This site is the website of motivational speaker Craig Harper. A constantly updated, one-stop information, inspiration, education and motivation station. Unlike many similar sites, it is a totally free resource for anyone who is serious about moving from mediocre to amazing in any area of their personal or professional life. With hundreds of articles covering a wide range of subject matter, great interviews with cool people and inspirational video posts, there's more than enough brain-food to keep you busy for hours. Okay, days!! Enjoy.
Click play above
to
see one of Craig's weekly segments on national
television. (9AM with Kim & David - Network Ten)
Online
Personal Training
Can’t always make it to the gym? With your very own
Cyber-Trainer you don’t need to. Our online PT
service is for people who would like to access the
skill, knowledge and experience of a quality
Trainer, without doing the face-to-face thing.
Life Coach
If you are interested in maximizing your potential,
stepping out of that 'holding pattern' and being
privately coached by Craig click here.
Business Coach
If you're a personal trainer, gym owner or studio
owner who is interested in growing your business
then mentoring with Craig could be a valuable part
of your overall success strategy.
Biological Age Testing
Recently, 67 year old Jan Frazer completed one of
our biological age tests only to discover she has
the body of a 37 year old (in terms of fitness,
strength and function). How old is your body? Find
out here.
Body Composition Analysis
Craig's
team of experts can provide you with a
complete Body Composition Analysis in just 30
minutes.
Online
Nutrition
Many
nutritional experts confuse people with their jargon
and pseudo-science. Let Craig's Director of
Nutrition cut through the dietary confusion and
contradiction for you.
Fattitude
- Craig Harper
While many books focus on food,
Craig teaches that creating life-long change is more about the
dieter, than the actual diet. This book is perfect for people who have a
history of 'almost' getting in shape.
DVD
or CD - Renovate Your Body In this entertaining presentation, Craig discusses the
notion of Renovating Your Body - once and for all. Many of us have a curious
ability to be able to get in shape for events (weddings, parties, reunions
and birthdays), if only we'd get in shape for life.
Craig Harper is Australia's leading
motivational speaker
and educator (according to Google Australia). He is a highly
sought-after corporate coach and is considered to be
a leader and pioneer in the areas of personal and
professional development.
Working with hundreds of
teams, companies and a wide variety of organisations
on numerous continents over the last twenty years
has given Craig a unique insight into, and
understanding of, human performance and all its
variables. Craig has an ability to educate, inspire,
challenge and make people laugh all at the same
time!
* This post won't make much sense if you haven't read yesterday's effort..... so if you haven't read it yet, you may want to.
Dear Young Me.
G'day Kid.
It was really great to hear from you (me).
I was so excited when the mailman arrived at the door. I knew from the handwriting, the dusty old envelope and the four cent stamp that it was from you (me). I couldn't open it fast enough. Where ya been? It's been too long since we chatted... but then again, maybe I haven't been opening the right letters or paying attention. I know you've tried to make contact a few times. Perhaps I've ignored you a bit. Sorry about that.
Didn't mean to.
Old people like me should listen more to seven year-olds like you. Sometimes I think I'm more important than I am. I get a bit carried away with myself and my very important life. Sometimes I forget to listen to you. I'll work on that.
Even though you're 'only seven', you're smarter than many grown-ups, so don't sell yourself short and don't be in a hurry to 'get big'. Being big ain't all that. Lots of big people are tools.
We definitely need to communicate more so keep those dusty old letters coming and I'll work at being the best 'old you' I can be.
I love hearing from you and I really dig it when you visit me when I'm asleep, so feel free to drop by any night. I'll only be sleeping anyway, so it would be great if we could hang out a little. I spend way too many sleeps having conversations with people I really don't wanna hang out with, so I'd much rather spend some time with you.
I have forgotten so much and I'd love you to refresh my memory and tell me all about me... you. While it was fantastic to receive your letter, it was also kinda bitter-sweet for me. Sweet, in that it was great to hear from you again, but bitter, in that I feel like I have let you down in some ways. Perhaps my standards have slipped a little over the last thirty six years. Somewhere, somehow I think I left you behind. I didn't mean to... because I actually think you're ace.
I think I lost some of your (my) generosity and patience. And kindness and gentleness. And innocence and hope. I've probably become a little hard and selfish. Sometimes I don't know if you'd like the me you've become. Perhaps with your input I can change for the best. Perhaps I can unlearn a bit.
I need to.
Okay, enough of the deep, depressing grown-up stuff... I guess I should answer a few of your questions from your letter and tell you a little about 'old you'.
Well, I guess the good news for you is that girls become more appealing and less smelly as you get older. I know it's hard to believe now, but in a few years you will even want to spend some time with them. And one day in the not-too-distant future, you're actually gonna kiss one of them. Freaky I know, but panic not my young me... it's pretty good. Almost as good as wrestling.
I probably shouldn't tell you this but Helen Jacobs turns out to be kinda hot in a few years, so be nice to her. I know you don't really get this right now... but just trust me on it. Be nice!
You know how you feel when you see that Eliminator skateboard with the 'flexi-deck' and the see-through wheels in the sports store (the one you desperately want but are not allowed to have), well multiply that feeling by a hundred and that's what you'll experience when you see Helen Jacobs in about eight years.
She's like the best skateboard ever.
You asked me if I have looked after your body... well I've (you've) had my moments. I'm (you're) no Brad Pitt (you'll find out who he is in about twenty years) and there are a few creaky bits, but overall you're looking okay for a fossil. Compared to some forty three year-olds, you're fantastic.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this Champ.... but the wars, the violence, the hatred, the starving kids thing; all the yucky stuff.... it's still happening.
Possibly even more.
I know this doesn't make sense to you now but as long as grown-ups are in charge of the world it seems like there will always be horrible, nasty, unfair injustices (bad stuff) happening to nice people who don't deserve it. I think that if seven year-olds like you made all the rules, the world would definitely be a better place. A lot less violent and unfair anyway. And way less homework.
You asked if I was still excited about my future. The brief answer is yes... but not as excited as I should be. However, in the last twenty four hours (since I got your letter) some of that excitement and enthusiasm has been re-ignited.
You have made me think. You have made me laugh and made me cry. You have made me feel things that I haven't felt for a long time. Chatting with you makes me sad... but also gives me immense joy. Hard to understand, I know. But it's true.
I actually want to be more like you. I know that's a weird concept for you, but one day you'll get it.
When we get old we tend to forget some of the important stuff. We forget how to be kids. We forget to laugh and play. We forget to invent and create. We forget to make others feel good. We forget to enjoy what we've got.
We forget the promises we made to ourselves when we were seven.
In your letter you asked me if it's fun being big and being able to do all that cool stuff and living without any rules. Well, the answer is yes and no. Of course being able to eat cereal out of the box without mum saying anything is certainly a bonus and having cheesecake before dinner is unreal... however sometimes being big kinda sucks. You see, lots of grown-ups create dumb rules for themselves. Rules that make their life an unfulfilling, frustrating, lonely and sad experience.
Lots of grown-ups are sad... and scared. More scared than kids even.
Many of them are too scared to do almost anything. You know how scared you are of the dentist... well times that by fifty and that's how scared some grown-ups are of almost everything. They don't need to be... but strangely, they choose to be.
They suffer from analysis paralysis; they think about things so much that they never actually do anything.
As you grow up remember it's okay to be scared. And it's also okay to do stuff that scares you (like going to the the dentist and sleeping with the light off). Doing scary stuff means you're brave and makes you strong.
Grown-ups should do more scary stuff.
You asked me if it's fun being a professional footballer, rock star, fireman, racing car driver, stunt man and astronaut...
I'll let you find out for yourself.
You also asked me if you're gonna do amazing stuff and if I'm proud of what you've (I've) done (you'll do). Well, I can't tell you too much little man 'cause I don't want to ruin it for you... but I can tell you that life is a gift, it is an amazing opportunity and every day you need to make the most of it.
Keep learning, keep asking questions, keep your innocence and whatever you do....
I hope this letter finds you (I mean me) well. I hope you're (I mean I'm) looking after my (our) body (okay, I'm seven and confused) and I bet you're (I'm) really loving being a professional footballer, rock star, fireman, racing car driver, stunt man and astronaut. It must be fun.
I can't wait.
Seven is really tough. Do you remember? So much homework and Helen Jacobs really annoys me. She smells a bit and got me into trouble at school today. I don't really like her much. And I didn't do anything. Honest.
Anyway, I am very excited about meeting (being) forty-three year-old me one day. I imagine the world is an amazing place to live in thirty six years from now. I bet you're (I'm) really enjoying the farm in the country with all the animals and all those great motorbike tracks. I guess it's great owning the fastest motorbike in the world too... I bet you're (I'm) lovin' that. And the plane of course. I so can't wait.
I'm also really excited to find out about how you and all the other grown-ups have solved all those big problems... you know; the starving kids, the lack of education in some countries, the killing, the wars, the hate... all that horrible stuff.
It must be amazing living in a world with no poverty and where everyone gets on well together. I can't wait to see how you guys did it. Must be so proud.
I know I'm only seven but I don't really get the killing and the hating thing. Not smart enough yet I guess. So much learning to do. Grown-ups are so clever.
Are you still excited about your future.. 'cause I am. Or have you done it all by now... after all, forty three is very old. I guess you've pretty much achieved all your dreams haven't you? Did you (I) end up helping all those people you said you would? I bet you did. Must be so proud of yourself.
It must be great when you're big 'cause you can do whatever you want. No limits. No rules and no parents to stop you. Cool. Do you love doing all that great stuff? When you're seven there are way too many rules and everyone bosses me around. I'm so gonna do amazing stuff when I get big.
