Being Right
Lately, it occurs to me that we are a society obsessed with being right. Sometimes, anyway. Especially when it comes to our personal beliefs, standards and behaviours. Just listen to a politician. A religious leader. A health expert. Or maybe, your dear-old dad. Or you. Or me. Just saying. They (we) all have their own non-negotiable beliefs. Which work well sometimes. In some situations. But not all the time. The key is to know when. And when not. How often do you hear people say “I was wrong” or “I don’t really know” or “I’m not sure, what do you think?”
Not very.
The Need to be Right
Pick a topic that’s relevant to all of us (religion, marriage, sexuality, the best diet, the best way to exercise, the best way to make money) and you’ll find that many of us are committed to, not only defending, explaining and voicing our beliefs at every available opportunity but also, imposing our personal paradigm (thinking, beliefs, world view) on as many people as possible. Some of us thrive on being right. *The need to be right comes mostly from fear and ego but we won’t explore that today.
Because of my background and field of (alleged) expertise, I am constantly being bombarded by people who feel compelled to teach me the most effective way to eat and exercise. That is, the science of physical transformation. When people that I don’t know email me advice that I haven’t asked for while wrapping it in an ‘I care about you’ ribbon, I smile. And press delete. Invariably, they want me to endorse or promote some kind of product.
Friendship Rules?
It’s also occurred to me lately that I have many friends with whom I disagree on a range of issues (from time to time). Philosophically, spiritually, strategically, professionally and personally. Maybe I’m difficult? Fortunately, for both, my friends and me, the health and on-going survival of our relationship is not dependant on agreement, alignment or common belief. If my friends all thought like me, behaved like me and constantly agreed with me, I’d be surrounded by a bunch of… me.
Definitely not what I’m after.
Yes, I will share my version of reality with people when I believe it’s appropriate and someone is interested (like I’m doing right now) but in the context of my day-to-day life, I never impose my thinking on anyone. Interestingly, I’m often told how quiet I am in social situations. As a rule, I’m more interested in listening than speaking. Anyway, I’m glad we’re all different and I’m glad we don’t all live in the same place.
Tolerance
Sadly, in the middle of our differences, the thing we’re so often missing is tolerance. Too many of us have an unhealthy need to be right. Why isn’t it okay for you to believe ‘A’ while I believe ‘B’? Does it really matter? I mean really? Sometimes it might but most times it won’t. I think we could go a long way to eradicating the ‘need to be right’ problem (for want of a better term) if we were to ask ourselves two questions in relevant situations:
1. Are her beliefs really hurting anyone?
2. In the middle of his beliefs, is he (mostly) happy?
If the answers are no and yes (and they usually are), then I have no compulsion or instinct to share another perspective – no matter how right I might think I am. Yes, there are exceptions to the rule – especially in relation to question one – (please don’t feel the need to share them here) but my experience has taught me that, in most situations, the two-question protocol works fine. If, per chance, someone believes in something that doesn’t actually exist but the net result of her belief is zero harm to anyone else and considerable happiness to her then why on earth would I challenge that?
If the guy whose life revolves around believing in the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and Santa is happy because of those beliefs (happiness being the universal goal – and if he’s not trying to force his beliefs on any one else) then I have no interest in teaching him something new. In fact, I’d like to learn from him.
Dear Santa…
Same but Different
I have two business partners; Mikey and Johnny. I love them both like brothers. While we share many common beliefs and values (we’re all totally committed to pointless lunch-time conversation, laughter and hurting ourselves in the gym), there are also areas where our thinking, behaviour and habits totally diverge. However, in the middle of our individuality, I never wonder who’s right or wrong. Instead, I just appreciate and celebrate our differences.
And quietly know that I’m better. 
As always, I would love to hear your thoughts…
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{ 23 comments… read them below or add one }
I think [and I could easily be wrong] that there are very few absolute rights or wrongs. If I find anyone who agrees with me too often then I know that I am probably wrong. There are some things that I believe are right or wrong but I know it is only my opinion [see above] and my opinion only really matters to me. Very little in life is black or white – mostly shades of grey. I do admit that sometimes I do voice an opinion just to see you is silly enough to agree with me. Is that right? no probably not but it is fun.
Love this article, and most of your comments. One question I have is about Paleo eating. What are your thoughts on No Grain?
You didn’t highlight it in the post but I like the shift from tolerance to appreciating differences.
Au contraire. No shift required. I believe that appreciating differences actually requires tolerance.
My 10 year old asked me just before Christmas if i believe in Santa? I said yes….because i do believe in him. It was nice to have a belief which was “happily the same”. We had an awesome Christmas.
At least you didn’t write ‘just sayin’ in this article, people over 19 should not use that, it’s a young person’s term and I am right on this. Now the rest of the article – perfect.
I have a brother who “is always right” and likes to give his two bobs worth all the time. Interestly enough though, I have always taken his opinion as gospel and most of the time get offended by his delivery. I have now learned that yes, he may think he’s right and he sometimes is but I no longer have to always agree with him just to keep the peace like I have in the past.
