This site is the website of motivational speaker Craig Harper. A constantly updated, one-stop information, inspiration, education and motivation station. Unlike many similar sites, it is a totally free resource for anyone who is serious about moving from mediocre to amazing in any area of their personal or professional life. With hundreds of articles covering a wide range of subject matter, great interviews with cool people and inspirational video posts, there's more than enough brain-food to keep you busy for hours. Okay, days!! Enjoy.
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Craig Harper is Australia's leading
motivational speaker
and educator (according to Google Australia). He is a highly
sought-after corporate coach and is considered to be
a leader and pioneer in the areas of personal and
professional development.
Working with hundreds of
teams, companies and a wide variety of organisations
on numerous continents over the last twenty years
has given Craig a unique insight into, and
understanding of, human performance and all its
variables. Craig has an ability to educate, inspire,
challenge and make people laugh all at the same
time!
Well, mother nature (or whoever is responsible for the weather in your belief system) has thrown us Victorians a major curve ball this week. By eight o'clock this morning it will be about 35C (95F) here in downtown Melbourne. We are currently in the middle of the hottest week our state has seen (okay, felt) for the last one hundred years (according to the experts) and our South Australian brothers and sisters are going through the same thing. They say it may even be a little hotter over there today. I'd send you all a hug but it's too hot for that. In Melbourne we're heading for a top of 43C (109.4F) by about midday. Yesterday we reached a lazy 44.3C (111.7F). For my international readers (to keep you in the loop), right now much of Australia is in severe drought - the worst in our history - and as a result, we are on extreme water restrictions. No watering of gardens or lawns, no washing of cars or machinery, no filling of pools, three minute showers and a bunch of other restrictions. In an effort to conserve water and do my bit for the environment, I've been showering with at least three friends each morning.
If only Johnny wasn't one of them.
To all my hot readers today (take that however you like), stay out of the sun, don't exercise outdoors (if at all), consciously hydrate (even if you don't feel thirsty) and don't allow yourself to get stressed, anxious, frustrated or angry about the heat. Preliminary studies suggest that getting grumpy (weather rage) doesn't actually lower the ambient temperature but does in fact annoy the crap out of everyone around you. Who would have guessed?
Okay, on with some me-dot-com news...
Q and A Posts
As you may have guessed, I get a bunch of emails. I try to answer as many as possible but if I answered all of them the way that I would like to (in great detail), I would spend twenty six hours per day doing nothing else. Clearly not an option. I have decided that once a month (or so) I will answer questions from readers right here on the site. In effect, the questions will become the basis for my daily article. If this idea works and it proves to be a popular addition to the site, I'll do it more often. The chances are that if you have an issue or challenge, then other people are going through something very similar. So, if you have a question that in some way relates to creating better results and positive change in your world, feel free to send it through. Yes it can be specific and personal and yes we will omit your name (etc.) if you prefer. Just click on the email Craig thingy near my boof head (top left of the home page). Depending on the response to this concept, the first Q and A article could be up next week.
Win a Place at our two-day RYL
Last week, something amazing happened. One of my regular readers, someone who is already coming to our May RYL, got on-line and booked (and paid in full for) another place in the program. The next day I received an email from this lady saying that she would like to offer this $595.00 place to someone who (1) genuinely can't afford to be there (2) desperately wants and needs to be involved in the program and (3) would greatly benefit from an opportunity such as this. Gotta say, this gesture almost brought a tear to my eye because this kind person is not particularly wealthy, has challenges of her own, yet at the same time is working desperately hard to 'be the change' and to impact the lives of others in a practical, real and measurable way. So if you meet the above criteria and you'd like to send us a hundred words (or so) click on the 'email Craig' thingy and your submission will be read and considered. By the way, we're not looking for wacky, clever, creative submissions. And neither are we interested in how 'well' you write; we're interested in your situation and your reasons for wanting to be involved in the program.
But Wait, There's More...
I've decided that, if our winner comes from any (Australian) state other than Victoria (which is a distinct chance), I will pay for the return air fares. By the way, to make this fair, our philanthropic reader will peruse the submissions and make the ultimate decision. And no, she won't know what state people are from, so everyone has an equal chance. I don't care if the winner is from down the street or from Cairns. The most deserving person will be chosen.
Biggest Loser Australia
As most of you know, I work on Channel Ten here in Oz as the resident Fitness Bloke and Life Renovator for the 9AM show. Anyway, I was contacted by the station last week and asked to be the on-line life-coach dude for the Biggest Loser website. I'll be doing basic (short-ish) question/answer stuff for home viewers. My first installment should be on the BLA site next week.
New T-Shirts
After about a million requests, the bald man and I are finally getting some new, mildly amusing me-dot-com T-Shirts. They are at the screen printer as I write and will be for sale on the site next week. They are quality cotton shirts and have those deeply moving and inspiring words "SUCK IT UP PRINCESS'" emblazoned across the chest. You may also find our web address in teeny weeny letters underneath. Surely a must-have wardrobe addition for all sooks.
On-line PT
Here at me-dot-com we are often asked about remote Personal Training. That is, being trained via phone, Skype and/or email. Obviously not everyone has physical access to a great gym or a quality fitness professional. Until now this service is not something that we've offered in a significant way but that's about to change. Next week I'm going to introduce you to the newest member of my team; one of Australia's leading trainers who is about to head up the on-line personal training arm of our business. I'm a little excited. Stay tuned...
Enjoy your weekend Groovers. Group Hug ( )
As always, let me know your thoughts, say hi, send a little cyber-love or share a (brief) story.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
Hi Groovers. A big thanks to all of you for encouraging me about you-know-what (still can't say it) off the back of yesterday's post. I feel quite flattered and encouraged. And thanks for sharing some of your own ambitions and dreams with the group. Alrighty... on with today's post. I've touched on this subject before but it seems to be a stumbling block for many, so I thought we would re-visit it briefly today.
The Questions we Ask
Consciously or not, audibly or not, publicly or privately, positively or negatively, we are always asking questions. Of others and ourselves. Some of those questions are the catalyst for action and positive change. Some are indicators of a shift in consciousness and an increase in awareness. Some show a willingness to learn, work hard, adapt, evolve and improve. Some are a sign of maturity, responsibility and humility. Some are relatively meaningless and incidental, while others indicate a level of immaturity, selfishness, self-pity, pessimism and even self-destruction. Some people genuinely want a solution, while others are attention and sympathy seekers.
So my question for you today is... "what type of questions do you ask?"
Which Socks?
Obviously I'm not talking about the incidental 'what socks will I wear today' type questions but rather, the life-shaping and reality-affecting questions; the 'why do I keep sabotaging myself and how can I do better' questions. You know what I'm on about. Get that goofy look off your face. Do you ask questions which empower you or limit you? Do they put you in a better or worse place (practically, emotionally)? Are they logical and meaningful or are they reactive and emotional? Do they put you in a productive and creative place? And lastly, do you focus your mind on finding a solution or do you tend to inhabit the problem? Be completely honest.
Better Questions= Better Results
In many ways our life is a reflection of the quality of the questions we ask ourselves. Better questions produce better reactions, decisions and behaviours, which in turn produce better results. Sometimes we react badly without really thinking, when we should actually stop for a second (no, not always easy - but possible), take a deep breath, step out of the situation (either literally or metaphorically) and ask ourselves the right question for that situation and for that moment in time; the question that prevents you from throwing your own pity party or from smashing your boss's head into the photocopier. Call me a pacifist. Call me old fashioned.
A Small Challenge
So for the next seven days (as a starting point) why don't you choose to make a concerted effort to become more aware, more conscious, more responsible, more thoughtful and more accountable with the questions you ask. And by this I mean both types; the questions you ask yourself (that is, your self talk) and the questions you ask others. Remember, better questions equals better results. Here's a few no-brainers to get you started...
1. What can I learn from this experience?
2. How can I do better?
3. How am I contributing to this problem?
4. How do I need to communicate with this person, in this situation, to produce the best outcome?
5. What is their reality?
As always, let me know your thoughts, say hi, send a little cyber-love or share a (brief) story.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
Is there something that you've always wanted to attempt, or perhaps fantasized about doing for a long time, but somehow you've always found a very legitimate 'reason' to not even try? Perhaps it's something which both excites and terrifies you at the same time? Most of us have, or have had, such a desire at some stage of our life journey. Like many of you, I have had a secret ambition for a long time. Well, I guess I had a secret ambition until I chose to write and publish this article. There's something I've dreamt about doing for over twenty years but never really had the guts to even say out loud, let alone step up to the plate and actually do it. And to my very excited mother who right now hopes I'm talking about marriage, I'm not. Sorry Mary.
Feeling the Fear
Other than those creepy hairless cats and the chicken nuggets at McDonald's, there are very few things that scare me. However, the mere thought of doing this particular thing freaks me out. Just picturing myself doing it increases my heart rate and my respiration and makes me feel a little ill. Seriously. Even sharing this aspiration and making it public knowledge makes me feel nervous and a little vulnerable - and I rarely feel either. Part of me didn't want to write this post but I thought that it could be the catalyst I need to deal with my fear. I also hope that it might encourage some of you do similar. I'll have a go if you do. Logical Craig is pretty happy with what's been written so far but emotional Craig thinks that his more cerebral counterpart is a big inconsiderate dickhead who really hasn't thought this whole public purging thing through. Sure it might make for an interesting post but then what Captain Cerebro?
