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Craig Harper is Australia's leading
motivational speaker
and educator (according to Google Australia). He is a highly
sought-after corporate coach and is considered to be
a leader and pioneer in the areas of personal and
professional development.
Working with hundreds of
teams, companies and a wide variety of organisations
on numerous continents over the last twenty years
has given Craig a unique insight into, and
understanding of, human performance and all its
variables. Craig has an ability to educate, inspire,
challenge and make people laugh all at the same
time!
Monday, March 31, 2008
If you arrived here at medotcom today in search of some kind of hard-hitting life-changing, self-help literary masterpiece, then you're probably gonna be a little disappointed (besides, I don't think award-winning writers use the term 'gonna'). You may want to return tomorrow. Or not. Anyway, today's post is meant to be a little fun and frivolity, although there is a lot of insight and truth in it. And should you put this information into the right hands, it may just make your life easier and possibly open the eyes of an Annoyer. Or not.
Annoyer, n. - One who, or that which, annoys. (Webster's Revised Dictionary).
Note: It will help if you read the following paragraph in the voice of a Hollywood 'voice-over' man. Preferably one of those deep James Earl Jones type voices. Slowly.
They're everywhere
They are present at every function, they exist in the classrooms and corridors of our schools, they live next door, they lurk in the corporate world, they inhabit virtually every realm of society, they are a blight on our social landscape and they are an unwelcome moth chewing it's way through the fabric of our society. They are inappropriate, they are exhausting, they are irritating and they are tireless. To the untrained eye they look like you and me, but the moment they open their mouth, they identify themselves for what they really are (build the climactic music); the A-n-n-o-y-e-r.
Who's your Annoyer?
Okay, be honest. When I ask you to think of an annoying person, someone springs to mind straight away don't they? Sure they do. Think of someone in your world (family, friend, colleague, acquaintance, neighbour, boss). Now, unless you're incredibly fortunate (or too nice for your own good), you probably thought of at least one person almost straight away. Maybe three. Now, think about that thing (okay, things) they do which really annoys you. You know the thing (things). And when I say "annoys you", I'm not talking about those trivial, minor things; I'm talking about those (anti) social habits and behaviours which are completely inappropriate, highly undesirable, embarrassing and at times, offensive.
Okay... now you've got it.
We all wanna be (do, achieve) a lot of things, but if there's one thing we definitely don't wanna be, it's annoying. Engaging, hilarious, desirable, interesting, successful, mysterious and sexy yes, but annoying? Definitely not. Yet for a quality or skill (is the ability to annoy a skill?) which is so obviously undesirable, there seems to be soooo many who have mastered it.
Creepy Annoying Guy
Like the creepy, unattractive, socially inept, smelly, forty-something guy who constantly feels the need to express his alpha-male-ness (aka insecurity) and to offer himself (I feel queasy just writing that!) to every woman within a ten mile radius - no matter how disinterested, or even repulsed they are.
 Hey Creepy Annoying Guy! Which part of "go away, I don't want anything to do with you" are you struggling to comprehend? Stop telling embarrassing lies, stop standing inappropriately close to every female in the room, reel your tongue back in, stop leering, start addressing your personal hygiene, stop talking about your fictitious conquests and achievements, stop laughing at your own stupid, very un-funny jokes and stop trying to cover your bald spot with those six remaining hairs - it's not working. Oh yeah, while I'm on a roll, get some dignity and lose the whole desperation thing; it's ugly.
Career Annoyers
Sure, we all have that propensity to be periodically annoying, but what I'm talking about today are those career Annoyers - you know them. The guy I've described above is someone I've met (at social functions) quite a few times over the years. In fact, I've met a few of him (so to speak). You've met him too. So today I've decided to compile a brief overview of the most common Annoyers (the ones I have met anyway) so that (1) you can identify and avoid said Annoyers and (2) in the extremely unlikely event that you may see a little of yourself in one of the following descriptions (oh yeah, as if!) you might feel compelled to take some kind of evasive action before it's too late and you become one of the those moths.
How can they not know?
Without doubt, one of the most annoying things about annoying people is that they don't actually know they're annoying. Tall people know they're tall, clever people know they're clever, funny people know they're funny and geeks even know they're geeks... but annoying people - they don't know! Perhaps we should tell them? So, with the help of this post and your ability to forward an email or hit the print button, we may collectively start to make a dent into the global issue that is (no, not global warming)... the serial Annoyer.
Okay, let's see if you recognize anyone:
1. The Close Talker. Brought to our attention in a very public and humorous way all those years ago on Seinfeld and covered by me once before on this site, the Close Talker is indeed a social scourge. He or she has seemingly zero spatial awareness and typically stands inappropriately close to people - especially strangers. If three feet is the appropriate distance, they typically inhabit the one to two foot zone. If you step back, they follow and the awkward dance begins. Stay away from walls and corners or you're a gonner.
2. The Lip Kisser. Contrary to popular belief, the Lip Kisser is not only male. I personally have been kissed by women I hardly know with cold fishy lips and smelly breath. Gross. However, 84.7% of all inappropriate and unwanted lip kissing is perpetrated by the males of the species (I totally made that stat up). The worst members of this socially repugnant group have actually perfected the hand around the back (so the victim can't retreat) and kiss-hold manoeuvre. It all happens within a split second, in one slick (slimey) action and allows the perpetrator prolonged lip action; disgusting. Avoid the Lip Kisser at all costs.
 3. The Circumnavigator. The Circumnavigator has an astounding ability to always bring any conversation back to him or herself. No matter what people are chatting about or where they are up to in the conversation, he/she will, very skillfully and subtly, find a way to steer the conversation back to themselves.
4. The Interrupter. The Interrupter is actually incapable of actively listening to another person. They are invariably arrogant, egotistical, insecure and self-indulgent, and spend most of their lives chopping people off mid-sentence. They are constantly waiting for micro-gaps in the conversation so they can be heard and as a rule, they don't talk with people, they talk at them.
5. The Funny Guy. The Funny Guy is a frustrated stand up comic. With the only real hurdle being that he isn't funny. Or likeable. At all. Other than that, he's a natural! And yes, he's usually a bloke. He laughs (too) enthusiastically at his own material while simultaneously encouraging others to do the same, via an annoying combination of head nodding and hand gesticulating. The Funny Guy is as funny as George W. is intelligent, witty and articulate.
6. The Socially Illiterate. This person can't read social situations at all. They have zero social awareness. A consequence of this is that they are constantly inappropriate. Fart jokes, distasteful subject matter and unsavoury language are regular features in their repertoire.
7. The Desperado. While annoying, I actually have a soft-spot for the Desperado. All they really want is some love, recognition and acceptance; to be part of a group. Any group. They just go about it the wrong way. And while many Desperadoes are inherently nice people, their intense need to be liked and accepted often results in behaviours and habits which fall more into the annoying category, than the desirable category.
8. The Genius. The Genius knows everything. And what he doesn't know, he'll fabricate. He is typically a male between forty and sixty five with low self-esteem. I have met many Genii with no qualifications, and very little knowledge who have felt obligated to educate and enlighten me about all things training and nutrition. The Genius doesn't have conversations, he gives lectures. Every family has a least one of them.
 9. The Tough Guy. The Tough Guy is constantly compelled to demonstrate his alpha-male qualities in a pathetic attempt to off-set and camouflage his numerous short-comings and fears. With the irony being that underneath all the huff-and-puff beats the heart of a sissy. The Tough Guy usually has a vocabulary somewhere in the three to five hundred word range, hasn't been to a doctor in twenty years and often drives a pick-up truck with stupidly large tyres and gigantic lights on the roof. He always wants to know how much I bench press and of course, he always lifts more.
10. The Rock Star. The Rock Star typically models him or herself on their idols and wears stupidly inappropriate clothing. They love to lip sync songs into invisible microphones and sadly, the males of the group seem to delight in playing air guitar and air drums. Sometimes at the same time.
11. Fibber. Fibbers live in their own little fictitious world. They never let the facts get in the way of a good story. Sure, we all tell the odd fib (yes Sweetie, Santa left those crumbs and those footprints were left by Prancer) but career Fibbers live in their own manufactured altered reality. They lie incessantly and without thinking. They will defend their fibs to the death. Eventually they are incapable of discerning their 'creations' from the real world.
12. The Spitter. You'll need to wear a raincoat and goggles when conversing with the Spitter. They often have a nice little stash of that white crap slowly accumulating in the corner of their mouth and seem to spray more than they say. If only someone would tell them! Whatever you do, don't get them too excited or you'll be backstroking out of the room.
13. The Victim. The Victim usually has poor posture and lower back problems from carrying the world around on their shoulders for so long. Whatever you do, don't ask them how their day is going. Unless of course you have three spare hours.
14. The Chatterbox. The Chatterbox talks too much and too often. For some, it's because they like to be the centre of attention, for others it's a need to impress, and for a few, it's because they are uncomfortable with silence in social situations. Either way, it's bloody annoying. A Chatterbox will soldier on with the conversation no matter how disinterested you are.
15. The Control Freak. The Control Freak loves to be in charge. Of anything and anyone. They see themselves as natural born leaders, when in reality, they are annoying, self-righteous, pains in the ass. They are compelled to impose their thinking, values and ideas on anyone unfortunate enough to be in their proximity.
16. The Criticizer. As the name would suggest, the Criticizer takes great pleasure in finding fault in others, yet amazingly, has no flaws of his own. He is indeed unique to mankind, sees himself as the high watermark for intelligence and is the poster boy for success. In his mind, anyway.
17. The Loud Talker. The Loud Talker has a propensity to talk very loudly and inappropriately in places and situations which really don't warrant such volume. Restaurants, elevators, public transport and movie theatres are among her favourite loud-talking venues. Invariably, the Loud Talker's inappropriately loud conversation will involve a mobile (cell) phone.
 18. The Historian. For some unknown and annoying reason, the Historian seems to be compelled to constantly share parts of his life with anyone stupid enough to listen. While a little history is interesting, the same six stories repeated by the same person for twenty five years can become somewhat annoying. Especially when the 'historical accuracy' of those stories is in significant doubt. While the Historian loves a new audience, he's happy to repeat the same story to the same audience time and time again.
