As most of you know, at the moment I’m in the States to speak at a conference. A conference with twenty four other presenters who have flown in from all over the world to be part of the two day program; ‘Meeting of the Minds’. These guys and girls are without doubt, the best in the world at what they do; motivators, educators, researchers, authors, inventors and entrepreneurs.
Kid in a candy store.
People think I came over here to speak. I didn’t. I really came here to learn from, and hang out with, these amazing people. Sneaky huh? Learning from the gurus without paying; gotta love that. I’m such a cheapskate. Let’s hope they don’t discover that I have an agenda. I love spending time with cool people with great attitudes and great minds, who have done, and continue to do, amazing stuff with their life. I find it inspiring and encouraging. At the moment I’m like a kid in a candy store, only there are no calories, no insulin responses and it’s all healthy for me.
Feeding our mind the good stuff.
It’s so good for us to feed our mind and nourish our spirit by spending time with positive people in a positive environment. People who want to learn, teach, inspire others and give back. People who are making a difference, people who are happy to share what they have learned and most importantly, people who are stoked to see other people succeed. I love talking with people who have great energy, who consistently work at owning a good attitude and who always find the good. In a world which seemingly lives by the mantra of “looking after number one”, it’s kinda refreshing and motivating to meet people who live in a different place. A healthy place.
Simply being around some people can make you feel uplifted, motivated, hopeful, positive, confident and excited, just as being around other people might make you feel stressed, sad, fearful, anxious, unworthy and uncomfortable. Sometimes we need to go to the dump; the toxic dump.
Removing the toxins.
A long time ago I decided to work consciously at removing the sociological, emotional and psychological toxins from my life; toxic conversations, toxic attitudes, toxic beliefs, toxic relationships, toxic environments and of course, toxic people. We don’t need people, circumstances or situations poisoning our life or any part thereof, but that’s exactly what (some) people will do (knowingly or not) if we let them. So I choose, not.
The simple truth is that there are some nasty-ass people who seem to delight in other’s pain, misery and misfortune. They gossip, they lie, they cause trouble, they create division, they criticise and they seem to revel in melodrama and all things negative. They have a poisonous mindset and if you hang out with them long enough, you’ll become just like them. And you’ll get sick. Maybe not physically, but you will get sick.
Toxic us.
And then we have to deal with toxic us. We’ve all been poisoned in some way and to an extent, we’ve all been poisonous ourselves. We all have a little of that bright green poisonous goop flowing in our veins from time to time. We think we’re all that but the truth is we all have the ability and the potential to be toxic – in our thinking, our communication, our parenting, our relationships and in virtually evey part of our day to day life.
Before we start pointing fingers at the rest of the world for their toxic ways, we need to stand in front of the mirror for a little honest self-assessment to make sure that we’re not infecting anyone else and that we’re not killing ourselves with our own toxic thinking, habits and behaviours. Sometimes we need to step back from our life, get some perspective and identify those toxins that are:
a. Stopping us from growing and fulfilling our potential
b. Causing us to be a negative rather than a positive in the lives of others and
c. Making us sick (physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually unwell).
Once we identify those toxins we need to create and undertake our own detox program. Obviously this will mean different things for different people, but typically it might involve some or all of the following:
1. Spending less or no time with some people. Over the years I have consciously distanced myself from certain people who I have found to be particularly toxic – even if I liked them. People with toxic attitudes, toxic habits and toxic tongues. Hanging out with people who major in minors, dwell on negatives and find fault in everything and everyone is exhausting, depressing and debilitating. This step is not always easy or practical as some of those toxic people happen to be in our life. It might mean spending only the time you absolutely have to with those people, or it might mean creating some ‘rules of engagement’. I have a few friends who know that all of our conversations have boundaries. If I see that we’re heading down the path of the meaningless, pointless, negative diatribe, I will shut the conversation down.
2. Consciously changing our self talk. Easier said than done, but many of us need to make a concerted effort to change the way we think and talk about ourselves. When someone compliments you, simply accept their compliment and don’t talk yourself down. This is something which I have personally battled with over the years. Even to this day, part of me is uncomfortable with people paying me compliments. However, where once I would dismiss people’s kind words, I now appreciate them and receive them as I should.
3. Hanging out with different people. Hanging out with positive people is infectious. While I have a broad cross-section of friends and colleagues who I spend time with, I also make an effort to hang out with certain people who I personally find inspiring, stimulating and exceptional at what they do. It might sound a little strategic (rather than developing a relationship naturally and spontaneously) but that’s okay, not every relationship needs to develop the ‘old-fashioned’ way. Quite often these ’strategic’ relationships turn out to be mutually beneficial life-long bonds. I have quite a few friends who I only see three or four times a year for lunch or dinner and most of our encounters prove to be stimulating, thought-provoking, motivating, positive experiences.
4. Changing environments, situations, habits or even careers. Sometimes we find ourselves in toxic situations and it’s necessary for us to walk away. This might be something relatively minor like walking away from a potential argument, or it might be something much more significant like changing jobs or even careers. I have mentored many people who have worked in a toxic environment for far too long and when they finally made the move it was like they walked out of a dark cloud and into the sunlight. The vast majority of these people regretted not having made the move years earlier.