I feel ill.
Why Go Public?
Part of my motivation for going public with my secret is because I figure that I'm far less likely to chicken out down the track if I have more than a hundred thousand accountability partners to make sure I follow through. Even though I do things most days of my life which might render some people paralysed with fear (public speaking, media, running a company, looking at my reflection in the mirror), none of those things even come close to this for me. Today (Wednesday, 10.45am) I will be doing my regular gig on Network Ten and talking to a live national television audience of around 250,000 people; no nerves, no fear, just a little excitement. Yet the very thought of you-know-what snaps my sphincter shut like a vault and sends my large intestine into spasm. If you're a visual person, I apologise for that image. And if you're eating, sorry again.
Okay I know what you're thinking, "shut up Craig and tell us what it is". Alright let me take a breath. One more. Exhale. One last one. Well, not really last. I'm gonna say it very quietly because I don't want to scare myself and I don't want you to make fun of me. Okay, my secret ambition is to do some... stand-up comedy.
Alright, I'll say it a little louder... stand-up comedy.
There, I said it. Shit.
My Theory
Why did I do that? Oh well. It's done now. Now you know. Now everyone knows. I have always been fascinated with truly funny people and consider good comics to be some of the most gifted, insightful, clever and creative people in the world. And no, I'm not talking about the mindless, racist, sexist idiots who wheel out the F word every four seconds. I'm talking about those artists who have an amazing ability to connect with people, read their audience, push emotional buttons, make people laugh at themselves and to be provocative and entertaining without necessarily being offensive. I have a theory that there's an inverse relationship between the level of profanity used and the talent of the artist. That is, typically the more F bombs used, the less the talent. With Billy Connolly and Chris Rock being two f***ing obvious exceptions.
Sorry Mum.
So there you have it; the comedy cat is out of the bag for me. I'm not exactly sure how this will pan out but at this point in time my plan is to get on stage this year. It will be an amateur night somewhere, it will be dark, I will be wearing my Mickey Rourke wig (see the Wrestler), hopefully there will be no more than ten people in the audience (even that scares me) and I may well be horrible, but that's okay. From memory, my first corporate gig wasn't that flash. And no, I won't be telling you when or where my debut will be but I will do it, and I will write a report on it.
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Blog
So like anybody would, I have already considered the pros, cons and potential outcomes of my little foray into the world of the funny. What's the best possible result? I'm hilarious, they love me and I want to do it again. Not very likely, but possible. Next possibility? I'm not very funny, but I don't totally suck. Right now, I'd probably be happy with that result. And last? I crash horribly and they hate my guts. A distinct possibility. Could I cope with crashing? I've spent my life crashing. Will I learn something even if I suck? Yep. Am I just as scared now that my secret is out in the open? More.
I'll keep you updated.
Let me know if you think I'm nuts. If you're brave enough to share your own secret ambition with the rest of us, we'd love to hear about it. We'll love you anyway! If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
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G'day Grasshoppers Sorry I've been a little absent lately, it's been a busy time for me. I have a bunch of stuff to tell you but I'll leave it for a day or two when I do a me-dot-com update. Hope you had a good weekend and did your best to avoid the searing sun (and for our Northern Hemisphere folk, the searing snow!). Right now Melbourne is HOT and I'm spending my nights either swimming in my own sweat or battling frostbite thanks to my overly efficient air conditioner and my inability to operate anything mechanical. Went to see Gran Torino (Clint's new movie) this weekend and thankfully there were no dying dogs (as in Marley and Me), so I managed to refrain from embarrassing myself. But what a great movie! Not what you might think for a Clint movie and it has equal appeal for both the blokes and the chicks. It's my movie of the summer (yep, it's summer over here) and it gets four and a half stars on the world famous Harper film-o-meter. I apologise for slipping into film reviewer mode, I didn't actually know that was going to come out when I started this intro. Perhaps I was giving my inner film critic a voice. For our non-Aussie friends, today is a public holiday here in the land down under because it's Australia Day; the day of the year where we (apparently) commemorate the arrival of the First Fleet in 1788, marking the start of the British colonisation of Australia. Or in reality, just another day where we over-eat, over-drink, and over-expose our skin to the sun, while standing around a barbeque, talking shit and not really thinking about the First Fleet at all. Or our criminal ancestors. Oh well, so much for history. Enjoy your week, be the change and on with today's installment here at me-dot-com...
Put up your hand if you are any of the following:
1. The Procrastinator 2. The Self-Saboteur 3. The Over-Thinker
Wow, that's a bunch of hands. If by some chance you are all three, put up both hands and possibly a foot. Now, leave them up until I say so. And yes, that means you up the back with all the issues. And you with the weird hair.
Suck it up Princess
So, why am I specifically identifying these three people today? Because they are everywhere and they stand in the way of potential, progress, change, connection, happiness, growth, enlightenment and success (whatever that is for each of us). They inhabit our schools, our corporations, our places of worship, our homes and most significantly, our minds. They are you and me. Er, I. Well, sometimes at least. Of course we all have the capacity to over-think, under-do and shoot ourselves in the foot on a regular basis, but unless we want to spend the next ten years (or should I say, another ten years?) in a holding pattern, we might need to make a few changes, take a few risks and suck it up (Princess) from time to time.
Q. What do all three of these people have in common?
A. Fear. They are scaredy cats.
The Fear Factor
These three are controlled, if not negatively impacted in some way, by fear. On a regular basis. Fear of failure. Fear of being humiliated. Fear of rejection (a biggie). Fear of poverty. Fear of isolation and loneliness (another biggie). Fear of criticism. And last but not least, fear of pain. That's right, they don't like hurting so they seek a comfortable and pain-free existence. Good luck with that. Fear keeps them in that emotional prison; the very place which keeps them miserable, frustrated and compromised. Unfortunately, comfort and personal growth don't generally go hand in hand.
The Carob Feel
Let's be honest, many of us are champions at wasting our significant talent, time and opportunities. Some of us are masters of going through the motions. Simulated living I call it; looks like life, but isn't. Kind of like when people think you're eating chocolate but it's actually carob. Bummer. They think you're living a life of chocolate decadence, when in reality you're drowning in a sea of carob. Does your life ever have that carob feel about it?
These three people have a gift for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, for not doing what they should (for years on end) and if there's a way to shoot themselves in the foot, they'll find it. If there's two ways, they'll find both.
* Okay, you can put your hand(s) down now. And your foot. Even you with the goofy face up the back. Oops, that's me.
Knew I should have stayed home...
Today's post is the result of an impromptu conversation I had with an acquaintance (don't even know her name) at the front of my house yesterday morning (Sunday). There's a small percentage of the population that you simply shouldn't ask "so how's life", unless you really want to know, or you have a spare hour. Or two. This lady is the poster girl for all three personalities and seemed somewhat perplexed and amused by my enthusiasm, my optimism, my positive attitude and my solution-focused mindset.
"I think you're over-simplifying a rather complex issue" she told me as we discussed the notion of her changing careers and leaving the job she hates. "Hmm, well I think you're complicating something that's actually quite simple. Not necessarily painless, but simple nonetheless", I replied.
No matter how much sense I made or how much logic I injected into the conversation, she didn't want to know about it. The more sense I made, the more defensive, emotional and reactive she became. I could smell the fear.
Another ten-point strategy. Or not.
As I was thinking about writing this post, I considered that perhaps I should come up with yet another razzle-dazzle, ten-point strategy to help us all over-come procrastination, self-sabotage and over-thinking. But then two things came to mind: (1) I'm sick of writing ten-point strategies that people will read but rarely apply and (2) we don't need a ten-point strategy; we only need one point and hear it is...
Face your fears.
Not later. Not next week. Not when it's more convenient. Not when 'the time is right'. Not when all the planets have aligned. Not when it's more practical or comfortable. No, now. Stop bullshitting yourself. Stop compromising. Stop rationalising, justifying and explaining. And stop with all the excuses. You might be fooling you, but you're not fooling the rest of us. The truth is that most of us know exactly what we need to do, but often what we need to do (1) ain't what we want to do (what we're comfortable with) and (2) scares the crap out of us.
Newsflash: Things don't "work themselves out", we do.
*You might wanna put that on your fridge and look at it every morning. Or perhaps staple it to your forehead.
How often do we hear people wheel out that old chestnut? Talk about a stupid cop-out. Talk about delusional thinking. The "things will work themselves out" paradigm is the kind of self-limiting, irresponsible thinking that keeps many of us trapped in a reality we despise. It's akin to me buying all the materials, resources and tools I need to build a house, putting them all on my block of land and then standing back and waiting for the house to build itself. Houses don't build themselves and things don't work themselves out.
You're big now
It's your life right? Then you sort it out. You step up to the plate. You be totally responsible. You make the decisions. You take the chances. You do the work. You get uncomfortable. You face those fears. You learn what you need to. And stop looking for the approval and permission of others. You don't need it; you're big now. And if this all sounds like too much work or something you would rather place in the 'too hard' basket, then complain no more, lower your standards, downgrade your dreams a little and enjoy your carob.
M&M anyone?