Recently on a current affairs television program here in Melbourne there was a story exploring the concept of children not receiving 'traditional' school report cards and not being graded (marked) on their school work at all. The key message of the program was that evaluating our kids and actually scoring them on their work and exams might set them up for some kind of long-term emotional pain or short-term social judgement and ridicule from their peers. Apparently the traditional concept of report cards might do some kind of damage and it might be in our kid's interest to 'protect' them from any form of assessment or evaluation.
Clearly, turning up to school is enough.
What a great idea. That way nobody will get upset. Fantastic.
We wouldn't want children to compare report cards and we wouldn't want anyone to do 'better' or 'worse' than anyone else would we? Ideally, everyone will get about the same mark, no one will fail, no one will get upset, all the parents will be happy, no kids will have to deal with any pressure, no waves will be made and then we'll all go home and sing nice, warm, fuzzy songs around the fire and drink hot milk. Then we'll put our pyjamas on and dad will read amazing stories to us; ones where we are the heroes. Give me a bucket.
What a great preparation for the realities of life beyond school this kind of learning environment would be. What are we teachingour kids when the message is that... not studying, not paying attention in class, not completing homework and not being a responsible, diligent student... has no real downside?
Back in the dark ages when I was at school my teachers employed this wacky notion of telling us whether or not our school work was great, good, bad or otherwise. They even gave us grades. And when my report cards were bad my folks got mad at me... not the teacher. Crazy, I know. Surprisingly I didn't die from this... or suffer any irreparable damage.
Sometimes kids even failed a subject. Interestingly, none of them died either (as a result of that failure). Some of them even went away, studied, worked harder, passed the next semester, developed some new skills and learned a lot from the experience!
Is it just me, or does is dawn on anybody else that the rampant over-protection of our kids (and not just in a school setting) doesn't really help them at all? It's not always an advantage but often, a significant disadvantage? I'm not a kid-ologist (made that up) but I do own a kid's gym and do observe lots of parents in action and it seems to me that some parents are so paranoid and over-protective that the very thing they don't want... they end up creating; kids who can't cope, can't adapt and don't fit in.
The world is a messy, lumpy, bumpy, unfair, nasty, unpredictable place. Perhaps we should let our kids experience a little pain, discomfort, adversity... life. One of the realities of life beyond school is that we are regularly (if not, constantly) evaluated, judged, criticised and given feedback. Some of it's positive, some negative, some of it's nice, some of it's nasty... it's just happens. Try and find a job where you're never given feedback about your performance... good luck with that. In life not everybody 'wins', not everybody has fun, not everybody has it easy and not everybody 'passes' everything. Perhaps this would be a valuable lesson for our kids. Sometimes we fail, fall down, get hurt, make mistakes... and dealing with these realities is how and when we do our real learning.
One day some of these 'protected' kids are going to get a rude awakening when they step out of their cushy, cosy, comfy, manufactured school experience... and step into the workplace.
I worry that by building these weird academic environments where 'everybody passes'... and nobody gets and 'F'... we prevent our kids from experiencing reality. We prevent our kids from developing the strength, skills, attitudes and coping mechanisms to be able to negotiate the realities of life. We handicap them. Yes, we mean well...but no, we're not helping in the long-term.
I also worry that neurotic, insecure parents are raising neurotic, insecure kids.
I personally know several women who have been so determined to 'protect' their daughters from the 'perils' of obesity (fat girls get picked on) that they have kindly passed on all of their own obsessive behaviours and attitudes around food to their girls. Mum was picked on for being chubby... so she'll do anything to protect her daughter from going through that same experience.
Including giving her an eating disorder. Thanks Mum.
I know that the parents and teachers motives are (usually) good and honourable but perhaps we need to ask ourselves whether or not all this 'protection' is grooming our kids for success... or failure.
Waddya think? Let me know (and where you're from).
So the ex-fat kid from down under has been featured in the Washington Post in an article talking about online inspiration! Who woulda thought? Not me.
Here's what journalist Vickie Elmer had to say (Tuesday March 27):
"Those who want to feel fit, motivated and successful can check out Aussie fitness guru and author Craig Harper's chatty blog at http://www.craigharper.com.au. He muses on topics such as personal mission statements and the art of connection as well as the need occasionally to unplug and head to the beach."
It's brief but kinda cool.
Thanks for helping me grow this site you guys.
I will be posting tonight or tomorrow morning. ( )
I love hanging out with people who have amazing attitudes because sometimes a little of their amazing-ness (it's a word)..... (now).. rubs off on me. One of the coolest things about working in radio is that I get to meet and interview people who have done, and continue to do, incredible things. People who teach me, challenge my thinking and inspire me.
Recently I interviewed a man who is a legend of Australian Sport. His name is Tom Hafey, he is seventy five years young and at an age when some people are putting on their slippers, smoking their pipe, watching the ABC and dealing with the realities of 'being old'... he's training like an athlete, doing speaking gigs all over the country, running coaching clinics and having a massive, positive influence on tens of thousands of Aussies every year.
He is in amazing physical and mental condition. His physiology (from a functional perspective) is similar to that of a 'fit' forty year-old and his mind is razor sharp. He is still learning, still creating, still growing, still setting goals and still inspiring people.. because he has chosen to be exceptional.
Yes, it's a choice.
For my international visitors who don't know about Tom, he is an icon of Australian sport having been a very successful player and coach in our AFL (Australian Football League). An hour with him and you realise that we have the capacity and propensity to make things more difficult than they need to be. I love people who 'break the rules' and who change perceptions of what's normal, expected, possibly, likely. While he is unlikely (in modern society), what he does is very possible and inspirational... if only more people would choose to think, do and be like him. He has chosen to be different, chosen not to behave like a 'typical' seventy five year-old and chosen to do, be and live amazing(ly).
Love that.
Here.. take a peek at Tom's training schedule:
10 minutes stretching - daily 200 push-ups - daily Beach swim - daily (regardless of water temperature) 700 sit-ups - daily Gym - 3 to 4 days per week (heavy weights) Runs - 7 to 8 kilometres every day (4 - 5 miles)
When many athletes 'hang it up' they get fat, lazy and depressed. Tom has chosen otherwise.
Take a listen to our chat here and see if some of his attitude rubs off on you.
P.S. My co-host for this show is the very beautiful Tammy Van-Wisse (an Australian swimming legend)... she sounds much sexier than yours truly.
Many companies display what's known as their 'Mission Statement' (often somewhere near their reception area) so that anyone who walks through their doors understands what that particular organisation is all about; their values, their objectives, their corporate philosophy, their purpose... in short, who they are.
I'm always interested in mission statements because I often get to explore whether or not what's written on the piece of cardboard (plastic, timber, aluminium...etc.) at reception is actually reflective and representative of what actually happens within that organisation (as I get to work with lots of different companies... and the people who keep those corporate wheels turning).
As an aside, it is my experience that very few companies walk the talk. If they actually lived their mission statement they wouldn't need people like me to come and coach them. I think that many organisations write fluffy, politically-correct-sounding, goody-two-shoes-type, we-really-care declarations when they are establishing their company... and then five years later someone realises that professionally, culturally and practically their company's typical behaviour couldn't be further from their original intention. Sorry, I digress. (There's a shock).
So anyway, I decided to do a search on the term 'mission statement' and while I found many, many (rather lengthy) definitions, the one which made the most sense to me was simple and short:
A mission statement defines the core purpose of an organization - why it exists.
A few years ago I did some work with a man who owns a successful company (we'll call him Dave).
Heaps of cash, heaps of toys, heaps of 'trophies', great reputation in his field and apparently.... 'got it made.' Sure. A great business with lots of staff (over one hundred), growing turn-over, healthy bottom line, great brand-awareness, a strong foot-hold in the marketplace and seemingly, a bright corporate future. We were doing some work together because beyond the walls of his business, his life (physical health, relationships, mental and emotional health) was something less than successful. Disastrous perhaps.
Anyway... the first day we met I asked him lots of questions about his company. He loved that. (It's good to cover the good stuff first... blokes like that! Get them comfortable, build their confidence). He was in his element; the highly-capable, successful entrepreneur. He was answering all of my (business) questions with confidence and calmness. Facts, figures, stats.. you name it, he could reel them off.
Here's a conversation we had early in our first session (just after the 'good' stuff):
"So Dave, does your organisation have a mission statement?" "Yep." "Do you know it off by heart?" "Of course." "Can you share it with me?" "Sure."
He then proceeded to recite his company's mission statement, word for word, no stumbles and no mistakes (it was maybe 250 words). It was a very impressive and well-thought-through declaration.
"Mmm, powerful stuff... who wrote that?" "Me." "Wow, I'm impressed." "So when it comes to your 'corporate self' and what your company is all about, you seem to have it nailed... tell me about you away from work."
"What do you want to know." "Well, I'd like to know what Dave's Personal Mission Statement is?" "What do you mean?" "Well, you told me all about your company's purpose... it's reason for being, it's values and philosophy... what do you think your purpose is? Other than being a business man, who and what is Dave's mission in life? What are you here for? Why do you exist?"
All of a sudden the confident, successful, articulate business man was tongue-tied, moving uneasily in his seat and clearly uncomfortable.
"How am I meant to answer that?"
He couldn't answer me then and there but he did conclude that what defined him, his purpose, his reason for being... wasn't to make money. Sometimes finding out what our purpose is starts with identifying what it isn't.
I saw him weekly for about three months and his 'homework' for the first week was to write his own personal mission statement. His simple task (to write his mission statement) took a month! I've never seen anyone work so hard or put so much effort into writing two hundred (or so) honest, insightful, life-defining words. It was a massive personal journey for him to start questioning who he was and what he was about when we took away all his 'stuff'.
