They live among us.
In human form.
To the untrained eye, it is almost impossible to tell the difference.
Typically they look like you and I.
But they’re not.
They’re not like us at all.
They are Vampires and their modus operandi is not to steal your blood but rather, your precious energy.
Your life-force.
Your mojo.
To drain you emotionally and psychologically.
To frustrate you with their repetitious, self-indulgent, attention-seeking diatribe.
They are often bitter, angry and resentful…. and they want you to share their pain.
They don’t want solutions, they want pity.
They don’t want constructive feedback, they want attention.
They don’t want to take responsibility, they want to blame and vent.
They seem to revel in their own misery.
Day in, day out.
They have the same conversations about the same issues with the same people and produce the same result; no change.
They major on minors.
They bring others down.
They have a gift for finding the negative.
They are emotionally exhausting to be around.
They inhabit our work places, our families, our schools and they permeate every corner of society.
Note: I will point out that Energy Vampires are not to be confused with the vast majority of people who simply need help, support, direction and care… and are serious about working on themselves and their situation. They are also not to be confused with people who are genuinely looking for answers (not attention or sympathy) and are prepared to accept responsibility, be accountable and be proactive.
No, the people I’m talking about here are relentless in their negativity and their ‘woe-is-me’ ness (a Craigism).
As most of you know, I am serious about helping people create their best life and I choose to spend much of my life working with a wide range of people to help them confront and deal with their issues and create their own version of amazing… but I’m not about letting people monopolise (or waste) my time and energy and I won’t buy into their crap attitude or their negativity. I don’t care how messed up someone’s life or situation is, if they have a good attitude, I’ll help them.
Gladly.
If they’re a Vampire, I’m outa there.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.
It’s great to be a giver, a carer and a feeler (sometimes), but now and then we need to take a stand with certain people.. because if we don’t, we begin to suffer and then nobody wins.
So here are my tried and proven tips for dealing with Energy Vampires.
(Not every tip is appropriate for every person and situation but you might find some of them useful)
1. Identify the Vampires in your life, acknowledge the impact they have on you and make a resolution to change the way you communicate (interact with, exist with) those people.
2. Don’t buy into their life’s-not-fair-and-nobody-understands-me monologues. Feed it and you’ll create a monster.
3. Be straight with them and tell them that you will not have the same conversations about the same issues any more (yes this takes courage).
4. This sounds harsh, but some Vampires need to be avoided.
5. Don’t give them too much time. When a Vampire walks into my office I stand as if I’m about to go somewhere. I’ll give them a few minutes and if I feel we’re heading down the same old path, I’ll start walking and shut the conversation down.
6. Ask them questions like “so you’ve identified the issues, tell me how you can change things for the better?”
7. If you have a Vampire who is in your life to stay (family perhaps), create some rules of engagement… “I will not talk about ‘these’ issues again until I see you doing XYZ.”
8. Choose your friends and acquaintances wisely. Make sure you spend (lots of) time with people who will drag you up, not down. You need to keep your tank full.
Spending lots of time with Vampires is draining and unenjoyable.
Footnote: Sometimes I struggle with some subject matter.
I often wonder whether or not I should cover some topics, or let them slide. I have had this weird kind of internal, cerebral tug-of-war about writing this particular post… but lately I have been working with lots of people who are struggling with Energy Vampires in their world and it just seemed to be timely and for many people, relevant.
Even though I am a professional motivational speaker and a personal development writer, I don’t feel compelled to write what people (necessarily) want to hear.
I do feel compelled to be honest, helpful, practical and realistic and to write what (I believe) people need to hear. The truth is that creating positive change in our life is not only an amazing, enlightening, educational and rewarding growth process… but it also often a messy, impractical, difficult, lumpy, bumpy and (at times) painful journey.
But it’s all worth it.
I know that sometimes what I write is not the ‘typical’ personal development message and not necessarily embraced by everyone.
I’m okay with that.