As always, let me know your thoughts, say hi, send a little cyber-love or share a (brief) story.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
P.S. Just found out that I will be hosting a four hour talk-back show on SEN (Sports Entertainment Network) here in Melbourne tonight (Monday) from 7-11 local time. The phone number is (03) 9429 1116 if you're up for an on-air chat. You can listen to the show by clicking here and following the links.
I have some good news for you today: you and I don't need to agree on everything for us to be friends. Phew, that's a relief. Now we can all relax and sleep easy. I feel better. You? In fact, I hope we don't always agree because if we do, that means at least one of us is living a lie, compromising our beliefs and being a people pleaser. My friendship with you is not dependant on agreement, compliance or identical beliefs so you can breathe a sigh of relief and continue being your weird, dysfunctional and non-conforming self. As will I. I'll accept you and respect you anyway. I'll even listen to your stupid ideas and tolerate your obviously flawed philosophy (wink). The good news for us weirdos is that there really is no 'weird' because there really is no 'normal'. Nice to know.
Relative Weirdness
Of course there is relative weirdness but not absolute weirdness because all weirdos are normal somewhere. And all normal people are weird somewhere else. That's kinda liberating isn't it? You weirdo.
Anyway...
Human Cloning. Kind of.
My friends challenge me, question me and disagree with me on a regular basis. As I do with them. Thankfully, I'm always right (another wink). I find it sad to see so many people who surround themselves with people who are just like them. It must somehow make them feel comfortable, confident and connected. If not, common. And just below the surface, compromised. Wow, that's a lot of C's. As a result, we see groups of clones (another C) who dress the same, talk the same, think the same, act the same and eventually, are the same. Publicly anyway. Wow, what a crap existence that would be. Even one Craig Harper is almost too many for the world. Just ask my parents. We really don't need a gang of Craigs roaming the planet. I annoy the crap out of me already. Acceptance into these cliques is usually dependant on compliance with group thinking, group behaviour and group standards.
An Unconditional Welcome
By the way, you're welcome on my site, welcome to be part of our on-line community, welcome to share your thoughts and welcome to be my cyber-friend no matter who you are or what you believe. All I require from you is courtesy, respect and a certain level of positivity. And you'll get the same from me. I may not always agree with you or buy into your philosophy (as you won't with mine) but I will respect you, consider your thoughts and enjoy your friendship nonetheless. True friendships are unconditional which is why a conditional friendship is not in fact a friendship, but an arrangement.
How Relationships Develop
Imagine a world where we all formed and developed our personal relationships based on things like personality, nature, spirit and natural connection (with that person), rather than common religious beliefs, identical thinking, mutual life philosophy, age, appearance, academic background, occupation, social status, financial situation, sexual orientation, skin colour or where we were born; kind of like young kids do... until they 'learn' how dangerous that kind of non-judgemental behaviour can be. It's a good thing we clever grown-ups can pass on all our issues, fears and intolerance to the next generation. Not.
Ticking Boxes
Consciously or not, intentionally or not, all too often our friends need to meet certain criteria to become part of our group. Why don't we hang out more with people who aren't like us? Well, perhaps we should but many of us avoid, or are critical of what we don't know, don't understand or are not familiar with. I had a conversation recently with a bloke who was being particularly scathing (I mean vicious) of a mutual friend and the religion she has recently become involved in. When I asked him what he knew about that religion (philosophy, theology, beliefs, teaching, history, principles, values), he mumbled some moronic answer because the truth was he actually knew nothing about the group of people he was criticising. The basis of his attack seemed to be fear. Fear of what he didn't understand. We humans do that. Pity. Imagine if we could replace the fear-based criticism (and widespread violence and hatred) with unconditional acceptance of each other's differences. That doesn't mean we need to share common beliefs and thinking (of course), but rather that we can accept, appreciate, respect and even love other people, despite our obvious and numerous differences. When I suggested (to Mr Nasty) that perhaps it's not a good idea for him to be publicly critical of something he knows nothing about, he turned his ignorant venom towards me. Of course he did. Hug anyone? Tolerance anyone?
Instant Relief
When we realise and accept that we will never please everyone, it can be something of a relief. Life instantly gets easier; both emotionally and practically when we let go of the need to please, conform, compromise, blend and be the same. It's not only liberating and empowering but potentially, transformational.
It's Okay; We're all Dysfunctional.
A few years ago I trained a lady who was a very successful psychologist. She produced great results with her clients/patients, was always in demand and had an outstanding reputation. Deservedly. One day, after working with her for a few weeks and getting to know her a little, I sensed that something was wrong. This particular day she seemed distracted, withdrawn and almost depressed. "How could she possibly be depressed or have emotional problems; she's the guru?", I asked myself. On a whim, I decided to take our training session outdoors so that we could have some privacy to chat if need be. Good decision Craig. What was to follow blew my socks off. Her one hour workout, turned into a two hour therapy session, with me being the therapist. Clearly, being a talented psychologist and having a great theoretical understanding of how us weird humans work (whoops, there is no weird) doesn't automatically translate to a lack of personal issues, problems or destructive habits. That day was liberating for me because for the first time I truly understood that we are all works in progress (yes, every single person on the planet), we're all flawed, we're all insecure about something and we're all dysfunctional on some level. Was she effective as a psychologist? Very. Did she battle with her own issues as much as anyone else? Yep. When we switch our goal from perfection (unachievable and unhealthy) to improvement (practical and healthy), we instantly take a huge amount of that self-created pressure off ourselves. For far too long (in my thirties) I privately felt that I shouldn't be a personal development speaker or writer because I didn't 'have it all together' and I hadn't 'figured it all out'. What a relief it was to let go of that self-limiting, self-imposed paradigm.
Enjoy your dysfunction... x
As always, let me know your thoughts, say hi, send a little cyber-love or share a (brief) story.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
Hi Groovers. Today's post could be more of a 'me-thinking-out-loud' process, than a specific life lesson for ya'll. Although, there are several lessons to be found if you look for them. In fact, for some of you, this article may prove to be very relevant and timely. If not, uncomfortable and confronting. In keeping with my commitment to limit my posts to a thousand(ish) words or less, I have decided to break this chat into two parts.
Exactly How Far Should I Open That Door?
As you might expect, having a website like this has provided me with a number of challenges, speed humps and lessons since Johnny and I breathed life into it two and a half years ago. Other than the obvious issue of finding the time, energy and creativity to produce four or five interesting and relevant articles every week of the year, answering a squillion emails and comments, ensuring the site looks okay and functions as it should - and making sure that I don't die of exhaustion in the process while travelling the country to work with various organisations, doing my media stuff and running a gym - there has been one ever-present issue which has challenged me more than all the other stuff: how much of me do I let my readers have and exactly how open, honest and transparent should I be? Not that I would lie or mislead, but perhaps there are things I simply shouldn't say or share? Is there a point where my honesty and my not-always-popular perspective could sabotage my potential to grow this site and to successfully develop a range of related programs, workshops and services? Yep, no doubt.
The Road Less Travelled
Of course there's the ever-present temptation to write what people want to hear, to win the popular vote, to wheel out the all-too-common personal development jargon and feel-good hyperbole, and to have a daily cyber-love-in with my readers via my comforting, warm and fuzzy words. But that would simply make me a fraud and I couldn't act that well for an extended period of time. Certainly not for two and a half years anyway. Nor would I want to. I also know that when it comes to having a real impact and helping people create life-long change - that is, a different reality forever (why we all come here) - what most of us want to hear, is often not what we need to hear. I figured that I could have gone for the comfortable, easy and popular (but ultimately frustrating) route, or I could opt for the less comfortable, less popular, brutally honest and much more effective path. "I can tell you what you want to hear, or I can tell you the truth."
Keeping it Real
So I made a decision early on here at me-dot-com that I would write exactly what I think and believe, irrespective of the potential fall out, popular opinion or conventional wisdom. Whatever that means. Not only is it more valuable, practical and realistic for you, but in my on-going commitment to create a better version of me, it keeps my head where it should be, stops me from compromising my values, standards and beliefs, helps me stay accountable, responsible and grounded and ensures that I will continue to evolve, grow, learn and unlearn as I need to. And yes, I have much to unlearn. Will I offend people, make mistakes and shoot myself in the foot? Already have. Many times. Have I learned from it? Yep. Will I continue to make mistakes? Yep, but not the same ones. Mostly. In fact, what many people don't realise about the whole personal development ride is that it is our preparedness to make mistakes, admit to them and then learn from them which is crucial to our development, the shaping of our character and the re-enforcement of our humility. Keeping in mind that arrogance, fear and self-righteousness prevent us from growing, learning and changing as we should.
Exactly Like Me but Different
We all have two versions of us don't we? There's the 'us' we let everyone see (public us) and there's the private us (or as some would say, the authentic us). And to a point, this separation is healthy and understandable. When it becomes unhealthy is when the public version of us is a complete fraud; when we're constantly pretending to be something we're not. Simply playing a role to conform, to fit in, to avoid conflict and to be liked. If only we liked ourselves enough to be us. And by playing a role we simply create a network of unhealthy and fraudulent relationships based on a series of lies. Without necessarily knowing it, our friends, family and colleagues are in a relationship with the 'character' we've developed, not us. Of course we can't have real relationships with people when we're not being our real selves.