The truth is that many of us (on some level) don't know why we exist. Our purpose, what our life is all about; our mission statement. Sure we know how we exist... we eat, we sleep, we work, we breathe, we interact, we get sick, we age.. But is that it?
Periodically we get glimpses of our purpose and our potential, we have moments... we get a little a little excited about what our life could be... and then somehow we let the reality, the messy-ness and the monotony of life suck that excitement and hope out of us. Some of us feel like we're simply going through the motions for eighty years or so...and then we fall off the perch. Surviving not thriving.
Tragically, many of us let situations, circumstances, events and other people define us. We let things and people tell us who we are and what we're about.
I've seen way too many gifted, intelligent, creative people live a life of frustration, disappointment and sadness because they let circumstances and people rob them of what could be. To step out of other people's expectations and pressure takes guts... but we need to do it if we really want to establish who we are, what we're about and what this life will mean for us.
* Don't let anyone or any thing define you... who you are, your beliefs, values, goals; your life purpose. Being influenced by external forces is normal... being defined by them is tragic. Use other people for feedback, guidance, direction and support but don't let them tell you what your purpose is or who you are. Only you can (should) decide that.
I don't care if it's your psychologist, your pastor, your rabbi, your parents, your doctor or your partner, your life-coach or your guru, don't let them define you. Don't let them write your mission statement for you.
Don't let anyone tell you who or what you should be or become. Listen to them, consider their perspective, be respectful... but think, decide and do for yourself. One of the problems is that some of us constantly look to others for approval and validation... we want to become the person we're expected to be.
One of Dave's (from our story) biggest challenges was that he had parents, family and peers who expected him to do and be a certain way. Underneath the businessman confidence and bravado was a fourteen year-old who still needed approval and still wanted to please and impress those he respected and loved.
But in all of that he lost his identity.
He subsequently made many changes (internal and external) in his life and became a much happier, more balanced and more fulfilled individual... he discovered who he was and what he was about (he's still learning as we all are).
And no, he didn't sell his company, give away all his money and become a monk. But he did get a new perspective, he did shock a few people (big deal) and he did ruffle some feathers.
Ruffle away, I say.
Sometimes we need to stop, step back from the busy-ness, the repetition and the 'same-ness' of our reality and decide who we are and what our life is about.
Hi Guys... no post (as such) today but I'll be back on the job tomorrow.
A little frantic here at the Harperdome and Gecko (the kid's gym). The last few days I've been busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kicking competition... (busy!) Thought you may want to take a little peak at a TV segment I did yesterday on Network Ten talking about kids and exercise. Not incredibly exciting television but thought some of you may find the 'kid's fitness' discussion interesting and relevant....
I would also like your thoughts on a few things:
1) Measuring and weighing kids - should we (ever)?
2) Getting kids active and keeping them that way.
3) Should sport be compulsory at school and if yes, up until what year?
4) Solutions, thoughts, ideas, suggestions on the whole childhood obesity thing.
5) Are parents to blame? Part blame?
6) The role (responsibility?) of schools in this process?
Hope you're all well.
Live, Laugh, Love and Learn,
Craig.
Double click on the big 'play' button in the middle of the video below:
I remember my first 'public speaking' gig about twenty years ago. Unfortunately.
It was a massive affair(!) ...I was doing a lecture to twelve students who were completing their fitness instructor accreditation. I had to talk for one hour. I spent two weeks preparing. Every day for those two weeks I wrote notes, re-wrote notes, planned, visualised, rehearsed (in my head) and generally stressed. For the amount of time, effort and preparation I put in, I probably earned about seventy five cents per hour for the whole experience.
Oh yes... I had surely arrived as a public speaker. An orator of some note. Not. It's fair to suggest that Tony Robbins was in no immediate danger.
The big day came and I arrived at the venue (a health club) forty five minutes early (can't be too careful when it comes to traffic delays). I sat in my car and hyper-ventilated. I studied my volumes of notes. Again. I was so nervous I could actually feel the pulse in the side of my neck. I went inside and walked straight to the change rooms. I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself. I looked a little pastey. Grey, perhaps. My light blue shirt was now a nice blend of light.. and dark blue.
Yes, that's right; the world's most nervous man had sweated himself into a frenzy. I looked like I'd just run a half-marathon... in business pants, slip-on shoes and a shirt.
Attractive.
So, there I was... standing in front of the mirror, back-stroking in my own body fluids, looking at the sweat patches extending from my armpits to my hips, trying to figure out how on earth I was gonna dry my shirt, stop sweating, get my heart rate under one fifty and not freeze in front of my massive audience.
Very cool. Let's just say that my confidence wasn't at an all-time high at this point.
So I took my shirt off (I had no option) and decided to commandeer the only hand dryer (shirt dryer) in a pathetic attempt to address the sweat factor... four minutes later I'm standing half naked in a public washroom with a semi-dry shirt, looking like some kinda weirdo, vagrant... when the guy who was employing me to speak, walked in.
"Man, I've been looking for you."
Perfect.
So instantly my anxiety had two friends; humiliation and embarrassment.
After stumbling my way through some lame-ass explanation of my semi-nude state, my 'employer' hesitantly marched me up the corridor to meet my class.
He gave me some under-whelming introduction (understandably) and left the room. My stomach churned, my mouth went dry and my heart rate hit four hundred and twenty five. I turned to my vast audience and smiled. Not one person smiled back. Not one! My heart rate hit six hundred and fifteen. I felt my armpits spring into action.
For the next hour I bumbled, stumbled and sweated my way through, what will go down as, one of history's worst displays of public speaking. You probably think I'm gonna say I was crap; I actually wasn't.
I wish I was crap.
Crap would have been an improvement. In fact, following my first effort... crap was my goal.
Before the lecture one of my friends suggested that I should make the session interactive to take some pressure and attention off me being the only one speaking.... good idea.
In theory.
So after a fifteen minute sweaty monologue, I've opted for the old:
"Okay guys, any questions.... thoughts.....? "Anything!" "Please". "Someone".
Absolute donuts. They gave me.... nuthin!.
A sea of blank faces (well twelve of them anyway).
After my less-than impressive(!) debut I was packing up and everyone except one girl had left. She walked toward me and for one delusional moment, I thought she might put my mind at ease and tell me I wasn't so bad.
"You haven't done that before have you?" "No.. does it show?" "Yep." "Err, okay... anything else?" "You talk too fast."
My overall emotion was starting to move from a general sickness, to more of a full-body numbness.
"Alrighty... thanks for the feedback. See you next week." "Oh, do we have you next week too?" "Yes, you have me for the next five weeks."
"Oh."
And with those words of encouragement, she took her books and my remaining self-esteem and left.
Since that day I have done thousands of talks, worked on several continents, delivered numerous corporate presentations, University lectures, workshops, hosted hundreds of radio shows and made many TV appearances.
Amazingly.
So.... I finished my teaching commitment with my twelve students and over the course of the six weeks my speaking performance moved from... atrocious.... to crap.... to mediocre. I was so happy to be mediocre.
I changed from the light blue (how-much-can-one-man-sweat?) shirt to the black (doesn't-show-the-sweat) T-Shirt, learned to control my nerves a little, got my heart rate under three hundred and slowly began to develop my public speaking skills. To say it was an uncomfortable and confronting process would be a massive understatement.
It was nerve-wracking. And fantastic. I hated it. And loved it. I learned about people. And about me.
Tomorrow (Thursday) morning I have one of my regular TV gigs on Network Ten here in Australia. I will talk to 400,000 people live and will have way less nerves and way more fun than when I taught those twelve fitness students twenty years ago. This weekend I will do nine hours of live talkback radio on two different stations... and have a ball.
I don't tell you any of this to impress you, but rather, to impress upon you that we can all do and create amazing (whatever our amazing is) when we take chances, get uncomfortable, put our ass on the line, persevere and stop running away from fear.
I'm also not suggesting that anyone needs to become a public speaker, motivator or coach (or anything that Craig Harper does).... this story is about dealing with and overcoming the fear that destroys lives and breaks spirits.
As I've said before, a certain level of fear is healthy (smart even) but a life limited, or even controlled by fear is tragic... and too many (lives) are.
So go and find your twelve people to stand in front of... and start speaking.
Welcome to 2007; the time when more people than ever, with absolutely no medical conditions or sicknesses, are taking themselves off to the operating theatres of the world and paying rich surgeons a fortune to be sliced, diced, nipped, tucked, sucked, stretched and implanted. To be beautiful. Hot. Or more attractive, at the very least. New and improved. Popular. Noticed. A surgical path to happiness.
Perhaps we should forget the wrinkles around our eyes and get the doctor to take a look at our brain while we're on the table?
Somehow, on some level, some people (okay, many) have bought into the disturbing belief that if they have less wrinkles, less sag, more perk, less fat and skin and perhaps a different nose, they will be happier and more fulfilled. Their life will be better.
They must have (bought into it)... otherwise, why would they risk their life (all surgery is a calculated risk) and pay a fortune to do it? People who are already in debt are so desperate to be 'enhanced' that they are taking out more loans to undergo cosmetic surgery.
Somewhere along the line they (we) have been programmed to believe that:
Certain physical appearance = Attractiveness = Desirability = Happiness.
We bought into the lie. How do we un-learn this crap when we live in a society which constantly screams at us that beauty equals success? See any movie, watch any TV show, read any magazine; it's all about being gorgeous. At all costs.