I’m not interested in making people feel warm and fuzzy (for ten minutes), I’m interested in cutting through the BS and dealing with real issues in a real and practical way so that you, the reader, might create your best life.
If all my writing does for you is entertain you, push a few buttons every now and then, and periodically make you chuckle, then I’m failing at my job.
Reading my posts ain’t enough.
Thinking about it ain’t enough.
Talking about it ain’t enough.
And even planning… ain’t enough.
It’s always about doing.
I know my message is not always ‘nice’, comfortable or universally embraced, but it’s the truth.
So that’s what you’ll get.
Let us know your thoughts on Energy Vampires.. and also where you are from.
If you’ve never left a message (scaredy cat), why don’t you make your craigharper.com debut today!!
PS. Was that the world’s longest footnote or what?
{ 56 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey Craig, love your blog! You have a very unique stand alone blog with great ideas. I also love the comics!
Jen-Kentucky-USA
I think this message was written specifically for me I am so over energy vampires. Drive a stake through their hearts I say!
David
Toowoomba
Hi Jen,
Thanks.
Lots of people think I’m unique.. but not in a good way!
Cheers
Hi David,
I hope you’re speaking metaphorically!
Thanks for saying hi and I hoped the post helped.
Hello Craig! Just wanted to post a comment to let you know how much I enjoy your blog. Every article has been so very helpful! Thank you for your great work!
Regarding the Energy Vampires: thank you for the awesome tips on how to deal with these vultures!
) Not only do you have me thinking about how to communicate better with them but also about how to ensure I’m not being one myself! Accck!
Thanks again!
Jen from West Virginia
Hi Jen (from West Virginia),
are all girls in the States called Jen?…
2 from 2 on this post!
I am glad you’re enjoying my blog, I enjoying writing it… it helps me keep learning and growing.
Take care…
Hi Craig, I have been reading you blog since november and it has changed my life, like you say ‘when the student is ready the teacher will appear’. In today’s blog about energy vampires you have described a friend of mine to the letter, thanks for your tips on how to deal with her, perhaps I should email her your article too!!! Wendy
Hi Craig,
Awesome article. I’m going to send a copy to a good friend of mine who is struggling with these leeches.
A really good weapon that I have used in the past against energy vampires is to be almost freakishly positive when I am speaking to them.
“Wow! It sounds like you are really down, but things will definitely be turning out better for you soon! Remember a smile is just a frown turned upisde down!!”
It totally throws them off their game and they tend to leave you alone afterwards.
TC,
Scott from Toronto
Craig, thank you for sharing your thoughts on such an important topic. I love when you said, “I’m not about letting people monopolise (or waste) my time and energy and I won’t buy into their crap attitude or their negativity. I don’t care how messed up someone’s life or situation is, if they have a good attitude, I’ll help them.” Way to set a very useful boundary.
Energy vampires will get you in the neck every time so it is important to take stock of the people you have in your life.
Keep making a difference, Craig…
Pam
Hi Craig,
Love your blog. You have just described a family member to perfection. Dealing with her just leaves me depleted. Very difficult when you live with someone like this. I’m very much a glass is half full kind of gal. Her glass is not only half empty, but its dirty and leaking and she always hated that glass anyways.
Enjoyed this post. Food for thought.
Cheers from Ontario, Canada!
Jackie
Hi, Craig!
Thanks for your post today on the Engergy Vampires — unfortunately, I happen to be married to one of them!! However, I am in the process of separating, and most likely, divorcing him because his negative energy has been sinking me for ‘way too long, and I am tired of waiting for the empty promises to be fulfilled — thanks for your posts, I do enjoy them very much, and I think they are helping to empower me to make some changes in my wretched life at this point!!
Thanks so much for your insight into what appears to be a worldwide problem!!
Sincerely,
Barb Harvey–Minnesota–USA
Craig – you seem to to hit the nail on the head everytime! – you have not ever met this man who is my ex (about to be anyway) and in this post you have described him to a tee! But this is what I needed to hear at 5 am to making something useful of my early waking.
