Motivational Speaker - Craig Harper » Psychology

Who’s Really Got Their Shit Together?

Craig — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 16:08:01 +0000

Pushing Buttons

Well, it seems that Monday’s post pushed a few emotional buttons. Craig, the button pusher; I may just add that to my business card. So clearly, I’m not flying solo when it comes to the matter of irrational and destructive eating habits. Not only were there many interesting comments and responses to the post itself but I also received more than fifty emails from people who felt some level of connection or identification with my story.

Hello fellow foodies.

Issues Are Us

“Thanks Heaps for this today, I really needed to hear even my Guru has issues.” (Simone K)

For me, the most interesting piece of feedback was that people were either surprised or comforted by the fact that somebody ‘like me’ (not a guru, but thanks Simone) would (1) have such issues or (2) talk about them publicly. Yesterday, a well-meaning person even asked me if I thought that my ‘disclosure’ might hurt my brand, professional credibility or business. They thought it might.

Wow.

Didn’t even cross my mind. Still doesn’t.

Pracademia

I actually think the fact that much of my learning has been experiential and first-hand (as opposed to purely academic) makes what I have to say (about the topic in question) more credible, not less. But that’s just me. Surely, if there’s anything crazier than admitting you have issues it would be to claim you have none? Having a particular qualification, title, reputation or knowledge base doesn’t exclude a person from thinking dumb shit or doing dumb shit. And I should know.

So should you.

I’ve worked with dieticians who have eating disorders. Doctors with drug problems. Marriage counselors who are cheating on their spouses. Trainers who don’t train themselves. And the conversation I’ve had the most over the years (apart from the “how do I get a smaller arse” dialogue), is the “But Craig, I feel like a fake, fraud, weirdo, loser” conversation. “If only people knew what I’m really like”. Welcome to the club. That particular mindset puts you in the majority, not the minority. Ironically, the very things that we believe make us different (our weirdness, our dirty little secrets, our issues), actually make us the same. We’re all works in progress.

ALL of us.

After all, every one of us is dysfunctional on some level. In some area of our lives. It’s not optional. It’s part of the human condition. According to my soon-to-be world famous “who’s really got their shit together?” model of behavioural psychology (© Craig Harper, 2012), there are two distinct groups of people: (1) those who present themselves as without issues and (2) those who are honest.

Just saying.

Until I acknowledge my issues, I can’t deal with them. Until I acknowledge my issues, I’ll continue to experience the same problems, frustrations and road blocks. Same goes for you. The point of admitting, owning up and stepping up is not to beat ourselves up or to self-loathe but rather, to acknowledge ‘what is’ and to begin the change process in a realistic, humble and courageous manner.

You’re weird and you’re okay. Just like me.

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My Relationship with Food

Craig — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 16:19:40 +0000

I don’t often write long posts these days (apparently they don’t ‘work’ in the blogosphere) but for some of you, taking five minutes out of your busy schedule to read the following might be very worthwhile…

Food and You

What kind of relationship do you have with food? Healthy? Unhealthy? On again, off again? Is she your high-calorie, high-guilt mistress? Do the two of you get together late at night? Under the cover of darkness? Away from prying eyes? Do you find yourself day-dreaming about her? Does she call out your name from behind her seductive wrapper? Is she your escape? Your medication? Your distraction? Your drug of choice? Is she your dirty little secret?

Over the years, she’s been all of that (and more) in my life.

Food and I have had a torrid and tempestuous affair for as long as I can remember. She wooed me with her tastes, textures and smells when I was but a child. A fat child. As a kid, I was a total foodie. I loved food. I mean l-o-v-e-d it. And not in a healthy way. I thought about it, lied about it, planned for it, bargained for it (at school) and consumed it at every opportunity.

I even hid it.

Like a squirrel storing nuts for the winter. A fat, sneaky teenage squirrel.

For a long time, food represented pleasure in my life. Instant, glorious, sensory pleasure. It was my drug of choice. My escape. Interestingly, I would later discover (as an adult) that the moment certain foods pass my lips, a roller-coaster of feel-good chemical reactions are triggered. Not unlike the experience of a drug addict.

Amazing huh?

