How People Assess Us

Like it or not, know it or not, intentionally it or not… you and I are constantly assessing (others) and constantly being assessed. It’s what we humans do. It’s how we’re wired. It’s how we learn. Interact. Cope. Survive. Avoid danger. Adapt. Progress. Create connection. Manage situations.

The Message Beyond the Words

Everything we see and hear tells us something about the person in front of us and interestingly, much of what we learn about people isn’t a result of the words they speak. No, quite often what’s more revealing is how they speak. Does their communication style tell you that they are arrogant? Or shy perhaps? Maybe polite? Well educated? Fearful? Confident? Not to be trusted? Kind? Insecure? We know that the average person (no, not the sociopath) lies once every three minutes in typical conversation, so if you really want to get to know someone, look for the message beyond the words and listen to what they’re not saying. The truth is always there if you know what you’re looking for.

If someone is insecure (for example), they’re not going to walk in and say, “Hi Craig, nice to meet you… I’m Carol, I’m insecure and a little needy”. Of course they’re not, but if we know how to read people we’ll figure it out quickly anyway. I can’t really imagine a bloke saying to a girl “Hi Sally, before we get under way with this date, I just thought you should know up front that (1) I’ve got a huge ego (2) I’m prone to exaggeration and (3) most of what comes out of my mouth is complete shit because I’m desperately trying to impress you”. If Sally is switched on, she’ll figure all that out before the entre arrives. And hopefully get an urgent phone call before main course.

Then we can consider the speed and volume at which people talk. Someone who talks fast is often lying or nervous. Not always, but often. Someone who talks inappropriately loud could be deaf, overly confident, seeking approval or trying to gain control of a situation, conversation or person. Someone who constantly brings the conversation back to themself is often seeking approval, trying to impress, wanting to belong and is probably insecure. Not to mention frickin’ annoying. Someone who speaks very quietly could be shy, embarrassed, fearful or for a range of reasons, uncomfortable in that situation. Or maybe they just speak quietly!  

Body Language

What does someone’s physiology tell us? Plenty. A person with rounded shoulders and poor posture might be telling us that they are insecure, lacking confidence and don’t feel worthy of standing up straight and being comfortable in that situation. Or they could be telling us that they spend fifty hours hunched over a computer each week. Someone who doesn’t look you in the eye might be saying that you intimidate them. Or perhaps that they are not to be trusted. Someone who has their arms folded when they talk to you might be saying that they are defensive and are not at all receptive to what you’re saying. Or perhaps they’re just cold! The subsequent unfolding of their arms might mean that they feel more at ease with you and that you’ve made progress. Or maybe they’ve warmed up! The girl who flicks her hair and touches you on the arm when she laughs at your stupid jokes is probably telling you that she digs you. Who knows why.   The alpha-male who pumps up his chest, straightens his posture and stands a little taller when another male enters the room could be saying “I’m threatened and insecure but I want to look as intimidating and in control as possible”. I’m not sure how I know that.

Must’ve read it somewhere.

How We Dress

What can we learn from the way people dress? Plenty. Are they trying to create an impression of professionalism (nice suit)? Are they an extrovert (bling central)? On the prowl (revealing clothes)? Conscious of their weight (anything big baggy, black and with an elastic waist)? Trying to impress (expensive labels)?

Imagine if I turned up for one of my TV segments in dirty track pants and a singlet. It would be my last gig. Or what if I fronted for a corporate presentation in my army shorts and sneakers? Before I even open my mouth the audience would have made certain assumptions about my credibility, my professionalism and my potential to be able to deliver a quality presentation. All that without me speaking a single word; quite the handicap for someone who speaks for a living! When I walk around the streets of Melbourne with my shaved head, two-day growth, army shorts, singlet and sandal-clad feet, I’m sure there ain’t too many people who look at me and say… “Hmm, let me guess… professional speaker, writer and business-owner?” No, it might be more like “Er… Junior, walk close to me and don’t look at that man.”