Even the TV show 'Ugly Betty' is all about the unlikely situation of a less-than-glamorous girl with eyebrows like a muppet trying to survive in the beautiful, bitchy, glam world of the fashion magazine. And while many viewers identify with the character and feel for her (perhaps because they see some of themselves in Betty).... and want to give her a big old hug, I haven't spoken to anyone who actually wants to look like her. While on one level the show is seemingly all about seeing the underdog overcome adversity in a pretentious world (yay), on another level it teaches us that the ugly girl will struggle, will get the dorky ugly boyfriend and will have to work harder than the pretty girls to achieve the same outcome... and she will be ridiculed and disadvantaged because she's not pretty enough (boo). If it were true that beauty equated to success, then surely all models and Hollywood Hotties would be universally happy, fulfilled, balanced and emotionally healthy little campers; clearly this is not the situation. In fact, they would be the happiest.... because they are the most beautiful. Apparently.
One of the challenges of my job (my company facilitates over 1,500 Personal Training sessions every week) is to help people (who are going through physical changes) keep perspective... that is, not throwing all of their eggs in the 'physical' basket while simultaneously neglecting their psychological, emotional and spiritual selves. Some people are surprised that an exercise scientist (a bloke who owns a couple of gyms) would spend more time working with people on the head and heart stuff than he would, the physical.
I do this because I know that (long-term) satisfaction, happiness, fulfilment and joy never comes from the physical (it can be part of, but never the total solution). I understand that appearance (beauty) has very little to do with long-term 'success'. In fact I don't really care too much about my clients appearance... but I do care about how they feel and function; their overall health. While I do care about their cholesterol, their blood sugar, their body-fat levels, their posture, their diet and their cardio-vascular health (the physical stuff)... I care more that they understand that, while it's great to be in shape and look good... our body isn't who we are.. it's just where we live.
Sorry if I'm gettin' a little weird on you but I think that most of us agree that we are complex, multi-dimensional, psychological, emotional and spiritual beings who roam this big blue ball for eighty years or so in this physical body... and then once we die we... okay, that's another post!
So when our body becomes our identity (and it does for many people) then we're in trouble. When our confidence, our self-esteem and our emotional state (and happiness) are dependant on our weight, our wrinkle factor or some other physical variable... then we're on a path to misery, frustration and desperation... and I have seen many (attractive) people become more and more preoccupied with, and miserable about, their appearance over time than you could imagine.
If I had ten bucks for every time someone told me:
"If only I could lose.... kilos (pounds) I'll be happy."
"If only I could lose just five more, then I'd be okay."
I'd be loaded!
The problem is that they lose the weight, get the nose job, get the fat sucked... and they're really happy. For five minutes. Then they wake up one day (not long after) and realise that all of those issues... are still there. And all of a sudden they understand the futility of trying to address internal issues with an external solution.
I spent years as a young bodybuilder trying to achieve physical perfection (or as best I could with my genetics) because I had some stupid belief (on some level) that if only I looked like some kinda cartoon character; got my arms and back big enough, my waist small enough, my shoulders wide enough and my body-fat low enough... life would be great, girls would dig me, blokes would respect me... and I would be happy.
I did (get the body) and I wasn't (happy).
A big wake-up call was had by the bloke with the veins and biceps... and a life-long exploration into 'real success' and 'real beauty' began.
* Tell me your story or thoughts on the beauty issue.
So... I think I'm gonna get the bald man to develop a new little 'motivational' feature for the site.
It works like this: every time someone visits craigharper.com who hasn't actually used (done something with, take action on) something that they've learned in their last five visits to our site, they will automatically receive a low voltage shock through their keyboard... not a 240 volt life-ender... just a little 6 or 12 volt tickle of the fingers...waddya think? We all know fear's a great motivator right?
...Waddya mean, no? Aaah you guys... so predictable. Alright back to the drawing board. Perhaps a big hand that reaches out through the screen and shakes you by the.... Mmm, perhaps not. Okay, leave it with me.
One of my biggest challenges and frustrations (if not the biggest) of my work is not providing people with the appropriate information, education, inspiration, direction, advice, feedback or support.... it's actually getting them to stop thinking about it, talking about it, planning for it, fretting about it... and getting them to actually do something now.
Anything! Like right now. Getting people to consistently be pro-active (doers) is the hardest part of my job.
They're always about to do it. Never actually doing it.... but oh, so close.
When I do a corporate talk, no matter how great the presentation goes or how much positive feedback I get, I know that the majority of the people (who have all indicated during the session that they desire change in their life) won't create any lasting change because they won't use (consistently do something with) what they've learned (heard) during the presentation. And this frustrates me because I'm not about their entertainment or amusement, I'm about positive change... a better life (whatever that is for them). Yes, I want them to enjoy the 'me' experience but what I want more... is for them to stop talking about what they want in their life... and to start creating it.
I have a friend who is perpetually perusing sites such as this (he regularly reports in and gives me his rating on my latest post), always reading another life-changing book (books don't change lives; people do) and continually listening to his favourite self-help gurus in the car.
He also attends somewhere between five and ten 'change-your-life-forever' or 'become-a billionaire-by-next-Tuesday' or 'learn-how-to-become-financially-independent-by-selling-this-amazing-fat-burning-herb-from-the-Amazon'.... programs per year.
He's intelligent, talented, and educated.... and he's also fearful, lazy, rarely starts things, never finishes anything and is always 'two inches' away from some massive breakthrough. Not. If only he'd take his head out of his... new book, change his behaviour, get pro-active, plan less and do more (do anything, in fact), he'd be way closer to where he wants to be (if not already there).
But he doesn't. He talks about it. A lot. He's full of crap, lies to himself and is delusional. Am I being harsh? No, honest. He's consumed more self-help literature in the last decade than is healthy and still he finds 'reasons' (excuses) to do nothing.
Yes, I've spoken to him about this post and no, he's not offended or grumpy at me because I've told him all this in person. He knows. We all know. Deep down.
Too many of us spend too much of our life stuffing around not doing the things we know we should. We talk about what we want and how we're going to get it... we just never seem to do it. We talk oursleves into innactivity. We continue to find new and interesting reasons for not changing.
We delude ourselves that we'll do it soon.. but for some very logical reason (of course) now... is never the time. We know we're full of it, those closest to us know it... but we get pretty good at living a lie.
We avoid change because we are fearful but at the same time, we never do anything to get strong (like making those decisions, taking risks, getting uncomfortable). Ironically, it's the change process (the one we avoid)... that makes us strong. We're smart, we're informed, we've done the whole self-help thing... we even have the answers for our friends... but when it comes to us... we're perpetually treading water and spinning our wheels.
So, here's your challenge for today (or tomorrow, if it's too late tonight):
Do something in the next twelve hours that you know you should have done before now.
Make a decision, take some action, change a behaviour, make a phone call, say sorry to someone, give up a habit....do SOMETHING to create real change.
FOREVER change.
You've 'almost' done so many things, why not break the cycle now? I know it's probably not convenient, practical or easy now.... but perhaps it's necessary. Perhaps it will change your life.
Perhaps you will change your life.
Tony Robbins, Steven Covey, Dale Carnegie, Napoleon Hill, Craig Harper or any 'Coach' will not change your life because 'all' they (we) do is provide information and inspiration (a good thing... but of itself, not enough). It always comes down to doing (not knowing). It always comes down to you.
Know that staying in the same situation, or moving towards amazing is a choice and right now you can choose different. Or the same. You can get up tomorrow with the same mindset, the same thinking and the same behaviours, making the same excuses (no, they're not reasons) and do what you've always done or... you can think, do and be... different.
As I've said before; if nothing changes, nothing changes. Tomorrow you can do what you've always done... and nobody will really take any notice... or you can be different. You can create momentum right now. If you choose.
Yes, the journey between where you are and where you want to be might not always be easy but the journey is where we develop the skills, strength and attitude to succeed and the rewards are incredible...
And if it's 'easy' you're after... then you best change your goal from amazing to average.
If it was easy to create amazing, everybody would do it. It isn't... and they don't.
While I consider myself to be the ultimate motorbike-riding, gym-owning, shaved head, big-bicepped (made that word up) Alpha Male Warrior, I have, on several occasions (okay, many) been known to experience.... fear (please keep this between us as I wouldn't want the girls to find out and possibly think I'm weak... or worse, human).
And while I'm getting things off my chest, I've got a few other confessions:
I've been wr..wr..wr... wrong (there, I said it)... on numerous occasions. Hard to believe, I know.
I've cried... and not because a bug flew in my eye or I was cutting onions (I know you're losing respect for me by the minute).
I've expressed my emotions to another human being (crazy I know).
I've had a conversation with another male about relationships and feelings (surprisingly, neither of us spontaneously combusted).
Anyway, I thought I'd drop you all a line because it has come to my attention that there exists wide-spread confusion about (1) the role of the male of the species and (2) acceptable and expected behaviour of the male... and who better to clarify such issues for all mankind than the ex-fat kid who cries through chick flicks.
Unlike the DVD player or the microwave oven, it seems that we blokes come with neither an instruction manual, or any form of warranty. Sure, there have been a few 'how-to' guides for men... but take a look around, they're clearly not having the desired impact; maybe only the girls are reading them!
And not unlike other 'household appliances', we have so many 'features' and capabilities that we never even test drive... or know how to use (the sympathy, the apology and the humility capabilities, just to name a few). Most of us are kind of like those mobile (cell) phones with two thousand features... but all we do is make and receive calls... 'cause we have absolutely no clues how to use the thing properly!
My extensive(!) research tells me that some of the younger males of the species have been receiving mixed messages and lessons from the elder males of the tribe who are often confused, uneducated, emotionally dysfunctional, sick puppies themselves. And with role models and mentors such as these, what hope is there for our future Alpha Males to be well-balanced, emotionally healthy, loving, caring men? Assets to society?
