Today is the day of the week when I start the conversation and you guys finish it. Even though it’s not Thursday (our normal day). It’s the day when I leave the cyber-classroom and ask you to share an idea, insight, story, personal experience… or maybe the whole lot. I’ll start the engine but you need to keep the wheels turning. Today’s discussion about communication and conversation is relevant to every single one of us, so I’m looking forward to your input. As I always say, there’s no right or wrong here, only a respectful exchange of ideas and philosophies. If you’ve never commented before, then today I’m sending you a personal invitation to make your debut here at me-dot-com… we’re a friendly bunch. 
Food for My Body… and My Blog
As many of you know, my frequent trips to the supermarket often prove to be valuable and productive beyond the realm of merely acquiring the necessities for my fridge and pantry. That is, stomach. Invariably, I also find some food for my blog. Wherever there are people, there are stories and lessons. Today was no exception. Living in the same house on the same busy street for fifteen years means that it’s almost impossible for me to walk to the market without bumping into at least one or two people I know; which regularly turns my twenty minute shopping spree into a one hour adventure. Or saga; depending on who I happen to run in to.
The Pseudo-Conversation
Today I bumped into a bloke who I haven’t seen for years. It’s fair to say we’re not really friends; more acquaintances who have mutual friends. After enduring a gruelling ten minute monologue which was essentially a self-indulgent showcase of his enormous ego, he asked me his first and only question: “What have you been up to”? I knew he didn’t care but I chose to be polite and respond anyway. The moment I started to answer his question he began looking over my shoulder at something or someone who was clearly more interesting than me and my answer. It was as if the sound of my voice was a signal for him to dis-engage. He did not hear one word I said. He was completely disinterested. Realising I was wasting my time and breath, I stopped talking mid-sentence and just looked at him. The silence became apparent to him and as if programmed on some kind of auto-pilot, he came out with “wow, that’s great”.
You Said What?
“What’s great?”, I enquired. He looked uncomfortable. Of course he did; he had no idea what I was talking about or what was supposedly great. I could have made it easy for him. I chose not to. Natch. “What’s great” I asked again. I just looked at him and waited for my answer. The one he didn’t have.
Nasty? No.
Warranted? Yep.
Enjoyable? What do you think?
But Will He Learn?
I gladly let him squirm for fifteen seconds (or so) but decided against giving him the ten-minute lesson in effective communication, good manners and not being a dickhead. I then excused myself from the conversation and headed into the supermarket to stock up on peanut butter and cheesecake fruit and vegetables. He knew I thought he was a tool. I told him without actually telling him. Will he learn from his experience? Probably not; he didn’t really strike me as the student type. Apart from the fact that he spoke about himself the whole time, didn’t listen to a word I said, didn’t maintain eye contact (when I spoke) and then pretended to be fascinated by what he hadn’t heard… he was an amazing communicator. 
And You?
Do you ever bump into such people? Perhaps you work with them? Or worse still, live with them? Good grief; imagine that. 
Your Turn to Share…
1. So what are the conversation killers for you?
2. What do you do when you find yourself in a situation similar to the one described above?
3. What’s your “escape” strategy?
4. Do you think I should have been more (or perhaps less) tolerant?
5. Should we tell people when they’re being rude?
6. What’s the one thing that drives you nuts!?
7. A (brief) personal story?
Love to hear your thoughts.
xx
P.S. Don’t forget that I’ll be in Brisbane on the 22nd of this month (three Sundays away) to help you Queenslanders create (and keep) your best body with my Renovate Your Body Workshop. Among other things, I’ll tell you why most people fail – and how to be the exception. Love to see you there.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
I think conversation killers for me are either what you, Craig, experienced or the running-of-the-mouth person who just talks about herself/himself and doesn’t see a conversation as an interaction. In the first kind of situation, I’ll either just excuse myself and go away, or I’ll say, “Excuse me, are you listening?” and then I’ll go away.
Personally, Craig, I think your reaction seemed pretty Craiglike. The only tweak might be that maybe you just could have been more speedy in getting away? As soon as you saw the whites of his eyes glaze over?