Quote:
They are often bitter, angry and resentful…. and they want you to share their pain.
They don’t want solutions, they want pity.
They don’t want constructive feedback, they want attention.
They don’t want to take responsibility, they want to blame and vent.
They seem to revel in their own misery.
Day in, day out.
They have the same conversations about the same issues with the same people and produce the same result; no change.
And the impact on me – well I caouln’t say it better myself.
David – unfortunately the only creatures I can cope with maiming or killing are flies, spiders, and ants. I have maimed my vampire. The way my ex is behaving you’d think I had in fact driven a stake through his heart only to have him survive it to comtinue to try and vamp me…but I am strong willed. Can’t wait for this house to sell so we can live in totally separate locations!
Hey Scott,
yep. That would do it!
Thanks for stopping by.
Hi Pam,
I’ll keep doing my best.
Enjoy your day.
( )
Morning Craig…
I have had thoughts about this topic myself over the past week.. mind you – I didn’t refer to them as “Energy Vampires”.. but I will from now!
Thanks for the tips to deal with them.. well try to anyway.
In the past I have removed myself froma circle of ‘vampires’ that was just way to draining on me… think negative you whole world sucks… did. my. head. in….
But family is harder… much harder…
thanks for the posts to keep my head in gear!
Hi Jackie,
yep; I think I described quite a few people we all know in this post.
Thanks for saying hi.
Cheers.
Hi Barb,
it’s not what happens that matters, it’s how we deal with it, cope, respond and move forward.
Keep positive, keep doing, maximise your time and emotional energy and I’ll be cheering you on.
Hi Jenny (no.3!),
all I can say is do your best, stay positive, keep doing what you need to do… don’t get angry, bitter or nasty; no-one benefits.
Even though separations are messy and painful there are better and worse ways of going about it.
Take care.
Hello Yummy Mummy,
you’re very welcome.
Enjoy your day..
Hi Wendy…
(1)How come you haven’t said hi before?
(2)You changed your life, not my blog (well done by you).
(3)good luck emaling this post to your friend… could make or break the friendship.
(4)What country are you from?
(5)Stay in touch
Thanks for saying hi and keep up the great work.
Great post Craig. I have linked to it from my blog at http://thetallpoppy.blogspot.com/2007/04/poppy-choppers-you-know-what-it-is-like.html and sent you some readers. Great topic.
Couldn’t resist replying- another Jen – the JSP kind from Melbourne. I actually bought up the topic of BAD energy creatures in training today….. I like to focus on topping up my reserves on GOOD energy literature, music and people (just like you Craig). I bet your middle name is Jen – you just must attract us???
How did the breakfast gathering pan out?
Hey Anne..
thankyou for the tick of approval..
Best wishes.
Hello Jen no.4 (JSP),
Am I a Jen Magnet or what?
Breakfast was fun… even without you there.
( )
PS You and your readers might also want to check out Aaron Potts’ blog Today is That Day. He posted about energy vampires a couple of days ago from a different perspective, but also has some great thoughts and suggestions. Here’s the link: http://www.todayisthatday.com/blog/5-simple-methods-for-banishing-negative-people-from-your-life/
hey jen’s – we only need one more jen and then we can all have a t-shirt each on it with a letter: C, R, I, A, G and we can all be Craig’s cheersquad!
Jen in mildura!
Ps – have expanded on my emotional vampire at my website.
Just as well I read most of the other comments as my name is also Jen. I’ve found through my blog reading that lots of bloggers from the States are called Jen.
Back to Energy Vampires. I have a very dear friend who can be an energy vampire and I struggled with this for a while until I employed your tactic no. 3. Yes it did take courage but it was worth doing because despite the sometimes energy vampire bit the friendship rules.
Hi Mildura Jen,
clearly, you have too much time on your hands!!!
