They live among us.
In human form.
To the untrained eye, it is almost impossible to tell the difference.
Typically they look like you and I.
But they’re not.
They’re not like us at all.
They are Vampires and their modus operandi is not to steal your blood but rather, your precious energy.
Your life-force.
Your mojo.
To drain you emotionally and psychologically.
To frustrate you with their repetitious, self-indulgent, attention-seeking diatribe.
They are often bitter, angry and resentful…. and they want you to share their pain.
They don’t want solutions, they want pity.
They don’t want constructive feedback, they want attention.
They don’t want to take responsibility, they want to blame and vent.
They seem to revel in their own misery.
Day in, day out.
They have the same conversations about the same issues with the same people and produce the same result; no change.
They major on minors.
They bring others down.
They have a gift for finding the negative.
They are emotionally exhausting to be around.
They inhabit our work places, our families, our schools and they permeate every corner of society.
Note: I will point out that Energy Vampires are not to be confused with the vast majority of people who simply need help, support, direction and care… and are serious about working on themselves and their situation. They are also not to be confused with people who are genuinely looking for answers (not attention or sympathy) and are prepared to accept responsibility, be accountable and be proactive.
No, the people I’m talking about here are relentless in their negativity and their ‘woe-is-me’ ness (a Craigism).
As most of you know, I am serious about helping people create their best life and I choose to spend much of my life working with a wide range of people to help them confront and deal with their issues and create their own version of amazing… but I’m not about letting people monopolise (or waste) my time and energy and I won’t buy into their crap attitude or their negativity. I don’t care how messed up someone’s life or situation is, if they have a good attitude, I’ll help them.
Gladly.
If they’re a Vampire, I’m outa there.
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.
It’s great to be a giver, a carer and a feeler (sometimes), but now and then we need to take a stand with certain people.. because if we don’t, we begin to suffer and then nobody wins.
So here are my tried and proven tips for dealing with Energy Vampires.
(Not every tip is appropriate for every person and situation but you might find some of them useful)
1. Identify the Vampires in your life, acknowledge the impact they have on you and make a resolution to change the way you communicate (interact with, exist with) those people.
2. Don’t buy into their life’s-not-fair-and-nobody-understands-me monologues. Feed it and you’ll create a monster.
3. Be straight with them and tell them that you will not have the same conversations about the same issues any more (yes this takes courage).
4. This sounds harsh, but some Vampires need to be avoided.
5. Don’t give them too much time. When a Vampire walks into my office I stand as if I’m about to go somewhere. I’ll give them a few minutes and if I feel we’re heading down the same old path, I’ll start walking and shut the conversation down.
6. Ask them questions like “so you’ve identified the issues, tell me how you can change things for the better?”
7. If you have a Vampire who is in your life to stay (family perhaps), create some rules of engagement… “I will not talk about ‘these’ issues again until I see you doing XYZ.”
8. Choose your friends and acquaintances wisely. Make sure you spend (lots of) time with people who will drag you up, not down. You need to keep your tank full.
Spending lots of time with Vampires is draining and unenjoyable.
Footnote: Sometimes I struggle with some subject matter.
I often wonder whether or not I should cover some topics, or let them slide. I have had this weird kind of internal, cerebral tug-of-war about writing this particular post… but lately I have been working with lots of people who are struggling with Energy Vampires in their world and it just seemed to be timely and for many people, relevant.
Even though I am a professional motivational speaker and a personal development writer, I don’t feel compelled to write what people (necessarily) want to hear.
I do feel compelled to be honest, helpful, practical and realistic and to write what (I believe) people need to hear. The truth is that creating positive change in our life is not only an amazing, enlightening, educational and rewarding growth process… but it also often a messy, impractical, difficult, lumpy, bumpy and (at times) painful journey.
But it’s all worth it.
I know that sometimes what I write is not the ‘typical’ personal development message and not necessarily embraced by everyone.
I’m okay with that.
I’m not interested in making people feel warm and fuzzy (for ten minutes), I’m interested in cutting through the BS and dealing with real issues in a real and practical way so that you, the reader, might create your best life.
If all my writing does for you is entertain you, push a few buttons every now and then, and periodically make you chuckle, then I’m failing at my job.
Reading my posts ain’t enough.
Thinking about it ain’t enough.
Talking about it ain’t enough.
And even planning… ain’t enough.
It’s always about doing.
I know my message is not always ‘nice’, comfortable or universally embraced, but it’s the truth.
So that’s what you’ll get.
Let us know your thoughts on Energy Vampires.. and also where you are from.
If you’ve never left a message (scaredy cat), why don’t you make your craigharper.com debut today!!
PS. Was that the world’s longest footnote or what?
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What if your spouse is an energy vampire?
how do u know if u are one
p.s thinking positive helps not as much as love..
I believe my girlfriend is an emotional vampire. At the start of our relationship I was a happy and healthy 23 year old. In the 15 months of our relationship I have had constant health problems and have become sad and weak. My girlfriend has many alleged mental and physical health problems and apparently has had a series of terrible things happen to her in the past. However I think she mostly suffers from compulsive lying and constantly makes up stories for me to feel sorry for her. She never does anything about her problems just makes excuses. The worst thing about it all is that she has become so dependent of me that she has to constantly be in my presence and calls constantly. I have followed some advice from this article. I have reduced the contact with her to once a week and have outlined things she needs to do if she wants to stay in the relationship. Is there a cure for being a so called vampire or is there no hope of ever being happy in our relationship?
Hi man,
Thank you for your insights. I wonder if you can give me advice on how to deal with an energy vampire who I cannot avoid.
It is about my mom. She doesn’t like her job nor her life, and she makes sure to remind me of that every single day, even though I think she just makes major of minors and is causing unnecessary frustration for herself. Even now when I live in another city and have a stressful job, she still continues her habit of calling me every day and complain about her misery – same ones for the last 10 years. Nowadays, even an 1-minute conversation with her will drain my energy and I realize that this cannot continue! I’ve listened to her patiently and tried to come up with solutions for years, and yet nothing seems to help! she just returns with the same problems with the same people about the same issues which we have had the same conversation about for many times. I notice how I have become more and more angry at her when she starts complaining, but I do not want to be a bad son.
So what would you suggest that I do? I am a positive, hardworking person, and I have difficult targets that i want to achieve (so i need my energy). I really want my mom to feel good, but I cannot continue living this way (knowing that she will continue draining my energy every f day till I am like 60 years old..). Please advice me on how to deal with her, I would really appreciate your help!
Many thanks,
Mike
I realise that a friend of mine is like this. She’s not so much negative, as a constant talker who is quite obsessed with people who have wronged her in the past such as her 2 ex-husbands, her ex-husbands’ families and a previous employer. Just about every time I talk to her, she will mention one of these people at least once in a bitter way. I deal with this by changing the subject, quite abruptly sometimes, but she keeps going back to it. It’s now gotten to the stage where I see her caller ID on my phone and just ignore it, because she will talk about herself for at least half an hour without interruption. I feel guilty about this though, because she’s been very good to me in the past in helping me through a bad patch and giving me material help. I feel I owe her a lot, so I listen to her rants and raves, but feel increasingly frustrated by her self-obsession. She has many good points, but I just want her to lighten up and have some fun instead of going over and over the bad things that have happened to her in her life. Everyone has had bad things happen to them – I feel you can’t look back. You just have to learn from them and think of the future, not the past.
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