As for telling people when they’re rude, I see nothing wrong with telling someone how his actions make me feel. But that’s only an option and not required. My first priority is to uphold my boundaries on how I want to be treated and to get away from people who boundary-cross. Someone doesn’t deserve my attention if that person doesn’t understand what a real conversation is, so good-bye asap.
Hi Craig,
What the hell? It’s 3:30 on Tuesday afternoon and not a single comment. Am I the only person in Australia who loathes the Melbourne Cup? Maybe this is my big chance: my fifteen minutes of fame. An empty stage and only little ol’ me in the spotlight. Maybe I should say something profound and spectacular? Mind-blowingly witty and hilarious? Something to change people’s lives forever?
Damn. I’ve got nothing. Oh, well. I’ll tell you about my mother instead.
My dear mother (bless her little spoilt Baby-boomer soul) is quite possibly the worst conversationalist in the known universe – and beyond. Conversationalist is probably too charitable a word. Monologist would be more accurate.
You know how babies (and, of course, Didgeridoo players) can do that ‘circular breathing’ thing so that they can feed and breathe without taking their mouth off the breast? – the babies, not the didgeridoo players, sorry. Well, my mother has mastered that skill for talking. It’s very impressive. She doesn’t actually need to stop for breath. Amazing.
The problem is that because she doesn’t need to, she doesn’t. Ever. It’s a good thing that she smokes or you’d never be able to enter the conversation. Even then all you’ll get in is a chopped off ‘Ah, you kno, what was th, I have to g …’ She doesn’t want a participant, she wants an audience. She’s the only person in Australia who is on the telemarketers’ ‘do not call’ list. Yep, the telemarketers in the Indian call centre lost patience with her. She would have them on the phone for an hour telling them about the family-tree she is researching. And they only called to sell her new guttering.
The other challenge is that she is a hypochondriac on my eldest sister’s behalf. Any disease or injury that you might be experiencing – Narelle has already had it, and had it much, much worse. You could phone her naively hoping for some sympathy and attention in your darkest hours (isn’t that what mothers are supposed to be for?) and all you’ll get is: ‘Oh, you’ve got the green-plumed, Madagascan, owl-eyed, three-toed sloth influenza? Narelle had that. Last year. But she was really sick.’ Hmmm. One day I’m going to ring and say that I have a sore scrotum …
Escape strategy? Completely gutless. I’m rather ashamed, actually. Promise you won’t tell? Okay: if I can’t get her off the phone, I ring my doorbell. Yes, I quietly open the front door and ring the doorbell. Horrible? Dishonest? Yeah, I know but you have to understand what it’s like. I’m sure that form of torture was outlawed under the Geneva Convention.
Okay, I’m going now. I suppose I should go and find out which horse won so I don’t look like a complete loser when people ask me about it later.
Enjoy the rest of your day,
Christina xxx
1. So what are the conversation killers for you?
As above your story Craig and the following:
1. those that talk about the sex they are getting and how big it is
2. bodily noises sorry to be a prude but talking about breaking wind as some sort of exciting new discovery is like, errr, no go away
3. When someone tells you how horrible life is – up to a point it is empathy, but when it is conveyed as something exciting I clam up, but it is so funny when you have a tragedy the Aussie way is ‘get over’ “what your house burnt down with your family inside it. Whatever, hey I got an ingrown toenail.”
I know as I have had that said to me, I don’t believe in dragging people down but I would not trivialise the passing of your pet snail let alone any other misfortune.
2. What do you do when you find yourself in a situation similar to the one described above?
Unfortunitly I am agressive ATM and tell them to f off. I know, not good.
3. What’s your “escape” strategy?
Avoidence.
4. Do you think I should have been more (or perhaps less) tolerant?
I don’t think you should judge him outright as a ‘tool’ that might be where he is at but maybe deep down not who he is, but having said that less tolerant Craig, he obviously wanted you to care and be interested for some ego stroking but without getting it back. A narcissist?
5. Should we tell people when they’re being rude?
I can’t but I admire people that do, it is just that sometimes it should be done in private even at a party or whatever.
6. What’s the one thing that drives you nuts!?
Being told to get over it, move on, let go, build a bridge and get over it, being so dismissive of issues and other’s views. Case in point, and I don’t want to start on the board, but I don’t believe in statements like ‘they are boat people so let them be eaten”. I am not debating that issue, just showing how I don’t like a view imposed in a conversation and then I am expected to agree and if I don’t cliches like unaustralian and terriorist supporter are mentioned.