19. The Hypochondriac. The Hypochondriac is always at death's door. She is a close cousin to the Victim, loves attention and has almost died seven times this year alone. Nobody understands the severity of her sickness, nobody has endured the pain that she has and all her doctors are on speed dial in her phone. If she ever really gets sick everyone will ignore her.
20. The Brat. The Brat is usually under ten years old, has no volume switch, no manners, regularly throws herself on the floor, screams a lot in public places and is the apple of her parent's eye. Apparently, she's gorgeous. And misunderstood. Mum (mom) and dad are delusional and have zero parenting skills. The Brat has a Nanny, sometimes a Therapist, hits other children and will often grow up to be either (1) a Victim (2) a Control Freak or (3) a Criticizer. Unless of course, you can get this post to her parents.
Well, there it was; a brief overview of some of the Annoyers I've met on my journey. Hopefully you didn't recognize too much of yourself in there, but if you did... now you know! I'm sure you have an annoying lesson or anecdote to share, you may even have an 'Annoyer' to add to our list. Simply click on the comment thingy and give us your thoughts on today's post. If you've never shared a comment, take a chance yer big baby!
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Saturday, March 29, 2008
Hi Guys. Take a look at book review 14 by Elle St James here. Feel free to comment on the reviewed book, to encourage our reviewer, or just say hi and add your thoughts.Labels: motivation, personal development, self help
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Friday, March 28, 2008
Happy to be here
 At the risk of sounding a little arrogant, I gotta say, my life is great. Overall, I'm pretty darn content. Not in a smug way, just in a happy-to-be-here kinda way. Yep, love being alive, love my family, love my friends, love my job, love where I live, love my country (you non-Aussies gotta visit the Land Down Under soon), love learning, love writing for you and I love what I get to do every day of my life. My passion is my job, so I don't really have a job. Not a real job anyway. Nice. Of course I still have those days - that's called being human - but by and large (whatever that means), I'm happy with most of my 'outcomes' and very cool with where I am on my journey. Still learning, growing, pushing and listening of course... but right now, probably more satisfied and content than I've ever been.
We're not all happy though
In the course of my work, I meet many (many) amazing people who are miserable, frustrated and seemingly lost, living in a reality that they hate, not because they don't have the capacity to change or achieve great things in their life, but simply because they won't use or develop their potential as they could and should. Sure there a plenty of variables and influences over the course of a lifetime which affect our day to day reality, but on some level, success or failure in life usually comes back to what we do with what we've got; how we maximise or waste our talent.
There are a few very familiar stats that seem to have been doing the rounds in self-help circles for years; one of them is this...
"The average person doesn't use more than three percent of their potential in their lifetime"
You've heard that one right? It gets wheeled out in every second seminar, probably thousands of times a day somewhere in the world. Did you also know that 74.6% of all statistics used in self-help seminars are completely fabricated? Most of them, on the spot. Aaaaaah gotcha! Made that up. But feel free to use it in your next presentation anyway - it's probably as accurate as most of the figures that experts use to support their messages. Where on earth that figure (the 3% one) originated from, or how accurate it is, I don't know. How can someone possibly measure (scientifically) a person's potential and then accurately quantify how much of it they don't use!!? And then provide some kind of global average! Gimme a break.
Using what we've got
The answer to that question probably doesn't matter too much, but I guess the important and very relevant point is that the majority of us don't seem to maximize (or even begin to use) most of what we've been born with. We are champions at wasting, not only our time and opportunities, but more significantly, our innate talent and potential. If only we'd use and develop what we've got rather than looking for shortcuts and magic pills, or waiting for our lucky break. Some very talented people have been under-achieving for years because things just haven't worked out for them. Apparently.
A student of success
 As someone who has studied successful people for a long time, I can tell you with some level of certainty that, more often than not, the successful person (success of course being different things for different people) is not necessarily the one with all the talent but rather the one who simply uses more of what he/she has been given when compared to what the bulk of the population does (or doesn't do) with their potential. Again, a hard thing to quantify, but you know what I mean. More often than not, the difference between mediocre and amazing results in our life (health, career, relationships, finances, competition) is simply a matter of how much of our ability we actually use.
Fatty McHarper
If (for example) we take the not-very-talented guy (me perhaps), who is constantly looking for, and creating, ways to squeeze every ounce out of his limited ability, and compare him (er, me) with the annoyingly good looking, genetically gifted, incredibly intelligent, walking-talking-mound-of-potential (met plenty of them, even had a few work for me) who happens to be lazy, indifferent and fearful... guess who's gonna create better outcomes? That's right; Fatty McHarper that's who!!
Not because I have more talent, potential or ability (just ask my school teachers and my sports coaches), but because I will consciously and consistently work harder than most to maximise what I've been given. I can't change my level of innate ability but I can consciously choose to do more with what I've got - every day. Much more. Again it comes back to decisions. And attitude and application. I can't change my genetics but I can transform my body by squeezing every ounce out of my DNA by manipulating my lifestyle, diet and exercise regime in a way which is optimal for my body.
Hard-work-itis
People often ask me for advice about creating their own blog. Quite often these people are very talented and creative. They see my site, meet me and say "hey, I might start my own blog; that would be fun". When I tell them what's involved, how many hours I've worked to produce the articles I have (over the last eighteen months) and the amount of hours Johnnie and I spend on the look, feel and functionality of the site... many of these gifted individuals seem to lose enthusiasm kinda rapidly. Funny that. Medically, we call their condition hard-work-itis. It's more prevalent than you might think.
What gets in the way?
The biggest hurdle for many us in our quest to achieve our own version of amazing is not our lack of talent or potential, it is our inability to confront and work through our numerous fears. Too often, we don't even begin to explore our potential because we are too scared; scared of being hurt (emotionally, physically, financially, professionally), scared of losing what we've got, scared of being humiliated, scared of being rejected, scared of upsetting others (welcome to life), scared of failing (a necessary part of success), scared of not 'fitting in', scared of being scared!
Maybe I do know you
 More than likely, I don't know you personally (in fact you probably know much more about me than I'll ever know about you) but I'm pretty sure of one thing about you; right now you're not maximising your potential. And I could probably take a stab at a few other things too, like the fact that you're regularly frustrated with parts of your life, periodically depressed or stressed, anxious even, certain challenges scare the crap out of you, you often feel very alone and there have been times when you feel different to other people - weird even. Join the club. The normal club. You're not weird, you're way more normal than you might think.
You're also talented. And full of potential and promise. And no, that's is not some predictable, feel-good, self-help fluff that I'm wheeling out to make you feel better about yourself; it's the absolute truth. But if you're like the majority, then you probably struggle to believe it. Well, you need to start believing it and you need to start doing something about it. Every day. By choice. Stop talking yourself out of the things that you could and should be doing and stop justifying and explaining the existence you're living but don't want. Find a way, instead of finding an excuse and start to tap into that long-neglected, rarely-explored potential. You might shock yourself. Focus on and change the things you can, and don't waste energy on the stuff you can't. Sure, you can talk yourself down and find 'reasons' to keep treading water in a sea of frustration for another ten years, or you can join the minority who actually use their potential and create something pretty spectacular.
Wouldn't that be nice?
Take it from someone who isn't very talented; your best life is closer than you think.
Now, stop getting in your own way!
Ciao.
Group Hug ( )
* Let us know your thoughts on this post by clicking on the comment thingy and sharing from your own experiences or thoughts. If you'd like to receive articles like this automatically, simply click on the 'subscribe to this feed' thingy at the bottom of this post and become a subscriber.Labels: motivation, personal development, self help
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Thursday, March 27, 2008
The following is an extract from one of my fave movies - A Few Good Men (or as it's known here in Australia - Three Grouse Blokes):
 Jessep (Jack): "You want answers?"
Kaffee (Tom): "I think I'm entitled to them."
Jessep: "You want answers?"
Kaffee: "I want the truth!"
Jessep: "You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall."
Maybe Jessep wasn't completely wrong...
Sorry for boring you with half of the script but I love that part of the film (must be a boy thing). Even though Jack (sorry, Jessep) was kind of out of his tree when he spoke those words in the court room, he was, on a level, providing his audience with a certain degree of insight, honesty and truth. He spoke some truth about the truth. So to speak. And the truth is that many people don't want to hear the truth - they want to hear what they're comfortable to hear. So often we don't want to be confronted, challenged or questioned and we definitely don't want to have to change our beliefs, behaviours or habits. Too uncomfortable and too inconvenient. And too much work. We're fine with the truth so long as it doesn't mean that we have to modify or interrupt our lives in any significant way.
So instead of being open to learning some valuable truth, truth that could change our reality for the better, we often become defensive, critical and/or angry. Acknowledging certain things would mean that we'd have to do and be different... and that's the last thing we want to do, so we don't. "Let them do the changing."
Sorry for being honest...
 Over the years I have been abused by many people for being honest about certain important issues. I call it honest, they call it offensive. Funny that. Perspective can be the difference between being empowered and educated, and being a victim. People ask for me advice and then when I tell them what they don't want to hear, they criticise me. Apparently it makes them feel better about themselves. I never (ever) tell people the truth to hurt, discourage or criticise - only to help them create positive change in their life. And yes of course, there is a time, a place and a way to deliver certain messages with sensitivity and compassion, but there's also a time when we need to stop skirting the issues and actually deal with things head on - as unpopular and as uncomfortable as that may be. I wish I had ten bucks for every obese person I've spoken to over the years who 'hardly eats a thing'.
Amazing phenomenon that; self-generating fat.
"So where did all this fat come from then Kelvin? I know a little about the physiology of the human body and I'm pretty sure that fat can't be spontaneously produced from thin air."
Harsh? Nope; honest. The truth. Sometimes, things are as offensive as we make them. We can get offended or we can get enlightened. Smart. Proactive. Different. We can make a positive from something we once would have made a negative. The important thing about truth is how we deal with it and what we do with it. And many of us deal with it badly. Or don't deal with at all.