When Junior 'learns' from his father that it's okay to scream at mum(mom) he receives a (bad) lesson in human behaviour, relationships and being a husband. And when he gets taught that same lesson over and over for years it makes sense that eventually he embraces dear old dad's mentality and communication style... and so the dysfunction, the destruction and the pain continue.
While I'm still a work in progress, it has been my pleasure to consult with thousands of blokes over the years working through all kinds of issues ranging from lowering body-fat, to learning to deal with criticism, to learning to become a more effective communicator, to learning to cope with and overcome all types of fears.
There's not a bloke on the planet who doesn't experience fear... but for some strange reason we men seem compelled to regularly demonstrate how fearless we are. I've even heard men brag how they are.... afraid of nothing.
"Mate, nothing scares me."
Always remember this wise old proverb:
"Show me someone who has no fear.. and I'll show you an idiot." (C.Harper, 2007)
Well... all 'wise old proverbs'.... have to be new proverbs at some stage.
No, we don't want to be controlled by fear but there are times when fear is 'normal' (even sensible) and it's okay to acknowledge that fear... and no, that acknowledgement does not put our manliness into question. Clearly some men confuse stupidity with bravery or toughness.
Just watch Jackass Two.
And now we have young men all across the world demonstrating how effectively they can mimic their Jackass heroes by putting themselves through massive physical pain and mutilating themselves in front of their buddies... to be just like their famous role models.
So clever. And fearless. We are a society which teaches and condones stupidity.
"Hey don't ask me about my anger issues or my fears or insecurities... but watch me put this massive fishing hook through my cheek and watch me shoot this rocket out of my ass."
If only I wasn't telling the truth, it would be amusing. Sadly, it is true and it is tragic.
Okay, so we're not going to 'fix' this issue with one small article (post) but I thought we could start with somesimple guidelines of acceptable and unacceptable 'bloke behaviour'.
Here we go:
1.Crying - good, healthy even. If you're crying all day, every day; not good.
2.Punching people who disagree with you - not good (as a rule).
3. Being scared occasionally - normal, healthy.
4. Abusing people in traffic (although not only a male behaviour) - not good.. and not surprisingly, achieves nothing but stress.
5. Threatening people - stupid, immature, unnecessary... actually a sign of weakness.
6. Admitting you don't know something - very good. While a rarity in testosterone land, it actually shows a sign of confidence, maturity and good self esteem. Give it a go... it's liberating.
7. A compulsion to show people how physically strong, athletic, co-ordinated and tough you are - pathetic and embarrassing.
8. Admitting you are wrong - good. Don't rationalise it, justify it or explain it... just go the humility route and say "I am wrong, sorry." End of story. Simple, but rare. When we admit that we are wrong but then endeavour to justify it... we ruin the moment.
9. Holding a conversation about something other than sport - good. If you can actually incorporate some dialogue about your feelings and emotions, even better. If the conversation lasts for more than three minutes and you are completely honest; bonus points.
10. Reading the paper while your partner pours out her heart to you - not good. Stupid, in fact. Potentially dangerous.
11. Man hugging. Good. Healthy to a point. Personally not a fan of excessive whisker on whisker contact.... but overall it shows a certain level of emotional maturity. Many blokes will run into a burning building to save their buddy but never tell the same buddy how they feel about him or demonstrate any affection. "Don't be stupid Craig, he just knows."
12. Farting - good. Healthy. Hilarious. Doesn't matter how old you are; farts are always funny. (Didn't expect that did you girls... and by the way, why are you reading this; it's for us blokes!)
If you have any additional suggestions that you feel might be of some benefit to us blokes of the species.... drop us a line and let us know where you're from (you know the drill).
P.S. Stay tuned girls... I may write a letter to you next. Or not. (I'm scared now).
I was twenty-six, young, dumb and full of... enthusiasm and hope. My first employee was a young trainer named Matt. He was nineteen, good looking, built like superman and had the personality and the charisma to match.
He was cheeky and very lovable. He was like the younger brother I never had (I'm an only child). I took him under my wing and mentored him and in return, he became a great trainer, ate all my food and made me laugh. Between the two of us we had no business skills, no admin or management skills and overall... no real clues about running or growing a company. Lots of enthusiasm and hope, not much else. It was enough.
We bluffed and fluffed our way through our first year in business and Matty and I spent the best part of twelve hours per day together; we trained together, ate breakfast and lunch together, spoke about the meaning of life and all of the relative variables, discussed the many complexities and attractions of the female of the species and got to know and understand each other well. We even went to the States together for a training/working holiday... essentially, an excuse to visit lots of gyms, have fun and chase girls. I think we called it a research trip.
It would be fair to say that I loved him and cared for him like a brother.
We had amazing times together and I loved it that he never had 'bad' days. He was never grumpy, rude or unpleasant to be around. He had boundless energy and it was always a joy to be with. The girls loved him and the guys wanted to be him.
You may have gathered by my use of the past tense, that Matty is no longer with us.
One day I was at work and the phone rang. On the other end was a client of mine who is an intensive care nurse. She was crying so much that I could hardly understand what she was saying. My heart sank and I felt instantly sick when I realised that she was telling me that Matty had been in an accident and that he was on life support in the intensive care unit in which she worked.
I remember that day well; I had a million things on, appointments all over the place and no free time. I was immersed in my 'very important' schedule doing my very important things. Doing all the things that mattered. I thought.
One short phone call made me realise how un-important my to-do list was.
Instantly I had all the time I needed because my little brother was dying in hospital. No time issues, no motivation issues, no hurdles. Nothing or no-one would stop me from going to be with him.
Suddenly all that really mattered was my friend. My very important day and all of my worries, challenges and responsibilities seemed like insignificant, meaningless crap (in the perspective of that moment and that day).
Isn't it weird how we humans often wait for sickness, tragedy or even death before we begin to get some real perspective on what really matters? In my experience, people are never more real or uninhibited than when they, or a loved one, is seriously ill or near death. Isn't it a shame that we (some of us) wait until moments such as those before we really discover what matters or tell our loved ones how much they matter to us. Absolute honesty and open-ness.
A few years ago a friend of my died from a neuro-muscular disease. I visited him in hospital about six hours before he passed away. He was emaciated and could barely speak but I could talk to him... and I did. It was weird but I had this absolute clarity and certainty about what needed to be said (and not said). What do you say to a person that you love who is living his last day? You say what matters. You don't talk about bank balances, investment portfolios or fashion.
What's crazy is that we let 'stuff' (pride, laziness, apathy, stubbornness, insecurity, fear, embarrassment) get in the way of what really matters; friends, family, loved ones - relationships. We let our own issues stop us from telling those we love how we feel and what really matters.
We say that our loved ones are the most important thing in our life... but look how we (sometimes) treat those we love:
We resent them. We blame them. We stay angry at them for years. We refuse to apologise or forgive... we'll wait for ten years until they say sorry; after all, they started it. We feel sorry for ourselves. We run them down. We assassinate their character. We find fault in them but never ourselves.
People matter the most. Not money, not assets, not things... not stuff. Friends, family, relationships.
But how often do we damage relationships because we think (or at least behave like) other things matter more?
The truth is that we neglect and even destroy important relationships and we hurt people we love because of our pride, our stubbornness, our selfishness and our need to be right. We tell ourselves we're right, when we're actually wrong and we hold onto emotional crap for years... we hurt others, we paralyse ourselves emotionally, we kill relationships, we make ourselves sick and in all of it, there are no positives to be found!
We rationalise and justify our stubbornness to make ourselves feel better about what we do. We don't want to acknowledge that it's us... but it is.
After all, it can't always be the other person... can it?
Last week I got an email from a girl in the U.S. (she was the catalyst for this post). She had read one of my posts and told me that upon reading it she realised that the person she was hurting the most with her resentment, anger and bitterness towards her mother, was herself. And even though she had 'a reason' (not a very good one!) to be angry with her mum (mom)...after nine years(!) she had decided to forgive her and offer love.
After no contact for nine years she made a thirty minute phone call and changed her life (and her mum's life) for ever.
I have printed the following with her permission.
"Craig, I realised what a fool I've been and how I have wasted years being angry at my mom for no real reason. Last night we met and had dinner for the first time in nearly a decade and I have never been happier in my life. I believed that I needed therapists and doctors, when I all I really needed was to forgive my mom and let her love me. We spoke for seven hours, hugged, cried and I got home at three o'clock this morning. To me, family matters more than anything and I had let my anger, my arrogance and my numerous issues and insecurities cloud my judgment and my reasoning. I was so resentful I was making myself sick, making my life a misery and hurting my family."
Wow! How's that for some new-found self-awareness? Go Girl!!!
Perhaps sometimes we've just gotta say... what matters is not how much money I earn or how much power I wield... what really matters is the health of the relationships I have with the people I love... and I'm going to invest the time, energy and heart into those people.. because they're worth it, they're important and they matter the most.
Matty survived (in a coma) for about a week and in that time I saw him every day, talked to him, hugged him and wondered about what could have been. When I hugged and kissed him goodbye for the last time (before they turned off his life-support) I cried like a baby, realised that I had wasted too much of my life investing energy into things that really didn't matter and neglecting things that did.
Like the people I love.
I know that this is a reflective and deep post and I know it doesn't fit into the typical Velvet sledgehammer, get-yer-crap-together mould.... but it is my belief that too many of us waste too much energy on things that don't really matter.
So... what (who) really matters to you... and what are you doing about it?
A story to begin. Two monks were washing their bowls in the river when they noticed a scorpion that was drowning. One monk immediately scooped it up in his hand and set it upon the bank. In the process he was stung. He went back to washing his bowl and again the scorpion fell in. The monk saved the scorpion once again and was again stung. The other monk asked him, "Friend, why do you continue to save the scorpion when you know it's nature is to sting?" "Because," the monk replied, "to save it is my nature."