Attitude

Our attitude will provide those around us with plenty of information and understanding of who we are and what we’re about. The attitude you and I take into every situation, circumstance, environment, relationship, conversation and challenge will give people great insight into our standards, values, beliefs, expectations, personality and nature. That is, who we are beyond the words. My dad always says “you can tell a lot about a man by his attitude”.

Reactions

Reactions are tied in with attitude but are also worth giving an individual mention here. The way people react (positively or negatively) to the various happenings in their world is also a great indicator of who and what they are. Reactions tell us a lot about people. If you want to know what people are really like, watch them when they are under pressure, when they are uncomfortable, when they are out of their environment, when they are scared and especially when they don’t know they’re being watched. Sneaky I know. Over the years I have learned the most about my friends, clients, associates, staff and athletes by seeing how they react in a range of situations and circumstances. Mostly I like to see how they respond when they are in a pressure situation. It’s amazing how many nice-as-pie, cool-calm-and-collected people are…. er…. different… when they are removed from their safe, predictable, comfortable, familiar situation.

Physical Condition

Imagine I turn up to talk to the employees of an organisation about health, fitness, lifestyle, motivation and attitude (which I do often) and… I weigh 150 kgs (330 lbs). My gut is cascading over my pants, I’ve got some left over mayo on my shirt and I’m out of breath by the time I reach the stage. Even though I have the knowledge, the speaking skills, the experience and the academic qualifications, my physical condition will handicap (at the very least) my ability to connect with – and gain the respect of – my audience.  Would people make certain assumptions about me before I speak a word? Of course. Does my physical appearance send a message about me? Yep. Would I have instant credibility issues? Of course. If I can’t get myself in shape then how could I possibly help them? From the moment I walk into a room to deliver a presentation, I am being assessed. I know this from experience. Should we be obsessed with our physical condition? No. Should we be aware that in certain situations it may help or hinder our cause? Yes.

Behaviours

What I do tells people plenty about who I am. If you really want to know what people are like, then listen less and watch more. Words are cheap. Conversations are often manufactured, calculated, strategic, insincere and misrepresentative. In other words: an act.  A person’s typical behaviour (over a sustained period of time) will be a far greater indicator of who they are than any ’spin’ that comes from their lips. While some people have the ability to talk shit for years, sooner or later their behaviours will tell you who they are. One way or the other.  

Let’s Look at a Hypothetical Scenario…

You’re sitting in the doctor’s waiting room by yourself. A guy (information) walks in who appears to be in his twenties (more info), he glances at you and then quickly looks away without making any real eye contact (info). He is unshaven (info), obviously un-showered (info), is dressed like a bum (info) and is covered in tattoos (info). He sits as far away from you as possible (info), picks up a magazine without really reading it (info), constantly taps his left foot on the floor (info) and his overall body language (info) screams that he’s anything but comfortable (info). After a few minutes of waiting he is now wringing his hands (info), rocking a little in his seat (info), the tempo of the foot tapping has increased (info), the magazine has been discarded (info) and he is now staring vacantly at the floor (info). In less than five minutes and without exchanging a single word, you have (intentionally or not) formed an opinion about, and gained some insight into, the strange looking cat on the other side of the room. Or at least you think you have. Maybe he’s not strange at all. Perhaps you are. In his world. Perhaps your assessment is totally wrong. From the moment he walked into that room, you started to form an opinion. Right or wrong. Positive or negative. Consciously or not. It’s what you did. It’s what we all do.

What Kind of Messages are You Sending?

Everything we do says something about us: the way we walk, talk, react, choose, dress, stand, eat, socialise and plenty more. So should we become self-conscious, paranoid, overly-analytical observers of humanity and monitors of self? Of course not. The point of this insight is not to become paranoid about, or obsessed with, how we’re perceived by others but rather to become more aware and more conscious of the messages we’re putting out. Both positive and negative. Why does it matter? I hear you asking. Because you and I don’t live in a vacuum - that’s why. One of the challenges of the human experience is to co-exist, interact, connect and live in productive harmony with those in our world. Being oblivious to the messages we send makes that reality virtually impossible.

Peace. xx