*Before we get under way..
Hi Guys. I will be in Sydney this Thursday speaking at the MFAA Convention and then up to the Central Coast on Friday to speak at a Conference for Westpac. I will be staying at the Novatel on Darling Harbour on Thursday night and as I have some free time, I thought that some of you might wanna hook up for a chat and a coffee. Possibly a feed. Maybe some arm wrestling. Anyway, I will be in the foyer of the Novatel at 7.30 sharp this Thursday night (15th) if any of you would like to hang out with me for an hour or two. There could be twenty of us – or just you and me. Or maybe just me! I look forward to meeting you if you can make it along. I will be the tall, athletic, incredibly good looking, humble one in the corner.
Also… a few years ago I read a book called Catch Me If You Can – you’ve probably seen the film with Leonardo DiCaprio. I was so interested in the true story and the man who wrote it (Frank Abagnale) that I read the book four or five times. It’s probably a boy thing but I found his experiences to be utterly fascinating. So anyway, guess who else is speaking at the MFAA gig I’m doing? Big Frank that’s who! How excited am I? He probably doesn’t wanna meet me but he’s going to anyway! On with today’s post..
I don’t like you.
Four words we hate to hear. For some reason, we all like to be liked. No revelation there. It’s how we’re wired. We hate it when people don’t like us – even people we don’t really know. Some of us will do almost anything to be liked. We love to please, even at the expense of our own happiness, values, beliefs and standards. We compromise ourselves a hundred ways and turn ourselves inside-out trying to make others like us, but in that approval-seeking process we often forget who we are and wind up being disliked by the one person whose opinion should matter the most; us.
Newsflash 1: Some people aren’t gonna like you.
Newsflash 2: That’s okay.
That’s right – life ain’t fair and even though you may very well be a fantastic human being, some people will find a reason to dislike you no matter what you do or how fabulous you are. Chances are it’s more about their issues than anything you have or haven’t done. There are people who don’t like me who have never actually met me or had a conversation with me. That’s fine with me. I won’t invest emotional energy into things I can’t change. I will endeavour to be the best Craig Harper I can be and if my best still generates critics and people who find reason to dislike me (which it will), that’s okay. The only person I can change is me, so I’ll focus on improving, educating and developing myself rather than trying to create a fan club or convince people to like me.
While it’s normal and very human to have the desire to be needed, liked, loved and important to others, it’s also crucial for our development to get clear about who we are and what we stand for, and to live a life consistent with those values – to like ourselves. Otherwise we simply become frustrated People Pleasers.
Newsflash 3: It’s okay to disagree with people. Even people you like and respect.
Newsflash 4: Some people’s overwhelming need to be liked is the very thing that makes them hard to like (there’s some irony for you).
Newsflash 5: For many people, their need to be liked is actually a significant barrier to their personal and professional growth.
When it comes to this issue, you might want to ask yourself these questions:
1. Do I speak the truth (while still exercising care, wisdom and understanding) even if it’s not popular to do so?
2. Do I live a life which is consistent with my core values?
3. Do I operate with integrity?
4. Do I believe that my motives are good?
5. Is it my goal to be a positive influence in the lives of others?
6. Am I happy to disagree with people I like?
7. Do I (really) like me?
If you answered yes to all of the above then you’re doing pretty well. If there were more crosses than ticks then you may want to make a few changes. Soon. Some short-term pain for some long-term gain.
If you really want to be liked, then stop trying to be liked and start being you.
*Don’t forget, if you’re in the vicinity of Darling Harbour this Thursday night come and have a weak, decaf, skim, soy latte with me. Or six beers and some pizza.
* Let us know your thoughts on this post by clicking on the comment thingy and sharing from your own experiences or thoughts. If you’d like to receive articles like this automatically, simply click on the ’subscribe to this feed’ thingy at the bottom of this post and become a subscriber.
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
1. Mostly
2. Yes
3. Yes
4. Yes
5. No – I dont get up everyday with this as my goal – I try to live my life a per my answers to questions 1-7 and I do so cos it helps me to sleep well at night. BUT I am always happy to learn that I have positively influenced someone in any way.
6. Yes
7. Working on the (really) part, every day!!!
Thanks for the “Self-Reflect” pop quiz… a good reminder that even though we all think the answer is yes – it can always be a better yes!!!
PS. Cant make it Thursday but please let the good folk of Sunny South East Queensland know when you are next in these parts….I think there might be a few weak, decaf, soy latte, pizza and beer loving people here that would love to catch up!!!
Hi Craig,
Wow feels like a long day Monday afternoon here in Africa, but reading Tuesdays blog!!! I must say it is brave of you to wait to be mobbed in a hotel lobby by all the Harper “who’s”. Don’t forget to take pics so we can all feel like we were there. Thought provoking as usual – specially point 7.I often wonder why we spend so much time trying to fit in when we were created to stand out?