It would seem that the monk had clarity and certainty about who he was. His true self. But then again... maybe he only had certainty about his nature.
Which begs the question, ishe his nature... or is his nature merely part of him? Does it define him... or is it simply a guiding force? And if it is a guiding force... is it an emotional, spiritual or psychological guide?
My brain hurts already and I've only just started typing!
I don't know how far I'll get with this philosophical exploration in a thousand words (or so) but being the adventurer that I am, I thought I'd give it a bash. After all, how hard can it be?
So, today I went against my 'no research' policy and googled the term true self... I got 143,000,000 matches. Clearly, there's no definitive answer or consensus on the subject. It seems that the religious folk, the academic folk, the personal development folk and the philosophers don't agree on too much.
I didn't do it... but I reckon that if I interviewed ten 'experts' and asked them the one question (what is true self)... I'd get ten very different answers. Good thing I'm here to end the debate and clear up the confusion on this topic for mankind, once and for all(!).
My humble little gift to humanity.
When I write for the site, I typically do no research. Zero. Nada. Sorry... hope you don't feel ripped off. As a rule, I sit at my computer and write from the head and heart.... and from my experiences and observations.
Having got 143,000,000 matches for true self, I quickly realised why I keep the research to a minimum.... I guess all we really get when we research a subject like this is someone else's ideas, thoughts, philosophies and beliefs anyway; not necessarily a bad thing... but when someone else tells us who our true self is, or should be (a ridiculous notion all by itself) then we run the risk of being 'their concept' oftrue self and in the process we deny ourselves the opportunity to really discover who we are, what we're all about and why we are... the way we are (if you get me, well done... that makes two of you).
Lately I have heard the terms "being true to yourself" and "discovering your true self" used with increasing frequency in conversation and the other day someone asked me if I thought that they were being true to themselves with a situation that they were dealing with in their life. I was kinda confused and blurted out some lame-ass, not-very-helpful answer and walked away with the concept of 'true self' running through my mind.
It's not really a term I use... and I hadn't explored it.
How do we discover our true self, I wondered. What does the term mean? Do we really need to worry about it... or is this just one more piece of unnecessary personal development fluff to distract me from just living, laughing, learning and loving? Maybe I already am being my true self... but if not, does that mean I'm being my fake self? Maybe I'm already too introspective, reflective and analytical? Maybe I need to forget about me and focus on other people's needs for a while? Maybe the way to personal empowerment and finding our true self is actually to empower, help and serve others. Perhaps I need to read less self-help stuff, do less workshops, have less therapy and just get out and start doing.
On one hand, I do 'get' people who say that they feel like they are living a lie by being in a job, relationship or a situation that doesn't stimulate them, challenge them, make them happy or fulfill them... but I also think it's important to acknowledge that being our true self is not necessarily about the situations and circumstances we find ourselves in, but rather how we behave and conduct ourselves in those situations and circumstances. How we choose to live; the decisions we make, the conversations we have, the actions we take, the type of relationships we develop and the realities we create... no matter where we find ourselves.
Perhaps being true to ourselves is all about the internal stuff; the head and heart stuff. Yep, that's what I'm thinkin'.
I've been in situations in my life where I've been involved in things (relationships, businesses, projects and various wacky situations) that just didn't 'feel' right. Without spending another thousand words exploring the reasons why (and boring you), I just knew that it wasn't the right fit for me. Perhaps when we're not being true to ourselves we just know. I believe I know. And I also know when I'm compromising and being a hypocrite. I know because I've done it all and I know how it feels to do the right thing (for me) and how it feels to compromise.
For me the true self thing comes down to two simple questions:
1) What are my values (what are the things which are most important to me)?
2) Do I live a life which is consistent with (and reflective of) those values?
I figure if I can answer question one honestly.... and say yes to question two, I'm doing okay.
But hey, that's just my take on it and I'm just a simple ex-bodybuilder trying to figure it all out... so what would I know?
Let me know your thoughts on true self and tell us where you're from.
* I wrote this post last night (Saturday) but only got to publish it on my site just now.
I love my life and most of what happens in it.
And while being involved in numerous projects, businesses and endeavours is, for the most part, fun and rewarding, it also takes it's toll on my energy, my creative output and my ability to deal effectively with the abundance of 'stuff' in my world.
Being the periodically stubborn, stupid, rest-is-over-rated, Alpha Male that I am, I can have a propensity to keep going until I fall down; not a great long-term strategy... for anything. (Mmm... exhaustion perhaps). I sometimes delude myself that I'm super-human... but incredibly, it seems I'm not.
Apparently, I need sleep and rest like normal people. Who would've thought?
Johnnie and I filmed a video post yesterday afternoon and the man who never scripts anything and who rarely stumbles with his words (me) sounded like he'd had forty five beers and began learning English two weeks ago.
I chatted with the bald man about an hour ago on the phone and asked him if he had reviewed the recorded post from yesterday... and the conversation went like this:
"Did you take a look at what we shot yesterday?" "Yep." "Did it come up okay?" "Nup." "Really?" "Yep." "And?" "You sound exhausted, you mumbled three times, your eyes are blood shot and you look like crap."
Sometimes I get so immersed into what I'm doing that I forget that I need to switch my brain off for a day or two and recharge my batteries. Sometimes I do so much, for so long, that eventually my output starts to decrease and so does the quality of that output. I do this now and then. And I end up doing sixteen things badly.... rather than a few things well.
Sound familiar? Or is it just me?
Sometimes I forget what it's like to be alone, in silence, with no phone, no knocks on the door, no TV, no noise, no stress, no busy-ness and no people. My gym is open sixteen hours a day and while it's a great environment with great people, it's also mayhem at times... and incredibly draining.
Sometimes we need space. And time alone. And distance from our daily grind (perspective). And sleep and rest. And more time alone. And sometimes we need to put everything on hold for a minute (or a day or a week). And to step out of the busy-ness of our existence and into the serenity and tranquility of no timetable, no schedule, no pressure, no to-do list and no alarm clock.
For a while.
Imagine that; getting out of bed with nothing (in particular) to do. Sometimes no plan is the best plan. Sometimes 'nothing' is exactly what our body and mind need.
Too many high-achievers think (on some level) that they can function at a hundred miles an hour twenty-four-seven. Indefinitely. They think that (somehow) they're different.
"The laws of science and medicine don't apply to me." "I don't need sleep... I've trained my mind and body to survive on eight minutes of REM sleep per day.... I've done a workshop on it."
The last two months of my life have been crazy. Crazier than usual. And while I'm being completely honest... there's a slim(!) chance that I've over-done it lately. No! The last three days I've had headaches (I never get headaches), red eyes and my brain won't get out of second gear.
Clearly my body is smarter than me. It's telling me to take some time off and to give sleep a try.
Here's a brief snapshot of my life at the moment.
*I don't share the following to impress anyone (not that it's impressive anyway) but rather to share with you the reality and normality of my life. I get lots of emails asking me about my daily existence and what I do (specifically) when I'm not working on craigharper.com.... well this will give you an idea.
As most of you know, Sam (my business partner in the kid's gym) and I opened our new centre six weeks ago and the response has astounded even me. We have been inundated with kids, grateful parents, schools... and even business people who want to buy a 'Gecko' franchise. We have had newspaper, radio and television coverage because the concept is a new and unique business in this area... and our biggest challenge is not getting kids through the door but managing the level of interest and business we've generated; a good problem to have. We are very busy at the moment refining the business model, employing staff, developing our range of services and trying to figure out the most effective way to grow this company. Sam is fantastic and the kids (and mums) love him.
Harper's (my 'grown-ups' gym) is busy all day, every day; probably the busiest in Australia. 1500 plus personal training sessions per week, fifty(ish) trainers, two new staff this week and new people walking through the door daily.... all good (but demanding and non-stop).
Radio is going great at the moment, today I did my three hour show (health,fitness, lifestyle talk, interviews and talkback), tomorrow I host a five hour sports show (12-5pm) and I am doing regular work on two other stations... each hour of radio I do requires somewhere around two hours of organisation, preparation and planning... again, fun but lots of work.
TV is cool and challenging. I host a weekly 'Lifestyle' show on Channel 31 here in Melbourne and I appear regularly on Channel Ten (national) as the fitness editor for the 9AM show. It's a steep learning curve and I definitely still have much to learn. They haven't thrown me off yet... so I guess that's a positive!
Writing is what I love to do and I do lots of it. Apart from writing for this site, I also write every issue for a couple of national magazines (one sport, one fitness) as well as contributing periodically to several others and have written a few books. The last two months have taught me the importance of not writing for the sake of 'churning out' another article or post. Several times I have sat down to my computer at eleven o'clock after working a fifteen hour day and come up with donuts. I will do my best to add quality content to the site most days but I will not write just for the sake of it.
Speaking: At the moment I do somewhere between two and three (mostly corporate) talks per week and have a ball. Being the shy little wall-flower that I am, I enjoy getting in front of groups and offending, challenging, motivating and educating the masses whenever I can... I also do fitness industry gigs speaking to trainers and talking at health clubs to the members. My speaking is managed by one of the best speaking agencies in Australia (ICMI), so they do all the hard stuff and I just need to turn up and do my thing. Nice.
Mentoring and coaching. Although I don't have as much time these days to do one on one coaching and mentoring, I still do somewhere around five sessions per week; these are done in person or over the phone and are really rewarding and productive... some of my sessions are even with overseas clients; the world really is a small place!
Training. I do my best to train myself about an hour a day doing either weights or cardio or both. I don't always get there but most days I do okay. I should stretch more but I don't; I have the flexibility of a ceramic tile.