5. Avoiding toxic conversations. Toxic conversations are the easiest way to get poisoned. They are pointless, they are destructive, they are frustrating and they drag us down emotionally and psychologically. They are also incredibly common and they permeate virtually every part of the human experience. Some of us have been having the same toxic conversations, with the same people about the same issues for years. Maybe we should cut that out?
So next time you find yourself heading towards a toxic moment, experience, encounter or conversation, take a sharp left, head straight to the toxic dump and don’t look back.
* Let me know your thoughts on this post by simply clicking on the comment thingy – even you chronic lurkers. If you would like to receive articles like this automatically, simply click on the ’subscribe to this feed’ thingy at the bottom of this post and become a subscriber.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Craig, what do you do when the most toxic people in your life seem to be family members??? I find my own mum to be the hardest person to be around.
So much here for me to absorb and act on. Need to work on the negative self talk (well, I AM working on the negative self talk). Apparently I’m supposed to look in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am – well, that’s easier said than done. But I am working on not silently berating myself the way people in my childhood loudly berated me so I figure that’s a start. It was quite a shocking moment to realise that I was perpetuating that abuse myself with my negative self talk.
My DH and I are getting better at avoiding toxic conversations with his siblings. It’s exactly as you said. We’re constantly going over the same ground again and again and it isn’t changing the situation any.
I think I’m going to go and reread what you’ve written about 100 more times. (okay, maybe not quite 100).
P.S. Can I have the jar of jelly beans?????
Craig
Why oh why did u have to put that jar of jellybeans picture? Is this a test? I hardly ever eat jellybeans nor do i crave them but that picture.. all those pretty colours, now i want them. I can’t stop thinking about them.To think i was doing so well these last few weeks just living on oatmeal and steam fish and now.. now it’s 9pm and i’m thinking of putting on my shoes and running up the street to the local 7 eleven store to buy jelly beans.Damn marketing. Speaking of toxic environments not only is there a 7 eleven store a street away but next to it is a macca’s, dominos pizza, kebab store and a bakery across the street and a pharmacy up the street that sells lollies and chocolates along with the latest diabetic and weighloss meds.
I think i am, or have been in the past, a very toxic person. Cause i grew up a fatty and a bit of a loser i’ve always publicly made negative statements about myself and the way i look. Why? Cause i wanted to beat people to it, i wanted them to know that i knew what they were thinking about me already and i was going to make fun of myself before they got a chance to. Truth is nobody wants to hear your negative bullshit because everyone has their own problems and it just drains the shit out of them having to constantly say to you ‘don’t be like that ange your really not that fat or dumb etc there are worse people out there.” Nobody wants to be around someone like this. If i was these people i would have just punched me in the face cause i was just so annoying. How can others help you feel good about yourself if you refuse to feel good about yourself?
One toxic thing i’ve stopped doing is the ‘diet conversation’ women have when they get together. I always used to jump in there and even start these conversations myself cause you want to feel even worse about yourself then you already do and you want people to know that yes you are fat and your doing something about it. I didn’t realise how damaging these coversations are not only to yourself but others. I don’t think that women realise how toxic it is to ourselves to sit around and criticize and publicly hate ourselves and our bodies because we ate a freakin piece of cake. It’s just flour, eggs and sugar people it’s not something to kill yourself over. When you think abot it we are ridiculous. You know what made me finally stop the dieting talk? One day my boss, who is skinny but thinks she is never skinny enough and has her own body issues, circulated a diet to us female staff. Not only was it the worst diet i’ve ever read about but it was also dangerous.That’s when it hit me how wrong this all was. I thought it was a real irresponsible thing to do not only at work but to a group of women who already struggle with their bodies. I kinda just exploded i thought ‘that’s enough no more talking diets, no more slimming magazines no more comparing pills and shakes with others’. I can’t stand to watch people feel bad about their bodies anymore and one way to stop it is to not get sucked into talking about it. So now when us women get together and the talk eventually turns to dieting and self hatred like it always does, i refuse to participate and i let them know why. I tell them i’m sick of this hatred and sick of conforming to all the society and media shit out there and i will not do it anymore. Well now i don’t have so many people to talk to anymore, take away the dieting and the judging of other peoples bodies and the conversations are just empty. But that’s ok i prefer to hang with the guys anyway. Their bullshit is a lot more interesting.
Ange
Hey Craig! You bring it home LOL! AWESOMELY written post that I fully agree with! Go YOU with the fun and snow and being the BEST MOST INSPIRING public speaker of the lot!!!
Pip
Good post, Craig.
I admit that I do struggle to accept a compliment. I’ll often talk myself down, and often do so in a half joking manner. I know I should accept the compliment, yet my initial reaction is to throw out half a joke about myself. Sure, poking fun at yourself every now and again is good, but it certainly isn’t healthy when you do it every time you receive a compliment rather than replying with a simple “Thank you!”.