Darn those big bones
"Sure Kelvin, you can keep bullshitting yourself about your big bones, your slow metabolism, your crappy genetics and your very healthy diet for the next five years, but the only person you're fooling is you. Everyone in the world except you (apparently) knows that you tell lies and eat too much food. Get your head around that truth and you might actually change your body.
 My experience is that the majority of people lie when questioned in any depth about their lifestyle, exercise and nutritional habits. That is, they don't tell me the whole truth. They selectively leave things out. They are more concerned with 'looking and sounding good' than they are with telling me the absolute truth and genuinely addressing their problems in a real and practical way.
Waddabout my hormones?
Now, before you write in and tell me about hormonal issues and obesity... don't bother. Yes, I acknowledge that some people have significant problems with their endocrine system (it's actually a very small percentage of the overall population) but for this post and this lesson, these are not the people we're talking about. And by the way, if you think that our current global obesity epidemic is even vaguely because of 'hormonal issues' then you're extremely misinformed. Overall, we're fatter than ever because we eat too much and move to little... end of story.
Sure we can try and make it more complex and write another fifteen million books on the subject (and continue to go around in circles) or we can simply acknowledge the truth and do something about it.
There's a wacky thought.
A common Harperism that you'll often hear in my presentations is this:
"I can tell you what you want to hear, or I can tell you the truth... which would you prefer?"
Some people respond positively to this statement, others cross their legs and arms (and brains) and assume the defensive position - clearly, I've come to destroy their lives. I can usually identify the non-learners and the brick walls even before I open my mouth. Their body language is screaming:
1. I don't want to be here - but my boss is making me.
2. Please don't refer to me, look at me, ask me a question or involve me in any way.
3. I am absolutely not ready to change, so don't you dare try and make me!
4. Anyway, who are you to tell me anything, you big tool?
The years have taught me to be selective and discerning about what truth I share, when and where I share it, and with whom. When I'm coaching people these days, the first thing I do is find out whether or not they're genuinely ready to step into reality and talk about the core issues (about their situation and problems) in a real, honest and truthful manner. If all they want is for me to hold their hand and tell them that their destructive behaviours are understandable and okay, then I tell them to come back when they're genuinely ready to change and to be honest and accountable.
I do not try to teach people who do not want to learn. And neither should you. It's an exercise in frustration and futility. And sometimes, hostility!
We all do it
We all avoid the truth from time to time. I've done it, you've done it. It's easier. For a while. Then it's much harder. Much. We do it with our health, our relationships, our career, our finances, our destructive habits... our life. I've spoken about this phenomenon before, it's called head-in-the-sand-itis. Most times, dealing with and acknowledging the truth in a honest, logical and practical manner (especially when it comes to our own behaviours and habits) will save us plenty of time, heart-ache and frustration over the long term.
Ignoring the fact doesn't change the fact. It is what it is.
Sometimes we just need to open our eyes.
* Let us know your thoughts on this post by clicking on the comment thingy and sharing from your own experiences or thoughts. If you'd like to receive articles like this automatically, simply click on the 'subscribe to this feed' thingy at the bottom of this post and become a subscriber.Labels: motivation, personal development, self help
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Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Hi Guys. Take a look at book review 13 by Jo Deeker here. Feel free to comment on the reviewed book, to encourage our reviewers, or just say hi and add your thoughts.Labels: motivation, personal development, self help
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The freestyle writer
I often get asked how I write my posts. What's my process? Do I have a weekly or monthly plan of topics I'm going to cover? Do I write using a particular formula? Word limit? Do I methodically and strategically mix up the sciencey stuff, the motivational stuff, the funny stuff, the philosophical stuff, the fitness stuff and the how-on-earth-does-your-mind-work-Craig stuff? All good questions. If only I were that organised with my writing. Formulae are good to a point, but sometimes the price of being too formulated, is creativity.
There are types?
 Someone asked recently what type of writer I am. "There are types?" I enquired. I didn't know. Perhaps I should have done that writing workshop after all. I didn't know that I had to classify myself. Okay, I'm gonna go with... freestyle. How's that? I figure that if I label myself too specifically then people might expect certain things of me. And we all know how I hate to disappoint. Oh the pressure.
The truth is, I have no set formula for writing. If there's a start, a middle, an end and I happen to make some sense along the way, then I think I'm going okay. If it's 500 words or 2,000 words (as is often the case), I'm okay with that too. The reality is that I enjoy writing immensely and when I sit at my keyboard, it's like my logical mind and my creative self start dancing together. Some of my friends worry that I write so much and so often, but for me it's far more like therapy than work. I've worked plenty... and what I'm doing right now isn't it.
More often than not, my life (an experience, a conversation, a challenge, an observation) tells me what to write about. I never sit down at my computer and rack my brains for a topic. If I ever get to that point I won't write. When I got up this morning I had nothing planned for what I would write today. And then half an hour later life happened right outside my house. And today's post is the result...
"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing"
George Bernard Shaw
Yes, I've used that quote before and yes, it's worth repeating. I've spoken publicly many times regarding my beliefs about age; that it is more about attitude, the choices we make and how we manage our body, than it is about how many years we've been on the planet. Most of you are familiar with my philosophy but I thought that this little story might inspire you.
A smorgasbord of humanity
 I live on a busy street in a very multi-cultural city. It's a fun place to people watch; a veritable smorgasbord of humanity. Looking out the window of my upstairs bedroom can easily throw me into a time void. I have lived here for fourteen years and in that time have seen everything from the mildly amusing and interesting, to the completely bizarre. I've also met some pretty fascinating people but nobody cooler than Tom, the sixty one year-young Skater Dude.
The mobile speed hump
This morning I was reversing my car out of the drive when all of a sudden I realised that me and my larger-than-necessary 4WD were about to become a painful 'speed hump' for one of the local youth who was hurtling towards me at an alarming rate on his over sized skate board. Bloody kids. I jammed on my brakes and he jammed his sneaker-clad foot into the ground and came to a dramatic halt two inches from my passenger door. He ended up with one of his grubby little hands on my window.
What? I'm confused.
Only it wasn't grubby. Or little. It was kind of big, clean... and old looking. I then shifted my stare from his hand to his face and I nearly fell out of the car. He was old. Really old. Well, really old for a teenager. For a moment I was confused. My brain was overloaded with mixed messages. One message was, "danger, danger, don't run over the Dude on the skate board", another was "what is this old buffed guy doing cruising the streets on his grand kid's skateboard?"... and yet another was "he's pretty darn good on that thing".
Buffed old guy
He stepped back from the car and raised his hand in a gesture of apology. I almost wiped him out and he's saying sorry to me! Clearly, he's no teenager. As he stepped back all I could see was his lean, fit, athletic body in a pair of Levis and black T shirt. All of this happened within ten seconds.
Being the eternal student, I had a million questions for the old Dude. I was immediately intrigued. For some reason, people who lived outside the box have always fascinated me. I love to know what makes them tick, why they do what they do and how they got where they are. I put on the hand brake, jumped out of the car and walked around to make sure he was okay. I actually knew he was fine, I just wanted to meet him.
We spoke for about twenty minutes and he completely inspired me. I can't repeat the entire conversation but parts of it went like this:
 CH: "How long have you been skate-boarding?"
TOM: "Well, I skated and surfed a lot when I was younger, had a decade or two off and then bought myself a new skate board for my fifty fifth birthday."
CH: "That board? (the one in his hand)."
TOM: "No, I've have four or five boards since that one."
CH: "You didn't feel compelled to take up Bowling?"
TOM: "F*** off, that's for old people!"
CH and TOM: Laughter
CH: How often do you skate?
TOM: "Every day that it's not raining. Most days I skate to work."
CH: "Where do you work?"
TOM: "I have my own photography business."
CH: "Can I ask how old you are" (I thought he was about fifty)
TOM: "Sure, sixty one."
CH: "Does your wife worry about you skating around the burbs?"
TOM: "She worries more about me getting the shit kicked out of me at karate."
CH: "You do Karate?"
TOM: "Started when I was forty eight, I'm now a second dan black belt."
(Okay, I'm really glad I didn't hit him. I could have had the crap beaten out of me by a sixty one year-old. Not cool.)
CH: "How often do you train?"
TOM: "I'm at the dojo four days, one of those is instructing."
CH: "So why do you skate?"
TOM: "I love to skate and I hate it how people stop doing fun stuff because they've reached a certain age. Old people bore me. There seems to be the list of 'socially acceptable' activities for anyone over fifty and let's just say that nothing on the list really appeals to me! In fact, my skating is actually getting better by the year because I consciously work at it. Most of my buddies hit fifty a decade ago and started to act like old men. Pretty soon they were. I hate it how people do that.
CH: "Aaaah, a kindred spirit."
CH and TOM: Laughs.
CH: "You actually work at improving your skating?"
 TOM: "Yeah, I train once a week on the half-pipe at the skate park with my twelve year-old grandson."
CH: "You know you're not normal right?"
TOM: "Good, that's my goal; old and abnormal."
CH and TOM: More laughs
CH: "Have you always been in good shape?"
TOM: "Nope, when I started karate I was thirty kilos (66lbs) heavier than I am now, I smoked forty cigarettes a day, drank nearly every day, worked too much and looked like complete shit."
CH: "What happened?"
TOM: Not long after my forty eighth birthday two of my friends died within six weeks of each other - both were fat, worked too much and had no life. One fell asleep at the wheel and one had a heart attack. I decided I didn't want to follow suit.
CH: Good plan.
TOM: No shit.
And with that, the old Skater Dude continued his surprisingly rapid journey along my street, leaving me inspired, motivated, intrigued and feeling kind of young.
Enjoy your day.