Have an awesome week
Cheryl
Oh what an excellent blog thank you! Exactly my attitude in life thanks to my amazing Mom who brought me up that way! people sometimes think I’m arrogant, but actually it’s just confidence, and lack of worry about anyone’s opinion that doesn’t matter to me really!!
Anyway, enjoy your speech, and if you’re in South Africa, let us know, I will do the “caffe thing with the humble guy in the corner!”
LG
Thanks Craig, for an excellent blog. I generally come across as arrogant (to those who don’t know me) but mainly I just have confidence in myself, and am not worried about others’ opinions (about me, per se). However this comes from years of teching by my wonderful mom, who always said, “It’s not what others think of you that matters, it’s what you think of them!”. I use it in a positive way in my life.
Can’t join you Thursday but one day in Sunny South Africa, let me know, I’ll have a “caffe with the humble guy in the corner!”
Enjoy Thursday!
LG
I would totally be at Darling Harbor but it’s a bit of a hike for me… Hopefully you have one or two other fans who show!
Break a leg on those big talks, Mr H.
…and don’t learn too well from Frank A…. We do like the nice Craig Harper!
Hi Goal Power – I can’t believe you’re not making the trip for a skinny, decaf, soy, latte! LOL.
Cheers.. ( )
Hi Cheryl… I don’t think there will be any mobbing going on!!
Enjoy your week… ( )
Okay LG, I’ll let you know… ( )
Having people like me used to be my driving force. Funny, too, because I had no spine. I couldn’t stand disagreement at all and just wanted to be surrounded by people who like me and agree with me.
These days, I’m a manager so I have had to learn that it’s ok not to be liked by everyone. I still notice that I try to get people to like me, and that I am extremely uncomfortable if people don’t, but I realise that I’m not here to win a popularity contest……
Great blog Craig – when you’ve had a life caught up in “it’s not ok if people don’t like you” it’s so lovely to read “it’s ok” and actually believe it.
have fun in sydney.
miss jojo (who is late with her book review – sorry. will be soon.)
Hey miss jojo.
You’ve learned a good lesson.
If you don’t have people who dislike you then you’re not having a go!
( )
Hi Craig,
Kidding!
So great to have you in Sydney. I will do my very best to have hubby baby sit my 15mth old and drag my butttocks down to Darling Harbour (80km away)which 34 weeks pregnant to try and catch up with my conscience (you)for a full cream decaf latte. You better be feeling special now.
Great post by the way. Not sure I ever write that your posts are otherwise…. I said “absolutely” to points 1-6 and “Kinda” to point 7.
What did you answer for point 7? Or is that a silly question?
Hey Asma. Get your pregnant self there! In answer to your question – although I’m a flawed work in progress, yep, I like me.
( )
CH
Loved the article, Im with you on that one
Unable to be with you on Thursday night, and I am totally peevish over it
And, just let me be peevish for a little bit and dont comment, now Im laughing that didnt last long
Ummmm……is it ok to say that I LOVE me?? Cos my motto is, that if you dont love yourself, then how can you expect others to?? Which also works for “like”… I’m not vain as such, even tho a friend used to sing that song “You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you…” Hmmmm….. do I have an ego issue?? ha ha ha
Thanks for the blog Craig. I like you & I dont care if you dont like me…. NERR!! ;-p
Pet
xoxo
Craig:
You are right that there will be people who simply don’t like you. It can’t be helped.
In fact, there’s a saying that if everyone likes you, then you’re doing something wrong. LOL.
I know that for every presentation I’ve done, there were those in the audience who just didn’t get it.
When I first started speaking, I tried to win over those people at the expense of everyone else who was getting it. I no longer do that because I realized I was wasting my time and energy on the few versus the majority who were in sync with my message.
Thanks for enlightening us to remember that no matter what you do, you can’t please everyone, especially if you’re a public person (i.e. a person who speaks in public).
I love your attitude, your power and your enthusiasm. You have the “IT” factor. You go boy!
OK. I see how it is. Why am I the only post to not get a reply? After all, it is all about me…
I don’t like you.
( X ) Hug for you anyway…Seeing as I am so magnanimous
Hello KB – how negligent of me! Sorry – an innocent oversight..
Waddayamean you’re not coming to see me? Oh well. Heavy sigh.
I like you even if you don’t like me ( )…
Hi Stephen – thanks for saying hi and for sharing some of your story.
And for the kind words – enjoy your week
Craig,
This is me to a tee. I can still remember the 3rd grade teacher that told me in front of the entire class that she didn’t like me! I’m not holding onto this really….
