keep up the great work! Cheers!
Lani from QLD
Hi Craig
So true. I do a good enough job of sabotaging myself without help from others!
Unfortunately when we succeed it makes others feel bad about themselves so they try to make you fail or punish you by making nasty comments.
I used to get upset about all the bitchy comments from family,friends and coworkers after I changed my body but now I take their jealous comments as compliments. They want what I have ( well had!! but getting it back again, 5kg to go!!) I realised who my real friends were. And I also realised that most people are scared little 4 year olds living in adult bodies and it is even scarier getting out of the comfort zone and turning your life around, but very rewarding in the end.
As my boss used to say “one persons sloth is another persons obsessive compulsive”
Thanks Craig
Suse
Hi Craig,
My sister told me about your website last night and I think you are fantastic and the information is great.
This morning I thought I would have another look at you site and I could not believe you were talking about people who are speed bumps in your life.
Yesterday at work my boss told a co-worker he was not happy with my work and all this stuff about me. I am a hard worker and he has never said anything to me personally. I was quite shocked that he thought that of me. He was alos making unpleasant comments about other co-workers. He is always treating people horribly and talks rudly to all the staff and that is if he talks to you at all. He never really talks to me at all only if I ask him something. He is always trying to pick something that is wrong and never positive. Always putting everyone down.
I don’t know why people treat people so horribly day in day out when you have to work with each other everyday.
I obviously can’t get rid of this person in my life at the moment because I need this job but I have come to the conclusion not to worry about it. I know I am doing my job well and if he wants to be a horroble person it will only affect him and if the opportunity presents itself I may comfront him as if he has a problem with me I would like him to tell me personally so I can rectify it and better myself.
Hi Craig and Craig readers,
Craig, loved the post, don’t want to listen to it but I guess I have to because you’re always right about these things.
Everyone else, just briefly wanted to say hi and thanks to all you guys for your support and kind comments since I’ve been visiting Melbourne. Having the best time and getting the bestest(a word) support ever!!!!!
Cheers,
Jo
Howdy CH
Howdy Jo
Its great to hear from you! I bet that you are having the bestest time ever & your time is not up yet!
Go ooooooo Jo oooooooo
TG from SA
Hi Craig,
Loved today’s post, a lot. So true that external sabouteurs can be draining and distracting, if, as you say, we let them.
Learning not to! Thanks for the good advice, particularly the bit about only telling a select few your dreams – I think there is a lot of (hard earnt) wisdom in that.
Go Jo – have fun in your week with Craig.
cheers,
Monica
You’re welcome Joanne – ( )
Hi Dianna I look forwrd to meeting you also… ( ) Glad you stepped out of the shadows!
Hey Suu( )
Cheers ‘M’ ( )
Hi Murdoch
Tuesday 6.45am 104.3FM (Gold)
Tuesday 9-10pm 1116AM (SEN)
Saturday 8-10am 89.9FM (Light)
Some Saturdays 7.00am 774AM (ABC)
TV
Wednesdays 10.30am(ish – it varies) CH.10
FOXTEL Aurora Channel – Living Life Now (various times)
Cheers
Good for you Ginny ( )
Hugs for you Triple G ( )
Hi Anon 2 – resist that urge!
Hi Lani – I love to hear stories like yours, thanks for sharing…
( )
You’re welcome Suse.. ( )
HI Krissy – I’m glad you’re enjoying the site – here’s your first cyber-hug… ( )
Enjoy your day
Hey Jo – why aren’t you on the treadmill? ( )
Hey TG from SA.. .yeah, she’s going OK! ( )
Hugs Monica ( )
Dear Craig,
I have been reading your emails for over 12 months now & I have been one of 'those' readers who will read your posts, nod their heads and say "Yep! Craig so true!" and leave it at that.
This post however has prompted me to finally act over this weekend! For so long I know I have stood in my own way at achieving personal successes – now though, I have recently realised that there are others that I have let stand in my way as well. This post has illuminated them – and they come from all facets of my life.
You are so right. When are "people pleasers" we seem to be blinded by what others are doing to you and your life.
It's time to rid this life of these "Speedhumps" – those so called friends whom I have bent over backwards for, for many years – yet have not supported or helped me in anyway. When I have watched what they have done for me in the past & today…YES…..all they do is talk! THEY have not physically offered support! Amazing!
This newfound confidence will, and has helped myself to tidy up the loose ends of a broken marriage, be more creative & effective in my fabulous business, stick to those gym sessions, prepare for that dream holiday and find that little old house I want to live in and love.
Time to get a move on…..
Thanks so much for your honest postings Craig. You are helping many fabulous people out there. Well done sunshine!
Kathryn