Do we really want to know how others see us? Yes we do. And if you don't, you should. For a range of reasons. On Monday I'm going to tell you why not knowing how others perceive you puts you at a disadvantage, both professionally and personally. In life, in love and in business. And no, I'm definitely not saying that we should be obsessed with, or worried about how people see us. What I am saying is that most of us could do with a little more awareness and a little more understanding of how those around us see the world and everything in it. Including us.

Worry Not

When I discuss this subject, I often get strong reactions from people who assert that "we shouldn't worry about what others think of us". Well, I totally agree with you; we shouldn't worry (as such) but we should at the very least, have an awareness of how we are perceived by others. And not coming from a place of insecurity or some kind of need to be popular or liked, but for the purpose of being able to create and develop more effective, meaningful and rewarding relationships in all areas of our lives.

Communication

We know that on an interpersonal level, communication is our most important life skill. If we can't communicate effectively with others (in our private and professional lives) then we can't create that deep level of understanding and connection that brings us happiness, fulfilment and harmony. In fact, we're more likely to create misunderstanding and disconnection because we're constantly offending people, misreading situations and conversations and communicating inappropriately for that person, that situation and/or that conversation.

Am not, You are.

If you're a teacher and the majority of your students consider you to be arrogant, then (1) you might wanna be aware of that and (2) you might wanna change your approach and your communication style. No, it's not about compromising your message, your standards or being a people pleaser, it's about understanding both sides of the communication process. After all, your students don't live in your head and they don't necessarily understand your intentions. Is it possible for you to be perceived as being arrogant without actually being so or realising that's how people see you? Yep. And in this situation (as a teacher) you will need to learn, adapt, modify your style, increase your awareness and possibly get some humility... or sink. Or perhaps find a job where effective communication ain't so high on the must-have list.

When Perception is Reality

If you've got teenage kids whose perception (rightly or wrongly) is that you're too busy for them and that you care more about yourself than you do them (and you happen to be unaware of what they're thinking and feeling), then you're in trouble. Keeping in mind that their reality is in their head, their belief (about you not caring) is completely real. For them. Whether or not it's our kids, our colleagues, our friends or the weird guy who lives over the fence, we need to learn to speak other people's language and get a glimpse of (or insight into) their reality, if we want to have meaningful and productive communication with them . The question we need to ask ourselves is:

"How do I need to speak with this person (there's no generic approach), in this situation, at this point in time, to create meaningful connection, real understanding and to produce the best possible outcome for both parties?"

Yes, it all sounds a little strategic, that's okay; strategy is always better than ignorance or stumbling along in the dark. The truth is that in many situations and circumstances the majority of us have no idea of how people perceive us. We think we do, but in reality, we don't. How could we, we're not mind readers. We don't live in their head, we live in ours but in some ways, we need to get a glimpse of what it's like in their mind. You've never had a face-to-face conversation with you, have you? Sure, you have those internal dialogues but (naturally) you see everything through your eyes.

So how can we become more aware of how we're perceived by others?

1. Listen more than you speak. Some people simply love the sound of their own voice. They don't talk with people, they talk at them. They don't have conversations, they give lectures. They don't really want connection, mutual understanding or to listen to others, they want an audience and some attention. A soapbox. These people are highly unaware. Often deluded. Egotistical. Insecure. The only person who doesn't know how annoying and self-absorbed they are, is them. "But enough about me, what do you think of me?"

2. Watch people. Consciously become more aware of people's body language, their typical behaviours, habits and reactions and their non-verbal communication. What people do will tell you far more (about them) than what they say. Become more attuned to how they behave, react and communicate around you. Start to look at old things (friendships, situations, your marriage, business relationships) in a new way (put on some different glasses) and you'll be surprised at what you learn. Most of us don't see things, not because they're not there to be seen, but because we simply don't look for them or have that level of awareness. It's like when you buy a new car and all of a sudden you see a million cars exactly like yours on the road. Yesterday you saw none, today a million. The only difference being that today you are infinitely more aware. Your perception has changed. You're the same... but different. You're driving on the same roads, in the same traffic (essentially) as you do every day, but instantly something has changed; your eyes have been opened to something you couldn't or wouldn't see yesterday. The lessons, the signs and the indicators are all there... but only if you want to see them. Of course we do this with our relationships and interaction with others; we see (1) what we want to see and (2) what we've been programmed to see over time.