* Let us know your thoughts on this post by clicking on the comment thingy and sharing from your own experiences or thoughts. If you'd like to receive articles like this automatically, simply click on the 'subscribe to this feed' thingy at the bottom of this post and become a subscriber.Labels: motivation, personal development, self help
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Friday, March 21, 2008
Hi Groovers. Yeah, I know it's up a little early but take a look at Book Review 12 by the very fabulous Dee Britton here. Feel free to comment on the reviewed book, to encourage our reviewer, or just say hi and add your thoughts. Enjoy your Easter, try not to eat your own bodyweight in chocolate and I'll be back on deck to push your buttons next Tuesday. Ciao.Labels: motivation, personal development, self help
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Thursday, March 20, 2008
Theories
There are a bunch of theories regarding why, more often than not, we don't get the job done. And by getting the job done, I mean achieving our goals and creating forever change; finishing what we've started. So many of us talk a good game but rarely deliver (for more than a few weeks anyway). Take a realistic and brutally honest look around and you'll discover that most people don't actually get the job done when it comes to the majority of their personal goals (especially the health-related ones).
All fired up... for a week
Great at starting (or in many cases, almost starting) but crap at actually following through and creating any lasting results. Health club owners can actually rely on the fact that many people will make a decision, join their gym, hand over the cash or credit card details, get excited for ten minutes and then... not show up. A thousand bucks for three workouts; that's quite the deal for the gym owner and not so good of course, for the would-be fitness bunny. And don't think that it doesn't happen so often, it's a very regular occurrence. I've seen it many (many, many) times.
 Money for jam
Club owners know that a significant percentage of new members will lose momentum (motivation, commitment, mindset) within a short period of time and throw in the towel. I'm not suggesting that they create this or encourage it, but they sure can benefit from it (for a while anyway). How else could a club which can only accommodate two or three hundred members at any given time confidently sell five to ten thousand memberships (as they do) if they didn't have this insight into typical human behaviour? By the way, this is not a commentary on the ethics or business practices of club owners, it's a comment on the human condition, the psychology of change and our inability to get stuff done. Imagine people paying an on-going monthly fee (most clubs are direct debit these days) for something that they never use; great for the club's bank balance but not so good for the fat bloke who lives on burgers and beer and never uses that membership he took out.
So here's my theory:
We don't get the job done because we make it (the change process) optional; something we can stop at any time.... and we do.
Sure we start things, but when we undertake our latest 'life-changing-project' do we really think "this is absolutely, unequivocally a behaviour that I am going to maintain from this day forward for the rest of my life?" Of course we don't. We always give ourselves an out; an escape clause. We don't make it (it being whatever we need to do to achieve our goals) completely non-negotiable, so within a short period of time we find a 'very legitimate' reason to stop whatever it was we started. Besides, there's always next week.
I'll start next Monday
The problem is that we've been telling ourselves the very same thing (I'll change soon) for years. And we are indeed champions at explaining our lack of commitment and results; it's too hot, it's too cold, it's too late, it's too early, my back is playing up, it's a timing thing, an opportunity thing, a money thing, a travel thing...
Bullshit; it's a YOU thing.
We don't wanna hear that about ourselves but maybe some of us need to hear it. I've needed to hear it plenty of times over my own journey. Don't you ever get sick at the sound of your own voice rationalising, justifying and explaining (for the millionth time) why you're still not doing what you said you'd do years ago? I know that there have been numerous times over the years when I have driven myself nuts with my inability to genuinely commit and get the job done. Eventually I got to the point where I was so embarrassed by the crap that came (so easily) out of my own mouth, that I decided to make my decisions, commitments and resolutions (to change certain behaviours and habits) completely non-negotiable. The moment I did this, I started to produce dramatically better results in all areas of my life. Not because I was more talented or intelligent than the next person, but because, for the first time in my life, I was completely committed to achieving my goals.
What if giving up wasn't an option?
 Imagine the results we could create in our life if we didn't give ourselves the option of throwing in the towel every time we got bored, busy, uncomfortable or challenged; if we HAD TO finish what we started. Hmmm, there's a crazy notion. Imagine if you said "right that's it, from now on I'm going to exercise four days per week and eat perfectly ninety percent of the time"... and you actually did it. Forever!! Not for some half-assed phase you're going through (again), but for your life.
The escape clause
Sure we want to change, but on some emotional and psychological level we always give ourselves that escape clause. Just in case. Wouldn't wanna put ourselves under too much pressure would we? We might end up different! We talk about forever results but we have a temporary mindset. The 'forever' concept freaks us out a little. Nobody starts a 'diet' thinking that they'll eat that way for the next fifty years. No, they know it's a short-term thing (to get in shape for that social occasion) and then they'll go back to eating 'normally' (until the next significant social event of course).
I personally believe that the majority of people who start any change process don't actually think they'll create life-long change. They 'kind of hope' they will, but deep down they don't actually expect it. And therein lies the problem Grasshoppers; belief (expectations) equals outcome. In truth, they are not totally committed to doing what needs to be done.
When we are totally committed, stopping isn't an option.
A couple of (seemingly weird) questions for you...
1. Is changing stinky, dirty nappies (diapers) a fun process?
2. Why do mothers (and fathers) do it?
3. Is motivation an issue when it comes to this responsibility?
4. Is it seen as an optional task?
5. Do the parents 'enjoy' the experience?
Some possible answers....
1. They don't give themselves the option of NOT caring for their baby; it's completely non-negotiable.
2. It doesn't matter how unpleasant the task may be, they are totally committed to the welfare of their child and their level of motivation is irrelevant - it's simply about doing what needs to be done.
3. Whether or not the parent enjoys the process isn't an issue either; they know what they need to do to create the desired outcome and they do it.
If only we could apply this kind of non-negotiable thinking and behaviour to our personal goals, who knows what we might achieve. Life without an escape clause, a safety net or a bunch of predictable excuses.
There's a thought.
* Let us know your thoughts on this post by clicking on the comment thingy and sharing from your own experiences or thoughts. If you'd like to receive articles like this automatically, simply click on the 'subscribe to this feed' thingy at the bottom of this post and become a subscriber.
*BTW - is that baby not the cutest kid ever?Labels: motivation, personal development, self help
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Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Not that question... again
Okay, so I'm taking off my Motivator Dude business suit today and putting on my Exercise Scientist Bloke track suit. And my heart rate monitor. And my cap. Now all I need is a barbell. Aaaah, so good to be home. So comfy. And familiar.
So...
I constantly get asked the same or very similar questions via email. In fact, I have received three emails this morning asking me essentially the same thing:
"How come I exercise a lot but don't really see any results (physical change)?"
 Now, rather than sit here and type for an hour (or more) to discuss something that I have covered many times before on this site, I thought I'd pull out an old article, add a few bits, tweak a little, edit a tad, give it a bit of bling and send it back out there on the information highway for another spin...
* For some of you hard-core fitness types this post will be nothing more than a refresher, but for others it may be something of a revelation.
What we all have in common
The one thing that we all have in common when we join a gym or start any new exercise program is our desire to create physiological change; leaner, lighter, bigger, smaller, sexier (maybe that's just me), firmer, more muscular, fitter, stronger, more flexible, less back pain, lower blood pressure... and so on. After all, we don't hand over our hard-earned cash or put on our new sneakers in the hope that we'll look the same in twelve months do we? But for many people, that's exactly what happens. We join gyms and start new exercise programs for a wide range of reasons but the common denominator is that we want to be different in some way; we want to change something about the way our body looks, feels and functions.
A lot of effort for not much
Although most people exercise because they want to transform their body in some way, the reality is that many people spend lots of time, effort and energy lifting, jumping, running, riding, rowing, punching, kicking and generally getting sweaty and stinky, only to... look the same. Take a look in any gym anywhere in the world and you'll see a whole bunch of people who never really seem to change. Now, if their goal was to stay the same then that would be fine, but it aint!
Think about it.
How many people do you know who exercise consistently (with the goal of changing their appearance), yet always look pretty much the same, year in, year out? Plenty, I bet. It may be someone you know well.
Too well perhaps.
So we typically start exercise programs for 3 keys reasons:
 1. To change the way we look
2. To change the way we feel
3. To change the way we function
While the young bunnies are (often) all about the look, those of us who are heading into our late-thirties (cough, splutter) tend to be more concerned with how we feel and function. Although I probably wouldn't object to a six-pack.
Give your body a reason to change
So, why do some of us spend way too much time, energy and effort in the gym (or any training environment) for way too little return? The very simple answer is that we don't give our body a reason to change. Our bodies are complex organisms which are constantly responding (adapting) to stress. Exercise is a form of physical stress (a good type of stress) and improvements in your fitness, strength and flexibility and decreases in your body fat levels are simply your body's responses to the stress placed on it via exercise.
Same old, same old
The truth is that our body will only adapt (get fitter, stronger, bigger, smaller, lighter) when it needs to - when it's stimulated the right way. If, for instance, you can run five kilometres (three miles) in twenty five minutes, yet every day you do the same run (five kilometres) in the same amount of time (twenty five minutes), over the same course, within a relatively short period of time your fitness level won't improve (because there's no need) even though you are training every day. So too with the person who wants to build muscle or strength, yet typically lifts the same amount of weight doing the same exercises, for the same reps and sets, with the same intensity, for the same amount of time, day in, day out.
This is the point of the discussion where we need to differentiate between two types of exercise/training programs.
The Maintenance Program
This is a program where we typically stimulate our body with the same or similar exercises, intensities and volumes. This is the program we follow when we've decided that we're buffed and completely happy with our body and we just want to keep what we've got! The truth is that many (and I mean a whole bunch of) people in gyms (and outside gyms) are following a maintenance program and don't know it. They constantly do the same type of training, on the same days of the week, using the same equipment, for the same amount of time at the same intensity... and then get frustrated and look perplexed when their body doesn't change
The Progressive Program
 This a program where we constantly vary the type of exercise, sets, reps, intensity, duration, overall volume and even training environment. A program which is constantly stimulating our body to change and adapt. This is the training approach that most people should embrace but don't. We are creatures of habit and we love to do... the same (no matter how much it doesn't work)! Sometimes we need to differentiate between what we enjoy doing (easy) and what will work best for our body (effective). Unfortunately they're not always the same. This might mean switching from the treadmill to the stepper, a walk to a jog, the 3kg to the 5kg dumbbells, the footpath to the soft sand, indoors to outdoors, the flat to the hills or the aerobics room to the weight room. If you're going to train five days a week (for example) then don't do five runs or five bike rides or five anythings, for that matter, stimulate your body differently each day. You'll see more results, less repetitive strain injuries and less boredom and loss of motivation.