How to Avoid Criticism
As someone who has a public profile (of sorts) and is relatively well known in the fish bowl that is Melbourne, I have discovered the hard way that I will never receive (nor would I expect) universal approval, support, acceptance, understanding or popularity no matter what I do or say or how hard I try to avoid stepping on toes or getting noses out of joint. While I have many good friends, colleagues and supporters, I also have my fair share of detractors. One of my teachers at college (Dr. Paul Callery) once told me, "if you never want to be criticised then say nothing, do nothing and be nothing." Great advice by the good Doc and being as I have no desire to be either still or quiet, I have had to learn to deal with the inevitable and frequent criticism that comes my way.
See you on the morrow for part two.
As always, let me know your thoughts, say hi, send a little cyber-love or share a (brief) story.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
For those of you who have read my book Fattitude, you have already 'met' one of my favourite people; Jan Frazer. Jan is one of my trainers, has worked along side me at Harper's for about fifteen years and is sixty eight years young. She's a great trainer, gifted teacher, charismatic communicator, completely lovable chick and funny as hell. And no, she's not great for a sixty eight year-old; she's just great. Full stop. Her age is irrelevant. As it should be for all of us. She's fit, strong, intelligent, driven, compassionate and has amazing people skills. She's an inspired leader, role model and motivator who consistently produces great results with her clients. I've always been fascinated with Jan because she simply doesn't worry about what someone her age is 'meant to be doing' (I hate that term) and she's always doing things which would leave most thirty year-olds exhausted or intimidated. And no, this is not some feel-good, exaggerated, love-fest to make for an interesting article, it is a completely honest and accurate account of a woman nearing seventy who has a biological age of thirty three (yep, thirty three) and consistently produces incredible results in her world.
Mrs Hard Work
Sometimes when I'm mentoring someone who is hard work, I feel like walking them across the gym floor to meet Jan and saying something like, "Mrs Hard Work, I'd like you to meet Jan; she's twice your age, fitter, leaner, stronger, never complains, is tough as nails and has an infinitely better attitude that you've ever had... so suck it up Princess!!"
Too nasty? Perhaps I should do it anyway.
The Rules
Jan is completely unaffected by the rules. You know the rules; the 'what is and isn't appropriate for someone of your age' rules. I hate those rules. Always have. And don't think that just because the rules aren't written anywhere (formally), that they don't exist; they absolutely do. In fact, they pervade every area of our existence; our culture, our language, our corporations and our collective mindset. I find many of these rules to be destructive, disempowering and completely unwarranted. I could give you countless examples of how we disadvantage our more 'experienced' citizens with our stupid thinking, rules, expectations and standards but I don't want this to turn into an epic that you won't read. If we were to believe some experts, we might be forgiven for thinking that anyone over fifty should have one of those disabled stickers on their car and be wrapped in cotton wool. Personally, I intend to head back to college when I'm in my sixties to do my Masters and possibly a PhD. Not wishful thinking, a plan. I also hope that Jan will work with me for a least another decade or two.
The Psychology of Aging
Neither is it wishful thinking when I tell you that age (as we experience it in our culture) is more about psychology than it is about physiology. It's about much more than our body or how many years we've been here on the big blue ball; it's about how we think, act, communicate, work, socialise, recreate and love. That's why we see 'young' people in their seventies and 'old' people in their fifties or even forties - because years on the planet is only part of the age equation. Of course there is a physical consequence of time but many of us unnecessarily accelerate the aging process via our programmed ageist thinking, our poor choices, our stupid behaviours, our irresponsible diet, our sedentary lifestyle, our lack of exercise and our propensity to listen to the morons who tell us to grow old gracefully.
F*** that. I'll grow old disgracefully thanks.
Old Before Our Time
Sadly, many of us will get old before we should. I won't. And not because I'm genetically gifted but I choose not to get 'old' (in the way that many people allow themselves to age, that is). Even the term 'Acting Your Age' infers that we must fulfill some kind of pre-determined 'old' role. "How old am I? Okay, that's how 'old' I should act. Hmm, exactly what is appropriate behaviour for some my age?" It's ridiculous that we should somehow feel a need to conform to some standardised set of acceptable (and unacceptable) behaviours based on our chronological age.
Of all the mental barriers that we humans create for ourselves, the age thing has gotta be right up there on the 'stupid list'. The truth is that chronological age isn't our real problem, how we (the society) think about age (and subsequently behave) is the problem. Of course the years have a physical impact on us (especially when we don't maximise our genetics) but for the majority of us, age is more of a psychological issue than it is a physiological one.
As always, let me know your thoughts, say hi, send a little cyber-love or share a (brief) story.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
Today I want to briefly discuss a topic which I get asked about often, is relevant to all of us and as a rule, seems to confuse many people; Recommended Daily Intakes (RDIs). That is, how much of this micro-nutrient (vitamin, mineral) or that macro-nutrient (protein, fat, carbohydrate) you and I should put in our body each day. Overall, this is a subject which is handled badly by many of the alleged experts who I believe, should know better. Let me say right off that for the most part, adhering strictly to some standardised, generic RDI's is a waste of time, if not, downright dangerous.
Imagine someone asks you this question:
"I will be driving my car tomorrow, can you tell me how much petrol (gas) I'll need for the day?"
You probably wouldn't say:
"Sure, tomorrow you will need exactly 4.5 litres (1 gallon) of petrol."
Of course you won't say that because you would need a lot more information before you could even begin to have an educated opinion or take a slightly informed guess as to the likely fuel requirements of that car, for that day. No, you would probably ask some questions like:
1. How far will you be driving? 2. How fast will you be driving?
3. Will you be driving continuously at a steady speed or will you be getting in and out of the car all day?
4. What kind of car is it? 5. Is it fuel injected? 6. Is it an old or new car?
7. Is it a little car, a big truck or something in the middle?
8. Will there be other people in the car? How many? 9. Will you be driving mostly on the flat, or perhaps up and down some hills? 10. Is it a four, six or eight cylinder car? 11. Is it a petrol, diesel or hybrid vehicle? 12. Has the car been serviced regularly and is it running well?
When we consider some of the obvious and logical questions we could ask the driver, we begin to realise that fuel requirements - be that petrol for a car or food for you and I - will typically vary from day to day. Just as it would be stupid to tell any driver that her car will require the same amount of petrol every single day, so to it is ridiculous to tell people that their body will function optimally on a fixed amount of calories, protein, fat, carbs, vitamins and minerals every day of their life. I will expand on this at some stage in the near future but today I just wanted to get you thinking and to open the door a little.
As always, feel free to comment, to say hello and to share some cyber-love with the gang. Even you non-commenting but regular reading scaredy cats.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
When it comes to creating life-long positive change in our world (that is, forever results), most people won't and don't - despite their constant attempts to re-invent themselves and ample access to an ever-increasing range of information, inspiration, resources, specialists and facilities to help them through the change process. That's not to say that they can't transform or don't have the potential for greatness and forever results, it just means that typically, they won't do it. And no, that's not some negative spin, it's a realistic snapshot of people's mindset, behaviours and results over the long term. Just take a look around. Most people know what to do, but for a range of reasons, don't do what they know. Not consistently anyway. Great at starting, crap at getting the job done. Most people who get motivated, lose focus. Most people who lose weight, regain it. Most people who get fit, get unfit. Most people who make a New Year's resolution have thrown in the towel by about now (January 15) and most people who give up that bad habit have done it twenty times before. Which means they've never really done it at all; they've just taken a temporary break.
Friends of Yours?
Here's a group of people that will continue to under-achieve and waste their time and talent unless they change their thinking and their behaviour. For good. I've worked with all of them at some stage. You might know some of them. You may even be some of them.
1. The Over-Thinker. We've all read about the Over-Thinker here at me-dot-com. She makes a regular appearance. She over-thinks, under-does and typically dies from analysis paralysis. She often has a facial expression which is a mix of constipation, confusion, desperation, exhaustion and fear. She will periodically have smoke coming from her ears and can often be seen talking to herself. Sometimes audibly. She may have a twitch. Her over-thinking will affect her physical health and reduce her lifespan by ten years. Or so.
2. The Procrastinator. The Procrastinator is always about to start something. If only he would. He is a world champion when it comes to almost doing things. Sadly, he will die waiting for the mythical right time.
3. The Rationaliser. The Rationaliser is first cousin of the Excuse Maker. They spend a lot of time together and as a result, look and sound very similar. The Rationaliser has an amazing ability to justify and explain her pathetic behaviour and consistently poor results. She is both delusional and entertaining.
4. The Reactor. The Reactor does just that; react. And usually badly.
5. The Defender. The defender will defend his actions, behaviours, results and mistakes, no matter what. He is arrogant, annoyingly self-righteous and a first cousin to the Blamer. He is an expert at responsibility transferal and shifting focus. He has the social appeal of herpes.
6. The Bullshitter. Never one to let the facts get in the way of a good story, the Bullshitter can be found in the workplace, the home, the sporting club, the gym and of course, where ever politicians hang out. Every family has at least one Bullshitter and while they can be somewhat amusing, they also prove to be tiresome and annoying; especially when alcohol is thrown into the mix. For some unknown reason, a disproportionate number of fathers over the age of fifty have a PhD. in bullshit. This phenomenon is still being investigated. In some cultures the Bullshitter is also known as the Wanker.