7. A (brief) personal story?
I was bullied at work and being male you can’t complain and when I was asked by someone when I left they killed the conversation by saying it was my fault and that I should apolgise to said bullier. When I said I did but the bully continued this person just went well you deserved it like a woman who goes out in shorts and gets assulted.
BTW i’m sorry but it was a woman who said this to me, followed by endless get over it statements but the bully did not get over it as I resigned but keep in contact with two that work there as we share an interest in research. This bully, who is not senior, told my boss I should not be allowed in the building. Boss agreed.
Well I am not sure that I have a right to comment on this one as I am the person that tries to make conversation with people because I am very quiet and shy, it’s the only way that I get by. I am working in a temp role at the moment and i notice in the work that I do and in social times outside of work that no one cares or wants to hear much about you the question of “what have you been up to” is a “polite” statement but how many people genuinely care how you are or what you have been up to. I have “friends” that as stuff like that or similar statements but really there are not too many people out there that do care.
Being a quiet person, I have to try to make conversation with people but rarely do i find that people are interested in anything other than themselves, everyone has their own stuff happening in their life but i guess when your a quiet person you need to put yourself out there or you get left behind (Which happens to me most of the time anyway) It’s just one of those things i think.
There are some people that I can have a brilliant conversation with and talk to for a long time where both or all parties are interested in what each other have to say and there are others that just dont care.
My escape (at work) is to use work deadlines and workloads to get away in social situations loo stops or someone you know has just walked in that you need to say hi to. (tacky i know) but sometimes i think it’s best to get away from people who are not showing an interest in the conversation anyway.
Personal story – I have/had two friends who i used to play social indoor sport with once a week, we used to catch up ocassionally outside of game times, i went through a pretty rough patch a few years back and these two friends (or so i thought – one is still a frind but we are not very close anymore) were people that I could rely on and talk to about this stuff as one had been through similar stuff herself. We would chat and text regularly and one day one of the girls sent a text that was about me to me “accidentally” it wasn’t meant for me was clearly meant for the other one of the three of us. A prime example of someone that simply doesn’t care, the text i got was really harsh and nasty, for the first time in my life i responded and said thanks, I am not sure that text was for me but dont bother contacting me again if that is your opinion, not only did it hurt me to know that she thought that but the fact that she didn’t communicate it to me and it was obvious that this wasn’t the first message of this type peeved me off, I was guttered and saw her again a few months back she ignored me and i almost disolved into a heap (in a public place at the gym in front of my trainer). God that hurt.
Anyway This isn’t really totally in line with the topic but close and I am not sure why i felt i should write on here today. I am quite new to here but I am not putting my name on this post as i know some others that use this site.
Sorry to bore you all with this. Communication is a tough topic and when you have been “hurt” by forms of communication it tends to send nasty tastes for you.
Anyway, hope some people out there won some cash on the cup I am not really a horse person but it’s a tradiation to watch the cup.
Have a great week all.
No Name if you ever read this, don’t worry I have split from family and friends over Facebook, internet chat, SMS and Email abuse such as that.
The main thing they do is cut off all contact with you and refuse to speak especially if they are in the wrong.
Cowards because they don’t face you in real life.
I am not going to say don’t get hurt as I am being cyberbullied ATM long story but that’s not the point, the thing is these people do this but often won’t face you and their inflexibility is maddening. But often they were bullied themselves. Do we blame the technology or humans: perhaps both because people did this in the past but the technology of SMS and internet causes so much misunderstanding. Sorry you went throught that.
One time, when someone said “What’s up?” I answered “Do you really want to know or is that just a ‘Hi’?” I found that 95% of the time “What’s up?” is followed by “Not much.” that it’s almost like “Thank you” and “You are welcome”. But yeah, it was a friend that I haven’t seen for a while. I was just joking. We genuinely did want to know what each other has been up to. However, if it’s obvious that someone is just being polite and doesn’t really care, I’ll answer with the standard “not much”.