Addicted to Pleasure

Interestingly, alcohol, drugs, food, sex (and a bunch of other things) are very similar (on a level) in that they can all produce an almost-instant feel-good chemical response. If you’re a dog lover, even lying on the floor with your canine buddy can facilitate biochemical changes throughout your entire body in a matter of seconds. Dopamine (a chemical associated with pleasure) is released in certain areas of the brain (specifically, the nucleus accumbens and the prefrontal cortex) by, not just addicts using their drug of choice, but also by the guy inhaling donuts at his desk. And the couple sharing their nightly glass of wine. Or five.

No wonder addiction is such a huge problem in our society.

In reality, the addiction is actually pleasure. It’s only the mechanism that varies.

One day, while peering out of my fat teenage body, I experienced something of a paradigm shift. A realisation. Things changed. Or, more accurately, I began to change. Because of my ever-expanding body (and the subsequent issues and challenges), I started to associate food with pain. Emotional pain. Psychological pain. Sociological pain.

And then to ease all that pain, I’d eat. Of course I did. I’d numb the emotional pain (of being a fat kid) with some momentary physical pleasure. Namely, food. In hindsight, not a great strategy. And something of a vicious cycle. But then I was never that smart around the pantry.

Okay, not smart in general.

A Glorious Distraction

And that story is the reality for many over-eaters. It’s a messy cycle of reactions, emotions and regrettable decisions. I was not (am not) unique. It’s curious that the same thing can be the source of both pleasure and pain. For the same person. And more often than not, all in the space of five minutes. Of course, we don’t always eat because we ‘need’ food. No, we eat because it makes us feel great. For a moment. For many people, food is a glorious distraction.

From the crap. The pain. The reality of a certain situation.

For years (as an adult), I ignored much of what I knew (about health and intelligent nutrition). Unbeknown to most people in my world, I was constantly alternating from healthy choices and behaviours (around food) to unhealthy ones. I constantly did what I knew I shouldn’t do. And then I would rationalise the crap out of my destructive habits. If there’s one thing I excelled at, it was rationalising bad behaviour and poor choices. I could justify anything to anyone.

Including myself.

I remember a time in the nineties (I was in my late twenties) when I had a thriving personal training business (probably the busiest in Australia), was a well-known trainer and educator and when nobody was looking, I was eating my arse off. Or, more accurately, eating it on. One day, I stepped on the scales at work and the number said 117kgs. 257lbs.

F*ck! Was my measured response.

To put that number in perspective, my weight today is 86kgs (189lbs). In that moment, I felt sick at the sight of those three numbers: 1, 1 and 7. Sick and disgusted. And ashamed. The days of living in baggy trackpants and big sweat shirts had to come to an end. The only thing that stopped people from realising how fat I actually was (the fat trainer; not a great career move), was my muscle mass and my baggy wardrobe.

Yes, my biceps were big. But sadly, my gut was bigger.

Big, Fat, Fraud

For years, I felt conflicted about food. How could one thing be the source of so many emotions and issues? I knew what to do but I didn’t do what I knew. I often felt like a fraud and a fake. And in many ways, I was. There were many times when I was all or nothing. Years, in fact. I was either eating like a competitive bodybuilder (lean and clean) or a bear about to hibernate for the winter.

A bear with food issues.

I guess I was about thirty years old when I became significantly more aware of (and proactive about) my relationship with food. I acknowledged that it was more about the emotional and less about the physical. For me. I stopped waiting for my food issue to ‘sort itself out’.

Finally.

Over time, I came to explore and understand the concept of conscious eating. Of listening to, and respecting, my body. Of delaying gratification (that was massive for me). Of owning up and stepping up. To my behaviours and my decisions. Of course there were ups and downs. Peaks and troughs. Physically and emotionally. All part of the transformation process. My unhealthy relationship with food was so long-standing that it would have been unrealistic and ignorant of me to expect a ‘quick-fix’.

And don’t we love quick-fixes.

I came to acknowledge (publically) that I had an issue with food. Not dissimilar to admitting alcoholism or drug addiction. I acknowledged that I had behaved erratically around food. For a long time. Too long. That I had destructive and unhealthy habits. That I needed to change my relationship with food.

Uniquely Wired. Or is that Uniquely Weird?

Over the years, I’ve come to understand that we all have our own unique relationship with food. Some of us have a healthy relationship, some unhealthy and some, somewhere in the middle. My experience has taught me that there is no single best strategy when it comes to the issue of food or changing our relationship with it. Clearly, different things work for different people. Which is why no single program or product has a one hundred percent success rate. The way we each feel, behave and react around food is influenced by many things: physical, emotional, psychological and sociological.