7. The Dreamer. It's great to dream but not when that's all you do. In order to produce positive and lasting change in our world we need to attach our dream to an action plan, wrap it in some logic and then turn it into a reality with some sweat, discipline, courage and commitment. Most dreamers have at least one tie-dye T-shirt in their wardrobe.
8. The Reminiscer. Aaaah those were the days. The Reminiscer is always reminding anyone stupid enough to listen about her historical exploits and achievements. How amazing she once was. And curiously, the older she gets, the better she was. If only the Reminiscer would pull her deluded head out of her (largely fictitious) past and invest some talent and energy into the 'now', she might just turn her sad life around. And stop annoying the rest of us.
9. The Genius. The Genius is insecure, loves to be heard and is compelled to demonstrate his intellectual and academic superiority as often as possible. Ironically, he's usually not that smart. While he may possess a moderate level of academic intelligence, he typically demonstrates zero emotional intelligence, has no social awareness to speak of and will take every opportunity to re-direct any conversation back to himself.
10. The Complicator. The Complicator has a gift for making the easy, hard. If there's a long way around, she'll find it. With her, the most simple task can become a major drama and a sixty second chat can easily be turned into a sixty minute hair-pulling exercise in frustration and confusion.
11. The Victim. The Victim is incredibly misunderstood. In his mind anyway. He sees himself as something of a martyr when in reality, he is a self-centred, attention seeking tool who wants sympathy not solutions. He is exhausting to be around and makes the Bullshitter seem almost appealing.
Yes, I was going to add one more but I thought I might leave number twelve up to you. Feel free to complete my list, share a comment or tell us about an experience... even you chronic lurkers.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
Hi Guys. Decided we would take a momentary break from our current series today. Just 'cos.Thought I'd share this little story from my recent break at the beach house instead. Enjoy your day, do what you need to, stop looking for easy and start doing effective. Group hug from Uncle Craig.
The Tale of the Bulging Disc
Recently I was at my beach house convalescing on my couch with a sore lower back; specifically a bulging disc. Aaah the joy of back pain. Thirty years of lifting heavy weights has taken its toll; especially the first five years when I didn't actually know what I was doing. But pretended I did. What massive ego? Anyway, there I was floundering like a big injured walrus on my special couch with my security blanket (remote) in my left hand, enjoying one of my fave shows when there was a knock at the door. I considered not answering it but I figured the visitor knew I was home by the sound of the TV, so I slowly and painfully made my way to the front door. Big baby. Am not, you are. There to greet me was a lady with a clipboard who (1) talked way too fast (2) asked me how I was but didn't actually listen to my answer (3) recited a well-rehearsed script without even looking at me and (4) was desperately trying to sell me on 'the cable TV deal of a lifetime'. Lucky me.
I'll Get Back to You
Being the relatively patient person that I am (there's a post just in that sentence), I stood there in pain (both physical and mental) for three minutes and allowed her to complete her sales pitch; a mindlessly boring monologue. Not particularly interested in the offer, not wanting to make it complex, not wanting to stand there for another minute in pain and not wanting to hurt her feelings, I opted for the old...
"Okay, leave me with some information and if I'm interested, I'll call you."
In hindsight, that was my big mistake.
She didn't leave. Clearly, she wasn't interested in that option. She was after a sale; a commitment of some kind. Apparently the uber deal was for one day only. Of course it was. And how lucky was I that she came to my house on that day. What are the chances?
"If you need an answer right now, then the answer is no" I said.
The woman's simulated friendliness started to dissipate a little and the pseudo smile began to look more like a snarl or perhaps a scowl.
"As I said, leave me something to read, I'll consider it and if I want to pursue it, I'll contact you."
Back to the Couch
She wasn't happy with that outcome. Begrudgingly, she left me a brochure and headed off to share the deal of a lifetime with one of my neighbours. Thank goodness. I slowly made my way back to the afore-mentioned sanctuary and plonked my sore and sorry self onto the world's most comfortable couch. Bliss. The back pain was just beginning to subside a little when I heard those familiar footsteps back on my porch.
"You're f***ing kidding me", I said audibly.
A knock on the door.
"Yes?" (from the couch). The relatively patient person is now being replaced by the relatively irritated bloke with the sore back.
SALES LADY(SL): (from behind the closed door) "Can I speak with you?" CH: "You already have."... Aaaah crap. I get up from my favourite couch for the second time in ten minutes. I walk slowly to the door and open it. CH: "Hello again" SL: "Sorry, I forgot to get your contact information, can I have your phone number please?" CH: "No you can't" SL: (Not sure what to do or say) "er, I just need it for my records" CH: "You won't be getting it" SL: "Why?" CH: "Because I choose not to give it to you" (not intending to be rude, just straight forward) SL: "But I don't want you to miss out on any deals that we might have coming up" (she wasn't going down without a fight) CH: "You don't want me to miss out? Let's be honest, you don't know me or care about me, you just want to make a sale and earn a commission. SL: (looks shocked) CH: I understand your desire and motivation to sell me something but don't under estimate your potential customers intelligence by pretending that you care about them personally. When you ask me for my phone number, you're making a request and that's fine. When I decline and you ask why I won't give it to you, then you're harassing me and doing yourself and your organisation a disservice. When I say no, you should thank me for my time and walk away." SL: "But I just need if for my records." (clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed) CH: "I tell you what, you give me your home phone number and I'll give you mine." SL: "Pardon?" CH: "Yep, I like to get the home phone number of every stranger who comes to my door. Just in case."
And with that, the rude, pushy lady who didn't look, listen or pay attention was off. And she didn't utter one more word to me as she walked away. And I thought she cared. How dare I point out her extremely flawed sales technique and atrocious people skills. I should have simply signed up.
The Lesson?
I'm sure you all know this but just in case you've forgotten, I want to remind you that (1) it's okay to say no to people - wise even, (2) you don't need to rationalise, justify or explain yourself to everyone - you're not ten any more, (3) sometimes there's a fine line between being nice (understanding, patient, caring) and being used, manipulated and disrespected, (4) when all else fails, be brutally blunt and (5) people will only treat you the way you let them.
Have you had an experience like this? What did you learn? Love to hear your thoughts on this topic... even you chronic lurkers. If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
Hi guys, we're nearly done with the current series (and the group breathes a collective sigh of relief). I apologise if the last week(ish) of posts has seemed in any way self-indulgent; it wasn't intended to be. I just felt that it was important for me to put on record 'how I work'. I receive many emails from people who want to know how I personally live my life. Tomorrow will be the final in this (very sensible) series and then I promise I'll do my very best to be irreverent, politically incorrect and completely offensive. People get offended anyway, so I may as well give them a reason! On with the show....
Principle 9: Generosity. Being generous simply means giving unconditionally; with no agenda, no self-serving strategy, no resentment and no hesitation. Despite conventional thinking, generosity doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the giving of money or material gifts. Although it may. Some of the most generous people have little to give financially but they find a way to impact the lives of others and make people happy by giving of their time, skills, attention, energy and their selfless love. While it's sensible and practical for us to have personal goals and a plan for our own lives (of course), it's also imperative that we take time to invest in others and to regularly shift the focus from our own needs and wants to the needs of others. It's important for us to step back from the small picture (our life) and soak in the big picture; humanity. Selfish people are miserable people.
*Note: Don't confuse being generous with being used, abused, manipulated or controlled. I will never be a doormat, but I will be a strong, compassionate, generous person. Who periodically cries in stupid dog movies.
Principle 10. To laugh often. I love laughing. At almost anything. At school I got in trouble hundreds of times for laughing when I shouldn't have. And yes, this was reflected in my report cards. "Craig has a propensity to be easily distracted and is not always a good influence on other students". So not fair. I find some grown-ups to be boring, uninspiring and periodically, depressing. I have worked with (coached) many 'successful' people who haven't laughed in years. What's the point? When there's no joy, there's no life; just an existence.
Having visited some very poor cultures, I can tell you with some certainty that happiness and the ability to laugh is not dependant on one's bank balance, marital status, body-weight, wardrobe or address. The happiest group of people I've ever spent time with live on a tiny Island called Espiritu Santo (an island of Vanuatu); no electricity, no television, no modernisation, very little money and not an iPod to be seen! Just a bunch of singing, clapping, laughing, three-stringed guitar playing, loving people. When we're laughing, we're happy. And when we're happy our body is producing happy, healthy, healing hormones - so why wouldn't we laugh? It's good for our immune system (that's a fact). When we're laughing we're fun to be around and we're infinitely more attractive. Grumpy people; ugly. Physically, emotionally, mentally, socially and professionally, the benefits of laughing are numerous. When we were kids we laughed just because we could. It didn't have to make sense. Sometimes we need less logic and maturity and more laughter.
Principle 11.To Maximise what I have. I've always been a person who wanted to get the most out of myself; my mind, my body, my potential, my relationships, my opportunities, my career, my spiritual life... all of it. I always say to my audiences, "I don't care how much potential you have, I care how much of it you use". It's not about what you've got; it's about what you do with what you've got. And the sad reality is that the vast majority of people never even scrape the surface of their potential or their possibilities. They spend the majority of their lives rationalising, justifying and explaining why they're not doing the things they would, could and should. Always about to start, never actually doing. Keep in mind that there's rarely a perfect time but there's always a perfect attitude. I won't die with my music still in me.