A conversation killer for me is when the other person can only see their side of an issue.You can give them example after example to show the other side at least has some validity, but their tunnel vision won’t allow them to see past their biased and partisan views.
Fortunately, I’ve not encountered the rude ego/narcisist that you ran into,Craig.I think you handled him perfectly-letting him squirm a bit! I’m like AmericanGirl-as soon as I saw his eyes glaze,I would’ve told “his rudeness” I had to go.
The thing that totally drives me nuts is when someone constantly interupts others.
As you said in the beginning,communication is important to all of us. As a chiropractor,I sometimes see people when they are in severe pain. As you know,this can make even the most easy going person cranky and even downrite nasty! With compassion, caring,and patience, I find I can communicate to him that he is in the righ place and I can help him. On the other hand,if I dismissed this person because I thought he was being a pain,instead of in pain,that would be one less person I could have had the opportunity to help.
I’m a terrible conversationalist! I never know what to say, and I’m self-conscious about saying something stupid. I have to think about things in order for them to come out right. I’m the person who thinks of exactly the right thing to say about 20 minutes too late! Also, I can’t ‘hear’ what I think while listening to someone else talk. So, I try to be a good listener, and hope I don’t have to contribute too much! I’ve found that, if I stop to think about what I want to say, many people take this ‘hesitation’ as dishonesty. No, just me, trying not to look like a blithering idiot! (Or maybe I really AM a blithering idiot, and trying not to look like one IS dishonest!)
On the other hand, I LOVE e-mail and text messages! They’re timely, expedient, and I have time to think about what I want to say, edit it as needed, and still not miss what the other person is saying. I also remember what I read more than what I hear, and can always go back and check any details I might have forgotten. (Also great for doing business, since there’s a record of what’s going on. At the end of a busy day, don’t ask me what somebody said. I won’t remember!)
I’m MUCH better at written communication! This is a form of ‘conversation’ I actually feel competent to participate in!
As for listening to other people’s problems, I am a fairly positive person, but try never to be dismissive. I have definitely been through my share of tough times, and I choose not to dwell on them. People who know my story ask me how I do it. It took a lot of determination to find the strength to rise above. I’m just determined not to let the past ruin the rest of my life.
Even if someone else’s problems seem fairly trivial in comparison, we have to remember that it’s important to them because it’s personal. (I think we had a conversation about this back in early July, following the death of Michael Jackson, regarding global tragedies vs. personal tragedies.)
I do think it’s sad though, how competitive society can be. We compete with our accomplishments, and our possessions, but also with our problems.
Have a great day all!
Sandra
I just love it when people look at my forehead when they talk to me?!
I wonder if there is some defect or something there that they find more interesting than what I am saying.
I find myself in that situation quite a lot Craig. I put it down to possibly being my fault because I asked them how they were in the first place! The best escape strategy is to soften your eyes and then place a smile in them, grin kindly and say “It’s great to see you, have a really good day”. ….even if it might be a teeny tiny lie!
You handled yourself extremely well Craig. Maybe, just maybe, you planted a seed in him somewhere that may just get him to realise that he might try harder to listen to the next person, or the next time he bumps into you. Which you are bound to do. Make sure you stop and listen/talk to him next time, or the next time after that if you ignor him, and ignor him again could be more than uncomfortable the next time….make sense?
I was walking last night at dusk an, as I was crossing over a railway line on a bridge, I passed a woman who did not call me back after a couple of messages to see if her daughter was re-enroling in classes. She did not know where to look. I looked at her in the face after confirming it was her, however she looked away, (she had ear pieces in from her ipod). That’s OK – I did feel her discomfort. She knows.
It’s good to tell (or make feel) when your friend or family member is being rude. Important in the understanding of relationships I guess. Before going on the walk last night, I said to my live-in lover man “Wow look how dirty the rain drops made my lovely new car!” Instead of waiting the appropriate time to make a ‘me’ or ‘car’ related response, he responded immediately (less that .5 of a second) “So is mine….” Before he could continue to talk about his car and him…..I softened my eyes, then put a smile in them and said his name, then paused and said “It’s not all about you”.
He understood. He’s pretty good otherwise!
Have a great day!
ROFL Christina, you are hilarous!