I spend much of my time trying to overcome the “not being liked thing”, which comes from having a mother who wanted to keep the peace at all costs. this meant that healthy debate and expressing our feelings were not acceptable. We were told that “people won’t like you if you’re not nice”. As you rightly point out, some people won’t like you even if you are nice. I think the authentic option is much better.
What a generous soul you are! Either that or really short on friends…I know this couldn’t possibly be true. I would love to meet on Thursday night but fear I may not be there due to fear and feeling like an idiot. I’ll try and overcome this between now and then.
Regards
Janice
Craig, wow, your statement there is really encouraging.
“The only person I can change is me, so I’ll focus on improving, educating and developing myself rather than trying to create a fan club or convince people to like me.”
One more important thing, don’t always take people ignorance as a signal that they don’t like us. Everything has no meaning unless the meaning we give to it. I stumbled into this a lot and learning to be not so sensitive.
Don’t worry whether people like us or not, as long as we are improving.
Thanks, man! Thanks a lot!
Robert
Okay Janice.
Fear of what? Fear of big scary Craig? Puleeeez.
See you Thursday night – don’t let me (or you) down ( )
Great post Craig.
I live 7 minutes (fast) walk from Novotel at DH. I know you have thrown out the invitation….but…..
I would soooooo feel like a stalker!
I’ll try and get over myself between now and then and come and have a drink of water with you.
Gunna
Linda, Linda, Linda. Get your butt to the Novatel and buy me a coffee.
Big Baby.
( )
Hi Robert – you’re welcome.
Cheers.
I like the way you encourage people to self-question. Many people have never learned how to do that. Raising self-awareness can be one of the simplest, yet perhaps most life-transforming things anyone can do. You set yourself up for a domino effect of “Eureka” moments.
Thank you for this post, Craig. Sorry but I’ll be on a far and distant ‘other’ continent, but I know you’ll have a fabulous evening and impact everyone’s life in a positive way.
As I’ve gotten more mature (notice I didn’t say ancient) I’ve learned to like myself very much. Still lots of flaws but they’re all mine.
One thing I noticed that I still have a problem with, is listening to others rave about how sweet and wonderful a particular person is, when that same person is absolutely hateful to me. I know she hates me because her husband raves about how talented I am and made a fool of himself over me (totally unreciprocated, as my darling husband can attest to). I understand her resentment, but it still makes it hard to listen to everyone rave about her kindness when she is so (sneakily) awful to me. No one besides my husband knows about her nasty tricks and hateful words. I have compassion for her jealousy, but I didn’t do anything! She needs to thump her husband ‘upside-the-head’ instead of taking her anger out on me. SIGH! Well, I’m a big girl. I can take it! But I realize I still have my weak spots. Thanks for letting me ventilate.
Ahhhh….
It’s been so long and such a great post to come home to!
Work has slowed down, and 48 days till Iron girl…
will I make it?
Well of course I will…
but it may not be pretty!
Linda and Janice… you have to meet CH for all of us that can’t!
Besides which is sadder,
your stalking debut or a overly optomistic guy getting stood up in a hotel…
Craig, looks like you are a busy fella, kudos to you!
You’re loving it I’m sure…
well gotta jet that bike ain’t gonna ride itself
(ohh, how I wish it would, every now and then)!
(x)
Tami B
HI Liara. Long time no see. Thanks for saying hi. ( )
Hi Nettareno – thanks for sharing some of your story and for dropping by – yep, that guy needs a slap. And maybe the wife too
Enjoy your day…
Aaaaah Little Tam. Welcome back.
1. How did your ride go?
2. Were you affected by that scary-ass weather in your state?
3. Enjoy your day!
( )
Hi Craig. First off, I know this is a little late, but thanks so much for stopping by my blog. Second, great post. I agree with everything you wrote and I think it’s awesome to remind ourselves of this truth, especially those of us who work in a team environment. I decided to ask myself the 7 questions and here are my answers:
1. I speak the truth and do my best to exercise care, wisdom and understanding – though I have been accused of being a bit blunt at times.
2. Yes.
3. Yes.
4. Yes.
5. Yes.
6. Oh my goodness, YES! I think it keeps the conversation fun when a different perspective are thrown in.
7. Most of the time I do – yet sometimes I get on my nerves… especially when I act rash about something and have to go back and clean up my mess.
Thanks again.
Hi Natasha. You sound like you’re on track – good for you! Enjoy your day ( )
Hi Craig!
What an amazing blog post. I have been working on this people pleaser part of me. I’m much better than I used to be but there’s still room for a lot of improvement.
P.S.
“Newsflash 1: Some people aren’t gonna like you.
Newsflash 2: That’s okay.”
That’s the simplest and best way of putting things!
Have a great time in Sydney
Hi Maya. Thanks for saying hi ( )
Hi Craig,
I am going to come and pick your brain tonight – hope that’s okay!
Cheers,
Stav
Look forward to it Stavy…