You?
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Hi Team, I hope you had a great weekend. I hosted a three hour radio show on SEN, ate more food than I probably should have, read a little, went for a motorbike ride up into the hills, did zero exercise, watched some sport from the comfort of my big-ass couch and saw the saddest film ever - if you're a dog person that is - Marley and Me. Let's just say there was no shortage of snot, tears and tissues at my local cinema on Saturday night. The alpha-male nearly dislocated his spleen trying to hold back the tears. I failed. There were indeed tears. An abundance of them. And snot. It's official; I'm a big girly-man. Okay, it's not the best movie I've ever seen but it did manage to take us all on something of an emotional roller coaster. I came out frickin' exhausted. Anyway, enough about my less-than exciting personal life. Today we're continuing on with ourcurrent series...
Principle 7. Get out of the way! Without doubt, I have always been my biggest barrier to success. For a time, it was a major challenge for me to learn how to get out of my own way. Yep, I have been both the problem and the solution and when I eventually stopped finding new and exciting ways to waste my time, talent, energy and potential, I actually started to achieve some pretty amazing stuff. While I have been confronted with numerous external, not-created-by-me challenges over my journey (as we all have), it's fair to say that my biggest challenges have mostly come from within; the infamous internal saboteur. A.K.A. my mind. Oh yes; too fat, too uneducated, too stupid and of course, not talented enough. And you thought you were the only one. Oh no my friends; it's a pretty large club. While I'm a little more evolved, educated, confident and aware these days, there was a time when I would shoot myself in the foot, if not the head, on a daily basis. Although I see him less and less these days, the insecure fat kid still resurfaces from time to time just to remind me how inadequate, talent-less and deluded I am. Gotta love the fat kid.
Principle 8. Humility. The moment we start to lose our humility is the moment we start to lose perspective, objectivity, teach-ability and appeal. For me, arrogance is the least desirable human trait. It leads to so many other undesirable and destructive outcomes, ranging from minor arguments and social disconnection through to intimidation, intolerance, abuse and even violence. We see this not only in personal relationships but also between various organisations, companies, religious groups and of course, countries. Take a peek at the news tonight and you'll see what I mean. Humble people don't feel the need to be right, they don't have to constantly prove themselves and they are a joy to be around. Fortunately, I have always had people like Marj around me to help me stay grounded, humble and practical.
*Note: Don't confuse humility with weakness. They are very different things. Some humble people are very strong, powerful and even aggressive (in a good way) when they need to be. And conversely, some arrogant people are actually quite weak, insecure and fearful.
As usual, let me know your thoughts and if you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
G'dayRockstars. Continuing on with our current series today. Hope you're getting something out of it. Enjoy your Friday and have a spectacular weekend.
Principle 6. Pain is a Great Teacher (if I choose to learn).
Last week I watched Olivia Newton-John being interviewed on TV. She was discussing, among other things, her battle with breast cancer. At one point the interviewer asked her how people reacted (around her) when she received the news of her illness. While people responded in a variety of ways, it was a Buddhist monk friend of hers who offered a unique insight and less-than-typical reaction. When they bumped into each other his first words to her were, "congratulations, now you will begin to grow ". What! In a situation where the majority would be offering condolences, sympathy and even tears, the monk was telling Lovely Livvy what a great opportunity for personal growth lay ahead. And while she may not necessarily have shared his enthusiasm or insight initially, the bloke in the kaftan proved to be something of a prophet because that's exactly what happened; she grew. Incredibly. The experience of cancer forced her to grow, learn, unlearn, adapt, develop strength and change from the inside out. As it does with many people. It's a pity some of us wait until we're backed into a corner before we choose to learn and change. ONJ says it was the most important and valuable lesson of her life. She also asserts that she changed, evolved and grew more in a short space of time than she had in the preceding fifty (or so) years.
Victim or Student?
So, do we need to experience pain to learn? No. Is it a great teacher? The best. It can be anyway; if we're teachable and if we let it be. But we must consciously choose to learn rather than be the stereo-typical victim. Too many of those already. We must find the lesson. We must seek personal growth, not sympathy or attention. It can be the beginning of the end, or it can be the beginning of enlightenment, awareness and massive emotional shift. It all depends how we respond; what we do with it. One person will fall, another will soar. Why? Different response. Of course fear plays a big part in what we avoid and what we embrace but remember, situations, circumstances and challenges don't create (or perpetuate) fear, we do. Fear comes from within, not without. Something external might be the catalyst (the trigger) but we are the creator. That's why two people can be confronted with the same challenge - spending time in prison perhaps - and one will slide into a life of crime, violence and periodic incarceration while the other will change his mindset, accept responsibility for past mistakes, embrace new (better) behaviours, make different decisions and subsequently produces a much different result; an amazing life. Why? Because it's not about the situation, it's about the individual's response.
Types of Pain
By the way, when I use the term 'pain' here, I am not (for the most part) speaking of physical pain. I am talking about anything which creates a fear response or makes us uncomfortable; be that mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually or other. Pain can mean something as significant as dealing with a life-threatening illness or something as minor as resolving an issue with a work colleague - they are both opportunities to learn.
Some Necessary Pain
Just as we can't 'go through the motions' at the gym and expect to see growth or positive change, neither can we do that in life. When does our body change at the gym? When it has to. When we give it a reason to. No discomfort, no change. We get uncomfortable via lifting, running, punching, stretching and so on, and our body's response is to adapt to the 'pain' (physical stress). The net result of that self-inflicted discomfort is greater speed, power, endurance, strength, lower blood pressure, less fat, more muscle and improved overall health and function; all symptoms of personal growth and positive change. All the result of experiencing (not avoiding) a level of (good) pain.
In Search of Pain?
So am I suggesting that we go in search of pain? Nope. What I am suggesting is that what scares us, often teaches us. What I am suggesting is that by confronting our fears - rather than avoiding them like the majority do - we can grow, learn, improve, evolve, develop new skills and experience a shift in our thinking, consciousness and awareness. We'll also produce much better results. Too many of us want the destination (the prize, the reward) without the journey (the work, the pain, the effort). But the irony is that the journey is the prize! People who win a million dollars invariably lose it and learn nothing about creating or maintaining wealth because there has been no pain, no lesson, no growth - just the prize. "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."
Right, I'm off to hurt myself on the Bench Press.
Let me know your thoughts Groovers and if you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
Hi Team. Well, it seems that the eye candy from yesterday's post (see photo) was met with universal approval. You know I'm here to help, girls. The picture was so well received that some of you didn't actually get around to reading my post. Sigh. Hope you are enjoying your Thursday and being the change you want to see in your world. FYI, I just inhaled two ginger bread men (my new vice) and I'm feeling pretty darn good about myself. They were organic of course. And as we all know, ginger bread men are pretty much all protein. I don't know how the clever people at the bakery squeeze so much goodness into those little guys. I almost feel guilty biting their squishy little heads off. Almost.
Before I continue on with the third installment of the current series, I wanted to address a minor issue which arose from yesterday's post. In discussing my history, I was not suggesting that there is anything wrong with being committed to one's training (I train daily and own a gym!), neither was I criticising bodybuilders, figure competitors, elite athletes or any other person committed to a lifestyle of health, wellness and fitness. What I was saying is that when almost every waking moment and thought is invested in, or preoccupied with, how we look, there's a problem. No shit Sherlock. And that was my reality for a time. As long as our identity, self-esteem, confidence and happiness are dependant on our appearance and the approval of others, we will always be predisposed to misery, anxiety and insecurity. After all, our body is just where we live for the time being. When bodybuilding (or any endeavour) shifts from 'what you do', to 'who you are', then there's a problem. That's all.
Okey doke, on with the show...
Principle 5: Life is not predetermined; it's me determined.
I've never been one to sit on my hands waiting for some cosmically pre-ordained life purpose to miraculously reveal itself via a series of dreams, visions or prophecies. Or for an angel to appear at my window with some hand-written instructions from God. An angel would be pretty cool though. Neither have I ever been the type to buy into the widely-held view of destiny (I do believe in decisions however) and I've always considered (the concept of) fate to be the refuge of the indecisive, the lazy, the fearful and the deluded. But that's just my (not very popular) paradigm.
Destiny
People talk about destiny all the time. Especially when they're talking about big-picture life stuff. Or when they're rationalising why something didn't (or won't) eventuate. "Don't worry Love; it's not meant to be". The term destiny seems to have an almost romantic, mystical, feel-good kind of vibe about it. "That was always going to be her destiny" (as the orchestra starts to fire up in the background). So it seems that no matter what 'she' did (thoughts, behaviours, reactions, decisions) her life, or part thereof, was predetermined by destiny;it was always going to unfold in a certain way. Despite her, not because of her. Apparently some unknown, cosmic force was firmly behind the steering wheel of her life. She didn't really have to touch the controls because her life path (destiny) was pre-set and non-negotiable. Am I the only person who considers this to be a load of self-limiting, mumbo-jumbo crap? Am I missing something obvious?