Mixing it up....
When we do the same thing all the time (running for example), we become fit for that activity - specifically conditioned. However, when we introduce something completely different into the program (boxing perhaps) we: 1) realise that our body still has lots of room for improvement and 2) begin to see our body start adapt (change) again almost instantly.
If you exercise purely for enjoyment and fun then do whatever you enjoy the most (be safe of course), but if you're serious about changing your body, be less emotional and more practical about your program and do what works. Give your body what it needs. Perhaps its time for you to get uncomfortable and do something different. Or do the same thing differently.
If you know what I mean.
Remember:
If nothing changes (training stimulus), nothing changes (your body).
Simple really.
* Let us know your thoughts on this post by clicking on the comment thingy and sharing from your own experiences or thoughts. If you'd like to receive articles like this automatically, simply click on the 'subscribe to this feed' thingy at the bottom of this post and become a subscriber.Labels: motivation, personal development, self help
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Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Hi Guys. Take a look at book review 11 by Tami Brinkley here. Feel free to comment on the reviewed book, to encourage our reviewers, or just say hi and add your thoughts.Labels: motivation, personal development, self help
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Monday, March 17, 2008
So I thought that I might write a quick review of every self-help book ever written all right here in this one little post. Simple enough. I love the easy jobs. Surely it couldn't be that hard, could it? I figured that maybe I could take the important lessons from every self-help book I've read and every life experience I've endured, condense all that into fifty key points and save everybody a whole bunch of reading time. Sure, global book sales in the self-help field might take a down-turn for a decade or so, but I'm willing to take that chance and put in a solid sixty minutes (or so) work for the good of humanity; my gift to mankind.
Selfless I know.
I thought that perhaps I could follow Stephen Covey's lead (the Seven Habits) and come up with my own list of say... Fifty Habits (in truth, some of them are more qualities, than habits). It couldn't be too difficult to distill all those millions of words, tens of thousands of books and that vast well of information, inspiration, wisdom and insight which has been collated over the centuries into one teensy-weensy post by the ex-fat kid right here on medotcom. Who else could be better qualified?
Don't answer that.
Habits of successful people....
1. They look for and find opportunities where others see nothing.
2. They find a lesson while others only see a problem.
3. They are solution focused.
4. They consciously and methodically create their own success, while others hope success will
find them.
5. They are fearful like everyone else, but they are not controlled or limited by fear.
6. They ask the right questions - the ones which put them in a productive, creative, positive mindset and emotional state.
7. They rarely complain (waste of energy). All complaining does is put the complainer in a negative and unproductive state.
8. They don't blame (what's the point?). They take complete responsibility for their actions and outcomes (or lack thereof).
9. While they are not necessarily more talented than the majority, they always find a way to maximise their potential. They get more out of themselves. They use what they have more effectively.
10. They are busy, productive and proactive. While most are laying on the couch, planning, over-thinking, sitting on their hands and generally going around in circles, they are out there getting the job done.
11. They align themselves with like-minded people. They understand the importance of being part of a team. They create win-win relationships.
12. They are ambitious; they want amazing - and why shouldn't they? They consciously choose to live their best life rather than spending it on auto-pilot.
13. They have clarity and certainty about what they want (and don't want) for their life. They actually visualise and plan their best reality while others are merely spectators of life.
14. They innovate rather than imitate.
15. They don't procrastinate and they don't spend their life waiting for the 'right time'.
16. They are life-long learners. They constantly work at educating themselves, either formally (academically), informally (watching, listening, asking, reading, student of life) or experientially (doing, trying)... or all three.
17. They are glass half full people - while still being practical and down-to-earth. They have an ability to find the good.
18. They consistently do what they need to do, irrespective of how they are feeling on a given day. They don't spend their life stopping and starting.
19. They take calculated risks - financial, emotional, professional, psychological.
20. They deal with problems and challenges quickly and effectively, they don't put their head in the sand. They face their challenges and use them to improve themselves.
21. They don't believe in, or wait for fate, destiny, chance or luck to determine or shape their future. They believe in, and are committed to actively and consciously creating their own best life.
22. While many people are reactive, they are proactive. They take action before they have to.
23. They are more effective than most at managing their emotions. They feel like we all do but they are not slaves to their emotions.
24. They are good communicators and they consciously work at it.
 25. They have a plan for their life and they work methodically at turning that plan into a reality. Their life is not a clumsy series of unplanned events and outcomes.
26. Their desire to be exceptional means that they typically do things that most won't. They become exceptional by choice. We're all faced with live-shaping decisions almost daily. Successful people make the decisions that most won't and don't.
27. While many people are pleasure junkies and avoid pain and discomfort at all costs, successful people understand the value and benefits of working through the tough stuff that most would avoid.
28. They have identified their core values (what is important to them) and they do their best to live a life which is reflective of those values.
29. They have balance. While they may be financially successful, they know that the terms money and success are not interchangeable. They understand that people who are successful on a financial level only, are not successful at all. Unfortunately we live in a society which teaches that money equals success. Like many other things, money is a tool. It's certainly not a bad thing but ultimately, it's just another resource. Unfortunately, too many people worship it.
30. They understand the importance of discipline and self-control. They are strong. They are happy to take the road less travelled.
31. They are secure. They do not derive their sense of worth of self from what they own, who they know, where they live or what they look like.
32. They are generous and kind. They take pleasure in helping others achieve.
33. They are humble and they are happy to admit mistakes and to apologise. They are confident in their ability, but not arrogant. They are happy to learn from others. They are happy to make others look good rather than seek their own personal glory.
34. They are adaptable and embrace change, while the majority are creatures of comfort and habit. They are comfortable with, and embrace, the new and the unfamiliar.
35. They keep themselves in shape physically, not to be mistaken with training for the Olympics or being obsessed with their body. They understand the importance of being physically well. They are not all about looks, they are more concerned with function and health. Their body is not who they are, it's where they live.
36. They have a big engine. They work hard and are not lazy.
37. They are resilient. When most would throw in the towel, they're just warming up.
38. They are open to, and more likely to act upon, feedback.
39. They don't hang out with toxic people.
40. They don't invest time or emotional energy into things which they have no control of.
41. They are happy to swim against the tide, to do what most won't. They are not people pleasers and they don't need constant approval.
42. They are more comfortable with their own company than most.
43. They set higher standards for themselves (a choice we can all make), which in turn produces greater commitment, more momentum, a better work ethic and of course, better results.
44. They don't rationalise failure. While many are talking about their age, their sore back, their lack of time, their poor genetics, their 'bad luck', their nasty boss and their lack of opportunities (all good reasons to fail), they are finding a way to succeed despite all their challenges.
45. They have an off switch. They know how to relax, enjoy what they have in their life and to have fun.
46. Their career is not their identity, it's their job. It's not who they are, it's what they do.
47. They are more interested in effective than they are in easy. While the majority look for the quickest, easiest way (the shortcut), they look for the course of action which will produce the best results over the long term.
48. They finish what they start. While so many spend their life starting things that they never finish, successful people get the job done - even when the excitement and the novelty have worn off. Even when it ain't fun.
49. They are multi-dimensional, amazing, wonderful complex creatures (as we all are). They realise that not only are they physical and psychological beings, but emotional and spiritual creatures as well. They consciously work at being healthy and productive on all levels.
50. They practice what they preach. They don't talk about the theory, they live the reality.
So there you have it, your days of reading self-help books are done!
Okay, maybe not. I may have missed a few. Feel free to add a habit or two of your own to the list.
* Let us know your thoughts on this post by clicking on the comment thingy and sharing from your own experiences or thoughts. If you'd like to receive articles like this automatically, simply click on the 'subscribe to this feed' thingy at the bottom of this post and become a subscriber.Labels: motivation, personal development, self help
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Friday, March 14, 2008
When it comes to creating our best life, here's what we know for sure:
1 . We all want more (happiness, health, peace, knowledge, significance, fun, wealth) and of course more means different things for each of us individually. We visit sites like this because on some level, we all want to create positive change in our life.
2. The types of questions we ask have a significant impact on our mental and emotional states (our ability to create and be productive, or our ability to spontaneously combust and throw ourselves into a negative state).
3. Our mental and emotional states largely drive our behaviours (what we do day to day).
4. What we do (and don't do) largely dictates what kind of results we create in our world; our life reality.
5. Very few of us manage to get the absolute most out of ourselves, and very few of us are living our ideal life (that's not to say that we're necessarily miserable either).
6. In life, it's not so much what happens that matters but rather, how we deal with it. For some people, their life (situation, circumstances, environment) is not really the problem, they are.
I have spent much of my working life watching talented people under-achieve, self-sabotage and live an existence that they don't really enjoy or want, often because of their inability to ask themselves the right questions; their inability to get themselves empowered rather than frustrated, angry and fearful, and their inability to make the most of what they have, with what they've got, where they are. If there's a way to 'find the bad', they'll do it.
So, often the difference between a great day and a terrible day is as simple as the questions we ask ourselves. Some questions put us in a good place emotionally and psychologically (resourceful, creative, optimistic, positive, productive), which in turn creates better decisions, behaviours and results, and some questions put us on the slippery slope to depression, frustration, misery and desperation.
Here's what else we know:
 7. We can't change our genetics - but we can manipulate them and maximise them.
8. We can't change our history - but we can change how we let it affect us today.
9. We can't change other people - but we waste lots of time and energy trying anyway.
10. We can't change our chronological age - but we can change our biological (body) age.
11. Many of us invest mountains of time and emotional energy into things that we can't change, while doing nothing about the stuff we could and should change - kinda silly.
A simple rule:
"Change the stuff you can and let go of the stuff you can't."