3. Ask for feedback. If people feel safe and comfortable to give you feedback, they will. The trick is making them feel that way. Be open to that feedback and you'll see things change for the better quickly. It's easier said than done but do your best to avoid being defensive and precious. It is what it is. If they think it, they think it. Hear it, consider it and move on. By the way, hearing it doesn't mean you need to agree with them. No, it just means that now you know how they think and feel. It certainly can save a lot of time, energy, problem-solving, guess-work and heart-ache if they will just tell us (honestly) what they think. Knowing how and what people think puts you in a better position to be able to communicate more effectively, openly and honestly and to create healthy relationships over the long haul because it means the conversations and relationships are not based on assumptions, misinformation or some kind of pseudo-connection. Sure, it's not always an easy or comfortable process (to be so real and honest) but it's well worth the effort.

I'm not done with this subject just yet, but that will do for now.
Thanks for all my birthday wishes. And yes, I ate cheesecake. It was good.

See you on the morrow x

Perception Central

In the course of my work I do a lot of flying. Sure, my arms get tired. If only I had more feathers. Sorry, couldn't help myself. Juvenile. Moron. Anyway... planes are kinda cool places because they are a microcosm of humanity. Being the geek and student of life that I am, I love to guess about my fellow sardines. Er, passengers. You'll never find an environment where more assuming, judging, hypothesizing and labelling takes place than inside a plane. It's like Perception Central. From the moment you hand over your boarding pass you're being judged and you're judging others. Our perception tells us that we should avoid eye contact with the big, scary-looking, tattooed bloke who's making his way down the aisle (naturally, he's going to kill us), and the same perception tells us that it's not only okay to make eye contact with the cute four year-old boy, but that we should probably pat him on the head as he passes by. Until of course, he bites our index finger off with his cute four year-old teeth. Little treasure.

Are you a Policeman?

When I talk to people on planes they invariably ask me what I do for a living. Instead of answering them, I say "what do you think I do?" I have done this many (many) times and mostly the response I get is "you're either a policeman or you're in the military." At least six or seven out of every ten people have a similar perception based entirely on my appearance; shaved head and beef-cake-ness. Clearly I don't look or sound like a neuro-surgeon, an astronaut, a cabaret singer or a pastry chef. That's it, I'm growing a pony-tail.

Beware the 1978 Volvo

Anyway, the lovely Michelle sent me the movie version starring Hank Azaria and Jack Lemmon, so today I put my tired self on the couch and pressed 'play'. I then spent an hour and a half bawling like a grumpy two year-old, while contemplating the various messages Morrie (an incredibly wise man in the last months of his life) had to teach me. And yep, it's a true story. I'm so glad I was alone because the whole tears thing may have brought my incredible alpha-male-ness (a term) into question. And I wouldn't want that of course.

Stop Wasting Time

While the story pushed many buttons and offered many important lessons on many levels, the key message for me was - don't waste time on bullshit. And don't we have an incredible talent for doing just that (periodically at least)? I've done it, so have you. It seems that people are never more open, honest, genuine or practical than when they're dying. They don't have time for their ego, their issues or their self-esteem to get in the way of what they need to do and say. All the bullshit disappears. They just do what they have to. With ease. All the stuff they couldn't say, they communicate with ease. It's amazing what can be said when the fear of rejection and embarrassment aren't an issue. They don't have the time to waste so they become dynamic, effective and powerful. Ironic really. All that (ultimately) pointless humanistic crap (what we look like, what we wear, what people think) which only distracts us from the important stuff (friends, family, love, communication, connection, forgiveness), instantly becomes irrelevant and meaningless when someone is told they are going to die.

What Matters

When we think about it, we all have a finite amount of time to spend here on the big blue ball and some of us have (had) a gift for wasting that precious time for too long. In truth, we might be here for another day or another fifty years. Of course we don't know. It's a pity that so many of us need to be confronted with some kind of tragedy before we get a healthy level of perspective and some kind of grip on reality; what's really important and significant in the context of a life. Our life. Be brutally honest with yourself and think about how much time, effort and energy you've wasted over the course of your lifetime not saying and doing some of the things you should. Too much? Me too.

Am I not Pretty Enough?

Some of us have spent years (and years) trying to be rich enough, beautiful enough, lean enough, smart enough and desirable enough because that's what our dysfunctional culture has taught us we need to be. But it's a complete fraud. Mostly we come out the other side of that pursuit feeling decidedly lonely, empty, frustrated and unfulfilled because we've totally neglected the important stuff - the stuff life is really about; the sharing, the connecting, the communicating, the giving, the sacrifice, the learning, the kindness, generosity; the unconditional and uninhibited process of loving others. In our urgency to get, we forget to give. Some of us have spent a lifetime trying to meet internal (emotional, spiritual, psychological) needs with external (physical, material) solutions. It doesn't work. So stop trying. Of course there's nothing wrong with being beautiful, buffed and rich... except when we start to believe that what we look like and what we own, is who we are.

See you on the morrow... x