( )
(funny though)
Hello Jen no.5,
number three is a life saver (okay, friendship saver).
Cheers.
Hi Craig. This article is brilliant. This IS my brother. I have been avoiding him for years, I found that to be the best cure.
Hey Patrick,
sometimes avoidance is necessary..
Thanks for your feedback.
Hey Craig:
I tried the total removal method before I got sucked in any further but then relented and thought I could be a friend. I just got zapped again today and know now that I can’t be around this person and there is no reason to be around him. Unfortunately, I lost my patience and good will and drove several verbal stakes through him before my exit and wish I had not been quite so vehement in my exit. I told him he was a cruel bloodsucker and he manipulated weak people and tried to turn his own problems around on the people who tried to care. I was told I was insane and had issues. At least this time I am really extricated from a situation that would have just gotten worse. Before I lost total control, I tried to tell him I felt drained by our interactions and did not enjoy them. He said our interactions were addictive for him and good for us. Do you think he really doesn’t know how he affects people?
Great topic! I’ve had experiences with many of these people, and was almost headed in the direction of becoming one myself as a teenager. The one great thing to understand is that anyone can be emotionally healthy, even people with the worst lives. I’m one of those people who made a CHOICE to be healthy despite the horrors of life that affect ALL OF US. It’s all about making a CHOICE to be healthy, and accepting that everyone goes through pain. But that pain doesn’t need to define us. Vampires wear their pain as a badge. I decided to seek triumph and wear THAT as a badge.
Keep up the good work!
Interesting article about vampires. I’ve been an energy vampire and been subject to energy vampires.
What I find is that if I’m connected to my own energy source, then I don’t need to deplete others (unconsciously). If I’m grounded energetically and centred, then they tend not to come to me anyway.
We attract what we are energetically vibrating. If my self care is poor, you can guarantee that everyone seems to become a vampire to me.
And to compensate I’ve a tendency to become a vampire to someone else. So if someone is attracting energy vampires, it means that there’s something that needs to be resolved within them, otherwise they wouldn’t attract it.
Doing energy psychology/therapy is a great way to start getting more energetically centred.
Hi Craig, I am new to this, found your site last night- your fantastic. This blog speaks to me, had someone in my life who’s view on the world was – the world is sh*t, people are sh*t, they are there to cause u pain, the rat race is sh*t, after putting all that -feeling time into this person to help their response was – sorry if i have offended you but id prefer to live alone and if that upsets you then “harden up princess”. So i did harden up, i left. Vampire. I still feel sorry for him & would like to help but my life for the time i spent with him drained me emotionally, physically and spiritually. Now he is gone, i feel back to my ol self again! your topic hit it on the nose,
Danni
Even after sending my vampire an email Warning him that I would charge him with harassment this guys still not giving up! He has no respect for my boundaries. He said his ex girlfreind was a stalker now I am seeing the truth. I seem to be his primary focus. I just want him to buzz off. What makes them turn out to be this way?
Hello Craig,
Im new to your site and I really enjoyed it!
Wow, I also got a great problem on those energy vampires and I am very well surrounded! But I am doing my very best not to be like them and it has been my mission for months now.
Here’s what I always do to protect my precious energy:
1. As much as possible, minimize interactions.
2. When hiding isn’t possible, try to praise them and make them smile, help them think positively, joke around.
3. When no.2 don’t work, they get mad and started doing their favorite monologues, I just ignore them.
4. During monologues, playing a nice music on the background minimize the tension. (so I can easily divert my attention on something else…hehe)
5. Enjoy life, laugh, stay healthy, do something positive and read stuffs on self-improvement such as Craig’s blog.
Thanks for writing about Energy Vampires! It proved my little theories…cheers!
Try not to sleep with one of them. You’ll feel drained for days.
I also like what one of the Jen’s said about making sure that you yourself are not being one. It is like with blood thirsty vampires, when one is bitten, he/she becomes a vampire, and then has to go feed off of others and turn them into vampires. But, if one learns to fight the urge, the cycle stops.