So I guess it's no wonder I'm tired and no wonder my body is telling me to kick back, relax, have some sleep and put the to-do list away for a day or two.
Amazingly, this time I'm gonna listen.
Tonight is Saturday night. It is 6.32 as I write this sentence and I have three invitations to various functions or social gatherings tonight. I made a decision an hour ago to attend none of them and to speak to no-one.
I'm home alone and I'm diggin' it.
I thought I'd hang out with me tonight.
Here's my plan for the evening:
1. Walk to the beach, feel the sand between my toes for a while and then sit, look at the water, ponder nothing in particular and see what happens.... or doesn't happen. 2. Walk home and eat something healthy (or not); possibly involving cheesecake. 3. Read. 4. Sleep. 5. Wake up with no alarm (hopefully I don't sleep through my radio show). 6. Walk to the bathroom, look in the mirror and hopefully the red eyes will be gone and I'll look (and feel) better than I do right now.
Sometimes our body finds a way to slap us in the side of the head and get our attention. Today was such a day for me.
I'm gonna pay more attention.
Right, I'm off to the beach. See ya.
P.S. Don't forget to listen to your body; it's smart.
Lately I've spoken to a few people who have amazed me with the skill they have to consistently avoid personal responsibility of any kind. They possess an incredible ability to ignore what is glaringly obvious to the rest of the world; that they are lazy, deluded, irresponsible, excuse-making procrastinators and that they are living in denial... and no, not the Egyptian one.
It's like they live in some kind of parallel universe where facts and reality don't really seem to matter; everyone 'gets it'... except them.
They actually start to believe their own stories; nothing is their fault, nothing is their responsibility and everyone and everything is to blame for their crappy, unfair, un-inspired existence.
They are victims. Of their own delusional world. They deny their way into inactivity, misery, mediocrity and frustration.
Rather than creating their best life, they embrace the lotto mentality. They sit on the edge of their couch every Saturday night hoping that their numbers will come up. Not surprisingly, they never do.
"Oh well, there's always next Saturday... it's my only hope."
And when you talk to them about their situation (life, finances, relationships, health, career, education) they've always got two hundred gut-wrenching stories of how people, the universe and occasionally even... Godhas conspired against them.
Obviously God is bored and has a bunch of spare time on his hands.
Life seems to 'happen' to them. So not fair. Rather than creating their own amazing life... they tolerate and survive their self-inflicted miserable one.
Invariably the 'universe' has dealt them crappy cards and they just have to soldier on bravely... toughing out the enormous adversity the world (and everyone in it) has created for them. While some people are incredibly 'lucky', these guys convince themselves that they have simply drawn the short straw and that all of their problems are the result of their situation, circumstances and environment.
And of course... other people.
They do their best to convince themselves that it's all about time... or money....or bad luck....or genetics... or discrimination.... or their boss... or the government..... or limited opportunities or some other social injustice.
It's simply not fair.
They want it to be about time or opportunities or genetics or other people because then .... they're off the hook! Because if it's about any of those things ... then it ain't about them!! (there's some psychology for you). And that's exactly what they want... a cop out, an excuse... a (legitimate sounding) reason to fail; someone or something to blame.
Here's a conversation I've had a thousand times:
"But Craig, it's a time thing." "Err... yeh but surely you get to choose what you do with your time?"
"Yeh, but if it was up to me I'd be at the gym six days per week." "It is up to you." "What?"
"Well clearly you decide where you will invest your time and energy." "So you being out of shape and unhealthy is actually a decision that you've made."
"Why would I decide to be fat; I hate being fat?" "You don't hate it... enough."
"You decide not to exercise, decide not to live a healthy lifestyle, decide to eat high calorie, high fat, high sugar processed garbage and decide to drink alcohol (a lot)... therefore (consciously or not) you decide to be fat and unhealthy."
"You're being harsh and unfair." "I'm being honest; you're in denial." "You don't understand my situation." "It's not about your situation, it's about your head."
"It's about your thinking; it sucks."
"Being fat and unhealthy is all about you... and until you get your head around that reality... you'll never create forever change." "You are more motivated by being comfortable (via sitting on your ass and eating crap sixteen hours a day) than you are by the notion of getting in shape."
Okay, now I know some of you are thinking "does he really talk to people like that?" Yes I do. Not on an hourly basis, but when it's appropriate.
Now here's my question for you:
What has the greater potential for long-term harm... being blunt and honest with someone for two minutes or letting them continue on with their destructive behaviours and attitudes when you know you can help them?
I always say to my clients "I can tell you what you want to hear...or I can tell you the truth"; they're rarely the same.
Creating our best life is not about beating ourselves up (about our flaws) or indulging in self-pity, it's about being honest and taking total responsibility for the reality of our entire life (health, fitness, relationships, career, spirituality, finances). It's about positively, systematically and un-emotionally (not always easy) dealing with our issues, acknowledging what and how we need to change, and accepting and understanding that we determine what our life story will be.
Yes there will be hurdles, obstacles, challenges and even tragedies but even those.... are not reasons to compromise what we could and should be.
Well, if today was the day that you came to craigharper.com looking for some ground-breaking, paradigm-shifting, mind-altering, hard-hitting, life-changing philosophy and insight.... you better look elsewhere.
If it's a slap in the back of the head, a whack with the Velvet Hammer or a kick in the pants you're after, then sadly, (today) I'm not your guy.
Tomorrow possibly, today... nuh.
What started out as an attempt at some form of personal development and educational video-post... seemed to take a left turn before we (the bald man and I) had even started our very cheap camera rolling.
Clearly Johnnie's fault, not mine. As if it would be me.
After being reviewed by one of my staff who found it to contain absolutely nothing of any self-help value whatsoever... we decided to post the video anyway. If anything, it might teach us that, not only is it okay to laugh when we're at work... it's actually beneficial and kinda worthwhile to have a laugh at ourselves. Sometimes laughing gets us in that place (emotionally and psychologically) where we start to produce our best... happy people are more creative, more fun to be around, more productive, more attractive and even healthier (yes it's true... happy people are generally healthier).
Perhaps we should take off our grown-up hats more often.... and make fun one of our key goals. There's a thought.
Sometimes us Personal Development types take ourselves a little too seriously.... occasionally it's not about action plans, to-do lists, ticking boxes or working through our numerous issues, sometimes it's just about laughing yer guts out and having fun for no apparent (or sensible) reason. Unplanned laughter; give it a go. Spontaneous fun. Try it in an inappropriate setting.
An elevator perhaps.
It's a pity we stop doing that (having fun) as we get older... we get too important and mature to be silly. As someone much smarter than me once said:
"We don't stop playing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop playing"
Periodically us high-achievers(?) are so busy becoming successful that we actually forget to enjoy life. Fun, laughter and play seem to make way for the very serious and sombre business of self-improvement.
Note: Fun is a crucial component of any successful life (irrespective of your other goals).
Some people that I meet seem to have had their sense of humour surgically removed when they became adults. "I'm too busy to laugh or have fun right now; I'll do it when I'm rich."
Sad.
When was the last time you genuinely laughed until you thought you might die from oxygen deprivation?.... that's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
Red face, gasping for air, veins sticking out, tears... possibly snot?
Anyway... nuff chat.
Enjoy.
Double click the big 'Play' button on the video, leave us your comments and let us know where you're from.
It seems to me that there is always a certain percentage of the population who, for some strange reason, seem curiously desperate to fail and extremely determined to find a way and a reason to do it; I'm sure you know at least one or two. In fact, it's like they revel in their misery; they love to talk about how terrible and unjust the world and everyone in it has been to them. They are contradictions because on one hand, they complain about their reality, but on the other, they seem to be right at home on planet Blaaah.
They never have anything to look forward to and never have anything to be happy about, or grateful for.
"Hey Tom, How's it going?" "(moan).... don't ask."
"How was yer weekend?" "You don't wanna know."
"How's work?" "It pays the bills.... sometimes."
These people are easy to identify because they are usually stooped and have a bad lower-back from carrying the world on their shoulders, they will often have a chafed bottom lip (the sulkers lip regularly drags on the ground) and typically will have an incredibly annoying, glass-half-empty, life's-not-fair, everybody-owes-me... disposition and attitude.
A lotta fun to be around. Great at social functions.
And being the equal opportunity educator and coach that I am, I thought I'd help those who are desperate to make their life a misery... and possibly even help them fast-track the process.
Hey, if you're desperate for a life of "why does this always happen to me", then I'm here to help you create it.
Mediocrity 101 with Craig.
Alright...... now, you might need to read this post a few times because you can't become a completely negative, resentful, bitter, twisted, pessimistic little package in just one reading; it may take a few times and some practice... so don't put yourself under too much pressure. And if, per chance you sense a little glimmer of hope, positivity or optimism trying to worm its way into your psyche, ignore it; it will pass.... and just focus on one of those numerous horrible people who have ruined your life.
Okay, here we go; my seventeen anti-personal development gems just for you:
1. Blame someone else - No matter what the situation or circumstance, never accept responsibility for your actions (or lack of them)... and don't forget the three D's; deny, deny, deny. If you want to be a genuine pain in the arse (ass), it's crucial that you master the arts of blame and denial. If you struggle with this concept, find an Australian politician and study him for a week... that'll help.
2. Be intolerant - If they're not like you... they should be.
3. Complain a lot - If you're in pain, everyone else should be too; your complaining should accomplish that. Focus especially on things you can't change. Invest most of your emotional energy into situations and circumstances beyond your control.
Frustration is your friend; it will take your complaining to a new level.
4. Take no chances or risks - The world is scary enough without you unnecessarily increasing the risk factor. If possible, don't leave the house much.