Not rocket science really.
Here's some of the typical questions I've heard over the years, accompanied by some better options....
Why does this always happen to me?
Now that this has happened, what can I learn from it?
Why can she eat whatever she wants, yet I look at food and I get fat?
With my genetics, what's the best exercise and nutritional strategy for me? Why am I always the one to get injured?
Okay, I can't run for a month, 1) what's the best way to manage my injury and 2) what can I do to stay in shape without exacerbating my ankle problem? Why am I such a moron?
What can I do in the future to ensure I don't make the same mistakes again? Why does everything she touches turn to gold, but for me everything turns to crap?
What can I learn from her? What's the point; surely I'm too old?
What can I do practically to wind back my biological clock and create real, measurable change. 
So, your exercise for today (okay, for the rest of your life - but we'll start with today) is to consciously and consistently (that's the key) ask yourself better questions. Ask those thoughtful questions; the ones which will put you in a productive, creative, solution-focused place, not those destructive, woe-is-me questions. Ask the questions which will keep you honest, accountable and proactive. Don't allow your mind to wander down the very wide self-pity path (where most tread) but rather keep your eyes and feet focused on the narrow path of learning, growing, adapting and fulfilling your potential.
Remember... if you want to be exceptional, then do what most won't. Okay, your first four questions might be something like: 1) What can I take from this article and apply to my situation right now?
2) What's a communication habit (including self-talk) that I need to change from now? 3) What can I do to ensure that I follow through and stay accountable with these changes? 4) Why will it be different this time? Ciao. * Let us know your thoughts on this post by clicking on the comment thingy and sharing from your own experiences or thoughts. If you'd like to receive articles like this automatically, simply click on the 'subscribe to this feed' thingy at the bottom of this post and become a subscriber. Labels: motivation, personal development, self help
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Wednesday, March 12, 2008
While I don't claim to be (anywhere near) the best Personal Development Speaker in the world, if you were to Google the search term Motivational Speaker you would typically find that my name usually comes out somewhere near the very top of the list of about two million matches. Now, let me quickly add that this fact has pretty much nothing to do with my speaking skills or my profile, and everything to do with Johnnie's ability to do what he does with those amazing tech skills of his. I don't really understand how he does it, but I do know that he's good and I'm glad he's on my team.
 The two most obvious consequences of this Google ranking are:
a) I get a bunch of speaking work (nice). Thanks Baldy.
b) I get a bunch of emails from people who want advice on how to become a Personal Development/Motivational Speaker (not necessarily the same thing), like this one I received the other day....
Hi Craig,
The area that I am interested in is Personal Growth (not for me - although that's a continuous journey). I would like to coach/mentor/motivate - I think that covers it!! So I suppose one would have to know, what qualification should one have? Coaching? Training? Uni degree?
Thanks so much for your time,
Andrea
In the next three working days I have four speaking gigs and in 2008 I will deliver over one hundred presentations and workshops here and overseas, mostly to corporate audiences. In the last three weeks I have worked in Fiji, the U.S. and of course here in Australia. It is rewarding, challenging and fun, and I love doing it.
I don't know that I'm really the person to write a 'how-to guide' on becoming a Personal Development Speaker but I constantly get asked similar questions about the same topic so I guess it can't hurt to briefly share my thoughts on the matter, keeping in mind that this is not in any way the definitive guide to becoming a successful coach, motivator or speaker, it is merely a snapshot of what I've learned along the way, some random tips and what I've found to be true for me.
Here we go; Motivational Speaking 101...
1. There is no set formula or process to becoming a successful Personal Development Speaker.
2. Some of the most successful and powerful speakers have no tertiary qualification or formal training in human performance, psychology or behavioural science. In fact some of the highest paid speakers in the world never finished a university course, or for that matter, any type of course at all. I fell into this field because I realised that creating life-long positive change (what we all want) has very little to do with our body (the field I was in) and almost everything to do with our head. I discovered that my biggest challenge wasn't telling people what to do, why to do it, or how to do it, but actually getting them to do it (consistently). Change ain't about knowing, it's about doing, and it's in the doing (or should I say, not doing) that people fail.
3. While there is no mandatory 'pre-requisite' or course for this field, it is important to be a student of life nonetheless. "The world is my classroom and every day is a new lesson." Become an expert at observing humanity and you'll learn every day.
4. Having a vaguely 'appropriate or relevant' qualification (communication, psychology, management, philosophy) doesn't necessarily mean that you will be more suited to, or equipped for, the job, however, it may be of value.
 5. If you're not inspired or motivated, you probably won't inspire or motivate anyone else. I see this with Trainers in gyms all the time; very knowledgeable but about as inspiring as a bowl of soup. You might wanna get inspired yourself, before you try to inspire anyone else.
6. Get in front of groups and talk, anywhere, anytime. And talk. And talk. And keep doing it until you get good at it. And then when you're good... you can charge for it. You can't become a good speaker unless you're speaking often. So, find yourself an audience whenever you can. As with improving any skill, it's not about understanding the theory (only), but about applying it. Often. In my twenties I did hundreds of talks for free. I'm sure at least one of them was good. Or maybe not.
7. Study other speakers. Don't copy them but learn from them. What do they do well? What are the skills, qualities and attributes which make them so good?
8. Know and understand your subject matter inside-out. Don't memorise it, live it. Your presentation shouldn't be a theory that you share but a reality that you live. Then you'll speak with confidence and authority. Walk the talk. You can't teach (effectively) what you don't do.
9. Develop you own product, style, message. Have you own USP (unique selling proposition) - something which differentiates you in the market place. Replicas and clones are boring. And common.
10. Always operate with integrity and humility. Build respect, trust and a quality reputation as a presenter and educator. By the way, don't confuse humility for weakness. Humility actually requires real strength.
11. Don't focus on the money. Focus on becoming the best you can be and the financial rewards will be a by-product of that success. Lose the rock star mindset and patiently, methodically and consciously work at becoming a quality speaker.
12. Be clear and certain about what you want to share. What are your key messages? Be succinct and don't waffle. Use stories which re-enforce your message. Give people practical, useful information and strategies which can be applied as soon as they leave the presentation.
13. If you use a power-point slide show (if you must), don't have 300 slides!! Less is more. Don't have too many words on each slide and don't use more than twenty slides in a one hour presentation (at the most!).
14. Talk with people not at them. Less lecturing, more conversational chat. People won't connect with you if they don't think you're like them (in some way).
15. Don't be precious. If you constantly need to have your ego stroked and you can't deal with criticism then this ain't the career for you.
 16. Don't be cheesy. As a Personal Development Speaker your goal is to help people effect long-term change in a real and practical way, not to run around a room and whip them into a temporary self-help frenzy. And please do your best not to use smoke machines or rock music as a backdrop. The eighties are over. Some speakers are stuck in a time warp and permanently smell like Parmesan.
So there it was; a brief snapshot into (my version of) the world of Motivational Speaking. I don't know if that was at all interesting, helpful or relevant to you, but at least now I can simply refer the wanna-be motivators to this post rather than penning all those individual responses. See; I'm really being lazy. Let me know your thoughts, share a story and remember to leave a comment by clicking on the comment thingy below. If you would like to receive articles like this automatically then click on the subscribe to this feed thingy.
Enjoy your day Groovers.
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Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Hello Groovers.
Jeeezei'vemisja.
 Well, it's Monday here in the thriving metropolis of Melbourne, I'm back from the States, survived my thirty-hour return journey (a bus trip and three flights), still a little jet-lagged, lost three kilos (7lbs) in five days at the snow, learned a lot from the collective genii and here today in the afore-mentioned metropolis we have a forecast of 37 deg. Celsius (over 100F) - a big departure from the sub-zero temps of Keystone, Colorado. So right now, my body doesn't really know what the heck is going on. My brain is still a little fuzzy too, so if I write something stupid today, that's my excuse!
Over the last week I have received a bunch of emails and comments asking me about my trip and what I've learned and enjoyed hanging out with some of the best educators, speakers, writers and pioneers in the world of fitness and health. And I mean literally the world; these people flew in to Colorado from all over the globe to be part of this amazing conference created and facilitated by PTontheNet (the world's largest online education resource for fitness professionals). I had the privilege of opening the conference and then being treated to two days of information, inspiration and up-to-the-minute education.
Firstly, I'll share some quick insights and then I'll share a story about one amazing individual.
A snapshot of what I learned or re-learned.
1. The more we learn about the human body, the more we realise how much we still have to learn.
2. Bodies are very capable and adaptable - if only our minds were as compliant! When it comes to changing our body, invariably we let our mind get in the way. Master our mind and we'll master our body.
3. We have more than enough knowledge right now to create amazing results, not only with our body, but in all areas of our lives. Yet incredibly, we don't use what we have. Our generation is the most educated in history but in many ways we've never been in worse shape (physically, emotionally, psychologically, financially) because we don't consistently apply what we know.
 4. Generally speaking, the more knowledgeable people are, the less arrogant they are. They don't feel the need to prove themselves because they know what they know, and they are comfortable with that. Hanging out with these rock stars of the fitness world, I was pleasantly surprised to discover how humble, open and honest the vast majority were; seemingly no need to impress or gain approval. I was also blown away by their constant desire to keep learning. After my presentation I had several of the speakers thank me and ask me questions specific to what I had discussed because they wanted to learn! That's humility. I learned that to be the most effective teachers and coaches we can be, we need to have 'the mind of a teacher and the heart of a student'. And if you look at the great leaders, pioneers, educators and innovators over the centuries (in all fields), that's exactly what they had.
5. I also learned that I don't know much about the human body. I still have so much to learn and I am excited by that. I have been studying the body for twenty six years and I don't know the vast majority of what there is to learn. I re-learned that I will be a student for life - by choice. I also re-learned that great leaders and teachers become great because of their attitude, their commitment to learning, their self-imposed standards, their drive to do good and their desire to teach - not because of their innate talent or potential. Talent doesn't produce results, attitude and work does.