Beyond our Control
One of the most disempowering and destructive notions for us incredible beings to embrace is the traditional concept of destiny. Why? Because it teaches us that life, and what we might do, be, create and achieve in that life, is somehow beyond our control. Some people embrace it however because it takes pressure off them to steer their ship, shape their own future and be responsible for the results they do and don't produce in their world. Take a look at what conventional 'wisdom' teaches us about destiny:
De-sti-ny(noun):
1) The predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events. 2) The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one's lot. 3) A predetermined course of events considered as something beyondhumanpower or control.
We may as well all sit on the couch and let life happen to us, around us and despite us... because apparently it's all gonna eventuate anyway. It's predetermined. It's inevitable. We're all just helpless passengers on destiny's back. I wish someone had shared this with me earlier; I wouldn't have wasted so much time making all those decisions, taking all those chances, facing my fears, dealing with my destructive habits, overcoming all those obstacles, working so hard and busting my ass to create an amazing life.
And people believe that shit? Give me a bucket.
I'll create my own destiny thanks.
See you tomorrow when I tell you who my greatest teacher is.
* If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
P.S. Sorry I'm not getting through these points as quickly as I had anticipated. Some days it will be two or three points, other days will be one. Love to hear your thoughts on this topic, so click on the comment thingy - even you newbies! x
G'day Groovers Following on from the first bit yesterday, I thought it might be a good idea to bring you the second bit today; clearly all those writing courses have paid off. If I'm getting too technical for you at any stage, let me know and I'll slow it down a little. Okay, on with point four...
4. My body is not who I am; it's where I live. This principle will resonate for some of you, and be of little or no interest to others. For me, it was a truth I needed to learn and live. For a significant period of my life, I invested way too much time, energy and thought into my body, my training and my diet. And not in a good way. My body was my identity; where I gained my sense of self worth, confidence, power. Pathetic I know. But honest. There was a time (late teens and early twenties) when my appearance (how buffed I was) was pretty much the most important thing to me. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to say it, but it's true. When the fat, socially-invisible kid loses weight and as a result gains acceptance, respect and even popularity, he learns at an early age that appearance is very, very important. He learns that if lean is good, then leaner must be fantastic. He learns obsession. Having a 'body' as your identity is not only stupid, but it's also emotionally exhausting, debilitating and destructive. The ego doesn't give a shit about you (real you); it only wants the attention and approval of others and it will ruin you to get it. As a young dysfunctional bodybuilder, I constantly obsessed about how big (and lean) I was. It would only take a "you look like you've lost weight (muscle) Craig" comment, for me to spiral into the emotional abyss.
One day when I was about twenty three, I had a moment. I was standing in the bathroom shaving. I was wearing a pair of jeans and nothing else. My house mate walked in to tell me something and this is what transpired:
HM: "Hey, have you.... (pauses, looks me up and down)... you're f***ing huge. What the f*** have you been doing? How f***ing big do you wanna get? (sure, he had some swearing issues) CH: "A little bigger" HM: "You're a dickhead, bigger where?" CH: "Arms, shoulders.. I want a little more width" HM: "You're f***ed in the head"
* Blokes can talk to each other like that. Especially mates.
My house mate walked off and left me there looking and thinking. In a rare moment of clarity and sanity, I finally gained some perspective; I was huge. I weighed about one hundred kilos (220 lbs) and I was carrying less than ten percent body-fat. For a moment I saw myself for what I was; a big muscular, irrational, dickhead. "Now what?", I asked myself. "I'm huge.... and?" Whatever I thought I would feel when I got that big, I didn't feel it. All of a sudden I felt stupid. I didn't know it then but I now understand that I was experiencing a shift in consciousness and the beginning of awareness.
The next day I went for my first run in years (something a body builder would never do). Over the following twelve months I lost twenty kilos (44lbs) of excess ego (muscle) and found me.
Ciao x If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
I often get asked about my life philosophy. That is, my own fundamental beliefs and core principals for living, being and functioning while I'm here on the Big Blue Ball. Rather than trying to blurt out something profound in one brief article here on me-dot-com, I thought I might share my philosophy and thoughts with you over the course of a few days.Or maybe weeks. We'll see how we go. I have decided to share two or three of my principals for living in each post. Keep in mind that these are things that I have found to work for me and which represent my beliefs, standards, understanding, values and purpose. I'm not suggesting that they should be universally embraced or that they will necessarily be effective or appropriate for everyone. We all need to find our own truth and path. Okay, here we go...
1. Happiness comes from letting go of that which makes me unhappy. For far too long I chased happiness, fulfilment and inner peace like a rabid dog chases a cat. The irony being that the harder I tried, the further I seemed to be from genuine happiness; that constant sense of joy, peace and calm that comes from deep within. Sure I experienced moments of euphoria, but it was always short-lived. My conditioning growing up (conversations, environments, education, media, music, other people) taught me that happiness was something which needed to be pursued. This principal (of letting go) is so simple, so profound and so effective that people who apply it can change their life (specifically, their internal reality) almost instantly. However, it can take a while for us to truly grasp and live this principal in a practical day-to-day sense - especially when we live in a collective mindset and culture which teaches the opposite - that happiness comes from striving and chasing. For some people a lifetime of striving and chasing has equated to little more than decades of stress, pressure and anxiety. For some of us the time has come to simply let go of the internal baggage that has kept us trapped in a self-created emotional prison for far too long. We can strive towards a sexier body, we can strive towards a great exam result and we can strive towards financial success, but none of those things will guarantee happiness. Striving is all about the external and that's not where real happiness is found. The Buddhists believe that striving is actually the antitheses of happiness. I tend to agree.
2. To have the mind of a teacher and the heart of a student. Excuse the cheesey-ness of this expression but it does represent what's important to me. While I feel that part of my life purpose is to teach, encourage, challenge and lead people, my life experience always keeps me mindful that I really don't know much at all. Of all there is to know, I don't know or understand the majority of it. And I tend to avoid those that think they do. Having the heart of a student and being committed to life-long learning helps me stay grounded, humble and realistic, and being able to teach others along the way is for me, a privilege.
3. To discover my own truth. For far too long in my younger life, I let others tell me what to believe; I simply adopted their truth. In an effort to fit it and belong, I allowed (yes, it was my fault) too many people have way too much power and influence over my life. I soon discovered how conditional and temporary the membership to that 'club' was when I started to ask questions, disagree with people and think for myself. How dare I not be a sheep. Some people seem to delight in imposing their beliefs, thinking, standards, values and even their fears on the rest of us. They will 'love' you, encourage you and support you; as long as you embrace their (version of the) truth. That's what we call conditional love isn't it? And of course someone who loves you conditionally doesn't really love you at all. Just for the record, I don't want you to believe anything I write because you think I write well, I'm trustworthy or because you respect me as a person. No, all I ever want you to do here at me-dot-com is consider my thoughts and ideas, weigh them up, put them to the test and see if they resonate with you. Too many personal development writers have a need to be right; I'm not one of them. In fact, I am wrong on a regular basis and like you, I'm a work in progress. By the way, you and I don't need to share the same thoughts, beliefs, values, standards or truth to be able to connect and have a meaningful relationship. I have many friends who I disagree with on a regular basis. Fortunately, the health of those relationships is not dependant on universal agreement or compliance.
See You Tomorrow Grasshoppers x
* If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
PS. I am doing a four hour radio shift on SEN (Sports Entertainment Network) this morning (Tuesday) between 6 and 10am Melbourne time. If you are interested and you read this in time, you can take a listen here. You may need to click on the 'listen online' link (top right). Ciao.
Hello Grasshoppers, I'm back! Happy 2009 to you from me.
A little R and R for the big fella and I'm feeling brand new and just a little bit cheeky. Christmas and New Year were pretty low-key for the non-drinking, excitement machine (me) but a good time was had nonetheless. Even though I was invited to a few New Year's Eve parties, I actually spent the night by myself for the first time and totally loved it. While the idea of hanging out with a bunch of drunk people talking mindless crap and falling down was kind of appealing, I managed to resist. Today's post looks at a really relevant and interesting topic for this time of year but it's somewhat long, so you may want to get a cuppa before you get under way.
The Story of the $800 Jeans
I recently watched a presentation given by a journalist (Benjamin Wallace) who had taken an extensive look at the way people shop; what they buy, why they buy, how much they spend and why some people are prepared to part with obscene amounts of money for the supposed 'top shelf' versions of every day items (jeans, wine, olive oil, beds, coffee). His talk was essentially an exploration into the psychology of shopping. I laughed as he (the journalist) expressed his disappointment at test-driving a pair of $800 jeans which looked, felt and 'performed' the same as his $50 jeans. Not only was there no discernible difference (to him), but over an entire week of wearing his new expensive duds, not one person complimented him on how amazing he (or they) looked. "Then, what's the point?", he asked.
I know the Feeling
I identified with this story because I was given an expensive pair of jeans for a birthday a few years back. While I appreciated the gift and wore them gratefully, I had no idea that they were expensive until someone (some months later) saw the label and complimented me on owning a pair of that particular brand of jeans. I nearly fell over. Of all the things to be complimented on, the brand of my jeans wasn't high on my list. I was amazed that they could be impressive to someone. To me, they were simply one of the five (or so) pairs that I owned. No better or worse than any of my other ($50) jeans.
What Logic?