At least your mother can speak my father cant even converse.. it is really strange I call him (as I am trying to love him) and it is
Hi Dad
Hi love
SILENCE
how are you?
OH good love
how was your day?
Yeah worked love…
SILENCE
Mum home?
I will get her…
And if in person he just clings, he now loves my sisters new husband to be.. so we had to make a code that when we saw dad talking to Richard longer than say oh 40 mins we would ask him if he wanted to tea ..which was meant to be the token dad you are talking history crap and give poor Richard some breathing space…, but yet MR unaware still cant get this.. It is just so sad…
Anyway I prefer NOT to ask or even respond now am much more comfortable sitting behind a mic and avoiding conversations or an IPOD at work at least music doesnt speak back to you;) or rather I choose what is says .. Now i just do my best to give by listening to crap but I also do now I can be quirte Self Obsessed myself at times so probably best to keep to thyself:)
my hubby has a knack for speaking over me… grrr! i’ll start to say something, and he’ll start – louder… i’ll wait.. thinking it was not on purpose… then try again… and again – he’ll start speaking over me… very annoying!! makes you not want to bother! i feel like he feels it’s a competition sometimes!
I always make a point of genuinely asking others how they are, being in the moment listening to their responses…and most of the time I get zero. Not even a “Well how are you” and if I raise something important to me it is invariably turned to their experiences. Do people really find it that hard to communicate and show empathy. Not sympathy, empathy. Nuh. nope. zero. and if my darling mum says one more time that she is going to burn her house down so she can get new stuff like me Im fair dinkum going to pop her. Insensitive dipstick. hehe. ok ok evil hellen is getting put to bed for the day. feel much better having vented thanks. that is if anyone is listening. hello? anyone there?
Conversation killer! Yep when my friend starts to discuss the farting habits of her son and how funny it is cause it smells. then the details of how he let it rip and what the reaction was. Do i walk away?, nope, i sit there and listen like Im really interested in the subject.
Having just started recovering from a really awful flu, (I knew I wasn’t having any fun last weekend) just wanted to pay tribute to my late friend Annie. Her trademark in any conversation, with anyone she knew, was that she wanted to know all about the other person’s life and well-being in the most genuine way. Even when she was really sick and in great pain, she was listening with love.
Too bad the guy in the shop isn’t a student type.
Hi Craig,
I thought your response was wonderful. I think if people don’t have enough respect to listen to you when THEY ask how you are or how are things then they should be ignored or put in their place.
I have friends, in- laws, sisters- in- laws and my own father who have the same attitude. I find these people have no personality and only think of themselves. If its not about them then they’re not interested.
For years I always tried to do the right thing and create conversation, show respect but these people have remained the same,selfish.Why should the kind and caring ones keep making the effort. If these people have an attitude then they don’t deserve our time.
Afters so many years I finally decided I deserve better and I will make an effort with people who deserve me.
I am what Craig lovingly refers to as a lurker, but feel the need to put in my 5 cents worth here. Only last night I had a call from a life long friend that I don’t see much of anymore but keep in touch with. Firstly, at the time of 5 pm it was pretty clear that as is so often the case, she was half way to being quite drunk. Since I had to get off the treadmill for my much anticipated walk because my kids were cooking dinner, I was off to a bad start on the conversation and quite franking feeling imposed upon!
An hour and a quarter later, she was still probably none the wiser on what I had been doing and showing astonishment at stuff that I had been telling her my involvement in for at least 3 years.
Even her story about going to court to get back her license after losing it for 6 months for drunk driving, didn’t cause her incredible embarassment, but was obviously just another example of her fabulousness when the judge couldn’t believe her age! I thought he may have been incredulous that at her age she could be so bloody stupid, but if that’s what he meant, it was lost on her!!
People who use every comment you make in a conversation to be a pivot point for another story about themselves are what really cheese me right off.
My mother in law is another perfect example, but I won’t go there, just relay something I say when impersonating her conversational prowess. ” Anyway, that’s enough about me. What do you think about me?”. It never fails to amuse me.
I was speaking with a coworker once. She was going on and on about seeing this motivational speaker soon, and how great he was. When I was able to wedge myself in the conversation, I noticed she was just nodding at everything I said…completely zoned out. I decided to test her.