Robert Cappuccio
Lots of people wanted to know which speaker I enjoyed the most, and while I learned from every presenter, the person who had the biggest impact on me is a man named Robert (Bobby) Cappuccio. In my life I have never heard a better speaker. And I have listened to plenty, from Tony Robbins (the highest paid personal development speaker in the world), down. The interesting thing about most personal development speakers is that they invariably seem to have their own story of coming from a 'challenging' background. Challenging of course being a term which is open to interpretation and embellishment. Don't let the facts get in the way of a good story, some people would say.
To say that Bobby Cappuccio came from a background of adversity is like saying that Bill Gates has a few dollars in the bank. He is a truly inspirational human being who possesses unique insights into, and understanding of human behaviour, partly because he's wired that way, partly because of the vast amount of study he has done, partly because of his commitment to excellence and largely because of his life experiences. I can't do justice to his story, or to the man he has become in a few words, but I'll do my best to give you a brief snapshot of who Bobby Cappuccio is.
As a child Bobby was subjected to years and years of torture and physical and emotional abuse.
 He was born with a facial deformity and was constantly told by his step father how hideous he was. His step father often held a mirror to his face as he did this.
His step father abused him via physical beatings, regularly holding his head under water until he was almost dead, burning him with cigarettes and threatening to kill him on a regular basis.
He was sexually abused.
He developed facial ticks, Tourette's Syndrome and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
He lived a childhood in constant fear for his life.
He was socially ostracised, marginalised and victimised for the way he looked and behaved.
In his late teens he underwent two surgeries to 'correct' his facial deformities.
Be the change
There is so much of Bobby's incredible story that I can't do justice to here in this brief post, but let me say that despite enormous adversity as a child, he has become an incredible speaker, teacher, philosopher and human being. Where many would sink, he has chosen to not just swim, but to fly. From the moment he stepped on to that stage in Colorado he had the entire auditorium engaged, totally connected and in the palm of his hand. He spoke words of insight, wisdom and revelation with such passion and such commitment that the majority of the crowd were totally speechless and captivated. He was the only presenter over the course of the entire conference to receive a standing ovation - and this was without knowing any of his life story. The audience were unaware of his background (he didn't share any of it), so the standing ovation was not some sympathy vote, it was a fitting response to an incredible presentation by an amazing teacher. As I sat there listening to Bobby's message with tears in my eyes, I was not embarrassed or ashamed, I was proud and I was amazed to watch my new friend make a difference in so many lives. A man who could quite reasonably be in therapy his whole life but instead has chosen to 'be the change' that Mahatma Gandhi spoke of.
Finding a way
I had the good fortune to spend time with Bobby away from the spotlight and I came away with a renewed passion for, and insight into human potential. It's so incredible what we can do when we find a way, rather than find an excuse. There were so many reasons for Bobby to be anything but amazing and nobody would have blamed him. But he chose to live an amazing existence and to be the most he could, with what he has. And he has done it incredibly well.
I hope you do too.
An admission
To be honest, I am growing less and less tolerant of negative people who constantly whine, bitch, moan and complain about their tough lives. People who live in some of the wealthiest countries on earth, who have never known the hardship that more than half of the world's population are subjected to every day of their life. People who constantly rationalise, justify and blame but never actually do anything constructive to change their reality. People who major in minors. I regularly get slammed for my hard-core approach to personal development but in truth, I don't care if people share my philosophy or not.
Not a popularity contest
 I'm not interested in popularity, I'm interested in results, respect and life-long change. I don't care about what people want to hear, I care about what works. We have become a fat and lazy society in every way, not just physically. We don't like the truth, we don't like being challenged and we don't like being uncomfortable. What too many people don't realise is that it's the challenges and the discomfort that cause us to grow if, and when, we step up to the plate. As I've said before, pain is our greatest teacher if we choose to learn.
I'm not disputing the fact that we all face real adversity, real pain, real tragedy and real hardship even in our privileged lives (if you're not starving, you're privileged), what I am saying is that we can choose to be exceptional despite our situation, despite our circumstance and despite whatever challenges life throws at us.
I know this approach doesn't sit well with all of the personal development folk (whoever they are) but I would rather write for an audience of ten that is serious about change, than an audience of ten thousand which comes here every day to be entertained.
So, are you in the ten, or the ten thousand?
That's a choice too.
See ya.
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Friday, March 7, 2008
I think most of us would agree that on a practical, day-to-day level the most important life skill is communication. However, when we take a look around we discover that:
1. Many of us have trouble expressing ourselves effectively.
2. Many of us spend the majority of our life not saying what we think or feel (for a range of reasons).
3. Some of us talk a lot without ever saying much.
4. The vast majority of us don't consciously work at becoming more effective communicators.
Sadly, too many of us mumble and bumble our way through much of our life. Or we remain silent. And frustrated. And unfulfilled. And angry. And sad. Sure, we'll learn how to weave baskets, use a computer, build a spaceship from scrap metal and we'll even attend university for years to learn irrelevant stuff that we'll never need, remember, or use, but will we actually make a conscious effort to learn how to communicate and connect more effectively with people? Nup.
Trash talking...
For many people in many situations their inability to be able to engage in meaningful, productive conversation or to communicate a message clearly is a major barrier to living their best life, maximising their potential and developing healthy and productive relationships. Many of us talk a lot, but not effectively. Being talkative doesn't equate to being a good communicator, it just means someone talks a lot. Sometimes less is more. Sometimes what we don't say is a more effective way of making a point or creating a particular outcome. Just like me singing in the shower every morning doesn't make me a good singer (trust me), neither does a person being somewhat verbose necessarily translate to them being an effective communicator. In fact, the reason some people are terrible communicators is because they actually talk too much and listen too little.
So, why do we need to be better communicators?
1. Healthier relationships across the board - in every area of our lives.
2. Less conflict and misunderstanding - and therefore less stress and problems.
3. More confidence in a range of situations and settings.
4. Better connection and rapport.
5. More opportunities.
6. Less wasted time and energy - because we can communicate our message (thoughts, ideas) more effectively.
7. Less frustration - always nice.
8. More respect.
 So, of course the obvious question is... how do we become better communicators?
1. Ask people open ended questions, not yes/no questions.
"Did you have a nice weekend?" - Bad
"What did you do on the weekend?" - Good
Ask questions which show that you're interested in the other person and give the conversation a chance of lasting for more than thirty seconds!
2. Be an active listener. Participate rather than spectate. Consciously be involved in the discussion, ask relevant, meaningful questions and don't simply wait for a gap in the conversation so that you can be heard.
3. Be genuinely interested in the other person. Self-centred people are terrible communicators because they always steer the conversation back to themselves and they rarely acknowledge, validate or actually consider the other person's feelings or perspective. If you're not interested in the other person's perspective, you're not part of a conversation, you're delivering a monologue.
4. Have fun and don't take yourself too seriously. Be able to laugh at yourself. Some people are so intense that they're no fun to hang out with or talk to.
5. Be open to the notion that you might be.... wrong! Crazy thought I know but just try it anyway. If you go into any conversation with a level of arrogance and superiority (in your mind anyway) then you will never have a productive conversation or meaningful exchange. Don't talk at people, talk with them. If you can't consider a perspective other than your own, you will never relate to others and you'll never learn or grow as a communicator.
6. Put yourself in situations where you will be forced to develop those communication skills. Speak to a group, deal with a situation you've been avoiding, have that long-overdue discussion with that person.
7. Before you open your mouth, get clarity about what you want to say. Some people engage their mouth before they engage their brain. You know those people. Who am I kidding, you and I are those people! I'm always putting my foot in my mouth. Okay, feet.
8. Listen to yourself on audio tape or watch yourself on video/DVD. Can be a particularly uncomfortable but eye-opening exercise. Not always a feasible option this suggestion (you may not have such a tape) but when possible it's always sure to provide you with a fresh perspective of... you. The first time I saw myself talk to an audience on video, I cringed for forty five minutes and hated every second of it. But I did learn a lot about how others perceived me and I did identify one or two (hundred) annoying little communication idiosyncrasies.
9. Learn the other person's language. Sure we all speak English (our version anyway), but in reality we all speak a different language. If you can't speak your bosse's, wife's, friend's, kid's, neighbour's 'language', then you can't communicate effectively with them. Many people use the same communication style with every person in every situation - with disastrous results. The question we need to ask is:
"How do I need to communicate with this person to create the best outcome" (to understand them and to be understood by them).
9. Be aware of, interpret (as best you can) and react to, non-verbal communication. Everything a person does (as opposed to says) is telling you something; conveying a message. Ninety three percent of all communication is non-verbal, so sometimes we need to watch more than we need to listen. Whether or not someone is happy, sad, angry, uncomfortable, stressed, intimidated or confused can usually be perceived without a word being spoken.
10. Don't talk for the sake of it. Learn to be comfortable with silence and learn when not to speak. Incessant talking is a sign of nerves or insecurity or both, and never results in meaningful dialogue.
11. Ask for feedback. Of course we don't want to ask for feedback. What a stupid idea. What if they tell us what we don't want to hear? Nearly every presentation I do is critiqued (rated) by my audience in the form of written assessment sheets and that has been one of the best learning tools for me. Not always fun but always valuable. If you want honest feedback, get it anonymously! There ain't no candy-coating!
Listening to the Gurus...
Over the last few days here in Colorado I have had the pleasure of listening to some of the best communicators and teachers in the world. My poor little brain has had information and sensory overload. I have listened to twenty two lectures and I have been astounded at the ability of some people to connect with an auditorium full of people within seconds. While I have always understood the importance of great communication, this collection of genii have reminded me that we all (me included) need to constantly and consciously work at being the best communicators we can be because without doubt, it is life's most important skill and it directly affects virtually every area of our reality.