Wow. This (blog/website) discovery came right on time!
It’s always amazing how those things work out! (cosmic tumblers, etc.)
Dealing with my third marriage to an energy vampire…(I am a slow learner, apparently).
Oh, well, life is for learning, so no regrets. Thanks for helping me figure it out!!!
Mary
I love your straight to the point advice. I have cleaned up my life completely & have taken full responsibility myself for attracting these situations or people into my life in the first place plus cleaned out any of my own negative traits that may have been attracting them into my life too because as you know ‘like attract likes’. I figured if I keep blaming ‘them’ & handing my control over to someone outside of me then I’ll always stay in that predicament or keep recreating them. No thanks. Know Thyself peoples, & them vampires will not stand a chance. Love to all. Kt
Well i think i been ” beaten” by one of them , soundy idiotic but i think so .
I always going to train station to get home with one classmate , he always love to talk about his problems,life , and argue with some people .
So while we waited for a train he asked me for a “light” i said that i dont have , then he didnt like they way i said it , coz i was tiny bit down , then we had stupidly an argument about it !
When i came home i was feeling totally being tired like never before, on next day , i hardly stood up from bed , what made me to stand up coz i knew that i had an exam on that day ! and was feeling the same like when i came home ! ( very down,lazy and withought “force” &very sleepy ).
Then on luch time , i had a quick nap in classroom and my classmate kept watching me , then later on when i was feeling tiny bit better he started again to talk about his problems ! which he told me 1000000 times
Tho i dont know if its him or no !
Yes I know what these energy vampires are I grew up with several, so I feel that sometimes I attract them alot-I overall like my own engery but for Gods sake it is mine.Do other people feel smothered by these types of people. I have a coworker who when she enters the room you can literally feel tension in the air. I try to ignore her, then she gets huffy because I wont pay attention to her. Sorry I have a life and am not responsible for how she feels-she almost acts like a 6 year old-yuck.I just cant wait when she leaves the office. Sometimes I feel guilty for not engaging with her but I just dont have any desire to-I grew up to be nice at all cost-just cant stomach it anymore. Is that selfish. Any comment are appreciated.
Hi Craig,
I also find that some vampires are not glaringly obvious vampires but are just people wanting to chit-chat or yak-yak & you find that your time has been frittered away in a conversation with no life in it. I acknowledge that there are some lonely people out there & a solution I have is that those wanting a natter about nothing in particular seek those who could do with the company of another because in the life of someone who is obviously very busy & overloaded with enough to do it these conversations are tedious & draining.
Hey Craig.
I was at the workshop yesterday. It was great! I have read the post re Energy Vampires. My sister is this way. She is exhausting to be with and it can take me hours to lift myself UP after she has left. She suffers from depression though. In and out of hospitals, huge amounts of medication, ect (stopped recently – thank god. I have to see her and want to see her but, man, it is hard freakin work. What say you to this???
Hi Craig,
I am so glad I came across your blog regarding “Energy Vampires”. I have a friend of mine that is an “Energy Vampire” and to make it worse…she recently became pregnant. You can’t reason with her because she’s pregnant. I went out to lunch with a few friends of mine and I had to walk away from the group because she was so negative (I should also mention that she has been trying to get pregnant for 2 years). Anyway I realized that this is taking a toll on myself, I have been emotional and physically drained for the past two days so I decided to avoid her as much as possible. She’s a very good friend of mine…but my heath is way to important.
This is VERY wrong, and WAY off. You may want to read this book, which is not one of ficion, but facts.
http://books.google.com/books?hl=en&id=CcbUJerFyfQC&dq=psychic+vampires+belanger&printsec=frontcover&source=web&ots=mwGHTbXFjl&sig=_RB17kpfJEK8C7-P39Sny7eEf34&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=4&ct=result
First off, I'm a psychic vampire, (Energy Vampire, if you will) and I am not bitter, angry and resentful…. I do not want anyone to to share my pain when I have some. (And I'm perfectly happy right now!)