It might interest you to know that over the last twenty (plus) years I’ve worked with numerous doctors, psychologists, trainers, dieticians and professional athletes who have struggled with food issues. Their eating habits typically sat somewhere on the scale between ‘disordered eating’ and ‘eating disorder’. And while education and knowledge might influence behaviour (and outcomes), they certainly don’t determine it. People who believe that the solution to our current obesity is education (alone) clearly don’t understand the depth or the complexity of all the relevant issues.

More importantly, they don’t understand the way people behave around food.

I’m not here today to give a prescription for, or solution to, anything. My intention with this post is merely to open a conversation that might be interesting and relevant for some. To stimulate thought and to share some of my personal story. What you do or don’t do with this information is totally up to you.

Abstinence?

One of the obvious challenges for a ‘foodie’ (me) is that I can’t avoid it or remove it from my life (as is the strategy with many other addictions). Therefore, I need an eating strategy and philosophy that works for me. Practically and emotionally. For example, over the last few years, I’ve discovered that I’m better off avoiding certain things altogether (cheesecake for example), than to have the occasional piece. When I don’t eat it at all, I don’t miss it (honestly) but when I do open the cheesecake door, it’s like I flick some kind of chemical switch that’s almost impossible to shut down. As crazy as it sounds, it’s more enjoyable for me to have none, than ‘just a small piece’.

For years, people have told me that “one piece won’t kill me”. In a literal sense, they’re right. Obviously. But can you imagine telling an alcoholic to have ‘just one beer’? Of course, I don’t recommend this approach for everyone, but for me, when it comes to certain foods, abstinence works best. Over the years, I have learned to shift my attention from what I’m missing (five minutes of taste-bud nirvana) to what I’m gaining (a lean, strong, functional body).

Nothing tastes as good as being in shape feels.

Interestingly, more often than not, the person trying to force-feed me cake is an overweight, unhealthy friend who hates their body. There’s some irony for you.

Still Learning

Like you, I’m a work in progress and will always be. And to be honest, I like that. These days I never feel deprived, I rarely struggle around food and I’m (arguably) in the best shape of my life. Of course, I still enjoy my food immensely (albeit a different diet) but it’s fair to say that the nature of our relationship has changed.

No more lies, no more secrets and no more baggy trackpants.

Any of this sound familiar? As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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The Stress Myth

Craig — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 16:09:03 +0000

“Wow, that’s a stressful situation.”

Really? Then why isn’t everyone (in that situation) stressed? If being stressed was about the situation (as opposed to some kind of individual response to that situation) then everyone would experience the same emotional response at the same time. Clearly, they don’t. Situations don’t create stress, people do.

“That woman stresses me.”

No she doesn’t; you stress yourself. But she’s your trigger.

“He makes me angry.”

No, that’s all you. The only person who can control your emotional state is you. He only has the influence (control, impact, power) that you allow him to have.

Being Stressed

The emotional state of ‘being stressed’ (as we know it) is a self-created one. It is a reaction (to something) and you are the reactor. The moment you say “this or that makes me (insert negative emotion)” is the moment you hand over your power to a situation, a circumstance, an event or another person.

You have two choices:

(1) Consciously control your internal environment.
(2) Be controlled by your external environment.

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Intelligence

Craig — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 16:54:56 +0000

The Education Myth

Some people are educated. Some are smart. Some are both. Some educated people are idiots. Some uneducated people are genii. Some seemingly-uneducated people are actually highly-educated; just in a different way. Put the sophisticated city-dweller in a remote jungle and see who the intelligent one is; him or the ‘uneducated’ native. Some people understand the theory of everything but can’t deal with the reality of anything; academically brilliant but practically inept.

Some people can perform complex algorithms in their head but don’t know when someone needs a hug; high IQ, low EQ. Some people have impressive vocabularies but can’t communicate. Others explore quantum physics with ease but can’t poach an egg. Some have a gift for understanding human behaviour even though they’ve never been near a psychology book. And some will play ten instruments despite their inability to read music. Convention tells us that a person’s intelligence can be determined by answering some questions on a standardised test.

Sometimes, convention is stupid.

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Making Shit Hard

Craig — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 16:57:32 +0000

Student or Victim?