* Let us know your thoughts on this post by clicking on the comment thingy and sharing from your own experiences or thoughts. If you'd like to receive articles like this automatically, simply click on the 'subscribe to this feed' thingy at the bottom of this post and become a subscriber.Labels: motivation, personal development, self help
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Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Hi Guys. Take a look at book review 10 by Kris Rollag here. Feel free to comment on the reviewed book, to encourage our reviewers, or just say hi and add your thoughts.Labels: motivation, personal development, self help
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 Given the opportunity, most (if not all) people will reel off a list of things that they would like to change about their life. That's not to say (necessarily) that their current reality is intolerable or in immediate need of change, but rather that there are areas of their life which could do with a little 'renovating'. On some level, we all want more; more happiness, more freedom, more peace, more money, more health, more excitement, more fun, more recognition, more love, more opportunities..... and so on.
Creatures of habit.
For many people, their inability to adapt and to deal with change is what stops them from fulfilling their potential and living their best life. They are creatures of habit (bad habit) and they are largely controlled by fear. New things (situations, circumstances, environments, challenges, people) freak them out, and typically they are addicted to routine and all things familiar. Mostly, they avoid discomfort at all costs.
Being a person who is incapable of dealing with change is somewhat of a handicap in a constantly changing, dynamic world. While life is often messy, uncomfortable and unpredictable, these people gravitate towards predictable, familiar, comfortable and safe - not a great way to make any kind of progress or to create positive change.
If life was a theory...
 My experience has taught me that the people who succeed (in whatever endeavour) are often those who are the most adaptable; those who can deal with change, discomfort and the unpredictability of life. Surprisingly, in the quest to create a better life (or part thereof), the determinant of success is far less likely to be things like talent, skill level, intelligence or potential, and much more likely to be an individual's ability to adapt to change and challenge. As an employer, I would prefer to hire the person with less talent and more adaptability than the genius who can't cope with the lumps, bumps and hurdles of everyday life. If life was a theory, I'd go for the genius but being as it's an actual event, I'll go with the person with the amazing coping skills thanks.
The last few days here in the snow fields of Keystone, Colorado have been interesting for me because everything is unfamiliar; different money, different climate (ten inches of snow fell today), different culture, different language (yes Americans and Aussies speak English but it ain't the same language!), different food, different attitudes and different rules. Not better or worse, just different. Even ordering a coffee at Starbucks proved to be a lesson for me. I have had plenty of lessons since I've arrived and I love learning new things about different people and their culture.
The microwaved brain.
For the boy who grew up in sun-drenched Australia, walking around in minus ten temperatures (Celsius), and ankle deep snow at nearly ten thousand feet above sea level has been a steep learning curve. Today I walked about one kilometre without my hat and I nearly snap-froze my brain. Honestly. As I left my apartment I remembered that I had left my hat behind and being the genius alpha, male warrior (aka idiot) that I am, I figured I wouldn't need it for such a short trip. I figured wrong. When I got home I had to put my brain in the microwave (30 seconds on defrost). Needless to say I have learned and I am adapting.
If you're all about taking your reality from mediocre to amazing (or you want to be), then it's imperative that you learn to deal with the unpredictability of life. Revel in it even. That's where we learn, grow and and adapt, and that's where the real joy is.
Some suggestions:
 1. Don't let yourself get too comfortable. A little comfort is great, too much holds us back.
2. Consciously put yourself in challenging situations - the ones you've avoided for too long. Stop being a big baby and step up to the plate. Stop waiting for success to fall on your head.
3. Do the same things a different way. Like when we do a daily workout as we have done for years and then one day we decide to completely change the way we do that workout. We will see our body start to adapt straight away because we have stimulated it differently. Like our body, our mind needs to be stimulated and challenged for it to learn and adapt. If we always do the same things that same way, we'll always produce the same results.
4. Work hard to avoid being a creature of habit. Some habits are good but that's not what we're talking about here. Sometimes we do things a certain way simply because that's what we've always done.
5. Do new stuff. Just because you can. Surprise yourself and others. Stop being so predictable and safe. Stop being so logical and reasonable you boring old fart. Stop rationalising your fear by giving it another label.
6. Face those fears. Our inability or unwillingness to adapt is usually fear-based. Start with the little stuff (minor challenges), gain some confidence and then graduate to the big stuff. Do something that scares you. Leave a comment perhaps!
* Let us know your thoughts on this post by clicking on the comment thingy and sharing from your own experiences or thoughts. If you'd like to receive articles like this automatically, simply click on the 'subscribe to this feed' thingy at the bottom of this post and become a subscriber.Labels: motivation, personal development, self help
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Monday, March 3, 2008
As most of you know, at the moment I'm in the States to speak at a conference. A conference with twenty four other presenters who have flown in from all over the world to be part of the two day program; 'Meeting of the Minds'. These guys and girls are without doubt, the best in the world at what they do; motivators, educators, researchers, authors, inventors and entrepreneurs.
Kid in a candy store.
People think I came over here to speak. I didn't. I really came here to learn from, and hang out with, these amazing people. Sneaky huh? Learning from the gurus without paying; gotta love that. I'm such a cheapskate. Let's hope they don't discover that I have an agenda. I love spending time with cool people with great attitudes and great minds, who have done, and continue to do, amazing stuff with their life. I find it inspiring and encouraging. At the moment I'm like a kid in a candy store, only there are no calories, no insulin responses and it's all healthy for me.
Feeding our mind the good stuff.
It's so good for us to feed our mind and nourish our spirit by spending time with positive people in a positive environment. People who want to learn, teach, inspire others and give back. People who are making a difference, people who are happy to share what they have learned and most importantly, people who are stoked to see other people succeed. I love talking with people who have great energy, who consistently work at owning a good attitude and who always find the good. In a world which seemingly lives by the mantra of "looking after number one", it's kinda refreshing and motivating to meet people who live in a different place. A healthy place.
Simply being around some people can make you feel uplifted, motivated, hopeful, positive, confident and excited, just as being around other people might make you feel stressed, sad, fearful, anxious, unworthy and uncomfortable. Sometimes we need to go to the dump; the toxic dump.
Removing the toxins.
A long time ago I decided to work consciously at removing the sociological, emotional and psychological toxins from my life; toxic conversations, toxic attitudes, toxic beliefs, toxic relationships, toxic environments and of course, toxic people. We don't need people, circumstances or situations poisoning our life or any part thereof, but that's exactly what (some) people will do (knowingly or not) if we let them. So I choose, not.
The simple truth is that there are some nasty-ass people who seem to delight in other's pain, misery and misfortune. They gossip, they lie, they cause trouble, they create division, they criticise and they seem to revel in melodrama and all things negative. They have a poisonous mindset and if you hang out with them long enough, you'll become just like them. And you'll get sick. Maybe not physically, but you will get sick. Toxic us.
And then we have to deal with toxic us. We've all been poisoned in some way and to an extent, we've all been poisonous ourselves. We all have a little of that bright green poisonous goop flowing in our veins from time to time. We think we're all that but the truth is we all have the ability and the potential to be toxic - in our thinking, our communication, our parenting, our relationships and in virtually evey part of our day to day life. Before we start pointing fingers at the rest of the world for their toxic ways, we need to stand in front of the mirror for a little honest self-assessment to make sure that we're not infecting anyone else and that we're not killing ourselves with our own toxic thinking, habits and behaviours. Sometimes we need to step back from our life, get some perspective and identify those toxins that are:
a. Stopping us from growing and fulfilling our potential
b. Causing us to be a negative rather than a positive in the lives of others and
c. Making us sick (physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually unwell).
Once we identify those toxins we need to create and undertake our own detox program. Obviously this will mean different things for different people, but typically it might involve some or all of the following: 1. Spending less or no time with some people. Over the years I have consciously distanced myself from certain people who I have found to be particularly toxic - even if I liked them. People with toxic attitudes, toxic habits and toxic tongues. Hanging out with people who major in minors, dwell on negatives and find fault in everything and everyone is exhausting, depressing and debilitating. This step is not always easy or practical as some of those toxic people happen to be in our life. It might mean spending only the time you absolutely have to with those people, or it might mean creating some 'rules of engagement'. I have a few friends who know that all of our conversations have boundaries. If I see that we're heading down the path of the meaningless, pointless, negative diatribe, I will shut the conversation down. 2. Consciously changing our self talk. Easier said than done, but many of us need to make a concerted effort to change the way we think and talk about ourselves. When someone compliments you, simply accept their compliment and don't talk yourself down. This is something which I have personally battled with over the years. Even to this day, part of me is uncomfortable with people paying me compliments. However, where once I would dismiss people's kind words, I now appreciate them and receive them as I should.
3. Hanging out with different people. Hanging out with positive people is infectious. While I have a broad cross-section of friends and colleagues who I spend time with, I also make an effort to hang out with certain people who I personally find inspiring, stimulating and exceptional at what they do. It might sound a little strategic (rather than developing a relationship naturally and spontaneously) but that's okay, not every relationship needs to develop the 'old-fashioned' way. Quite often these 'strategic' relationships turn out to be mutually beneficial life-long bonds. I have quite a few friends who I only see three or four times a year for lunch or dinner and most of our encounters prove to be stimulating, thought-provoking, motivating, positive experiences. 4. Changing environments, situations, habits or even careers. Sometimes we find ourselves in toxic situations and it's necessary for us to walk away. This might be something relatively minor like walking away from a potential argument, or it might be something much more significant like changing jobs or even careers. I have mentored many people who have worked in a toxic environment for far too long and when they finally made the move it was like they walked out of a dark cloud and into the sunlight. The vast majority of these people regretted not having made the move years earlier.
 5. Avoiding toxic conversations. Toxic conversations are the easiest way to get poisoned. They are pointless, they are destructive, they are frustrating and they drag us down emotionally and psychologically. They are also incredibly common and they permeate virtually every part of the human experience. Some of us have been having the same toxic conversations, with the same people about the same issues for years. Maybe we should cut that out? So next time you find yourself heading towards a toxic moment, experience, encounter or conversation, take a sharp left, head straight to the toxic dump and don't look back. * Let me know your thoughts on this post by simply clicking on the comment thingy - even you chronic lurkers. If you would like to receive articles like this automatically, simply click on the 'subscribe to this feed' thingy at the bottom of this post and become a subscriber.Labels: motivation, personal development, self help
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