I don't want solutions when I am in pain, not pity!
I want constructive feedback, and I, as an individual want attention, it doesn't take applicable effect on all Psy-Vamps.
"They don't want to take responsibility, they want to blame and vent.
They seem to revel in their own misery.
Day in, day out.
They have the same conversations about the same issues with the same people and produce the same result; no change.
They major on minors.
They bring others down.
They have a gift for finding the negative.
They are emotionally exhausting to be around." ALL of this is entirely untrue! I don't know where you heard all of this, but I must say, and pardon my french, it's BULLSHIT!
They inhabit our work places, our families, our schools and they permeate every corner of society.
This is true. however. We are just normal people, amongst everyone else, just like gay people. Everywhere you turn you'll see atleast one gay person, right? Well the same thing applies here.
Psy-vamps are amoung you, and they do this stuff willingly, and selectively. And ONLY With the other person's consent. NOT when the other perons says "No, I don't like that."
So, to conclude, open your mind, and explore more possibilities before you stick to one thing. Becuase that's often why people are wrong. And remember they– WE are not out to get you, or destroy you. We're a kind, open sub-culture, who'll tell you eveything you want to know. In fact please take a look at this link. Its a community of Thousands in the Psy-Vamp sub-culture.
– Chris
http://www.kheperu.org/
Thanks for a great article and wonderful comments from all! I’ve been avoiding a former friend, aka energy vampire, for quite a while now. Her husband left her for another woman (gee, I wonder why) and she’s still whining about it. I’m polite and civil when I see her but much more distant. She’s looking for a teaching job without luck, so far. People who have tried to encourage her have literally had their heads bitten off!!! Proof that she is only out for pity, not real change. Yuck. Life’s too short not to do better.
This is the first time I’ve come across your blog, and really enjoyed it. Energy vampires are something that many of my therapist colleagues complain of. Not knowing how to do deal with them effectively is a common form of burnout in this field.
When 2 or more people get together without noticing what’s happening, the strongest emotional state wins – rapport inevitably takes over and moves everyone into similar body language, speed of speech, tone of voice, metaphors, breathing etc. Angry, sad, bitter or joyful, spend enough time around someone in a strong emotional state and it rubs off!
My own experience was that when I was in a bad state, everyone else was ABLE to bring me down with the slightest negative in terms of words or body language. When I’m up and feeling great I have a real choice about dealing with the vampires.
As a therapist/trainer I’ve discovered that it’s about awareness and rapport. Gently moving people from where they are to where they SAY they want to be. I can only do effective work by being in my best state on purpose while acknowledging the reality of where the other person is.
It’s useful to be aware that anyone who is deliberately creating their emotional state (even if that’s simply calm) will have a huge impact on those around them. Radiate your own good feeling state, without pushing it onto others, and you’ll feel better even as you impact on other people. It just takes a little practise, so spend lots of time deliberately feeling positive/confident/calm or whatever feels best to you! Smile, play with energy, tell yourself great things, make inspiring images in your mind. Enjoy your life and the vampires will either vanish or be converted!
Jen
Letchworth U.K.
http://www.jentiller.com
Thanks for the article on dealing with persistently negative people.
Perhaps you could do something to improve the layout of your webpage. Reading an article that is only an inch and a half wide is not pleasant and does detract for the cohesion and comprehensibility. I suggest you widen the column to at least 3 inches.
Ciao,
Elizabeth
Ok im agreeing with davewave on this i am too a psychic vampire and i am not bitter either. Only some people choose to hurt people like that but some dont. And you have no right to judge people that you dont know anything about. i happen to help heal people with my own happy energy not cause them pain so maybe u should read more. I do not wish for peoples pity and i do not want the people around me to be hurt my own emotions and i bet everyone who is like me feels the same. i hope you take me and davewaves entries into consideration.