As we’ve already discovered, in life, there are no failures until we say so. In fact, there are no universal failures at all – only individual responses to certain experiences, situations and events. One person’s failure will be another person’s lesson because we all get to choose what things mean for us personally. An event or situation which sees one person spiral into a self-destructive abyss will be the genesis for another person to develop skills, strength, understanding, confidence and greater personal power. One stimulus, two people, two reactions. And, two (self-created) realities. One positive, one negative. Where some will only see the catastrophe, others will find the lesson. And where some find pain, others will find power.

It’s what we do.

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The Nature of Reality

Craig — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 16:01:17 +0000

A Rude Awakening

It’s the middle of the night and something has woken you out of a deep slumber. A noise of some kind. You’re a heavy sleeper, so it’s something of a surprise to find yourself wide awake at such an hour. For a moment, you lie motionless; your senses are in hyperdrive.

Bang!

There it is again. The noise. For a moment, you stop breathing and stay perfectly still. It’s seems like the right thing to do. You become aware of your heart. You can feel it moving in your chest. It’s pounding like a tribal drum. Hard. And often. Too often. Another thing to worry about. You feel your anxiety level rise as the banging noise from outside is joined by some kind of metallic scraping sound. A crazy as it seems, it sounds like someone is building or moving something in your yard. But what?

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Obesity Victims

Craig — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 16:14:32 +0000

The Obesity Delusion

When will we stop bullshitting ourselves about fat? And how it ‘happens’. When will we stop making excuses for people who have eaten their way to obesity? And no, I’m not talking about people with specific medical issues here. I’m talking about people with ‘normal’ genetics (ones that don’t predispose them to obesity) who have made themselves fat via their decisions, lifestyle and behaviours over an extended period of time. And FYI, once upon a time I was morbidly obese, so I’m not just speaking theoretically today.

When do we stop saying that obesity is a purely hormonal issue? A socio-economic issue? A marketing issue? A fast-food issue? An education issue? A government issue? An ‘anything but me’ issue? When do we man-up (woman-up?) and say that, in the majority of cases, it’s an “I regularly eat more food than I need” issue?

Too simple?

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How do I Manage My Mind?

Craig — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 16:23:25 +0000

Here are some comments off the back of yesterday’s article:

“I agree it is much easier to get the body into better shape than it is to get the mind into better shape and more importantly keep it there.” - Chebbieanne

“Over recent months, my body has not been in any alignment with my mind.” - Pillpopper

“Get your head where it needs to be and your body will follow. I think you need to address how to get the HEAD right so the rest of the body will follow? Considering most the decisions we are making are not helping.” – Sandy

“I think that getting the head in the right space is the hardest part. Over 2 years ago I lost over 40kgs only to put almost all of it back on again (almost – still 16kgs shy of the original weight) but i find it difficult to stick to anything for more than a couple of weeks.” – Michele

“How do you get your head where it needs to be?” – Michelle

Okay, so we understand the theory (get our mind right to get our body right) but away from the articles in cyber space, how do we actually get the job done out here in the real, messy, physical world?

Well, I’ll start by sharing three important things:

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I Can’t Get No Satisfaction (with my body)

Craig — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 06:53:03 +0000

For the grammar police and the musically ignorant, yes, I do realise that today’s title is a grammatical nightmare. I did it intenshunly. On porpoise.

Sew their.

Trim, Taut and… Miserable

Have you noticed how many people are dissatisfied with their bodies? No matter how great they look? Or how well those bodies work? No matter how lean, strong or fit they are? Talk to a total hottie and, more often than not, he or she will tell you how out of shape they are. How “fat” they feel. How terrible they look. And how they need to “drop a few pounds”. Talk to some random people with no (major) health issues and you’ll often find that they too are unhappy with their bodies. Many people will tell you that they actually hate their body. Really? Hate? Yep, hate!

Good grief.

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Could You Be Wrong?

Craig — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 16:56:26 +0000

Where Do Beliefs Come From?

Do you ever wonder if you’re wrong about certain things that you currently consider to be fact? Big things, perhaps? I do. Often. Do you ever think that maybe you’re wrong about that person? Or that situation? Or that habit? That tradition? That philosophy? That theology? Do you ever question your beliefs and opinions? Like, where they came from? Or whether they serve or sabotage you? Did you develop them yourself or did you adopt them from someone else? Maybe your beliefs are not the result of lessons learned or insights gained along the way but, rather, systematic or incidental programming and conditioning over an extended period of time?

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