5. Trust no-one - Neurosis is an important quality for the highly (in)effective... work on it and understand that everyone is out to get you.
6. Don't be overly ambitious - You're only setting yourself up for the inevitable disappointment.. after all, you're not that talented and you need to be realistic. Remember the last time you got a little cocky... it ended in tears didn't it? Don't make the same mistake.
7. Take shortcuts - If stupidly, you do decide to try and achieve something, then shortcuts are crucial.... if it's weight loss you're after (for example) then try some of those fabulous, very reasonably priced and incredibly effective weight-loss products that flood the market.
The mega-hyper-fat-blaster 9000 is my personal favourite.
8. Get angry - That's right, unload on people regularly. They obviously don't listen unless you're screaming.. so throw yourself into a tirade for no apparent reason I say. It won't really fix anything but just seeing the fear and the confusion in their eyes is a buzz and all the yelling provides you with some temporary sense of relief.
9. Procrastinate - Always remember the procrastinators mantra:
"Why do today, what you can put off until tomorrow?"
10. Lie - To yourself and others. Delusion is the refuge of the mediocre. Exaggeration, embellishment, deception; all great tools to have in the liars bag.... use them often.
11. Insult - For those times when you're feeling a bit low or perhaps cornered in a no-win conversation.... that's the time to pull out the big gun; the insult. The nastier and the more personal, the better. Whenever possible, incorporate some reference to a physical feature.
12. Hate - Those goodie-two-shoes-types simply don't understand what an effective motivator hate can be.
13. Be selfish - Always prioritise numero uno; it's all about you champ.
14. Don't listen to anyone - You know and I know that most people don't understand what you're going though. They clearly don't know as much as you and are generally not worth listening to.
15. Self Pity - Nobody else is gonna feel sorry for you, so you may as well. They don't care. They don't understand you, your life, your needs or situation.. .and besides, they all have an agenda. You've gone through more than anyone else on the planet so you have a right to a little sympathy... even if it is from you.
16. Be arrogant - Nobody knows or 'gets it' like you do. They think they know.. but they don't. Whenever possible force your opinion on people... they don't know it, but it's for their own good. In a way, you're actually helping them.
17. Laziness - We've all heard the expression: "hard work never killed anyone"... possibly one of the biggest myths perpetuated by those stupid positive thinkers. The truth is people die every day from hard work, just take a look at the stats on stress-related illness. If you want to live a long, healthy life.. get your arse on the couch, throw in your job and enjoy the journey.
Well there you have it; the seventeen habits that can help you create the completely crap existence you've always desired. I know what you're thinking...(how can I thank you enough Craig) but no, you don't owe me anything.. just go out there and be the biggest failure you can be and I'll be proud. Let this little self-help guide be my present to you as you continue on your path of ruining your life and driving the rest of us nuts.
Print it out, put it on the fridge, commit the habits to memory and get out there and live the under-achievers dream.
* Okay, so the video-post experiment seems to have worked. The bald man (Steven Spielberg) and I will do our best to produce something mildy amusing, entertaining and educational once a week at least.... but for now, you'll just have to put up with this old-fashioned, lame-ass typed post.
So 2006.
Have you ever noticed how some people have an amazing ability to connect with people? Any person, any situation; they have a gift to be able to develop rapport almost instantly and effortlessly.
People are attracted to them. They make people feel good. They are interested in people. They ask the right questions. They listen more than they talk. They make eye contact and smile. They are fun. They are genuine. They are often cheeky and charismatic.
For some people the connection thing is an in-built gift and for others it is a skill which has to be developed and fine-tuned over time. Both groups understand what a massive advantage it is in all relationships to be able to connect with people.
Try and find a successful person who doesn't know how to connect with people... you'll be looking for a long time. I'm always amazed at the amount of people (in both personal and professional situations) who (1) don't understand the importance of connection and (2) don't work at developing it.
Some people don't 'get' that using the same communication style day in, day out for every person, every conversation and every situation is ...dumb (and completely ineffective) yet that's what many people do. Forever. And then they wonder why they constantly have people problems.
What will engage one person... will dis-engage another. What might inspire and motivate you... will intimidate someone else. One person's joke will be another person's insult.
People who get the connection thing read people and situations and then communicate accordingly... (keeping in mind that 93% of communication is non-verbal). Every day when I'm dealing with people (in a wide range of situations and settings) I ask myself this question:
"What is the most effective way to communicate with (connect with) this person in order to create the best outcome?"
I spend my life reading, accommodating and working around egos, attitudes, personalities and self esteems.... If I didn't know how to connect with a broad cross-section of people, I would have no business. In the early days of my professional evolution (when I had no business knowledge, experience or skills) I had to rely on my ability to create rapport and build relationships.
It's the only thing that enabled me get to the next level.
Without doubt, the ability to connect with people is one of the key success skills... and it's importance is regularly over-looked in business.
In fact, I'm amazed at how many bosses and business owners spend so much time, money and energy focusing on business models, marketing strategies and five year plans.. but zero time developing a great work culture or amazing relationships with their staff ... they train their team in every facet of the business except the important one; connecting with the people who walk through the door or pick up the phone (and I'm not talking about 'sales' training; I'm talking about being able to develop rapport with people).
Sometimes the greatest (and simplest) business strategy is employing friendly staff, people who consistently and effectively find a way to connect.
Today I employed a new Trainer, his name is Sam (that makes two). He is knowledgeable, has a degree in Exercise Science, is good looking, is an elite athlete, has good training skills..... but what actually got him the job was none of that. It was his communication skills, his ability to connect.
Give me a Trainer with a PhD who can't communicate or connect and you'll give me a dud. I don't want him (or her). On the other hand, give me the charismatic, funny, engaging Trainer with no experience, basic qualifications, great communication skills and an understanding of the art of connection and I have a potential asset for my company.
One of my Trainers is a kick-boxer named Christian. He's hard-core. Very. Not in a 'talk about it' kinda way.... but in a 'get the job done' kinda way. Thirty six fights for thirty five wins, an Australasian title, tattoos on his arms, stomach and neck; I'm glad he's on my side.
If I had to go to war, I'd take him with me.
While I have trainers who are more qualified, more knowledgeable (in some areas) and perhaps more 'academic'.... nobody is more popular, nobody is more in demand and nobody is a better Trainer. Everybody loves Christian (clients, staff, kids, parents) because he engages everybody. Nobody connects with people better than the cheeky kick-boxer. He makes everyone feel great and he has people in the palm of his hand in thirty seconds.
He is an amazing communicator, not because he is incredibly articulate but because he 'gets' people; he makes them laugh, makes them feel special and important, makes them comfortable and confident and he understands the significance of rapport and connection. I've seen him weave his magic with everyone from school kids to professional athletes and from the morbidly obese to the great-grandmother who's just had a hip operation.
On the other hand.....I have watched many people make relationships waaaaaaaaay harder than they need to be? At work, at home, in romances, with neighbours, with friends...
Drama-rama.
Something which could and should be easy, becomes a nightmare... and on-going saga. Days of our lives... but for real. Stress, anxiety and catastrophe seem to follow them around. Things which should be simple, straight forward, pain-free, fun and rewarding... become complex, difficult stressors in their life. And incredibly... they never think it's about them!
Note: If your life is a constant series of dramas, you have on-going communication and relationship problems.... and conflict, arguments and differences of opinions seem to hamper your existence... you may want to invest some energy studying and developing the art of connection.
Last weekend I got a lesson in communication and connection from a girl at the local store where I buy my newspaper... She engaged me and had me in the palm of her hand in thirty seconds.
I walked in to the store, grabbed my paper and milk and headed to the counter without really noticing who was behind it or being particularly aware of anything. I looked up and there she was, staring straight at me with a big, friendly smile.
"Morning Sweetie, how are you?" "Err, good thanks" was my dynamic, witty, response.
She spoke to me for thirty seconds and I was putty in her hands.
Being the super-sharp, discerning (pathetic) Alpha-Male that I am... I was almost in love as I walked out the door. I would have paid twenty bucks for my paper; I didn't care.
Such simple beasts us men.
All she did was compliment me (called me Sweetie), made eye contact, smiled at me, gave me some attention and took a (momentary) interest in me. The whole process took thirty seconds, made me feel great and was a fantastic example of quality customer service and connection.
So, here are my top ten connection tips:
1. Be more about listening than talking. Discover people's preferred communication style; what do they respond to? How are they wired?
2. Be genuinely interested in people.... even when there's nothing 'in it' for you.
3. Go out of your way to make others feel great rather than you look good. Don't bring the conversation back to you.... even though you are amazing!
4. Don't talk at people; talk to them.
5. Smile, maintain eye contact, have fun.... be a person that people want to be around.
6. Remember and use people's names (this is crucial).
7. Be generous (not stupid) with your time, your knowledge, your gifts, your skills and your energy.
8. Find the good in people. Stop finding a reason to dislike or to criticise.... we all know you're fabulous but stop doing it anyway.
9. Make the effort (and not just with the people you like!) and consciously work at developing your connection skills. And don't just do it when you're in a good mood, things are going great and you're a happy little camper... do it irrespective of how you feel.
10. Find a reason to genuinely and sincerely compliment people..... Dale Carnegie was talking about this in 1937; nothing's changed.
Set yourself a challenge in the next week to connect with someone who you may have struggled with in the past... make the effort.
We don’t know why, but people go crazy for these shirts. Perhaps it’s because they allow us to tell people what we really think without wasting our breath! Order your shirt here.
'You're Not the Boss of Me' T-Shirts
Are you sick
of the bossy people in your world? Well,
this T-shirt could solve all of your
problems and change your life. But then
again, probably not. Order your shirt
here.