It was something that I didn’t notice I did until a friend of mine, Liz Strauss ( http://www.successful-blog.com/ ) wrote about how many of us find it hard to accept compliments. Suddenly, I realised I was one of those people. I’m now trying to make an effort to accept and relish compliments, but I haven’t quite mastered it yet.
As for surrounding yourself with the right people, I can certainly attest to that. There are several people close to me that are very negative. They lack desire and dreams. They settle for their moderate but comfortable wage even though they don’t enjoy their job. They rant and moan about special days of the year, such as mothers day (as it happens to be today). Rather than relishing the time to spend with their mum and give a gift, they moan about how they have to take five minutes out of their day to buy a card. And that, right there, is the single reason I’m working towards taking myself a point where I’m free so I can start to surround myself with new people, more positive people and a more positive atmosphere.
It’s surprising how much the people around you effect your attitude to life. Sometimes it’s scary. I believe a lot of people set out to change something in their life only to fall back because of the attitude of those around them.
I say we round up the negative people, ship them all to England, and then us positive lot move to Australia.
Hi Lightening.
Yeah, it’s tough when it comes to toxic family members. Here are a few suggestions which may or may not be possible or helpful for your situation.
1. Write a thoughtful, honest list of the ‘challenges’ that you have with that person, sit down in a quiet place and explain to them why you struggle with them. Make the conversation as positive and constructive as possible – not emotional! Step one is always to try and make the relationship better.
2. Tell them that you won’t disccus certain issues – that is, keep having the same pointless conversations.
3. Most of the time people only treat us the way we let them, so change you approach. Communicate differently. Don’t ‘bite’. Consciously be calmer and less reactive, even if you’re secretly biting your tongue for a while – it will get easier. It’s very rare that we’re 0% of the problem and the other person is 100%! If you change your approach and communication style, you’ll be surprised how the dynamics of the relationship will change. Gotta do different to create different
4. As I said in the post, only spend the with them that you absolutely have to.
5. Realise that they only have the impact on you that you allow. Give them less power in your life.
( )
Wow Ange… Good for you. Nice to see someone taking a stand, especially in a situation like that.
Sorry about the jelly beans.
Cheers…
Hi Jamie.
YOU’RE FANTASTIC… there, take that!!
If you do organise that ship for all the negative people… Make sure you don’t make me the Captain. It could get messy!
Cheers.
Hmmm….let me just say that getting the toxic poison out of your system can be one of the best ‘forever changes’ you can make in your life. It is a long process, and my journey continues. I have not been this well, this centered, this positive, this confident for a very long time. I can and do accept compliments gracefully instead of batting them away. I do need to practice saying ‘I am not talking about this’ to my toxic 17 yo….no need for that with the ex…he doesn’t talk to me…thats toxic too but needs me to be confrontational – in a non toxic way. That is proving to be a challenge. Craig your 5 tips of advice above are excellent – you should ad them to the post. How many might miss them because they are in the comments?
Jamie…toxic mum gets the cold hard truth these days…it shuts her up and sotps her in her tracks. She lives, as does our relationship. The ex – well – he lives too – in his own toxic world. The in-laws…chose isolation. Good for them. (laughing at myself here – I lack that description of how they are behaving…choosing isolation! It puts owndership of their behaviour right where it belongs and well out of my zone – one more bit of positive self talk discovered!)
Anyway, I have adressed a specific toxin for me – confrontation – in my blog. http://www.enuff.wordpress.com
Enjoy the journey Craig!
Hi Craig,
Another great post. I truly agree with you.
I am moving jobs in the next couple of weeks. In part because I want to work with positive inspiring people.
As I write this comment I hear my manager say to someone. “Anytime away from work is quality time.”
I assume he also means time at work is NOT quality. So basically he doesn’t want to spend time with his team.
Man bring on my new job.
Keep up the great work.
Hi Enuff. Thanks for dropping by and for sharing. ( )
Enjoy your new job Darren,
Cheers.
Thanks for your response Craig. Some helpful stuff there.
You’re welcome lightening…
Hi Craig
I have a toxic friend. Trouble is she’s one of my closest friends. Whenever we see each other which is only a couple of times a year (she lives overseas), she always makes a comment about my appearance: my hair, my eyebrows (true), my weight. I’m not Elle but I aint that ugly either, so I finally figured out that the comments were more about her insecurities than mine – she is overweight and looks much older than her years due to not looking after herself.
I now make this a bit of a game. Because I still don’t like the comments, I always make sure I get my regular “maintenance” prior to seeing her. That way, any negative comments (and they will come) make me amused more than angry. It does help with my self doubt and confirms that it’s more about her than me. Even more amusing is that even my hairdresser (who knows what’s going on) organises my appointments around when I will see this friend. Funny huh?
Hope the skiing is going well!
Anne
Hey Craig,
Thanks for this article. I’m in the process of detoxing my mind; so your tips here are pretty timely for me. I’m hoping that the energy within and all around will be a positive and uplifting one!
With much thanks and appreciation,
Evelyn