I just wish that he would realise that “we” (him and I) are polar opposites and if he would stop trying to change me, then there is a small possibility that he would start to learn who his sister really is and we could have an awesome brother/sister relationship.
so many shades of gray. it wasn’t till i left the traditional church that i learnt about acceptance and not judging others for believing differently. it’s a beautiful thing – acceptance, to both give and receive.
What if the answers to the two questions are ‘yes’ and ‘yes’, which has occurred recently to my friendship group? How to move forward? A lifestyle choice, of someone I did consider a close friend of mine, has now started to hurt those around her and from what I can gather there is no sign of empathy on her behalf or understanding of the hurt she has caused……as a result her closest friends feel the need to distance themselves, is this wrong of us? What happens when respect and trust has been shattered, following her actions, but more so by the way she has chosen deal with the consequences? I wholeheartedly agree that difference should be celebrated, but what do you do when people get hurt? I am struggling with this, any perspective that others can give me on this would be truly appreciated.
Would you consider your next post being on the topic ‘The need to be right comes mostly from fear and ego’?
I’d really enjoy reading your view on this. Have a great day!
Not my next one Dianna – but I’ll do my best to get it done soon. Good idea.
Yes, we are a society obsessed with being right – especially on websites and blogs! I don’t know whether it’s the anonymity and safety of being behind a computer screen, but many exchanges I read between bloggers around a particular issue are quite nasty, vicious and aggressive – out of proportion to the opinions expressed. It’s like some people just want to build themselves up by tearing other people down. I wonder if these same people would be that aggressive if they were face to face with others.
You raise a great point GH. To me, the way some people communicate (not the right term) on the net is disgusting, hurtful and pointless. I find arguing and criticising to be a total waste of mental, physical and emotional energy.
I’m glad we’re all different too. Imagine what a boring world we would live in if we all shared the same views/beliefs and opinions. Would there even be any point to conversation? ‘Just Sayin’ (hahaha, couldn’t resist that one @ I’m Right)- and I am quite a bit older than 19.
Have a great day, people! It’s looking beautiful here in Perth, this morning.
I just love today’s article, it was so appropriate for me right now! You are so on the right track with this stuff! And so gifted at it! Thank you!
Who has to be wrong so that I can be right? We can be so invested in being right. What if it is all perfect right now?
(And to anaonymous at 9.21am – the only question that I ask you is “how do you put love into it? Unconditional love – for you and your friend?”)
Have just connected with http://www.theglobalconversation.com which provides a forum to create positive change through dialogue with each other. Discussing the seven simple questions that can change the world. Celebrate the conversation I say. Gratitude to Craig for providing a space for people to converse, learn, grow and love.
Thanks for another fantastic article Craig
Love love love the article… Why? Because I find myself always trying to be right, however I thought it was because of my need to be understood… the ego/fear concept is intriguing ( I agree with Dianna, can you explore that for us)…
I also think that there are two types of people, those that listen and those that try to be right – I wish I could be in the first group of people, there is a lot less competition!!!!!
Thanks CH for an open chat about a world impacting topic; why do wars start?
“Once I thought I was wrong , but I was mistaken”
One thing I have found, in a job role requiring extensive interpersonal relations and commercial need for astute liaison, it is quite easy to admit to being wrong (or atleast not right).
It is very easy to say “sorry, you are right I am wrong”, in any situation where the interlocutor has a demonstrably valid and probably correct arguement, particularly from their perspective. Always remember to share your empathy. I feel significant relief within my self under such circumstances
Great article Craig and, as usual, beautifully crafted….
Rarely do I feel the need to defend my opinion or point of view as I realised a long time ago that, although I was very interested/curious in hearing others peoples philosophy, it is seldom reciprocated.
And yet it never ceases to amaze me the number of people who, with great confidence, make obscure sweeping statements based on little or no factual evidence.
To take this even further; there are also those who’s ego demands that they always go ‘one better’..one upmanship is rife in most social groups and can be comical if you remain detached.
Has anyone else had similar experiences?
Hi all
I like Nikki’s answer about it being a boring world if we were all the same. That doesn’t mean you all weren’t right in your replies!
I appreciate the time and thought that goes into what goes on in Craig’s head and then given to us to question and ponder.
Thankyou xxoo
Dear Craig,
I’m so glad I found your website last year when I started an actual work with myself. You always have perfect timing with the topics:)
I just had argument with my mother with whom I do not live together and who can not accept that I am a grown-up woman with my own beliefs that differ from hers. Sometimes I just don’t know how to deal with her without raising my voice..
Greetings from Latvia:)
Thanks for the post and a nicely timed re-enforcement of a recent learning. After meeting a woman in Buenos Aires and then ‘meeting up’ with her in Paris some months later, it seemed like a beautiful (and a little surreal) situation. But then in steps ‘ego’ and to put a stop to that. It is remarkable how the ego comes to the fore when ones status quo is threatened. The biggest learning I have had in a long time! Thankfully, I have been able to keep the ego in check (most of the time) since then but a tough way to get the lesson none the less.