Me: I don’t know about you, but it’s quite possible my favorite motivational speaker is Kermit the Frog…
Her: Oh yeah. Right. Right.
Me: I saw him on college campus. He really is great.
Her: Mm hm.
Me: You should go see him speak next time he’s got an engagement.
Her: Of course. Right. Yeah. Uh huh. (nod nod nod).
I’m tempted to see how much I can get away with.
Hi Kate,
Glad it gave you a giggle.
BTW, I think we have the same father (stranger things have happened).
Enjoy the rest of your Wednesday.
Christina xxx
Sorry, did you say something? I was just rehearsing my response…
Hi Craig and everyone else!
I am new to this forum and have been having a read through some of the older posts while I sit at the irport waiting for my flight to board (i arrived way too early!). I just had to respond to this post though as I loved how you handled the tool at the market. Noice.
Reading through everyones responses my conversation killers are a combination of most of yours but in particular, something I find enormously off putting is somebody who doesn’t consistently look in your eye when conversing. Instead they continuously flick their eyes down at your top, your pants, whatever then back up to your face and down again, as if under the impression I cant see what they’re doing. It makes me feel extremely self-conscious and what I would like to say is “what the he’ll are you looking at?” but what I normally do is drop my gaze to wherever they’re looking and pause… I might even frown just slightly. It’s a silent interaction but it speaks volumes to them as I can see their struggle plain as day on their face for the rest of the conversation, trying their darndest to not flick their eyes away agan.
Another killer for me is the person who always tries to match or top what you say usually when it involves some kind of ailment eg ME: “my left foot is aching for some reason” THEM “mine has been aching too, but it’s been like that for days now” ME: ”I’ve had such a headache today” THEM: “oh well I was up half the night with a migraine… I’m running on two hours sleep and I still have a 12 hour shift to do”. I suppose this is just a variation on the person who always relates every part of a conversation back to themselves somehow… what’s with that? Seriously?! I usually just smile, no response, walk away. It’s either that or run the risk of being mean or starting a fight & frankly I’m not interested.
In saying that, I recently ended a long time friendship I had with a high-school friend when I finally had enough of pretending it was ok for her to say some of the things she would say to me. She was judgemental and often harsh but would attempt to sugar coat comments with “I don’t mean to sound harsh but…” “it’s just my opinion but you need to…” “i don’t know why you’re like that, not that it’s a bad thing” etc. I have some pretty deep self esteem issues so I put up with that crap and more for years, even thinking many times that she was being just trying to be a good friend in her own way. Bollocks. She cares about herself, her world, only. I finally realised that I didn’t deserve this and that while maybe she did actually care about our friendhip, her way of showing it was no longer acceptable to me & if nothing else we had simply grown apart. So it was bye bye BFF’s. I honestly feel so much better now it’s done so at this moment I’m definitely sitting in the camp with those that think “he’ll yeah you should tell someone they’re being rude”. Just do it with tact & respect. Don’t mimic their rudeness or arrogance etc otherwise you’re just as bad. Stooping never accomplishes anything.
Enyhoo I reckon I’ve rambled enough for my first post… Happy hump day!
Hi Girls and Boys – thanks for all your input… interesting, insightful and some of it, hilarious.. A big hello to our Newbies; Nic, Penny, Angus…. and anyone I may have missed
xx
Well how is this for a revelation.
Not thinking about this post had argument with significant other and told him i hated the way he texts me and then turns phone off so i cant reply, BINGO!!!.
That is my pet peeve. He always tells me how much he has sacrificed for me and how since his accident life isnt worth living and how i should of let him die and so on.Then preceeds to tell me if i had more of this or that the kids would be more disciplined more respectfull more something or rather.
I want to reply ( maybe i shouldnt) and i cant as his phone is off i get no chance to defend myself and as usual he gets the last word boy does that make me fume. Sometimes i wish phones had built in tazers as i would zap him.
I get so tired of being the one to always say sorry and Im getting a sore back from being the door mat.
I have learned silence from the talkative, toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.
Kahlil Gibran
I wash my hands of those who imagine chattering to be knowledge, silence to be ignorance, and affection to be art.
Kahlil Gibran
Our task must be to free ourselves by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty.
Albert Einstein
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Albert Einstein