I was extremely interested in Wallace's study and subsequent report as I have a fascination in this area; the value we place on labels. Having worked with a broad socio-economic cross-section of people over the last two and a half decades has given me a great opportunity to observe 'shopping behaviour' and the rationale behind those purchases first hand. Like my client who would never buy a pair of shoes unless they cost at least a thousand dollars because "they couldn't be any good otherwise". Or the forty-something guy who bought himself a high-powered Ducati motorbike even though he was a complete novice with no riding experience or skills. When I (an experienced motorcyclist) advised him to buy a different (cheaper, safer, slower, more appropriate, learner-friendly) bike, he didn't want to hear about it. He was only interested in the look and the label of the bike; he wanted to be a Ducati owner no matter what.
300 Kilometres Later...
When he got the bike it absolutely scared the crap out of him (because he couldn't ride it); as I knew it would. I had to ride it home from the dealership for him. He rode it three times (in a year), put 300 kilometres (180 miles) on the clock and then sold it for $9,000 less than the purchase price. He was in love with the 'theory' of a Ducati but not the practical reality. He had bought an image, an idea, a brand. A delusion. And as so many of us do from time to time, he let his ego run the show, dictate his behaviours and waste his money. He wanted to be a Ducati owner and rider so much that his emotion (need to be cool, popular, desirable, respected, tough, macho) temporarily over-shadowed his intelligence, common sense, fear and his obvious lack of riding ability.
Label Lunacy
People who shop for particular labels and brands rather than individual products which will suit a purpose or meet a need, have always intrigued me. It's no revelation to hear that some people are devoted to, if not completed addicted to, owning certain brands and labels - and not because of the actual product but because of the perceived prestige (acceptance, approval, recognition, popularity) that comes from owning, wearing, drinking, driving that particular label or brand. Don't believe me? Hang out with some teenagers for a while and see what it means to own the right shoes, jeans, jacket, MP3 player, phone, etc.
A Hypothetical:
Imagine if you and I took the latest, never-seen-before, $100,000 BMW coupe and we re-branded it as a Hyundai for its launch into the market place. Not only do we re-brand it as a Hyundai but we also reduce the price by forty percent, so now we have a $100,000 BMW selling for $60,000 in Hyundai clothing - so to speak. So the exact same car (motor, technology, interior, exterior, performance, quality) which would have sold strongly as an expensive BMW is now being offered to the same potential buyers at just over half the price - as a less prestigious and less desirable brand. Of course we can't say for sure what would happen, but I'll take an educated guess and let me know if you concur...
1. Most 'BMW shoppers' won't even consider the new 'Hyundai' product - even if it comes highly recommended. They will let their feelings get in the way of the facts; the fact that it's actually a BMW in every way except for the badge on the front. Their bias against 'less prestigious' brands won't allow them to even walk into a Hyundai showroom and their ego won't allow them to save $40,000. They would rather pay $100,000 for the SAME product, so long as they can be seen driving a Beemer. The ego is a very powerful thing and haven't the marketing folk made that fact work for them over the years?
2. Most general new-car shoppers won't consider the new $60,000 two-door Hyundai because they perceive it to be too expensive for that brand. No matter how good the actual product (car) is. As a result, the re-badged BMW doesn't sell strongly and dies a sad and lonely death within two years of its launch. Never to be seen again. Consequently, a generation of car drivers will miss out on the automotive luxury bargain of the decade because of brand bias, stupidity and ego.
Emotional Shoppers
Of course, it's no revelation for me to tell you that when it comes to how and where we spend our money, we are often emotional and irrational beings. And yes, the marketing and branding gurus have been benefiting from, and maximising this knowledge for years. It's their goal to evoke an emotional response (feeling, reaction, decision) from you and I so that we will buy, no matter how much we don't need, or can't really afford, whatever it is they're selling. To them, common sense is the enemy; that's why they always tell us that we 'deserve' their product. Of course we don't actually need a four hundred inch flat screen television, but as they quite rightly point out, you and I have worked incredibly hard lately and why shouldn't we reward ourselves with a ridiculously large TV? Imagine how much better our lives will be when we get that bad boy up on the wall. Just look at the couple in the advertisement... they seem very happy.
Back to the Presentation...
During his presentation, Wallace spoke of a study that was conducted at Stanford University in early 2008, where a group of subjects sampled two different wines; a cheaper wine ($20 bottle) and a more expensive wine (over $100). They then reported their feedback to the researchers. For this study the participants knew the value of each of the wines and as you might expect, the vast majority scored the expensive wine highest, in terms of taste and pleasure, and the cheap wine at the other end of the scale. In order to make the study even more scientifically valid and objective, the researchers conducted MRIs on the participants to see if their perceived enjoyment (of each wine) correlated with what was happening physiologically in their brain. And guess what? It did. The wine which they perceived to taste the best and give them the most pleasure actually created a comparable pleasure response in their brain. And of course, the cheap wine showed the opposite; a lower level pleasure response. Now, all those results are interesting but what's totally fascinating is that the two wines (the cheap and the expensive) were actually.... the same wine! There was no cheaper or more expensive version; they were both a relatively cheap wine.
Doh!!
That's right, not only do we have the capacity to create our own pleasure and pain but we also have the ability (via our thoughts, beliefs and expectations) to actually create significant bio-chemical changes in our brain. In other words, we can think ourselves to pleasure. Or misery. Literally. Our beliefs create our reality - even when it comes to the pleasure a cheap wine can give us.
My Budget Wardrobe
A few weeks ago I did one of my regular TV gigs for the show I work on; 9AM with David and Kim. For the segment, I wore some jeans, a pair of boots and a new short-sleeved shirt. A friend of mine who is a self-confessed clothes snob and fashion aficionado informed me that "I looked great." Here's a snapshot of the conversation we had:
Friend (F): "Hey, saw you on TV this morning, you looked great. Gorgeous shirt, that colour really suits you. Is it new?" (I was still wearing the same clothes) CH: "Thanks. Yep, new shirt. Bought it all by myself!" F: "Well done, where did you get it?" (trying to get an idea of its cost and whether or not she should like it!) CH: "Some shop in the city." (I actually bought it at Target) F: "Was it expensive?" (knew that was coming) CH: "Not too bad; it was reduced from $150.00 to $90.00." (complete lie, it cost $25.00!) F: (now with a look of approval on her face) "Wow, that's cheap for a nice shirt like that. Good shopping by you. It makes such a difference when you wear quality clothes. And the jeans, they're nice..."(searching for some more info) CH: "Yeah, picked them up when I was in the States earlier this year. They were on special for a hundred and forty bucks." F: "Wow, that's good value for nice jeans like those." CH: "Now, do you want the bad news?" F: "What?" CH: "The shirt cost me twenty five bucks at Target." F: "Did not." CH: "Yep, it did and my expensive jeans actually cost me forty five bucks at the same store and my boots were a freebie from the good folk at 'Caterpillar'; I did a gig for them recently. So my entire outfit, including socks and jocks, cost me less than eighty bucks." F: (look of disbelief on face)
Needless to say, the revelation of the cost and origin of my ensemble changed the dynamics and the tone of the conversation instantly. When I pointed out the obvious fact that she had been sucked into the mindset of 'dearer always equals better', she didn't want to hear about it. I was informed that I "just don't get it". All of a sudden my "gorgeous shirt" wasn't nearly as appealing. And of course we all know you can't buy "gorgeous" for twenty five bucks.
So why do (some) people do it?
Most of us have a preference for certain labels or brands because of positive experiences we've had with particular products over the years - that's understandable (intelligent even) and not what I'm talking about today. No, I'm talking about people who have an unhealthy and irrational desire to own certain labels no matter what. I'm talking about people who won't even consider another less-expensive label - even if that label is of comparable or identical quality to the more desirable label. I'm talking about people who love to be seen drinking the expensive wine, even when it tastes like crap. And I'm talking about the person who puts him or her self under huge financial pressure to buy the car that they really can't afford and definitely don't need.
On some level, Label Shoppers believe that ownership of a particular product will meet some kind of need in them. And they're right. For a day. Because that's about how long it will be before they will need to shop again. Amazingly, those $800 jeans won't lead to life-long nirvana or universal approval or acceptance. Who'da thought? By the way, the need they have is emotional, not practical. Nobody needs thousand dollar (plus) shoes, but people want to be associated with certain labels because somewhere along their journey they've learned that ownership of said labels will equate to attention, approval and acceptance; what they're really after.
The Why Behind the What
So again, it comes back to the 'why' behind the 'what'. What they want is the label, but why they want it is the key to this puzzle. Consciously or not, many (many) people don't believe that they're good enough - that is, smart enough, pretty enough, desirable enough, lean enough or interesting enough. And as a consequence they will endeavour to make up for their perceived shortcomings with desirable accessories and assets; stuff to impress their peers. "They'll like me more if I'm driving this car, wearing these clothes, living in that house or owning that gadget."
As for me, thankfully most of my friends love me unconditionally - even in my twenty five dollar Target shirt, my very cheap jeans and the boots I didn't pay for.
*Let me know your thoughts on this post by clicking on the comment thingy. If you have a history of lurking in the blogosphere and keeping your thoughts to yourself, I'm personally inviting you come out of the darkness and into the light in 2009. Say hi to the rest of us - we don't bite.
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